Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • "As needed" by: bowlofpetunias 6 hours 29 min ago

    My wife finally got a prescription for Methylphenid 5mg.  It is a 5mg dose, which I assume is low to start of with and see how it works before building up.

    The psychiatrist said she should take it "as needed."  She doesn't know what "as needed" means and has not taken it because she does not feel that she has needed it.  She is also worried about possible side effects.

    My understanding of all psychiatric drugs is that you need to take them consistently for several weeks before you notice any results.  Also, you need to take a drug before you can decided if it works and if it causes side effects.

    It seems like yet another dead end.

    By the way, she lost her car key over a week ago and has been using my key to her car.  I can't use my car if hers is behind mine in the driveway.  If she takes my car, I am stranded because I can't use her car.  I have asked her to get a replacecement key, but she has not.  I keep asking me to send me information to handle an IRS problems since she has not gotten around to it, yet she never sends it to me!  How much more "as needed" does she need???

  • Do they ever miss you by: Loopdaloop 16 hours 16 min ago

    My 2.5 year relationship with undiagnosed adhd partner ended last week.So many issues discussed on this forum were experienced, lack of employment, lack of focus on most things unless it was fun ideally playing cricket/cycling/rugby, attention seeking aka flirting, l ask of empathy most of the time.
    Yet he could be a highly likeable guy who wanted me to move in, I wanted to be with him but there was no compromise no clarity given on financial status extremely tight at times with no interest in home maintenance/decor yet found money for a lads only ski holiday, mum with dementia giving him money monthly. I think he thought me renting out my house would allow him extra cash and further take the pressure off him to work. 
    But I digress it's the same sad old story many of us have had. What I want to know is since the breakup, there is no emotion involved at all for him, not cold but almost like I mean nothing. Is this how they operate?

    It saddens me, but I'm suspecting he would be the type that would move on immediately, whilst I consider myself highly empathetic and have reflected a lot on my behaviour, there doesn't seem any of that with him. 

  • So confused, exhausted & hurt. by: Is_there_hope_left 1 day 9 hours ago

    Hello everyone. I am new here. I am so grateful for the internet and that I’ve come across this page and forum. I have been reading so much and a lot of things are starting to make sense now. My story: I’m a non ADHD wife who’s been married for only 11 months. Our journey together has been a ROLLER COASTER. 3 different councilors and finally this 4th one has diagnosed my husband with ADHD. He should be getting on medication writhing a few weeks. I am really praying that this would be the missing piece. I feel like I am in a emotionally abusive relationship, he could be so cold and mean. I also feel manipulated. I recently got sick and he was upset because according to him he doesn’t wanna see me like that. I feel so unsupported by him. Sometimes I also feel like I’m being used. He’s only interested in what he likes to do which means watch tv, gym, Etc and for the rest I have to basically argue with him then he says I’m controlling and mothering him. My daughter who is 6 from a previous relationship is also now being affected by his behavior. She has been apologizing to me on his behalf and says she feels bad that he is mean to me. He says my relationship with my daughter triggers him and he can’t be around both her and I. He has unhealed past trauma but don’t we all ?!! I can tell he is bothered by her and shuts down. He says it’s too hard for him coming into a blended family. I really feel stuck and divorce has been on the table maybe that’s why now he’s saying he wants to get on medication. When I talk to him he says he doesn’t understand what I mean. He says he doesn’t understand feelings but I’m confused because he understood when he met me. When I try to talk to him he goes off on me and says that I am attacking him and I explain that I’m not and that we are on the same page and need to be able to communicate. People have started noticing and I feel ashamed. I’ve tried talking to others and they recommend that I leave him. Most of the things I’ve read on here describe him. Like we’d be out and he looks perfectly fine and then we get home and he’s feeling down and doubting himself (maybe he thinks people can see the REAL him). That's the only time he actually feels bad when he feels exposed, so he'll feel down for a few days and I go comfort him and once he's back to feeling good he starts being an A hole again. Is there hope with medication ? Is it a normal response to a child ? I don't know what to think anymore. I really don't see a future if he can't get along with my daughter. 

