Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • What really works.... by: c ur self 1 day 8 hours ago

    Have you ever wondered, is there something I can say or do, to make my spouse understand what living with them is like? After years of failed communication attempts, have you ever wondered, how on earth do I get through to this person?  I sure have! When someone gets offended (starts off defensive) before you can ask your first question about their behavior. It's not a good sign that any progress will ever be made...

    The reason I failed so often over the past 10 years is multiple...One, I was speaking into a closed mind most of the time which is fruitless...Two, I waited way to often to bring up things when I was angry about it. (Very foolish)...I would end up having to apologize for my tone or my anger and never made it to her behavior...Of course it was obvious that she loved it when this happened...And three and probable the most important, I wasn't prepared to follow through with any real and lasting consequences...

    So  this brings me to my question...What have you learned to do or say (if anything) in a short nice sentence that has made real and positive change in your spouses behaviors? (things that seem to create self awareness, and a willingness to do relationship work) 

    I've got a few to put on the list....

    Action....Love; Love which says acceptance, but never enablement....

    Kind comment....Just love me like you would counsel our daughters and daughter in law, to love our son's and daughters....(This shocked her into looking at her life; she know's she would not want her self absorbed life style to destroy our children's marriages.) 

    Kind comment....Please just leave if you are not going to do the work you vowed to do...Or I will....Action.... be as good as your word....Be completely at peace with living alone if it is the only way to have a peaceful and sane life....(This was the big one, she knew I wasn't going any where for most of our marriage...She knew my commitment, and she knew my hate for divorce...But she knew her calm speaking husband; was done this time...

    I am Interested if any one has found constructive ways, or things they have spoken, to improve the effort and attitude of their spouses?

    C

  • Not just trying to "get along" anymore by: jennalemone 5 days 14 hours ago

    I have never been one to value power, prefering to value love and sacrifice more.  But I am learning that was my undoing.  I have been making it my project to understand power and how a person needs to be aware of it. The following is an article from Psychology Today that helps me to see where I have been part of the problem of my own resentment and sadness.  I think this is important to be aware of.  So some of us may stop crying and start to work on our self esteem and .....oooh, I had always hated this word....POWER. It seems selfish to me.  But I know that I, for one, need to exert some power over my own situation...over my own well being and self respect and real honesty.  I have many times felt that the phrase "He who care the least in a relationship, wins" seems to be the story of my marriage...husband exerting power and "winning" most of the time because I was not playing power games but that is the way he perceives life in general. But I am studying POWER today for the health of being aware and having sanity.

    Power Changes Everything

    Denying the dignity of one partner has consequences not only for relationship stability and happiness, but for health.

    ...The “new science of power” emerging from decades-long research shows that “people with power tend to behave like patients with damage to the brain’s frontal lobes, a condition that can cause overly impulsive and insensitive behavior.”

    The possession of power changes powerholders—usually in ways invisible to them—by triggering activation of the behavioral approach system. It’s automatic. Nevertheless, it makes powerful people quick to act on appetites, to detect opportunities for material and social rewards such as food, money, attention, sex, and approval. They think about sex more and flirt more flagrantly. Poorly attuned to others, they pay little attention to others’ feelings and assess their attitudes, interests, and needs inaccurately. Politeness be damned, they act rudely, indulging their own whims. “Having power,” Keltner reports, “makes people more likely to act as sociopaths.”

    The biological oppposite marks the powerless. Their lack of power activates the brain’s inhibitory system. It also ushers in negative feelings, like anxiety and depression, hallmark emotions of those denied power. 

    “Whenever someone gives up her voice,” says Harriet Lerner, author of the now-classic The Dance of Anger and most recently of Marriage Rules, “whenever one person in the relationship sacrifices too much of the self, that partner experiences the greatest loss of power and to develop depression or anxiety or headaches.” 

    One of the consequences of powerlessness is that the fear narrows focus onto threats and makes the powerless keen observers of those who have power over them. They know them better than the powerful know themselves. It’s a natural channel for self-preservation.

    The necessity of childcare gives rise to power inequalities that erode a sense of self and decision-making power. “The woman usually becomes the only parent who is changing her life for the children. She loses outside influence and sense of who she is. As she loses power as an individual, her partner may exercise veto power in decision making or become cavalier about when to be home for dinner.

    Compounding the problem is income disparity. It tends to give men more decision-making power.

    Enter resentment and anger. It can undermine the generosity and goodwill that make a relationship work. Often, sex becomes an instrument for withholding or rewarding. But most of all, the once-equal partner now has a diminished sense of self—unless she brings an unusual array of personal resources into the relationship. Here’s where charm, beauty, social skills, and fitness count, undemocratic as their distribution might be. They confer power precisely because they imply a person can function outside the relationship.

  • Partner with severe ADHD by: lozzy 6 days 7 hours ago

    Hi all, I've recently joined as some of the posts I've read seemed to be really helpful. 

