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  • by: JJamieson - 9 hours 22 min ago

    This is what I've learned.  I will start...by saying, I honestly don't hold onto anger or hold "grudges" very long.  That's because I've learned to process my anger and get rid of it pretty fast.  Processing is a coping mechanism.  Everyone gets angry....and anger is always legitimate to the person.  Having a "right" to be angry is based on you...the person angry and it's always in your "right" to be angry.  Expressing your anger verbally to another person is also in your "right" to do so...but your dancing a fine line and skating on thin ice...is you can't express your anger and tell the other person "why" your angry both at the same time.

    Reactive expression of anger is irrational in respect....only to the other person.  It's tells them nothing except...that you're angry.... if you fail to connect what you are angry about...to what is happening now in the moment. If your angry about something that happened in the past...and don't connect it to the past and then connect it to the same thing that keeps happening but now in the present moment.....and you're expressing and voicing your anger to them about what they just did now in the present time;...there (can be) a complete loss of context for the listener...unless you can communicate that to them now...in the present moment.

    In other words....if you are holding onto the anger from the past and you remain angry about it continuously, chronically, and it never gets resolved....you are holding a grudge.  You got a"bone" to pick....a "chip" on your shoulder....and that anger never truly goes away.  It's just there until the next time...and gets added onto what is already there underneath (that you may not even be aware of yourself) by the other person throwing salt in the wound each time they do the same thing again...but now in the future.

    But on the part of the other person.....they only know what they did right now this very minute.  Stop right there.

    If a person is in denial of their "anger".  Repeat....denial of their "anger"... and they don't realize they are just angry all the time but have gotten so use to being angry all the time and they are just carrying it around with them constantly... YOU the listener,  will have no idea what they are angry about unless they tell you exactly what it is that is making them so angry about in an on going basis...specifically.

      If both people are in denial of their own anger..... and both are holding onto past anger and don't realize what lurking below....that is...this unresolved anger that's just waiting for the shoe to drop and for the other person to do what they the next time....this I see as a problem.  It doesn't matter the reasons "why"....it only matters that this unresolved anger "exits" in the first place.  It could be from your childhood.  It could be from your job or other times or events in your life.....and it could be from the anger you feel in your marriage and everything in between?

    Coping...is the ability to resolve and process anger and get rid of it....now...or very shortly after.

    Inability to "cope" causes holding onto anger and it never really goes away. If this is the case your marriage I feel....this is what I'm calling "The Permanent Grudge".  Any anger from the past that you are still angry about...now...in the future......is irrational anger since it's not in context to what is happening now...in the present time since it makes no sense...in context...to what is happening now.

    A person who is not connecting their past anger...to what is happening now   (who can't remember what it was that they were angry about before ....or  what someone else was angry with them about) is not going to understand you when you are angry with them now in the present moment....since the past event does not exist in their memory of it.  It's blocked either from being in denial of what they do makes you angry.  Not present in their working memory of the past.  Haven't learned yet....why you are angry with them...or has no idea what they are angry about in reality.  Reality being...in the "now"

    If I think about this.....there is only the present moment when you are speaking to someone live.  There is no past involved...right now at the present moment... as the sound is coming from your voice and reaching another persons ears. 

    That right there...is the problem with being in a state of "Permanent Grudge" and just holing onto past anger and expressing it now at the present time.  The person on the receiving end of this...will have no idea what you are angry about unless you can tell them...and connect the past to the present moment.  Literally....every time you express anger at all...now...... to the person standing in front you.

    Of course....if that person is in denial or YOUR anger....they can't hear you....don't understand why your angry ...and can't connect what you are angry about right now in the moment and will just get defensive with you.   Defensiveness...is a defense mechanism from a lacking in ability to cope and resolve anger and emotions to past events or even in the present for that matter.

    OR....

    IF...YOU  are in denial of your own anger...and YOU aren't communicating what YOU are angry about to that other person right now in the moment...and assuming they understand YOU...by simply  just reacting emotionally and irrationally and not speaking in plain English what you are angry about.... why you are angry.......  and what your anger is all about this very minute in the moment since that's when you are expressing it to them.  IF it's YOU who's doing this.  Then you're the one in denial of your own anger.  At least this is what I believe is actually true

    Anytime you hear someone being defensive....they aren't listening and hearing you.  They are effectively....blocking everything your saying...and throwing it right out the window as fast as you say it to them since what they are angry about has nothing to do with them as they see and it's all you who's angry and they have done nothing wrong.

