Recent Topics

  • by: brandicofer - 1 hour 24 min ago

    My boyfriend (who has been coping with ADHD his whole life) is 36 years old.  We began dating at the beginning of this year.  Soon after we started dating, he mentioned his ADHD and the medication he was taking to help with symptoms.  While I was glad he shared this information with me, it was during our courting phase and there were absolutely no harmful ADHD relationship issues even remotely occurring at that time.

    6-months into our relationship, he went from all-in to all-out.  He completely lost interest in me.  And for the past three months, we have been on the verge of letting go.

    Just over a week ago, my boyfriend listened to the first chapter of The ADHD Effect on Marriage.  The audio book was given to him by a close friend who's marriage ended because of ADHD symptoms.  After he listened to the first chapter, he let me listen to it.  We were instantly stunned to realize these issues were so very common in ADHD relationships.  We have listened to a few more chapters together, but we are still arguing.

    He never knew that his tendency to jump from relationship to relationship was based on his ADHD.  It's eye opening for him to have some answers finally, but I think he's too tired to even try to save OUR relationship.  My biggest fear is that I will have invested so much love and energy and time into learning about this part of him, but he will just want to start fresh with someone else, and use the tools he learns with her.

    We've had painful moments between us (an emotional affair on his part) and a few lies.  Knowing his ADHD was not being managed, I have said I want to move forward and not linger on a couple of months that just happened to be really hurtful for me.

    Non-ADHD partners and spouses....  How do you reach him to tell him that the whole he has dug IS fully capable of being filled in again?

  • by: waldewin - 1 day 12 hours ago

    Since I have gotten great advice from here before, I hope that someone will also comment on this. This is partially a continuation of the topic about my boyfriend playing a martyr. I had some time to think and observe and would like to hear your feedback on some additional problems. 

    The more I am together with my boyfriend, the more it seems to me that he is not fully committed. It is this weird combination of being caring and not really fully present in the relationship. What do I mean by this?

    Well, for instance we are taking a trip with our friends and my boyfriend misses his flight (we did not take the same flight). He lets our friend (organizer) know about his delay, but he never contacts me. He is surprised when I then feel hurt that he never considered it necessary to talk to me personally. His opinion was that, I will find out anyways from our friend.

    He goes to work trip (for one month). I have to convince him to talk to me on skype. He lets me know how meeting at an exact time is a drag for him and how he would like to do this once a week or once in two weeks. He calls me needy when I want to meet more often.

    He goes to the store and when I ask him to bring something for me- he protest that, he needs to go to the store all the time (he does not). I start negotiating with him to get my stuff from the store.

    We are talking about the future and my partner keeps giving me unclear answers as to when and where he wants to have a family. He has his conditions (interesting job, good salary, social network) which are currently not all fulfilled. He says that before those things are fulfilled, he is not willing to have kids. However, he is not doing anything to change the situation and it seems to me as if he is expecting me to make a change for him and somehow grant him all these benefits, because it is my interest to have children.

    Does this behavior have something to do with adhd? What can I do, I assume it is not normal behavior? I am so confused because he really occilates between being super-caring and then making a big scene about something which I want. One other example- the other day I was feeling sad about something and then I told my boyfriend about a personal weakness that I have and which I have to address. I in the end asked him for some comforting and my boyfriend got angry, because I am violating his borders (his words). His translation of the situation was- I messed up and then I need someone else to take care of my feelings. I do not understand if these things are really over the top. These are the similar kind of things which, when my boyfriend does those, he considers to be big favors. So I am a little bit confused here. 

    From my perspective it seems that he makes a big deal out of things, that one would do anyways in the relationship.  For instance I ask him every time I go to the store if I should bring him something (usually he says no, which later gives him in his eyes a chance to say that I never bring him something). The same thing about listening- I listen to him, but I sometimes tend to overreact- in situations where he tells me how he has no money at the end of the month to pay rent for instance. Whenever he complains about having to listen to me- he tells me that he does not even dare to say things to me, because I am so judgemental- so again I am taking advantage of him. 

