Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • nothing new, just venting... by: dvance 6 hours 59 min ago

    I am just so exhausted.  Literally nothing I am about to say is new, we have all been there and heard it all before.  The messes, the projects half done, the lack of any meaningful communication.  Today DH tells me one of his headlights is out on his car (he can fix it, no big deal) and it will cost $35 for the light he needs to fix it.  So I give him the debit card to go get it.  He comes home and hands me the receipt: $83.  "oh, I must have looked at the wrong thing online."  Okay then.  It's not the end of the world, just add it to the pile of crap that we all live with.  I also had a big go-around with my oldest son about his girlfriend (DH was not home when that occurred) and there is no way I would even tell him about it because he would not take my side or even be objective.  He would have some weird take on the whole thing or somehow I would be the bad guy.  So tired of being on my own over here.  

    I read all of the threads and posts here and I feel so sad for all of us.  We all went into marriage with decent intentions I think, wanting to have a meaningful sustained relationship with another person and for all kinds of reasons ALL related to ADHD, very few of us have that, I know I don't.  More than anything I feel like I was duped, sold a bill of goods, lied to from the start.  I wish I could get rid of that bitterness because it isn't hurting anyone but me--DH barely notices I'm alive, let alone my demeanor from day to day.  He does not care what I am feeling about anything.  I know I don't want to be old and bitter before my time, but I fear it's too late.  How is it possible to be done at age 48?  To have your best years wasted, behind you?  I spent so many hours in therapy trying to get my brain around HIM and for what?  He doesn't change, doesn't even think there is a problem.  I just cannot go back to an office and hash the same stuff out over and over and over week in week out but at the same time I am drowning and lonely.

  • It all makes sense now! by: Scarlett Felstead 7 hours 49 min ago

    I have been with my husband for 7 years, married 1 year. He is the most emotionally intelligent, kind, loving man ever. We didn't live together at first so we found it easy to eek out the honeymoon period but since properly living together for the past 5 years and having children I have felt like I am going slowly mad and falling in to a pit of chronic anger. More recently I have questioned wether I can continue to commit my life to him, which seems ridiculous considering the love we have for each other and the morals and foundations of our relationship being near on perfect. It's the day to day stuff that has been destroying me/us. He doesn't appear to listen to me and seems to zone out and he looks like he doesn't care when people are talking to him, he constantly flits from one task to another becoming obsessed with something (designing ios apps at the moment) but never fully completing them before moving on to the next obsession. He is really messy, but in an odd way, not noticing the things that appear obvious to me and walking past his pants on the floor. He loses track of time and does something random instead of the thing he needs to do to get ready and then we all get super stressed when we are late somewhere. When i ask him to do a task he seems to do it not quite as I wanted and randomly changes a part of it to something he wants to do. I have always seen it as selfish, self obsessed, lazy and spoilt, which sounds really mean and in lots of ways I really know he isn't these things but its all my brain could conclude. It's been really difficult to run a house and have children with him and I have really felt awful with the hateful emotions I have towards him sometimes. I feel like I have to carry the burden of the household and if something needs doing I don't quite trust him, but I have never been able to quite articulate why as it seems like normal relationship problems to other people. Well I started reading about ADD yesterday after a colleague (who acts very much like my husband) said she has it and, wow, I just cried straight away spent the evening with my husband last night researching and learning and now I'm here trying to save my marriage... where should we start? 

  • I finally understand so I'm surrendering by: Chardy 20 hours 16 min ago

    Hi Forumites,

    Last time I posted, I wrote about the trainwreck my marriage became. I was in a hard place with my emotions and needed help. The gist of it was that we have been together for 20 years with three school-aged children. I got diagnosed with ADHD at the beginning of last year (at 42) and immediately sought treatment. Treatment has been very successful and I was doing very well. I had a new lease on life and I spent much more quality time with my family. I really enjoyed spending time with them and I actually felt like I belonged. Until my wife told me she wanted a separation. My trusted partner of 20 years, my safe place, the most important adult in my life had just told me that I was not important. In true ADHD fashion, I reacted very badly as my emotions got the better of me.

    I worked with my Psych and my Coach to shift from work-related to relationship skill building. First I had to work on myself and I can happily say that I am no longer prone to impulsive reactions and have built up my self worth. Looking back I can see this has had a negative impact on my relationship as suddenly it was all about me. Every week I had an epiphany that helped me grow. I would try and show my wife but she refused to communicate or engage, let alone show support.