      If you are assuming they hear you...and they can't even remember what you said before....then you aren't getting,  that they didn't hear you in the first place (in the past)  and they have no memory or context and the ability to connect.... to what is actually happening now  (no context or referencing ability) every single time you keep getting angry about the same thing.  1 time....or 100 times.  It will make no difference.  Your anger is not getting heard, understood or even remembered if they are in denial and being defensive.  If you assume any of this and not realize this...you will be assuming wrong.

    As I just tried to describe this.  This is a person in denial.  They aren't going to know what you are talking about...unless you make it clear to them each and every time you say the same thing because what you said in the past....never really happened.  Not technically true..but functionally yes.

    What I see here on this forum mostly when it comes to anger on either side?  You've been with this person so long...and these things have been unresolved for so long ... that both people are ina "Permanent Grudge" and both people are doing exactly the same thing with each other...and no one is either learning, coping, processing or resolving the anger from the past and it just all "chronic" anger and completely irrational.

    If that's the case and one person is just reacting with reactionary anger...blowing up without warning and just spewing it everywhere.  They don't even know why they're angry....they're just angry...and expressing it while you are in the room with them.  Nothing they say will be able to be connected to what they are really angry about...yet they will think it's you who caused it since you just hit that button and 'POP...out comes (the same past anger)  that is lurking there just waiting for you to hit that button and out comes that same anger on top of what you just did to trigger it again and again every time you do it.  It won't make sense to you.  They will say all kinds of crazy things and accuse you of kind of crazy stuff you didn't do...except for possibly the "ONE"  thing that you did do right now...but with it comes the rest of it and that's all just crazy irrational past anger resurfacing again.

    If I'm not mistaken....this is called operant conditioning.  It happens over time.  The longer you are conditioned to it....the harder you will be able to see yourself doing it.  And if both people have conditioned each other this way.  Both people are doing it...both are not coping....both are not resolving...and both are going to appear irrational to each other and no one is hearing or listening to each others anger......in the moment....and no one is actually understanding what the other person is really angry about.

    Unless you can get completely rid of all your past anger entirely...and bring it forward into the "NOW" moment...there is a very high chance...your doing this.  I can tell you from this experience personally doing this very thing myself...and........ being on the receiving end of it as well.  You may think you know why your angry....but  your not...at least not right now in the moment...if you can't connect the past anger...to the present anger....and know exactly "why" you are angry.  Only you know 'why"....no one else will ever know if you can't identify it and speak it into words that anyone can understand without having to "guess"...what's up your butt.  IMHO

    I hear the words......"crazy making" used here on this forum in referencing this very thing.  This is what's "crazy making"....spoken in words I hope everyone can understand?

    I think getting right down to it....this is what is actually happening with my wife.  She is angry about something in the past long before she met me....but she has no idea what she is really angry about and can't tell me why?  Only she knows the "why".  If she can't tell me "why" specifically....I will never truly understand when she just reacts...and spews anger all over the place like a machine gun out of context....and can't speak in terms "in the now"...and say so in plain English...even if it's spoken in anger so I can understand it?  I might have done something to trigger this anger....but this anger has nothing to do with me.  I know this because she can't say what it is I did to make her angry...or when she does....it makes absolutely no sense to me.  She will use excuses and accuse me of thing related to what I DID actually do....but her anger is out of context and she can relate what it is that is really upsetting her and why?  If she could do that....i would understand her?  I'm not defensive..don't get over emotional...and even if my feelings are hurt or I'm angry....I can....not react....not just spew....think about it....keep my mouth shut....and come back later to talk a bout it.  I can do this.  My wife cannot.  I have a very long fuse...and I can take a lot of hits....before I reach the point where I am acting out of control and just reacting myself. You will rarely see....reactionary...blowing up....without of lot of speaking rationally and objectively and then with plenty of warning ahead of time.  What makes me react or lose control....is when someone is rabid and coming at me and being completely irrational and not making sense...but at the same time...getting up im my face......and closing in on me.  I finally got to a place.....where even that won't do it anymore with my wife as it did before.  I'm not doing anything or reacting much all....but I do get tired of having someone throw what I say back in my face...and refusing to have an open discussion about why they're angry with me.  I don't just blow up at my wife....but I do get angry with her for doing that chronically and repeatedly over and over with my best foot put forward and having my guard down in my attempt to "talk with this".  That pisses me off....;but I in control of my anger over this now.  I never discount the effect my ADHD has on her....but that's no excuse for her just to "REACT" in anger...and not hold "her mud" the same as I do in the same situation.  I'm a good "mud holder"....that's all I'm saying. LOL