  • New to the group, need some kind of reassurance by: B m 2 days 19 hours ago

    I will start by saying I have ADHD, and I a married to a.man who also has ADHD. I am the one who takes on the role of the non-adhd spouse. We have 1 child together. He was diagnosed in childhood but didn't want to stay on meds. He has been on meds.for about a year now.   I was diagnosed in adolescence, stayed on meds for the last 16 years and don't feel as though I have any major struggles with functioning in my day to day life. I am not perfect.  I hate cleaning, and often don't acknowledge or notice messes as they accumulate. This is a frequent point of criticism from my spouse, but as I take on every other area of our lives I feel like I overcompensate for this flaw. I manage the finances, i cook every meal we eat, I am the primary caregiver for our child, I work full time and am the primary breadwinner, I manage all schedule and am responsible for all the planning of everything we do as a family. I am a planner that is how I manage my life. I am prone to distraction, I love to read and frequently get lost in a book - a trait I've only returned to in the last couple years. I am married to someone that I regularly feel hates me. He doesn't have ADHD the same way I do. I fully acknowledge that and realize his strengths lie entirely in different areas than me.  But the past year and a half has been awful. According to him I'm a nag, always harping on him for one thing or another. I'm going to fast forward this post a bit to explain the real issue I'm having, otherwise I feel I will go on forever. I'm not doing this situation justice but for expedience sake I'll get to it. A little over 1 year ago, my husband left me. We started marriage counseling in September 2020 after our problems seemed insurmountable, and December 6th, 2020 while I was making breakfast he just left. The story is long, found out our entire marriage was nothing but lies, he was actively pursuing avenues to cheat on me during the beginning of marriage counseling. He was addicted to pornography for our entire 8 years of being together and that's why he never bothered to have sex with me more than twice a year (despite lies to the contrary). He was actively searching for hookups/dating prospects on dating sites during our first weeks of marriage counseling - while telling me he wants to work on it. He badmouthed me to his friends - of same and opposite sex, he'd frequently go to confide in his opposite sex friends to tell boldface lies about me. We had 1 moment of true honesty in October when he came clean to me about his pornography use, constant lying, etc. He had a traumatic childhood - I won't go there. Ultimately that was his coming mechanism. When. He left in December he said he felt he was being attacked in therapy, refused to go anymore. Felt I was a vindictive wife who was unwilling to help him when he was miserable - he racked up 8k in debt on a secret credit card and I expected him to pay it - even though it meant he couldn't afford cigarettes etc. He felt I just didn't care if he suffered. I wanted my marriage to work and accepted his perceptions. That I wasn't doing all I could as a wife, I was a bad nag of a wife with unreasonable unattainable expectations. I expected of him what I expected of myself but that was wrong.  Anyway despite the words that loved me, missed me, wanted it to work out for us - even when he came home he continued to meet up with/talk to  a woman he lied to me about and of course I found out - after all I'm a psychotic control freak that only cares about controlling him. I spoke to her, she was never interested in him like that, but it was his attempts to engage her in that type of relationship that hurt so much. I don't know if I've just ignored it up until this point, believing that my inadequacies drove him to it, etc. But I have tried everything in the past year to make it work outside of a legimate counselor because th counselor made him feel attacked. I have read any book I could find. Attempted with great effort to apply the principles in my marriage. I feel like I have tried to change everything about my very self - all to no avail. I;ve tried EFT, not allowing myself to show my anger, being receptive to his criticism, allowing myself and feelings to be ignored after any and every attempt to convey how I am feeling. After his most recent emotional abuse/abandonment episode this past weekend where he screamed in my face that he would fuck me up if I ever spoke bad to our kid about him again ( which I did not do, apparently she told him he was a liar and mommy didn't like liars after I reprimanded her for lying to me about something she did that afternoon) and he proceeded to tell he was done with me, storm off and leave without talking any further than screaming that at me, and blocked my number and decided he was divorced now on Facebook. (I say abuse because it is. I know he has ADHD but that does not excuse his frequent disregard for my pleas to stop his emotional outbursts toward me. He just tells me I'm too sensitive when I say I can't be spoken to with so much disdain every time we attempt to talk about any issue. I just can't handle what I deserve according to him.)

     

    He then decided he wanted to talk to me the day after.  In which he found out I never said what I accused of because our daughter told him. I'm not to be believed but a  4 year old apparently is. Now he is sorry. He overreacted. And I am suddenly stuck on 1 year ago. On my attempt to come to terms with getting a divorce after my lastest shunning after all attempts I have ever made to be heard I revisited my feelings from last year. My feelings that I guess I just threw under the bridge in an attempt to save my marriage. Of him actively pursuing a specific woman. Telling me he wanted to work out our issues while telling her she's beautiful etc. One set of their messages sticks out to me. Telling me he is so in love with me -days after coming home telling me he's committed to me etc and telling  her just an hour or so later 'good morning gorgeous'. It's probably my ADHD that is so hyper focused on that now but - it's there. I can't get it to go.away now. It's there and i am not dealing with it well.  I don't understand how -if he loved me as he says he does - could he do that. 

     

    I think what really bothers me is that in my heart I know that if she would have been receptive to his advances and not friend zoned him from the get go, he wouldn't have 'chosen' me. He would have picked any woman that would give him any sort of attention over me. And I am afraid he still will. He's just waiting for a better option to come along.