    The bottom line, I am feeling less and less eager to ask him about anything at all, because I feel he either tells me how this is a big favor or he tells me how my request is violating his borders. 

    Thank you in advance for responding!

  • by: c ur self - 1 day 20 hours ago

    I just pulled up my history on this site and my first post was 2 years, and 8 months ago...WOW:)...I've been thinking that I should step away from the forum for a while...It's hard! :)...I've come to really depend on this site...It's been a great dose of reality,...But, on the other hand it can keep me a little to focused on the negatives....So after this post I am planning on pulling (will probably go read only a while, cold turkey may be to much:)..) back for a period of time....

    Several months ago I made a statement to my wife; it was something that I had just posted the day before, that I though was appropriate for what was happening in our communication at the time....And without blinking she said *"That was something you posted""* It wasn't a total shock that she had been reading my posts....To be totally honest, I feel her reading behind me on this forum is the greatest gift I could ever give her....It's not why I'm stepping away....It's just time, for me.....

    I really appreciate all of you that I call friends, and all the truth that has been spoken to me....

    I will just leave this one thought with you all.....Love ferociously!!!... While we are blessed with the gift of today!

    C

    2 Corinthians 4:11....

     

  • by: Zapp10 - 2 days 10 hours ago

    Trying to put this succinctly because I am new to being hopeful about the marriage......but this time....this is ....different.

    Turning my focus to the "why" my H wouldn't accept the adhd diagnosis was something I chose . It did not make sense that he "kind of" could see it and then not. Sometimes we have to let things that don't make sense go and sometimes we dig and dig until China comes into view....and we are depleted, exhausted, confused, exasperated, frustrated......I think I held on because.....I questioned that I loved my H. HE questioned that. He DID that a lot throughout the marriage. And every time I would be STUNNED. He would state (kind of flatly demand) that he wanted my love and respect.This would often happen after a minor disagreement or fight. I found myself completely astonished that he didn't "see, feel, KNOW) I loved him. WHAT MORE could I do or not do? What was it going to take for him to feel loved?

    FAST Forward....43 years. That nagging feeling I had that Adhd was not the ONLY issue here. That something else was preventing him from seeing this...great......ONE more thing he wasn't "seeing"? WHAT wasn't I seeing? GIVE ME SOMETHING HERE LORD !!!!.....a hint, a clue.....

    and ...my daughter called. She had a thought(about our situation).....and that idea opened the door, just a crack for me to see something ......that had been right in front of me....ALL THESE YEARS......why did my H not "feel" I loved him?........because he COULD NOT receive it! He could not receive affection, warmth and all that goes with love. He couldn't equate......because he was raised with no affection, positive interaction and praise, validation. It was an emotionless upbringing except for anger, disappointment and indifference. THAT'S why he would say "I love you" rarely, not face to face(he would look down) and with no emotion. BUT...I KNEW he did....so I accepted HIS way even though something was "off".

    Look up) Childhood Emotional Neglect ( NOT abuse). Because I am aware of H's background ......it ALL came together.

    To say it reduced me to tears is an understatement. To say it took everything I had to go to my H and talk....also understatement. I now KNEW, THAT I KNEW,  what was behind his behavior that was awkward, off, ambivalent... even callous at times.

    I laid out to him, very carefully and briefly what I was seeing. I printed off a short excellent synapses of it and told him.....please do not respond now. Please give it thought. Take your time. Let me know what you think about this.

    He called me 2 days later to talk......we talked for 4 hours straight....(how is that possible with Adhd?) He seemed......relieved and was near tears more times than I EVER saw in our marriage. He said......"all these years I have wanted intimacy with you and I blamed you. I see now......you WERE being intimate...and I didn't KNOW it....it was strange....it's all so strange...but I see myself exactly as they have described. 

    The emotional lability issue with adhd is a biggie. It makes, to me, the other aspects of adhd insignificant and doable in the big picture of life. But EMOTION is SO HUGE with us humans..........history provides what happens to DENIED, STUFFED EMOTIONS. WE have all dealt with this ourselves. Expecting my H to "deal" with the emotional aspect of the adhd was going to be fruitless, confusing and disheartening for him and me......because there was a separate emotion issue underlying all along.

