Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Charm of a Narciissist by: jennalemone 17 hours 30 min ago

    This is something I did not know, but it would have been nice if I had known it when I was young. When I think of it, it is pretty obvious.  I fell for it hundreds of times without realizing it.....  My H, the traveling salesman. H's threats are always coated with sugar.   People who act "too charming" now get on my nerves because I have been conditioned to expecting ulterior motives after a "charming" episode with him.

    From the book, The Gift of Fear: "Charm is another overrated ability. Note that I called it an ability, not an inherent feature of one's personality. Charm is almost always a directed instrument, which, like rapport building, has motive. To charm is to compel, to control by allure or attraction. Think of charm as a verb, not a trait. If you consciously tell yourself, "This person is trying to charm me," as opposed to "This person is charming," you'll be able to see around it. Most often, when you see what's behind charm, it won't be sinister, but other times you'll be glad you looked."

    I have re-worked some of the things included in The Gift of Fear to impart some info I found in it:  When your intuition senses there is something that is "not right but can't put a finger on it", it is hard to know what your intuition i telling you. When someone is threatening your well-being, how do you respond? The strategy of “watch and wait" is usually the wisest first step, but people frequently apply another management plan: engage and enrage. We all have a natural urge to do something dramatic when we are threatened or harassed. Here are some tactics of living with a person with Narcissistic traits and listening to your own intuition:

    1. Listen to your intuition.
    2. Our intuition fails when it is loaded with inaccurate information. Sort out what is your truths and what are his truths. Accept that sometimes people lie.
    3. With denial, the details we need for the best predictions float silently by us, unseen and unsued.
    4. The resource of violence (and defiance) is in everyone – all that changes is our view of the justification.
    5. Safety justifies a seemingly abrupt and rejecting response from time to time.  Saying "no" or insisting on your own truth and needs is a small cost compared to your sanity and integrity.
    6. Charm is almost always a directed instrument.
    7. Never show fear when threats are made. Threats are rarely spoken from a position of power, and it is the listener not the speaker who decides how powerful a threat will be.
  • ADHD leading to psychosis? by: IsHopeful 1 day 4 hours ago

    Hi all!

    I'm not sure who else may know about this, but i think my ADHD husband is officially lost it. In the past year, my husband has completely lost his grip on reality. We have 2 kids now (a 3 year old and a 12 year old that I had in a separate marriage before him). I'm the non ADHD spouse. Also 2 years ago my husband was laid off. I realize the kids and job loss were big factor, but after the election, he snapped. Also note he smokes pot daily and is on 30mg of Adorol (so, he's medicated). Here's the behaviors I've been observing:

    - Constant conspiracy theories (non stop)

    - Accusing me of false events (cheating, lying, etc.)

    - Paranoid about events VERY unlikely to happen

    - massively defensive, will interrupt mid sentence and refuse to listen to any feedback.

    - no self awareness at all, thinks his behavior has never changed and never changed

    - snaps at my daughter for the slightest things

    I've finally had it and forced him to stay in the guest room. Good news is this forced him to finally find a job that drug tests! So, he quit smoking pot too. Progress... But, my daughter (12) is begging me to leave him! She's so scared!

    My family, kids, his family and friends are VERY worried. We don't know who he is anymore. We have now started Anger management and are seeing a marriage councilor that also has ADD and is helpful. However, I fear he's got some sort of brain damage now. I'm so scared!

    Has anyone seen this before? How did you handle it?

    Thanks!

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Emotionally Burnt-out by: Alone in Marriage 1 day 9 hours ago

    After 15 years of marriage, my spouse was diagnosed recently with ADD and we have just started reading Melissa's book. However, in stead of feeling relieved, I'm absolutely emotionally burnt-out and now, when seemingly we should have hope for a brighter future, I'm despairing more than ever, feeling, I have no energy or will to 'fix' this marriage, I'm done in and just want out, I'm so much happier and at peace when he's not around...what should I do? How can I motivate myself? It doesn't help that in the last year when I have sought counselling for myself, I have had too very bad experiences with two different counsellors and I feel there is no help for me...because of all the mess and emotional abuse, I have ended up with an emotional affair but in stead of counsellors helping me, I felt judged and blamed and told to get my act together when I feel so broken and abused...

