Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • The Levels of acceptance.... by: c ur self 18 hours 31 min ago

    In marriage, the life we lead (words and action) is a statement to how we view our spouse and our role in their lives...Does your life say I love you, honor you, & respect you?...? Or is your living of life saying something else? After some quiet time and reflection I’ve come face to face as to why this marriage attempt has just been impossible..,If either spouse views their mate as a recreational novelty; for self satisfying adventures, that they can take or leave with no conscience or remorse, then there is really no chance for a healthy attachment to ever evolve from that relationship....

    This reality isn't one that has just started by no means, it's been there the whole 12 years...What takes so much time to come to peace with this reality is because, it's not ours, and we hate it...It's not ours in a individual sense, so we spend years fighting ourselves (like the lady who wrote anteights poem in the last post) because it's a reality that is being forced on us....It's where the term gas lighting comes from...It's that thing that is so deep that family and friends can't pick up on it, they can only see the fringes it...It has to be lived and felt....It rob's the most inward parts of our being....There is no place receptive of our love...And none returning.....

    This truth will be what will help me attain a deeper level of acceptance....Being me (desiring and attempting to do the relational work, from a heat felt conviction) has had no lasting impact on the coldness and indifference I experience and see in her.....So the answer to why so many posts of this site from people with 30 or 40 + years of marriage are the same story as mine after 12 years is, because it's who they desire to be, and are capable of being in many cases...It will never be us (me)....There is power in this level of reality that can cause us to not engage them....Not because we don't love them, but, because we know God loves us, and he isn't lost on this reality....

    c

  • When trying to find freedom by: anteight 1 day 13 hours ago

    I love this poem a woman recently wrote about her experience with breaking free from the emotional abuse

     



    Needing a hug and a long embrace

    But I arrived home to an empty place.

    One that’s filled with fractured dreams

    Memories of what others haven’t seen

     

    Slowly the chipping away began

    All from a nicely portrayed man

    My blindfold was on tight

    But something deep down wasn’t right.

     

    I couldn’t put my finger on it

    It was mostly implicit

    Eventually I learned, just go with it

     

    Life was easier that way

    But then I started to hide away

     

    The ache

    The pain

    It was normal I was sure

    But it kept going and formed a new substructure 

     

    I wanted to please

    I wanted to make it right

    But it turned into fight after fight

     

    The quieter I became

    The better it got

    The eggshells were everywhere

    Peace there was not

     

    The stripping was slow

    The conflict high

    Good times were hopeful

    The confusion woeful

     

    Slowly the lights inside went out

    It must be me I thought...

    he was devout.

     

    The weight of the shame

    The facade of health

    I was longing for inner wealth

     

    The isolation was dark

    The fear was rising

    He put his hands on me 

    The tears were rising

     

    The fight in me had left

    I was sinking deep

    I got lost in the hurt 

    I couldn’t see it was mostly covert

     

    The vision got clearer when he got loud

    The change in eyes was going to deliver my shroud. 

     

    Survival mode set in

    This was all too uncertain

    I knew it was time to pull back the curtain

     

    I’m beat down, crumpled and tossed

    I cannot handle another loss

    Please hear me when I say

    I can’t do this another day

     

    He has eaten away my dignity

    Put his spin on his own enmity.

    But that’s not the end of story.

    This involves the God of glory.

     

    He has seen it all

    And pulled me out

    I didn’t understand what this was all about

     

    I thought I was supposed to stay no matter what. 

    But was there a caveat?

    Marriage was my idol

    I was going to die on that hill

    But I learned, that wasn’t my Father’s will.

     

    He gave me a flickering light in the dark

    And brought very specific people in my arc.

    I was told my boat will float.

    And this is not the time to sugarcoat.

     

    God never left.  He was always there.

    His unyielding love always preserves.

     

    Even when I can’t see it.

    Even when I doubt.

    His goodness got me out.

     

  • Stuffing it again! by: jennalemone 2 days 13 hours ago

    I have been doing pretty good distancing myself in my marriage with the results that H seems to want to talk and be with me more.  That took literally YEARS for him to not hide and isolate from me.  He has always had more time and attention and gratitude for everyone BUT me.  But now that I am not giving any energy toward togetherness, he is fine with that and he is still not contributing any more but not hiding and defensive.  So we live our singular lives and the only conversation we have is laughs.  I think that is pathetic but I stopped caring or expecting anything more. 

