Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • I’m not supportive of ADHD husband ??? by: Elleleen45 52 min 46 sec ago

    Hi

    I have read and relate to so many of the forum questions and responses on this site. I have been married to my ADHD husband for 22 years. 

    One "battle" that year after year, that never gets resolved (nor can we see an agreement) is with support vrs getting own way.
    When my husband wants to run with one of his latest ideas and I don't express any enthusiasm, but rather  say no that is not something I'm willing to (for example  ) put all our money into, or I don't have the time to help you figure that out etc. He gets so defensive, and with a sudden mood change tells me I never support him in anything, that I just want to aruge and tell home what he can't do all the time and I'm negative etc. I'm really a very patient calm person. I don't deserve this when I'm just bringing the reality of the "idea " into the conversation. Then the second part is I would like to be able to communicate my thoughts without fear he will lash out in the anger outburst side of adhd. 
    anyone have similar situations? Advice??

  • She FINALLY completed the evaluation paperwork! by: bowlofpetunias 16 hours 3 min ago

    My wife had her first meeting with a real adult ADHD expert (a local CHADD leader) on September 3.  I completed the questionaires she gave me an sent them in by September 17 (my wife did not forward them to we for several days after she received them).

    My wife finally completed her answers on Monday, October 19.  I scanned them at work the next day and sent them in.

    It took lots of reminders on my part.  I even contacted the expert and she sent a followup to my wife about completing the forms. 

  • I think husband has addiction to Adderall and Vyvance by: ADDCaliwife 1 week 6 hours ago

    Hi, I'm so sad and desperate for help and found this forum. I've been with my husband for 6 years, married for 2. We had a great relationship (while not perfect but had normal minor fights that were typical of any couple) up until the summer of 2019 where he began to change. He began taking Vyvance (30mg) and then added Adderall (40mg) because the Vyvance would wear out too quickly. 
    my husband began getting really mad at me for really minor things. He started picking on me and decided that he was unhappy with me for a number of issues. One big thing was that we have different senses of humor. I don't always get his jokes. But it's MY problem because he believes he is hilarious and all of his friends think so. I would try to explain, if I don't get your jokes, then maybe try making ones that you know are more in line with my sense of humor? That only enraged him. One time we got into a two hour fight over what he believed is and isn't an appropriate way to laugh at something. Physical comedy (i.e. Chris Farley from SNL falling on a table and breaking it) makes me laugh out loud. But most of the time, I'm usually smiling and giving a "ha!". This would infuriate my husband, and this would be when we're watching a movie! Not a joke he's made. He has jammed his elbow into my side in a movie theatre because he's so annoyed that I'm not laughing out loud even though he can see me smiling and nodding my head and it's obvious I'm enjoying myself. Anyway, that two hour fight was the most bizarre experience of my life. 
    So my husband decided that my sense of humor and other things were making him so unhappy and he made it his mission to try and change aspects of my personality. I, along with a few marriage counselors, tried to explain to him that you can get people to change habits but not aspects of their personality. But he didn't get it and said I was just not trying hard enough. 
    after over a year of this nightmare, he came to the realization that he doesn't want to change me and that he loves me for me. It was truly one of the happiest days of my life, more than our wedding day, because it has been a living hell. 
    what hasn't changed is the anger and verbal abuse. He still gets angry so quickly and he scares me. He will call me names like fuck face, damaged goods, psycho, wizard, simple-minded, emotionally stupid. He easily hits me below the belt and tells me how awful he thinks I am. But when he's happy with me I am the most wonderful person. He blames me for everything "i only get this mad because you make me this way. When you learn how to stop hurting my feelings then I will stop getting angry". He is very critical and expects people to answer his questions very specifically. When I try to answer the best way I can, but he's only looking for a yes or no, he has yelled "stop! I only want a yes or no!" 
    other things he has said which are abusive and just mean and condescending: 

    "you keep pressing the button when I've said to hold it down. I don't understand why you refuse to listen to me"

    "we literally talked about this last summer. It is so offensive you do not remember" 

    "i just need you to answer the question!" 
    "I hate you so fucking much"

    "your mom hates you" 

    "my mom hates you" 

    "even my mom couldn't believe what you said" 

    "you are damaged"

    "good luck in your life. You're gonna need it" 

    I have pleaded over and over that I think the meds have changed him. This is not the man I married. The man I married was lovely, kind and sweet and would never call me names like this.  But I can easily pinpoint when he started to change is when he began the meds. But my husband is in complete denial and is very good at rationalizing his behavior by blaming it on me.