  • A Useful Excersise in Identifying My Triggers by: JJamieson 2 days 13 hours ago

    I did this exercise ( specific to my reactions and specific to my wife )  I did this immediately after  an exchange I had with her this morning where I got really pissed off, and I wanted to understand it better.  Namely for myself, but also, identifying what I have found so "dishonest" for lack of a better word. And since our T told us or assigned us to identify what we "don't want"....this is in part following through with that, but also recognizing more that goes with it.  I did a lot of research recently on the difference between men and women with ADHD and the coi-morbid likely's that go with it and it was extremely valuable for me to see what those differences are, with are quite pronounced in certain areas.   Recognizing in a sense, what my wife "can't help" or "can't just stop" or go away, at least gives me some ideas of what I should not expect, than learn to deal and live with my own reactions and responses.  My reactions are usually not tied to any grudge or not letting go....it has more to do with expecting "respect" in an on going basis....looking forward not backwardly;.....but realizing that I'm just not going to get what I want ( probably ever ) so I might as well learn to let go of that too.  At least for now, but still working on exactly what to do with it?  I still don't know the exact right or wrong thing to do with this in the moment...but today I decided to play both roles for as...as a me3ans to give it back to her which really didn't work...but it did make me feel a little better.  As I do and as she does....nothing was different until I had finished doing a favor for her by attempting to fix the window on her car which has been acting up.  When I got it to a place where I figured out what was wrong, I put a band aide on it and got it working enough as long as she didn't do anything to make it worse.  When I started to tell her what not to do, she cut me off and I was fine with that, but then said......"And thank you for taking the time to do that and figure out what was wrong. Thank you for fixing that for me, and thank you for your efforts"  I've decided to validate myself out loud to her since I will never get that from her.  He response to me was  "like I do for you all the time with the dogs....you were the last person to use the car"..............as if, I broke the window??  It was like ( again ) WTF is wrong with you!!!!! errrrrrrrr!!!!   And I basically said  "Fuck you, never ask me to do anything for you again, and don;t do anything for me!! Period"  That was not a good response, but I was rather pissed at hers even though I did set that up as an experiment and I kind of new already what I mgith get?  I just wanted to hear it again, to see exactly what words would come out of her mouth, so I could gto identify what it was, that was really most offensive about that for me. I rarely get gratitude for these things since as she see's it, I owe her which is her distorted perspection.  But the blaming for breaking a power window which hasn't been working correctly for months, was beyond ridiculous, saying "you were the last one to use it"  The fact is, it's her car.....I drive it, or use it about 20% of 100% of use, between the two of us?  It's this kind of backwards logic and rediculous statements that really upset me since they come at me in a particular way.  By running through this little exercise....I figured out which way that is and why that makes me so mad at times.  I'll jnclude the data sheet that gave me some real hard evidence to think about more as time goes on.
    https://bmcpsychiatry.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/1471-244X-13-298

     


    The Art of Insult....a cowardly and dishonest way of speaking to people.  Say what you mean, and quit hiding behind your words and come right out and say it, instead of beating around the bush while that person is in the bush themselves.  I mean really.  If your going to hit someone with a stick, grow a pair and hit them for crying out loud !  Instead of taking the stick, and beating around the bush their in.  This is exactly what I witnessed my 3 year old nephew do with his 1 year old little brother when my sister wasn't looking but I was watching him out of the corner of my eye.  

    My 3 year old nephew, was sitting next to her little brother in his car seat carrier and my sister was getting the car ready to take them to the store.  He had this big plastic ( hollow ) hammer and he was ( pretending to ) play with it, hitting it against the cement floor of the garage.  As I watched him out of the corner of my eye, with each hit of the hammer, the hammer would move closer and closer to his little brother until it finally landed square on top of his little brothers head. LOL  And of course. his little brother started crying, my sister had to grab him off the floor and put him in the car and my 3 year old nephew was then reprimanded but not without first denying it with a "who me, I didn't do anything" look on his face.  Like "I was just playing with my hammer and somehow it slipped and hit my little brother on the head while it was still in my hand."   I took my sister aside out of ear shot and told her what I saw and she said " YES!!! I know.  I have to watch him all the time because he will do that when ever he has a chance.  He is going through that stage where he doesn't like the attention (Sam) is getting since he has never had to share my attention with anyone and he doesn't like it when (Sam) gets more than him at times.  Especially when he knows that ( Sam ) needs help and he doesn't like this  and I have to do things for ( Sam) and I don't have to do them for him" ( paraphrasing )

