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  • by: Astiman - 1 day 45 min ago

    Please forgive my grammar and other writing shortcomings.  This is my first post and I'm typing from a place of stream consciousness.

    At 58.5 years old I married for the first time. My spouse has ADHD and OCD. She has three children two boys and a girl. The girl is the middle child. In addition she has a god-daughter who has a child. We've let a foreign exchange student move in with us and now an additional young adult is moving in, her niece. My wife's children are 22, 20, and 18. The god-daughter is 20. The niece is 20. The foreign exchange student is 21. Our home is filled with 2 dogs and a cat. I am 13 years older than my wife. I have depression and have experienced PTSD as a result of hearing my mother shoot herself. I'm trying to understand ADHD, my wife's values, the behavior of the kids and their lifestyles. But I must admit I'm frustrated. I don't understand what I'm seeing or the values of my family. I'm African American and my wife, her kids and her niece are white. The god-children are black and the foreign exchange student is black but from a country in the Caribbean. Admittedly some of my frustration may be due to cultural and age differences. My wife's mother is four years older than me. My mother-in-law's parents had a drinking problem. I'm sure that influenced how she raised my wife. She abused my wife and because she conceived my wife when she was 16 she blamed my wife for her being dismissed from Catholic all girls school because of the unplanned teen pregnancy. My wife is one of three kids. At 16 she left home and moved in with another family. In the new household she was one of 5 to 10 kids. The person that took her in has claimed her mother didn't want her and because of that experience that made her sympathetic and concerned for my wife when she was a teen. None of my stepchildren help with cleaning up and even my wife has a hard time cleaning up. For example, the stepchildren pull dishes out of the cabinets, eat food, and simply leave the dishes for someone to clean up. They don't make up their beds, pick their clothes off floor, constantly invite friends over to eat and leave a mess behind, can't seem to help with yard work until the yard has gotten out of control, always invite their friend who are in distress over to live with us, will bring home a new pet simply because its cute or they want one, and the oldest is dependent on natural and synthetic marijuana and alcohol. Regarding the oldest behavior, he's been in and out of rehab and fell off the band wagon because he won't give up his friends who are likewise addicted to marijuana and alcohol. When my wife kicked him out he chose marijuana over buying food. He's smart and should be in college but he's not motivated for college. My stepson's father has ADHD, an addictive personality and abused he abused my wife when they were dating. The other two children were fathered by a man with untreated bipolar disorder. The youngest child, a boy, has ADHD. The daughter made a profound announcement during a dinner a few years back. She talked about how they ran off one of their babysitters and at the end of her monologue she said, "The thing the babysitter didn't understand is that we (meaning she and her siblings) do what we want when we want to do it." That comment sums up how my family lives. My wife has been in one abusive relationship after another. I tend to attract fragile women. So we make for a dynamic duo with lots of codependency in our behavior but she doesn't see our behavior as codependent.  We are in debt.  My retirement pay isn't enough to help cover our living expenses.  We have more money going out in charity, helping other needy people that don't really appreciate the help and take us for granted, and credit card bills.  She doesn't want me to take a job because it might mean I have to move to another city.  Where we live is in the town where my mother died.  My late parents' home and the town itself is a constant reminder of my mother's suicide but wife isn't going to move until our kids and now the additional kids living with us finish college.  I fear and forecast that we will be broke and risk loosing our home or my parents' home because of the mounting outpouring of money to bills and other people.  A part of me regrets getting married, especially at such a late age.  I'm an introvert and while some in our household are introverted my wife and most of the inhabitants are extroverted. My extroverted wife knows I need my space but it appears that until the kids move out of the house, which won't happen until they decide to leave, living with a crowd and no privacy or quite space is the trajectory of my life for the next 5 to 10 years, possibly for the remainder of my life.

    If you are introverted and the non-ADHD spouse what are your coping skills for your marriage or dating relationship.

