Recent Topics

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 6 hours 48 min ago

    Maybe I am delusional, and maybe I am missing the mark completely... but something occurred to me this morning when I woke up.

     

    I am his mirror.  Its why he cannot face me anymore.  Its why he has to run away from our marriage and me.  To be with me, he has to be his true self, I will not settle for the mask that he gives to everyone else. His true self is who I love.  *I* will not let him be dishonest with himself.  He knows that he cannot tell me he is OK when he isnt.  Even if I say nothing - he knows he cannot hide himself from me.  Thats why he can run to a friends house and be comfortable, because NO ONE THERE is close enough to force him to deal with his real self.  His mother in fear of pushing him away will go with anything he says.  His friends just don't want to deal with any of his issues - they just want to hang out and have fun.  But me... because I DO care, because I WANT the truth - it forces him to have to really look at himself and that is the greatest and deepest discomfort and pain to him there is.  He has to face shame and guilt, some earned for his own bad behavior - easily forgiven by me-  though he cant seem to forgive himself as he should, but MOST of that shame and guilt isnt even his - it was just pushed on him as a child for things he has zero control on - but he cannot tell the difference between them.  And I am betting that shame and guilt for those things that ARENT his (the CSA, some of the thoughts and things he had to do to protect himself) - those are so scary that he lumps everything together and just runs as fast as he can.  And he cannot see that that stuff is the past and he is letting it control his present - but he doesnt have to let it control his future.

     

    I also reflect his insecurities.. because I know his worth, and his talents, and his strengths - I KNOW the real man inside and he is amazing... he cannot hide and pretend he doesnt have them or that this mask he wears is who he is.  He cannot look at me like he can everyone else and feel no responsibility and no requirements and no expectations.  Thats what makes everyone else so comfortable for him - the have zero expectations of him.  They dont think he CAN be anything.... more... than the guy that sits around in his room and plays games coming out every now and then to eat - a guy to talk shit with and play games with or watch football with.  And while they do care, its a limited thing  - because he isnt a big part of their lives.   They like to think they live on some movie where friends will be there through thick and thin - but when it comes to the hard stuff, they ignore it and let HIM ignore it because THAT part of loving someone is hard.  They are friends, good friends - but not the kind that will walk through hell with you and drag you out, or pick you up if you fall.  he will call them and talk to them and have a great time - but he cant talk to me because I know the truth about who he is - he cant pretend to be someone else to me. 

     

    Its starting to click.

     

    I wonder....am I close to the truth here.

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 1 day 19 hours ago

    So - I heard this song, and BOY did it resonate with me today!  PLUS - its got Marines!  And who doesnt love them! :-)

     

    THEY CANNOT HAVE OUR SOULS!

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuwfgXD8qV8

     

    Days like this I want to drive away
    Pack my bags and watch your shadow fade
    You chewed me up and spit me out
    Like I was poison in your mouth
    You took my light, you drained me down
    But that was then and this is now, now look at me

     

    This is the part of me
    That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no!
    This is the part of me
    That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no!
    Throw your sticks and your stones, throw your bombs and your blows
    But you’re not gonna break my soul
    This is the part of me
    That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no!

     

    I just wanna throw my phone away
    Find out who is really there for me
    You ripped me off your love was cheap
    Was always tearing at the seams
    I fell deep, you let me down
    But that was then and this is now, now look at me

     

    This is the part of me
    That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no!
    This is the part of me
    That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no!
    Throw your sticks and your stones, throw your bombs and your blows
    But you’re not gonna break my soul
    This is the part of me
    That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no!

     

    Now look at me I’m sparkling
    A firework, a dancing flame
    You won't ever put me out again I’m glowin’ oh whoa
    So you can keep the diamond ring
    It don't mean nothing anyway
    In fact you can keep everything yeah, yeah except for me

     

    This is the part of me
    That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no!
    This is the part of me
    That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no!
    Throw your sticks and your stones, throw your bombs and your blows
    But you’re not gonna break my soul
    This is the part of me
    That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no
    This is the part of me, no
    Away from me no
    This is the part of me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, no
    Throw your sticks and your stones, throw your bombs and your blows
    But you’re not gonna break my soul
    This is the part of me,
    That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no

  • by: JJamieson - 2 days 2 hours ago

    This is just a humorous post...that came out of something my therapists has used to help me (and us together) understand (my) particular situation with my wife and I. This is done on both of our behalf including my wife and she is in on this too......For me....this helps me in  order to get me to see my wife...from the perspective of a character...or "nature of the beast" way of seeing things.  This is really is helpful for me...in understanding what my wife...is not always able to communicate with me as far as her needs are concerned.