    This is just MY adhd journey,,,so far. It led to other roads to travel as part of the sojourn. I have "met" fantastic people with wit, humor, comfort, pain, eloquence and EXASPERATION.......all because of....love. 

    I dare.....to have hope again.......because this time........something is very very different.

    P.S. This is NOT a BLAME the parents issue. They cannot give what they do not have.....on the flip side .....I did ask my spouse if I could have a "heathen" moment and state....I KNEW IT! ITS BECAUSE OF YOUR PARENTS ALL ALONG!!!!!....and do you know....he smiled and said.......just once.....with everything you've got.

     

     

     

     

     

  • by: oldgoose - 3 days 4 hours ago

    My husband and I don't go out very much. Luckily we are both home-bodies and he enjoys going to his football and I have friends that I get together with and a craft class that I enjoy. I know from experience that we rarely have a night out together that is not ruined, usually by his unwillingness to get anywhere on time or his sulkiness once he is there.

    However yesterday we had been invited out to lunch by my old school friend and her husband. We have been to their house in the past,but only in a party situation so the four of us have never socialised on our own before. We were having a nice time and a good laugh when the subject arose about finding hair in your food. I have a thyroid condition and therefore lose hair on a daily basis, but I do manage to control things by staying vigilant . My husband suddenly piped up " Don't have food at our house then. She loses her hair in the food all the time".

    I felt so shamed and embarrassed and we managed to laugh it off. Later on the subject turned to women having affairs and my husband leaned toward my friends husband and said "I wouldn't care if she wanted to get herself another man, I'd gladly introduce her to someone". Once again I felt shamed and embarrassed.  

    The bad thing is that he only ever says things like this about ME. He will tease his adult children (we are both in 2nd time relationship) but would never say things like that.

    Does anyone else recognise this and how do you deal with it?

     

  • by: dvance - 4 days 23 hours ago

    Does anyone else have this experience with their ADHD person?  He seems to need SO many compliments on pretty much anything and everything he does.  He makes the entire Thanksgiving dinner every year--he always has.  And it's fine.  But for gods sake--all the fishing for compliments--before the meal when I say something smells good, not Thank you, but REALL?  It smells good???  in response.  Then all during dinner--every bite he takes is followed by a deep sigh and then yes, this DID come out well or some such.  Jeez.  Enough.  This evening he made some tofu thing and yes, it looks and smells great, but then he goes in to the kitchen to taste it and comes out with this look of bliss on his face.  I say WHAT?  And he goes, Wow, that really is delicious.  And by the way--I tasted the item that caused the blissful look and guess what--not that good.

    The constant need for compliments--it's just exhausting.  And can I tell you--he is a fine cook, but by no means on his way to professional chef for gods sake.  Same with anything he does for the boys--if he buys them something or makes them something--it's just constant.  Am I just being a big bitch??  Anyone else experience this?  There is so much undone around our house I cannot stand it and then he wants all these kudos when he DOES do something?  His bedroom closet looks like a hurricane ran through.  His desk in our master bedroom--same.  The garage--worse.  The carpet that needs cleaning--bugging me for months.  The stuff he leaves laying around the living room--drives me nuts.  But oh yes dear--a million thank yous for the dinner.  I am a big bitch aren't I.  I just don't think any amount of compliments are ever going to be enough.

  • by: JJamieson - 6 days 2 hours ago

    I know very little about this topic of delusional disorders but....I did read that they can be something that comes with Bi-Polar disorder and at this time....I think this is what my wife is suffering from?  It is the only way to explain it?  I see the symptoms of depression and she does self medicate but that is not her main issue.  Her main issue is that "she thinks"...she see's things, hears things, and knows things that are not there or she thinks I know things or am thinking things about her ( as well as others ) that there is no way for her to know either?   An article that I just read in an effort to figure this out...said this....

    Causes of delusion

    There are two alternate causes for developing grandiose delusions:[9]

    Delusion-as-defense: defense of the mind against lower self-esteem and depression.

