Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Distracted and taking it personally by: Mizeeyore 2 days 11 hours ago

    I really just want to know to not take it personally when he's distracted, even during sex. Claims to be having the best sex of his life with me, but then he is staring at the lyrics on the tv screen.  And this is not the first time.  And he admitted doing it. How is this not supposed to just break my heart? And then when I try to stuff my heartbreak, and he has an RSD episode the very next morning, and blows up at me for asking a question, I'm supposed to stuff that too.  Well, the argument that ensues ends with me apologizing as usual for not understanding that these things are just ADHD, I shouldn't take it personally.  After all, he says he's trying, and it hurts him to be told this hurts me, and he says he feels rejected.  ADHD, the gift that just keeps on giving.  How is this not  gaslighting?  How is this not victim blaming?  Will someone please help me understand how this resembles love?

  • Am I Being Gaslighted? by: Luna_91 3 days 11 hours ago

    I (non-ADHD) went on a 2-week vacation with my ADHD partner. It was highly stressful at times, because he was rushing through the packing and planning, and scheduling multiple stops in a day without considering rest time, time to eat, time to just not do anything at all and relax. 

    I was irritable at times, because I would get tired or overwhelmed by the time constraints vs. all that we planned. There were a lot of highlights and positive things about our trip. But when we came home, he blamed me for being too angry, stressed, and uncomfortable the entire time. He did not see anything positive in our trip, and we seem to have completely different perspectives on how the trip actually went. I am feeling a bit out of my mind, and depressed about it. That, after all that stress and tolerating his own feelings of overwhelm and depression, I still thought there were some great moments. And yet, none of that was satisfying for him, or meant anything. 

    It seems he is ruminating intensely on all that went wrong, and I feel accused of being a major disappointment. It's really starting to bring me down and making me feel like I am a complete unenjoyable, impossible travel partner. While I've said why I was stressed at different times (I got a brief episode of stomach flu, and got injured while camping), nothing has changed his attitude or opinion about this apparently miserable trip for him. 

    I don't know what to do anymore. 

  • Solutions and Feedback on the Couples' Seminar? by: MATTHD 1 week 2 days ago

    Hi everyone- 

    my original post is here:

    https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/desperate-divorce#comment-58424

     

    My wife wants a divorce. As I pull away my attention, she's starting to come around and consider couples therapy, calling me more, etc. She doesn't understand her part in the relationship; especially in regards to the ADHD symptoms, so for now, I just take full responsibility. I don't like the "game" aspect of this relationship, but I am hopeful that Melissa's workshop could put a dent in our issues moving forward (if we decide to reconcile). Keep in mind my wife is the one who's pushing for the divorce and served me with papers already. I have very little leverage, but at the same time, love her and think that there may be hope after being separated for some time and reading a lot of literature (including Melissa's book). 

    - I'm wondering if anyone has had experience with Melissa's online seminar? 

    - suggestions about how to get someone with ADHD to read ANYTHING, nevermind Melissa's entire book? (or "driven to distraction", etc)

    - suggestions about how to somehow phrase that the seminar might be helpful without making my wife feel like there's something "wrong" with her or that I'm trying to change her. 

     

    I'm putting an attorney on retainer next week, so it's probably over anyway...

     

    Thanks,

    Matt

  • Ghosted by Adhd & RSD partner by: goldenchild321 1 week 2 days ago

    My Ex partner has ADHD & RSD.  We dated for over a year and a half and faced many of the challenges that ADHD can present in a relationship.  I at first would be frustrated but over time and throughout our challenges would try and learn as much as I could.  I've read a few books, joined a couple of forums, and really just tried to educate myself.  I am someone who commits wholeheartedly and has learned how to be extremely patient and supportive.  Recently my ex-partner attended an event that I had and it was an opportunity for her to meet a few of my friends and family.  She had a stressful day but made it to my event and ended up leaving after 30 minutes.  She didn't say anything to me - just literally disappeared.   She was talking with someone and got emotional regarding her situation and shed a couple of tears.  It wasn't anything that was noticed or anything to be ashamed of because everyone there emotionally is a compassionate good-hearted person.  Once I noticed that she had left I called and text and her response was rather alarming.  It was as if she felt like she was the victim of something.  I later came to realize that it may have been her RSD.  I've texted her supportive things multiple times, sent flowers, and have never heard anything from her.  It's been three weeks!  I recently ran into one of her friends and she said - I think she is done at your event she felt attacked and felt that I didn't defend her or apologize to her.  

    I wasn't aware of any feeling she may have had.  I can only gather that her RSD may have kicked in but don't understand anything.  I'm not upset that she left, I just wish we had a plan for the evening and talked about any social anxiety.  The only thing that's hard for me to grasp is that I've consistently shown up in her life as someone who loves her and supports her.  There are various items, pictures, gifts, little things in her place that are representative of the love I've given her.  Does that not trigger a reminder that this person has my back.  I'm also alarmed because she could very well tell her friends how she feels or perceive things and they are advising her on something that's not actually the truth.    

