Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • About to cross the crossroads by: Nini Rain 3 days 18 hours ago

    Hi,

    I am new to online communities and new to living with a partner with ADHD; obviously I am in a crisis moment. 

    My partner of over 13 years was diagnosed with adult ADHD last summer and began medication after we had a three month separation. He started with a counselor but gave up because he did not have the time to do the work.  We have two boys aged 4 and 12 and well after reading some of the posts here I guess I don't have it that bad.  My partner picks up the 4 year old and makes dinner every night, he does laundry, can grocery shop (although never looks at prices and buys a tone of junk not on the list), cleans and takes care of  the house and is able to work full time at a good job.  He is French and I am English and when we met we could not communicate and now most of our communication is in english which I know can be very hard for him.  He has been trying for the last  8 months to please me and I have shut him out which resulted in him leaving 2 months ago. After he left I found empty alcohol bottles hidden all over his room as we were sleeping in separate rooms the last month. 

    I have read Is it you me or Adult ADHD and I am in the first third of The ADHD effect on Marriage. I do not know if my marriage is worth saving or if it can be saved or even if my partner or I want to save it.

    He is putting the blame on me as I am very angry and yell at him all the time he says that he lives in a state of fear and I get it, I do all those things.  I also do all the planning, take care of all financial decisions (including all of the accounting for my partner's business), dentists, doctors, school items everything  that is not included in the tasks above. I also make most of the money, live in a half renovated home (that he wanted and was going to renovate but it is not done because I have not done the plans).

    I am in a city where I have one friend and no family. I have a great job that I love and get wonderful satisfaction from  but it also requires me to work 12 hour days and some weekends as I am in a high level managerial position in a large company. I feel guilty because I have put my career before my partner but honestly it was because I was in crisis mode at work for the last 4 months and had to do a lot of work to make deadlines etc. and my partner just kept asking for my attention and love and I just did not have the time or energy to do it.  I tried to explain but he just didn't get it so now he has left me and the children.

    I have made an appointment to get professional help.

    All my partner wants is for me to lower my expectations and to show my love and appreciation for him.  He deserves this. He deserves to feel love as do I.

    I do not know if I can give this after 13 years of managing the home and falling into almost every trend that I have so far read in the ADHD effect on marriage. I am his mother, I am no longer interested in sex and I am so tired, I nag, I yell I do anything I need to do to get the job done.  I am tired of working so hard with nothing to show for it. I went back to school when my oldest son was one and I worked really hard and got a undergrad then a masters certificate all while my partner was financially supporting the family.  Then I got the career I wanted, we had another baby, saved for a home, bought the home he wanted in the neighborhood he wanted. If we divorce we lose everything that we worked on together and start at the beginning as all of this happened in the last 7-8 years. I know I will be ok in the long run, I set up my life so that I could do it without a partner as I believe that this is an unfortunate reality but I worry about what will happen to my partner, the father of my children.

    I want a partner who will ask me how my day was and listen.  A partner who will not constantly interrupt me.  A partner who will do shows of love and appreciation for things that I actually want or am interested in rather than things that he wants to do that also benefit me.  Ie. Making the family a breakfast that I don't like (fatty foods) but then leaving the mess for me to clean up as he goes off to the next thing on his list.  I want a partner who will plan in advance so that I am not stuck having to do it all,  I want a partner who can have empathy and actually understand how much stress I deal with on and off the job.

    Interesting enough I can mange all of this as I have been doing the single mom bit for 2 months and I don't yell anymore and my house is cleaner and I am happier and I know it is because my partner is the straw that breaks the camels back.

    Has anyone is this group had success of being in a relationship and working out the issues so that you could have a healthy and functioning relationship?

    I am willing to work on it if it could lead to results but if not then I am giving up and moving on to a happier life. Regardless of working on my marriage I will be working on myself as I am not happy with the way that I am or the person I have become.

    I just want to be happy.

     

     

     

     

     

  • She’s gone for good this time by: BIGREDDOG 3 days 20 hours ago

    my wife told me last night that she want a divorce, she’s done. 

    My heart is broken and I’m bleeding out, the devastation and sense of loss I’m feeling is so painful I want to crawl into a hole and die.

    I love her with all my heart, she is my world and I’m completely crushed. I take the medication, I read the books, I try very hard to control my ADHD but over our seventeen year marriage all the little things have piled up into one giant pile until she got so worn down that she wants out at any cost. I understand, if I was in her shoes I would want to get away from me as well. But that doesn’t stop the agony I’m feeling from losing her.

    I do not deny any of the symptoms that affect our marriage. I know they are there and I’m willing to do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING to change my ways and save our marriage. Like I said, she is my world and I want to grow old with her and take care of her for the rest of our lives. 

    This is the third time she has said she wants a divorce and I don’t know if I can stop it this time. I know that I have to try my hardest and give it everything I have to earn her love and respect back. 