    Using terms here to reinforce what I'm saying.  If you have a bad day...and it's all built up and you aren't coping.....you might come home and kick the dog out of frustration just to release it since you're out of the ability to cope anymore.  But shortly after...you realize why you kicked the dog once you had a chance to get past it and calm down.

    But in the same context....if you've had a bad life....and your kicking the dog everyday....the you are in a state of "Permanent Grudge" because you "stuck" somewhere in time and still bring that same past anger along with you into the present time...since that past anger never really went away, never got resolved and you don't even realize this is what your doing...because your still anger about the same thing.  If it happens again...or happens repeatedly over and over (the thing that makes you angry)....then your doing this....and it's you who needs to find a way to get rid of the past anger since is exactly what will happen when you don't and will appear irrational...and not making any sense to the other person hearing you express it if you think this is going to work and make them understand?

    This kind of denial....is denial of your own anger if this is what is happening with you.  I do believe this to be true and this it what I believe I've learned from this experience myself and how I came up with the term...."Permanent Grudge."  It's a chronic state of mind that will never go away...unless you really know...what you are angry about and why?  It will come out of you...in untold ways....the person you are with...will have no idea what you are REALLY angry about....that is....in the moment when are trying to express it to them.

    Just my opinion....from observation and my own personal experience with it...and speaking objectively.  For what it's worth.

     

    J

     

     

  • by: Not ADHD - 19 hours 41 min ago

    I am a computer technician with a company for 13 years (been with them for 15 years).  i am intellectual and logical.  I am politically correct when i know i need to be.  i also haven't gotten along with my wife for a very long time.  instead of her realizing the issue is her, she looks online to find out how it is my issue.

    She says I am ADD/ADHD (because our oldest daughter has it and it is, of course, my fault)

    She says I am OCD.

    She says I have aspergers.

    This coming from a woman that thinks the best way to reward me is sex when she gets what she wants.

    I do help around the house.  i do laundry at least once a week.  I cook 3-4 times a week.

    she is a housewife.  i work 50-60 hours a week to include weekends.

    She doesn't have any friends to hang out with.  I do.  I try to encourage her to get out more, but she doesn't.

    she likes to claim i do nothing around the house, but the house looks better whenever she goes away for a few days as I am more thorough with cleaning than she is. (she loves dust collecting knick-knacks, i don't as i have allergies and asthma)

    She is Japanese.  i only understand 2nd grade level and i hate dramas and soap operas.  she thinks i am ignoring the family when she watches her Japanese dramas when i am on my cell phone using Facebook.  she forces me to be in the same room.

    She grew up with money.  i grew up poor.

    i am a weightlifter and i stay pretty much in shape.  She bounces between fad exercise after fad exercise and doesn't stick with them long. 

    I went online and there is nothing online about women really with these diagnosis.  everything is about the poor wife that has to deal with the man and his issues.

    REALLY?  how about the fact that we are different.  Women are emotional and mean to each other, men are logical and fair.  i see it everyday. I work for a company that has a lot of female mgrs.  How some of these women get to keep their jobs is beyond me as they are less productive in the long run.  (notice i said "some", and if you didn't, you may want to be checked for ADHD).

    I think the problem is that today's humans are entitled and wussified so they can complain about everything that offends them (actually, the loud minority of humans).  Everything and everyone must be labeled.  if you don't like who i am, leave me alone.  go away.  i have lots of friends that accept me for who i am and genuinely like me.

