Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • "Floor Closet" by: bowlofpetunias 5 hours 27 min ago

    This Devil Bear comic reminds me of our house.

    The link above bring's up the current comic.  The one I wanted to display was posted on November 3, 2019.  You can go to that date in the archive.



  • Big blowup, police involved--again by: bowlofpetunias 1 day 3 hours ago

    First, some background.  Last spring, our diagnosed ADHD son/daughter (recently came out as transgender, but this background also covers the period before that) wanted to be emancipated and to move to another state to live with internet contacts.  I feared this was internet grooming.  He (at the time) missed a lot of school and wound up failing most of his classes for the final marking period.  He also ran away one time after arguing with my wife while I was out of town.  The police were involved in looking for him.  In September, I took him to a gaming convention.  He would not return to the hotel when the convention was done for the day.  I wound up filing a missing persons report.  He stayed with internet/gaming friends ranging from ages 19 to 26.  Later, I heard her (after coming out) tell a counselor that this was "the farthest I have ever gone" sexually.  We demanded that she pay us back the money for the trip, but she has continued to refuse to do any work around the house.  A week or so later, there was an altercation where she knocked over a chair that hit my undiagnosed ADHD wife and stormed out of the house.  Yet another missing persons report.  Then we learned that she posted suicidal ideas (including "good bye") on social media.  I took her to the ER and she was admitted to a mental health hospital for a few days.  Problems with school continued to escalate.  I had to pick her up at the police station after she left school during a class.  Lots of times not going to school at all.  The school insisted that I walk her to the entryway each morning.  She has been insisting on getting an online degree.  The school systems says this is not possible.  Everyone, including me, have pointed out that she does not have the discipline to actually complete the work on her own.  She then decided to go to a school/mental health program as an alternative--in the hopes of that leading to online school.  They told her that was not possible.

    Last night, I was working on an important volunteer project.  My computer froze and I lost everything.  It took me a long time to get the computer up again.  Just after I started over, my wife came down and said I should disconnect the iternent because our teen had lied about not having her computer and was using it past bedtime.  She followed downstairs and started yelling and cursing--including, oddly, some homophobic and misogynistic terms.  I tried to back up my wife and deescalate the situation at the same time.  My wife felt threatened and told her to "find somewhere else to sleep tomorrow night."  I tried to explain that this was a bad idea, given the history of running away and police involvement.  I said she would regret this.  Then things escalated.  She says our teen spit on her glasses.  Our teen sarcasticallly said that at least my wife had given her one day to leave.  Then she told her to get out NOW.  I was trying to wrap up the project I was working on (it was due that night) and my wife kept yelling at me.  Frequently this would include "How much am I supposed to take," which I understood to refer to my attempt to convince her that kicking her out of the house was not a good idea. 

    My wife went to pick up something at the store.  I texted out parenting coach (and included my wife) about what had happened.  She convinced my wife to call the police.  (I felt it was necessary to get my wife open to her coming back home before I called the police because it would not work if she just kicked her out again.)  Eventually, she posted something on discord about being at a friends house in another town.  The police picked her up around 12pm and one of us had to go pick her up.  Given how many times I have had to miss work because to deal with things, my wife went and picked her up.

    My wife claims she was not yelling at me.  The closest thing she would admit was that she yelled in my direction.

    This behavior--attacking me when she is mad at the kids--reminds me of the period a few years ago when I feared she had Borderline Personality Disorder and I was seriously thinking about divorce if things did not improve.

