Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Partner does not seek help by: Lonely21 11 hours 4 min ago

    My husband was diagnosed with ADHD this year, we have two young children and the fights have become increasingly constant. I don't know how to deal with the situation anymore, because I feel exhausted. I would really like him to seek treatment and objective tools for everyday life. He started therapy last year, after many requests from me, but this year he hasn't returned and isn't receptive to any help. I find myself at a dead end, as my two options are flawed, one would be for us to talk and try to resolve the conflicts, but he is incapable of doing so, the other option is for me to try to overlook the situations and keep them to myself without verbalizing them, but this ends up generating I feel frustrated and angry and I end up exploding over small things (the bucket is always full and about to spill) and he can't understand why, so he sees me as bad-tempered, bossy, annoying, stressed. I don't know how to make him understand the importance of seeking treatment.  And simply accepting that he won't seek treatment is like sentencing our relationship to failure.

  • Partner doesn't seek help by: Lonely21 13 hours 31 min ago

    My husband was diagnosed with ADHD this year, we have two young children and the fights have become increasingly constant. I don't know how to deal with the situation anymore, because I feel exhausted. I would really like him to seek treatment and objective tools for everyday life. He started therapy last year, after many requests from me, but this year he hasn't returned and isn't receptive to any help. I find myself at a dead end, as my two options are flawed, one would be for us to talk and try to resolve the conflicts, but he is incapable of doing so, the other option is for me to try to overlook the situations and keep them to myself without verbalizing them, but this ends up generating I feel frustrated and angry and I end up exploding over small things (the bucket is always full and about to spill) and he can't understand why, so he sees me as bad-tempered, bossy, annoying, stressed. I don't know how to make him understand the importance of seeking treatment.

  • Need Advice from *BOTH* Sides! (ADHD & Non-ADHD Perspectives) by: Varden 2 days 10 hours ago

    Ok, so to keep an extremely long story very short, my partner with ADHD has been in the process of recovering from recent family trauma from about 4 years ago and how it still very much effects her to this day. She was very slender when I met her, extremely active, frequented the gym, and used to love getting out-doors and doing a bunch of the activities we both loved to do when we met. On top of that, she always used to be great about keeping up with her half of the chores and keeping the house clean, over all. She had symptoms of ADHD mostly as a younger kid, and by the time I met her when she was 19, I didn't even know or suspect she could have it until about four years into our relationship when all this family trauma of her's occurred.

    Within the span of a few months, she basically became a broken down version of herself, and all of the sudden, her ADHD was level 11 severe, like, I'm talking incapacitating for someone who didn't have a support system like me. Flash forward to four years since the family issues and she's really been talking about how much she wants to lose weight, clean the house more, get rid of clutter, do a whole laundry list of projects, and also make more time for herself and the fun things we used to do for us as a couple all the time when we first were dating. 

    I know her quite well, and the problem is she's always repeating this pattern of wanting more time to do the things she says she wants to do, but then she'll book way too many clients or take on so many other obligations that she has no time for herself, let alone much time for us. I've learned a lot about ADHD over the years of her also discovering herself in this new way, and I know enough to know that I can't force her to do anything and really I can only encourage her to make changes that help her try different, not necessarily try harder. Now that it's been about a solid year of her saying constantly that she wants to go to the gym (yet she only went 4 times last year because it's hard to "make time for it"), or wanting to focus on her mental health more, or actually doing her chores (I've pretty much been doing them all while working 40+ hours a week for a year now) but at the same time not doing anything to clear her schedule up to make room for it, I've started to giver her gentle reminders along the lines of "remember what you said you wanted to do?" or "Your schedule's just starting to clear up, are you sure you want to take on another x, y, & z obligation without first scheduling time for yourself?".