  • Positive Report from Non ADHD Spouse by: C-love 4 days 9 hours ago

    I am somewhat new to this forum. I do check it every morning. It has saved me and my marriage. I am grateful to have found Melissa's book and site. I would like to give a positive report from the Non ADHD spouse to give possible hope to others. 4 months ago I had no hope and was planning my escape in my new marriage of almost 3 years. I went from depression, severe anxiety, anger and bitterness to content and hopeful in the last 4 months. I read Melissa's book last year. I was still bitter and resentful. My husband then got medicated which we are still fixing. Things got a bit better and I tried to follow Melissa's advice and perspective. My hurt and pride still stood in the way as I couldnt change my end. I still pointed out everything  I needed from him, pointed out when he didnt see me or pay attention. I would get upset, cry, withdraw, look at him differently etc.  He was aware of the ADHD impact but still thought I should deal.  At this point he has PTSD from me as the angry wife and I have zero respect for him. Both my husband and I are Christ followers. We are both recovered alchoholics/addicts. We both know eachother's history and grew up together. We both are on our third marriage with a messy blended family. Our faith has kept us marching forward, however it still didnt feel like enough. I had two choices. I could leave another marriage and find another man with different baggage. I could stay committed because my commitment to God and the institution of marriage is more important than my commitment to my husband.  I have always done marriage from a selfish standpoint. I have never loved selflessly. If I am honest, I am upset most of the time because of what I am not getting from him.  I am upset that my dream marriage the third time didnt happen. I do however truly like my husband. He drives me nutty but I like him, who he is etc. I had to keep coming back to that and my commitment. I had to let go of my pride and ego and be obedient in love the way God wants me to. This is my experience and what is happening now in my marriage. This may not work for everyone.  Here is the shift that happened. 

    1- I am kind always or try to be. I force it until it happens. I give him a ton of GRACE. I wake up or try to with a soft tone and positive outlook

    2- We have leaned in to eachother instead of away. When a symptom appears and I notice it, I pause. For instance a rant he goes on, in the middle of me telling him something. He interrupts me most of the time. Old me would say "Babe, you totally just cut me off. Can you not do that, seriously". New Me-  Let him finish then sit for a min. He looks at me. "What?". Me-" I was talking babe. I love you, you interrupted me." Him- "Oh shoot I am sorry, i will work on it, what were you saying?"    -   The recent shift of me with a gentle response and throwing in an I love you, has made a world of difference. His ego is very very fragile. He takes anything I point out as I dont love him anymore or will stop. My tone and words have changed it entirely. It does require me to give a ton of Grace. I should state that is not my natural personality. I certainly have to train myself to be gentle and gracious only with Gods help

    3- I have made two note cards that hang in our bathroom. On his side says "My wife loves and thinks I am".... There are 10 awesome qualities I think of my husband. I asked him if he could tell me 10 things he thinks and loves about me - The same hangs on my side of the mirror in our bathroom. This visual has been huge in our fighting. Most of our fights happen in our bedroom. There have been so many times I have walked past those reminders ready to go into battle and stopped myself. 

    4- I have fully accepted For Better or For Worse.  The reality is I signed up for better or for worse. That includes mental challenges. ADHD brains are brilliant and messy. My brain is high functioning, OCD, PTSD, High Anxiety.  He has to deal with my stuff just as much as I have to deal with his. I read in one blog "Only one crazy person at a time please"   I put myself on the same playing field as my husband. I share with him my struggles with his symptoms  Me- " Can you help me for a second? I am having a hard time with your symptoms. I fell stupid that I have to ask you for intentional time, to see me or desire me. So this is me being vulnerable trying not to flip out and lean in and work together.  I need your help because my brain is feeling crazy".  He immediately puts his cape on and saves my day.  I love watching him reach down to find the ability to be there for me. It has made me see him in a new light. It has also made him see how much more he is really capable of within his mind. It has empowered my husband to feel equal to me and not less than. I have spent two years pointing out his weaknesses.  I have to rebuild what I have torn down and this has helped. 

     

    5- I daily try and compliment my husband at least three times a day. I try and notice even the smallest thing and compliment it. He is hearing more positive than negative now.  When I do this he try's harder than ever to be a good husband to me. The positive reinforcement works

    6- GRACE & PATIENCE- Last night was his birthday. He was a mess mentally. I could tell he didnt enjoy it.  Him- "I am sorry, I am so uncomfortable right now and stressed out. I dont know whats happening. I dont feel right in my head".  Me- "It's ok babe. I love you."  Him- "Really?" Me- "Yep really. I love you and your uncomfortable messy brain"   The look on his face that I have accepted him and still love him broke my heart I hadnt been doing this sooner. My pride/resentment/unacceptance and selfishness all stood in the way. 

