Recent Topics

  • by: dedelight4 - 3 hours 58 min ago

    Question here.  I've noticed a few common themes with those of us who were or are in long term marriages with a person with ADHD. (Especially when it hasn't been controlled) 

       Do the ADHD symptoms worsten with age, (as it seems to) or is it maybe a lack of not wanting to change (denial)  with worsening blaming going on? Are there any statistics or information on older people with ADHD?  Plus, after a lifetime of failures and chaos,  how can they keep denying the fact that their lives have always been in some sort of chaos? Is the denial THAT great, even in the "golden years"? No self reflection?

  • by: AAC - 9 hours 37 min ago

    We are going through a very difficult time in our marriage. 

    My husband is constantly angry and it feels like I can never do anything right  

    He  is constantly on edge and ready to lose his temper at the drop of a hat. He is snappy, rude, irritable, and sometimes mean.  It's rare for Him to cook a meal calmly without snapping. He says he enjoys cooking, but he is so wound up when he is cooking and snaps at anyone who happens to say something or cross his path. 

    He also doesn't take care of our 16 month old daughter as much as I would like and leaves me to do %95 of the childcare. Even if I'm working and he is home looking after her, I get her up, feed her, dress her, come home at lunch and feed her and then get her ready for bed in the evening. One day he didn't change her diaper the whole day and another he didn't give her any food (only what j had given her at lunch).  If I bring up any concerns, he gets angry and nasty with me.  I recently put her in daycare so I know she is well cared for while I am at work. That is expensive with only one income coming in. We moved to a new town three months ago for my job. He wanted us to take the opportunity and promised he would get a job. It's been three months and he has only applied to two jobs. He constantly tells me he is so busy with this or that, and doesn't have time for job applications. He also can't find time to tidy the house after himself either as it is always a mess, unless I clean it. 

    I'm the sole income earner, I do 80% of household chores and about 90% of childcare while I work a full time job. 

    That said, he applied for a government job which goes through an intensive screening process. He flew away this weekend to complete a psychological evaluation that involves a 6 hour day of testing. He stayed up Friday night drinking alone, flew out on Saturday and got really drunk again and again got drunk last night. The assessment was this morning. He went into a psych assessment hung over after three days of drinking. And I learn that he was also late for that appointment. 

    He is so unreliable.  

    How could someone with any sense of responsibility get drunk the night before a psych evaluation??? 

    I feel I can not rely on him for anything. I feel he lets me down when it matters most. Now with this job, after he birth of our baby when I needed him to step up and be strong for me when I was weak. He disappeared. I know he has mental health concerns and I've been there for him. When I need him to be there for me, he is no where to be found. He disappears inside his own head. His issues are always bigger than mine, even when I just had a baby and likely went through post partum depression. That was our worst time as a couple and It should have been our happiest. 

    He isn't reliable. I can't trust that when he says he will do something that it will get done. Whether it's bringing boxes out to the trash, helping to care for our newborn baby when I had a lot to recover from, or staying sober the night before a psych evaluation that will determine if he moves on in the selection process for this job. 

    I feel completely trapped and lonely.  I tell him how I feel and he says he'll do better and the next week, we have the same conversation. 

     

  • by: Melissa57 - 3 days 31 min ago

    Hi.  I am new to the group. Married for 15 years 3 children together for 20.  All these years I thought my husband was being an a@@hole.  I finally asked him for a separation because I felt I was crazy.  Mostly because that what he told me.  Finally went to a therapist on my own and he followed suite.  Discovered he has ADD. I thought I can do this but do not think I can. This is all too much.  I feel like he got in an accident and is now a different person.  I find myself even getting angry at my therapist for telling me this is not his fault and I have to give him less responsibility.  I know it's a real problem but I'm not sure I can deal with this.  I applause all who do.  I am new to finding out this diagnosis and just here to see how other people deal with this situation. Prayers to all. 

  • by: c ur self - 4 days 13 hours ago

    What happen's when we find ourselves in relationships that aren't pleasing to us? I found something a few years ago that brought light to my pain. It was something that turned my focus inward, and upward...It was something that saved me from Blame, Anger and Frustration (except the  days and nights I fall prey to my own carnal thinking, and find myself backsliding into being a victim again)....Because it told me "WHY" I was suffering...And; as hard as it was (and is) for me to admit my brokenness in this area...I eventually realized this was the foolish road I was own...

    My circumstances weren't producing my inner struggles; it was my thinking (my Illusions, my dreams, my self destruction) about the circumstances that was destroying my ability to experience true peace and life....I ran across a summary of this material and it describes me plight to a tee...So I am going to share it here, just in case it can be a beneficial resource for some of you who may can identify w/ it also...