    Today I am writing because I just hit a splash of intense feelings inside that erupted from something so small.  I was 3 rooms away and he laughed very loudly from the tv.  I lost it.  I closed the door and turned up the music on compter where I am working.  I am LIVID!  from his laughter!  Why does this affect me like this?  

    Because I have been STUFFING it for a very long time.  I hear him laughing at the tv all the time and teasing me and being a silly clown and he seems happy and carefree and I am ANGRY that he is so happy and CARE FREE!  What the heck?  How do I walk through these ugly feelings and yet not stuff some more?  

  • Looking for support and encouragement by: neeniekitten81 3 days 11 hours ago

    I am 39 years old and just recently diagnosed as having adhd. I am single but I share a home and life with my sister. Long story short, I believe that my behaviors towards her are adhd based. I know there is more I can do it is just I'm completely overwhelmed. She believes I lied to her about who I was and that I'm manipulating and using her and is constantly angry with me. I can see, after the fact, a parent child dynamic. I feel attacked and nagged and unloved and incompetent. She says she feels used and unloved and accuses me of not caring about anything but myself. She eventually blows up at me and I shut down and then she yells at me more for breaking my promise to be there for her and if eventually ends only when I can calm down enough to somewhat validate her feelings and usually I end up crying and feeling worthless. Am I the only one? Does anyone relate? 

  • Coronavirus Hyper-focus by: swampyankee 5 days 5 hours ago

    Anyone else here have an ADHD spouse who is suddenly hyper-focused on COVID-19 above all else?

    I guess I should be glad he's no longer focused on micro-plastics (the latest hyper-focus obsession after climate-change) since everything is now bagged up in plastic.

    I wish I knew how to redirect all this energy into something positive!  

  • Newly Diagnosed and Husband still angry about past behavior by: andreatri 1 week 1 day ago

    I was diagnosed with ADHD combined type a week and a half ago. My husband suggested it to me 9 months ago. I went for a diagnosis with a psychiatrist and he told me that I don't have it. I gave up. I made an appointment with an ADHD specialist and was told last week that I absolutely have ADHD. I was put on medication and I feel like I'm living for the first time in my life. Everything feels different to me. My husband and I are barely speaking right now. When we do, he yells at me about how much I messed everything up. He has so much anger and resentment for me because of all the issues my ADHD has caused over the years. I can't help it and feel awful. I'm learning everything I can about ADHD, am working on behavior changes, building more structure in my life and reading every book I can about it. I'm doing everything possible to be better.
    My husband and I have always had issues, but I never realized that my side of things was caused by ADHD. He actually mentioned divorce yesterday and told me that he's glad I got a diagnosis, but at this point he's over it. I've tried to tell him everything that I'm doing and he says I'm all talk (I made a lot of promises pre-diagnosis that I had every intention of following through with...I just never could) and he'll believe it when he sees it. 
    I've made this major, life-changing discovery and it seems to be too little too late. I can make all these significant changes to my life and it may not save my marriage.

    He doesn't even want to speak right now. I have no idea what to do next. What is my next step? I don't want to bombard him with requests to talk when he doesn't want to be around me. I feel so lost and so sad.

  • Marijuanna increasing ADHD? by: Moz 2 weeks 3 days ago

    Hi Guys,

    I am new to this community, and frankly pretty new with dealing with ADHD. My husband has recently been diagnosed with ADHD after being misdiagnosed (and medicated) for depression. This caused many issues however he is on medication now and was doing well.

    There has been a lot of trauma and loss in his life, especially recently and it has all seem to come to a head over the last 12 months (mainly due to the loss he has experienced).

    I have found that since his new medication has started, he was doing much better, however has now started using marijuana quite a bit, (which really concerns me as he had an addiction to this earlier in our relationship which he overcame) and I feel this is increasing his ADHD symptoms, more specifically motivation to go to work, memory loss and shortness of temper.

    I guess I am just wondering if anyone else has experienced this in their relationship and how they have overcome this.

    We have really been put through the ringer the last 12 months and I am just at my wits end on how we can overcome this and actually move forward in our lives instead of screwing them up more by possibly not being able to pay our bills or him loosing his job.