  • Non adhd wife suffocating by: inSearchForHope 2 days 18 hours ago

    Being married for 12 years, 8 of those my husband is diagnosed with ADHD, he takes meds for it and said they help him focus at work. As I feel, meds had no effect on our steadily declining relationship. I only found out ADHD has an effect on marriage a couple of months ago and as I was reading ( all I could find on web) Everything clicked:( his very typical symptoms, patterns, progression. I'm devastated.  He's in complete denial about his ADHD effect. Actually he said " all past marriage problems we had are Your Fault, I was just present ". All blame is on me, he's VERY defensive- see above. I asked him to read Melissa"s article " to men who aren't convinced it matters", told him I have new hopes to help us as a couple and how important it is for me .A MONTH later ( I was careful to not push or nah I asked about his thoughts on it. And? He said he didn't read " because he did something else I asked for. Meaning I am again the one to blame:(  A few year ago I was put on highest dose of Zoloft by Psychiatrist who talked to me got like 30 min. It did not help at all. Because it's not a problem in my head!!!! Over the years I kept making adjustments to my behavior, attitude, anything I could think of. Nothing worked. I feel like an annoyance to him most of the time, because talking to me distracts him fro what he is focused on currently ( not me . My time was short first  few months:(   Gradually I  lost hope, confidence, and my voice went with it. Even the memory of his  explosive rage typical when I tried to address any issues between us sends me into panic attacks:( So I'm silent, except crying every night and sometimes more.   I have nowhere to go, but I'm vanishing here. Help!!!! 
    or say something!!! Please

  • Kind of defeats the whole purpose of calling ahead by: bowlofpetunias 3 days 1 hour ago

    Last night, my wife suggested ordering out and asked me if I could pick it up.  OK.

    I looked at the menu and told her what I wanted.  The kids were still deciding, so I said I would go to the store for some things we needed and then I could pick it up.

    I called to check in to make sure she placed the order when I finished shopping.  Yes, she placed the order FOR THREE OF US.  Our teen wanted to go with me and ask questions about the food before deciding.  I pointed out that this would mean waiting another twenty minutes while our food grew cold.  Once we got to the restaurant, our teen basically ordered right off the menu without asking any questions!  Then did not eat it anyway.

    I pointed out that 1) she should have checked with me before placing a partial order, 2) she should have thought it through herself and realized our food would get cold, and 3) she is the parent and can tell our kids they have to order with everyone else or find something to eat at home.

  • Help needed - Non- ADHD Spouse by: kabee 3 days 6 hours ago

    Me (22) and my husband (25) have been married since two years, I started living with him last year and then I had to come back to my own country to finish off my education. I went this year again during my summer vacations and now I am back here while my husband is living away from me. We discovered about him suffering from ADHD this january or so but I did not know then that it would have huge impact on our married life. He seems to feel everything in an exaggerated way, I feel like i have to walk on eggshells when I am saying anything infront of him or even about him.He is extremely sensitive about what I say to him infornt of others. Example,  He thought I am not giving him enough respect because I said "Hey what you doing" when he poured juice on his rice. We have had some trust issues before, he did not want me to go out with my university friends or attend any events or functions. I went out but did not tell him about it, I lied that I do not go out when I did. I also took birth control pills without letting him know because he was not understanding my opnion, I did not want to have kids while my education was still going. Anyways few months ago he found out about the pills, at first he was very calm about it but then he got extremely annoyed, he said every worst thing possible like I might be sleeping with somebody else and what not. This has not yet calmed down when he discovered about my social media account, which he had asked me to delete, through it he found out the events that I had attended without him knowing . He lost it all there, he took control of my everything and social accounts and went literally everywhere so he could get information about me. He talked to my ex-boyfriend pretending as me in order to get information out of him. After that his anger was out of control, he was extremely abusive, he labelled me as a flirt who used him, a whore, who only uses guys and flirts with him. I apologised again and again but he did not listen. He says I dont have any trust in your words. His anger was so much that he thought I even participated in sexual activities with others. Our families got involved, they tried to make him understand, he agreed and promised he will not investigate any further but the very next day it all started again. I am so tired of all of this. Even before we have had fights which got physical. Every now and then we would have arguments over stupid things. I got physical first because his demands were just too much. Now I think its his adhd thats exaggerating his responses. We have not talked since a week. His family is extremely supportive. He has been taking medication but he  does overdose sometimes or just skip it all together. I don't know what to do, i dont want to go back but I cant get divorced either. What guarantee do I have that he will be fine once I start living with him and we have kids? How do I know he will be willing to work on his adhd? His mother says once you come back and develop the trust and have kids, he will be fine. But I don't know, I am extremely confused

  • I could really use some advice - non adhd spouse by: Shelleyn 3 days 20 hours ago

    I am the non adhd spouse and I'm pretty new to figuring this stuff out. My husbands takes vyvanse to help him focus and it does help him. However, it doesn't seem to help with any of the other adhd symptoms like irritability.  When I try to discus this with him he says he only feels irritability when I'm there so it's something in our relationship and not part of his adhd.  I think this might be possible but I'm wondering if anyone else has any input about this?

    ex: this morning our dogs chased a runner at the dog park. She came back and asked if we could hold them while she ran away. She was a bit irritated (which I felt was totally understandable) but he was angry with her right away. He was ready to start an altercation with her, finally I stepped in and apologized to her. Then he was angry that I hadn't stood up for him. 

