My husband has been withholding sex for several years because he says he no longer is attracted to me due to my forgetfulness and not doing things the way he wants me to. I have forgotten things in his lunch and today I mailed a letter but neglected to send it three day mail like he wanted me to. We've been married for twenty years and he keeps saying he should just leave because he can't trust me to do anything right, that he might as well be single if he has to do everything himself. I don't know why I stay. I feel like such a failure in life. There will be time I go with long stretches without messing anything up but then something will happen and I'm back to square one. It's so demoralizing. He'll say I'll be like My Mom and my sister who both got divorced. I honestly don't know how to go out on my own. I'm 53 years old. We don't have any kids. Most everything is in his name. How can I afford an apartment? I've only lived alone for a couple of months before we were married.
- Withholding sex/no longer attracted to me by: Poohnot 5 days 12 hours ago
- How is it being divorced with an adhd spouse? by: kal11 1 week 11 hours ago
Hey everyone I'm married to an adhd spouse and he's on meds but that's all he doesn't do any other therapy. He creates lists and never actually does anything on it, we have a house full of projects that need doing that never get done and I just sit here and stir, we have a baby at home and I'm terrified of divorce, having to split my time with my daughter, different holidays etc like many on here I'm hanging around because of my child, but I'm burnt out. I purposely went back to work part time to relieve some of my stress but I've recently started working more hours plus doing the majority of the housework. I feel like I try to be supportive and let him go golfing, see his friends, etc but it's never enough, I ask him to complete one task on the list and it's like I asked him to move a mountain . He insists I'm always bugging him to do stuff but it's all play and no work. I mean I get he works Monday to Friday but I also work nights long hours plus the house. It's always well weekends are my only time off I don't want to do shit on the house etc. I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable but it's literally take a month for one light to be changed, ugh I just don't know if we should move and forget this house move into something already done relieve some of this stress but I also don't know if I want to move with him if I don't want to be with him anymore. Anyways I got a bit off topic but anyone on here get divorced from their adhd spouse with a toddler or young kids? Any advice suggestions your experiences? Love to hear from you thanks!
- Traveling with ADHD spouse by: Dagmar 1 week 1 day ago
I just need to vent, and would like to have some commiseration. So please share your stories about taking trips with you ADHD spouse.
We have a trip coming up this weekend, and like always, something came up. My husband recently got back in touch with an old friend who is visiting town this week and will only be available on Friday, the day we are supposed to leave. Total no-brainer, right? Husband can go out with his friend and meet us (2 1/2 hours away) the next day. However, I know from experience that this has the potential to derail at least the entire next day and possibly the rest of the trip. I proactively brought this up last night and it seemed to go well until husband said "I told you a week ago that my friend would be in town this week and I wanted to see him." Nope, nope, nope. I did not want to hear justification about anything and so set my expectations: no drinking and driving, don't try and come at night if you're tired, if you come the next morning, I expect you to come in the morning, don't sleep until 1 and then pack, and waste the whole day. His phone must be charged and with him and he must tell me along the way exactly what he's doing - when he leaves the restaurant, when he gets home, when he wakes up and when he leaves to meet us, so I don't sit and wait for him to show up.
Past trip derailments have included:
1. Friend's birthday party on an island only accessible by a ferry. He had a work event that he really wanted to attend the night before. Had to spent the entire Saturday of a weekend trip trying to track him down because we would have to meet him at the ferry when he arrived, and phone reception was spotty. He was hungover and barely made the last ferry. Birthday friend almost killed him.
2. Destination wedding in a fairly remote wooded area. I stayed late at the rehearsal dinner. He took the kids back to the place we were staying. I arrived at the place late and he wasn't there. He didn't bring his wallet to the rehearsal dinner (why? something about it being uncomfortable in his pants), hadn't charged his phone, and didn't have gas in the car. Ended up in another state looking for gas. Barely made it back on fumes, I had to spend the next day coordinating someone getting him a ride to the gas station (the closest one was over 10 miles away) and convincing him to then go get gas and come back, while he insisted that he would do it later and had enough time. He showed up late to the wedding after getting gas. Bride still hates me.