    Im currently partner to someone who was diagnosed  ADHD from a very young age. When we had first met I was aware of his ADHD, but it didn't seem a problem, it was exciting fun and we got on so well! As time has gone on it seems to be alot more of a struggle for us/me. I have ADHD in my family too so it didn't bother me much, however I've realised as time has gone on and the more emotionally involved you get it's much more of a struggle. 

    It is literally like being on a rollercoaster and sometimes it feels as though he is two completely different people. On one hand he is such an amazing, caring person who would do anything for anyone, he treats me better than anyone has. We get on so well it's nothing but laughter! On the other hand he's like a completely different person, I know nothing other than to describe it as a 'meltdown' he will literally cut me out of his life completely,

    completely just ignore me, act like i don't exist, like I don't matter - this can happen from anything between and hour to a week. As we got more comfortable/close he started to open up a lot more - he often tells me he can't cope, his brain is going to fast for his body, he doesn't feel we should do this anymore as he's ruined his own life and doesn't want to ruin mine too, things like he wishes someone could shake him . On the outside he doesn't seem to have any issues in his life but that's very different on the inside - the further we've got I understand a lot more and try to support him but unfortunately it seems like that's having an effect on me too. I try to understand and not make his life any more difficult than it is as  I know he suffers from anxiety too. On our first holiday we had the most amazing time, it was like a different world - the minute we got back to reality it was like immediate meltdown. After he's had his time away and back with a level head we seem to be on a even path, he often tells me he can't imagine his life without me, over Christmas was amazing and he'll often express to his family ect that I put up with a lot, I'm a good girl ect but it seems when he has these episodes that means nothing. 

    My friends have noticed a change with me and hate to see me upset, they don't understand ADHD and I get it, I get they don't want to see me upset. Unfortunately your friends are your 'go to' when things get a little rough, but as they don't understand they don't understand why I stick with it so it's hard to talk to, or when things get better they don't understand why I do what I do. I can't put into words all the bumps we've hit as we'd be here forever. 

    Recently it has been more difficult as I knew he wasn't feeling great we'd still see each other, but he was a lot more snappy, treated me as though I meant nothing which I was struggling with, part of me though it would probably be better if he actually cut me out for a couple of days because it seemed worse being around someone you felt didn't want to be around you. When I did see him next he kept pointing out I was quiet. I had to try and act normal but I just couldn't I was quiet, out for dinner trying to be 'me' but had so much on my mind, so much I wanted to say, but didn't as I didn't know how he would take it, after dinner when his sister left I brought it up, first he got on the defence but seemed  to calm down a little and listen. The next day (yesterday) he contacted and actually apologised and said he just needed some space, he's going through a rough time and it isn't anything to do with me (isn't unusual) I'm absolutely fine with this - whatever he needs to get his head straight I'm fine with. 

    The hardest part is wanting things to change, deal with things better but not knowing if they will.

     

     

     

     

     

  • Husband with add wants to split by: Isa 1 week 1 day ago

    weve been together for 16 years and we've had the rollercoaster ride many have. He's been diagnosed and medicated but little else has changed. We have 2 lovely children . Over the years I've been back and forth with understanding, tolerance, fear, anger, frustration. I've been supportive and understanding and have read as much as I can about ADHD and tried my utmost to be the best I can for us all. 

    Hes been unfaithful, has got into debt, is short tempered with the kids and has all the usual difficult add behaviours. He's currently addicted to Pokemon go and has got the kids into it so they all go out at all hours for hours chasing imaginary characters. The kids are over it but he's still trying to persuade them to go with him.  He's also a kind, sweet man who loves his kids and can be ( or used to be) charming, talented and charismatic.

    over the past 2 years things have got pretty bad- life has caught up with us and we have struggled. Finances, business, kids, have all suffered and we've become less and less affectionate and have been pretty horrible to each other. I've planned to leave many times as well as trying to resolve our issues and talk things through. He's had his head in the sand and refused to engage with me.  I've read the books, we've been to specialist relatiO ship therapists and yet we somehow never get back in track but never separate either. I paid for Melissa's online relationship course but he showed no interest in doing it. We've been limping along pretending hi ha are ok.

    so tonight he finally says he thinks we're over and I'm suddenly faced with him making the decision instead of me and I don't know how I feel. I still love him but agree we can't go in like this. I don't know if I'm just afraid, sad, worried for the kids, or do I really still want to be with him. Is it a case of not accepting him making the decision? Wounded pride? I'm so confused and uncertain. I k ow no one else can know my situation or make a decision for me but I feel so alone and just don't know what to do. Any support or thoughts ? 

     

    Thank you 

  • Desperately need some help / advice by: themightyasok 1 week 2 days ago

    Hi all,

    my names stu. I bought the book for couples today and found out about this website. I could really do with some help from anyone who might be going through what I am going through right now.

    Basically ive suspected ive had ADHD all my life, i was sort of diagnosed with it a few years ago. Im 39 now, I live in Liverpool in the UK and, sadly, my marriage has failed.

