Recent Topics

  • by: dvance - 9 hours 43 min ago

    So tell me if I am being unreasonable.  A little background:  both of my sons and my DH are ADHD.  Right now only the 17 YO son is medicated.  He is a 6'4" tall senior in high school, worked full time all summer and now works part time in addition to school.  He has a girlfriend who I ADORE and she is over by us often, which is fine with me.  She is a doll and very easy to be around/have around.  The 17 YO was also in rehab in February and has been clean and sober for several months now.  By and large, he is a good boy.  It is my opinion that DH babies him WAY too much.  They have this odd up and down relationship--either the 17 YO is all about his dad and I am shit or he thinks his dad is ridiculous and I am the only one who knows anything.  The 17 YO does not know the extent of the financial trouble DH has gotten us into or the three other women that have been in his life in the past 5 years.  So it's kinda hard for me to hear what a hero/great guy dad is when I know what really goes on.  Now here is my issue: over the weekend, the girlfriend was over, we were all home, all was well.  DS was messing around and pulled one of my earrings out of my ear.  The post bent.  It's an expensive pair from Tiffany.  I took it to be fixed and it will cost $60 to fix.  I think DS should pay for it.  When I mentioned it to DH he did not think so because "he didn't mean to".  Of course he didn't mean to, but he was running around giving everyone wet willies and I had asked him many times to knock it off, as had his girlfriend.  He is like a big Labrador puppy--he means no harm, but he knocks stuff over and stuff breaks.  I really feel strongly that DH should pay for it.  So DH backed off.  When I told DS it would cost $60 to fix the earrings he broke, he said "good thing you have a full time job".  So right there he is out of line.  And DH sat there and said nothing.  No "don't speak to your mom that way", nothing.  And I said well, my name is on your account, so one way or the other you will cover that expense.  DS lost his mind.  And DH continues to say nothing.  So DS goes into the kitchen and I say to DH, "you know, to hear from you that a stand-up guy would apologize and OFFER to pay for the earrings would be great, that him paying for them really is the right thing to do".  So DH YELLS into the kitchen "YOU WILL PAY FOR MOMS EARRINGS PERIOD.  DONE." And looks at me and says there--problem solved.  I am so angry I am shaking.  Really? That's what I get?  Why can't he insist that DS take responsibility for this?  If DS rear-ended someone, he really could not say he "didn't mean to" and get out of paying.  What is it with ADHD and not taking responsibility?  This type of thing has happened many times before.  DH gives DS money for stuff he wants that he is unwilling to spend his own money on.  When I insist DS pay it back, he get mad at me because "dad doesn't care, why do you?"  Because it's weasely behavior, that's why.  Because a responsible, mature, stand up guy really doesn't WANT someone else to keep covering them, they want to stand on their own two feet and have some self respect.

    thoughts?  DH slept on the couch last night--that's how mad I am.  I am at work all day, so who knows what will go on when I get home.  I am just so sick of being the bad guy.

  • by: Mapper - 1 day 12 hours ago

    My husband has a problem with going to work. If he's having issues with people at work, or he has some made up ailment (I've heard them all from "I've got the poops" to "My back is acting up" to 'I barely slept last night") or simply doesn't feel like leaving the house that day, he will take the day off. And he sits at a computer and deals with customers on the phone and in person so it's not like it's a physical job where he can't work due to all those ailments. And rarely is it ever just one day. Once he starts not going in, he can't stop. At his last job he got away with being out for literally weeks (once up to 3 weeks!) at a time without pay, without texting or calling in half the time and would go back and he'd still have a job. Granted, his job had a union so he pretty much couldn't get fired.

    He has been at his new job for just about a year now, and it started out fine. No union here and it's only a shop of about 35-40 people.Then a couple months in he would take a day off just because, but he'd call in and go back the next day.Then he would take a day off, but not call or text his manager, just not show up. Still he would not get fired and even said that his manager said  when he went in the next day that it was "cool" that he needed a day off. Well about 2 months ago he got so upset with a customer (he never told me this until a few days in of this imaginary sickness he had) that he ended up not going into work for 4 days straight and only texted his manager one of those days that he wouldn't be in. I was so stressed out thinking he'd lose his job, but nope. He came home after going back after all that time and said people were just happy to know he was okay. How did he not get reprimanded for that? How did he not get fired on the spot??