    I was talking this over with my wife the other night...and I said.."he hasn't given me an animal character yet....I wonder what that would be?

    My wife immediately said "A dog!!!!"  And that cracked me up.  Not as in "a dog" as a put down....but literally....as my animal character and my....'nature of the beast."  It's perfect...I cannot argue or disagree.  And the first "dog" I thought about...was one of my favorites from my past....since she was just like me in so many ways....that I had to come here and put this into perspective.

    As my T was telling me....."Leave the Porcupine alone"....when it's quills are up.  The "nature of the beast"....and my character animal....is perfect...in explaining why this is so difficult to do sometimes.  It is not....in my "nature".....to leave the Porcupine alone...but I have to go against my instincts and my nature anyway....as my T made this very clear to me.

    I found the perfect video to show this in action.  My girl Doberman....did the same thing.  She just couldn't leave it alone!!! LOL  I'm so much like this....it's not even funny!! LOL

    Enjoy it for what it is......I'm a Doberman....what can I say?  It's not in the nature of a Doberman....to just leave things alone!!! lol

     

    Doberman obsession  https://youtu.be/d5BNG9ufDKc

    Doberman..doesn't know what to do with new situations https://youtu.be/YFfK1Zla1b8

    Doberman shame    https://youtu.be/rEeMDLddVBU

    Doberman..not good with reading cues   5:11 https://youtu.be/8uxDs4LawTQ

    Doberman  loves animals    https://youtu.be/o7nvyXFsyf8

    Doberman  can't leave it alone  https://youtu.be/0IXqIaNgtec

     

    J

  • by: MrsADD - 2 days 2 hours ago

    My husband is a good person at the core. Loving, affectionate, and faithful. He loves me and his kids and would die for us I am sure of that. He is a loving, playful and affectionate father. He is very smart and creative and ambitious. He is giving. These are the things I love about my husband. Due to his ADD which I did not realize was causing all the chaos in his life (and eventually mine) he is not a dependable person. Financially I lack trust even though he hit rock bottom a few years ago and has done really good with paying his share of the finances since. I never know his schedule for work or life in general. He puts efforts into making room in his schedule for his activities but does not put priority on family needs/schedules or my schedule. My goals, dreams or concerns or unimportant to him and he rarely listenes when I try to discuss. He is emotionally unavailable and pretty much unavailable for any discussion outside of his work or fishing. I never know when he will be home or if he is away on business until he is leaving for the trip that morning. I cannot schedule my own personal time well because I don't know his schedule (we have two small kids so this is why it is hard). Over the last 4 years after feeling like I have been walked all over I have finally created boundaries to keep his chaos "his" and out of my life. I feel very lonely most of the time as I do not feel like he is an engaged partner. It seems he is mostly a figurehead in our lives only. The kids are confused by his "randomness" and schedule and miss him a lot. The boundaries have helped me take back my life, enjoy activities I could not do before because I was always waiting for him to "help." The financial stresses are not as bad because I control the budget and keep a roof over our heads. I work and contribute equally financially. I was hoping the boundaries would solve my problems and then I could have a wonderful marriage and for the most part it has. But now I am left feeling as though having to have so many boundaries b/c you cannot trust the person you have committed your life to is lonely and depressing and I am not attracted to him any longer. How do you take care of yourself and still love the person you are protecting yourself against? I am trying to call up the days when we first met and our independence was cherished. But now that we are a family I long for someone to actually share the family with, to do things with, to know if I am sick or something happens I can call and actually get ahold of my spouse. Has anyone had this experience and how did you get through it to find a light at the end of the tunnel? How did you fall in love again after putting up so many walls to protect yourself? (Ironically enough while writing this my H's mother called and asked me if I knew why a Principal Investigator for the state was calling and asking her about my husband and his business. I just had to explain to not involve me and why to her which now she is having an anxiety attack over us getting divorced. I should have just said I don't know call him but I am so worked up today after him being unresponsive for two days while I was missing work and home with my sick kids I just let it all out at why her son is so hard to deal with! LOL the fun never stops)