    Last night ended with him asking to snuggle, him reaching out to me and loving on me like I needed. He asked we didnt talk. I respected that. I am not going to be perfect at this. I feel so much more content now that I am being obedient in loving the way God wants me to. I am also less self focused and in return I feel more loved. I am only month 1 of this working after 2 years of wanting to leave. I see him different. I see how hard he is trying now. The thing is he never tried this hard until I made the shift and rocked the boat. Someone has to give and its ok that its me first. 

     

    I hope this gives some hope. I could be reporting something different next month, who knows! In the meantime I am taking Gods advice and utilizing Melissa's steps. My depression has lifted and my family has noticed I am different. They keep waiting for the Nag to come back but so far she is quiet. I hope to keep it that way.

     

    Sending lots of prayers to those struggling.  

  • Help - Parenting with an ADHD Partner by: efva 6 days 8 hours ago

    I need help and I do not know where to turn. I am at the point where I have become resentful of my spouse and my resentment builds inside with frustration and then comes out in unhelfpul ways. And I acknowledge that this is one of the pieces of the puzzle. But I need help beyond that. My partner and I have been married for 7 years, and we have a 5 year old son. We were living abroad while I did my phd and returned home recently and my wife resumed her medical work while I transitioned into work too. My biggest challenges as a partner are two-fold: i feel like my needs are not recognized in the relationship. Along with my not having done a great job communicating them, this neglect comes from my partner. The second is that my wife is not consistent in helping our family into structured routines and attending to our child. While she is a loving mother, she is not consistent, and I constantly feel like I have to be the attentative consistent partner, while my wife is checked out. I had an outburst about this a while ago in the car, while my wife was on the phone and my son kept saying that he had to pee and that it was coming out. Granted my wife was checking something with a family friend about my other's illness and checking on a test to get done for my ill mother. When I burst out with the idea that our son needs his mom, she got angry and said i made a big deal and said our son could be a little in his pants it's not a catastrophe and we could deal with it later. I get that. It's not a catastrophe. But I feel like I am constantly the parent who is making sure that our son is well fed, that he goes to the bathroom on time especially if we have to go somewhere without a bathroom, or that we are packing food him, while my wife is doing more important things, more sexy things I call them. She accused me of being forced to neglect our child because she was helping my mother and tending to her, and while I appreciate that, that's not what is going on. Last night she was on the phone with friends abroad at 10 on a video call for half an hour while my son was on the phone, all when it was time to sleep. And then our son went to sleep late, and of course waking up was difficult. And then there''s always another plan to make, someone who needs help. She wanted to check up on another family friend for five minutes today when we were coming back home in the evening after a long day. There's just always something more to distract her. Miultiple text message conversations. We have to do this we have to do that. And as sokmeone who grew up with a neglectful mother, it hurts me deep, what feels like neglect of our child, and what feels like neglect of me, because after three weeks at home with our son while he was on vacation from school, I told her I am done and tired, and when she comes back home i need time to myself to relax, to take care of myself, to do my own stuff. But then there's a thousand things that come up when she's back and my needs are forgotten. We have to go meet X. Y is sick we have to check up on them. And it feels like I am being strung along playing catching up, attending to our son, trying to make sure he doesn't spend too much time on the phone. Because she doesn't have the patience, and now the energy after work to play, my son's time with her is often time on the phone, except in bed at night when she is talking to him. And she accused me of being old fashion and being bothered now that she is working, and that's not it either. I need her to be present to us once she is back home. Not on her phone. Not in some other place, with a thousand other plans people to talk to things to do, no matter how important they may seem to her. At this point I'm not even talking about the drawers left open, the piles of clothes strewn in the corner of hte room, the shoes that are left where they are dropped, the messy car. All that I can let go, But our son needs her to do better, and he deserves better, and I feel like I am getting exhausted being the available parent, and I don't have that much of an available parent in me to do this day after day. I need time to work, I need time to rest, and of course I am frustrated. Our son suffers, and I suffer too. I have refused to have a secnd child till now, because we had ours in difficult circumstances the first time around, and after seeing our life the past two three years, I can just imagine how hard it would be to parent a second child with her. She says she wants one. Everytime she brings it up I wanna scream I cant have another one with you, I'm a good father with this one with great difficulty, and I'm depleting my admittedly limited emotional mental physical energy doing right this one and making up for your mental absence, I dont have more to give to a second one. There's just too much impulsiveness, too much distraction, too much going on, and all that is overwhelming for me, as someone who needs order and structure and consistency, and I understand my limitations there too because of my needs, but it feels like we are running trains going in opposite directions right now. And then yesterday she had a suddent burst of energy about things she wanted us to do. She wanted to be more involved, she wanted our son to eat without the telly, she wanted him to say hello to whoever we met, etc etc. Like anyone can have a revolution in all these routines after a half hour declaration of intent. And today we are back to the standard chaos. And when i say it feels like chaos and it's a mess and she is absent and all over the place, she says give me the proof, and if i give proof, then it's all important things she is doing, and we are stuck nowehere in the conversation. She was diagnosed with adult adhd like 6 months ago and was put on non-stimulant meds cuz those were the only ones that worked on her. But i feel like i'm at the end of my energy and patience, and things haven't gotten a whole lot better, and there isn't acknolwedgement of how she is, what challenges it raises for us, a commitment to do better o nher part, greater empathy for my needs. And i have no one to talk to about this - no one who understands. Am i experiencing something real and legitimate even? Or am i being crazy and unreasonable, the bad partner, the one who fails to communicate their needs, the one who is not understanding and appreciative??? I'm tired