    Now this past week he didn't go in at all. Started complaining Tuesday that he had an upset stomach and the chills and his neck hurt. I'll give him one day, but he's cried wolf so many times, I don't know when he's REALLY sick anymore. Then the next day it was just as bad, even though I never saw any signs of him having any of these ailments and that he seemed pretty peppy around me. Thursday he said he was better, but not full strength. Friday I come home and he tells me he feels great, but still didn't go in and Saturday he just didn't go in. The only time he texted his manager was his first day out and the following day...the other 3 days he didn't bother to do anything. And when he did text his manager on the 2nd day he told him he was at the walk in clinic. Funny because he never went! Even Facebook messaged his coworker who worries about him and told him that he was SO dehydrated that he was at the walk-in clinic on IV drip to get hydrated again. Then the next day told the guy he was still sick and on the couch eating crackers and sipping ginger ale, which is funny because we have neither in the house! 

    I am sure he'll go back to work tomorrow, but he is just so nonchalant about the whole thing. How can he just simply take days off lying about being sick, not call in, and saunter back into work and expect everything to be okay? Funny thing is, it probably will be! There's even a paragraph in his handbook saying that if you are out more than 3 days in a row in a 6 month period that you are subject to review, but obviously that isn't the case. NOBODY is out sick an entire week! People I work with are sick with the flu and they are back the next day...2 at the most! It infuriates me to the point where I want to just walk in there when I know he's playing the fake sick card and isn't there and act like I am looking for him, only to have them look at me weird and say "I thought he was really sick and at home?" and me go "What? No he's perfectly healthy I don't know why he's not here"! Because he never tells me he's not going in and never lets me know he's not there. He's very secretive about it. He'll wait for me to get home and find him there because he doesn't want to have me upset at work by him not going in.

  • by: king424 - 3 days 8 min ago
  • by: lallamana - 3 days 3 hours ago

    After over a decade together, my marriage to my ADHD spouse is over. He actually asked for the divorce, but I didn't fight it. He has threatened divorce more times than I can count, but this time I just said, "OK" and moved out. He told me later that he didn't mean it, he just said it to try and get me to "appreciate him" and realize how hard my life would be without him. I laughed. My life with him was a nightmare.  I tried extremely hard to make it work. I went to therapy, I researched ADHD, I worked hard to change myself to accommodate his perceptions and needs time after time, but it was never enough for him. No matter what I did, another problem would surface for which I was always completely at fault. He took meds, but did nothing else. It's as if he believed that the meds were enough and as long as he took them, he could forget about all of the other ways ADHD manifested itself and impacted our relationship. I have been reading posts on this forum for years, and my marriage looked very much like what most people here post about. The explosive and irrational anger that causes walking on eggshells, the gaslighting, the avoidance, the getting blamed for everything, the constant trying to keep up with the chaos, the loneliness. This is my first post and I want to share what the past few months have been like for me now that I am free of the marriage. 

    I am happy. For the first time in over a decade, I can relax. I can take time for myself at the end of the day and read a book or watch a show without having to give someone 100% of my attention when he could never reciprocate that to me. My home is clean, and organized. My panic attacks and anxiety have disappeared. Nobody is yelling at me everyday. I can see my friends and my family without the embarrassment of explaining why my DH is hiding from them or acting cranky and withdrawn. I am no longer experiencing the daily pain of simultaneously being pressured to be available to him at all times, but ignored when I have needs for support or attention. I can go out with friends without being accused of cheating. Nobody is telling me I'm a bad wife/mother/person because I have passions and hobbies that I will not give up. When something good happens to me or I succeed at something, the people around me are genuinely happy for me instead of being jealous of my success and being mad that it might be an inconvenience to them in some way. 

    I have realized that I am not, in fact, crazy. I am good at handling conflict in a conciliatory and compromising fashion. I realized that it is not normal or healthy to have someone not validate your genuine feelings and argue with you in circles for hours or days on end and then to accuse you of being a terrible person for having needs of your own. 

    I have more energy. My depression has melted away, and I can function better mentally and physically better than I have in years. 