  • by: dvance - 2 days 16 hours ago

    So most days most of us do okay with the lack of support or emotional connection in our marriages, or at least we have made our peace with it.  But then there are days where you think you are keeping all the balls in the air and one comes CRASHING down and you realize just how alone you are even when there is another supposed adult in the house.  That was my day today.  Four weeks ago I had back surgery.  It went great and I feel terrific.  The bill came in the mail.  Thank GOD for our terrific insurance (from my job) because the entire thing was $20,000 and we only owe $1900.  Now, understand I still can't just write a check for $1900 but it beats the heck out of the $20K.  So that is on my mind.  My two teen boys went back to school yesterday.  I went back today--so there are those moving pieces.  DH was out of town all last week and yesterday and today.   I am an Assistant Principal, so I was at school every moment of the past two weeks getting ready for teacher meetings, hiring new teachers--we hired two on FRIDAY for goodness sake, and they need help and support to get started.  So that has to be done.  I also teach 4 classes, so that planning has to be done.  My oldest son, age 17, sees a counselor for addiction (he OD'd in January and was in rehab for 6 weeks).  He sees the counselor every two weeks.  It costs $175 for each appointment and it is NOT covered by our insurance.  I have a google calendar that all 4 of us are on plus a white board calendar in the kitchen.  The last two counselor appointments, DS drove himself to--two weeks ago I had an evening school meeting and DH was out of town.  Two weeks before that was the day after my surgery and DH was out of town.  Tonight DS texts me at 7pm from his work that he thinks he has an appointment tonight but he is at work and can't go.  Sure enough--he had the appointment, but he had not put it on any calendar or told me about it and so I am charged the $175.  And down comes one of the many balls in the air.  I really cannot afford to pay that kind of money for nothing.  Bad enough I pay it at all, but at least DS gets something out of it.  And DH is out of town.  So all of this is on me.  Like always, but today it got to me.  I called the counselor and tried to explain and he was having none of it AND he does not send confirmations--not his policy.  Gee thanks--way to help out busy families.  And we have marriage counseling on Saturday and I don't even know what I would say because DH always blames whatever I have to say on the stress of my job.  Which cracks me up because I LOVE my job.  It is my dream job.  My principal is terrific to work for, we have a great staff this year, we hired some terrific teachers, I like my students.  I am actually good at my job.  People respect my 15 years of experience and 3 degrees at my job.  My job is not stressful.  My job is rewarding.  I love my job and I am good at my job.  How can two people have such completely different experiences of the same thing?  I think this marriage royally sucks and DH thinks it's fine.  

    So that was my rant.  The financial stuff worries me no end.  DH does not worry about anything as far as I can tell.  Last week we got a $980 bill for something else that DH didn't know about and he just left if for me--didn't even ask what it was or why we had that amount for that bill.  How strange is that.  I would be at least a teeny bit curious.  The missed appointment and money wasted really made me feel deflated and defeated.  We have so much debt already, it just kills me to see that much go out the door for nothing.

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 3 days 4 hours ago

    Those intense changes? Those ones I was so proud of for my H that he had accomplished over the past 3 weeks? Yeah... those... Another false start...

     

    And we are now back to our regularly scheduled - NORMAL programming. Back to the chain smoking and videos. No more projects (even though there is a long list of things he hasnt done in ages). he hasnt done his pushups that he committed too (not to me - to someone else). He never went back up to his 20 minutes on the elliptical (at least he is doing 15 I think - which is GOOD). He did some weights yesterday - not sure what his routine is, or if he is just going on the fly which is what I assume.

     

    But everything else? yeah... back to the same. I wanted to be proved wrong this time. And I dont think that is happening. Funny how much I WANT to be wrong - soooo very badly about so many things. The backyard is a mess from storms - today we have a small break in them so we will see if he steps up and cleans up. The back deck is a mess again, his nasty cigarettes and empty boxes, nothing straightened, just thrown everywhere...

     

    Same shit different day and he doesnt see it. Took him 3 days to clean the counters even though there were nasty dead flies on it (I didnt say a word until i finally got grossed out and asked him if he planned on cleaning the counter like he said he would).

     

    Soon - soon enough all will change. I hate that its all contingent on my sick dog - really messes me up to wish that I could just move forward, and knowing that means my dog will pass. When I DONT want that. I love that dog with my whole heart.

  • by: USAF Civil Servant - 3 days 23 hours ago

    I have never been formally diagnosed with ADHD, but based on my life history and my neuro-psych testing results "ADHD - highly probable", i believe that i have ADHD (inattentive).  My wife says that i don't try hard enough, that i'm not pulling my weight in the marriage.  She doesn't want to pay to have me tested so someone can us that i have ADHD, because i won't follow thru on anything a therapist suggests (go figure!).  She doesn't really understand ADHD and doesn't want to learn about it.  She says that i am just using it as a "get out of jail free" card when i neglect to do something.  What have others done to get their spouse to understand?