    A few weeks ago a major realization changed my perspective, it isn't about me, it's about my family. I have grown very close to my kids, especially over the past year. Since I've made my family the priority we have a level of closeness that I never thought possible. I cherish my family. I even thought that things were better with my wife. Until last week she told me she saw a lawyer, wants 100% custody of the children and for me to move out of the house. The initial shock was incredible but I'm pleased to say I remained calm. I cried myself to sleep that evening.

    That next morning I realized something else. I was so seriously focussed on making things better, I wasn't as much fun as I used to be. It wasn't hard to back in touch with that fun part of me though it's awkward with my wife as she been responding negatively and with suspicion. Last night we all had a movie marathon with dancing, laughing and we slept on a mattress on the living room floor. My wife was there but insisted she sit on the couch and didn't get involved. 

    When my wife went to bed, I went into the bedroom with her. We chatted and I let her know that I can understand why she wanted to split though I am confused as to why she doesn't want to try and repair our relationship. I asked her to talk to me about it, to tell me more because I really do want to understand. Her reply was that it hurts her as much as me but she still want's to split. She then said all she's wanted all along was for me to be the person that I have been lately, especially with the kids. Then she left it at that. This left me even more confused - I still couldn't understand why she didn't want to even try to make things work.

    I received one of the ADHD and Marriage emails today that had some interesting points and clicked through to this site. I haven't been on for months and started to read some of the posts. Most of them are from spouses with ADHD partners. I've read quite a few and they've all touched me with the struggle they have gone through with their SO. The stories that have most resonated have been about withdrawing because of the chronic pain that someone with ADHD can inflict and why they don't want to, or can't, let their partner in or give them another chance. That's why I'm posting this.

    To those who have gone through this, I want to say I'm sorry that you have had to.
    To those who have shared, I want to say thank you.

    I also hope to shed some light on the ADHD partners perspective, and the confusion that often surrounds us. Especially when we get a late diagnosis and are trying everything we can to break old habits to make new ones in a strange new land.

    Tonight I'm going to talk with my wife and let her know that I love her more today than I have ever loved anyone, that she is part of my family which is the center of my universe and that I finally understand. She has made a decision and even though it hurts, I will respect that. I'm surrendering, though not giving up

     

  • Heartbroken...Don't Know What to Do? by: kellyj 3 days 5 hours ago

    Hi Everyone,

    I'm back with a real issue that I just don'y know what to do about.  Even though I'm not in a relationship with anyone at the time nor am I looking for one...I still regard my family as a relationship and I've been carrying this around for too long now and need to let it go.

    Recently....I was in a real jam and it was totally ADHF related. I take full responsibility for missing an automatic withdrawal in my bank account and found myself out of town with no money to get me home. I was really desperate and in a real situation so as my very last resort...I called my sister for help!!

    Well...from memory...this is what she said.....

    "(We) don't have that kind of relationship.....( you) are no different than you ever were. People don't change and you are like one of ( those ) poeple!!

    I'm trying to be considerate but NO....I'm not going to help you."

    Those poeple? Who are ( those ) poeple I wanted to ask?

    This was the straw that broke the camels back and broke my heart for the very last time. My Nephew ( her son who I Live very much ) just got married but I called my brother in law and lied and made an excuse saying I was sick and didn't want anyone to catch my illness and ruin everyone' else's time.

    The fact of the matter is....it didn't matter if I was there or not. I'm one of ( those poeple ) and I cannot get that out of my head.

    That may have been the worst betrayal I have ever experienced in my life. It certainly told me what is most important.

    I would have given the shirt off my back to a total stranger which as it turned out...the kindness of a stranger is what got me put of my jam.

    It was the stark reality that I am truly all alone. No family, no relationship...I am completely and totally alone.

    Except for GOD. In him...I am never truly alone.

    Those poeple eh? I think my sister is a Narcissist too. Sad but true but conditional Love is the way my family works. As much as it breaks my heart to disengage...I feel I have to for my own well being.

    Thanks for listening. I needed someone to tell this too and the poeple here have been so kind ...it was the first place I came.

    FYI:  I'm off my meds, stopped smoking, and am working on celibacy as my way of moving forward. No interest in any female relationships...I will make it alone and am determined to grow and advance in every regard.