  • Question on low sex drive for ADHD Husband by: C-love 6 days 8 hours ago

    First let me say I love this forum. It has saved me the last few months of wanting to walk out of my marriage. I have felt no so alone and understood for the first time.  I am the Non ADHD Spouse and married almost 3 years to my recently diagnosed ADHD Husband. The last month I have waived the white flag and decided I needed to accept the reality of my marriage and my relationship. Since I have made the shift of giving my husband the benefit of the doubt, grace, mercy and love he has worked harder than I have seen on his symptoms.  My question has to do around being a female and the lack of sex, desire in our relationship. My husband is a funny guy and loves joking around making sexual comments. Usually about what he would like done to him. I have pointed out over and over I need to hear stuff to ya know. He tries and has been successful. He knows we have different sexual requirements. I am more of a 3 times a week gal at 46 years old. I also eat well, workout and dont have ADHD. He on the other hand has a hard time motivating past anything other than work and school. (He went back to finish his degree).  I need to emphasize once again we have open communication on all things ADHD. So much so that I have to pull back from educating him on all I have learned. I have heard more times in the last month from him acceptance of his ADHD and what he is working on to be a better husband. This has given me so much hope.  With that said he has a timer on his phone for a Sex check in with me.  He only needs sex once a week so for him this is his way of checking in on me. He is 70%  consistent  here. The problem is as a female I feel pathetic. He lavishes me with compliments on how hot I am, how in shape , blah blah blah. That is all great but when it comes down to it, then why isnt he coming onto me more? I have had the hardest time with this for two reasons. 1- I have always been the one to push off sex in my previous marriage and relationships. This is the first time I feel like I am chasing to be desired, wanted and have him come onto me. 2- I feel so rejected and suffer from PTSD due to Narcassistic Trauma Abuse /Neglect.  My husband triggers me more times a day in these areas than I can count. If it wasnt for my relationship with God and doing marriage his way I wouldnt be here due to the extreme neglect I feel constantly. 

    The catch on all of this is I am highly discerning. So much so that I can see my husbands struggle internally daily. This helps me give him grace but it also stumps me when I see him "Fake it until he makes it " with sex. I should say that I have been a drippy faucet nag for almost 2 years. Not until this last month have I changed the cycle.  My husband seems to always be tired, doesnt excercise or eat well so it all backfires with his ADHD. Although he is medicated we need to tweak the meds it seems.  I should also say he hates planning anything. He is working on his symptoms and I have told him we should plan sex nights. He says yes and then the time comes and he feels all this pressure and I cave and say never mind and have a pity party for myself. Honestly I have spent most of my life ensuring I am psychically fit and look good.  This has been the first time I have so desired to be more beautiful on the inside. My husband's biggest complaint is that he is never enough for me. He asks me every 2 hours if i am mad at him, am I ok, telling me what he accomplished etc.  He has extreme PTSD from me being so unhappy, critical and a nag. I know it will take time for him to see me differently. It is so hard for me to not be affected by his lack of attention towards me at all. I am in a desperate search for my autonomy and independence. It is hard as I have my own issues that I have brought in the marriage.  I feel like walking away from tantrums, not analyzing our marriage at every corner or defending myself is laziness but it seems to be working. How do I stop feeling so neglected as a female wanting sex from her husband? I need a mindset change as his drive is just different than mine. I am not sure I even want the sex as much as I just want to feel close to him. I should say he has been practicing lingering with me longer. He will come over and give me a kiss and gaze into my eyes for a few seconds and say I love you. This is so sweet and what I am looking for but isnt authentic. I can tell its uncomfortable for him. I can tell he is doing something that doesnt come natural and I shouldnt take personal but do. 

    How do I look at the sex differently? How do I plan it when he doesnt want to plan? The planning of anything is too much pressure for him. I guess I am still trying to accept it.  I am committed to my marriage doing it Gods way. I am committed to God first than my marriage. I couldnt do it the other way any longer. That was the shift I have made however my mindset is still stuck.