    Blessings

    C

    Every created entity comes into being when the Spirit of life quickens (enlivens) it into existence. Living life, however, is not a one time fix. God does not bestow life upon man and then walk away to see what man will do with his new found existence.

     

    Since only God is life (John 5:26), creation has to experience God continually to continue to experience life. Remove the Spirit of life from the body that is experiencing life and the body soon decays into the nothingness of its original dust. Since the Son of God is “the true Light, which lights every man that comes into the world” (John 1:9), every man experiences life because he is lighted continually or experiences God continually (Col. 1:26).

    The problem is not that man does not experience God, for to live is to experience God. The problem is man does not know, or worse, refuses to honor God for his life. The ignorant man living in foolish illusions state that God is not the measure and the life of all things. The foolish man proclaims that he, himself, is.Although all men continually experience and live their life according to the outworking of the will of God, man often finds himself in opposition to that will in the world of his imagination. The will of God is still being done, for no man can change the sovereignty of God (Rom. 9:19,20), but in the mind of man, the make believe world of his fantasies, he believes he controls his own life. God still produces the life from heaven, but because man is in his mind he experiences the hells of his own created world–his imaginations.

    Man begins his journey to this chamber of death and hell with the illusion that he can (by the power of his choice) decide what is good and what is evil. He believes he can control the times and the seasons of life. The first illusion of man is always the belief that he can make life happen himself.

    The consequences of this illusion produce the reality that although he is in control of his life there is something missing. No matter what he chooses to do, for some reason the sense of fulfillment or completeness does not occur. He begins to live by playing roles, hiding the real self of what he has become, and readily blaming others for his misery.

    The consequences of this first illusion should be sufficient to cause him to cry out to God for his salvation. The pain and the agony of no meaningful, lasting relationships should bring him back to God. But, it does not. For there is something within man that refuses to give up the control he perceives he has.He knows something is wrong, but to fix the fault of the first illusion, he creates a second illusion. He begins to believe that he can take the things of God (although he gives no credit to God for them) and by his choices and efforts make the good life occur. He believes that he can mix the grace of God (which produces all things in the world) and the laws of man (the attempt to do as he thinks he should) and produce or force the issues that should exist between people.

    He craves meaningful relationships, as he understands them, and he attempts to make them happen. He will now live in the illusion that he can force relationships to occur. He will either create a false world of illusions about himself, to make himself something he is not. Or, selfishly scheme interactions with others to get what he thinks he needs. The end result is the same: corrupted, dysfunctional relationships.

    The consequences of this second illusion should be sufficient to cause him to cry out to God for his salvation. The hells of his life should bring him back to God. But, it does not. For there is something within man that refuses to give up the control that he perceives he has.He knows something is wrong, but to the fix the fault of the second illusion he creates a third illusion. Unable to experience the ultimate life of meaningful relationships, and finding himself in the misery of everyday life, he turns to the world of make believe. The imaginations, the dreams, and the fantasies he creates in his own mind become the means by which he attempts to experience life. So much so that he now finds himself controlled by a world that his own mind has created. Trying desperately to experience life in those dreams, he becomes in bondage to those same dreams.

    Living in this world of being controlled by the endless, hopeless fulfilling of man’s own fantasies will eventually bring him to such corruption and violence that God has to step in to destroy that world. God will eventually, after much long-suffering, bring everyone to the end of themselves. Once the individual is being destroyed by the world he thought he could control, his cry finally rises to God in agony, “Lord, save me, I am perishing.”We all need to be saved from our own thinking.

    For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ (2 Cor. 10:3-5).

    The simple hearing of Jesus (literal meaning of obedience) as opposed to hearing the words of our own imaginations is the only salvation of our souls. Hearing Jesus is the path to the contented life of the Spirit of life that dwells within us.