    I entered a new relationship with someone who respects me. Who listens to me. When I have a problem in the relationship, he doesn't get angry, instead he acknowledges my feelings and then doesn't repeat the behavior that makes me upset. He cheers me on in my pursuits in life, and is sincerely happy for my success. He trusts me. When he tells me he's going to do something, he follows through. That is something I'm still not used to. When he asked me if I wanted to go on a trip, I was shocked when he called me with the specific details about when, where and how we were going. I am so used to broken promises that I didn't expect it to actually happen. I remembered that most people follow through with plans for the SO, and I was so happy and grateful. 

    I became so used to the chaos and the circus, that I thought I deserved the hardship, loneliness and misery. I blamed myself. I have regained my sense of self worth, and now I know that I can have and deserve to have the life that I want and on my terms. My boundaries are no longer negotiable, and there is now nobody in my life who is trying to cross them and tear them down. 

    Things are hard. I gave up my big beautiful home, my financial security and my pets. I live in a tiny apartment, I only get my kid 50% of the time, and I work 4 jobs to make ends meet. However, I do not regret one damn thing. I am infinitely happier and more confident, and I thank God everyday for my new life. Thank you for reading, and I wish peace, happiness and success to everyone else here who is still struggling. 

  • by: Squeeze - 3 days 9 hours ago

    So this is my first time on this website and forum. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD six years ago, after our son was diagnosed. It was good timing because our marriage was at breaking point at the time, but with this new diagnosis came a new understanding and reasons to forgive. However, whilst my husband is now medicated and we are both more aware over time we have allowed things to slip a little, and I guess whilst we came a long way at the time, we still have further to go.

    Over recent months, I have been feeling isolated and frustrated and some of the hurts which I thought had healed from years gone by, have surfaced again in my mind, and I have been feeling the urge to flee. Not saying I was ready to act on it, but I recognise the urge. Wanting my own space, quiet calm. I am blessed that my husband travels away twice a year for 8 - 10 weeks, this is indeed a good valve and an opportunity to recharge and the last couple of years, his time away has been just that, but I missed him and longed for him to come home. But this trip, reminded me more of times gone by, when I longed for him to leave and dreaded his return.

    I have contemplated my feelings over these past few weeks, and decided, I had to look back to his ADHD diagnosis to re-examine what is most likely at the root of our problems. So I ordered both of Melissa's books. I have Just read part one of " The ADHD Effect on Marriage". I realise that as a couple we have done a lot of the work in this book ourselves already, I no longer nag and he is way way better at controlling his impulses and shouting or being unkind. However, ADHD has become the elephant in the room. Some of my resentments have crept back in and I realise we haven't really had an adult conversation about how ADHD affects us both in an ongoing way, as I have been reluctant to keep referencing his ADHD (although he can happily discuss our 2 children with this diagnosis and discuss it's effects on them, but again as I write this I feel he almost see's it as their weakness, mirroring his own parenting perhaps). I also, realise that the Psychiatrist that I saw back then advised me NOT to pay his bills for him, and NOT to step in and to let him see the consequences of his own actions, as a means to help him. However, this is I think where we have gone wrong. He still doesn't pay any attention to our finances and I still feel frustrated by that. 

    My husband has recently asked me to help him with some invoicing, this made me angry, here I was back at square one, he still hadn't got himself organised, etc etc... Because the Psych told me not to intervene, I have resisted it and felt like a failure when he has asked me to and I did, saying "this is the last time", but knowing in my heart that this isn't and never will be.

    When he returns from his trip this time, I intend to start a dialogue with him about who does what in our relationship and how to communicate with each other, making very sure I am addressing his ADHD and letting him know that I do not see these issues as a failure on his part, but something we need to navigate much better moving forward. 

    My biggest resentment is that I feel, I have had to adapt my own life and career because he needs me more than others in his life, and has been less able to pick up the strain if I have been focused on other things, feeling he has been controlling on occassion because he almost seemed to sabotage my efforts to progress myself, rather than help me more in other areas. This will be a big one to get over, because I think it likely is true in part. I want to work more in the area of healing ( Reiki, Reflexology etc...) but need to have quiet space to contemplate and meditate in order to be able to work in this way, which I find almost impossible when he is home due to his energy and need for my focus on him. I have to find a way to help him understand the importance of this for me without making him feel I am judging him or controlling him. He insists on working in the house, even though I have at his behest, created an office space for him in a cottage in the grounds of our home, where he also teaches from. But he feels, he needs to be around people to get the "energy" to focus on his work, so he brings it into the house where it spreads from one corner of the table, to the whole table, to the living room etc... This, as trivial as this may sound is the biggest barrier for me, as I come home from work, to another work environment and I have been unable thus far, to find a way of creating a space in which to contemplate and create for myself. 