    Emotion-consistent: result of exaggerated emotions.

    Symptoms

    According to the DSM-IV-TR diagnostic criteria for delusional disorders, grandiose-type symptoms include grossly exaggerated beliefs of:

    self-worth

    power[5]

    knowledge

    identity

    . A person with delusional disorder may be high functioning in daily life. Recent and comprehensive metaanalyses of scientific studies point to an association between a deterioration in aspects of IQ in psychotic patients, in particular perceptual reasoning.[5][6][7]

    Types of Delusional Disorder

    There are different types of delusional disorder based on the main theme of the delusions experienced. The types of delusional disorder include:

    Erotomanic: Someone with this type of delusional disorder believes that another person, often someone important or famous, is in love with him or her. The person might attempt to contact the object of the delusion, and stalking behavior is not uncommon.

    Grandiose: A person with this type of delusional disorder has an over-inflated sense of worth, power, knowledge, or identity. The person might believe he or she has a great talent or has made an important discovery.

    Jealous: A person with this type of delusional disorder believes that his or her spouse or sexual partner is unfaithful.

    Persecutory: People with this type of delusional disorder believe that they (or someone close to them) are being mistreated, or that someone is spying on them or planning to harm them. It is not uncommon for people with this type of delusional disorder to make repeated complaints to legal authorities.

    Somatic: A person with this type of delusional disorder believes that he or she has a physical defect or medical problem.

    Mixed: People with this type of delusional disorder have two or more of the types of delusions listed above.

    My wife admits to having distortions?  Distortions or delusions if they are exaggerated enough?  She also admits ( and it shows ) low self esteem but nothing of the kind shows other than her feelings of persecution.  She hears things all the time and things things are there that aren't.  She exaggerates everything in respect to her emotions and makes mole hills into mountains. She thinks she can read peoples minds or has this ability? She gives herself credit for having abilities she doesn't have or thinks..she doesn't have abilities that she does have and doesn't know the difference?  She believes things that border on the ridiculous and has paranoid thoughts about people and what they are thinking? ( including me )  Grandiose and persecution delusions appear to the most common types and or a mix including the ones listed?  I cannot help but think this is what my wife suffers from since...she makes no sense what so ever so times.  As it said....high functioning patients do not have bizarre or completely off the wall delusions....just exaggerated thoughts that extend onto others without a means for good insight ( into themselves or others ) and things appear...as they are not many times to a person who suffers from this disorder?

    To me this makes sense?  It doesn't appear to be Narcissism or Borderline ( confirmed by my T ) so then what is this then, I really want to know?  It's more just aberrant thoughts or feelings and emotions which become distortions or hallucinations along with what looks like mood disorder of Bi-Polar which again...I know very little to nothing about?  The key thing that happened just last night when this happened again...was she was in a elated mood from getting a good review from work?  She was so ready to hear bad news or bad review...that she when she heard good news..she was all up and happy and in a more manic state you might say?  That's when it happened and that is when she starts taking on these delusions of grandeur as it would appear?  If this is Bi-Polar disorder...then that is what she has?  She has no idea or ability to see this in herself and one thing the article said was this "cling to these distortions with tenacity"....and if taken from them or if tried to alter their perceptions with insights that suggest they are wrong in what the believe ( even in the delusion itself ) it can trigger extreme reactions and anger or suicidal thoughts as well as a complete disruption of their world...so to speak?  House of cards thinking it's a Mansion...in how I would put it?

    This is what I see as well?  I don't think my wife has ADHD but actually a delusional disorder and possbily Bi-Polar but I think that is only because her mother was diagnosed Bi-Polar but she was delusional as Hell IMHO?  But this is way out of my league and I have no way of knowing any of this other than to say...what I know of ADHD......these things are not present?  If anyone has any thoughts or ideas....I would be glad ( very happy ) to hear them since I really have no idea?  I just googled "delusions"...and this is what I came up with?

     

    J

  • by: JJamieson - 1 week 3 hours ago

    I hadn't done this before....so I looked up the differences between men and woman when it comes to the construct of Internal vs External Locus of control..and I ran across just one article that was enlightening to say the least.  Getting right to the heart of this matter as the article suggests........

