Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • My ADHD boyfriend ghosted me twice by: VBX 3 days 17 hours ago

    Hey everyone 

    im new here and love reading the other posts. I'm not married to this guy but I've been in a relationship with him and I've been hurt badly.

    He told me he's got adhd straight away and I could tell as he was so impulsive but I loved how fun and crazy he was. When we got together it's like it was meant to be, he was so in to me! It was a long distance relationship but we'd met through a friend and chatted loads before we got together. He works away and we FaceTimed 3/4 times a day, we had the most incredible long weekend away together and he was so in to me. He even said he can't believe how on to me he is so quickly, he really cared about me, would be there for me whenever I needed him to be, he was looking in to booking a holiday for us and he made me his world. I fell for him very quickly and he said he's fallen for me too. I was so happy I thought I'd found my soulmate, we just clicked straight away. 
     

    4 months in (I know it's not long but it was intense and amazing) we had a few days away planned and he just didn't show up. He didn't answer my calls or anything. A few days later he got in contact and didn't even seem sorry he said he's on s bad place, he thinks he might have bipolar and id going to go to the doctors. 
    He pulled back massively he didn't seem interested in me anymore but I was always there for him. I wanted to fight for him so kept on texting him telling him I was there for him.

    He then started FaceTiming me again and didn't mention bipolar but started talking about his extreme adhd and saying he's never wanted to go on medication but hr knows it's now time to. He's got a doctors appointment in two days. 
    He FaceTimed me last Monday and seemed himself again, he said he was in a much better place (this was a month of on/off speaking to me but me constantly messaging him asking if he's ok) He was asking how I was and said he wants to see me again, said he didn't want me to trade him in. I said I'm here for you always no matter what. 
    Thr following day he ignored me, I saw him online and he wasn't responding to me, I admit I went a bit crazy and kept texting him saying please FaceTime me let me know you're ok, you're not ignoring me again are you? Etc

    He FaceTimed me thst evening saying he's just been busy, I said I was worried about him abd he told me to stop worrying he's fine. Since last Tuesday I've text him twice and he's not responded, he's ghosted me for s second time. The first time he did it he made a joke out of ot saying he's been googling why he ghosted me and he sent me a link on hyper focus on a relationship. It said they lose interest after hyper focus so I asked him if he'd lost interest and he said he hasn't. He said he's been crying a lot trying to make sense of it all and he's going to a seminar on adhd at the weekend. I really want to be there for him, I care about him so much but I said I'm my last text I will never turn my back on him but I will leave him alone. Now I feel i can't reach out to him anymore and I feel like now I've lost him for good. I'm so hurt as I miss him and I just don't know wgst to do. He's put me through a lot this last month and I'm still desperate for him to call me as I want to be there for him still. 
    Just after any advice on how to be there for him when he's ghosting me and now I've stopped reaching out do you think he'll come back or will he just be on to the next woman to hyper focus? 
     

    Thank you :)

  • Can a hidden camera really be blamed on his ADHD? by: ThumbelinaB 5 days 7 hours ago

    My husband was diagnosed with ADHD in February. He hid the diagnosis from me (he said its a private matter, and he’s very secretive by nature) and I only found out because I found the tablets. 

    There’s a backdrop of him blindsiding me with things in our relationship - his impulsive behaviour / not thinking through the consequences is as a result of his ADHD, but hiding his diagnosis was almost the final straw for me. We have two young kids, one of whom is struggling at school - so his diagnosis is relevant and it is not a private matter in my mind.  

    We’ve been having counselling since the summer. I thought we were making some progress. The counsellor is vastly experienced in ADHD and ASD; every scenario I give her, she can explain as his ADHD brain. Which is helping me to understand why he is as he is/why he does what he does, but it doesn’t make me feel better about the stuff he’s done.

    On Tuesday night I discovered he’d put a spy camera (hidden in a USB charging port) in our bedroom. When I asked him about it, he lied, and promised me it didn’t have a camera in it. The truth eventually came out, I stayed calm, despite being upset and feeling violated. He’s not even sorry for what he’s done. He’s paranoid that I am snooping on him, paranoid because things in his office keep moving (I never go in his office! But we’ve got two kids who do!), paranoid I’ve hired a private investigator (erm, that’ll be a no!), and feels he’s ‘justified in his actions’. I’m at a loss. 

    I feel like I’m going insane as I can’t talk to anyone about this who knows him as they all think he’s wonderful, fun, a great dad...

    Can this behaviour really be his ADHD, or is it something more sinister?
     