     

  • Inattentive ADHD. Consequences for Their Actions That Harm Others. by: ADHDWE 1 week 14 hours ago

    Hello ADHD Marriage.  I really hope you allow this to post.  I'm in a great deal of emotional pain.  I need others to know what it's like being a non ADHD.  I'm not blaming.  I know I have work to do.  Yet, I am experiencing some hard times.

    I have a friend and business partner who has ADHD.  I've known him for 23 years.  We are in business together and we cannot separate the business for financial reasons. 

    Rare is it for psychologists to examine the complexity of how the non ADHD is left cleaning up after the ADHD partner's mistakes, literally and figuratively.  Put aside the oft ADHD's instigating behavior, the blaming, the denial of doing something that causes themselves or others damage.  The books I've read will tell the non ADHD persons not to enable those with ADHD, not to fix their mistakes, to be patient, calm, encouraging, yet the inattentive type ADHD that will not change is, well, not going to change. 

    1.  My business partner and friend, aka BPF, eats my food from refrigerator, stove, counter, pantry.  I've asked him to stop many times. I've worked with him ad nauseam with notes, agreements, counseling, kudos; he is 68 years old.  He still does it and offers defensive excuses each time, projects and I go from victim to him crying victim. Nuff said. 

    Here's my NEW proven tactic THAT WORKS with him and my food.  Last week he ate my food, a half of a pot of cooked white rice on stove intended for my sick dog. I calmly announced to him that if he did that again, as much as I DO NOT want to, that I would mirror his food behavior back him, so that he could feel what I feel.   I told him that I did NOT want to resort to this tactic, but that I thought I had better be honest with him to let him know what was on my mind and that I'm at the end of my rope with him eating my food.  I told him this is the best I can do, considering all other tactics have failed.  

    Well...

    Sure as the sun rises, he did it again a week later. So rather than get upset, I was finally able to mirror his behavior and it felt great!  I emptied a gallon of his milk down the drain. I told him about it.  He became angry at me.  (this was a safe calculated risk by the way.  I wouldn't try this with someone unstable).   He was upset, and I reminded him of my warning.  I simply told him that "when you mess with my food, then I will mess with yours."   Yes.  He was mad at me for awhile.  Though it was a powerful turning point.  I have begun mirroring him on incorrigible behavior and its working to his inconvenience, and to my resolution, to a point where is is now REMEMBERING to NOT eat my food, hence the consequence.

    Folks, this is but a small condolence to me.  Compared to the other major oil spills I still clean up after him on a weekly basis.  Come on and give us non ADHD persons a little love.  It's not all- ways about the one with ADHD.  For me and my BPF, its like living with a bull in a china shop. He has his good sides, though, I'm really trying to cope too.  If I seem angry and bitter, its because I am! 23 years of fixing his mistakes.  This is akin a student driver in a car and the teacher having to grab the steering wheel of the car to prevent the student from driving in to a tree.  We non ADHD's cannot always stand back to let ADHD inattentive's wreck the car.  It's just NOT that easy.

     

    2.  BPF dumped a bowl of un-popped corn kernels in the dishwasher.  I did not enable him, but asked him to clean them out of the dishwasher cavity.  He did.  He then squirted Dawn dishwasher soap in the dishwasher to scrub it. Then he ran it. Then the dishwasher suds all over the kitchen floor.  Then he cleaned that up.  But with inattentive ADHD, they NEVER really clean it up.  About everything he does in the physical world is inattentive, and so that means very little attention to detail.  Sticky soap suds were all over the floor, the cavity had to be flushed by me, because he argues it was "fine".  To some inattentive ADHD standards, a tornado ravaged town swept with a push broom is "fine".  Try to laugh here, please?

    3.  Yet another time, he drained the transmission fluid from the company truck. Then he drove  the truck down hill and back up until the transmission seized because he did not fully replace the transmission fluid. 

    4.  Yet another time, he backed into a car in the parking lot.  Video has him on camera getting out to look at the damage to the other car and his.  Then he gets back into his car and drives away and does not report it.  A month later the damaged party's insurance company and local police call him about a hit and run.  You see a witness took video and pictures of my BPF's truck and face driving away!!!   Ah ha!  This explains why he was using Bondo and spray paint on the truck tailgate and side quarter panel.  Both the transmission and the hit and run cost him $7,600.  To the day before he saw the video, he denied hitting a car.  Then we showed him the video.  He became enraged and blamed everyone for over reacting.

    As bad as I sound advocating for calculated consequences to ADHD inattentive, for me its the only thing that works to get my BPF to sit up straight and gets me out of being victimized again and again.  