  • by: inthedark - 1 day 2 hours ago

    I am attracted to his intelligence, quick mind and intuition. BUT he is not circumspect which I am.  He just blurts out whatever he's thinking and because he is always trying to help everyone else I am starting to feel like I am an afterthought, and he says things like "if someone wants me out of their life it doesn't bother me".  He tries to hurt me but I know its just because he doesn't think I will keep putting up with his behaviour, or is it?  Can see how this would all become too much.

  • by: Mapper - 1 day 5 hours ago

    My stepdaughter is turning 19 in just a few weeks. She lives with her mother about 4 hours away from us. She was in a high school/college program to be on track to graduate high school and also have an AA through a community college which should have happened actually last year, but she kept telling us the counselors didn't know what they were doing and she wasn't taking the right classes, which I highly doubt. We were then told she'd be graduating this summer, which didn't happen because she was still missing a couple of high school graduation requirements. She told us she was going to take a summer class to catch up, but then didn't and told us she'd wait until the fall quarter. Well, turns out she isn't going back to school, at least not this quarter. So not only doesn't she have her AA, she doesn't have her high school diploma! She also got a job back in July, but was only there for a month before quitting, telling us that everyone had an agenda against her. It's pretty much the same excuse she told us when she had another job the previous year and then up and quit after a month. So now she's not going to school and not working. She says she has anxiety and thinks she will fail at school. Apparently the "anxiety" is keeping her from working too, but she has no problem buying a bunch of expensive makeup and dying her hair from blond to red to brown whenever she feels like it and going on road trips with friends and being on Facebook all day long.Don't ask me where the money is coming for all that. I'm sure her mother is giving her an allowance of some kind.

     

    My husband thinks he can "fix" her or "help" her if he got her away from her mother and she came to live with us. He doesn't ask about her classes, if she's seeing anyone, if she has a job. Conversations on Facebook are pretty much kept to "We should go see this movie" or you should check out this video game". She hasn't ever even visited for more than 3 weeks since I've known her but he thinks at 19 she should move in?? I mean he hasn’t seen her since late May. Keeps telling her he’ll come down and visit but then never goes. Has only talked to her on the phone once since that and that’s when she called him on Father’s Day. There’s a bit of back and forth on Facebook, but that’s it. There’s no fatherly effort on his part until things go badly on her end when she says she’s not working or going to school and then he thinks he has to intervene and get her away from her mother and say how wonderful it would be if she moved up here and worked and she could “find herself” and paints this great picture, but in the end, it will be the same old thing. He’ll sit and play video games all night while I go nuts sitting on the couch with her while she plays on her phone for hours on end. Just like every visit. He will have a 5 minute talk with her about how she needs to get her life together and she will promise she will, but will do nothing about it and he won’t push her. He will be just like her mother and want her to be his friend and not hae her angry at him. The only thing that will change is now we have another person in the house to provide for. He is so hell bent on getting her up here even though I have told him numerous times I don't want her living with us. She was never with us for more than a few weeks before (and that was at age 15/16) and now he wants a nearly 19 year old to live with us because it will let her "find herself". Changing her geography isn't going to help her. She doesn't have any friends here but he just feels he has to intervene. She can get a job up here, even work with him, and then go to school up here. She can do all that down there as well, but she chooses not to using anxiety as a reason as to why she can't do anything.

     

    Do you think he should try and help her by moving her up here? I mean he's a mess himself! No money (so lets spend even more money we don't have on her), skips out on work sometimes just because (but he says he can get her a job with him), but he thinks he can improve her and motivate her.

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 1 day 8 hours ago

    Hi All,

     

    My husband and I will be separating soon, and I am working hard to detatch.  I know I have posted tons here, but I am really REALLY struggling with this one.

     

    Its very hard to detatch for me.  Its hard not to care about whats going on in his life.  I think it makes it very hard to continue to move forward when we keep falling back into our "normal" routines.  We watch TV together, eat together, he tells me he loves me when he leaves and he calls me at lunch while at work.  Initially when I finally made the decision I could not take his threats anymore (threats about leaving, his constant one foot in, one foot out BS) I found it easy to just stop.  I stopped talking to him, stopped interacting etc.  ANd at first, he seemed to not even care that I did - if he even noticed.  But then he started making changes, doing the work around the house he promised, even started bringing me water when I was working out etc.  Thats when we started interacting more, telling jokes, talking about our day etc.  He started work a couple of weeks ago - and he calls me during his lunch breaks etc.

