My ADD husband found out today he now has type 2 diabetes. He knew this was coming, as he had several borderline labs. Yet today he was "so shocked". :/ He says he's been "busting his balls" with diet and exercise. I say- I'm not so shocked bc I watched you down a 32 oz Coke and ice cream 3 days ago. Oh- but that was a special occasion! It wasn't, other than being a Saturday. So now I have this added onto my already full and overflowing plate. He won't take the time to learn about it or plan meals. I am sure I will be expected to learn and make appropriate meals for him and our 5 kids. That's all I needed was ONE MORE THING to have to deal with.
- ADD and now diabetic by: KeriC 2 days 3 hours ago
- Impulsivity and COVID by: bowlofpetunias 2 days 9 hours ago
I recently posted about my wife's impulsivity and COVID risks.
Yesterday, our son wanted to see a freind who is going to be starting college and said that they would walk around locally. OK. It turns out he got in the other kid's car and they drove to a restaurant in another town and ate a late lunch. My son assured me that it was OK because his friend had taken a COVID test for the college. Nevermind that the COVID test only shows if they had COVID when the test was taken, not if they caught it 5 minutes later.
He is very underweight (about 113 pounds at 5 foot 11) and has muscle weakness that he is supposed to be doing physical therapy for. I asked if he had seen the before and after pictures of COVID victims--big muscualar guys who wasted away to skin and bones. He had not. I told him that if he gets COVID he will not have any weight to fall back on and it will therefore be very dangerous. Oh, it will take me time to gain weight so I might as well not start. Oh, we are going to have a vaccine in a few months....
Our daughter has a circulatory problem (Renauds) and also has eating issues.
- Facebook group for ADHD spouses/parents? by: mbuchanan 2 days 23 hours ago
Does anyone know of a good Facebook group for ADHD spouses and/or parents? My wife joined one that was exclusive to the non-ADHD partner which turned out to be mostly a lot of wives venting.
I thought it might be helpful to find a Facebook group for ADHD partners and was surprised to see a bunch of groups for non-ADHD and nothing for the ADHD partner.
Maybe you can suggest something? Hoping especially for something proactive and supportive.
- Well, I trusted her... by: bowlofpetunias 3 days 11 hours ago
My wife wanted to go to an outdoor birthday party at a paint your own pottery place. She asked if I would be OK with that and I said yes.
Just before going to bed, I noticed that she posted photos from the party on Facebook--including one of her without a mask right next to the person celebrating her birthday. The other woman was wearing a mask.
She pushed back at first about how "It was only one time" and "It was only for a minute" before eventually admitting that she had been irresponsible and endangered our whole family.
I recalled that she took 2 cans of beer to the party and then told me she was bringing home half of a bottle of wine that she liked. I asked her if this had anything to do with taking off the mask and she denied it. She had "only a sip" of the wine. The problem, of course, is that breaking my trust in her to be safe at the party makes it harder to believe other things she said.
This is, of course, consistent with her impulsive behavior.
- What can I possibly say to his faulty recall by: Brindle 5 days 7 hours ago
Is there a good way, a helpful way, to respond to my husband's twisted recall of events?
For example, one day he brought up a job from years ago, and then he says, "I only took that job because you were on board." Except that we had plenty of heated discussions where I repeatedly made it clear that the salary would not be enough and the hours would be difficult. But now, years removed, he genuinely believes that we were both on board, that we both wanted it.
Or when he says, "You know, if you would've suggested that I do XYZ, then I would've. I wish you had." I did suggest it; he said no. It wasn't a big fight. Just a quick suggestion, his declination, and life went on. But he can't remember the details of how things progressed or even his own stance on things.
If anyone remembers, he's pretty protective of his adhd, will not take meds or do anything to manage his adhd, and maintains that his adhd is an asset. And almost all of his faulty recall is in his own favor, casting himself in a much better light. And sometimes he even recalls himself as saying the things that *I* actually said or doing the things that *I* actually did.
Sometimes I can say, "Actually, I did suggest that, and here's what your response was at the time," and he says ok. Other times I can just let the story pass, because it really doesn't matter that much in the scheme of things if he thinks some events were different than they were. But as you all know, sometimes big recall discrepancies matter, and I am having trouble with a response that doesn't fan the flame of resentment on either his side or mine.
- ADHD Spouse Asked for Divorce by: Lowered_expectations 5 days 13 hours ago
It's funny, I haven't been on this forum for 5 years, but when I look back on the one post I made five years ago, I probably could have written a slightly altered version today.
