Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Overall, Is It Worth It? by: MXJ27 4 days 3 hours ago

    I have started reading Melissa's book and had built up so much hope just because she is totally describing my relationship.  It has made me feel like I am not crazy for wanting to stay in it - we are engaged, and I said yes because I *want* to marry him, I *want* to build a life together, but I still have doubts. Then I came to this forum and reading all these posts has me so despondent.  Is it worth all the work?  I stayed in my first marriage through years of his alcoholism because I believed in the commitment and I thought we could eventually work it out.  Then he left me to marry one of our best friends - yes I know, very cliche.  Now, I live with someone who, well, all of you have described quite thoroughly....so another cliche?  Don't read my other post because I obviously shared too much too soon thinking this was different than it actually is.  Can an engineer who thrives on her life and home being organized really make a marriage work with someone who self-describes as "ADHD AF" and thinks "clean" means most of the dishes are in the dishwasher but the rest are piled in the sink and the counters and floors have not been cleaned (just as an example)?  I was planning to register for the couple's seminar - is it worth the time and investment?

    As you consider answering, please know that I am happy with my fiancee 80% of the time.  The other 20% is driven by mess, disorganization, and finances.  And I do love him so much and can't imagine life without him.

  • Money Problems by: MXJ27 5 days 1 min ago

    ......

  • morning rage by: un12720 5 days 6 hours ago

    H is 67 years old and has untreated ADHD.  He has had a successful career and has recently retired.  

    In my opinion, he does not sleep well; there is a TV in his room, so when he awakens, the TV immediately is turned on, no matter the time.

    H is very agitated in the morning and becomes angry over insignificant things and basically goes on a screaming, profane rampage.  BTW! This is NOT new behavior.

    Would appreciate others' input.

     

  • Spouse is finally open to seeking behavioral therapy! by: moneypenny 1 week 5 days ago

    My husband was diagnosed about a year ago and is on medication #3 (Adderall) with some success. However, without behavioral therapy he's had the medication amount upped a few times and then it seems to wear off. He's struggled to find solid, reliable talk therapy and was feeling very frustrated until recently. My own therapist has extensive experience in adult ADD specifically with a trauma base, and she agreed yesterday during our session to let me bring him to my next one with her in a week. I had planned to find a new therapist who was more available so I am happy to transfer her to him if it goes well while I find a new one, and let him make progress with her. My hope is bubbling over that this is the beginning of transforming our marriage, young as it is (four years), so we can avoid a marriage of rocks and fractures all because of the ADD symptoms.

  • focus on the trash by: jennalemone 2 weeks 1 day ago

    My H has a focus on garbage.  He gets enraged every Saturday at me because he feels like I don't process the "throw aways" correctly.  He literally sits on the floor of the kitchen with the 2 garbage bags and sorts, rips labels off glass containers, shreds, and categorizies every fine piece for over 30 minutes.  He is always FUMING at me while he does this because I don't do this.  

    I have a choice.  I can do it his way (which to me seems out of proportion of time spent for trash) or..

    I can let it be and let him have the ownership of the garbage duty.  As it is, every Saturday he steams and cusses and slams thing. He cannot talk about it.  He is a hoarder. He tells me I must re-use Saran Wrap and when he takes it off a dish from the fridge, he folds it and puts it in a drawer. 

    Do I teach him that if he cusses at me that I will do things his way? Or do I keep my dignity and go about my own business of cleaning the rest of the house?  

    Do I spend my time categorizing the trash to keep the peace? Shall I take my own trash out clandistinely and bring my trash to the county dump myself...thereby taking the chore away from him? Do I just endure the slamming and hating?

    I know there is no correct answer.  I know that consistancy is the best policy since change upsets him.  But the slamming and cussing upsets me.  

    There is no talking about this. He has been stonewalling me for months. I refuse to start a discussion about it because it always starts a fight. My muscles are sore from tensing up and stuffing everything and knowing things are not good.