     

    I get so confused thinking that things are starting to turn around, but then I remember that I am fooling myself.  So I am looking for advice on how to detatch.  I think for him - he probably wont even notice or care, but for me, I need to remove myself from this trap I have laid... AGAIN.  I am thinking maybe I need to talk to him and let him know that doing things that are "spouse" like is not good since he is planning on leaving.  That maybe we can be polite, but that telling eachother that we love eachother all the time isnt a good thing to do.  That maybe we do need to figure out how to separate our lives more?  And then on the OTHER hand, that part of me that is an idiot who really wants to believe that we can get through this is like - just keep letting things go the way they are and everything will get better. 

     

    I am tired of feeling the way that I do.  So many little things still bother me and i feel like if I could detatch that they would not bother me so much.  Any advice?  Anything you have found that works?  That doesnt work?

     

     

  • by: christianm - 3 days 2 hours ago

    I am married to a pastor with ADHD. We have been married for 5 years. I went through the courting stage where he was hyper focused on me and his focus has been on anything but me since marriage. He has 4 grown children form a previous marriage that I love. These children however have been allowed to take advantage of me on several occasions, financially, emotionally, physically. it has taken various discussions to have any changes made. I am an outgoing person that loves the Lord and because of my commitment I honor my marriage although I am extremely unhappy. It is unusually difficult because he counsels others when needed but seems to have difficulty with me. i would just like to talk occasionally and be heard. This morning he told me his sermon and I listened while he talked for 20 minutes when I responded with some thought on my own he didnt acknowledge my comments and changed the subject back to him as though I didnt exist. It is a lonely existence. I am so thankful I found this forum because I cannot share anywhere else and fell extremely alone. This site has helped with these issues.

  • by: modriscoll - 3 days 4 hours ago

    Hi, I'm new to both the wonderful website and this blog. Within 5 minutes of exploring the internet, I came to ADHD and Marriage...and I'm so glad I did. Both my husband and my stepson have ADHD. My stepson lives both at our house and his mom's and at 18 is displaying less of the ADHD symptoms; however, when he lived with us full time, the fights and drama between him and his dad (my husband) were out of control, so although I do miss my stepson not being with us all the time, I don't miss the fighting. However, the reason I'm on this blog, is that I'm finding it so difficult living with my husband. He is a surfer, which in many ways is his therapy and I understand that, without surfing, I would have left a long time ago. However, that is all his life..he gets up at 4.30 and surfs, no work on the house, no help, just an obsession with surfing. Our son's room and garage are places full to the brim with rubbish of my husband's. I can't control these areas, so shut the doors and ignore them. My husband is a hoarder and says so himself. But even though the mess and hoarding is something I can work with, although frustrating, I'm finding his moods and outbursts distressing. We have been married for 12 years and together for 16. It has never been smooth between us and to be honest I initiate most things, dates, trips, outings and sex. My husband is a charming man, can be funny and charismatic. However when he is feeling overwhelmed, which frequently happens (daily) he begins shouting, swearing and even blaming other people, for something which he has broken himself. I love my husband, but after years of this behavior, I'm feeling despondent and thinking I'm a fool to continue. I'm trying to not take this personally, but it's becoming increasingly difficult. We have a 10 year old daughter and the strain is also affecting her. I've tried a variety of methods, mainly calm, but after a while it is frustrating. He appears in a constant state of anxiety or panic. He has never taken medication and never sought help, but I'm at my wits end. When I talk with him calmly about his outbursts he starts getting agitated saying he has to rush, have a shower, eat, surf...never staying still for minutes at a time until he has exhausted himself to the point where he collapses and goes to bed. I'm torn between being sympathetic and trying to understand ADHD, and feeling hurt (at his inappropriateness in public, control over many situations and backtracking after lying) and resentful for putting so much effort into the relationship. I wish my husband well, but don't see how to continue. My energies should be on my daughter (and stepson). Thank you to this website and all those who contribute. I didn't feel alone this morning and reading your blogs has helped me understand some more about this condition. 