    OMG!!!  This is it.  I wasn't born yesterday ( you know ).  LOL  I did this as an excersise, to identify what I've been reacting to that I could not put into words exactly, but in light of what I read in an article comparing genders ( boys & girls ) with ADHD and co-morbid conditions that can appear later in life....I think I have pretty much pin-pointed the difference that I am seeing between myself and my wife...and exactly what I feel the problem is between us and my triggers more importantly.  When someone gives me a gift, and I don't want it, I don't deserve it, or it doesn't belong to me.....I defintely will react in some way with an emotional response and the resulting ( conduct ) or behavior that will follow suit.  As I was reminded of this, along with me being predominanently-hyperactive....but still combined at a ratio or percentage....I'd say I'm about 80 / 20 % on my self measurement scale ( hyper / inattentive ) which is exactly what I did in my past in my behaviors for the most part.  Conduct behaviors w/ some ODD....but  mostly....conduct problems and far less ODD.  ODD was very much on the mild end and I was much more procatively impulsive...and far less retroactively aggressive with any stong need to hit back or punish.  I have never had a stong need to "hurt back" and that is the curious difference that find most distasteful with my wife.  The way she goes about it, reminds me very much of my 3 year old nephew which is her intention....no doubt.  It's not just negativity.....it's negativity with a need for revenge and that is what I am most focused on, since that is not something I own.  It really hasn't been something I own, but when push comes to shove....when I own it, I don't beat around the bush in what I see as...a cowardly chicken shit kind of way.  In a metaphorical sense.....if I'm going to hit you, you'll know it!!! ( in your face mother fucker......pow, right in the kisser!!! lol )  And then some.  No beating around the bush on that one.  In a push comes to shove adversarily contest, I have an amazing ability for economy of words and getting right to the point.  Out in the open , no pretentious, back stabbing and then playing the "who me, I didn't do anything wrong"   ( Bullshit, as if my 3 year old nephew did nothing wrong!!!  It didn't hurt his little brother really, but it scared him and it did hurt a little and he was defenseless strapped in his car seat completely vulnerable which was why he picked that time to do it.  I call Bullshit on that, even in the adult, more sophisticated version.  It's all the same to me, and that is precisely the point.  It is, all the same to me, and I can't see any difference?  I have strong reactions and emotional responses to this that trigger me into bad behavior and where I have to stop myself from doing what come naturally in this case )

    And that is exactly how  I can sum this up to in a very simple  way having fun with this.  I am having fun with this and also pointing out exactly what I see as my major problem as well.  That's the point of me doing this in the first place for myself:

    -identifying my triggers
    -identifying my reactions
    -And identifying my conclusions that I come to based on how I feel about it.  And if you want to boil this down to how I might react ( in the past exept when I am cornered or at my most vulnerable time with my guard down all in good faith and that faith and trust has been vilated or betrayed.... what I would be likely to say in response in an uncontrolled way without the ability to pick a healthier response ( just to show here if I were to just blurt from the reaction to this kind of insult )

     "Fuck you, and the horse you rode in on....you want to try that one again?  You'll get the same response from me ( mother fucker )   And in a really heated or contested exhange, I'd be stadning there saying "bring it on.....watch what happens the next time you do that.  C'mon, I'm right here in front of you ( two feet away ) ...watch what happens when you do that again, I wasn't born yesterday and you know exactly what you are doing.....try me, and see what happens.....you'll be sorry if you do.  I guarenentee it."