    I have asked this woman for a divorce many times....she won't.  She prefers to keep this relationship going.  fine, I'll play along until the kids move out.

  • by: JJamieson - 1 day 6 hours ago

    I have to let go.  My concept of work is so different than my wife's and we approach things so differently....I need to let go.

    My idea of what is work...and what is not work?

    If you don't break a sweat and need a shower at the end of the day...you're not working

    If it doesn't hurt or you feel no pain.....you're not working

    If you aren't sore and tired at the end of the day....you're not working

    If your muscles don't ache and you don't feel the burn while you're working....you're not working

    If you aren't wringing wet from the top of you're head to the sole's of your feet....you're not working

    If you aren't ready to drop from exhaustion at the end of the day......you're not working

    Work is work....and everything is just dicking off.

    I realized when I made the comment that I'm not 25 any more (59)....that I'm fighting against losing my ability to work and I hate it.  But that's only because my perception of work needs to be modified.  I also realized that recently,  I felt like have never seen my wife...actually "work" in my opinion only because I have never seen her sweat when she works.  I do think however....there is something to said about the division of labor that involves sweating that needs to be considered.  Work that makes you sweat...is harder than work that doesn't.  Hard work, needs to be a consideration when talking about division of labor.  But I need to bring the level down...and give myself a break.  I'm not longer 25 any more and my expectations of my wife need to be lowered to an acceptable level along with my own.

    I need to let go.

    This video reminded me of this.  In swimming...our couch (very much like this) called them over and under's and we did them at the end of the work out which he made sure....if you had anything left at the end.......he'd squeeze that right out of you too.  It still amazes me...what you can do with the right motivation.  I think that part still applies even at age 59.  The satisfaction you get when you're done however....is incredible.  I think it can still be found...doing it another way?  What that is.....I have yet to find exactly?  Intensity...or....duration?  I think duration is the key when I'm considering this and pacing myself?  I was always a sprinter.....I think distance is a better goal and taking longer at this stage in my life is a better plan.

    Letting go

    https://youtu.be/Bb-hWG3cHMQ

     

    J

  • by: dedelight4 - 1 day 10 hours ago

    One of the hardest things we went through for both of us when my husband was first diagnosed in 2006  The psychiatrist he was seeing, gave him the book "Delivered from Distraction", and we also got the tapes.

          The book described how many brilliant and famous people had ADHD, and that it turned out to be a "gift". So, my husband ONLY looked at his ADHD as this incredible gift that I didnt appreciate him having. He was SO pleased with this explaination, and couldnt figure out what was wrong with ME for not appreciating him having this fantastic GIFT of ADHD, He was angry with me because I didnt feel the same way about his great GIFT, which set him apart from the REST of society.

           He didnt investigate it beyond that point and then took his medication sporatically after that which didnt do him much good. In fact it seemed to make it worse since he wasnt taking the meds correctly.

          This was just something I remembered about when he was first diagnosed. He also still doesnt see how it impacted our marriage and family. Just saying. It was sad that all he could see was what he wanted to see and nothing else.

  • by: JJamieson - 1 day 14 hours ago

    Everyone lies.  I watched a program about lying and how people lie.  As it pointed out, lying is a human condition.  We all lie at different times for different reasons. It showed through various tests and research that on average...70% of everyone across the board...male, female, children, men, women consistently lie all the time and mostly.....don't even realize it.  Out of everyone tested...there were those who lie completely aware of their dishonesty but this only accounted for 15% of the total of all lying done by humans.  These were the worst offenders and the ones everyone heres about.  Corporations like Enron, Banks and Politicians were amongst the worst offenders in this category but that still leaves the rest of us with only an extremely small number in each test group who failed to lie on the tests but this does not account for the lies we tell ourselves. This was pointed out that lying to ourselves is the biggest reason why we all lie and we lie consistently all the time. 