    i was briefly on Vyvance because he made me think I had ADD too because I wasn't giving him enough attention. So I saw a psychiatrist and he put me on meds. They did nothing for me so I stopped. But my husband would go through his meds before his refills were due and he would help himself to mine because I didn't take them everyday. I said that wasn't ok and he didn't see it that way. Well, I threw out my meds when I decided I did not want to be on them anymore and he found them in the trash, fished them out and wrote me an email about how hurt he was that I did that because I should have given them to him. He believes the meds are his "secret weapon" and his only way to get his work done. 
    Im trying to get him help but he refuses. He simply does not believe he has a problem and instead thinks it's all me, that I'm the one with the problems. 
    I'm desperate for help. If anyone has advice or has gone through something similar I would appreciate hearing your thoughts and experiences. Thank you!

     

     

  • Young kids and a husband in denial by: kal11 1 week 2 days ago

    Hey all I'm new to this site but so glad I found it. My son is ten months old and as we've gotten more responsibilities my husbands adhd has become more of an issue. He was recently diagnosed but states he is taking his meds when I know he isn't. My husband has no idea how much I think about separation because I can't communicate with him. He either blames me for pretty much everything, states I just want to change him or he doesn't talk or respond at all. I'm so lost lonely and confused. I don't know if it's better to try and stick it out see if he'll change and start understanding how impactful his untreated adhd is to our family or leave now before my son starts to see everything I do and before it impacts him. My husband is an asshole when he drinks socially but yet refuses to give it up, he does t handle his emotions well gets angry easily so I'm always walking on eggshells, he never finishes projects around the house (we started our deck in June and it still isn't done). I just don't know where to go or what to do anymore ... my parents and friends have also noticed he is always on his phone isn't interacting, is distracted doesn't respond to questions when asked the first time. isn't getting anything at the house done and I can't hide my frustration anymore! 

  • Does your adhd person dismiss... just about everything? by: Brindle 1 week 5 days ago

    "It'll be fine."

    I hear this about so many life issues.  From tax questions to health concerns to car maintenance to issues with kids to... yeah.

    His way is to say that it will be fine and do nothing.  And then when later it isn't fine, he's angry that he has to take time to fix it or spend the chunk of money to fix it.

     I'm trying to decide if this is because fixing problems when they are small is boring, or if he's just in denial about everything.  Is it all really just about having his pleasures at all times?  Or is it more of his lack of taking responsibility for things, which I see a lot of, too.  I suppose I may never know.

     

  • Newbie. Where to from here? by: Taurus 2 weeks 10 hours ago

    My husband and I have been married for ten years. He has a 14 year old daughter from a previous marriage, I have a son of the same age, and we have a 6 year old daughter together. He is not taking any form of medication or therapy.

    Over the time we have been together, it has been a struggle for me to deal with his lack of reliability and inconsistency and it has gotten progressively worse. I no longer feel happy in our marriage.

    The overwhelming bulk of organising, scheduling and being responsible for our family's wellbeing falls to me. I never feel as if he is there to support us. Its as if he is incapable of seeing what happens around him or thinking of pitching in to help. He is unreliable and inconsistent. Even when i ask for help or tell him how i am feeling, he brushes me off, making jokes, or makes promises he never keeps. I have tried numerous approaches. It always ends up me being at the point of exhaustion and desperation and it blows up. The end result is always the same. He is defensive, angry, turns it around on me, makes out like i constantly criticize him. I usually get the silent treatment afterwards which feels like a punishment, and then afterwards he pretends it never happened, with no apology or communication. It doesnt ever feel resolved. but it happens again and again, the same underlying issue in different situations, which is he doesnt see me or how i am struggling despite me telling him. After a fight he will bustle around doing chores as if to say "look how much i do", but it never lasts. 

    Over the years we have also dealt with many health issues with my son. I have always been the main caregiver and mostly felt entirely alone in carrying the burden. To the point of terrible anxiety and depression.

    As well as the day to day things, whenever there is a time of difficulty he leaves me to manage it alone. I feel most of the time he is living his own life first in his own head, knowing i am there to handle everything else. Its exhausting and makes me resentful. He just doesnt see what happens around him.