  • by: eolivo - 3 days 19 hours ago

    I'm new here. Pretty much diagnosed my husband of 5 yrs myself.  Hubby saw a therapist this week whom he said he liked and it sounds like the guy told him he likely has ADD and they will meet next week to continue. I'm frustrated bc I was feeling so hopeful, reading the adhd effect on marriage and nodding or crying with every page, saying yes, we're on our way to treating and managing- this sucky life will end ... And he tells me he got the number to another therapist (recommended by his quack step father who is anti all meds - he ignores the fact that everything is a chemical compound on some level... Even caffeine and even the 100s of supplements he takes every day- meds are evil and part of some medical conspiracy to keep us sick... Mind you, I'm and ER doc).  I ask him what this means, is he going to see this new person now. He says well he's interested in meeting him and seeing all him options and getting more info. I see it as a way to once again scatter- not see the problem as urgent as I do, skip around and not commit. I want to pull my hair out.  Sorry I'm all over the place in this post. This guy has me losing my mind. If it wasn't unethical I would slip meds into his drinks. I need to jump start this guy. He's withering away and making me volley between hating him and loving him w great empathy.  Arg

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 5 days 15 sec ago

    Today was a weird day.  I woke up, and a sadness just hit me like a ton of bricks.  Everything was slow to start, even my normal happiness about my job didnt get my motivation going.  I had so much to do today, and I just could not focus or think straight.  All that I worked on was running late - even breakfast.  Then my cousin showed up around 10 and it was a total surprise to see her!  I guess she thought I was murdered since I didnt return a text from last night or this morning (I was on calls all morning so I didnt even have a chance LOL).  So she comes over, and we got to talking.  And she starts telling me how her husband loves me to death, and was so excited about seeing my "big change"... She told me that he was telling all his friends at his birthday party how his cousin (me) was shedding my old skin, and turning into a butterfly.  That I had my shit together like no one else, and once I could push through all this mess that I was going to metamorphisis into an amazing butterfly and fly anywhere I wanted.  Man...  that just hit me in the heart so hard.  I didnt think that he even gave me a second thought when I wasnt in his presence... it taught me a pretty hard core lesson that I needed to learn.  Just because my husband doesnt SEE me, doesnt mean that others are BLIND to me.  WHAT and amazing feeling.... and then it made me cry because it hit me that I wanted my husband to SEE me in the same way. 

     

    I have been working very hard to become a better me.  Exercising when I dont want to, eating foods I would rather not because its better for me.  Trying to regain my own self control, and not let my husbands struggles define me.  I have taken back the control he exerted on me with his threats of leaving.  I am no longer letting him tear me down like that anymore.  I am not good enough for him.  Ok - no problem.  He can go find better  - what ever that might be.  Because I deserve more, and I am not ever going to live like I did for the past 7 years again. NO MORE.

     

    While its liberating, its also depressing... I have to mourn all the things I wanted to do with him.  But I realized... those very same things can be AMAZING even with out him.  I cannot wait to go to a camping event, and have the whole tent to myself!  I can set up my own little camp bathroom!!!! (this is such a luxury you have NO idea.. LOL - I am actually GIDDY thinking about it!).  I will attend these glorious medieval events, and spend time with old friends and make new ones.  I will have a blast going to parties.  I even have a new event on FB for January for having a "Hobbit Party" with some friends.  October is booking up quick!  The great thing is - people understand where I am at (with my dog) and know that right now I wont leave/travel etc... but including me in plans for the future?  Well - that is encouraging!  That is giving me a new hope!  (and I dont even have Obi Wan Kenobi to help me here LOL).