  • Intro by: Defeatedagain 1 week 3 hours ago

    Hi Everyone

    I am new to this group and just wanted to share an intro. I am a non adhd spouse to someone who we have just began to realize meets all of the criteria for ADHD. Our relationship is in crisis and I am feeling defeated and desperate and don't know which way to turn. I am glad that I found this group. It's all coming crashing down on me just how much this has been affecting his/our life for the past 14 years. I have just been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and feel that the root cause is burnout from running a household with 3 kids plus the grown up kid and a business (that I had to start just so he would have a job and contribute financially) essentially on my own. I feel like a puppet master and if I drop the strings it will all come crashing down. I am on the verge of leaving. It is on my mind most of the days I feel like I am planning an escape from entrapment. I am having a very hard time controlling my frustration and irritation and it is causing great dysfunction in our family. I would easily leave this very minute, actually years ago, if we didn't have kids. At the same time I don't want our family to break up and I am scared to leave my kids with him for any amount of time due to his inattentiveness and lack of ability to run a household and be a primary parent in general. I don't have anyone to talk about this with. Honestly, when I think about talking about it with my friends I feel like they won't understand and that it's just not a big deal. Any words of advice or support would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for holding space here.

  • Adhd husband, immaturity and addictive behaviour with alcohol by: Cinzia_19 2 weeks 1 day ago

    Hello everybody, I'm new here. I'm 37 years old, married for almost 7 years with a newly diagnosed (only a couple of months) adhd husband, mother of a beautiful 6 year old girl and currently pregnant of a second child.

    My husband has never been very focused on his feelings and our relationship, not even before we got married. I loved him deeply anyway.  Even though he was not so open feeling wise, I just thought it was part of his particular personality, that for some aspects, I adored. I loved his positivity, I loved the fact he was not scared of anything, I loved his mental energy (cause physically I have always considered him quite lazy), I loved the fact he was able to get what he wanted because he has always been so proud of his strong will. I estimated him so much cause I thought he was very clever, since he's always been successful with his job.
    Things changed after marriage, when we started to live together. He's a businessman, so I wasn't expecting him to be always at home with me and our daughter...but I wasn't even expecting him to be completely absent. I have raised our daughter completely by myself risking to get burned out, he has never helped with her or played with her when she was in her first 3 years, he has never helped at home with the smallest domestic tasks. At home, he's just used to spend his time sitting in front of the computer working or showing up just when it's time to eat, otherwise he's lying on the bed looking at his phone all the time or sleeping. Between me and him there's no relationship. He doesn't talk to me, he doesn't feel like spending time with me, we're like flatmates. He just looks for me when he needs to satisfy his sexual needs (but  in this sphere too he's always been very distant, he doesn't participate actively with passional involvement or enthusiasm). His only priority is his job and at least with that, I can't complain. He works a lot, I don't work and we could always live a very good life. He loves our daughter cause I can see he's very fond of her and he wants always the best for her. He has also begged me for another child, I was very doubtful considering all these problems, but I started to think I was actually over demanding. Relatives and friends started to see me like a complaining, screaming monster since he used to describing me like that. 