    He owns his own business, works from home and sets his own schedules. Yet i am always having to plan the familys needs and schedules without his input because he seems to only be able to focus on one thing at a time. His work, or what interests him at any given time. Or what he thinks is priority. While i have a full time high pressured job myself and have to juggle everything else for the family. He could help out more because his work is more flexible,  but he chooses not to, because we dont seem to ever feature on his mental list. I rely a lot on my mom to help which upsets me. I have a husband who could help but doesnt. Its embarrasing and i find i make excuses for him a lot.i dont have anyone to talk to about things either.

    Example...My car broke down and has been in for repair for weeks. He took on the job of taking it in and communicating with the mechanic which has been a disaster. He doesnt keep me up to date with what is going on and i constantly have to ask what the news is. In the meantime i have had to juggle getting kids to school and me to work, relying every day on my mom for help. I have to make these arrangements and he takes it for granted that i will. He has a car which he uses for work when he goes out to see clients. Most days he is home before us and could pitch in but in all these weeks he has not done so once. I have told him how much strain i am under, and how its frustrating taking advantage of my mom. But it has no effect on anything, he has not once made an attempt to communicate what is happening or pitch in to help with transport. I have also directly asked if he could help out, and it is a non committal answer, that he will see, he cant give me a definite answer, it depends on how his day goes. It eventually blew up into an argument where i said i felt like he just is incapable of putting himself in my shoes and the urgency of the situation.

    The inconsistency and unreliability in so many areas makes me feel my feelings are worthless in the marriage. Most of my stress and energy goes into constantly having to be flexible and think on my feet due to his inability to commit and his lack of planning. Im let down a lot. And the fact i cant approach him about it without repercussions makes me wonder if this marriage is salvageable.

    I could also go into the many typically ADHD symptoms and behaviours such as hoarding, untidiness, disorganisation and financial management which also cause a great deal of stress, because those are other issues which causes a lot of problems too. I think the lack of communication and inability to feel empathy and act on it really hurts. I feel the load is too heavy to bear on my own. He seems to just live life in his own head while.me and his children are left on the outside. Its devastating.

     

     

     

     

     

  • HUGS ** <3 by: AdeleS6845 2 weeks 15 hours ago

    I wanted to reach out today and give you all a big virtual hug.

    All of your posts are hitting home with me, especially the ones where your spouses recall things differently from what they actually were. I had this happen with my ex-husband.

    XXX

  • residual anger resulting from long-term neglect by: PoisonIvy 2 weeks 16 hours ago

    Hi, friends. This forum has been a great support over the years. You might recall that my ex (we've been divorced for four years) is in the "likes to do things himself, doesn't want to spend money" camp. I'm dealing with one of the results of this today. I'm finally getting the gutters replaced on the house, which I got in the divorce. The gutters are in terrible shape (not just my opinion; I heard one of the workers say this), and the project will cost about $6,500. Ouch! This has revived my anger at my ex a little bit, but so far, I'm doing relatively well all things considered. Wish me luck!

  • Permission to live your own life by: jennalemone 2 weeks 1 day ago

    "If you love someone else more than yourself, you will always compromise too much, ignore the red flags, get hurt, and lose yourself in your relationships."

    I am trying to understand myself better and know myself better.  When I was a young girl I was taught over and over again that I should love Jesus first, Others second and Yourself last = JOY.  Most of the women who grew up in my mainstream protestant church are today similar to me....meek, obedient and ineffective because we do not allow ourselves to fight....trying to love Jesus and Others and putting down ourselves even in our mature years. There are a few strong women...but I am perceiving that they had parents who adored them and encouraged them to be strong.  Most of us in those Sunday School classes were from families where obedience was mandatory and disobedience had disastrous consequences.  Many of us did not give ourselves the permission to do anything but obey anyone who might have a rule to give us, trying very hard not to offend anyone. And that includes our spouses who were not being loving toward us.  I have not found the key to permitting myself to be a mature woman who can stand up to oppression.  I am ashamed of that but it is true.  But I am searching and trying.

    "Because, to be honest, losing yourself is far more painful than losing a relationship. And it will take you forever to find your strength, dignity, and truth again."

  • Telling my ADHD husband he had ADHD: How and when? by: Sabigail 2 weeks 6 days ago

    I know that my husband has ADHD, but he does not. I am trying to figure out how to talk to him about this diagnosis. I can say he has it with confidence because I am a psychotherapist. This only makes it harder to talk to him about social and emotional issues because he does not want me using my "therapy" on him. How do I get this information into his brain? It is at the core of our marriage difficulties and after 35+ years of marriage, I am not sure we will make it one more.

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