     

    Locus of Control, Coping, and Sex

    Abstract

    The literature has shown a relationship between locus of control, coping, and sex.The present study explores the relationships between these constructs. In this study, three hypotheses were tested: (1) Males should have a stronger belief in an internal locus of control and females should have a stronger belief in a powerful-others locus of control;(2) Males and females should prefer different coping behaviors; and (3) Males shouldhave a stronger correlations between an internal locus of control and the different coping behaviors, while females should have a stronger correlation between a powerful others locus of control and the different coping behaviors. The 72 participants (20 males and 52females) were drawn from BU undergraduates that were in PS325 or that were friends of those in PS325. Each participant completed two measures - Levenson’s Internality,Powerful Others, and Chance Scales (Levenson, 1981) and Carver and his colleagues’Brief COPE Inventory (Carver et al., 1997) - and were asked their sex. This study found that there were no sex differences in perceived locus of control, that each sex preferred a number of different coping behaviors, and that there were few sex differences in the strengths of correlation between locus of control and coping behaviors.

    Individuals in western culture are socialized to view females as lesser than males. As a result, males view themselves as powerful and independent. On the other hand, females view themselves as weak and dependent upon males. The different role of males and females is used to explain sex differences in personality traits.As a result of different gender roles, each sex should have a difference in perceived locus of control. Males should have a stronger perception of an internal locus of control and females should have a stronger perception of an external locus of control.If this is true, then the previously described relationship between locus of control and coping should also appear between genders. The more external females should show a preference for coping behaviors that rely on others, while the more internal males should show a preference for coping behaviors that rely on themselves..................though this appears to be a valid conceptualization of LOC, it presents a number of problems. The first problem is externality’s ambiguity. To describe an individual as external is to say that he or she believes that any outside source determines the out come of an event. The outside source could be another individual, luck, or god. It is impossible to distinguish these varying views when externality is treated as a single sub construct.

    The key components or definitions here that are relevant to  "external locus of control" to me are:

    Constructs : Beliefs

    Powerful Others

    Coping with stress

    Sub- Constructs

    And Maladaptive means to relieve stress

    Further, this article went on to say....as a result of different gender roles, each sex should have a difference in perceived locus of control. Males should have a stronger perception of an internal locus of control and females should have a stronger perception of an external locus of control.If this is true, then the previously described relationship between locus of control and coping should also appear between genders. The more external females should show a preference for coping behaviors that rely on others, while the more internal males should show a preference for coping behaviors that rely on themselves............

    Defining Coping Style: 

    Coping refers to how an individual consciously responds to stress (Haan, 1977;Cramer, 1998). It was initially described as two, independent sub constructs (e.g., Waysof Coping; Folkman et al., 1980). The first sub construct, problem-focused coping,includes cognitions and behaviors that act to alter or resolve stress. An example of a problem-focused behavior is planning. The second sub construct is emotion-focused coping and includes cognition and behaviors that attenuate the negative emotions.....

      Locus of Control, Coping, and Sex    A behavioral example of emotion-focused coping is venting (Folkman et al.,1980).A criticism of early measures of coping is that they only measured positive forms of coping. However, some individuals will respond to stress in a nonproductive way.

    This led to the creation of a third sub construct known as avoidant or maladaptive coping in measures such as the Coping Strategy Index (CSI; Amirkhan, 1990). Mal adaptive coping is any behavior or cognition that serves to escape from, but not resolve, a stress.This includes behaviors such as substance use (Amirkhan, 1990; Carver et al. 1989)

    The key terms in this section for me are:

    Coping

    Attenuate

    Avoidant / Non Productive

    Resolution or better   NON Resolution

    This is exactly what I see.  This is the What and the Why both explained to me and now....I have to sit back and soak this all in?