This week, I checked my husband's email (it's okay - he gives me his passwords to his stuff because he often needs me to send something for him), and he was communicating with a mortgage broker, telling them that he was planning to get divorced (hopefully within a month). It's funny - it should have been a relief, but I felt super hurt and sad. The irony about it is after ten years of marriage, he's finally started getting himself together. (The irony is, he has actually set up an appointment to try medication for the first time on Wednesday). I can't help but to feel that now that my utility to him is over - now he has the wherewithal to make changes. Without me, he literally wouldn't have made it through his Bachelor's, Master's, and professional certification program (he can't write worth shit, so I was the scribe of almost all of his papers). I make about four times what he makes, and so I've been the one who has supported the family. He was happy to be married to someone who makes good money before, however now that his daughter (my step-daughter) who lives in another state is ready to go to college, and he and his ex didn't prepare for this, he has realized that our higher tax bracket isn't to his benefit for student loans. Before I found out the divorce thing, he was already talking about filing separately. Of course it will probably cost me thousands (if not tens of thousands) of dollars to file as single, but hey, he needs to take care of himself, right? I used to try to talk to him about budgeting all the time before, but NOW he wants to try to figure it out? Luckily we always kept our finances separate. He would give me money and I would cover all the bills. We have a seven year old and of course I did practically everything around the house and had to set reminders on Alexa for things to hopefully happen (which may or may not).
As I'm typing this, I'm realizing that anyone reading this would probably be thinking that he did me a favor. That's probably true, and maybe I'm being petty, but I almost feel like, "who is he to do this when I put up with so much?" I'm smirking as I write this...I know it's ridiculous.
I can own my part of it. I just didn't know how to cope properly with all of the resentment that came from shouldering so much of the responsibility. His case is so severe, that he would often leave the house without saying goodbye, not notice things enough to say thank you, constantly be scrolling through Facebook when I was trying to talk to him (or answer the phone in the middle of a heated discussion), forget to respond to texts, and be completely consistently inconsistent? I can understand him feeling unloved because I had zero sex drive. I didn't want to feel angry, so I just numbed myself. And, he felt that disconnection. We both wanted to feel cherished, and neither of us did.
But the thing is, at the core, he is a good person, with a good heart. He was completely faithful, and I know he tried his best. I just had to contort myself so much to try to keep it all together. The irony is that I had finally figured out how to deal with my resentment - I realized that I could get some of my stress out through mindful movement (as opposed to just exercise), and I was allowing myself to truly feel my feelings.
So, he'll ride off into the sunset with his degrees, the life lessons that he learned from me (I'm not being cocky in saying that, he always says he appreciates me for that), greater insight into how his behaviors affect a relationship, and zero of the responsibility for remote learning for our seven year old (actually, he took zero responsibility before), and I'm left to pick up the pieces.
I know this is really negative, but I just need to vent. I've been covering for him for so long, over-functioning, and I just need a release. Thanks for "listening."
- Sleep issues and codependency/parent/child dynamic by: Janine Diamond 1 week 4 days ago
Hi all! This is my first post here. I'm in the midst of reading THE COUPLES GUIDE TO THRIVING WITH ADHD and almost every page relates to my relationship. It's been a long road of difficulty for me and my husband - been together for 18 years, married for 11 with 2 kids. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD about 17 years ago and has been on meds since. He also has depression anxiety, substance abuse issues and more.
sleep had always been a HUGE issues for him, intially an insomniac, then sleeping too much. It never used to bug me until we had kids really - then his sleep patterns became problematic as he wasn't living up to the normal expectations of"people with young kids". He would often be up till 4am then sleep till 12 or later when he has obligations to attend to, other times be in bed at 9pm and still struggle to get up the next day. He's ranged (typical inconsistency) from thinking his sleep is an issue that needs addressing, to thinking this is just normal for him and it's "fine" despite how it effects anyone else. I've ranged from waking him up, fighting with him to wake up or go to bed, leaving him be and not waking him even if he had something he needed to be up for, helping him set alarms to go to bed, suggesting "ideas" of how to structure his sleep etc.
In my journey to be less codependent and "mothering", I try not to get involved anymore. I don't bug him to go to bed and I try not to get angry when he only gets 2 hours sleep (then thinks it's ok to drive the kids to school.....) . I only wake him when I have to (eg. I'm going to work and he needs to take kids to school).
the thing is - I don't really know where the line is in the "mothering" . For example - on the weekend - if I don't wake him, he's unlikely to get up. I feel resentful (getting up every morning with the kids early) and I get angry, which leads us to fight. He doesn't usually get woken by his alarms (if he sets them) or even the kids jumping on him and so if I don't wake him, I spend the day angry at him. But I'm "mothering" him by letting this whole dynamic happen.
What's worse - sometimes when I try wake him it takes a while for him to get up - and he resists often by saying annoying things like "what for" or let me sleep another hour (at 9am when I've been up since 6am and we all want to do things as a family). Again what's worse is that I KNOW that he IS SOMETIMES capable of getting up on his own (with an alarm) if it's important and he's motivated - like when he had a new job. So this just makes me more irritated.
