have come to my wits end with my passive husband. I have been catering to his need to feel loved and understood so much that I feel like I am the man/leader in this marriage. Am I stuck? Why should I reach out and take the lead again but this time in trying to fix this marriage. I would like to separate just so that I can have some peace and sanity. I would like for him to read men who love fierce women and reach out to godly men for counseling but he is okay with things as they are and tells me that he loves me( words words words with no action) and that I am free to go if I am so miserable and that he doesn’t blame me. On the other hand he tells me to stop making him out to be the bad guy and if I want to leave then leave but I have never loved him or cared about him, etc I just don’t feel like I should be loving him and living with him in understanding and that our roles are way to reversed to the point where I feel like I can’t be a woman meaning I can’t have feelings or needs etc. I am so ready to leave but have ordered your book and will see what it says but I am not at the point to where I can take the lead on anything right now.
- So frustrated by: leenlo 1 day 12 hours ago
- Partner is CONSTANTLY hurting me and himself... Any tips?! by: Pochi Mumma 1 day 19 hours ago
Hello! I'm new to this site and was wondering if I could get some help with a really irritating part of our relationship.
My partner is lovely but has NO spacial awareness and is constantly running into things, bashing himself against something, tripping, bruising himself, or me!! He tells me he's been clumsy his entire life (he has awful stories about getting seriously hurt) but I don't necessarily enjoy being bumped, bashed with an elbow, kicked accidentally, bent the wrong way, etc. He kinda reminds me of Lenny from Of Mice and Men (you know what I'm saying) where he seriously doesn't recognise his own strength. He is also very abrupt in his movements as well so there is never a smooth physical transition, always a shooting upward to stand up or jab of an arm to grab something so I never an able to anticipate his movements (currently I'm trying to type this with a sore wrist because I was cuddling him when he decided to suddenly flex his back into my wrist and pin my hand to the ground)
It's entirely accidental and he always feels bad for hurting me, but I'm just over it!! Any tips for improving spatial awareness? It would be nice to not have to hold his elbows when I walk behind him to protect myself in case he suddenly gives me a jab!
Thanks so much! Looking forward to hearing advice :)
- After Years, abrupt break up and no communication by ADHD SO by: nochangingnames 4 days 8 hours ago
Hello all, long time lurker here but first time poster. Up until a few weeks ago I was in a relationship for 5 years. The individual had been diagnosed with ADHD since they were a child. They were on meds but about a few months ago the medication stopped being as effective. Our 5 years together were great (not the first 2 years but the rest was). Or so I thought. Lately we had been going back and forth about progress in our relationship. After 5 years I was looking to get engaged and move in together. We had lived together informally for short periods before (during life transitions, apartment changes, etc.) and it was amazing. Throughout this relationship I was always proactive about reading about ADHD and researching various aspects and trying to make sure I was understanding what was happening. He would even joke that he felt like I understood it better than he did (of course not true since it is his personal experience).
Initially he was on board with the engagement and then this changed. He didn't want to discuss the topic. It coincided with his general anxiety building about changes at work and in his personal life. I was at fault because I kept pushing the discussion and instead should have respected him and given him space to figure out what was happening internally. At first I gave him space but then I brought it back up because it was important to me, I felt as though we were stuck in one spot since year 2. Over the past year he had a lot of built up anxiety and the meds weren't really working anymore. He asked me to help finding a professional in our current city so I researched and found a good psychiatrist and therapist in our city but it took him months to get around to seeing them. I was feeling like...if the issue for us to move forward is X, shouldn't we try and work on X? I wasn't very understanding.
But it is not as though we were fighting all the time. Our first two years were tough due to cheating on his end and we got into a bad cycle with arguments and such for a while there. I was unkind for the 1.5 year post-revelation. I wish I had been less cruel/mean in our fights after that. But when I made the decision into year 2-3 to forgive him and forget about it and never bring it up because he had truly evolved from that person who cheated on me, things got a lot better. However, he couldn't see me as a person who had changed. He constantly said that he was really afraid of us fighting and still saw me as that angry person even though he knew I was no longer. We have had amazing trips around the world, my family has accepted and loved him unconditionally, and we had built a cozy corner of the world for just the two of us. We saw each other every day. I helped him apply to jobs, edit even the most minor emails and texts if he asked me to (for example maybe edit email tone for upper management or something). We trusted each other's judgment a lot.