    My personal feelings about this when I read it only made me angry.  It confirmed what I have know most my life..and now I know why?  Powerful others?  Give me a break!!!  I'm not a powerful other...in respect to a person?  That's not my job..to be a powerful other and this seems so disrespectful...and I don't even know how to put this into words?  As defined....my place in this construct ( which is just a stupid belief ) since no evidence supports any differences between men and women ( by nature ) to support any of this hog wash in terms of "social constructs" which is all that this is?  I realize I am fighting against something I have no control over....but none the less....just because I have no means to fight against something ( I feel is personally stupid ) doesn't mean I have any power to do anything about it....even if it's stupid and completely ridiculous??

    I mean really....all that makes me is a "thing" or vehicle for someone else's dysfunction which is exactly what it feels like.....being "used" which it is?  But I also have to apply some compassion...because this is no ones fault...in particular?  Woman..are not "weaker" than men as been proven scientifically through thousands upon thousands of test and research?  And men and women are not different inherently..and this is Nurtures fault?  It is what you are "taught" in other words..and are only belief in something that is not true and I personally...never believed it was which is why this is so frustrating?  You can blame this on men in one respect...but you also have to consider...that there are plenty of women out there who don't or who didn't believe it either which is also very true...even in the past?

    What I feel strongly...and even more now so.....that strength comes from within....and strength in terms of coping....is really what this is talking about anyway?

    I guess for now.....I just wanted to put this out there as a means to explain something....intangible but yet real?  And possibly...shine a spot light on what is wrong....so as not to blame "things" on thr wrong "things"...and in doing so....get to the bottom of it?

    This "Powerful Others" thing...is the one I'm having the most difficulty with?  I find this so offensive and so contrite...that is un-nerves me and I feel a fair amount of resentment over it?  I am not...a "thing" to serve a construct or misguided belief?  I am also not in service or designed to serve two masters in this way.  That goes so against everything I believe in for myself and for anyone else for that matter....that the only way I can see this as "using others" to get what you want in a very selfish and self serving way...only due to what is easy and a belief and nothing more?  It's using another Human being is what it is....and I find that offensive and outrageous....even if it is just a construct which is nothing more than believing something that is not true and a lie?  It's the construct that's a lie.....even though I know that it is...it still makes me angry...and it still makes me feel like I am being used.

    The one thing I know about myself and this much is true....."I don't dance or perform"....or "cater" to someone else beliefs if they are being imposed on me surreptitiously..and presented in a package marked....."should be" and presented as if...."I should?"  And then.... have them get angry at me for "not dancing" and "performing for them"...and doing a "Jig" while they look and in entertainment?  Because I'm suppose to. So they won't have to?  This guy don't dance for anyone especially...an outdated, outmoded , and untrue false belief like this one and the construct designed to make me do so?

    To be sure....I am not talking directly about my wife...but only what she believes which can be changed if she felt like it....by just deciding to do so over night?  It still leaves her without the coping mechanisms though....which is part of what makes me angry?  The way and the means to cope...and HOW she is trying to use me to do so?  The main point that resonated with me however...is confirming that this is not my job and I don;t work for her inability...and that fact that it is not designed to get resolution...and only designed to relieve "stress" at my expense?  This was confirming and validating.  What I do with it...will be up to me to decide?

    Mental....not ....physical weakness.  Just like I said??  And men...have got no corner on the market in that area...as a proven fact?  In fact.....probably lessor so..for a man with ADHD just to begin with?  Which means...the amount of work and effort to exceed a woman in this area....as it suggests from this misguided construct....is really hypocritical and really is like playing both sides of the fence which is totally unfair but...what are you going to do about it?  Fight city Hall?  I don't think so...but it doesn't make it right?

    I will say this for the sake of argument?  My ego not only does not need to be the "Powerful Other One"....and I get absolutely nothing from being that and playing this ridiculous role if that is "my role" that I am expected to play?  To the point...it only takes from me a way....that causes me to be resentful and feel disrespected?  It's Fake....is what it is....and definitely NOT REAL or realistic...in reality....not some fairy tale or social construct? For what it's worth?  I know this is a vent...and I know why it is...but it really is something that has to be dealt with in reality....even if it is only a belief and nothing more?  It reminds me of something I said ( somewhere in here? )....If you want to make a believer out of someone.....experiences IS the best teacher?