    And I would most likey, put my arms out and my hands out open...signalling that they are free to take the first punch or swing, completely showing my belly and allowing myself to be completely exposed and open.  And then begging for the person to hit me again....since this time I am basically saying "Im going to hit you back.....HARD! If you do."  And the point is, I will.  I'm not bluffing in that case.  When I get in game on mode, I mean it.  There in no bluffing in my vocabulary.  Homey don't play that chicken shit game of thowing rocks at someones back when they have their back turned and they are walking away from you.  At least from my expereince, a coward is coward.....you match a coward with someone who no longer afraid and has no fear of being hurt.....suddenly the realize that they are going to get hurt if they try.  I may lose the fight or get my but kicked in the end, but they going to lose a body part or an eye or pay some price no matter what?  They're going to get hurt, if hurting is the currency or the game that is being played.  If the game is to see who can take the most pain, I will win and you will lose since I take take a lot of pain, and still come back up expereince, a coward is coward.....you match a coward with someone who no longer afraid and has no fear of being hurt.....suddenly the realize that they are going to get hurt if they try.  I may lose the fight or get my but kicked in the end, but they going to lose a body part or an eye or pay some price no matter what?  They're going to get hurt, if hurting is the currency or the game that is being played.  If the game is to see who can take the most pain, I will win and you will lose since I take take a lot of pain, and still come back up fighing.  You'll have to kill me in that case if our pain threshold is equal.

    This is exactly the mental process I go through in a sporting competition ahead of time to get my adreniline to spike.  Once I can get my adreneline to spike...I no longer feel pain and that is to my advantage.  It also allows me to summon courage on demand when I need it which in that context, it is.   Inside, I may have self doubt and fear and all that goes with it, but in the moment I need to be Superman, and that's how I've found I can do it.  It is a mental process of "jacking myself up".....instead of being "hyjacked"...I'm doing it with intention in the face of a realy adverary or threat.  And it they won't back off or back down and I'm cornered for survivial sake and how I'm wired.....if passivity no longer works and no agressive tactics no longer prove effective...when I switched and go agressive and go into "fight"...."fight" is the last resort always....but that doesn't mean I "can't" or "won't" which is deceptive at times.  Between fight, flight, freeze or run.   I "freeze first, I "flight or run" second.....and when all esle fails....then I fight but when I do, there is no such thing as a fare fist fight.  Fighting under those conditions means.....no holds barred and I will go straigh for the juggler or the most vulnerable spot I can land a punch or hit to.  "Fairness" is no longer part of "fighting" when I get put into a corner like that.

    All this is, is me recognizing myself in this and how I see things from that perspective.  What I really wanted to say was what I good job I've done in not doing this more than anything esle....despite the "attack" , the "offense" and the "attempt" to give me a gift, with a particular "nasty flavor" to it....which comes through to me as cowardess and dishonestly...while feigning just the opposite.  The fiegning come in the form of self rightous inignation, disdain and by insulting worth words in a very underhadned way, that is highly distasteful.  At the end of the day as I come full circle here.  Respect is earned...and this where "no respect" is given even if done silently with no reaction or response which is what I learned to do.  I still to this day, don't know the right thing to do or how to answer the question without losing respect for myself?  But I have learned to resolve it, and just ignore and the person doing it.  I can make them invisisble, pretty easily if the facr of this and I have learned some very godd come backs to do put them right into the ground where they belong.

    Here's the list of assoicated words and expressions that are all connected to the art of insutling people.  It is not something I'm very good at doing intentionlly since I am much more out in the open about it when I do it which is that conduct violation.  I think their should be some kind of defintion or label to put on this, but I haven't come up with one, I just know it when I hear it and I am very good at understanding exactly what is happening.  I wan't born yesterday.....is always my first initial response or reaction to this.  This is all about ownership....or trying to "disown" what is your's by pawning it off on someone else.  Either you own it, or you don't....but don't give it to me, when it doesn't belong to me.  Ownership, is everything.  Own it, and keep it, and learn to live with what is yours...don't give it to me, because I don't want it!!! LOL  And of course when I do it,  and I do it at times too because everyone does....I expect to have it handed back to me, that is what I deserve for this kind of insult or violation.  It always works both ways.