3. Every trip we took while he was in school. He always just had "one quick assignment" to finish that he would just knock out in the car on the way there. This means at least one day of the trip would be spent waiting hours (the longest one clocked in at 7 hours) for him to finish whatever assignment was due.
4. Any time I try to go anywhere without him. He will remember at the last minute that he needs something from the store and wants to run out and grab it before I leave. (He's going to be home with the kids.) One of my friends, even if we're just going out to dinner will even remind me to leave early to give him time to disappear for an hour as soon as I say I'm leaving.
5. Heck, even the last trip we took. I had him pack the night before. Told him that I would meet him at his work so I could leave straight from there. Whoops! Last minute work situation, then he forgot something, didn't eat lunch and needed to stop for food along the way. Ended up at the hotel with the fancy kid's pool 45 minutes before the pool closed. After check-in, kids had about 20 minutes on the waterslides. We were only staying one night on the way to somewhere else.
I don't really need advice about this. We usually take separate trips, but I really want to take family vacations sometimes. I set expectations and don't plan around him so much anymore, but it's still frustrating. I'd like to hear your stories about planning trips and how you cope with someone who forgets that you exist if he can't actually see you.
- ADHD & Affairs - redefining our boundaries by: NeatProduce 1 week 2 days ago
I'm working my way through the book, and am curious to hear what's working for other people. My partner has adhd, ocd and is on the autism spectrum - I am too young to be diagnosed with anything but am really trying to understand what boundaries I can have for myself, the relationship and how to cope
With the stress of the pandemic, and our relationship maturing - I lost my partners hyper-focus in january and his ability to focus on me for sex diminished to the point where he was encouraging me to sleep with his (male) friend. In October, the night before we moved into our first apartment, he slept with our (female) friend and neighbour despite me asking him not to - we are on the kink spectrum, but he lied to us both about it which is a huge violation of our negotiations around this sort of thing. They accidentally slept together once before at a party years ago, and I'm still mortified he'd do this to me again. I've since started working opposite shifts from him and they have a lot of time alone in the evenings, I trust that nothings continuing on however their friendship has elements I will request be changed when I move back to day shift. He continually rejects me for sex, unless we've been hanging out with her, and so I chose to work instead of be faced with that pattern and his rejection. We are working with a therapist, but have to space out appointments for affordability.
target symptoms: distraction and impulsive decision making.
If adhd is the explanation, and distraction is the symptom. How do we maintain a monogamous relationship, without cheating, if there is a high to be had with other people? He's had a chance to rebuild a friendship with her and has admitted to me that she has become his new high, and I am not willing to do a song and dance to compete with her and regain his attention after the affair that happened. He says it would never workout with her and he wants me, but more often than not I feel like he is refusing to manage his adhd symptoms and letting her become his new thing to hyper focus on.
If adhd is the explanation, and possibly fear of failure the symptom - how do we correct the girl next door when she says he like a great dad to her son? Who's job should that be? Cause he might as well be given the timeline of their sexual relationship from years back (he is fixed and cannot be), and those comments serve as a painful reminder to me, I don't always feel it needs to be my job to correct and establish boundaries where he does not however will if it's appropriate to do so. He hyper focuses on people and it's like all boundaries go out the window, one minute they're acquaintances and the next we're sharing old family secrets
If adhd is the explanation, and distraction the symptom - how can we make sure the house gets taken care of before drinking and socializing with the neighbours? I don’t want to feel like a parent or nag him but it bothers me when I arrive home after work (midnight) to him drunk or passed out and the house a mess - we've also been throwing food out because he eats with the neighbours so much
If adhd the explanation, and distraction the symptom, how can I not take it personally that he only seems to try to initiate sex after hanging out with the girl next door?
For myself - If hopelessness is the effect, and fear of failure as well - how can I open myself up again to forming a sexual relationship with him again? It's been so fleeting since the affair, he rejects me constantly, now he wants it again but I'm afraid of my response when he stops trying again after he gets what he wants.
I know some of this will have you thinking he's sleeping with her still, I trust her 120% that it's not that way. There's more to this than I care to type out, these are the questions that have come up as I read the book - presently at step 4. Letting go of the idea that I could control him has helped release the anger I felt at him ignoring my request not to sleep with her.