    I'm really trying to walk a fine-line between not nagging her, since she doesn't need/like that and I don't like feeling like a nag either, but sometimes it feels like she just CAN NOT for the life of her seem to prioritize planning for herself or the goals she sets for herself. Then what happens? Well, she's continued to gain more and more weight, which makes her beat up on herself even more, and makes her lean ever closer to this cycle of depressive demotivation that she herself is causing by not making changes to make her goals happen. And it truthfully hurts so bad to see her like this. I tell her she's beautiful and that I love her at least 5 times a day at minimum. I tell her that I just want her to be happy and remind her that I'm not forcing her to make any changes when I remind her of the goals she sets, but every time I do, I feel like she shuts down and treats me like I'm the villain who's keeping her from achieving her goals or being happy. But after a year, if nothing's changed and things have only gotten worse, and it wretches me to see her so sad on herself, how can I as a loving partner NOT say something? I feel like it would be less loving to just let her be and continue down this path of her own choices making her feel worse and worse. It seriously hurts me because I love her so much and just want her to be happy, in whatever body she wants, but she has these visions in mind of her from almost 5 years back that she's doing nothing to make a reality again. Keep in mind too that she's self employed and tied to NO obligations or responsibilities that she doesn't decide when to schedule for herself, so she could literally make any change that she wants in order to make these goals happen.

    So here's where I need advice from both sides of the view point...

    Neurotypical partners: Have you ever been in a situation like this? How did you communicate and remind them of goals they set for themselves without nagging or feeling like a nag? How were you able to stay emotionally stable as you watched their emotional well-being decline and how did you keep yourself from going into 'savior-mode' while still feeling like you were a loving and supportive partner and not just letting them fall apart?

    ADHD partners: Have you ever been in a cycle like this? How did you help yourself remember to prioritize changes in your life that helped you achieve the goals you set for yourself? Did you have a partner who was there for you in that time, and if so, how were they able to remind you and help you stay on track without making you feel like they were nagging you or putting you down?

    Any advice is much appreciated!! Thanks in advance for reading my very long explanation about the situation, but I felt like it was necessary to really get my point across of what life is like for me right now. Praying that Melissa Orlov sees this one!!

  • Boundaries (Update) by: Eighpryl_AB 1 week 21 hours ago

    *Update:  He didn't end up taking the kids to the hospital to meet the cousins.  I don't know why because we had a discussion earlier in the day in which we kind of went round and round.  I kept calm, but emphatic and he knew I was very distressed by the whole thing.  He didn't agree with me or tell me, or even the kids, that it was off, but he ultimately didn't go at all, either.  He had to go out of town for a couple days, but we will be having a talk when he gets back.  I won't make him choose between me and them, but I will not accept him pressuring me about this ever again.  Hard, non-negotiable boundary.

     

    My husband has been estranged from his parents and his younger sister for over a decade.  The family is EXTREMELY dysfunctional and his parents were actually very abusive to my husband and his brothers when they were young.  I believe his mom has some mental illness, and the step dad has always pretty much enabled it and basically told everyone to placate her.  I didn't see any of this until AFTER I married my husband, but his mom took a disliking to me soon after I did (I think because I COULD see it), and she was pretty awful to me and eventually to our kids as well.  My husband saw it, and once they stopped speaking to us, promised me he would never put the kids and I around them again until I was completely comfortable with it.  I have a (probably completely irrational) fear of them because of all the stuff they put us through, and I have ALWAYS been afraid that if they ever relented at all, my husband would go running right back to them.... incapable of and unwilling to hold them accountable for their past actions or set any boundaries with their behavior, just like he couldn't in the beginning. 