    The bottom line is....speaking in the 3rd person is kind of Bullshit way of communicating and wrought with problems right from the get go.  At the very least, it comes across as chicken shit, to the reciever or "hearer" of said, such words.  He or she who smelt it, dealt it I have always said, and I still say it since for the most part ...since for the most part it's  mostly true.

    stigmatize-

    incriminate-
    entail-
    im·ply
    imˈplī/
    verb
    verb: imply; 3rd person present: implies; past tense: implied; past participle: implied; gerund or present participle: implying  ( which means...one person is talking in the third person to you, and you are present in the NOW, on the recieiving end of it.  That's what 3rd person present means as far as the impact and you are concerned.

        strongly suggest the truth or existence of (something not expressly stated).  ( it may not expressly stated, but the message comes through loud and clear!!! LOL   I wasn't born yesterday )
        "the salesmen who uses jargon to imply his superior knowledge"
        synonyms:    insinuate, suggest, hint (at), intimate, say indirectly, indicate, give someone to understand, convey the impression, signal ( I undersand!!  clearly!!! )
        "are you implying he is mad?"
            (of a fact or occurrence) suggest (something) as a logical consequence.

    en·tail
    verb
    verb: entail; 3rd person present: entails; past tense: entailed; past participle: entailed; gerund or present participle: entailing
    inˈtāl,enˈtāl/

        1.
        involve (something) as a necessary or inevitable part or consequence.
        "a situation that entails considerable risks"
        synonyms:    involve, necessitate, require, need, demand, call for; More
        mean, imply;
        cause, produce, result in, lead to, give rise to, occasion  ( yeah, give rise to wanting to smack the person upside the head lol )
        "first, we'll need to know exactly what the job entails"
            Logic
            have as a logically necessary consequence.
        2.
        Law
        settle the inheritance of (property) over a number of generations so that ownership remains within a particular group, usually one family.
        "her father's estate was entailed on a cousin"
            archaic
            cause to experience or possess in a way perceived as permanent or inescapable.
            "I cannot get rid of the disgrace that you have entailed upon us"
    a settlement of the inheritance of property over a number of generations so that it remains within a family or other group.
    -a property that is bequeathed under such conditions.

    :    involve, necessitate, require, need, demand, call for; mean, imply;
    cause, produce, result in, lead to, give rise to, occasion
    "first, we'll need to know exactly what the job entails"
    Logic
        have as a logically necessary consequence.
    2.
    Law
    settle the inheritance of (property) over a number of generations so that ownership remains within a particular group, usually one family.
    "her father's estate was entailed on a cousin"
    archaic
        cause to experience or possess in a way perceived as permanent or inescapable.
        "I cannot get rid of the disgrace that you have entailed upon us"

    a settlement of the inheritance of property over a number of generations so that it remains within a family or other group.
    a property that is bequeathed under such conditions.

    be·queath
    bəˈkwēT͟H,bəˈkwiTH/
    verb
    past tense: bequeathed; past participle: bequeathed
    leave (a personal estate or one's body) to a person or other beneficiary by a will.
        "an identical sum was bequeathed by Margaret"
        synonyms:    leave to, leave in one's will to, hand on/down to, will to, make over to, pass on to, entrust to, grant to, transfer to; donate to, give to;
        endow on, bestow on, confer on;
        demise to, devise to, convey to
        "I bequeath the northern campgrounds to the Yellow Birch Fishing Club"
            pass (something) on or leave (something) to someone else.
            "he is ditching the unpopular policies bequeathed to him"
            synonyms:    leave to, leave in one's will to, hand on/down to, will to, make over to, pass on to, entrust to, grant to, transfer to; donate to, give to;
            endow on, bestow on, confer on;
            demise to, devise to, convey to
            "I bequeath the northern campgrounds to the Yellow Birch Fishing Club"

    en·trust
    ənˈtrəst/
    verb
    verb: entrust; 3rd person present: entrusts; past tense: entrusted; past participle: entrusted; gerund or present participle: entrusting
    assign the responsibility for doing something to (someone).
        "I've been entrusted with the task of getting him safely back"
        synonyms:    charge, invest, endow; burden, encumber, saddle
        "he was entrusted with the task"
        assign to, confer on, bestow on, vest in, consign to;
        delegate to, depute to, devolve to;
        give to, grant to, vouchsafe to
        "the powers entrusted to the treasury department"
            put (something) into someone's care or protection.
            "you persuade people to entrust their savings to you"
            synonyms:    hand over, give custody of, turn over, commit, consign, deliver; formal commend
            "she entrusted them to the hospital"

    ENDOW; ENDUE
    en-dou', en-du':
    likeness between the literal meanings has confused the metaphorical use of the words in spite of their difference in origin. Thus we find in Genesis 30:20, the King James Version "endued me with a good dowry" the Revised Version (British and American) "endowed" (zabhadh, "bestow upon," "endow"); Exodus 22:16, the King James Version "endow her to be his wife" the Revised Version (British and American) "pay a dowry for her" mahar, "purchase" "endow"; compare Deuteronomy 22:29; 2 Chronicles 2:12,13, the King James Version and the Revised Version (British and American) "endued" with understanding (from yadha`, "know"); and Luke 24:49, the King James Version "endued with power," the Revised Version (British and American) "clothed" (enduo, "clothe").