We had an argument one evening a few weeks ago (mentioned above). I regretted my tone immediately and tried getting a hold of him to no avail. I definitely overdid my attempts to get a hold of him. The next day I received a text that basically said while we love each other we are bad for each other and we make each other unhealthy and I cannot contact him anymore and he can't see me and that while he will hold the memories dear this is it. He said he was really struggling psychologically and emotionally. Then he promptly blocked me on everything. His mom texted my mom and said the same exactly thing and said that we both need to focus on healing and getting healthy. We are approaching 30 (age wise).
So, I guess I am now in a place where 5 years ended over a text. The dreams of us together and the 3 kids he wanted and the 2 dogs and the trips we had planned....all gone. My best friend, the closest, nearest, and dearest, my person who just got me and whom I held and loved unconditionally is gone. Yes, we had the usual procrastination issues in our relationship that led me to pick up the slack 70% of the time BUT I was happy to do it. Sometimes I would mention to him that I was in a place where I needed extra help but usually it was fine.
Can it truly be so final? That he will never reach out again even to just say hello or be friends or have a conversation about what went down? I don't really understand what happened. Why couldn't the end at least have been a conversation? I am in a lot of pain. Weeks later and I am still hurting very much. We loved each other very much. I have given him the space he asked for and have not reached out. I just can't accept that the years were so terrible and that we were in a downward spiral especially since just a month ago he had told me that this past year was amazing and our best yet. I will have to get in touch in a month or so because a lot of my personal belongings of great sentimental value are at his place but I might just have a neutral party do that so he doesn't feel like I am disrespecting his wishes.
I both want to respect his wishes but I also want to in a month try reaching out to say hello and ask how he is doing. No other questions. It'a tough to be so out of the loop on his health.
Has anyone out there gone through this? Perspective of folks with ADHD, have you ever ended things abruptly and then changed your mind? I don't understanding not letting me even say a word.
- This 57 Year Old Lady Earned Her College Degree by: I'm So Exhausted 4 days 10 hours ago
While I've taken time to be away from this forum, I graduated from college. I started classes in January 2012 on the business track, then shifted to follow my passion - children. This May, I graduated and took that stroll down the aisle to receive my diploma. . . . . . . exactly 40 years after I took the stroll down the aisle to receive my high school diploma. Cool.
I earned my degree in Early Childhood Education.. To my delight and utter amazement, prior to graduation I was offered a job at the school where I did my student teaching. Even without having achieved my licensure. Yep, I was offered a foot in the door to the school system, while I spend the next few months working on attaining my license.
Gosh, no pounding the pavement, sending out resumes, and going to countless interviews. I was told she watched me during visits to the school during my student teaching, and what she saw was better than any answers I could give to questions in an interview. Yep, a tad of feeling very content and proud of my accomplishments.
Random 'Life' lesson I learned: A 57 year old woman with her first college degree can get a job. Some qualifications, other than teaching skills include:
- She has a lot of life's lessons already under her belt.
- She has a dependable car.
- She will, most probably, not need maternity leave. :)
Monday is my first day on the job.
Content with my path,
- How do I change if he doesn't? by: Goldilox73 5 days 10 hours ago
My spouse acknowledges his ADHD (just diagnosed in May). He has tremendous insight into his problem with anger management. He absolutely gets the impact of that on me and the kids. But, it happens so fast. That hair trigger temper. It's SO fast, I can't see it coming. Then his words are out. They are loud and sometimes mean. They are VERY sarcastic. And then, for him, it's over. He feels bad. And I just fester like a pot of boiling water. This pattern has gone on for years and I feel broken. What if he can't fix this? He wants to. But it keeps happening. The Vyvanse he's been taking does NOTHING for this inability to catch himself before he blows. I want so badly to work on myself. To let go of all the anger that's built up from this behavior. But, if he can't change, is it realistic to think I can let it all go??? How does one shift their thinking after being yelled at so many times during a marriage? How does one break down that HUGE WALL?