    One of my brothers-in-law was in a terrible motorcycle crash last weekend.  The family all came in.  My husband saw his parents and younger sister for the first time in over 10 years.  His sister now has 5 little kids that he's obviously never met before.  But my husband LOVES little kids, so he IMMEDIATELY wanted a relationship with them.  His sister has been divorced several times and now she and her kids live with his parents.  He started wistfully telling me that he wishes I would be more open to reconciling with his family.  I kind of panicked because this has been my worst nightmare (they really were mean to me and our kids for years before cutting us off) but he reassured me that my fears were groundless.  He said he hardly talked to his parents or sister and spent the whole time playing with her kids.  He said his parents and sister expressed no desire to see me or our kids, or any interest in us whatsoever.  But I have been really uneasy ever since.  I would never prevent him from having a relationship with his family if he really wants one, but it feels like a bit of a betrayal to me considering the past.  This afternoon my husband excitedly announced to our kids that he will take them to the hospital to meet their cousins.  Tomorrow.  Wait, what?  He's just ecstatic about it, and I feel like he's doing exactly what he promised me FOR YEARS that he would never do.  I can't stop him and I don't personally HAVE to go with them to see his family, but WHERE DID THE BOUNDARIES GO???  He didn't ask me if I was ok with him taking our kids to meet up with his family or make me part of the discussion or even consider how I feel about it even tho I had already clearly expressed my discomfort about him jumping back into his family with both feet just last weekend.  I feel like this is just a way to circumvent all his promises and reassurances to me by saying it's really important for our kids to meet their cousins - the children of his sister and his parents who have wanted nothing to do with him or our kids for over a decade and are literally only here bc of his brother's accident.

    If you made it all the way through this, I am sorry it is so long.  I am venting, but I want to cry because I am just so frustrated and sad and downright scared that he's about to force these people back on me and I don't know what to do.  But this might be the very last straw if he goes through with it.  I don't think I can deal with that toxic family AND my personal struggles with him at the same time ever again. 

  • The degree of pain by: Swedish coast 1 week 4 days ago

    I'm having a hard time moving on after divorce. It's been four months since my ADD ex-husband moved out, we text about the children but besides that don't communicate.

    Its obvious that the same instant I stopped repairing the relationship, there was no longer a relationship.

    I think he wants things to be normal, meaning me being nice to him. He reaches out occasionally, hoping I'm well, and has offered me coffee at his house when I've come to collect children. I decline since I'm hurt.

    The thing is, I'm in such pain. I'm hurting so much I feel life is over. There is no normal anymore, since what he's done to me is unbearable. He has either forgotten about that, or he ignores it since he on his part feels safe around me. I know there will never be closure coming from him.

    It's clear to me now, he's been transgressing my boundaries for a decade. He didn't repair our love and trust, I always had to do it. It's like the full blast of this accumulated hurt has exploded on me when I finally gave up on our marriage. It's pain on a scale I've rarely felt.

    I grieve my entire life as an adult, the losses in every aspect of life, the injustice. The lack of understanding from certain people around us. Nobody but me has actually seen his massive dysfunction. And everyone sees him as a responsible and gentle person. Even those who believe me would have a hard time imagining the emotional outbursts, headless demands and illogical cruelties of his RSD.

    Everyone now expects me to lead the way to reconciliation. I'm supposed to erase the conflict so the children don't suffer from it. I'm the one holding a grudge. He either is untroubled, or pretends to be in order to gain something.

    It's I who suffer for not repairing. By sitting on my hands I let his hurtful words and actions define the end of our long years together. 

    But what to do? I physically cannot make another repair attempt. They are all spent, as is my patience with him. And I cannot pretend someone who has treated me like this is my friend. It's just humiliating.

    When will this pain ever end? 

  • I did it! by: Dagmar 1 week 4 days ago

    We separated. I've mentioned here before that 5 years ago, I stopped overcompensating for him and the result was that everything in our lives are falling apart now, because he didn't pick up the slack.   We had a bad week with a perfect storm of all our issues and I asked for a separation.   First, he chose the path of least resistance in a conflict, which was going against me, even though he had agreed with me on what needed to happen.  Then he made a terrible financial decision that I had asked him to find out more information about before he did it.   I told him he needed to figure out a budget.  I told him to get a spreadsheet, and list all of our debts and monthly payments.  He agreed.  Then he spent the evening "managing my expectations,"  looking up salary ranges and insurance costs.  While he was doing this, I was getting more and more frustrated.  I told him that we couldn't do anything until we knew what was coming in and what was going out and it was time he understood what that looked like.   He wouldn't budge.  Later he said he was stuck in a loop.   But as the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.  He showed me that no matter what I said and did, he still expected me to do all the hard stuff.  