     

     

  • Taking responsibility by: daizzebelle 5 days 23 hours ago

    Was sayingto H last night that when I say "You hurt me deeply. I am hurting." It is not ok for him to argue with me about whether or not I have the right to feel hurt. It is also not ok to blame me for something he chose to do. It is also not ok to say it's not that big of a deal. I told him that as my husband if I feel hurt he needs to own his behavior. Found this info about the 4 denials of responsibility and it is on point. Posting in case it's helpful to someone else.

    http://billherring.com/article/four-denials-responsibility

  • Soooo frustrated by: daizzebelle 6 days 6 hours ago

    DH says now that he is using a calendar again he feels like a drunk who was on a binge but is now going straight. Makes me want to scream and pull all my hair out. 

    He says he can't fix everything overnight. I agree. But he had a system that worked and *he* decided to stop using it bc it was "boring". 

    I am beyond frustrated and I am so angry at him for not using the tools that he was offered 3 years ago. It is not my fault that he chose not to do the work. 

    Speaking of which he said yesterday that he could have held onto his job if he had asked his mentor for help. He says he didn't think he needed more help but now he sees that he did. AGGHHH

    This is too little too late for me. I have been very patient, very persistent, and very understanding. I am all out of patience, persistence, and understanding after 3 years of asking then pleading then begging him to use his calendar and to implement the skills we learned in Melissa's seminar. 

    On top of everything else he saw his psychiatrist yesterday but didn't tell him that he was feeling depressed!! I asked him what they discussed and he said that his psychiatrist said he was sorry to hear that he had been fired but that was something DH needed to talk about with his therapist. I said well I thought your therapist wanted you to see your psychiatrist for an eval for depression. He said yes my therapist did a screening for depression last week when I saw her and she thinks I am way more depressed now than I was the last time I saw her. I said then why didn't you tell your psychiatrist that??? Then I said you know what, forget it, it is not my job to micromanage what you discuss with your psychiatrist. It is up to you. Your life is up to you. I.am.done. 

     

  • So so tired... by: teary lucy 1 week 1 day ago

    I am just tired, sorry but needed to vent. 

    My husband said he would have ADHD since his son was diagnosed. He was just like his son when he was a kid. We have tried counseling/treatment, took Dr Thomas Brown's test but the result was, he didn't have it. He was surprised about it though. We didn't know this test takes a patient's word, not family member or friends who are close to him/her. The doctor had some serious health issues, closed his clinic. End of the treatment.

    The biggest issue I have is his abusive behavior. He is verbally abusive, has got physically abusive too. He says things are not true about me and this makes me so angry. Often times I can't hold but yell him back. Then he yells me back more and says "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!", goes to his room and close a door. When he got physical, I called 911 but I regretted it. Once police involved, people who I have never met were discussing about our issue. I had very hard time to contact my domestic violent advocate or police officer, not being able to know what was happening or what was going to happen clearly. I felt helpless/hopeless. After that, I stuff to myself even more. I feel I am more frustrated, irritated and angry. Then once things get smooth, which means I am the one to break the ice, his nice personality comes back but it doesn't last long.

    We had an argument recently again, we didn't talk for 6 days, I broke the ice again. We had nice Friday and Saturday but last night, he became irritated because I couldn't tell who that was on the TV screen. He asked me if I knew that guy but I didn't, plus I was doing something else with my laptop. He gets irritated when he doesn't get my full attention. He doesn't give me his attention often times though. I get ignored often.

    I probably just leave and get a divorce since I am complaining instead of being positive or trying to make some changes. I used to be like that but I am so so so tired being put down constantly. I wish I have energy to leave.  Or at least I could have someone to talk without being judged. I feel like I stuffed inside too much, I became so heavy and tired.

    Appreciate you are reading what I have in me now. Thank you so much.

  • 19 years of dealing with a man child by: greeneyes76 1 week 2 days ago

    I’ve followed this blog/community for a while...reading all of your posts,  trying to validate the things that I’ve been dealing with and I’ve found them all very helpful.  I’m starting to find my voice and this is my first attempt to tell someone what I’ve  been dealing with my husband for 19 years, married for 13 years on May 6th, and the last 10 years have been a train wreck.  When we first met we had all of the typical ADHAD hyper focus stuff. He made me feel like no other man had ever made me feel. I was his world. I was everything. And because no other man had made me feel that way I, being a nurturing person, had no issue with taking care of our household.  But as the years have waned on things have progressively gotten worse.  After several years of marriage we decided that it was time to have children.    At the time I was 36 so the potential for conceiving and possible miscarriage weighed heavily on me.  We were able to conceive but that ultimately lead to a devastating miscarriage.  I was broken!  He showed me no support.  And then he proceed to have an affair that I found out about a year later.  During his affair, I’m not going to lie I drank a lot, but he also gaslighted me. He insisted the I was the problem with our marriage.   All the while he was cheating on me.   After I found out about his affair and confronted him about it he insisted that it was only online and that he had no physical contact with her.  A fact I still don’t believe.  We were in counseling for two years and that is when our therapist suggested he has ADHD. He went to his primary care doc and was prescribed Adoral.  On the occasion that he remembers to take it things are better than when he doesn’t.  I probably should have left him years ago but I love the guy.  But, as I get older...I’m now 43, I’m starting to think that I deserve better.  He has systematically, over the years, separated me from the people who meant something to me.  The people who remember the strong woman I used to be. I am a broken woman. I want my marriage to work. But I also can’t keep doing this for the rest of my life.  