     

    Thank you :)

     

     

  • Acceptance and self respect, WOW! by: jennalemone 2 weeks 3 days ago

    The following is something I just read that speaks to me and to many of our shared situations. Number 6 is especially something I am coming to realize as a truth and something I am working on.  I used to have self respect.  Since marriage I lost it in favor of my own decision to self-sacrifice.  Acceptance is the key, above all else in living with our own selves. Acceptance has been my lesson that I needed to learn. Acceptance is my path to long overdue maturity in my case. I can't and should not try to change someone else. I can only find my self back again. Jenna
     

    Here it is:

     

    11 Cynical Truths About Life That We Still Refuse to Accept


    Happy people don’t wear rose-colored glasses, they just accept the world as it is. And the world has a lot of unpleasant and unfair things in it. And the people who don’t want to notice this, just keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Life shows us that you can’t have everything you want and the sooner you realize this, the better.

     

    1 Life is pointless, you just have to find what you like.
    Unfortunately, we have no way of knowing if our lives have a special purpose. So, what is the point of wasting our precious time on trying to explain the secrets of the world? Everything seems pointless when there is nothing in your life that you enjoy. You have to try to find the things you enjoy and this will let you enjoy your life.

     

    2 Nobody cares about your problems.
    Many people are able to easily tell others about their problems: their back hurts, their salary is low, their boss is mean. But the perception is that these are just talkative people and people are annoyed by their whining and try to steer clear of them. Before you complain about how unfair the world is, think about why you’re sharing this: Are you asking for help or are you just blowing off steam? If someone can’t help you, what is the point of telling them all of this?

     

    3 Year by year, your life becomes more and more boring.
    When you do the same thing over and over again, it gets old. And life is basically just you doing the same things over and over again every day. You might travel, ride a horse, or learn a language, but year by year, there will be fewer and fewer things that surprise you. And you might feel bored more and more often, which is perfectly natural. Here’s some advice from Joseph Brodsky about boredom: “When hit by boredom, let yourself be crushed by it; submerge, hit the bottom. In general, when things are unpleasant, the rule is: The sooner you hit bottom, the faster you surface. The idea here is to exact a full look at the worst.”

     

    4 There will always be someone smarter, younger, and more attractive than you.
    This is especially hard to admit but, you have to in order to realistically estimate your own importance to other people. If you think you are special, you’re living in an illusion and you will pay for it very soon. Why is this a problem? A girl falls in love with a guy who she can’t control and she thinks that he will change with her, because she is special. Of course, this will never happen. Or an employee tells their boss that they are leaving, hoping the boss will beg them to stay. But the boss just lets them go and they lose their job. So, the sooner you realize that there are many people like you, the better your life will be.

     

    5 The closest people to us usually hurt us the most.
    Your loved ones know your weaknesses and sometimes they hit you where it hurts on purpose. These are the toughest times, because we never expect this from them. In order to reduce the damage, just lower your expectations. They are people just like you, they also make mistakes and they have their own desires that are not always the same as yours.

     

    6 People use you because you don’t respect yourself.
    This is simple: if you don’t value your own time and power, you will spend it on other people. And you will feel as if it is your own choice. You help a person time after time and then it turns out that they just allowed you to help them, but they have nothing to give back to you. And when they are tired of you, they might just leave you. And it is not that people are not grateful, it is that you are not valuing yourself enough. Instead of spending some time on yourself, you spend it on others. Think about yourself first and then your relatives and other people who need your help.

     

    7 Your health will deteriorate.
    Obviously, when you are 40 years old, you will not feel like you did when you were 20. The sooner you realize this and do something about it, the better you will feel in the future. Bad habits help illnesses show up quicker. According to doctors, defective genes load the gun and bad habits pull the trigger. This is why you should walk that extra mile, eat a few vegetables for dinner instead of fast food, or take an extra day off if you are tired. And you can’t and shouldn’t treat yourself like a creature that will live forever.

     

    8 When you are old, you will be alone, and you have to be ready.
    And you should be ready both physically and mentally. No matter how sad this is, with age, we have fewer social interactions. Children and grandchildren can’t save us from loneliness and when we are old, we spend most of our time alone. But old age is not all that scary. Nowadays, older people have more opportunities: they can continue working (if they are good at what they do) or have a hobby. It all depends on how you handle aging: if you reconsider your position in society and in the world, you can adapt to the new way of things.