     

    For a treat - these are the events I am talking about - short but AWESOME!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efYwxs1VtCs

     

    On top of all that - I was SO not motivated to do my work out today.  Even went as far as to see if splitting up the cardio was a good idea (turns out that can be very effective - but thats not why I was looking).  But I sucked it up and got on there.  And I went even HARDER than I have in a long time.  I did some interval training, at different intensity levels - doing 5 minutes at level 6 which is a HUGE deal for me (on my elliptical).  I went from being unmotivated, to kicking ASS today.

     

    AND THEN... I watched the most amazing documentary on World of Warcraft ... Its called /afk Away From Keyboard.  I swear, EVERYONE should watch it who has a gamer in their life.  It really was eye opening and insightful.  I didnt think I would like it - but really, its given me a whole different perspective about things and I am so glad of it!  
     

    If you struggle with video games, I totally recommend this video - it seriously was helpful to me:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mae1Dhz_Ufg

     

    My motto for months now has been "He is leaving, and I am OK"... and for a while there, it was REALLY hard to be OK.  I think maybe I needed a reminder of how much more my life can be (with or with out him).  All I have to do is CHOOSE IT.

  • by: bdrew6 - 6 days 1 hour ago

    Greetings;

    Ive posted on this board a few times and I have read a lot of the posts therein and they have really helped me to get a better understanding of the issues ADHD causes in relationships...

    I have a quick question, I think it deals more with me rather then my ADHD spouse.

    I am a very introverted person, and a very analytical person; I also work in a high stress atmosphere, I plan out my days to the hour and I really dont like any unexpected surprises. (my spouse is the complete opposite of me.)

    My issue is this. She always is talking. From the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to sleep. I dont have any issue with people talking to me, but the majority of the things she talks about is totally random topics that dont really matter. I have no problem talking about random stuff, but there are limits. Example being, a five minute conversation on the house next to ours being sold, fine but when that turns in to a hour long talk about the current real estate market, followed by looking at houses for an hour on the computer, and showing me each one is a little bit much. Were not even looking to buy a house!

    I want to be interested in the things she is interested in, its just, total overkill and it makes me shutdown and not want to talk at all; it also drains me mentally. Ive noticed it does affect our intimacy as well as by the end of the night I just want to go to sleep and hear quite.

    I dont know how to fix that.

  • by: JJamieson - 6 days 6 hours ago

    The other day when my wife and I went to therapy together...my wife asked him straight up if he thought she had ADHD? What my therapist said was interesting. I've been seeing him for nearly 17 years now and he rarely diagnosis. It took 5 years of seeing him before ADHD even become a topic of discussion so it was interesting from my perspective...to hear him answer this for my wife now? As he said (paraphrasing here as close as possible ) "The problem with diagnosing something like this...has to do with the environment in which you put that into context in. The same person...put into a different situation and a different environment is going to behave and act differently. To start with using ADHD here for example...is that all of these behaviors are common ones that everyone shares...and for the most part, men with ADHD behave like all men and are no different. Most of these are the same problems that you run into with people without ADHD but it just acts as way of amplifying or bringing out certain behaviors more than others but at the same time.....are stereotypical "male" behaviors none the less. And the same applies to women with ADHD. Women with ADHD do not act ....differently than all women so ADHD is not the reason for the differences here. It's just a contributing factor to the same problems but maybe only amplified a little."

    This now makes perfect sense to me and why I was not really seeing the ADHD in my wife since she does not act or do what I do at all? In fact....messiness around the house and picking up after herself is not even on the radar with her. In fact...it's the extreme opposite of this and when I say extreme...it's what I believe that my T was saying. Exactly. In any relationship I've ever been in with a woman and living together....my wife is stereo typically "female" in the things she wants and needs and how she acts or behaves. The things that are most important to her...are no different. And the things that are important to me and not her fall into the same range or categories across the board. They same conflict areas I've ever experienced before which for me.....involves the same old song and dance and the same story behind it. Chore wars, division of labor and how we do things differently...and who's priorities are "screwed up"....is dependent on who's the one saying these things. Neither is feeling disrespected or being angry about these things anything new or specific to ADHD.