    This is because of what the researcher found....has to do with our inherent God given (or whom ever you prefer) make up that is inherent in human beings that causes us to lie.  The biggest lies are actually the ones we tell ourselves because there are normally few consequences for telling these lies in the short term.  In the long term however....these lies catch up to us eventually over time because they actually increase in number over time instead decrease over time which is what we actually believe ourselves.  The reason for this has to do with intensity and duration.  The more intense we feel the shame of our lies....the less apt we are in making them.  This accounts for only the 15% who continue to lie beyond the average where shame or accountability are overridden by motivations of things like greed and especially money seem to over ride our ability to feel shame after too long because this effect of that duration has on us.  It seems....the longer we lie....the more apt we are to lie even more not less over time.  With each lie that we tell ourselves or make...the consequences for lying go down over time until there are no consequences anymore in the immediate moment for lying any more.  Not until we feel the consequences for our lying...do we realize the lies we tell ourselves and then do anything about it.

    But as the research studier found out....dishonesty has very little to do with it except in the case of the the extreme 15% of all of us who lie.

    There are white lies we make for the benefits of others.

    There are lies we make in order to please others on their behalf

    And there are lies we make to protect ourselves from harm

    None of these lies start out being dishonest and are there to serve both ourselves and others to protect humans from harm. Namely preventing our selves and others from feelings of shame.  The problem with these lies are that they are intervening or preventing shame  from happening by reducing shame which is the purpose that shame exists which is to motivate us not to lie.  The consequences of these lies suggest that the very reason we make these lies...is the very reason why people lie more not less because shame needs to be present on some level to keep us from lying in the first place.  This means these are the lies that do the most damage of all because they are of the longest in duration over the greatest amount of time.

    Compared to the worst offenders who we consider "liars" who we see as dishonest only account for the 15%...actually lie less often but with more intensity (bigger gain for themselves) but for a shorter duration and actually account for less damage and harm in over all comparisons when money was used as a criteria.  These worst offenders who we see as "liars" who many go to prison for their crimes eventually....do less harm overall to the general public and ourselves....than  the smaller lies we all make everyday over the course of our lives and cause more damage to others and ourselves as the researcher finally concluded by adding up the figures and tallying the total damage done over time.

    These numbers (that I can't recall exactly) were astounding if you looked at the millions of dollars stolen or cheated in comparison to the biggest but fewer offenders (singular or short duration but larger amounts to gain per incidence of lying) who we see as liars.

    Yet....for the rest of us (the other 70%) who are not these offenders, who will never go to prison and who view ourselves as honest, good hard working people....are the most responsible of all and cause the greatest harm overall when compared to the  lies we tell ourselves on a daily basis.

    And this all boils down to shame.  Too much shame will cause us to lie to protect ourselves and others from it.  Too little shame will cause us to lie ever more because there are no consequences that we can see or feel in the short term....but actually cause us more harm over the longest time due to duration and the minimizing effect that takes place which is part of the human condition.

    As it appears.....honesty and dishonesty as we understand it...has very little to do with this unless we take this into account.  And as the researcher also pointed out...fear has little or nothing to do with preventing us from lying.  Fear can actually work against us...if shame is what we fear the most.

    The more fear we feel...and the more afraid we are.....will actually cause us to lie more.....and feel less shame...than going in the other direction.

     

    As I reflected on this and thought about it.....I discovered that this is absolutely true for myself.  And then I immediately jumped to the conclusion that balance is the key here of course.  As it appears.....imbalance is the real culprit when it comes to lying and since we all lie and a balance between shame and fear in healthy doses is required....it isn't too hard to draw the conclusion that all or nothing is not the answer here. 

    Avoidance or all shame and fear...or protecting our self or the ones we Love the most from all shame and fear....is the worst thing we can possibly do to ourselves and the people we love and care about the most.

    I for one...can see how I have failed here on all accounts and can see exactly how I failed to see this and the amount of damage I done to myself and others in failing to see this in myself.  I have to hold myself accountable for doing exactly what this researcher discovered and I am the only one to blame for lying to myself in this very way and can see how this kind of lying...is what causes the most harm to others each and every time I've done this.  I have to take full responsibility for my actions and I have lied continuously throughout my lifetime out of my own fear of shame or trying to protect others from feeling shame and this I hold myself accountable for all the damage I've caused both to myself...and others and I truly and openly apologize for my failure to see this sooner.

      I humbly apologize for all the damage I've done due my own failure here....and I am truly sorry.