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 4 days 1 hour ago

    Dede  posted about this guy, and J also posted about him.  This video has REALLY opened my eyes quite a bit to how much trauma CAN affect someone.  So much of this sounds like the ADHD/ADD stuff as well.  I know for my H - what happened to him in childhood is a big precursor and aggravator to hi ADHD tendencies.  I suspect he would not have NEARLY the issues he has with his tendencies had he not experienced his CSA.

     

    This guy is describing EVERYTHING I could ever hope for my H.

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3PC8E8qC6o

     

    For those of you working hard on your issues, or who are scared to face them - listen to this guy.  He isnt flashy, he doesnt speak down to you, and he gives things straight up.    

     

    This is a FANTASTIC video for ANYONE who has struggled with ANY sort of trauma, including the trauma of having a spouse who ghosts you, lies to you, is unfaithful etc... this guys speaks to ALL of us.

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 4 days 2 hours ago

    Vabeachgal posted on an old blog post - and something got me thinking from the orignal poster's ideas.

     

    They were steps to a "better 2015" ....  this was #3

     

    "Resolution #3:  Teach yourself self-intimacy.

    Self-intimacy is the foundation of better communication between you and your partner.  It is the ability to identify all of your feelings, not just the ones at the surface, then express them in a constructive way.  So instead of saying “I’m angry!” you might learn to get in touch with what is underneath that anger and say “I’m angry, but really what I am is feeling hurt and left out.”  To improve self-intimacy, start by setting three times a day to reflect on how you are feeling at that moment, searching as deeply as you can.  Setting a reminder alarm will help you remember to do this.  (Hint:  You may think that you are good at this, but I have been humbled by how challenging it can be to identify your own deeper feelings rather than focus on telling your partner what he or she should be doing better!  So, even the most ‘in touch’ partners can use work in this area.)"

     

    As goofy as this might sound - I think its a pretty good exercise.  I was thinking about my earlier post this morning, and tried to start pin pointing what the real issue was inside that was causing this anger.  I know that from reading many of the stories here that my H - while he has his own demons and issues, has NOT treated me as obviously "bad" as others have had it here.  He has not cheated on me that I am aware of, and if I am sick - he will make sure I have things I need, such as medicine etc, something to drink etc.  In fact - I would say that there was actually a ton of good about him - even with the ADHD stuff. 

     

    For me - literally the BIGGEST problem I have is his issues of constantly having one foot in and one foot out.  That anytime he stumbles or makes a mistake (be it in his view or mine) its suddenly  - "well, I am broken, I concluded a long time ago this would not work".  And I look at that and wonder WHY then... WHY did you come back to my old house.  WHY did you tell me that you "knew" your life was with me?  Why the lie?  What did you gain?  Was it the lifestyle I provided? 

     

    When I think about that - it angers me, and so I try to get to the core of it.  And I guess  - what hurts me the most is how insignificant that makes me feel.  I have worked so hard, done so much to make things better for the both of us.  All my decisions and all the work I do has been with BOTH of us in mind.  And when he says things like that - all it makes me think is that he cares about whats easiest for him only.  That he doesnt even care enough about me to be one way or the other.  That makes me feel abandoned, like I trusted someone to be there and they aren't and they don't even feel BAD about it.  I know I am a decent person.  I have a good career, I am responsible, I try to do the right thing and do right by others.  I have literally almost ALL the same interests as my H does - so we *should* have a ton to talk about and a ton to do together.  I keep wondering - whats so wrong with me that I could have everything "right" on paper and yet he cant even find it in him to actually do any thing to stay with me.  He *said* thats what he wanted, he *said* he tried - but he didnt.  To him - all that I am, and all that I bring to the table - none of it is as important as something as insignificant as World of Warcraft?  Thats hurtful.  After everything I have done, sacrificed and put myself through FOR him - reading a book about his OWN CONDITION to perhaps make his MARRIAGE better is too much work?  Too much effort?  To "hard"?   So he just gives up? 

     

    Cowardice has always made me angry.  I guess because I am scared *ALL THE FREAKING TIME* about stuff - but I have to face it, push through or pay a worse price.  I am terrified of so many things, and yet - I know when pushing through is worth it.  I dont run, I am not a quitter.  And watching him... quit... over and over, watching him be "less than" all the time angers me.  It hurts me because I *DO* it.  I face the fears that he runs from.  He thinks that only he is affected by what happened to him as a child.  But thats not the case - ALL of us around him are, but he cant see it?  My experience is not nearly what his is - but I am certainly what is called a "secondary" victim.  As is his daughter, his mother etc.  But he runs away from it.  Leaves us to clean up his messes and manage things HE should be managing.