  • ADHD and Divorce. by: Simone 6 days 6 hours ago

    I am close to my breaking point.  Has anyone has had experience about divorce proceedings with someone with ADHD? Its so difficult to accomplish anything with my spouse that I cant imagine how difficult it wil be to go through a divorce (splitting assets, signing documents, etc). Any tips? Thanks

  • ADHD, Anger or manipulation? by: Simone 6 days 6 hours ago

    I have been married to my ADHD husband for 13 years (no kids thank god!).  We met at work and although he had his quirks, he was (and is a brilliant guy). However thing have gotten  bad in the last 6 years. He hyper analyzes everything, up to the point that it is difficult to make  decisions. And he knows everything (so forget about therapy, coaching, etc). I read what others post here and I see my relationship with my husband.  He was caring at first, not anymore. He has become really aggressive every time I said something that requires his attention. Things get so bad, that we drop all difficult issues and "pretend" we are ok. Lately he starts yelling and calling me names. When things calm down,sometimes he apologizes for it and becomes charming and caring, until the next argument.  I feel I am walking on eggs all the time. Sometimes I think  I am married to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  I wonder if he is manipulating me with his diagnosis of ADHD and controls this relationship how he wants  (he has been diagnosed with ADHD). 

     

  • Techniques/Tips For Inspiring The Other Partner To Prioritize Healing The Relationship More by: Varden 2 weeks 1 hour ago

    Hey everyone,

    I'm the non-adhd partner in a mixed relationship of more than six years. While we're not married yet, we will talk about it frequently and have for years now, but the timing just hasn't been right. We would've probably married about 2 years ago or so, but something really big and traumatizing happened to the both of us: her father passed away over the course of a year and a half to cerosis of the liver. The whole experience really sent her into anxiety, depression, and brought out symptoms of her adhd that she'd learned to outgrow from her school years (traits and qualities I'd never seen up until this point, even years into our relationship). Throughout the process of not only going back to school, starting her own business, losing her father/coping with grief and her toxic family, she's started to take medication again and see a psychotherapist for her adhd. That's been about a year now, since she started taking meds, and she used to take them when she was younger, but never do anything else about it, and I think that's a part of this issue...

    The trauma that the whole death scenario, rediscovering how adhd fights against her often, and many other things like the pandemic and losing friends has left us both hurt. If you've read Melissa's book, I feel like we're 98% of exactly what she describes. We've become two different people, enraged, confused, and separated by our shared trauma. Her's being PTSD, mine being secondary PTSD. Her's being ADHD flares, mine being compassion fatigue. We both established that we need to work our own healing and our healing as a couple, so she's started seeing a therapist for her grief/anxiety, and I've started seeing one for my situational depression/anxiety/resentment. On top of that, we're in the process of finding a therapist for us as a couples session... But by "us" finding a therapist, I mean me taking hours and hours out of my busy days, wherever I can, to find someone who's covered by insurance AND fits her tight standards for someone she's willing to see. So, I took the time, compiled a list of about 10 counselors I could reach out to, and when I asked her if she could spend 5 minutes with me and point out her top three that I could reach out to and schedule us a session with, she said it was too hard of a topic for us to talk about first thing in the morning. Come the evening time and I mention it again, and she's too tired to think critically right now (even though the past few nights she's been up until 1-3am, and when I asked her in the evening it was around 8pm). Well, it's been four days and as you can guess, she still hasn't told me which therapists she prefers me reach out to. I'm trying to take the not-nagging approach, since I feel like I made it clear I have it ready to talk about and that the ball is in her court. But then this happens: innaction. At this point, this is where my old passive aggressive (or just feeling-responsible-for-everything-as-the-non-adhd-partner) self would come in and I would just schedule something for us, but I know if I do, she'd complain I didn't get her input and would most likely close off even more to getting this off the ground.

    When she first found out that adhd was holding her back and starting to hinder her life again, I completely opened my mind and have always listened. When things continually got worse and our communication broke down and we started to realize it, she would say that I just need to learn more about adhd to understand her, and not to try and force her to be someone she's not. Well, what happened? I did dive in and I've done countless hours of research and reading over the past few months. Literal DAYS worth of hours just reading books, listening to videos and podcasts, and searching the internet. When I discovered Melissa's book, I immediately listened to it every chance I got because Iw as desperate for answers on why it had gotten so bad and anything I could do to fix it. We share an audible account, so I asked her if she would listen to it too, and she said she would. Now, it's only 8 hours in audiobook form, and I finished it twice in a week. She didn't even start it. Then she went away to Disneyland with her Mom and sister for 4 days, and when she came back, I had listened to Hallowell's 'Delivered From Distraction' twice as well too. I told her about that one too, and that it would be a good start for her and is even way shorter, but since then, she's still not listened to either of them.