    Heritage:
    estate, patrimony. See inheritance.

    an estate inherited from one's father or ancestors.
    2.
    any quality, characteristic, etc., that is inherited; heritage.
    3.
    the aggregate of one's property.
    4.
    the estate or endowment of a church, religious house, etc.

    Patronize
     1.
    to give (a store, restaurant, hotel, etc.) one's regular patronage; trade with.
    2.
    to behave in an offensively condescending manner toward:

    a professor who patronizes his students.
    3.
    to act as a patron toward (an artist, institution, etc.); support.

  • So glad I found this site! I'm at wit's end. by: paper tiger 2 days 14 hours ago

    I'm so glad to have found this site. I'm at wit's end! I've been married for 21 years and I don't know how much longer I can take living this way. My husband is a good man, I firmly believe he has good intentions and I believe that he loves me as best he can. He has severe ADD (not so much the HD part, thank the Lord) and has known he has this diagnosis for most of his life, but he refuses medication and he refuses to admit that it's an issue. He is so defensive, I never know when any comment is going to trigger anger and a huge defensive reaction. He turns everything around and makes it my fault, to the point that I learned to preface every request I have with an apology that I probably do whatever it is worse than he does but...(fill in the blank).  It's like he has a force field around him that won't let in any sort of acceptance that he's done something wrong. Anything he does admit to, he says I drove him to do.  I've spent so much time blaming myself, going to therapy trying to figure out what's wrong with me, and trying to accept that I have to take responsibility for all the little things that he doesn't notice or see or those things just won't get done. We have tried couples therapy but any time he feels threatened (which can just mean that someone politely suggests he needs to change something) he antagonizes the counselor and we end up quitting. He says we need to find a counselor who is smarter than the 4 we've already tried, because none of them can see through to the real problem. Which I've come to realize in his mind means that they don't see that the real problem is always me, which (believe me I know I'm not perfect) after years of therapy I know is not the truth.

    The hardest thing is, he just seems to entirely lack empathy. He has no ability to put himself in another person's shoes, and he will simply ignore even the most serious situation if it threatens his own comfort or requires his attention. I honestly don't know sometimes if I'm dealing with a narcissist or if it's just the ADD. His parenting mirrors all of this and it's often like having an extra child. He takes everything his teenagers say or do personally, like it's an attack on him, and then he fights with them as though he's the same age (actually, now that my oldest is 20, he's more mature than my husband when they argue...despite the fact that my son also has ADD). He demands respect but he doesn't listen, pay attention, or understand what others are going through and he doesn't do the daily hard work it takes to truly earn that respect. It's hard to respect someone who doesn't listen to or respect you. It's hard to feel loved by someone who ignores your pain and your real needs.

    Our son went through a major depression a few years ago, and he simply ignored what was going on. It was very scary, very serious and it lasted years. My husband checked out entirely, dealt with it by yelling at my son or ignoring him, and left me to deal with it alone. He fought me on getting any kind of help for him and I made the mistake of respecting that for far too long, and our son suffered for it. I spent years on alert, up all night with a depressed kid who I was worried would hurt himself, dealing with escalating issues that involved self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Before long, I had exhausted all my own resources and ended up with major depression myself! He ignored this, too. He ridiculed me. He minimized my pain and refused to take it seriously. He refused to help even when I begged him to stay up with me at night because I was afraid I'd hurt myself. He told me not to go on medication and made me feel awful for considering it. He took my depression as a personal attack on him when he considered it at all, and most of the time he pretended everything was fine.