    The biggest problem I see and the one that gets to becoming dysfunctional in a relationship has to do with the pattern of failure and why this happens in terms of ADHD. And as far as lowest common denominators goes....the main culprit is Trust. Being able to trust...and having faith in someone...is at the bottom of getting right down to this "pattern of failure" that I am now beginning to see pretty clearly. Not just with my wife but now....everywhere I look on this forum? And the reasons for this are stereotypical to each gender and how these two play off of each other especially if the "MAN" has it.;.;...even if the woman does too? Even if each person has their own particular brand of "self fulfilling patterns of failure"....the two together combined is the one my T.....as he was saying......"is what I'm most interested in and finding ways to correct pattern for both people together...not just for one of them." I have to whole hardheartedly agree now as I sit and think about this more. Part of my wife inability to see herself and what she does sometimes is not different than most women or even how she thinks about things and what she really wants? What she can't see is how she is so narrowly focused on these same things and this is where it gets into trouble.

    What this is....is a "pattern of thinking gone bad" and then not seeing out of it or seeing it any differently. What needs to change is the "thinking itself". That's the problem right there if nothing happens to change it and it continues on uninterrupted. As my T said it to us the other day...as he said it..." I'm not really all that interested in the details within the stories I hear. They're the same stories and I've heard them a thousand times and everyone couple who walks into my office has approximately the same stories about many different topics and subjects you can name. The one thing that is consistent no matter what context you put it into ,...is the "pattern of failure" within the "thinking" itself and both people together (male and female) have their own part to play in this As I just read on comment that was recently made by a woman who does not have ADHD....I saw it clearly and went WOW....there it is again. I can see it as an observer....much easier than I can see it in myself or in our relationship until only recently which is why I am making this post. I don't want to single anyone out here so I'll leave the person who said it out of the picture. If you recognize the comment or know who it was coming from.....as I'm saying this...it makes no difference who said....which context....or who is "right and wrong" here because none of this applies or is even relevant. There is no...."good side" to be on within this pattern of failure itself. The reason for this is because it's a recipe for disaster in terms of a failure....not on either side or who here....but in the big picture and for the relationship itself. It's what you put into it that matters and that's all you are responsible for. The rest will take care of itself unless you do something to change the pattern and do something different. That's all you need to know and that's all you can do but not seeing the pattern as a problem is primary reason it exists and no one is able to see why their own behavior...is 1/2 the reason and 1/2 the problem in itself.

    The Pattern of Failure: Fear, Trust, Permission, Allowing, and Unilateral Decision Making ie: " I am the Decider"

    "My husband and I bicker a lot about his driving. He doesn't have a record of tickets or accidents, so that gives him a false sense of being "in control". I "broke off" our engagement temporarily because out of anger, he slammed on the breaks in the middle of an intersection after I yelled at him for speeding up to keep someone from cutting him off, almost colliding with the car and forcing us off the road. When I threw the ring into his cup holder, I think he finally got the point. He acknowledges now that ADHD has an effect on driving, makes him more impulsive and aggressive, and has done some reading/research on it." Facts of evidence: - He doesn't have a record or tickets or accidents - he slammed on the breaks in the middle of an intersection after I yelled at him - for speeding up to keep someone from cutting him off, almost colliding with the car and forcing us off the road. (almost...as in horse shoes and hand-grenades..doesn't count as an accident) - I threw the ring into his cup holder, - I "broke off" our engagement temporarily

    How you get from A to Z here has everything to do with this. Continuing on here....

    Assumptions, Justifications and Conclusions:

    - so that gives him a false sense of being "in control".

    - almost colliding with the car and forcing us off the road. (almost...as in horse shoes and hand-grenades doesn't count as an accident)

    - because out of anger, he slammed on the breaks in the middle of an intersection after - I think he finally got the point. - ADHD has an effect on driving "Has"....a fatal flaw in thinking here. Not just semantics but more Freudian in Nature

    - makes him more impulsive and aggressive "Makes" another fatal flaw in thinking here "ditto"

    - and has done some reading/research on it."