I used to ask him to write on the whiteboard in our room the night before if he WANTED to get woken up and at what time, that way it wouldn't be MY responsibility but I would just be aiding him (probably mothering I'm sure but maybe less so???) but of course he never did this. I guess the whole issue never really effected him enough to want to work on it - but for me it's huge. We've discussed it in therapy - a lot of times - but still nothing sticks or remains "remember or changed" for long. This is just one of many many issues that are chronic and utterly frustrating. I'm reaching the point of separation being a real option.
so what am I supposed to do? I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.....
thanks for listening ;)
- confusion by: Libby 1 week 6 days ago
After 38 years of marriage I still struggle with understanding some of the behaviours. One of them is the daily contempt and disgust my DH has for me yet he still expects the perks of marriage. He cannot understand why I no longer want to spend much time with him. He goes from screaming at me to asking me to go out to dinner with him. Never any apologies or explanation for the blow ups. Just carry on as if nothing happened. Does he just forget that he treated me terribly? I cannot just swng along with him with his moods. It's crazymaking.....
- Family crisis - and I do mean "crisis." by: bowlofpetunias 2 weeks 1 day ago
Our 11 year old daughter has been previously diagnosed with ADHD and OCD. There is a long history of conflict with her mother. Other issues have manifested themselves lately, such as writing all over her bedroom walls. She has become obsessed with a story about Joseph Stalin killing people by putting them in boxes with insects. She has had increasing panic attacks, including ones that lead her to freeze up and go mute. One time, she started swatting herself and said that she thought that there were bugs all over her.
Last week, things came to a big head. We would not let her go out in a thunderstorm at night. She became furious and kept trying to change our minds. Shortly afterwards, I received a text from our cell phone provider that she had called 911. She said she did it because of "11 years of abuse." The police came and she told them she wanted to go to a crisis center. I followed them to the ER and stayed with her for well over 12 hours, except when I left to get special food for her or something from the cafeteria for myself. The police said she had told them about thinking of running away or hurting herself. She denies she told them this. The hospital recommended transferring her to a behavioral health hospital. Because of COVID, they are only allowing one family member to visit--me. She does not want to see or talk to her mother anyway. So I drive 30 to 45 minutes each way for a daily 30 minute visiting session.
The hospital has strict rules about clothing, and our daughter has also rejected some of the clothing we brought her. My wife looked for other clothes in a very, very disorganized room. She found some in a bag.and looked through it. She suspected our daughter had packed it in order to run away. Our daughter became furious. This was her "apocalypse bag" that she had painstakingly organized in "the Dewey decimal system because she had been convinced that an apocalypse of some type was happening in 6 days. She attributes this to OCD and says she can't possibly have bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. The medical staff, however, have prescribed medicine used to treat both conditions. She refused to take any medication for the first few days--she has always resisted treatment, so we saw this as possible silver lining that she would finally get help. She recently started taking the "lab rat medicine" and has complained about the side affects. She thinks Abilify will shut down her central nervous system.
One of the things she told me last night was of her obsessive thoughts (which she attributes to OCD) about parasites in water. She said she was so afraid that she had been think that it would be better to "end it" rather than dying a slow and painful death as parasites eat her brain. She then told me something about putting the blankets with holes in them outside of her hospital room at night so that she would not harm herself. The hospital has very, very tight limits on what the patients can have in order to prevent self harm.
She told me that she can't have schizophrenia because she does not have hallucinations. She then said that hallucinations meant seeing things.I pointed out the example of bugs eating her. I did not bring this up, but she has previously said that sometimes when she looks at people she sees "all of the cells" in their faces and that the cells have faces. That sounds like a like a visual hallucination to me. She also recently wrote a song about a monster in her head that tells her what to do, including "run away."
She was having so many difficulties at school that the district brought up sending her to a therapeutic school next year. She has been accepted at one for the fall.
- ADHD almost killed our dog... by: bowlofpetunias 2 weeks 2 days ago
Our 14 year old dog has recently had stomach problems and the vet gave her several pills, including one that was to be given only once a day in the morning. I gave her one on Wednesday morning.
There was a crisis with our daughter Wednesday night and I had to accompany her to the crisis intervention center at a local hospital. I was there from 10pm to 2:30pm the next day. Before I left, I emphasized to my wife that our dog was only supposed to get that pill in the mornings. When I returned home, she told me that she gave her the pill at night because that his what she though I said to do. This meant that she had 3 of these pills in a 36 hour period.
Friday morning, our dog was doing terribly. She would not eat. She had trouble standing up by herself. She was wandering around and frequently falling down. My wife even thought we should go to an emergency clinic to have her euthanized that night. I said I did not want to do that while our daughter was hospitalized if we could avoid it. I also would prefer that our regular vet be the one to euthanize her. (He recently euthanized one of our cats.) My wife was worried about what to do with her body if she died on her own. I had difficulty sleeping and avoided getting out of bed because I feared our dog was either dead or would need to be euthanized that day. To my surprise, she was doing much better--walking without falling, putting her paws in my lap, and eating. She has further improved to be able to go up and down stairs and to go for walks in the park. It would have been a tragic mistake to euthanize her given that she is now doing so much better.
Today, I looked up the side effects of the medication that my wife gave her too much of--dizzyness, nausea, lack of appetite, etc. It all fit how she was behaving on Friday! We could have killed her because of side effects from medicine!
I have no illusions that our dog is going to be around for a long time. But i am horrified to think that we could have missed time with her because of a simple mistake.