    So, what I guess I’m looking for is anyone who can relate.  Anyone who can maybe shed some light on what I am supposed to do.  

  • My husband just called and told me his boss just fired him by: daizzebelle 1 week 4 days ago

    I'm not surprised. Life sucks sometimes.

  • Tiny progress and huge setbacks...why did i wait sooooo long by: Feeling ADDefeated 1 week 5 days ago

     

    I'm 40, and I was only diagnosed two weeks ago after our couples therapist (literally in our 2nd session, it was wild), suggested I get tested.  It was the absolute first time anyone had even mentioned this as a possibility.  Of course looking back it makes sense (sound familiar?)

    I saw this as the "good diagnosis" so many of you all have talked about...finally it was the --potential-- answer to a lot of the issues we had been having around communication, dependability, etc.  As I've read more about couples in this situation (From Melissa's books as well as GIna Pera's) we are in the same exact spot and fell in the same exact traps as so many who start this journey.   When my nose is in those books, I'm filled with hope and optimism when i'm usually filled with dread and frustration and fear.  Even Melissa's own story very much mirrors our own.

    I've thrown myself into my ADD (inattentive), and given myself over to treatments including making therapy and medication (Wellbutrin, so it's not really kicked in yet) and trying (I think successfully) to start other good habits such as reminders and alarms.

    I literally had no idea until 30 days ago that I was NOT a smart, yet chronic underachiever who just had keep trying that little bit harder for elusive gains in organization and dependability.

    The massive issue, and difference between the couples in the books and us is that, even though the first few days after diagnosis were good for us as we joked and talked about it, my wife is now so angry that I waited so long to talk to a mental health professional that she isn't sure she can even start the process with me.  So it's not that I'm denying my ADHD or am hesitant to start treatments, it's that I waited about 2-3 years from the time she started urging me to see someone for my failing confidence (after our 2nd baby and things really started feeling overwhelming), to the time that I actually went.  FWIW I have talked to a therapist for the past YEAR, but even he missed this diagnosis!  

    The thing is, i don't know why i waited so long either.  It sounds so dumb in hindsight, but I really don't know.  I guess I just always thought I was so close to being 'good' that it seemed like too big or drastic of a step to take. 

    From everything in the books, it's a two person committed journey.  I know she may be in the grieving phase (and our therapist last night in our follow-up suggested she needs to grieve for the relationship she thought she was getting), but we left our session last night with the task to actually give each other space to work out our issues...for me to start to get a handle on my ADHD in daily life, and for her to work through being angry at me and grieving and then figure out if she wants to start this rebuilding process.

    So now I want her to be on this journey so badly and I just have to wait and endure this time where I know my wife is SO angry with me and she grieves and I'm not even sure that at the end of it I'll have a partner ready to go on this road to recovery.  Our therapist suggested specfically NOT talking about our issues for the next few weeks, but the only thing i want to do is show her the books, the underlined passages, the part specifically about grieving and tips and how it helps and the hope and optimism.  

    How will I get through these few weeks (while also working on my own steps forward)...and what if the reward for doing so is a spouse and best friend unwilling to be with me?

    why why why did i wait so long and at this point how can I show her it wasn't because i didn't care?!?!

  • Procastination and staying on task by: daizzebelle 2 weeks 17 hours ago

    Saw something in the New York Times that could help with these issues: www.Focusmate.com

    I haven't tried it but it sounds good. It's free and sessions are unlimited. You need a computer with a camera. You sign up, get matched with a virtual co-worker, and you schedule a 50 minute work session. Having a virtual co-worker counting on you at a certain time helps you get started and stay on task. Sounds cool.

     

  • My Wish... by: AdeleS6845 2 weeks 1 day ago

    Is that more people with ADHD/ADD would read and post on these forums on this site.

    I read some of the posts to my BF yesterday, and he thinks some of the behavior that  ADHD partners exhibit is ridiculous, and in his mind have nothing to do with ADHD.  Perhaps his ADHD is not severe, as I am sure there are varying levels of ADHD.  Once he learned strategies and coping mechanisms from his behavioral therapist, he found that his life was made easier through routines and schedules.  

    That said, it would be very helpful to have input from more than a few men and women with ADHD.  Being that this is my first relationship with a man with ADHD, I don't know which behaviors are ADHD related and which are not.

     

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