- Independence or Loving Partnership by: jennalemone 1 week 13 hours ago
I have these words to describe what I see happening on this board. There may or may not be ADD/ADHD but many of us are in coupledom with someone who values their independence above all.
Descriptions of those who value their independence above all are: They do not want to be depended on. They want to be left alone most of the time to "sail their own ship". They resent someone desiring partnership or teamwork. They don't mind breaking promises....promises are a burden to them. They may lie so that they can do what they want to do rather than what you could do together. They don't make future plans with you or without you because that would take away from their independent impulse living. They don't want to be ruled by the clock but rather "come if and when they get their". Don't count of them. They make sure they get their share (or a little more, hehehe, if they can out of the deal) They don't share thoughts or feelings because that would make them vulnerable and answerable. They turn on the charm to manipulate a conversation to "get away with" their own agenda. They are selfish in that their money and their time is THEIRS....not to be shared but compartmentalized so they can guard themselves in offense/defense.
The people who find themselves on this board are those of us who, when we said "and now the two will become one", believed that two were better than one and had the vision of building a life TOGETHER. We believed that walking through life with someone by your side made both of you better and stronger than either of us alone. We were happy to have someone to give our love and energy and support to because we believed that THAT is what love is.
H's definition of love is, when I asked him, "To feel pleasure". So, again, there is that independence...Love, to him, is HIS singular feelings. If his feelings are gone, then, the love is gone...So in his perspective, love goes out the window when he is not being pleasured.
My definition of love is, when you care more for a loved ones well-being than your own. Because love is an action and an effort.
When one person loves one way and the other person loves the other way, We have the problems we see here on this board. Maybe ADD does have a small part of this independence vs partnership dilemma, maybe its just an attitude separate from any ADD. I know someone, myself included probably, would respond with "There must be a balance." But that is the problem I see here. There is no balance. The partnering spouse feels unloved. The independent spouse feels????? smart? and free? Because the "one who cares least wins" in a relationship with an independent person it seems. Or at least, to those of us who expected a partnership in marriage, it seems they can get what they want by themselves - since they just want freedom to do as they choose without limits or expectations and they can find pleasure for themselves just about anywhere...new pleasures without strings. Those of us who want to walk hand in hand through a life together with a loved one, don't get what we want.
My husband was a traveling salesman who does not wear a wedding ring. As I have heard it said, "I am married. My husband is not married. But I am married."
- The longest breakup...ever by: KittyPlatinumPink 1 week 1 day ago
I'm ending a 4 1/2 year relationship with someone with severe ADHD or, at least, it seems that way. He's going through a lot of stress right now. In addition to the change with us, his parents are divorcing and his money is tight. It seems that he's having a break before my eyes. On top of his usual foul mood, his behavior has taken a really dark turn and is now unpredictable. This change started taking shape a few days ago. Pretty much he's crafted a complex conspiracy theory and is weaving his family, friends, and even me into it. I've taken to keeping my bedroom door closed and have told him not to disturb me. He does it anyway, so I started locking my door. I started this about a month ago. It's been good for me, but I think that's caused him to withdraw and go deeper into his imagination. Now here we are: everyone from his childhood until now is somehow conspiring against him.
He literally said to me "I don't know if I can trust you" this morning. That's just scary. What does that even mean? This was after I went to the living room to see him crying tears of frustration because he couldn't log into his computer. (He sleeps on the couch instead of in his room, which is also a problem that I've mentioned to him a few times.) The reason for his frustration this morning? He claimed he was being hacked because he was trying over and over to log in and couldn't get in. Of course, after talking and then fighting with me, he regrouped and has been on his computer for a couple of hours. Instead of it being user error, he's sure that someone was actively hacking him. When he got in he was saying "I'm so smart", "I'm smarter than them." There is no way for me to convince him otherwise, therefore, I've not tried. This isn't the only bit of conspiracy. He went out of his way to warn me earlier this week that there might be spies watching him and, therefore, me. BTW, this is someone who isn't good with technology and is so suspicious of the Internet that he won't order things online and used my ride share account for months before getting his own. (The only reason he has one now is that when we broke up I locked him out of mine, so he had to create his own.) From my perspective, he woke up upset and agitated, and human error prevented him from logging in. I'm a big fan of Occams's Razor: basically, when you have two competing theories that make exactly the same predictions, the simpler one is better. He and I are a big mismatch.