    Furthermore he has also another problem. If he goes out with his friends, he always acts like the teenage leader of the group, he exaggerates drinking until he gets completely wasted because he can't control himself. This behaviour has always brought a lot of instability in our couple. I just can't accept this thing. He's not an alcoholic cause he doesn't have the need to drink everyday. This happens just when he goes out with his friends (and in 7 years these situations have occurred like 10 times, no more, so it's not so often). Then he comes to me to apologise, saying it won't happen again, but it happens again and again. He knows he creates sorrow, but he says he just can't stop himself but he loves us so much. He doesn't have any control in eating either. He drinks like 8 coffees per day and he uses huge amounts of nicotine.
    Two months ago he started to think he could have adhd (I didn't know anything about this disturb on adults, so I thought it was another of his excuses), so he went to a psychiatrist who said he actually has adhd. He started to take Strattera like a month ago and he's still with a low dose. During this month he started with this med, the situation got even worse. He got drunk again and he tried cocaine for the first time in his life (something he has always been against). He said he understood he overcame a limit and wants to change his life cause it can't go on like this. He went away to his parents for two weeks with the intention of finding some mental balance, he got rid of the nicotine. He was supposed to come back home today, but yesterday he met up with some friend and got completely wasted again. This morning he was apologising on the phone, swearing the most important thing for him is me and the daughters. He's acting like crazy, I don't understand anything anymore. He said he feels more impulsive than ever with the alcohol thing since he's taking this med, but he feels its positive effects relating to focus, sleep and energy. The psychiatrist thinks that if he can keep away from alcohol now, when he will reach the right dose of med in like 5 or 6 months, his impulsivity will be taken down to a normal person level and consequently this problem will be solved cause he'll be able to moderate himself with alcohol in the future. He also said Strattera, even if it's still a small dose, has probably raised his tolerance, that's why he exaggerated even more lately. He told me to give it a chance because there will be for sure positive results. It's a very complicated moment for me cause I'm 5 months pregnant with a child to think about and I would need support, while I have to give support to him and he's creating more problems than ever exactly now. 
    I'm writing here with the hope to find some suggestions...maybe someone has experienced something similar? Thank you all. 

  • Hello from new member by: Timthetangent 2 weeks 1 day ago

    Hi all.  My name is Tim.  I currently live in London, UK and am approaching my 60th birthday.  I found this forum after finishing "The" book. 

    I am a retired fire officer and former primary school Governor (kindergarten to sixth grade translates I think for the US audience).  Spelling will be English so please excuse the "S" where you expect a "Z" and the addition of U in words where there is none in North America.  My role within the fire department, as well as the school, included screening for specific learning difficulties, autism, mental health issues and general welfare challenges from external sources.  I never considered myself an expert in any of the screening work, nor the child protection role where abuse or neglect was suspected, but the latter is always dealt with via social services and the law courts in the UK.  Despite my lack of professional training (few Governors are ever doctors of psychiatrists for instance), I felt that my radar was reasonably good when screenings took place. 

    Yet it wasn't until my nephew was diagnosed with Asperger's that the light bulb moment occurred and realised that my brother (his father) was almost certainly living with the same high functioning condition. I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder (actually they called it "manic depressive" back then) and, as often is the case with anything connected to mental health it became the taboo that no one was allowed to talk about - I really wanted to, but the response each time was to be shut down by friends and family. 

    Whilst reading Melissa Orlov's book, every page ticked a box about what was going on in my life, my marriage, my relationship with friends and former work colleagues (I'm now semi-retired). When I started to suggest that maybe I had the condition, the overwhelming response from some of my closest friends has been that it was the elephant in the room for years.  I have no idea why anyone didn't see fit to mention it, but there we go. The biggest issue at home is that I am married to the polar opposite of myself when it comes to organising trips, events and life itself. As well as the "usual" list of behaviour cycles that the book highlights so clearly, the parent-child issue is painfully present as well as my ability to talk for England that can be brought down to Earth with train crash speed to shutting down and not uttering a word.

    I can write what I'm thinking in a manner that people clearly understand although (as you'll notice) it's usually verbose as a simple yes or no without qualification or embellishment just seems rude.  It's verbal communication that is problematic as I can't delete the last wrong word or edit a paragraph that was unwittingly critical, negative, accusatory or argumentative.  That lack of editorial control when speaking should teach me to shut up for ten seconds until I've thought properly about how to respond, but that doesn't seem to work either at the moment, because as soon as I am constructing a sentence in my brain, the distraction is that I am being attacked and I have to defend myself and that just gets too overwhelming. I also swear (cuss - potty-mouthed expletive ranting) when I'm excited, annoyed or impassioned about stuff - good or bad. 