    He moved in with his mother, who actually does need looking after.   That was another issue we had. His mother is really old and probably shouldn't be living on her own and he just wasn't doing anything about it.  It has been killing me not to take that on, but the woman has four children. There's no reason I should be the one to step in. 

    We've had a lot of breakthroughs - he was complaining that his stomach was bothering him and I described how he felt.  He was surprised I knew.  I said "That's stress.  I've felt like that every day for years." 
    He has started looking for a new job.  He applied to 15 jobs in the first week and agreed that it was more jobs than he'd ever applied for the entire time we've been together (which included years-long periods of unemployment). 
    He told the marriage counselor that he was getting mixed signals from me because I kept answering questions with "I don't care, do what you want."  Marriage counselor said "I think she's saying that she wants you to make your own decisions," and it was like a lightbulb went off!  He didn't realize that before?!  I mean, I knew I made all the major decisions, but I didn't know he was relying on me for EVERY decision.  (Not that he would go along with them - I'd make the decision and then he'd decide afterwards if he wanted to do that or not.)

    So things were good for a while.  We were getting along.  His mom was getting help.  But we didn't make a clean break.  It's been about a month now and he's been spending four days a week at our house.  All for legitimate reasons - the kids had an event, or he had to work from home because his car was in the shop and his mom doesn't have wifi.   However, we're falling back into old routines. Not good. 

    I started expressing my concerns that now it was like he was a guest in our house - I was doing everything, and he was just hanging around.   This was the opposite of what I was trying to accomplish. 

    Then this week, he overslept.  This was always a huge issue with us, but hasn't been in the last 5 years because he had to get up 2 hours earlier than I did, and so he could finally learn to do it on his own.  I wasn't even angry when I woke him up, but that was the kick in the pants he needed to realize he was letting me take over again.  He left again.  That was good. 

    I don't know what is going to happen.  I don't know if I should make this a cleaner break or not, but things are moving in a better direction.




     

  • Non partner support group + book - anyone feel they helped? by: Off the roller ... 1 week 4 days ago

    Anyone here who can share their experience of being the non-ADHD and if reading the book and doing the non-ADHD partner support group helped them in the long run? And I'm not talking about if it saved your marriage or relationship....I'm talking about for YOU specifically. Did it help you get to a better place for yourself and perhaps a knock on effect was your kids? And creating a better environment for them too? 

    Essentially, I have the book (haven't been able to read it yet because my therapist was like 'tread carefully') and I'm considering the partner support group - I can tell that I really need the tailored, non- support communities as I refuse to do the work on the marriage bc he's not doing it. |But it's affecting my son and ultimately, I have to still work on myself. Even if I left tomorrow, I'd still feel this anger and hurt and upset because of everything. 

    We just got back from a lovely trip away that was slightly marred by our triggers and responses and it's clear to me that I have more work to do on my own. 

    It's been a few of those days where my judgment is so clouded by hurt, frustration and confusion and want to choose a path to work on it, but would like to know more information about those paths (i.e if I'm gonna spend the money on that support group, I'd like to make sure that I get something out of it for ME and me alone) 

  • Explosions of extreme Anger in my partner, and my despair by: FrustratedSpouse 2 weeks 3 hours ago