    Just sharing because I need to share this morning. I can't know if he is having personal problems in his head or if he is so furious with me. He won't talk.

  • Lost Power by: bowlofpetunias 2 weeks 3 days ago

    No, the hurricane had nothing to do with it.  It was because of unpaid bills.

  • Waiting, and trying to hold on by: LaceyLou 2 weeks 4 days ago

    I came across the book, and likewise this site after walking away, yet again, in a flurry of frustration with my husband. I am desperate to make us good again. I miss us! 

    He doesn't even have an official diagnosis yet, we've met with our Dr and have an appointment for an eval by a psych, however, after reading the book and clicking through these forums, and my experience with my 8 year old with ADHD, there I no question in my mind. 

    It was brought to my attention to explore the option when, due to distraction, he made a mistake that could have taken the life of my 3 year. I thank God every day that it all turned out okay, but now I can't shake it and everything he forgets, loses, etc sends me straight over the edge! 

    I need all of your best tips for getting to, and through to a level, good spot, because i know it will take time after his appointment and i absolutely do not like the person i have become with my husband, but I'm also just so so exhausted of being the "caretaker" as well!

  • Lost....needing advice by: Andie 2 weeks 6 days ago

    I have been with my husband for 17 years married for 15 yrs. He had an affair 2014, we reconciled  and moved to make afresh start. Our son (14 yes) was confirmed ADHD just a few short months ago 

    Our  marriage has been up and down our arguments the same pattern.

    My husband started another affair just a couple of months ago. He said he'd had enough of the marriage and the constant arguments.

    I came across the article about ADD and marriage. It was as if the article had been written while in my home. Everything was down to a tee. I sent it to my husband. He doesn't think he has it. I brought the book and ended up  reading it In one day.

    It gave me hope that there was a chance to save this relationship. My husband said he doesn't think that with all the negative things that have happened that he can't see himself with me. 

    I asked him to stop seeing this other person so that we maybe able to work on our issues. He wants to live a life of seeing other women. 

    Is this type of behavior apart of the ADD. Or not.

    I do not have the comfort of a family even his, as they believe that even if he has ADD it doesn't mean to say that the marriage is broken because of the pattern.

    He said he will read the book and also go to see a counselor that we both went to see. It wasn't a good meeting.  He sends mixed messages I said he is the love of my life,which he reciprocated the counselor asked him to stop because of how it was upsetting me. And that's when she said about the mixed messages. She even asked if he would consider not seeing this other person until we had dealt with our situation. That I was still his partner and it was hurting me. He said he didn't think so.

    We didn't speak for 3 days (he is staying elsewhere) he dropped off our son and asked to talk. He can't see use working if we got back together to much hurt. However he did say he would read the book and see the counselor.

    He has also seen the pattern at work. 

    What can I do  I am still in love with him. But I hurt so much, it feels like dropping out of a race just as you get to the finish line. All the steps are there to rebuild our relationship.

    He went away this weekend he told our son with a friend that means a female. Its hard

    Should I hold back and see what happens with the counselor and the book. Or should I just walk away. I told him that if there was no reconciliation then I will not be interested in any type of communication, apart from the practical things that can be done via texts. It will hurt to much for me to see him.

    Help please, suggestions,ideas, words of advice 

     

     

  • Bad Behavior by: sadapples 3 weeks 1 day ago

    Melissa's last newsletter was about "bad behavior." https://www.adhdmarriage.com/newsletter/news-1-5

    I found this came at the perfect time as I'm trying to forgive my husband (ADHD spouse) for some awful things he had said and done to me.