    As for the accident, it goes on his record and he now has to pay the increase in our insurance.  He had to pay for the seized transmission.  He's not allowed to work on the truck any longer.  I had my reservations about letting him work on the truck.  But I followed the psychologists advice and I was told NOT to enable or rescue him and to let him learn and do things on his own.  Hmmm.  Me thinks the psychologists are not in the thick of it to understand the advice that is given. 

    The professionals can give all the advice they want.  It's not until they actually live with the person that has inattentive ADHD for three to six months that they will TRULY GET THE BIG PICTURE.

     

  • Marriage issues. by: Ro7777 1 week 1 day ago

    So I don’t really know where to start but I just need some advice please- 

     

    So currently partially broke up with husband- he’s at his mums & im at home with the kids. So bit of back story- we’ve been together nearly 10 years, he had ADHD diagnosed but decided he doesn’t want meds but has smoked weed all his life (has cut down from all day everyday to 1 on a night but now it’s more like 2/3 a day from later afternoon- he’s tried numerous times to fully stop but can’t and says it’s his release and coping mechanism). We’ve had a turbulent marriage to say the least- no cheating but he has not always put me first in the sense of- chatting to younger women in the local shop then adding them on social media knowing full well they fancy the pants off him, following explicit pages or more directly girls on Instagram that I find disrespectful, had a small (short amount of time) cocaine addiction which I had a feeling about but everyday when I questioned him has he taken it he made out I was a psychopath & not at all- eventually a few weeks down the line he got caught out  and had to confess- was obvs never gonna tell me. I haven’t been innocent- I’ve had my own depression & anxiety due to previous relationship my ex left me for his boss & then both my parents died (4 years apart) whilst I was with husband but before I was 30- in now 32. So yeah traumatised me tbh. Husband has never held down a longterm job and had quite often just walked out of said jobs & left us in the shit financially so we’ve never been able to save or get in front because finance are always so short- I’ve also failed and not got a back up career- went to uni as an adult but I’ve never done anything with it as I’ve always just had small low income jobs and been there for kids as he tends to work away with his work and we live in an area with no family and few friends etc no added childcare which actually we wouldn’t have if we lived at ‘home’ anyway because the last living grandparent pays no interest in said grandchild or me. So we’ve separated a few times (this is the 3rd) and every time he goes back home, opens up to his mum who then informs the whole family about how awful I am & then they hate me & I spend the next year trying to get them to like me. So me & my ways- so I’m not innocent- never cheated on him, I don’t have a a great income but I always contribute what I can- I don’t really drink or take drugs etc but I have most definitely emotional abused him at times- called him a waste of space & said he doesn’t provide because if I’m honest at times he doesn’t- well actually most of the time he doesn’t because he has weeks off work, days off work when he wants (sometimes cba with work on a Monday), I think there’s just lots of resentment towards him tbh- he says he goes into these spirals because of me and I’m just not sure tbh- my head is mashed & I question my own sanity tbh. 

     