    After years of this suffering and misery I finally went against his wishes and got help for both of us. Both of us were in counseling and both of us are on medication, and thankfully that has gotten it under control. We are stable now, but the root of the issue is still there...I really can't pretend any more that this is OK or that I'm at fault for all of it. I can't pretend that if I'm depressed or sick or in need of help again, the man I am married to will be responsive to my needs. And honestly I'm dealing with some PTSD because of the scary and prolonged situation with my son. I don't like the person I've become and I hate the fact that right now I honestly have turned off my own empathy and compassion where my husband is concerned. I'm just so tired of his needs being more important than all of the rest of ours. And I hate it that we wasted years trying to make him happy by not facing what was going on and getting help...those are years we won't ever get back. When I try to discuss this with him, he tells me it was awful living with depressed people and wants me to feel sorry for him for having to go through that. I have a really hard time feeling sorry for him, although (since I was the one dealing with our son's illness) I do know how hard that is. Then I feel bad that I don't feel bad.

    I'm committed to staying married and doing everything I can to make this work. But I am starting to think that it's going to depend on whether or not he can face the fact that his issues...whether they are ADD or some other, larger problem...need to be addressed and worked on. I've told him that I want him to go to therapy himself, but he's not done it so far. I really don't think that couples therapy will help until he starts to work on his problems as well, but I'm willing to try it again in hopes that maybe a marriage therapist can help him see that he needs help. I don't know what else to try.

  • Re: ADHD husband excessive anxiety, lack of sleep by: dedelight4 4 days 11 hours ago

    I was just wondering how many people here have ADHD spouses who have extreme anxiety and/or sleepless nights with then sleeping during the day? My husband has both of these, and lately it's been way past the extreme point. He's worried about money, and rightfully so, since we are again on the brink of bankruptcy, but he handles all the finances, and we've never been able to get past "just getting by". (even with him making a good salary, and when we were both working)

         I also know that many ADHD'ers will stay up until about 3am, doing different things, THEN go to bed, and the same is with him also. But, now he isn't sleeping much at ALL at night, but then sleeps during the day, He does have a C-pap machine, which helps, but this goes way past using a machine. He also has EXTREME anxiety, which seems out of control now. I don't think he's been HONEST with his doctor, even if he THINKS he has been. I've been with him, at times, and he doesn't ACTUALLY tell the doctor what's really going on, but when we get in the car, he really thinks he DID tell him. (he didn't/or doesn't) Doctors need to know EVERY detail of what's going on with us, and need us to VERBALIZE this, otherwise they don't know what's going on, and I've tried for years to tell him this, but he only gets angry, so I quit saying anything about it at all. But, now, his anxiety is out of control, and I KNOW he hasn't told the doctor how severe it is. I wish the doctor would talk to ME, especially since he knows that my husband is ADHD.  Do you guys think the doctor would let me call him and say anything? Some don't like this. Just asking.

  • How do unavoidable needs get taken care of if there's ODD in the adult couple? by: Chevron 6 days 18 hours ago

    How do partners get done what unquestionably needs doing, if one or both of them have frequent ODD reactions?

    Some expectations, demands or requests that a partner do something are about things that can be skipped.  Definitiely, if it's ODD reaction happening, I choose to let some things go.

    Other things are basic to living or basic to the future of the relationship, or basic to my or our or his safety, and cant be skipped.  I'm particularly interested in anyone's successful ways of dealing with this basic need kind of situation, in which the partner receiving the request has to act, or things wont get done, but what is happening instead of action is blocking, refusing, forgetting, repeated ad infinitum

      Success to me means that the need for safety, shelter or whatever it is in fact gets taken care of. 

    I'll take any ideas for how to address this kind of dead end.   Here is what I've tried that hasnt worked

    1) Being patient, quietly repeating the need for action on his part in clear simple language.  It hasnt worked to wait awhile, try again.  It hasnt worked to putnit in writing.  Tackling it this way has been Groundhog Day.  Quiet persistence on my part has had little impact

    2) Describing, quietly, the impact of the ODD on me.  My description of my feelings or my difficulty doesnt move the ball of getting the thing done forward.

    3) Blowing up at my partner.  He just blows up back, it wrecks us both and we both end up negatively conditioned to deal with the problem that requires something of us both

    4) Describing why the thing needs doing and why it requires him to do something.  Hasnt worked.  ODD doesnt seem to be affected by information

    5) Giving up on my partner and just adding his part that needs doing to my own part.   This is not workable for me, the situation demands his doing something about it that I cant do for him.  And I sense that giving up on my partner which to me is somewhat different than having a realistic acceptance of what both of us can and cant do, is very dangerous to our relationship.  In any event I'm talking about unavoidable needs that require action on my partner's part, I cant do his part for him, but he blocks and refuses more than a little, and the ODD holds the situation hostage.