    That was OVER A MONTH AGO. Am I crazy for feeling like she's not committed to learning about this like I am? She says she is, and when I even try to bring up anything about it, she gets defensive and says I'm just criticizing who she really is, trying to change her, don't understand her, or that I'm trying to control her. If I ever DARE to bring up how her unmanaged symptoms hurt me, she's go full victim mode, and it feels like she denies my pain. Or she'll say she feels hurt how I don't think that she's committed to it if I try and bring up how easy it would be for her to find 3 hours over the course of a month. There was literally a night just last week where she stayed up until 4 am and when she woke up, the FIRST thing she talked about was how much she was loving re-watching her favorite show and binged 4 episodes of it in a row. THAT'S MORE THAN THE TIME OF THE BOOK. I'm sorry, I feel like I've got off the rails and just started ranting... But I think I finally got enough of the story out to ask my real question here:

    How can I approach the topic of healing and understanding adhd and it's effects on me without her getting defensive or shutting down? How do you know when to engage again when you've disengaged to give them space to show you they can do something themselves but just WON'T take ANY innitiative, even when there's countless opportunities?

    I don't just feel like I'm walking on eggshells... I feel like I'm swimming in a pool of glass shards, and she's STILL denying that I'm hurt or that healing us needs to be priority number one.

  • ADHD spouse runs away - literally by: wildflowers 2 weeks 4 hours ago

    This is my first post. I’ve read and lurked for a good long while.  Finding solace in shared experiences.

    Can we talk about running away? My grown adult husband has run away several times now in the last few years. RUN AWAY! As in twice I had to file missing persons reports, other times I didn’t. One of those times after he was found as he was crawling back home after a 23 hour over the top meltdown, we then got to sit in the hospital for 18 hours with no help after the police found him and brought him to the ER. (Covid has the ER packed and psych couldn't get to him)

    Of course, when he does this, he’s in some sort of head space where it’s entirely impulsive, ill-contrived, thinks he's the victim and even says so much while he blames me and then he grovels at the end when he crawls back and says how sorry he is. Rinse and repeat. Like all the other dysfunction with him. Rise and repeat with complete and utter nonsense that he just won't hit the breaks on.  I’m over it. It’s just plain abusive and toxic for me. I don’t care the label on the explanation behind it. It’s just not healthy and for me, it’s been soul sucking.  I've gotten to the point I can't even hold my tongue when he starts up anymore.  Not helpful, I know.  But my goodness, I am human and not this robot he seems to demand that is here just to meet his unending needs and whims and clean up after his chaos and massive mess of a life (only because I'm trying to keep mine afloat because my raft is connected to his!). 

    And no – he is not seeking proper treatment. Refuses despite him pretending to offer up just enough lip service to keep me providing for him. It's like having a special needs child with the worst attitude.  You know how it goes. If he were getting right treatment and not in deep denial, we would likely be in a different place. Can’t make him though. Not my job. His RSD and overall emotional dysregulation has gone through the roof over the years. No books or seminars have made headway with him (yes we tried Melissa’s seminar and I will tell you, easily 90% of it went right over his head – right over)

    Tonight – again, he’s run away. And I am no longer chasing. It’s abandonment plain and simple. On top of the emotional, physical, mental, spiritual and financial abandonment that cropped up years ago in our relationship. I’m so tired of him running away when he’s in a position of needing to act like a grown-up or just doesn't get his way or get to be comfy and do whatever he wants when and how he wants. This is his answer. Like a toddler who didn’t get a cookie. ADHD or not – who does this? I am convinced there are other co-morbid disorders that have yet to be diagnosed.

    He has to fend for himself now. I’m done rescuing him from his own poor choices. He has his phone with him (that of course I pay for) refusing to answer. I’m ready to suspend it and be done already.

    Anyone else ever deal with this pure insanity of an ADULT running away?

  • Struggling to communicate in a new relationship by: Jenkybob 2 weeks 3 days ago

    I've recently entered into a new relationship with a fantastic person who has ADHD and autism. When we are together, and can talk face-to-face, then the relationship is one of the best I've ever had. She is kind, caring, a fantastic Mum, and everything I want in a partner. She is also incredibly strong, and very independent.

    However, over text she has a tendency to be incredibly aggressive and defensive, and no matter what I respond with it is never the right thing. I feel like the conversation is predetermined in her head, so I could say nothing and still get shouted at. Recently we had a rough weekend, which was no fault of anyone's, but it was an incredibly stressful situation for her, to the point that she was starting to break down. Since then, she has been stuck in a loop of telling me I don't care about her, and being angry at me and disappointed in me. Yet, when I reach out to support her it only seems to make things worse. She feels like I'm not listening to her, yet is reluctant to share with me. She also has a tendency to accuse me of lying. I am potentially autistic myself but have not been tested, so I do struggle with reading emotions over text and I communicate poorly sometimes. I shared this information with her yesterday, and she felt as if I had been lying to her and deceiving her for the entire relationship, and because of that it invalidated everything I had told her previously. Though, I felt like this was my choice to share when I felt comfortable and had nothing to do with how I feel about her.