    Paradoxically, I spent 28 years leading and managing firefighters after I was promoted myself at operational incidents without it being particularly stressful.  In hindsight, the ADHD may have contributed to some of the relationship conflicts that occurred at the time.  Profile wise, I know we're all unique, but some of my own traits don't necessarily align with the stereotypes of the condition.  I am untidy and need to make what seems like a huge effort to put things away and in the right place each time, but I'm getting much better at that after years of practice now. In 35 years of full time employment, I was late for work just twice. I do most of the washing and a fair share of the washing up and domestic chores in the house too.  I love to cook, so that's never a chore. We are both procrastinators though, but I'd rather stay up until 2am washing up than get up early to do stuff that's unfinished, whereas my wife will be happy to leave things until the morning then she'll get up at silly O'clock, go for a swim and a gym class and maybe a run and be back for breakfast and a clear up. This is her "normal" full on a crazy busy organising adventure after adventure. 

    It would be easy to say that maybe that's just my impression given the difference in expectations and perspectives from one partner to the other, but friends and family routinely tell us that they get exhausted just reading about what we've been up to (almost ALL of which is organised by her-she is amazing).  What has now become clearer is that it's not the actual organising so much as the engagement, enthusiasm, co-planning - sitting down together to actually help and show some sort of personal attachment.  I don't know why I  have so much difficulty in achieving this. It doesn't seem like an unreasonable request to chat about an adventure, but the allegation that I'm oblivious to things around me is clearly confirmed by our closest friends.

    I'd love to work on things from start to finish most of the time, but even the relatively quick jobs will get put to one side because of a distraction.  We're currently selling the family home in order to move closer to the grandchildren and I've been managing the arrangements for care for my mother with Alzheimer's since February that's gone awry in the last week (dispute between mum and a care worker - not ADHD related), All of this adds to the stress and distractions though.

    I love my wife dearly, but it's clear that I am the cause of her unhappiness and I cannot counter that.  She has said that she feels lonely and unloved, which having read the book I understand this is "textbook" stuff for ADHD partners. I'm hopeful that we haven't left it too late, but I will leave without a fight if I continue to be the source of her sadness. I'm not one to give up, but I need to try something different and maybe some space between us will help a complete meltdown.  

    So that's where we are, because it is WE and not just me, I get that. I'd love to hear from everyone what works best for you.  What were the deal breakers? What strategy or tactics reaped results? What's the one thing you'd avoid if you could start the ADHD effect journey you're on all over again? 

    Thanks in anticipation of your responses.  

  • How many Dr & therapists does it take? by: CptW 2 weeks 3 days ago

    Husband is on his 3rd Psychiatrist and 2nd therapists within a year. He meets the DSM-IV criteria for ADHD, and per my observation has little if any hyperactivity symptoms, but off the charts on Inattentive type.  The Psychiatrist have use the typical DSM-IV questions and over all spent on average of 20 mins first visit and 15 per follow up visits. One of the Psychiatrist  even told him... "I dont believe there is such thing as Adult ADHD, but am prescribing you vyvanse to help with your focus"
    His therapist , whom he likes very much seems very focused on general life therapy- meaning he gets no help with ADHD related life skills or specific help  ADHD strategies.  We also went to a marriage councilor a couple of times, but again... no help on dealing with life and ADHD. The marriage councilor said "Until he gets ahold of his issues, there's nothing you can do. You need to focus on making yourself happy and finding your own world." ... It made me feel as if the marriage counselor didn't understand that my husband literally thinks differently than typical brains. 

    I've looked through the resources here on this site and see the nearest listed professionals are 3+ hours away. Part of me feels it would be worth it to have experts specific to ADHD, but the other part of me wonders how the heck we would manage continuous appointments 3+ hours away. 

    My biggest issue is you dont go to a General Surgeon, (no matter how good they are) when you have heart surgery- you go to a cardiologist.

    • How many doctors have you had or gone through to help with ADHD?
    • Have you/or partner had complete Neuro evaluation testing? 
    • How many travel for treatment?   
    • How do you find an ADHD focused doctor if none are listed on the ADD sites for your area? 

    Frustrated and fed up with the lack of professional help.