He and I have rarely seen eye to eye on what healthy boundaries look like with others outside our relationship, particularly when he hyper focuses on them. if it's not this girl, it's his family or his work that he lets into our relationships "house" to take centre stage and I lose all his focus and help with our daily life to whatever it is until they leave or cease to be.
- Clinginess by: kanka 1 week 4 days ago
I'm sorry that this isn't a post strictly about a romantic relationship. It is however a post about one of the closest people to me - my best friend, and you have all been so supportive when I went through a breakup with my ADHD boyfriend and I have found so much solace in this forum that I want to seek some advice.
I experienced this a year ago with my former boyfriend - and now I'm experiencing this with my best friend (hyperactive ADHD). They're basically suffocating me in our relationship in the constant need for us to meet. I love spending time together and it's one of the deepest and most fulfilling friendships I've ever had, but I feel like they have the entire month planned out to the minute and every my attempt to say no is met with their huge nagging to rearrange my other plans - and disappointment. I'm also an introvert who values their alone time, and like my own space. And I'm also a self-diagnosed people pleaser... so hard to say a plain and definitive no.
I remember an illustrative example from my relationship (and I think this is why this kind of behavior now triggers me in other people, because I had so much of it in the past). We went for a day trip with my ex boyfriend, lasting from 7 am to 11 pm, spending together every moment of the day, and at the end of it, when we came back home, it ended up in a big fight that I didn't want to stay up and party through the night. No amount of time seemed to ever be enough for him. This now seems to be the case with my friend. We have holidays planned together in a couple of days and I told them I'm unable to meet up beforehand (I'm newly self-employed so all my business depends on my diligence and keeping up with projects, sometimes I have to work at nights or on the weekend and sacrifice meeting friends those days, I do try to make it up in quality time). They are however very disappointed and not speaking to me because of this. I mean we have almost 3 weeks together planned in a couple of days.
What do I do? It seems like it comes down to fulfilling my own needs versus their needs and I always feel bad about putting mine before theirs because they seem very disappointed in me. I don't want to lose them but I can't feel guilty all the time like I am now!
- ADHD partner says he wants to end the relationship by: paperbackwriter 1 week 5 days ago
Is this common in ADHD relationships? Has it happened to you before and how do you deal it?
We dated for about 2 years before getting married. During periods of high stress, which also means frequent alcohol use, he will say he wants out of the relationship so this is nothing new. He has a tendency to say things he doesn't really mean (ADHD). Usually at some point the next day, usually by the evening, he starts coming back to his usual self. We both hold a high regard for the sacredness of marriage, and both feel that our love and trust for each other is unbreakable. We hold the same views about marriage - it is binding for a reason. You work through your issues, and it's not easy.
Since we've gotten married (coming up on 1 year), there have been a couple stressful periods where he has said he wants a divorce during an angry outburst. He has never truly meant it before... the other day he said it again. This time felt different, he was initially angry but then got sad. I think he took off his wedding ring. He said he has been abusing me and he can't do that to me anymore. He had plans to hang out with a friend last night so I haven't really talked to him. He's been under incredible stress at work, and I feel like he's not thinking properly. The day before he said he wanted a divorce, we talked about how we can get through anything together, and how we as a couple were made for it. Yesterday he mentioned he doesn't feel like anything is real. I really don't want our relationship to end, we have so much love and understanding for each other and have gotten so much better as a couple throughout the years. I'm worried that this time he means it...but it would be so out of character if he does. We have a lot to work on, but I feel like we're just getting started...it's not like we've exhausted options in any way.