For the last two hours or so he's been on a video call with his mother, so she's been getting his anger wrapped in conspiracy theories. About half way in, I asked him when he'd be finished. Mind you this all started just before 7am. He's finally done talking to her, so it's been 4 hours of this madness.
I've been lurking on this forum for awhile, so it seems like I've experienced a lot of what many of you have:
- verbal abuse
- frequent fights
- him being sure that no one "understands" or gets it (of course, he's the only one who does)
- walking on eggshells
- not being sure when his mood is good or bad
- being accused of being a nag when I remind him of something or share how something is bothering me
- him constantly policing my "tone" - no matter how I say something he tries to accuse me of having the wrong tone
- him accusing me of being selfish and unfair because he's doing everything to accommodate me, which implies I do nothing to accommodate him
Eventually, I'd just had enough and told him it was over. I don't see anything he's doing beyond medicating himself with marijuana, which is legal where we are. (I don't have a problem with that; it's just that only treats one aspect of ADHD.)
He says once he pays me back in full then he’ll be able to save and move. He’s been pretty good with paying me back. This month he’s been unable to. I doubt his father is going to support him if he continues this course of behavior. Yes, his father sends him money regularly, and I realize even though I could trust him with small sums of money I should have never agreed to loan him more than I could afford to lose. I'm now stuck and either have to risk not seeing the rest of it or figuring something out. That’s been really tough because I'm also looking for a new job. Having this stress in the background isn't easy. In fact, he pretty much ruined a phone interview I had this week because he was outside on the phone yelling at his father. (I eventually left and did the interview in my car.)
At this point, I'm getting close to my wit's end. I figured it would be fine: he could settle his debt, save his money, and move. Instead, things seem to be getting worse the longer he stays here.
I'm not looking for solutions. I need a safe place to vent. This is something I'm not even sharing with friends, and that's pretty hard for me.
- Hosting my ex-h by: PoisonIvy 1 week 4 days ago
Because our daughters are in town, and he needs a place to stay when he visits them here (versus at his parents' home, 150 miles away). I feel like a good person, although a very stressed person.
- Progress, Hope and Validation by: JJamieson 1 week 5 days ago
Since, I am officially calling our marriage over even if not by decree......I have since had a couple of "gifts" thrown at me and I'm taking them and running with them and using them for the future. I am convinced in my situation, that Narcissism on some level was a real factor regardless of anything else going on. I'm stating that and making that distinction since I have come out of this with a new found revelation which I have discovered recently and I am what this is saying. On the positive side for all concerned I guess I'm what you call an empath? Okay, go figure but I fit this definition like a glove....Okay, what ever? LOL
But I stumbled across an article that may be useful to anyone here regardless since it speaks of a type of immunity and power....that I think can useful to anyone? I don't know how I got to be this way exactly but I was born this way so it's not something you can't teach ( exactly...I don't know, maybe you can, I can't ..as far as I know ) anyway. I liked this article and what it said and it was validating for me at least. The title of it is what caught my eye "An Educated Empath is a Narcissists Worst Nightmare" Ha! lol
"Childs play"........like I said" ( lol ) It's not fun, and it's still exhausting, but it's not abusive. No one can abuse me unless I allow them to. I am the decider on that one without a doubt. Knowledge is power, what more can you say?
http://dailyleakes.com/an-educated-empath-is-a-narcissists-worst-nightma... No resemblance to "Glinda" inside the bubble though. I don't have a bubble, I just go awe-na-tu-rale with a T-shirt and Levi's. That's more my style. LOL
- He put the shoes in the shoebox by: Strivingforjoy 2 weeks 3 hours ago
I have ADHD and he has ADHD. Difference is I knew and was able to be trained about it from childhood. While I definitely still have it, I also have the tools to compensate for the most part.
So when I got home the other day and saw that shoes were placed in the shoebox. I was so happy.
It's a little thing. But when he does things without asking. Especially things he doesn't really want to do. It feels like a win.