    9 There is always a chance your partner will stop loving you.
    Promises of eternal love are very rarely kept. Social experts believe that people are inclined to change partners. Feelings go away and you should keep this in mind if you are in a relationship. You can’t just let the other person be everything to you in your life. If they one day stop loving you, you will have to build your entire life from ground zero and this is a tough thing to do.

    10 In a relationship, it often happens that one person loves and the other one is loved.
    If you feel that you give more than you get in your relationship, it is because this is probably true. This happens either because your partner doesn’t show their love the way you want them to, or because they don’t love you but they are just comfortable living with you. In the first case, if you just tell the other person about what you want, they may try to change. And if changes don’t happen, then you’re probably experiencing the second problem and you need to decide whether you actually need this relationship.

    11 Working on a relationship is almost always pointless.
    Many people understand “fixing a relationship” as attempts to try and change your partner, set ultimatums, and fight for your own interests. All these actions will probably only lead to a bigger crisis. Instead of trying to get your partner to do something, psychologists recommend giving them what they want. So, you don’t need to work on your relationship, you need to work on yourself and this is true for both of you.

     

     

     

  • Is there hope? (Does medication help with emotional regulation) by: sunshi 2 weeks 5 days ago

    Hi, first of all, I'm so happy to have found this forum. Your stories and advice come very handy to address my personal situation. I've been in a relationship with my partner who i believe has adhd. He very often gets upset about trivial things, starts to blame and bash about me, and keeps on pushing my buttons until i explode. Fights used to escalate with me screaming at him, with a period where i slapped him out of frustration. Luckily i stopped doing that but started to slap myself because he made me feel so shitty about myself. We tried code words, me walking away (but then he chases me), me trying to reason with him (but he just needs that explosion). Nowadays, i just stay quiet, i take whatever he throws at me and just hope the situation does not get worse. It goes without saying that my self esteem is being imoacted by the constant bashing. We have faced huge changes in our family situation recentand this brought up a wave of harshness i had never experienced before. It took me some time to find a rational explanation for his behavior other than he is a bad guy. I tried to convince him to get an adhd diagnosis but he refuses to do so. Right now we are debating whether we should go to relationship therapy (preferably with someone who has experience with adhd), but before we give it another go, I'd like to have your opinion: suppose my partner would face his responsibility and get an adhd diagnosis, suppose he tests positive, is there any chance he will get his emotional outbursts under control? I heard in a podcast that only pills can solve these outbursts, that cognitive behavioural therapy is not enough. Is that true? And are pills really able to solve the outbursts?  I'd also love to hear some positive relationship stories with adhd-ers if there are any. With the big changes and the constant bashing, i feel completely drained. Of course, this post only talks about emotional outbursts, the issue of hyperfocus is another change in our relationship. I feel so utterly hopeless. Thanks in advance for your advice. 

  • He feels misunderstood by: cennera 3 weeks 2 days ago

    Hi All,

    My partner has ADHD and he is recently going through a rough period with his work, particularly with the uncertainty of losing his job as well as being in the early stages of his career in his field. We've had a couple of heated conversations where he says that he is not being seen by me and that I don't understand what he's going through. He sees my day-to-day and ends up comparing his situation to mine, as well as his situations to other "careers". I'm generally very patient with him, especially when he has manic episodes due to the amount of stress he's on, but in general, he almost doesn't want to hear what I have to say. I try to be encouraging and I genuinely believe in him, but no matter what I say, I end up being the one told that I don't understand and will never understand what he's going through. For some background, we've been together for almost two years (he's in his early 30s and I'm 26), he's had ADHD since he was a child and he takes a pill in the morning and a pill to fall asleep at night, he has bi-weekly therapy sessions (I am sometimes with him in his sessions and they generally only help in the moment), and at times of very high stress - he ends up having to drink alcohol to take away his present pain.

    I don't necessarily know how to frame my problem other than that I don't know what else I can do to be any more supportive than I already am. I listen and I generally am very objective when communicating to him, but any type of actionable comment or advice I give him will backfire and he will then use his go-to reply of "you don't understand", which does hurt me a bit, but I get it. I see myself as a generally stoic person, while he is pretty much the opposite and can get very emotional. I do love him, so I try to educate myself on ADHD and how to love him, but sometimes it can get hard and I feel like giving up.

    If you have any comments, questions, or advise, do let me know. 

    Thanks

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