    Cause and Effect...in chronological order as it has to be in the physical world. Nothing physical...can happen out of time in order of chronology

    " I yelled at him, for speeding up to keep someone from cutting him off.... and out of anger, he slammed on the breaks in the middle of an intersection. I threw the ring into his cup holder, and I "broke off" our engagement temporarily ...... I think he finally got the point."

    Not withstanding any other validity test you can put onto this situation and forgetting about any speculations, assumption, conclusions or anything from the past being brought in here.....AT FACE value. Here's my take on this and what really happening in light of everything that's been said and applying it to the "thinking and pattern of failure" and coming from being in the exact same position in my past and why I would have done what this husband did and the possible reason why?

    Case in Point

    I think he finally got the point?

    What is the point here and what did he get?  He was making a point....and then so did she. He slammed the breaks on to make a point. He didn't do it because he was out of control even if it was because of his unbridled anger and aggressive behavior stemming from ADHD. Been there....done that. And why? For being yelled at while I'm trying to drive.

    Nothing is more distracting than a back seat driver who is making commentary about your driving and giving "helpful directions and advise" during the process. My mother was relentless in doing this and it drove me to absolute madnss with her when ever she would do it which was every time you drove with her in the car with you. I "slammed" by breaks on in several occasions with her and gave her an ultimatum. (so did my father for the same reason.  (not saying this is good...just the reason for it in terms of cause and effect)

    Either she shut up and leave the driving to me...or.... get out of the car....take you pick? (and opening her side door and pointing OUT at the same time)

    She'd do the same thing when I was working with a power saw and come up behind me and go "oh!!! Be careful"....which started me and nearly caused me to cut my own finger off and I promptly took her by the arm and escorted her back inside the house for doing this. I could have lost my finger....out of her "FEAR" that I MIGHT cut it off unless she said something. The very fear that I might do something.....actually ALMOST caused it to happen? The point of me bringing this to the attention of this situation was this very thing stated here....." almost colliding with the car and forcing us off the road." I have no idea what really happened here and if....."almost colliding with the car."....and "forcing us off the road" really means?

    I can imagine a number of different scenarios and that could be interpreted different ways. What is most important and the only thing that matters here is....how she interpreted this which is where she is making her claims and drawing all of her conclusions from.

    In terms of "control" ...only ONE person can control an motor vehicle at a time. Back seat drivers are not only a hindrance...but a danger because the act of back seat driving....gives no control to the back seat driver who is feeling out of control...but it diminishes the attention and the ability to focus on the only one who has any control of the vehicle. The same as when my mother use to do this...which almost caused on accident on several occasions because she startled me so bad and made me second guess what I was doing that she caused me to look away for a moment and that moment was when a car was coming that I missed seeing because of her not because of my driving ability. Her own inability to trust out of her own fear and inability to drive a motor vehicle very well....brought her to a feeling of being out of control when ever she was not the one driving as poorly as she was herself at doing this for all reason there were.   Having to sit quietly and just let the driver do their job was not something she was able to do. She was so worried about what she was worried about....that she caused the driver to worry about what she was worried about...and not paying attention to what you needed to worry about ie: controlling the vehicle and not running into anything? To have an accident...you actually have to make contact. No contact. No accident.

    My mother was so afraid of an accident that might happen....she was neglecting to understand that what might be...will be if you are the cause of this yourself?

    This reminds me of one time I got re-ended by a driver who was following too close to me. But the reason the accident happened in the first place was do to one of those "do gooder" drivers up ahead of me who "stopped" in the middle of the road...to let someone cross where there was no intersection or cross walk. This is one of the most dangerous maneuvers anyone can possible do. When you aren't ready or expecting someone to just stop in the middle of the road....it makes no difference "why" they did it. What they did was just up and stop with no warning or no way of predicting ahead of time that they just "happened to decide" and made a unilateral decision to do this without warning...to let someone standing on the side of the road cross....as if....this is helping anyone? All the person waiting to cross has to do is just wait for the cars to go by and walk across like a normal person. They need no other help than this and any child can do this on there own. The "do gooder" who thinks this is serving some kind of purpose is acting recklessly and flagrantly with no regard for the people behind them and without warning and which is completely random and unpredictable. At the end of the day....it caused me to be run into and the car behind to doing it. The "do gooder" drove off unscathed and oblivious to the problems and the accident they THEY created by doing this. In essence...they made an an emergency "stop"...when there was no emergency and no sign of one anywhere that anyone else behind them can see. I saw the person standing on the side of the road too.....I didn't expect the person in front of me to suddenly "stop"...in the middle of a busy street to let this person cross?