    (Very) Long story short, my business is closing at the end of September and we have to personally file for bankruptcy. After working with a business advisor, it came to my attention that I was taken advantage of by the bank and my ex-business partner whom I purchased the business from. I take full accountability for my own mistakes in not doing more research beforehand and trusting too easily. Now this business partner gets to walk away with a million dollars and we're losing our home. The universe is unfair. When I first shared this news with my husband, he was very supportive and understanding. However, since then, we've been getting hit with more bad news after the other. Most recently, we found out that my father-in-law has cancer and has a 50/50 chance of surviving after surgery. The responsibility to take care of him and his end of life planning will most likely fall on us. 

    Understandably, my husband is feeling overwhelmed by emotions, mostly a loss of control over his life. For the most part, we are able to talk openly about our feelings and try to support each other. However, the other night he lost control over his emotions. He expressed his anger at me by calling me stupid and careless; blamed me for ruining our lives and the life of our unborn daughter (yes, to make matters more complicated we're expecting our first child in a few months). He told me he wanted to punch me in the face and choke me. This is the first time he has ever expressed wanting to hurt me physically. I was scared, but another part of me tuned him out because I had become so numb to all the drama. A little part of me thought that if he did hurt me, I maybe deserve it for fucking up our lives so badly. He did not hurt me. After he left the room, I went for a drive to clear my head. I decided to drive to my parent's cabin to spend the night away from him. During my drive there, he called and demanded I come home or else I would regret what was going to happen next. He made these vague threats and I didn't really know what he meant, but I definitely knew I didn't want to go back home. Then he texted me and told me I had to be home by midnight, no exceptions. He said that that was his only warning and I had to make my choice, and that he hopes I'm happy with what I get. I eventually went home, spent the night in a different room, locked the door and avoided him until he went to work the next morning. 

    The next morning he texted me that he regret feeling the ways he did. That he wants to be a more tolerant person, but is wounded. He loves me and hoped that I would have a better day. 

    So... what do I make of this? To me, this isn't a real apology. He harps on me for saying "I'm sorry, but...(explanation of my behavior)." Lately, I've come to accept the fact that I will not always get an apology from my ADHD spouse and must choose to forgive anyway. Forgiveness is a decision, not a process that begins with the other person accepting responsibility for their wrongdoings. I appreciated this quote that Melissa included in her newsletter: 

    “Bad behavior is the language of the wounded.  You can hate the behavior and still love the person.  That leaves room for forgiveness.” -Jane Fonda

    I love my husband. I see that he is wounded, but I hate his behavior (threats of violence, manipulation, etc.). 

    Where do you draw the line between excusable behavior and abuse? Where do you draw the line between forgiving and reinforcing negative behavior? 

    Thanks for reading. Please send positive vibes my way. Sometimes the universe is fucked out of balance, but I'm hopeful for equilibrium soon. 

  • In thanks by: Sollertiae 3 weeks 3 days ago

    The dweeb called me yesterday (us being long distance) in the best mood he has been in since work spiralled and he had a three weeks of utter ADHD overwhelm which resulted in him calling me so screamingly angry he almost always hung up in frustration.

    Let me emphasise - it was never, ever at me. I was mostly worried for his distress.

    He had been reflecting on what he knows about anxiety (as close as he can get to admitting he is crippled by it), where he went wrong and partaking in a lot of exercise to balance out his poorer coping tactics (un medicated is hard).

    At one point in this exploration he stopped and very suddenly turned and thanked me for realising his anger was not about me, for understanding he simply couldn't keep it in and not being scared (I gave him advice on good things to punch), for not lecturing him on suddenly drinking too much and simply letting him start to process sans judgement  or pressure to act.

    He then dodged off into a short tangent about the fact he values that I don't get into screaming matches with him, even if we disagree. For not triggering his worst behaviour and anxiety and his inner 'parent dynamic' (his parents are a warning poster for bad, undiagnosed ADHD relationships), which he has spent a decade fighting off.

    Oh, and thanks for a hilarious 20 pairs of cheap heart shaped glasses for cheering (my one intervention I allowed myself).

    I was not expecting any of that. But well.. it gives me joy.

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