    I'm in the process of selling my home and most every possession I have. Cold Turkey...I making myself a free man.

    J

  • Impulsivity and "Me Mode" Help, please! Thank you :)! by: ADHDMomof2 4 days 21 hours ago

    I have had a long standing issue secondary to my ADHD which I have literally no clue how to solve.  Often (far more often than I am aware of, apparently, according to my husband) he tells me that when he brings up a concern to me, my "default mode" is to immediately bring up how that issue or his proposed solutions will affect ME.  :( Ugh.  He is right, but I do not know how to stop this. It happens before I can even process the entirety of whatever issue is at hand.  I'm not a linear thinker and do not always see the big picture as he does.  He sees the world in an organized way, sees the problems and multiple solutions at the same time in a way I probably never will.   He considers everything and tries to make the best, most logical choice that will have the least negative impact on those around him.  He puts our kids and me first. 

    Tonight, he brought up a situation with our kids that needed solving, and proposed a reasonable solution.  I did not comprehend the problem the same way that he did at the time, either.  With that in mind, my immediate response was to say I didn't want to do it, because I didn't know how to manage it, due to my executive functioning issues.  This is the damn truth.  I had a concern because I know myself, feared I would not be able to follow through, and I articulated my fear.  I did not feel his proposal was reasonable at that moment as I hadn't really thought it out, so I was sincerely responding to what I DID see as an issue.  I see the needle in the haystack without noticing the haystack at times.  In my mind, I was just having a give-and-take conversation with him.  He saw me as arguing, and the more I tried to explain my thinking, the worse it got.  

    I do take medication, am seeing a therapist who truly understands ADHD, and do regularly meditate.  However, there's no cure for ADHD, and one second I think I am having a conversation, and the next, I'm scratching my head wondering why he is angry again.  I do see his frustration.  He is trying to be proactive, anticipate, and do the right thing.  He told me tonight he doesn't even mind that doing this stuff, but it's the arguing that gets to him and inherent selfishness that he says I have, of putting me first.  He does not consider that once I do process things, I do often reconsider, because by that point, he's furious and spent. This is a big improvement, y'all, that I can shift gears and change my opinion once I give consideration to "new" information, but he doesn't care, and I get it.  He doesn't want to be the one who has to anticipate so many things, propose solutions, AND get grief for it.   I have no idea how to stop myself, as impulsivity by definition, is something that happens quickly and my perception of the conversation is often wildly different from his (honestly, this is super frustrating for both of us).  If I could change my processing to see the entire picture, the impulsivity would be much less of a factor, because I would not be triggered as easily, if that makes any sense.  

    Is there anything I can do to change how I react, or buy a little time before I respond?  Is there a way I can try to look at his perspective first, and to try to understand the big picture and what he means before I word vomit a response?   I was thinking that maybe asking clarifying questions might help slow me down, but need to be careful so he doesn't think that is another way of fighting, too.  Maybe I could ask myself some questions before responding?  Any ideas?

    I know that being a distracted navel gazer is a real issue for people with ADHD and their spouses.  Whether it's due to selfishness or an "interest-based nervous system," I could use some help with the solution.

    Thank you all so very much.  

  • No job again by: Dagmar 1 week 1 day ago

    After two years of joblessness, my husband finally found something, so I quit one of my two jobs and had the opportunity to turn the other into my own business.  Then he lost his job again six months ago.  I've been hesitant to fully commit to the business because I kind of feel like I should quit and get a full-time job since I can't rely on my husband.

    My old part-time job just asked for me to come back, which triggered our bi-weekly "come to Jesus" fight where I tell him he's not looking hard enough for a job, and he applies for some the next day, and then forgets again until the next fight.

    He thinks I shouldn't take the old job because it is low-paying and makes me stressed out and miserable. And then, as usual, he responds to my concerns about how much money we have by asking about when more money will come in for my business. As usual, I explain that I'm just starting out and that it can't be relied on as our only source of income, and that he needs a job.

    Well, he's picked up a few shifts at the bar down the street.  So sometimes he brings in $100 in a week.  Sometimes it's $500.  It's not enough.  We are honestly living on miracles right now - tax returns, random mortgage refunds. 