    We have been making so much progress but this has me at a complete loss.  She isn't currently seeing a therapist but I know she planned to soon.  

  • Feelings of guilt for former behaviours and actions when starting medication? by: Free 1 week 3 days ago

    I think I read somewhere that it is common for kids and adults who have been untreated to feel a lot of guilt in the beginning of medication treatment. Guilt for behaviours and actions done before treatment because of a lack of ability to see consequenses and perspectivetaking etc. Is this common? 

  • My ADHD husband will not talk to family on the phone when I'm around...help!? by: Lori D. 1 week 4 days ago

    I just don't know what to do anymore.  My husband was diagnosed with ADHD July 2021, and began medication.  We've been married/together for 20 years and this has always been an issue for me.  My husband never talks to his family when I'm around.  He intentionally ignores their calls, or waits until he leaves the house to call damn near everyone in his immediate family.  I've brought this up to him and how it bothers me that we've been together all this time and he still can't seem to call or receive a call from any of them near me.  He claims it's because he doesn't want to interfere with our time together.  Yet when he wants to go visit them (they live a few states away) he wants me to go with him to help him with any anxiety he has about traveling.  When I express my concerns, he claims he's going to start taking/receiving calls to help bridge some of the gap between his family and myself.  Great, I'm all for it.  But, it never happens.  He continues the same behavior.

    This just happened last week.  His sister called at 10:30pm and he ignored her call and texted her a lie that he was in bed.  He was sitting in his recliner.  I told him, she called at 10:30pm, she knows your home and she knows your with me, how is it not a problem for her to talk to you when I'm around, but you can't talk with her?  This is not the first time.  Of course he gets defensive because my approach to the subject wasn't the right one.  I'm so used to the defense at this point, I call him on it immediately which usually calms him a little.  Not this time.  For whatever reason, he continues to defend his actions.  He again says "I'm going to do it, but you don't allow that to happen".  So, OK.  I wait and sure enough, he leaves the house a few days later and immediately calls his sister.  After he comes home, he tells me a story about how he was talking to his sister and something she said stuck with him.  Of course, I ask the dreaded question..."when did you talk to her?"  He immediately hesitates to answer, I'm assuming it was my approach again.  Nope, this time he yells at me that I never give him any opportunity to prove himself, and how he wishes I trusted him and his word.  When I tell him that I would love to believe and trust him, but his actions and his words don't always match and it causes me to question things.  Immediately, he's angry and the argument begins to spiral out of control.  I'm still trying to respond calmly, but at this point, he's pushing every button I have to get a rise out of me.  I usually fall for this at least once in every argument.  I fell for it...again.  The entire time I was speaking, his lips were moving and I could hear him, but I had enough at that point, he wasn't listening anymore.  I yelled at him to just shut up already.  He took this as a threat and a reason to jump out of his chair, push me out of the way and claim he now has to leave.  He threatens to leave me often, another ADHD topic for another thread.

    I understand and empathize with the fear and trepidation experienced if parts of his life cross over into other parts.  He doesn't just do it with me and his family.  He seems to compartmentalize his entire life.  He has interests that I know about and ask him about or show interest in, but he continues to research or watch videos on that topic while sitting right beside me and never say a word to me about it.  Now, don't get me wrong, I don't expect him to tell me everything, but if we're sitting there together in the evening and you're looking at something interesting, why wouldn't you want to share it with the one person you chose to spend the rest of your life with?  It's not like they are sensitive subjects, it's usually video games or reaction videos.  

    I feel like I'm only married to parts of him and that makes me feel like he's hiding/lying something or he tells them a completely different story of his life with me and doesn't want me to hear it.  It makes me feel like they don't like me, which he denies, but I fully believe based on both past encounters and some things my husband has let slip. 

    Does anyone have any experience with their spouse compartmentalizing their life?  I'm at a loss and don't know how to deal with this issue.  

  • And of course she forgot... by: bowlofpetunias 2 weeks 1 day ago

    My wife was supposed to have her first meeting with a therapist who specializes in ADHD.  During out couples session, however, she said that she had to reschedule it because she forgot to do the paperwork!

    There was also a lot of stress last night while I was trying to work on an important (potential life saving) project.  The 12 year old kept interrupting me as I was responding to edits suggested by an attorney.  Part of their complaint was that my wife kept failing to take them to a thrift store as promised.  My wife justified this by saying she has so much to do and can't be expected to remember everything, so she made these promises and then had to reschedule repeatedly because she forgot about other commitments.  The 12 year old said that Mom keeps lying to them about this.  I told my wife that she needs to think carefully about whether or not she can do something before she promises to do it.  She became really upset later because our 18 year old had also said he can't trust her because of all the broken promises (such as repeated promises of trips to Disney.) 

    This why treating her ADHD is so important.  She doesn't want the kids to distrust her, but she has yet to work on building that trust by making only promises she can keeo.