    J

  • by: violetlana - 2 days 4 hours ago

    I got married about a year ago and was not prepared for the fact that my husband has pretty severe ADHD. I was the one who figured out there was something wrong that he needed to go see specialists. And my suspicion was correct - that he has Tourette's and ADHD. It's been a rollercoaster and a heartbreaking process dealing with it. Had to convince him to go to doctors and finally he was open to it. We got from a neuropsychologist who tested him, to a neurologist, to his primary care doc (who prescribed way too low for some reason) and finally to a psychiatrist. He was taking 25 mg of Straterra for 3 wks but when the psychiatrist advised taking 60mg, he stopped taking meds completely - for a week now. And is hiding it from me. I feel like he is so unstructured, aimless and a mess. Our communication is so broken. I feel so hopeless and depressed. Is there hope in a situation where they stop complying? Is that a normal pattern in their acceptance?

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 2 days 6 hours ago

    Must be nice to be able to take 4-5 hours of "smoke breaks" in a day when the house is still a wreck, things are still unpacked, garbage bins are full, counters are filthy, backyard is messy and junky.... 

     

    But you know - Facebook and Cigarettes.... thats whats important.  Really trying to hold in my temper as I take a few minutes away from trying to figure out something for work.  Must be nice to be able to have anything and everything you want, and not have to follow through with WHAT YOU AGREED UPON AS YOUR CONTRIBUTION to the home.... 

     

    Sorry folks - I just had to have a momentary vent before I really got angry.

  • by: jennalemone - 2 days 12 hours ago

    I used to have a beloved, big smooth collie.  He would tramp mud and shake himself and cause dirt and dishevelment.  He would NEED to run hard outside every day a couple times a day. He would chase animals, He ate a lot of food. I loved that dog.  We took good care of each other.

    Now I have a chihuahua.  He is sweet and "holds it" when he has to "go out" until he sees that I am available to take him out. He is quiet, cuddly, never nips. When he runs inside the house it is like little powderpuff prances.  I love this dog. We take good care of each other.

    The big dog could not be ignored.  He would, with his strength, PULL me out of slumber to take him out.  He would slosh the water pan or push it to the end of the wall making noises so that I would pay attention to him. He always got the treat, water, walk, strokes when he asked, no demanded, because he could not be ignored. I had to clean up after him. I tend to take the small dog's good manners and quiet, non-neediness for granted. Sometimes I think to myself that I am not as attentive to little dog because I don't have to be. He acts more like a partner than a dog with needs. There are no messy consequences for me if I don't take him out on time. He seems to understand that he is being taken care of and he is doing his part in the partnership.

    Is this what it is with people too?  I think maybe it is for some. 

    If I would make more noise, cause more drama, push and pull and manipulate and fight (like a Bridezilla)...... my needs would be better taken care of by H. I think it is assumed that I will take care of my self. it is assumed that if I am not making noise or drama, that things are OK. My words mean nothing to him.  Our promises at our marriage ceremony were thought of differently by each of us.  I joined a team. H declared war. (Like the war of the large family he came from.....fighting for attention and shares of "not enough to go around". 

    I came trained by my upbringing.  I do not make drama, noise, mess, be rude or messes.  I came trained and I was sensitive to my environment.  H was not trained the same way as a young boy. It was a permissive, impulsive family.

    Some of my complaints are not from the ADD alone.  It is also that we have different ideas of what is an appropriate way of conducting ourselves and speaking and what it means to be part of a family. My family was very much into "everyone gets equal", "mind your manners ...table, speaking, chivalry, etc."  H's family was loud and yelling and name calling and spatting. Many times this were done in fun but many times the stronger, older siblings took control and there was a constant vying for "king on the hill."  Getting in a pre-emptive punch was a mode of defense. Partnering or vulnerability was thought of as "weak"....gotcha, he,he,he.   Sex with H never felt cuddly.  Sex felt like a game of king on the hill.  Although I think he thought he was quite the stud.....I let him think that.  But it was not good for me....the little dog.

     

  • by: overwhelmedwife - 2 days 13 hours ago

    Traveling with ADHD people who also have other mental health issues is just not worth it.

    We've taken two short beach trips this month (3-4 days each), and while the actual hotel days themselves were ok, the before and after have been awful.