- Help and heal broken relationship by: ESZTER 2 weeks 23 hours ago
I am happy to find this webpage. I guess, my story here is a quite typical one. I have been dating a non treated ADD partner for several months (8). During which, we could really connect. We shared a lot of information about ourselves (inner wise): our childhood traumas, info about our parents, current anxieties, etc. It was going well, actually I felt safe and also supported. I could also give that support, although I did not want to jump in a relationship with him and I had talked about it at the begining of our relationship. He seemed to like the fact that we were taking things slow. The last couple of months were a bit tight in our relationship, as I was also going through some anxiety issues and I talked about them. It was tense but I thought it will eventually pass. My grandmother got sick several times back then and she was taken to the hospital. They told me that in order to take care of her, there might be restrictions if I did not get vaccinated (now, in covid times). So I managed to get it, although I knew this might create some problems with my partner, as he was utterly against it. Actually he warned all the people he could to not to take it. I respected his ways, I am not a pro-vaccine person but I took it, because I thought it was the right thing to do. As I mentioned it before, it was a tense period and I was also copying with my own things and these circumstances made me not to offer explanation about my decision to take the vaccine. There was this mayor issue with my granma, but I thought, I just got it and eventually we would talk about it later. Well... we did not. The day I got the vaccine and I told him (wanting to explain), he exploded and told me I abandoned him in his battle. Also that I put my comfort over his and he could not be with someone who does not respect his beliefs. I was so shocked I could not even react. After that, he hang up on me. We see each other several times per week as we trained together (he is my coach), we have a sport club together. First he was hostile, traying to engame me (only by texting) into his rage. After a while he changed and was nice. Now he is playing mind games by being nice (like: do you need help with this or that?) one time and mean, the other. A month went by. I need help to figure out how can I help and mend the relationship. I have incredible patience and I love him. I looked up ADD (he told me he had it under control, although he was not doing therapy while we were together). I have been studying buddhism for quite some time also and developed inner strength. I think I could mend it or improve it, if I had the tools and the knowledge. I am still thinking about telling him the whole granma issue (bc that was what made me take the vaccine and he still does not know this....), but I am not sure if facts can actually help.
Thank you for your help and support!
- ADD wife- communicating w/ husband by: Unicorn44 2 weeks 2 days ago
Grateful for this group, it's given me perspective on how the non-ADHD partner feels. I'm the ADD wife, partner to a non-ADHD (logical, pragmatic,focused). We have amazing chemistry, but I'm now learning that is not enough. My husband and I are very close to getting a divorce at this point. He can't stand to be with someone who can't remember conversations, doesn't know how to be present, and get's defensive when asked to do something I've been told repeatedly before. Does anyone know what effectively works in communicating w/ my spouse? I've tried ADHD coach and stimulants (he hated how emotionally blunt/apathetic I became)...So my questions are also tailored to people with ADD who can effectively communicate- what strategies made that effective? If it's not even possible, I'll get divorced now and save him from having to deal with this, I just need to know... It's not an anger issue for me, I don't get angry. I'm about to start Strattera, hoping that could help with conversations.
Please focus on the communication as other issues are not the deal breaker- we both contribute equally financially, we set aside every week to date each other, & we're equally divided in the chores...none of this changes the fact that I forget details of conversations. I have no doubt that if someone were to fire me questions about my spouse, I would do a very good job of answering them accurately (he agrees to this). Despite agreeing to this, he repeatedly says how he feels like I don't even know him after all these years, feels like we're talking for the first time. It's like the movie 50 First Dates every day.
Thanks for your help, much appreciated
- Loneliness, lack of patience, and little to no intimacy- ADHD Wife by: ceveland 2 weeks 4 days ago
My wife has been diagnosed, within the last year, with ADHD and various disorders associated with ADHD. We will be married 10 years this year and, like many in the book, have had ADHD symptoms and my reactions to these symptoms take a toll on our marriage over the years. Just last night, I expressed my need for more attention from my ADHD spouse. I was met with frustration and her argument that she has "been better lately". I am truly trying to be patient, and I know overcoming this together takes time. But the repeating feelings of loneliness, lack of affection and just not feeling at all wanted by my spouse continues to eat at me. I do not know if I need to do more to cope myself, or if I need to do more for my spouse, but it is as if I see her attention placed to anyone but me. It hurts, it is deteriorating my self esteem and I don't know what I need to do to make it better or to assist the process. What has worked for you? What can I do to help myself and my spouse? Should I just suck it up and be more patient? I find myself lashing out and becoming more angry the more I experience these feelings. Please help!!! I will do whatever it takes.