    She will also regularly just say she's leaving, or say"Goodbye" in a message to imply that the relationship is over. Yet, will continue to respond, though these will be hurtful messages. I feel like these are cries for help more than anything, and she's used to people just giving up on her. I spent 5 hours on the phone with her yesterday, just trying to talk to her and reassure her, and it barely made a difference. The relationship was genuinely saved when her Son started making us both laugh over the phone, and it was like everything was back to normal in an instant.

    I care about her an awful lot. How do I reassure her that I am here to support and love her to the best of my ability, without potentially causing an upset? I've been really trying, and fighting so hard for her, and us. But, I feel like she hates me for it, and there is only so much apologising I can do.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks.

  • Avoidance and diversions by: jennalemone 3 weeks 4 days ago

    "Avoidance is an unhealthy practice and when we have the courage to face something terrible that courage is rewarded with the gift of a deeper connection to our inner wisdom."

    The most unattractive trait of my spouse is that of avoidance.  Everything is kept at a superficial level and peppered with jokes and teasing - walking away in the face of meaningful communication. I have not had the tenacity to keep fighting that invisible wall that keeps us separate. When there is no active fighting, he seems to think that things are fine. He just wants me to leave him alone while he anesthetizes himself with solitary diversions.  I feel odd that we are living this way and I hunger for partnership and companionship.  

    Today I am going to visit an old friend who is at the latter stages of ALS.  The quote above is from writings of her husband, observing the visits that she has been inviting in the midst of her disabling disease.  I am reminded that real love is the willingness and ability and courage to share the parts of ourselves that are the difficult and joyous - the stuff of life and in the end, decline and death.  Real love is courage to walk through all that life stuff together, communicating with the ability to see and connect with love and care.

    I just had to share my thoughts about this somewhere and this is one place I feel comfortable to do that.  You are like my friends.  I know after my visit with my friend today I will be inspired to share my real self even more and lessen my own avoidance and diversions, enriching my life and relationships.

     

  • In denial by: ExtraCare01 3 weeks 4 days ago

    I'm pretty sure that my husband is showing ADHD symptoms, but he doesn't think so.

    I've tried giving him examples and all he says is that " he's special " then tries to laugh it off. And will say he's not ADHD.

    How do i get him to realize what he does is affecting our relationship, I don't want us to split up, we've only been married 18 months, but as it stands at the moment, because life has become difficult and I'm also going through some hormone changes being Peri-menopausal, he blames a lot of the way we feel on me, and i don't know how much i can cope with this.

    I said that i would get help which i have, but he's stuck in denial and hasn't even considered changing or doing anything to work out why he is the way he is.

    He won't read any info I give him, he struggles. He won't watch videos for long particularly at night, because he gets bored and falls asleep. We can't have too long/serious conversations because again he gets bored and stops listening, 

    Please help! x

  • ADHD spouse walked out - any chance of recovery? by: Hopeful135 4 weeks 6 hours ago

    My partner walked out on our 25 year marriage 4 weeks ago. He was diagnosed with ADHD in May after our adult sos diagnosis, and is still waiting to start the medication process. We have been having problems in our marriage for a while now and were trying to reconnect. More unsuccessfully than i realized.  I now feel having found Melissa's book that I was so fixated on healing the disconnection that I was probably unintentionally pressuring him into doing things with me rather than give him the space he may have needed to heal. I was pushing for his help to get the work we still had to finish in the house after building works were done. So in essence pushed him to his limit.  We have had a few sporadic basic whatsapp chats since he left but not had any verbal contact. He says he is scared of how I would have reacted if he had spoken to me. Which is a shame as I was never given the chance to prove him wrong and the opportunity for us to discuss things went by.

    I found Melissa Orlovs book soon after he left and reading it has really opened my eyes to my behaviors, his symptoms and responses to my behaviors. I truly want to keep trying but feel he might not be willing at this moment if at all. I feel he has no idea of how it feels from the non adhd spouses side of the relationship and so can't move past the blame game. I have so many questions I don't know where to start.. Is it to late for us? Have others got this far and recovered? I understand so much more now and want to share it with him in the hope he has the same epiphany I had. Should I ask him to read the start of Melissa's book the ADHD effect on marriage in the hope of it opening his eyes too? When's a good time to do this? Any advice would and hope would be gratefully received. I'm currently hyper focusing on getting through to him, reading and listening to podcasts but worry I may push too hard and that I'm setting myself up for a massive fall when he just swipes my attempts to get us to counselling aside. All this and I have no idea when we'll be getting together. Hoping it will be within the next two weeks as he's back in the uk then. Ever hopeful

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