    Before both trips, H picked fights and almost didn't go to either trip.  But, we were traveling with adult kids, so H didn't want to "look bad" and not go, so he promised our kids that he would go (and behave), and he did.    But, the night we got home from the first trip, he blew up, said that I didn't listen to him while on the trip and made him go/do things that he didn't want to do.  I asked him to provide examples and he said he'd make a list, which he never did because there wasn't anything that I made him do.  His anger lasted a couple of days.

     

    Yesterday, while coming home from the second trip, I asked if we could stop and pick up some cold drinks for the drive home.  H was fine with that because he also likes having a cold drink, particularly from this one fast food chain (Sonic).  I told H where to get off the interstate and he said that there was another way.  I should have just let him go the wrong way, but instead I told him that Market St was the correct exit and he took that.  We got to Sonic and then H said something about how to get back on the interstate to get home.  I told him that we just need to go back to where we got off and the entrance is at that same intersection.  H countered with something about needing to get on I-10.  I said, no, we've already passed I-10...which was true.  H became confused (and I think the meds he takes adds to this), and he kept saying that we needed to get onto I-10.  I kept saying that we're already north of I-10 and that we needed to get back on the northbound interstate that we had gotten off of.  After going back and forth (and showing him on my iPad), he then tried to blame me for the whole mix-up because it was my fault for wanting to stop and get drinks, AND that it was my fault for not listening to him. Believe me, I was listening.  But, now he's focused on his belief that the whole thing was caused by me not listening to him.  Oh, and he's also insisting that he still could have gotten to Sonic by some other off-ramp (well, if he could, it would have been a much longer way.  The off-ramp I told him directly took us to Sonic.)  He hates being wrong, so he "has" to make such a crazy claim.  Again, I should have just let him go his wrong route and learned from himself.

     

    I told him that I won't be traveling with him again.  Our kids want to go back next month and I'll go alone with him.  I'm planning a trip to Europe and believe me, I will not let him come, too. He would ruin the trip and blame me.  It doesn't matter how perfect or near-perfect I am, he will get upset and then say that I did something to cause it.

     

    He can't see that no one else on these trips has any issues.  

     

    I understand that his anxiety is the underlying issue (not really the ADHD), along with OCD, confusion from meds, and a personality disorder. 

     

    I'm getting sick and tired of him causing fights and then he says that it's because I'm not listening to him or because I interrupt him.  Yes, I do interrupt him.  I HAVE TO.  When H starts saying something and he's obviously wrong, I'm not going to sit and listen to 10 more minutes of words (because of his OCD). For example....If the plan is to leave on the trip at 10am, and he starts saying something like, "after my afternoon nap, I'll go to the gym and then I'll go get gas, blah blah blah,"  then I'm not going to just sit there and listen to a bunch of "wrong stuff".   No.  As soon as he says, "after my afternoon nap...." I'm going to interrupt and say, "we need to be on the road by 10am to get to the hotel before dinner time."  (Which H knows we have to do because we bring a pet that needs to eat and take certain medications after the pet eats....AND, H hates arriving at a hotel late anyway.).  

    Anyway, when I interrupt to correct his train of thought, he gets mad and says, "just let me finish".   What?   Does he really think that I should have to listen to a bunch of wrong things first?  I realize with the OCD, he feels that he "needs" to say what he wants to say regardless if it's all wrong.  But, I don't have time for this all day long.  No one does.  

  • by: JJamieson - 3 days 4 hours ago

    I've come to a realization that is plaguing me to the point of distraction. I have accepted it...but I have yet to move on from it that appears to be at the source of something I have yet to come to any understanding of. It really is about anger and denial and it is part of the inability on my wife's part to speak to me openly about this which is why I have come here and stayed here looking for something that will allow me to put this mystery to rest and just move on from it.  

    I can see the legitimacy behind everyone here (besides me)....that has come to face in their relationships with a person who they married and has ADHD and that is not the problem. The problem I have in coming to terms with my own personal situation is that I was married before.....felt I have learned from my mistakes...and tried my best not to bring the past into my current relationship with my wife. And since I spent a great deal of time educating her and warning her of all the symptoms and their draw backs....I am seeing no difference in before when I didn't know... or do this ahead of time...in comparison to now.  No difference what so ever.