- Anger and emotional reactivity - untreated partner by: Rebecca Cresswell 3 weeks 1 day ago
I am new to this forum and looking for any advise as I'm alone with all this. I feel quite lonely and have become low in mood and trapped with a load of bottled up frustration, about my relationship. I'm totally confused about the way forward and whether I can even see a future a man who I have sent with fir 16 years . My partner is suspected adhd but this does not rule out comorbid conditions also like oppositional defiant disorder and personality disorders like he mental health assessor once indicated. . He has waited 3 years for a diagnosis for adhd and had a final video assessment around 2 months ago. still nothing back from the assessment centre. He is 56 and I am 41, 15 years ago I met him. He seemed chilled out some days but others terribly irritable and had intensely negative feelings if he was triggered he was volatile. I had no clue to begin with why this was. I find 16 years in, I am becoming resentful and low most days as I simply can't cope with his negative outbursts to anything that sets him off, the cycle of obsessive ideas and complaints and being overlooked has become too much in the last few months . My partner is a strange mix, he is extremely clingy and hates being alone with his own thoughts but he can be kind, sensitive , genius and the Byers tiny bit Intensely codependent on me too . He wants to be with me ALL the time and resents I have to work full time and currently am choosing to work overtime. I usually keep quiet and bite my lip when he rants but he just seems so down on life which is exhausting and notices the negative people in life . He always states it's the way I am and you just have to deal with it! He usually has bad road rage or vents a lot to the TV holds my ranting conversations at night? . Not to the extent he would get out the car and hit someone with Rd rage, just really bad language at absolutely anyone that's slow or makes the wrong move etc. He is hugely impatient towards anyone especially me. So I am always slightly anxious about doing things quick enough. I am recognised how I'm loosing me and just trying to curb myself so he's not irritated most of the time!
6 months ago he stopped using cannabis I was proud of him for doing this but in the back of my mind I knew all hell would break loose as selfishly weed seemed to calm his mind and dampen his anger towards things he spotted that triggered him like people's bad driving, people getting in his way , moving to slow, me doing saying the wrong thing and his dreadful impatience . His symptoms of hyper focus, reactivity, moodiness , no sleep and constant spiralling ideas and complaining at everything and anything take it's toll on me. My partner can't hold down a job because of his reactions and outbursts to Management in places of work. I'm the earner and am working too hard and doing over time every weekend now to compensate but to top it off this makes him feel like he can't be a provider and not a man. He's not interested in sex without the weed anymore he says he's depressed so it's an unspoken taboo . I nolonger feel like making love to someone that seems to me so irritable, it saps my energy. To top it off he looks at porn ALOT bordering on obsessional I believe? So I feel even more like there is a lack of connection . I tried to speak about this subject recently and ask him if the there was anything we could do to change things? He just became annoyed and stated because I worked a half day on a Saturday there was no longer time to think about sex and I was always too tired in the week so he had to except this.
The reality is at times at the weekend when I do try to initiate romance he's not into it live making at the weekend he is nolonger driven . He stops up until 3am every night doing whatever and then sleeps in till 12pm or 1 pm everyday of the week. He says there is no reason for him to get up at the weekend as I work till mid day so he then blames his lack of motivation to me because I'm working?? . Everything always rests on my shoulders never his which is why I now feel very hurt and extremely indifferent about him. He does have money and an inheritance so he is looking to set a business up but he keeps going from one idea to the next and never settles at anything?? He can be ve our outs to an extent although does not wish to spend his inheritance on bills really. So therefore I'm working more so that I have a safety net for me!
I I'm so tired emotionally . I just want to leave in one sense but he's in another when he's calm and upbeat around 20% of the week (if I'm lucky) he's the man I love again. I really don't know away forward I can't cope with his awful irritability and obsessiveness and problems trigger him greatly and we just end up rowing as he feels personally attacked. Then I retreat to being with my own thoughts for weeks biting my lip and my lowness has turned to depression?
as mentioned my partner has never received any treatment since a little boy. Can anyway advise f there may be hope for us with treatment? I am drained and feel empty .