    The failure was the person who "stopped"...not as much the person behind me who now had to make an emergency stop and was too close and not prepared. And very much like this same pattern of failure......fear, surprise or being startled, misinterpretation, assumption, and no communication are the reason why this happens. Making a point...in a way to communicate directly to someone where directness's is a necessity is like communicating in sign language and hoping the other person understands sign language. And if they don't....I'm pretty sure they do not get the point if that's what happening?

    I just wanted to end this with a comment about driving and safety in concerned. I ride a motorcycle and I've been riding since I was a teenager (for over 40 years ) off and on at different times in my life. I have never been down or had an accident or been injured but there is a good reason for this all said and done. People are in denial or have this illusion that a thin piece of sheet metal and some foam and a little upholstery is going to stop and 2 ton vehicle from injuring you if they run into at 60 miles an hour. There is a false sense of security that you get when you feel comfortable and like you are sitting in your living room inside a car. Try jumping on a motorcycle and watch how vulnerable you know become feeling completely exposed and without that thin piece of sheet metal there that somehow makes you feel safe? The ope rant word here is "vulnerability". When someone else is driving the car and you are riding...they are in control and you feel more vulnerable.

    Vulnerability in itself...does not cause you do do anything. What causes you to do "something" is the fear of feeling out of control and vulnerable and this is no different when you ride a motorcycle with cars and trucks on the road with you. No matter who is at fault or who's to blame if there is an accident.....you will be on the losing end of the stick guaranteed and you will most likely die as a high probability. The only thing that will keep you alive...is your ability to think on your feet and do evasive maneuvers and your skill in controlling the motorcycle.

    When I drive my bike in traffic. All rules and laws pretty much fly out the window. I do what I have to do...to stay ahead of traffic and not get sandwiched or caught in a scenario with no escape. I will speed...I will dart....i will even drive off the road on the shoulder if I have to ...in order to keep cars away from me and for me to be on top of what is happening. In the very essence of this....you drive more aggressively not less aggressively in order to do this and what ever is required to do it is what you do. I ride...as if I'm invisible to everyone and make the assumption that no one see;'s me as if....I'm invisible. If you are invisible....then you do not count on or trust...that anyone will see you. You do what you have to stay alive and I've done some pretty major traffic violations in terms of tickets or otherwise in order to stay that way. If I hadn't done this in order to stay alive and just drove as if I was in a car....I would be dead right now for absolutely 100% positive. By not following anyone and being behind them...and staying out in front of everyone with as much space between me and the nearest car or truck...I ensure I am in complete control of the situation by doing what I need to to stay this way.

    This is not in any  rule book or driving manual and there are times I violate those laws in order to stay alive. This means speeding on occasion and jumping through holes in traffic to gain the advantage and keep it that way. This may look like someone being reckless but just the opposite is true. But the first order of business to ensure you can even do this....is being really good and "jousting traffic" and maintaining control of you bike. The illusion of safety and control is only in appearance....the reality of staying alive and paying attention becomes an entirely different thing with a different interpretation when you life...is actually on the line and you realize the fallacy of that thin piece of sheet metal and thinking all you have to do is just follow the rules and you'll be safe?

    One of the wisest and most profound things my father ever told me (he was a phenomenal driver and had amazing skills in controlling a motor vehicle ) "it doesn't matter whose fault it is....when your dead."

    Putting that in terms of this idea of "pattern of failure in thinking" and why this happens....I think my father was on to something that had to do more than with just not getting killed on the highway? For what it's worth?

    J

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