    PoisonIvy, shout out to you.  You were much in mind as I wrote this.

     

     

     

     

  • I'm the one having an emotional affair by: cant-talk-to-fr... 1 week 5 days ago

    I am the spouse of a man with untreated ADHD. There are good times but there have been horrible times when he's told deplorable lies to avoid conflict, and has saddled me for years with the majority of the financial responsibility of our family and has emotionally abused me.

    I love him but I'm burnt out from our marriage and I struggle to feel attracted to him. And I just don't feel valued and seen by him.

    Enter the ex and the big dramatic love of my life who I was off and on with for most of my 20's. We reconnected a few months ago and mostly IM but it's become more frequent, and there have been a few epic phone conversations. He is also married with kids and lives far away so although we've both admitted to still having strong feelings we won't be acting on it. But the contact is intoxicating and honestly just gives me something I don't get from my marriage.

    I didn't seek this out but here it is.

  • Need Advice by: ArtGamer 2 weeks 5 hours ago

    I have now proven beyond doubt that the problems in my marriage and home are far more than my wife's ADHD. She came from an abusive family and over the last year has radically increased contact with them. The result is that she is now 100% emotionally abusive and conflict seeking in our home.

    I need advice from people who have successfully separated and divorced their ADHD spouses. I need to know what to prepare for, what to expect, and how to do this in the least destructive way possible.  For example:

    • Are there unusual complications from divorcing an ADHD spouse? 
    • Is her ADHD diagnosis going to be used against me and to her benefit in the legal proceedings? 
    • Is there anything I can do to prepare, such as documentation, to make sure I don't get the short end of the stick?

    I need help devising both short and long term plans.

     

  • Sad by: Tori 2 weeks 6 hours ago

    It's a sad day when you realize your reality. I am saddened by the fact that my husband with ADD cannot change his symptoms and they will not go away. I will always have to be the adult. There is no one who has my back. I am the rescuer, the nurturer, the responsible one, the bill payer, the housekeeper, the laundress, the cook, the kitchen cleaner, the bed maker, the flipping everything. I do not get to come home from work and just plop down on the couch and play games on my iPhone and watch TV until bedtime. I have to prepare dinner, feed the animals, clean up after dinner, help him with his work paperwork. We have been married for 25 years and I have always (stupidly) held out believing that he could train himself to be there for me. I can't count on him to make sure our livestock is fed and watered. If he's supposed to do it and I check to make sure he has done it, he gets defensive, but the is a really good chance that he hasn't done it or has done it half way. I had surgery a couple of years ago and I came home to empty watering troughs for my horses. They could have died. No remorse on my husband's part, just mad that I brought it up, like what's the big deal? They didn't die. I could just scream sometimes. I have a million stories just like that. 

    I did not sign up for this. Well, I did when I took my vows for better or worse, but you know what I mean. I knew he was dyslexic but had no clue about the ADD or what that would look like in my life. He has absolutely no system for prioritizing anything. He will go work on the neighbor's farm when ours is in dire need of working on. He has this need to be important and I get that but why can't he try to impress me like he tries to impress everyone else? He never tells anyone no except me. He loves all the attention he gets from all the extracurricular activities that take him away from home and family. I sometimes tell him to pretend I'm a neighbor or a stranger or a sports parent so he'll help me the way he helps them. My praise does not hold the same weight as a stranger's. Maddening. 

    He is a coach and comes home late 3-4 nights a week. He is frequently gone on the weekends due to coaching sports. This leaves me alone to handle the kids, the animals, the farm, etc. This is not an equitable relationship. I am tired. I am sad. I am angry. I am frustrated. I feel cheated. I feel used up. 

    I think about how it would be to have a husband who is thoughtful towards me. Someone who I could have a real conversation with, where we are equals, where I am not the mommy figure. I hate ADD. I know it's not my husband's fault he has ADD. At this point, knowing that isn't helping me to cope. It's as if I don't matter at all. I am just the means to an end. 

    Thanks for listening. 

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