    I'm struggling to work on this business.  In addition to my own self-doubt, I'm starting to crack under the pressure of it being our only source of income for a 4-person household.  I'm constantly beating myself up for not working hard enough and I'm freezing under the pressure.  I'm spending hours a day staring at my computer screen, while he putzes around the house, sometimes just hovering over my shoulder looking at his phone.  I've been trying not to blame him for my issues, but the fact is, I need a reliable source of income to feel secure.  I'm probably subconsciously screwing this opportunity up on purpose so that I can be forced to get a more secure full-time job that will make me miserable.

    So in our fight today, I tell him that I need him to get a full-time job, so that I can feel more secure.  He says he's bringing in money and asks how much I'm going to bring in.  I say "The problem is, we can't count on this as income, I can't handle this as our only income right now. You need a job."  He sets his jaw and refuses to speak.  (He says he's "processing" and that he can't think of what to say right away when he does this.  But he never comes back to it and if I bring it up, he's annoyed that I haven't gotten over whatever it was yet.)

    I go back to try to work.  He comes down and says "you haven't eaten today, have you?" and makes me a sandwich.  I get the idea he thinks that I am just angry because I'm hungry. I give him more time to process.

    Later, I check in to see if I have gotten through to him.  I say I'm worried he thinks I'm just being crazy.  He says "I wouldn't say crazy," which, yadda, yadda, yadda, starts the fight up again.  I explain again that the job he has isn't steady enough and he needs a full-time job and that he's not looking hard enough.  He says "Other than getting a job, what else can I do to help you?"  I say "GET A JOB. THAT IS ALL I WANT FROM YOU."  More fighting.  We calm down and have to pick up the kids.  We agree not to fight.  I say "think of it this way, imagine if you are struggling to bring in the groceries and I'm sitting on the couch with my feet up.  How would you feel if you asked for help and I suggested you get one of those hooks that allow you to carry multiple bags?  I need you to get a job, I do not want advice on how to run my business."  He says "I get it," waits a beat, then says "You really need to get some business cards."

    ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

    I light-heartedly say "I'm going to give you the chance right now to admit you are being a big old jerk and then we can laugh this off." 

    He says "what?"

    I say "This whole fight has been about how I need you to get a full-time job and stop relying on my business as our only source of income, and how when I say I'm stressed out over money, I need you to get a job and not give me advice.  Then you gave me advice."

    He dug in!  He refused to agree with me on anything.  I am almost positive he thinks that he's counting on me to support the family with this business.  I've said from the beginning that It probably wouldn't even bring in $30,000 a year, IF I was successful. 

    I have to tell them tomorrow if I will take job #2.  Now I'm hesitant to take it because it would mean working a few nights a week and I can't kick him out on that schedule.  We have two small kids, and my business would be on my schedule and perfect for that, if only he had another job.  My business is a weird niche field, my dream job, and this is my only opportunity to do it. 

    I just don't know what to do.  The sensible thing would be for me to just get a full-time job.  I can't count on him.  It just sucks. 

     

  • one reason ADHD results in so much relationship difficulty by: PoisonIvy 1 week 1 day ago

    "Broadly speaking, working on important things typically requires having good skills for tolerating uncomfortable emotions." This is from an article about work that I just read.  It makes me think of my ex, who strenuously avoids uncomfortable emotions.  Some important things he didn't work on because of avoiding emotions included looking for jobs, talking about financial issues, and engaging in therapy for ADHD and other mental disorders. 

  • My history. My children's future. by: jennalemone 1 week 2 days ago

    As J.M. Barrie, author of Peter Pan, has said, "The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it."

    This is on my mind today....or something like it.  I don't recognize the person I have become. I didn't see my life turning out this way. What could I have done differently 40 years ago, 30 years ago, 20 years ago, 10 years ago, yesterday that would have made my path different?  

    It boils down to something inside of me. I don't have it figured out yet, but it has to do with my father, religion, my inability to stand up for myself, my learned behavior of obediences, my lack of permission to have my own voice.

    I am trying to sort out why I continued to live my life for so long so subservient that I did not live my life. I permitted myself to be come a non-person in the name of "family love and sacrifice".  Not a great example for my children.  

    Today I am taking total responsibility for my life.  This is, I am told, maturity.

    I accept that I have not been a soldier, a leader or a hero....I have been a servant, a follower and a peon (pee-on).