     

    In  many ways I am relieved that this will be over soon.  I wont have to live on those eggshells anymore.  I wont have to feel the stab in my heart every time he chooses to slip back down the hole further.  When he is gone, I will be able to put it behind me.  I will have to do alot of work to recover from this.  I feel like a PTSD victim after all this.  It hurts beyond believe that he can walk around with out feeling any of this.  Its absolutely NOT fair.  He is a vulture that skims off of others kills.  Never doing what it takes to get his own.  And the only care he gives is for as long as he gets some of that kill.  When its gone - so is he to the next one.

     

     

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 4 days 5 hours ago

    I consistantly have dreams about my soon to be ex H, and out of 7 years, I can count the times he was a positive presence in them on my hands (probably).  Last night I had a dream about him - and I am pretty sure it sums up so much of my frustration...

     

    In this dream, H wanted to make dinner, which I thought was nice.  However, he kept waitig and waiting to start cooking, so I asked if he wanted some help, or if maybe I should cook this time and him the next day etc - all met with irritation, eye rolls and "I am doing it".  So as he is cooking (finally) he kept getting distracted by his phone which left me to need to check on the meat he was making.  I asked him what it was, and he kept telling me it was a spiced meat etc, that he was going to make into rollups.  I kept trying to get him to tell me the KIND of meat it was, asking him every which way I could think of - even asking what animal it came from etc.  And I swear he was just trying to upset me by not answering.  So finally he said it was pork.  I looked at him and told him - but I dont eat pork - I havent eaten pork EVER (other than bacon - but bacon is meat candy!).  And he looked at me and said "yeah I know" and then got angry at ME because he picked pork to cook.  I wasnt even angry when he told me - just baffled and confused that he would make this - knowing I dont eat it.  And he got so pissed at ME!  He threw down the spatula, started cursing and saying things like "well I guess I am just an idiot"  "nothing ever pleases you" etc.  I was very confused, hurt that he was blaming me and all i wanted to do was just leave and get away from the house.

     

    As weird as that dream was - it sure does seem to sum up the relationship I have with H.  It depresses me.  Today stupid FB had one of those "memory" videos and had me and him in it.  It made me sad to see it.  I just let it scroll on by.  I watched it - but had no feeling about it other than - well that was bland.

     

    I am looking forward to rising up. Every day I remind myself who I am, and what my life WILL be.  Right now - my focus is on my sweet little dog, and when he is gone - it will be time for a final push to happiness.  And I know it will be hard, and I know it will take a long time.  Unlike my H - I truly was in love, truly loved him, and truly wanted to spend my life with him.  There is alot to let go of as he slips right back into all his old habbits  and falls away from me.  He will go down into the crevase on the mountain and i will keep climbing.  I feel like I have been trapped in this half world for 7 years... .  A place where I have been abandoned.  I know people have to go through bad times in their life - but I can honestly say the past 6 years have been the absolute most painful and worst years of my life.  Save for the bright times reuniting with my parents .... everything else has turned to ash.  And while I love my parents in law, and my step daughter with my whole heart - I know I have to let go of them too.  THAT hurts... they have been so good to me, and I swear if it wasnt for them - I would have left my current H before anything ever "started".

     

    Anyhow, coming here helps.  Helps me get my thoughts out, helps to hear the stories and read the feedback.  I know I can be high strung, but I like to think that I am open and willing to see and work on my own faults and issues.  Sometimes in my anger I can be blind to my own tendencies, and I dont want to be like that - even though my home is like living in a vaccume, I am relieved I can come here and actually TALK to people.  Crazy.  I wish I had that with my H.  So many things I wish....  But, wishing is for suckers-  at least in my current situation. 

     

    Funny thing is - I believe that he thinks he will be able to snap his fingers if he decided he wanted to stay.  He always is saying that about his exes (he is delusional - they have gone on and have pretty happy lives for them).  It is not gonna happen here.  I am committed to this ...breakup.  As much as it hurts, it could not hurt me more than having more years of this treatment, this in/out, hot/cold bait and switch he puts me through.  I have no more desire to be with someone who is so blinded by his own wants and desires that he cannot see the people around him.  I know he has issues, and he has real struggles - I would never belittle those.  However, he is CHOOSING to "keep" them, and I will not spend my life with his monsters and allow them to damage me further.

     

    My life - while its hard right now - will get infinitely better and easier when he is no longer actively able to hurt me.  I know that I will have a lot to overcome when he leaves, but at least I am doing the work NOW to bet me to that point. Unlike him - I WILL do the work to better myself and my life, and I will reap the rewards of doing it.

Pages