     

    J

  • by: DependentOrigination - 1 week 1 day ago

    I had a moment yesterday night... as I was sobbing in the phone to my husband (the result of two sleepless nights - no inciting cause for the insomnia and having only seen him 3 of the last 8 nights about 6 hours total, and no shared nights sleeping together). And after I hung up from my conversation with him, I was kicking myself. Because, while my "negotiations" (for lack of a better term - they aren't really fights anymore - although I have thrown things twice his month) are getting better, I still keep forgetting the rules I set out for myself:


    1. Learn to ask for help without hurting someone. 
    2. Learn to ask for help without hurting anyone. 
    3. Don't miss him when he's gone, and fight with him when he is around. Then it's just a vicious cycle. Love him voraciously when he is around, and love yourself when he is not. 


    So my question is this: When did my best friend, biggest support, and lover, become my enemy, not my ally. As I sat there sobbing on the phone, he said some pretty interesting things like: he does feel lonely, he is alone. And how did our relationship get so turned around we are both contravening the actual things that might make us both better or happier. He truly wants to be a good spouse. So how do we help each other in this?


    (I get why some of it turned around - some disloyalty, my misunderstanding of his ADD behaviours, his control issues - but my husband is a good and generous husband who loves his kids, has tons of acquaintances, but constantly is losing friends). 


    How do I inspire him to make this the greatest marriage on the face of the planet? How do I harness all that ADHD energy and turn it to an advantage?
    L.  
    (PS. Had the shock of my life tonight when my beautiful 17 year old daughter who has been struggling in school this year screened strongly positive on a self assessment questionnaire for inattentive ADHD) 

     

  • by: Catalina S - 1 week 3 days ago

    My husband is diagnosed bipolar - I'm not sure of the specifics - and an addict. But, he's not ADHD, to my knowledge. I'm here because a google search on "I get angry with my husband and he turns it around on me" brought me here. There is a post by someone who wrote pretty much what I'm experiencing and feeling. I have to vent. I need to talk. I have a couple of friends, but they're having their own issues. I can also talk to my daughter, but that's so unfair to her because she also has her own issues. SO, I apologize for what I know full well is going to turn into a venting session or three... ::weak smile:: And I apologize for my wordiness... ::another weak smile:: Thanks for listening!

    We just had another big fight. I'm frustrated, anxious, and I'm sick, so nauseated and have a headache. I want to say, "Maybe it's me," but I know it's not, really. I know that I certainly play a part, but the issues we're having, I understand co-dependency, I understand enabling, all that. I've even been to therapy alone, by myself, because the last time we had a big fight, he told me, "Maybe you should go to therapy and find out what's bothering you."

    ::Deep sigh:: So here we are again. I know I'm here because our fights are never resolved. I know I'm here because I never feel cared for, valued, or heard. This time, the fight was over cranberry sauce... I know my husband likes cranberry sauce, so when I cooked for Thanksgiving, I bought four cans. I went to bed on Wednesday, and when I got up Thursday, there were THREE cans left. He'd eaten a can overnight as if it were Jello. So, I was irritated, but I kept telling myself, "He's such a boy. That's so cute. Well, you knew he was going to do that, that's why you got four cans." I stuffed it. Then, with dinner, I opened and put two cans on the plate and in the back of my head I heard myself say, "There should be two cans for tonight, and two for leftovers tomorrow, but because he decided to have a can..." and then I left off, because I reminded myself that I thought it was so cute and boyish, and then I told myself to let it go. And I tried.

    Backing up now to Wednesday, when my addicted husband went out and got at least five bottles of wine that I distinctly recall, and possibly more. Never mind all the times he has said he wouldn't drink wine anymore, and made all the vague promises of an addict about the wine... The last promise was, "If you get me wine, I'll never ask you again." And I enabled him by getting it, giving him and myself the excuse that he'd just had his second hip replacement in three months, and he wasn't taking opiates, and he needs something to dull the pain... This time, he didn't even ask me, he just got it on his own. Anyway, the reason I can't count for certainty is because of the way my husband "shares" or "metes out" the wine. He was already drinking by the time I'd gotten home from work, of course, so I don't know how much was consumed. Then, when I got home, he poured me half a glass and refreshed his glass. He "shared" the rest by waiting until he'd finished a full glass and I'd finished half of mine. Then, he'd refill my glass to the halfway mark, i.e., a quarter of a glass, and he'd refill his completely, i.e., half a glass. This went on until the night when I would go to bed, and he would continue drinking, sharing the wine as described. Why all the detail? Because it was like the cranberry sauce; most for me and a little for you.