    Where to go from here?  I am getting old.  I just want to give a good look at what has happened to me and relate so others do not find themselves nearing 70 and realize that they have swallowed a bunch of rhetoric (ethics/beliefs/conventionalities/standards) that made them sad and regretful.

    I write this for younger people on their life paths to be faithful to themselves and their future selves and their children's selves.

    Be true to your self.  Find courage to speak from your heart even when the words are not popular.  

    I feel like a hypocrite writing these "wisdoms" and not being able to act on them myself.  But that is my regret. That I did not give myself the permissions to live and speak my own truths.

  • I was reminded of an old joke by: bowlofpetunias 1 week 2 days ago

    Discussing how our problems are not real because they are not their problems, I was reminded of the old joke about the inexperienced teenagers trying anal sex for the first time:

    The girl starts shouting, "Ow!  Stop!  It hurts!"

    The guy replies, "It doesn't hurt!  It feels great!"

  • July 12 and the fireworks have not stopped by: bowlofpetunias 1 week 2 days ago

    My fears of the combined stress of my wife and kids spending more time with each other over summer break and a visit by my wife's biological mother leading to explosions proved correct.

    I was very concerned that my wife was starting to rage at our teenage son while her mother was there--she has usually kept her anger in check in front of other people.  (She met her mother about 25 years ago and sees her only a couple of times a year.)  It was over our son sneaking electronics he was not supposed to use until he did some basic chores.  I had to repeated keep trying to talk her down while she expressed anger at me.  She kept complaining to me that she had a right to be angry and that I was telling her she did not.  I kept validating her emotions, but also explaining that she was responsible for how she acted upon that anger.  Other blow ups during the course of the visit included our kids not wanting to go places, my wife teasing our son about something while we were at a baseball game, lack of progress on chores, and some extreme issues with our daughter (9), including urinating and possibly defacating in improper places.  In the case of one fight the spilled over onto me, I was upset because my wife had suggested having sex that night, only to find one more youtube video after another.  When I finally got her to stop watching and start getting ready for bed, I expressed my doubts that we would actually have sex.  She assured me we would AFTER the kids got to bed.  Then she went downstairs and started a huge fight because she found our son drinking iced tea--he was supposed to have already brushed his teeth, food and drinks are part of his messy room, and she thought the sugar and caffeine would keep him up.  (He already has trouble falling asleep and getting out of bed the next morning.)  The spillover was the result of her anger that I was not "doing enough."  I eventually went downstairs and slept on the couch. 

    Yesterday, we repeatedly called for our son to come downstairs and take out the trash and recycling.  He kept saying "I know, I am coming," but did not come.  Finally, I was trying to take a shower (around 10) and she yelled to me that he had "walked out the door."  It turns out that he finally came down and started doing the recycling, but she would not stop complaining while he was trying to do it.  (We used to get into huge fights over why I had not cleaned the bathroom while I begged her to stopped fighting and let me clean the bathroom, so this can be a real problem.)  She admits that she then stood in his way as he tried to reenter the house.  He walked away and said he needed to find a friend's house to stay at.  We received a text from his friend's mom and I picked him up.  From his perspective, his mother threw him out of the house.  I reminded her of how scared I have felt when she has done things like physically blocking the doorway of the bathroom when we were having a fight.

    With regard to the sex, about a year ago she said that her sex drive was low and I suggested she seek medical help.  She agreed to see her midwife about it.  But she has not done so.  Why?  It wasn't time for her annual appointment yet!  I expressed how hurt I was by the fact that she did not think my needs and feelings were important enough to pick up the phone and schedule an appointment just to talk about the issue.  Oh, but we already have so many medical appointments!  (Yesterday, she said that she has finally made the appointment.)  Our marriage therapist said we should spend our session next week talking ONLY about the sexual problems.  Now my wife wants to also talk about what happened with our son last night.

    A contractor is coming to redo the living room and dining room floors in about a week and a half, and both rooms are still full of clutter.  I have done my best to clean up and pack books, but I am working and she is off for the summer.  A big problem is that she spends more time arguing with the kids about why they are not helping than she does on getting the work done.  When ever we have moved in the past, we have been up until 3 am trying to frantically pack everything, only to wind up leaving stuff we needed/wanted behind.  I anticipate more fireworks over this issue, as well as getting our son packed for summer camp.

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