  • A New Marriage Reckoning by: Shaky1 2 weeks 3 days ago

    I’m so grateful for finding this community. I’ve been questioning my sanity and reading these posts made me feel so much better, yet so deeply saddened. I’ve only been married to my beloved for a few months but in that blink of time my world turned upside down leaving my head spinning, chronic chest pain, and overwhelmed with anxiety. The thing is my husband is a good person with no clue that his symptoms wreak havoc on everyone he encounters. He laughs off comments from others, claiming he’s just “quirky and crazy but that’s just me and I should be accepted for who I am.” Yeah, okay. But try giving your whole heart and soul to a man that leaves you feeling duped, lonely, exhausted, and crushed. I am (was) an extremely bubbly, happy, easy-going gal that can roll with change, accept, and get along with all kinds of people. I have a reputation for being a calming influence on people. Until this. Pardon me for saying, what the hell? I don’t recognize myself anymore. I get SO frustrated I sometimes get into a state I have to shut down to regroup. He made the comment I’m “controlling”. Well he can’t leave the house without forgetting something and then has to call me over and over to remember what he’s supposed to do. So I make him a list and I’m controlling? He constantly interrupts, talks incessantly, taking any conversation off into eleventy (yes, I made that number up) different directions, without ever addressing the actual issue, and yet I’m the one with the problem. “Why can’t you just let these little things go?” He has flat out lied to me and does so often, yet I don’t think he knows he’s doing it, his perception is so skewed and memory so poor. He is the king of B.S.’ing and trying to contain my eyeroll as he goes off is torture. I’ve tried talking to him about it. You all know how that went. So once I figured out what this is, started reading about ADHD and realizing this is our reality, grief came crashing down on me and I can’t shake it. I need to turn my thinking around and get my positive attitude back. I am a (smart!) middle-aged woman that is actually an idiot that got herself in WAY over her head. After an abusive 1st husband I stayed single for over 10 years so feel like I made this choice and have to deal with it. But I'm mourning the expectations I held of our relationship. He has moments of such sweetness and I do love him dearly. He noticed that I’m not myself and asks what is wrong but can’t pay attention if I try to answer. I’m lost and feel like I will not survive this.

  • Does anyone have experience with medication affecting empathy and other feelings? by: Free 2 weeks 3 days ago

    I am new in here. So I'm sorry if this has been discussed a lot before. I am curious to hear if anyone has any experience with medication and if it effects empathy? My husband lacks affective empathy and perspective taking. It has lead to a lot of pain and hurt feelings. He has this need to be completely honest and open. And will say "it's just who I am". He's not purposfully mean, but it does lead to deeply hurt feelings when he needs to express what his thoughts and feelings are and they are often very negative towards me. Or he even expresses how he feels about other women etc. He gets frustrated and sad when I feel hurt, and he is confused and doesn't know what to do because "it's who I am, and I don't know how I can do things differently while at the same time being authentic". He also struggles a lot with getting in touch with his emotions and will often just say he doesn't know what and how he feels. Most of his feelings are negative. Like frustration, irritation, resentment etc. He seems to almost never feel happiness or love etc. He is untreated, but is being diagnosed. So my question is: Do you as a partner or someone with ADHD yourself have any experience with increase in empathy, getting in touch with feelings and/or feeling more positive feelings like love and happiness when finally medicated?  

  • Flabergasted by: nonadhdhub 2 weeks 5 days ago

    non-ADHD guy married to ADHD gal. 2 kids. married for 10+ years...

    I never really understood what ADD/ADHD was other than an elementary-school kid acting wildly in class. After seeing a few random posts one day on social media recently and doing some quick research, I found the recommendation for Melissa Orlov's book. Read the first one, and for the first time in years, cried over the course of multiple days after realizing what we've been going through.

    My wife has been diagnosed and when she told me a couple years ago I just brushed it off as it being depression. But after reading the book and reviewing other research materials, no doubt in my mind that she does have ADHD. She's been off/on medications since she was diagnosed. Hasn't pursued any other treatment.

    All of the attributable symptoms of ADHD from my wife and their byproducts passed in to me by way of anger/doubt/frustration are present. Compound that with years of me not really understanding what this is and I just find myself not really understanding what to do long term. Part of me wants to figure this out. There's gotta be a way, right? But looking through these forums and all of the other resources makes me wonder if it's even worth the trouble? I've tried so hard, felt like I've done everything, beyond my fair share. And now I have to do even more? Try more? "Do things differently". When I fail, I'm a failure. When she fails, no worries, that's expected? Not sure I have much left to give.

    Love my kids so much and the main reason why its taken everything in me not to have left up to this point. But does it make more sense for the sake of my kids to leave? Would leaving mean I love them more, to try and show them examples of how to live and treat other people? But then if I do leave, I leave them at times with the person who maintains a house of squalor and dysfunction.

    I know that I have to figure out for myself and I know nothing I'm saying here is really anything new to ADHD or non-ADHD alike. Outside of therapists I don't really feel like anyone else would understand what I'm going through other than posting on here. So, just using this as an outlet to vent.

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