    Backing up now to a couple of weeks ago, and the promise he made about the wine... He asked for beer instead. When I reminded him of his promise, he said, "I promised not to ask you for wine." He smiled in such a boyish and charming way, and reminded me of his suffering, and told me that beer doesn't really get him high, anyway, but it takes the edge off the pain. So I indulged him. I got him some beer and I got myself Twisted Tea. When he finished his six pack, he asked me for some of my TT and said if I really loved him, I would share. Now, I like to have my beverages and space them out over the DAY. He finished his beer within two hours, maybe less.  So, like the wine and like the stuffing, I caved and stuffed my feelings about it.

    Finishing up this post, I promise... SO, back to my years before meeting my husband. I was a single mother for most of my daughter's life. Her father, who is also bipolar and an addict, was so out of control that I finally had to divorce him. Many of the years with my daughter and I were lean, and so I sacrificed MANY THINGS so that she could have a few things. I mostly sacrificed FOOD. I gave her the bigger portions. I sent her to school with lunch, and I went without. I'm not complaining about that AT ALL; besides, I was probably in the best shape of my life then. Anyway, the point is the sharing and sacrificing I did for her I find myself doing with my husband, but UNWILLINGLY. What do I mean? Well, we'd go to dinner, we would bring home doggy bags, and he would eat his AND mine. He wouldn't even ask, he would just eat it, and say, "if you snooze, you lose." Or we'd order out, and I'd order something I really liked so I could take it for lunch, and he would eat it during the night, saying, "Finders, keepers!" When I told him that bothered me, he would do things like call me at work and ask if he could have my leftovers for lunch, or before I went to bed, he would ask me if he could eat my leftovers if he got hungry in the night. AND I ALWAYS SAID YES... and I stuffed it. Then one day I got angry and blew up about it, and I explained why I felt the way I did. I told him I wanted to be in a place where I could just have my leftovers, or just have something to myself, after so many years of sacrificing for my daughter. He stopped eating my leftovers without asking and stopped asking for my food for a while, but it started up again. It finally got to the point the other day when he sent me a text that the dog drank one of my beers - yep, diffusion by humor tactics. So I stuffed it... And then the cranberry sauce happened.

    It's such a small thing. I mean, rationally, I know it's a small thing. Except it's not - there's the bigger underlying issue that he's not even attempting to understand. And to make matters worse, this minor cranberry incident ended with me blowing up like a harridan, a harpy, a fishmonger's wife (all things that my mother used to call me - boom, more underlying issues), giving my husband an excuse to get angry and me for getting angry at him, with the end result that he's now freezing me out, refusing to talk to me, telling me that he can't forgive all the things I said to him, and that he needs space.

    And, we've had these fights before, which are NEVER resolved, because fights always end one of three ways: He apologizes (about 60% of the time), hugs me and says "You know I love you, right?"; Or, I tell him what's bothering me, being very careful not to imply that he's at fault and telling him that I feel like I'm stuffing my feelings and we really need to go to therapy so that we can both talk about how we're feeling with a neutral third party (about 20% of the time); Or, I blow up (about 10% of the time) because I've been sublimating, I try not to call names, but I do throw MANY accusations at him, including telling him he's being passive-aggressive with me, or that he's being a shit then telling him that we never really resolve things and we keep on ending up HERE because we never really resolve things because he keeps avoiding discussions that involve emotions, especially his.

    And so, here we are, again, and he told me this morning to make an appointment for therapy and he would be there.

    Thanks for "listening"! Wish us luck. Provide any insights you feel apply; I will consider any and all. 

    Catalina

Pages