    My wife cannot say she was surprised or shocked. She can't say I didn't tell her ahead of time. And she can't say that she was sand bagged, duped, deceived or not given a thorough amount of information to be armed with enough to use this as an excuse in her case. She was with me plenty...and I even pointed out what was 'ADHD and what was not to her ahead of time so she could know what she was seeing and not see or read something else into it.

    To be sure and to make this clear.....everyone else I have read about or has come here has a legitimate reason to use here.... in case of not knowing and then finding out later either due to denial, not communicating things ahead of time, or not doing anything to correct the effects that ADHD has on their relationship.

    I'm not going to assume anything here and not assuming that everything that I've speculated to...is even even correct about my wife and what I've learned and tried to apply to her. No one has diagnosed my wife with anything and I'm leaving that stand right where it is. Not knowing anything and assuming she is just like any other non-spouse who's come here.

    Can anyone help me understand from the non ADHD side of things.....how you would feel if you were with me...and had all of that information and up front communication explained to you.... with full disclosure...... and a willingness to talk about anything....in order to put some legitimacy in having the same attitude and the same issues you are having now...with a situation where none of this actually happened ahead of time?

    I'm finding without something that I had yet to run across or find any means to compare to...impossible to give my wife any legitimacy to being the same (exactly) as if none of that ever happened. I can find no comparison or situation to compare mine to..and this has created a situation where I find myself discounting everything my wife says as an excuse and without credibility. I'm not looking for validation for myself....I'm looking for a legitimate "real" answer to something that I am no longer going to keep trying to find an answer to...but I would be lying to say that the weight of anything my wife says to the contrary in taking the same position that I experience in the past has little to no credibility what so ever.

    Without the same legitimacy I see here with literally EVERYONE ELSE except for my wife....I need this explained to me from the only point of view that I cannot get for myself being on this side of things?

    This is the "thing" or the "it"...that my wife won't say....and nothing here on this forum as yet to prove to help explain this to me yet? All I see when my wife complains....is hypocrisy...and I cannot resolve see my way out of it enough...to give my wife the same credit, that I can give to everyone else who is not in this situation. I'm not looking for a way out....or a means for an excuse....I'm looking for an opinion or a perspective that I cannot get on my own. That would be impossible to see or know....not knowing anything else?

    Knowing this...will help me know which way I approach my wife and not assume what I can't know other wise. I can either give her the benefit of the doubt.....or not. Right now. She hasn't earned it, which appears the one thing that every other non-ADHD person who has come here actually has because of this very reason that does not apply to anyone else except for me in this case.

    As it appears to me....doing what I did was a monumental waste of time if it doesn't matter either way and the same thing happens anyway. That's the problem but I would like to get a different opinion on this...which would give me cause to doubt myself and give that benefit of the doubt to my wife. 

    This is the perspective that appears missing with only her and no one else? I feel guilty for ignoring her and dismissing her anger as invalid because of this....and I really don't want to do this which is what I'm saying.   Either I know that I should keep doing what I'm doing...and try to weed out the wheat from the chaff and just keep guessing...or just let it go and ignore her and invalidate what I can only see as hypocrisy on her part. I have yet to come across my situation exactly...and this makes me feel like the odd man out here with nothing else to go on?

    The thing is....I have the only experience that I have that tells me when I see what I'm seeing which is exactly the same....then the same thing will happen whether I do anything or not....the same as I said about the monumental waste of time and energy spent already.  All the examples and the spectating about how to get out of a relationship with someone with ADHD....appears to be the overwhelming evidence of not investing any more than I have to..if the inevitable is going to happen anyway. 

    The pattern seems consistent....regardless of the effort or energy you put in? (in my situation, past experience...and in light of everything that does not apply....to anyone else here? )   If that's the case....why waste your time or energy in the first place?  In my mind....that's just selling yourself short and betraying yourself in the process?  Why would anyone put forth any effort or energy.....to do that? I could certainly save myself the trouble...and put my energies else where and just stop worrying about it do what ever I'm doing with give no credence to wifes opinion since she doesn't count here since she can't use that as an excuse.  Does anyone have an opinion?

    J

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