    I have two amazing kids, and a wife I love to bits, and I cannot change what has happened it would seem. However, we have to live together for now and although she is saying she will give me the chance to see whatever might develop in the future, shes also saying that has to happen with us moving in different directions. I think she just wants a simple life with someone who doesnt have my condition, even though i am literally just at the stage of learning about it, and going to see my first counsillor this week. I know, now, that i can fix the parts of me now that caused our marriage to breakdown, and be the good person of me...however, I think the ADHD is not letting me accept whats happening and I am making her life hell at home. I am almost at panic attack stage because the immediate situation i need resiolving wont happen and i cant see the greater good. The book tells me this is ADHD too. She has agreed to read the book but i see no conviction in her because she thinks i have never tried, and now I amn trying when the horse has bolted. 

    I have used drugs and things for years on and off - self medication, need for dopamine, whatever that is,. I have quit everything now but its all too little too late. 

    I need some help. I need some advice, anything, that will help me focus and get through what im going through to give some space at home. Its absolutely killing me, Its crippling because I know now i can fix it. But im too late.

    ADHD is making the situation that ADHD created much much worse. I dont know what to do. I am lost. Has anyone been through this because I need the experiences of someone who might have.

    I feel very alone. All my friends say jst give her the space and time and she might start to see your actions are speaking louder than your words but...I just cant do it as it has a stronger control of me right now than ever. We also both work at home, and I dont know how i will get through the next 2 hours let alone the next 6 months. 

    If anyone can help me with any advice I would really appreciate it.

    Thanks

    Stu

  • Wow. Just Wow. by: vabeachgal 1 week 4 days ago
  • Wife ADHD. Will separation destroy me? by: virgo83 2 weeks 6 hours ago

    My wife of 10 years has anxiety, depression, and ADHD. We have three children, one has been diagnosed and one seems to have ADHD but has not yet been diagnosed. 

     I love my wife, im not going to try and make myself out as a victim, but I am always angry. I try not to show my anger, but it gets unleashed when I feel trapped. I go for a walk.. I yell into a pillow.. I practise mixed martial arts as a way of coping, thankfully I have friends who are more than happy to have me take out my anger on them physically. Sometimes it's too hard. I've cried, we've gone for counselling many times. Over the last couple weeks we've decided to get separated. It wasn't until than that I finally realized that Maybe there wasn't anything she could do. I've always been critical, now I realize to critical. My criticism left her depressed which left her not wanting to be around me. Not because she didn't love me, but because she felt as though she couldn't meet up to my standards. She deals with her depression by meeting people. Starting relationships with people is something that she is fantastic at. Something I always loved about her was how social she is. However because of that she has always had other men trying to peruse her. She loves attention, you can ask any of our friends. However according to her it's always been platonic. With that being said she's had her phone locked for years, and if I ask about it I'm being controlling, and obsessive. I don't check the phone bill anymore because I've had my hart broken so many times trying to figure out why she couldn't just be happy with me. 

    She's always gone to bed with me. So I have no reason to believe that she's been unfaithful other than the fact that she's gone out for coffee or to meet someone during the day.

    if she has cheated on me I want out. But I have no proof and I can't get any transparency. We decided to get separated because we've had enough but I can't afford to loose my home, she has no formal education past grade 10, and I'm worried if I went ahead with it my kids will loose there home, my wife will loose her mind, and I will loose what I've always wanted and worked hard for which is a home and loving family. Recently I talked to her and told her that I'd rather try and work on us one last time. I'm going to a counsellor to see if I can find ways to change myself to maybe bring her out of the bedroom. She stays in bed on her phone the majority of the day, and only comes out to do something for herself most of the time. 

    If anyone has any advice or is sympathetic I'd love to hear it.

     

     

  • His Blinding anger is ruining us by: purplesquirrel 2 weeks 13 hours ago

    Hi, my partner was diagnosed with ADHD and was on medication and seeking help before I met him. He changed jobs during our relationship and chose to come off the meds as he was no longer covered with private health insurance.

    We now have terrible rows. He goes from 0-100 in the space of a few seconds. Then he is like a dog with a bone. He won’t stop ranting. It’s awful. He’s not very good at empathising either or reflecting. 

    The reason I’m still here is because he is incredibly lovely. He has changed so much over our time together in a good way. 

    I hit crisis point over Christmas. I am ready to leave. He is going to arrange Cbt as soon as he can and look at going back on the meds. 

    Will these measures help his anger? Or are we doomed? 

  • Real this time? by: -Willow- 3 weeks 5 days ago
  • Christmas gift idea! by: Heart's Desire 3 weeks 5 days ago

    in case anyone is looking for a last minute Christmas gift idea, I just found the perfect one for my ADHD husband, that I think will also help our relationship! haha

    There's these little bluetooth trackers that you can put in wallets, on keys, etc. and that track to an app on your phone. Called 'Tile'. Available at BestBuy here in Canada. . online in the states and I think if ordered today will arrive by Christmas. Hopefully this can help avoid the frustrated "WHERE"S MY XYZ!!!!!" directed at partners. I hadn't heard of these until today, so maybe this is old hat to some, but I thought I'd pass along!

    Happy Holidays everyone. 

     

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