    author Dr. James Stone

  • by: Soulsabostone - 1 week 9 hours ago

    Hi! My name is Jessica and I e been married to my ADHD husband for over three years now. He was diagnosed at a young age, and I, too, was diagnosed with ADHD as well as Aspergers. I've been reading "the ADHD effect on marriage" and it feels like the book was written about us. I was wondering though if anyone else here, particularly non-ADHD spouses, has been diagnosed with Aspergers? I feel like having Aspergers magnifies some of these symptoms times ten. I misunderstand a LOT; I take many things just as they are said to me; very literally. This usually ends up in heated arguments with my husband who is very sarcastic and is always "just kidding." I thrive on structure and organization- something truly lacking on his end due to the ADHD symptoms. He use to take medication when he was little and didn't like the side-effects and so refuses to take meds now. I'm not sure how committed he is to behavior change; right now he doesn't feel like working on the marriage. I'm heartbroken and am not sure what to do except pray, read my books, go to counseling, and make every effort to change my responses and general behavior to his ADHD symptoms. He goes to counseling with me and is very open there, but seems to just leave the discussion with the counselor (I see little to no effort back home in between appointments). Does anyone else out there have Aspergers? How does it affect your marriage? What are your coping strategies? I could really use some encouragement right now! Thanks in advance. ~Jessica

  • by: jennalemone - 1 week 15 hours ago

    One of the best feelings in the world is knowing your presence and absence both mean something to someone.

    So, given that, it seems H has from the beginning not noticed or cared about my presence or absence, even that my absence is preferable to H, doesn't that mean that I should go? I feel like I have been ignored for over 40 years.  That has done a number on my ego and confidence.

    Given that I have come lately to defensively ignore H and have a difficult time having him near, doesn't that mean that I should go?

    It doesn't MEAN anything other than that is the way it is between us.  What keeps us together?  Economics. Lack of options. Fear of change. Lack of fortitude and physical energy. The habit of being stuck. The habit of bashing what I fear rather than the habit of promoting what I love.

     Today is all about promoting what I love.  I love music, art, warm breezes, color, sky, nature, good friends, children, grandchildren, my business, home, neighbors, good food and drink with friends, good movies, the dog.

    That is where I am today. Thanks for bearing witness to my ramblings.

     

  • by: BS - 1 week 5 days ago

    Hello.

    I havent been on in a couple weeks, Ive been to let everyone to know that since Ive been to the doc a few weeks ago. Things have been better. Ive made some changes for the better and have been feeling a lot better. Ive been keeping to a schedule. Keeping track of things. Treating my wife a whole lot better than I ever have. Ive been complimenting her way more than ever. Just everything seems good in general. Then to now. She doesnt know why Ive become happy all of a sudden and doesnt care. And she wants me to stop because she doesnt believe any of it and its making her mad actually.   Im stuck and I dont know what to do.

  • by: Jtim24 - 1 week 6 days ago

    He's fighting me tooth and nail. From begging to attacking to generally being obtuse. I've tried explaining several different ways about why he needs to move out. I can no longer take the financial hits, the passive-aggressive attacks, the piles of dirty laundry, cleaning up after his plethora of pets, the trash left everywhere but in the trash can... after six years, I just can't anymore... I've told him if he gets his own place, keeps up with it all, lives within his means, and starts counseling (and between him and his doctor, if medication is recommended, he should), that I'd be willing to consider dating him again and go from there, but he keeps pushing and pushing saying he doesn't understand... how do I explain this to the ADHD brain???

  • by: MrsADD - 1 week 6 days ago

    I struggle. I for sure know I do not want to be married to my H. Maybe I am just not the right type of person to deal with all this?

    He has multiple things going on with himself. This makess it hard to target why and what the cause is of each scenario I encounter. His parents split when he was 3. His Dad and he are much the same very self-focused and "in their own world" as his ex-wife describes his dad. His mother is a pill popper and anxiety nut job (won't leave house except to go shopping at a clothing store) she literally worries about everything and creates drama constantly. He does not have a good or loving relationship with his parent's even though he states he loves them tremendously he never wants to talk or interact with them, and when he does it is as if they are arguing to the point where kids and I retreat to bedroom b/c it is too loud. Then there is the second problem. My H had a serious accident at 21 and broke his neck. He is an incomplete quad. He was paralyzed for about 6 months from neck down then slowly regained feeling in his body and now is fully functioning (with exception of some sensory and spasms). When I met him he was at peak of his recovery and able to do anything I can do. Now he can do it but with much more pain and falling a lot. He no longer seeks to ski or hike as we used to do. He is a fishing guide and does ice fishing in winter and open water in summer. He also does construction. Both of these businesses he owns and always has some form of drama occurring due to his unorganization in which he promptly blames on everyone else. Anyhow he chooses to do physical activity that clearly makes him hurt horribly daily, which makes him not move when he gets home and very grumpy. I have asked that he go find a different job or figure out a way to reduce his physical strain but he refuses. Ego is a big part of this b/c of the injury. Due to this near death experience he views everything even situations when he should be concerned as "It's all good" he also smokes pot constantly to deal with the pain. Because if he takes pain pills he becomes a pill popper like his mother and I have to call the Dr. and tell them he is abusing the drugs.  Then there is the ADHD. Which I did not know I was marrying. I just thought he was kind of a mess and tried to help him all the time. The other two I did know and accepted. The ADHD has been the icing on the cake since having kids with him. The outbursts, the anger the impulsivity the lack of financial management, the complete hyperfocus on social media and his computer or phone and fishing blogs, the messiness and piles of unopened mail or papers everywhere...I have nagged him the last 4 years because I could not figure out what the hell his problem was then I finally put all the pieces together last year. His mother saying he is like his dad "in his own world" the social weirdness of saying horrible things or immediately having to leave suddenly in a social situation, the lack of organization in any situation, the decision to scan pictures at 3am when we are supposed to be packing the car for our vacation to leave to the airport? WTF? The fact he told me he was horrible in school and diagnosed with "myopia" and tunnel vision" by the doctor b/c he could only focus on what he wanted to focus on.  Anyhow. I have become a very depressed and tired person. I have a 2 and 4 year old that I am pretty much raising myself. He is a loving, playful, and affectionate dad but outside of that he can barely care for himself. I never know what dysfunction I am dealing with on a daily basis.