    I just joined this forum after my adult daughter was diagnosed ADHD and shared info that made me think that my husband is ADHD.  Classic ADHD/non-ADHD marraige... 35 years (plus 7 years of dating before that.  My husband is a creative and lovely person who, to the outside world, is the utmost gentleman; life together has been a series of roller coaster rides where, when I ask for more participation in family responsibilities like managing finances, planning for retirement, shopping and household projects that require planning, the conversation devolves into glaring at me, defensiveness, physical expressions of anger(towards things, not towards me) and threats to leave me. Last fall, his anger came out in the workplace and he was fired by a long time client.  He doesn't really think he did anything wrong in that situation, because he "didn't swear, didn't direct anger directly at the supervisor", but he did storm out.  I realize that this is probably what I experience from him, and he has no idea how abusive it feels.  I think this behavior was modeled for him growing up.  I am fearful of talking about important things because I fear it will devolve into extreme behavior.  As a side note-- his parents have both asked me to handle the responsibilities of being a trustee/executor, one for a Special Needs trust for a disabled brother; the other was to be executor of my mother in law's estate.  Mother in law had a stroke 3 years ago so I became her POA and financial manager; Father in law just passed, and in addition to the grief, I now have full responsibility for managing the Special Needs Trust.  All because I am the "capable" one.  I'm "good at these things".  I just want to scream...  We are finally getting couples counseling and I have mentioned the idea of getting screened for ADHD but no action so far. 

  • Failed relationship, recent break up by: lana25 2 weeks 5 days ago

     

    Hello everyone. I recently found this site due to starting dating an ADHD man. Well, dating would be quite an optimistic description. That´s why I ended up on this site and oh my did I recognize myself and him in almost every post. He is officially un diagnosed and has mentioned a couple of times that he probably has this ’shit’ (his word for referring to ADHD). He is absolutely the hyperactive type, something that I have never seen in my life before. Did a few iron man, always on the go, always working, always on the screen, always stressed, restless, on edge, very successful professionally. Really different from anyone i have ever met before. And that´s why I fell for him. Could be so sweet and charming and the chemistry between un was undeniable. He did mention though that he had been diagnosed with epilepsy and is quite reactive, impulsive and stressed most of the times, is prone to anxiety, depression and has zero tolerance for negative feedback. I noticed pretty soon that it was impossible to have almost any king of commitment or arrangement with him. That started to stress me out as I began to see he was unreliable. In the beginning I tried to rationalize it by the fact that he was legitimately busy. Has two factories, travels a lot internationally, has 2 small kids from previous marriage..

    The relationship was passionate but rocky. He said he has no idea how to integrate a new relationship into his hectic lifestyle, to which I was naive to think that love will help us to get there. Boy was I naive.

    Things started to get stranger. I realized that he was still partly living in the house with his kids and their mother (never married, just a civil arrangement), stating that’s because he owns the house and travels a lot, didn’t have any custody arrangement whatsoever and according to his words, due to his busy schedule, he comes to see them when he can and that’s how it works for him and that he hasn’t had a relationship with their mother for years. His youngest son has some type of neurological disorder and epilepsy.  I myself am divorced as well, and the separation and the divorce was messy, but now I can not imagine staying under the same roof with my ex husband, even if we have an ok relationship post divorce. So all this just seems to me as pretty much an inappropriate, messy situation, with a complete lack of boundaries, rules, order and what not. Basically I understood that he likes to do what he wants, when he wants and how he wants it and everything to be on his terms. 

    He has a pretty severe RSD, the term I got familiar with after researching some of his over the top reactions to pretty regular stuff, may be not the best wording from my part but nothing that warranties blocking/unblocking, catastrophic thinking, threatening break up etc..

    I think I endured pretty heavy stuff on his part, but never reacted in such a way.

    I once raised a legitimate concern about his living arrangement with his family and how uncomfortable I was with that and that it made dating complicated. He had a small flat to himself apart from the house, but was rarely there. His response was to get angry, saying that he never wants to talk about it again, that he feels to be put on the spot and doesn’t want that. And that generally he just wants love and adoration out of this relationship. Otherwise he is not interested. I felt appalled by this and almost left in tears to which in the end he apologized and proposed a trip. We haven´t spoken in 3 weeks, after that i decided to give it one more chance and accepted the trip. (I later realized it was an RSD reaction to my raising a concern)