    So moving on….This break has basically spiralled- it’s a mess. Over December he worked less (his boss is a bit of jerk-like if he needs a Friday off he makes him take the whole week off self employed so loses a weeks wage when all he needed was one day) so anyway throughout December a he’s lost a lot of money, had no back up finances so I’ve used my savings to keep the house running, Christmas etc for the kids, his family, him & bought my own presents he didn’t buy one single thing but still managed to buy weed or tick it with the money he had- this obviously upset me- I said even if it had been a small jar with something thoughtful/homemade it would have been nice but tbh he just doesn’t think like that- he doesn’t do romantic things, organise dates, book nights away etc nothing at all that’s all me- I am the organiser- he doesn’t even sort his own bills etc and if left to do so they are paid late etc. and I think because he hasn’t had the money he’s gone into self loathe mode- the lack of routine etc and I tried to be nice at first & be like look I’ve sorted everything but he was just cold & miserable & it’s ground me down tbh- he was sleeping in all the time, moping around the house, being generally miserable & down even though he actually had a readymade sorted Christmas cos I’ve done everything- he helped wrap a new presents, and joined in the festive fun- so to name a few- I paid & booked a weekend away, we had a Santa visit in a steam train, saw Santa at the garden centre & then went back home to a caravan holiday with hottub over Christmas all paid for by me because he’d had time off work- so it’s important to note one of the weeks he had off was for a course which he passed to better himself at work- this is the second time he’s done it as failed the first one (it’s not an easy course) so that’s a week off unpaid too then they gave him no work the week after as there wasn’t any. Anyway the moping because too much along with the sleeping in & the tit for tatting at each other and then one big shouting match & he packed his bag & walked out & went to his mums which is where he’s been since last Monday. Part of the week he’s been working away (from weds) but then had chose to go back to his mums instead of coming home this weekend- it’s a been a messy weekend- so he had early finish Friday & I just had in my head that he’d come home as he was telling me he had minimal to do at work etc but he had txt to say he’d come home Saturday- anyway spoke to him Friday & his brother was there (so now mum knows, brother knows too) I said how ‘oh I thought you were gonna surprise me and come home’ obvs he wasn’t and this is my fault for thinking it. The more the night went on the more upset I got that he had an early finish but chose to not come home & sent a message saying I wasnt ready for him to come home Saturday but it was a long message that basically explained that actually I push you away because you always walk out & leave but reality is I just want you home- so Saturday comes & he doesn’t come home because out of all the giant message I sent he only read the words that I wasn’t ready for him to come home. Again my own doing. He never replied to the message on Friday to question it etc. so Saturday we bicker backwards & forwards but then Saturday night i FT him (important to note he only ever rings or txts me if it’s about the kids- he would never ask to come home or say he misses me etc- in fact he’s admitted he doesn’t miss me- yet) we speak & I cry lots but we’re open & get on- I then message & say will you come see me tomorrow please- he say it will confuse the kids as they think I’m working away- I say they won’t be confused cos they’ll think you’ve finished work early- he then says he’s no money for petrol- I say I’ll pay- he then says that he’s not ready & made plans with his mum- so I say we’ll id just really appreciate the comfort tbh & don’t want to go 2 weeks without seeing him but now I feel like he’s making excuses & im giving solutions but still he doesn’t want to come home- in the end he just said he won’t be coming home until next Friday & that I need to suck it up as he’s not budging on it. I just cried myself to sleep & have woken up wondering what I should do- it’s also important to note that every time this is the cycle- he walks out, I beg him back & he then decides when he wants to come back but it’s never when I ask- always when he’s ready etc. I’ve tried to explain to him this last week and next week he’s gone to his mums so he has the space to analyse everything- mum cooks & washes for him- he has no responsibilities apart from working whereas I still have to function daily with the kids/house/bills/ normal life etc whilst not actually opening up to anyone because I cba explaining all this mess to someone so I’m just doing it all alone. Also like to add youngest child has SEN so life is never easy with him- doesn’t sleep well, gets up early, can’t be left alone, poo smears etc so actually for me the weekend is so important cos I battle this on my own all week so having extra hands on a weekend is what I live for tbh so to find out he won’t be home has really upset me as you can imagine- I did explain this to husband & said you know the excitement we all have for Daddy coming home is massive & we all buzz off it. All he can say is that I have made him feel sad, depressed, unloved, unworthy etc but says due to ADHD he can’t pinpoint what I’ve done as he doesn’t keep a list. I know that maybe I have- I have said things that aren’t nice but he has also done things that aren’t nice- that make me feel insecure & unwanted etc but I don’t hold a lifetime grudge against him. 

     

    When we are good we are amazing- great team, happy, have the best laughs, when my parents died he was there for me- sorting the kids out & having them whenever etc cuddled me & stayed up with me whilst I cried etc albeit the cocaine incident was at the same time as one parent dying and he says it was because he was a mess too and knew he couldn’t put on me because I was grieving. 

     

    I know this is huge- I’m sorry & thank you if you’ve read to the end- I am happy to elaborate more if needed. I just want to fix my marriage- I want to be happy & be a family. Please help. Why won’t my husband just come home & support me? 

     

    Thank you.

  • Why do they do this? by: zmc1987 1 week 3 days ago

    Brother-In-Law has ASD and probably ADHD too based on behavior. 

    We have often clashed over his argumentative nature, particularly about politics on social media where he thinks that the world can be saved by aggressively berating people with his views. 

    The real souring point was when I discovered that he had been texting my wife outside of social media about what an idiot I was for not conceding his correctness in one of said arguments. I told my wife that was bizarre and a profound overstepping of boundaries on so many levels (she was sick of it too) and she told him to stop. Thankfully he has respected that boundary. 

    We have twins who are not even 2 yet, and last night, my wife was describing that our daughter likes to engage in play often by stacking like things. She is, as of now, perfectly on track as far as developmental milestones. His response to the stacking play was "That sounds like an ASD behavior."

    He has an MS in counseling - no job in his field in almost 2 years since graduation because he wants the perfect job without having to cut the cord and move away from his support system - with some work with an autism center. Nowhere near the expertise to actually diagnose others. 

    This isn't the first time he has "diagnosed" people (i.e. projected his diagnoses on to others) and he's not the only ASD/ADHD person that I have encountered who loves to do it. 

    Is this a belonging thing? Like "I can normalize and advocate for my condition by finding as many people like me as possible?" I find it obnoxious and bizarre.

Pages