    Last night I got all the crafts to prep valentines with the girls because they were so excited. I work full time. We went to the store after daycare and work. I came home to my H sitting on his computer as usual. He had guided that day and was done by 4pm we got home at 6pm. Dishes piled high in the sink. I haul all stuff into the house and set on floor. He walks past all grocery bags complaining about how tired and sore he is. His back has been hurting him for many weeks now and all he has to do is go see a chiropractor but cannot organize himself to schedule an appointment. I begin to get dinner ready my 4 year old whining that she wants to make valentines right now! He stands there complaining about his issues. I ask him nicely "do you think you could help me get dinner ready?" He gives out a big sigh and says what do I need to do? I said can you cook the rice in the bag? He says "I don't know how" I told him you read the directions that is how I cook it." He gets exasperated and says "what other thing can I do" then starts taking dishes out of dishwasher while sighing and moaning in pain. He says " I am in too much pain" I said fine I will do it just go sit down and play with the kids. I can never ask for help without getting some excuse from you." Then he proceeds to yell at me, call me a bitch tell me fuck you and that I have no empathy for his physical problems. I tell him it is not the physical I have issues with it is the mental ones. So then of course he accuses me of being verbally abusive.  He is incapable of doing anything that he does not want to do even if it is helping me! The he states he would jump off a cliff for me blah blah. 

    I ask you ADHD community which issue am I dealing with on any given day? I am exhausted?  Did I mention he forgot to buy the valentines he insisted on getting the girls! One more thing I will take care of today! I am not in love with this person. I love him as the father of my children but that is it. I cannot take it anymore!

  • by: jade21 - 2 weeks 13 hours ago

    I've been with my husband 17 years.  I feel like it's always been some issue or another.  I feel like I am the only responsible one.  I feel like he can't be trusted with anything significant.  I feel alone.  I feel he has little empathy for what he does to me.  I feel like he has put me through hell and I hate who I am now.  I am an angry, resentful, paranoid person because of his behavior.  This weekend, I found out yet again, he was allowing porn to creep into his life.  He has a sponsor and goes to SAA.  I knew he was starting to look at things again and gave him the opportunity to tell me first.  He didn't.  He knew that was the rule.  I will allow mistakes, but not dishonesty.  I told him my fragile emotions can not withstand that anymore.  He kept looking and I found more.  He didn't try to stop.  He only tries to stop when I find out.  It's the same story, it's my fault and I will stop.  "I should have done more to avoid looking at it again." " I should have told you."  It's the same song and dance.  He has tried and it is less.  He has made progress.  I'll give him that.  However, I can't do this anymore.  How many times more will there be?  How many times will he hide it from me rather than be honest?  How many more times will I hear empty promises?  I'm an empty shell of a person now, because of all the stress.  This isn't fair to me.  I don't think he understands how unfair and what all of this does to me.  I don't think he fully understands what porn has done to him and our relationship.  We are never intimate.  When we are, it's all about him.  I don't know what to think and feel anymore.  I feel like I'm done letting my son see his father ignore me.  I just want to live in peace.  I think I'm realizing he will ever be the husband I need him to be.  I feel alone.  No one understands what this addiction does to me.  My friends think I'm just being too controlling.  All men look at porn.  Ya, would all men choose porn over their marriage?  My hurt runs so deep and no one seems to understand me.  That's the worst part.

Pages