    The latest episode was about us going on a trip together. He asked me to send him my ‘documents’ so he can get the tickets without stating specifically what information he needs. Not to mention it was all done on the last day, all the while he had mentioned the trip weeks ago. I sent him the part of my ID that clearly shows my name, DOB and everything that is required to buy a ticket. He wrote back that he needs a passport as well since he needs to get some permit (I later found out it was true), we don’t live in the US. Im sad and embarrassed to admit the lack of trust that was apparent between us. I logically new that I had nothing to worry about sending him the copy of my passport. But for some reason I hesitated, since he was always quite secretive and I resented that. In the end I sent him my passport and within a matter of seconds he went off on me that why don’t I go and do it all on my own, the whole trip, since I don’t trust him. And this coming from a man that never formally told me his last name (I later found out by myself) and when we first travelled together he sent me the photo of his boarding pass cutting his name out. Asked for my email to forward me the reservation, but didn’t and sent me a photo on WhatsApp instead. Embarrassing, I know. I am ashamed to acknowledge what I have tolerated and even more so why. I never felt that he was in any way a danger to me, knew where he worked, went to his factory, etc. Its just the whole ADHD thing makes you to allow crazy stuff to happen. Not an excuse for me, but caught me off guard. The attraction between us was just magical and I lost sight of everything else. I know I obviously need to work on my boundaries.

    So now, his last message to me was that he can’t take it any more of how bad I make him feel sometimes and he doesn’t want this type of anger and frustration in his life. That I always question him, see a dark side of everything and generally am negative. That I am welcome to buy and go on a trip by myself using the cut out photo that I sent him, and enjoy a good weather that I detected (he takes offense of even my mentioning the weather, in response to his mentioning the weather, he thinks I am opposing..), and that my way is valid, its just not his way. I was speechless of such an aggressive reaction, but honestly I already kind of got used to it. 

    I also know from his words that he felt the same way about his ex partner and his ex gf, that he was a victim of their mistreatment. 

    I wrote back that It was a shame that he saw so much of the negativity in my attitude towards him, since I actually loved him dearly  in spite of all the mess (He knew I was crazy about him). And that I didn't send him the cut out photo of my ID to offend him, but because it had the information i thought he needed. I do realize why he felt offended though, Since I also felt bad when he cut out his name the first time around. I feel bad and guilty about doing that. And also that after all the accommodations I made for his symptoms, I am finally to blame for the bad treatment and that the relationship won’t work. And above all for the lack of trust. Trust is difficult to build and maintaining when you have to lower your expectations to near zero to avoid the uncontrollable feeling of disappointment..  I know, the same old story on this forum. But feels really hurtful and unfair. I can not imagine how many of you here got married and arrived at decades mark and raised children with people like that. Terrible, sad, heartbreaking experience. I guess my only question is , was I really at fault in this last case that offended him so deeply that I didn’t trust him or is it a form of gaslighting on his part?   I did send him everything he asked for, but he took offense I hesitated. It really hurts to have to end it like that.Thank you for reading. Best wishes to all of you.

  • When I need rest and he goes goes goes by: Sunshine76 2 weeks 6 days ago

    Hi all - Wondering what is the answer to our current conundrum or what are the boundaries I can set for my needs.

    We have six wonderful kids, all ADHD. I run our household while my husband travels for work so the parent/child dynamic in ADHD marraiges never fits us. But what is the case is my husband is go go go and I have a combined type where i need to rest. We are currently on a school vacation week and for him it is the mecca of the ski season, we have a ski house, and our kids all can ski. However, I need to recoup and rest this week and experiencing him firing things at me about the house, the skis, the kids, the meeting up, is exhausting. I am sitting on the chair lift in the sunshine and he is going through all of the logistics for skiing the next day.I am in the hot tub and he is again going over the logistics. I made a pasta dinner and a few beers in he is critiquing and being overly authoritative to our kids when he has missed half of what is going on and is wrong in his criticism of them. I am so worn out and think I am approaching ADHD burnout. Coming up against my limits is a huge anger trigger for him. I want to skip this trip or coming up north but I really want to spend time with my older kids. Anyone else have a  spouse that runs hot on vacations? Or doesn't allow you to relax? This happens at home on the weekends too. 

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