    I am looking forward to reading the next part of the book, and indeed reading "The Couples Guide to Thriving with ADHD", I hope I can find the inspiration in there to foster the communication I feel I need and to help him address his ADHD in a better way, he medicates, but he has also been drinking too much of late, self medicating the anxiety that goes along with his ADHD. 

    Thanks for the opportunity to share, hope this isn't too much of a ramble. I wanted to ask, have many people had success with Couples Counseling? I am reluctant to try it in case we get someone who doesn't believe in ADHD (which I don't believe my Psychiatrist actually did).

    Hopeful, BC Canada.

  • by: I'm So Exhausted - 5 days 4 hours ago

    I shall attempt to carefully word my thoughts so they come across as critiques - - not criticisms.

    ADHD.  What is known.  What is not known.  Is it a way of being?  Is it an "issue"?  Is it a disorder?  Is it simply a way that the brains of 10% of the people  works differently than 90% of the 'average' people in the world?

    I don't know.  Wish I did.  Wish I knew how to articulate how so many things we as a couple have tried . . . .and that did not work.  Like most things in life, solutions read easy, and work hard.  

    I am so very glad each and every day for new strides that are made to give the sort of structures that will work to the person, parent, spouse of someone with ADHD.  

    From where I sit, I often get the feeling that is implied /:  "What do you mean it's not working?  THIS is the solution.  This is how to do it.  This is THE process.

    And yet, it ain't.  Nope.  

    Not that the books weren't pretty, and they weren't well documented, and nicely organized,  

    As an example, my son was given this book - to help him.  To give him insight into his ADHD brain. ( Administrator:  If this link is not allowed, I understand if you need to delete it:)  

    Copy and past that whole thing into your address bar, and you will see the front cover of a kid's comic book - - -made for kids. . . . .with ADHD.  My son took one look at the cover, a comic book that he was "supposed" to love, and he flicked through the pages, and was overwhelmed.  Too busy.  Too much information on one page.  Too many colors.  He tossed it aside with a chuckle, "WHO made that book?  Not someone who understand ADHD."  Um, yep son.  Specialists.  They want to help.  They are missing the mark.

    Couples Therapy.  Even without any underlying issues, the success rates are not all that great.  For me, success is improving the relationship/marriage.

    What has been missing for me:  feeling validated.  Clarifying each partner's prospective.  Without making the other person the bad guy - the one who doesn't understand.  We have made many attempts.  It is so hard to not just throw in the towel.  And give up. But, I will not.   From Liz's perspectives, the "process" looks great.  Reading.  Homework.  Charts to fill out.  I did it all.  It's how I function!!!  It's what I enjoy.  It's what I can understand.  My ADHD spouse, he was overwhelmed at the idea of reading A-Whole-Book.  He saw the charts.  To fill in everyday.  He heard 'homework to complete everyday', and blammo, he was like a deer in the headlights. In that moment - as during the time we tried it, I was pissed - - -at my spouse, for not doing, what he was not able to do.  I just didn't know it at the time.  I read.  I did the homework.  I filled in the charts.  Because I could.  Because it is how I function!  Because I enjoy it.  Because I understand. In hindsight, my spouse went into the process willingly - - and was pretty much set up for defeat.  By the necessary reading.  And homework.  And charting.  

    And in truth, I think it exacerbated the issues we had.  

    I do NOT know what the answer is.  I do know, that I want to be honest, and explain, this is not working.  Because, well because, I do want to know.  I do want to share the effectiveness.  I do want to say, what we are trying is not accomplishing the desired end.  Why not?  Well it definitely has not one whit to do with the level of how much both of us are trying. . . .We are.  Our damned royal hardest/different-est!!!!! 




  • by: inthedark - 6 days 19 hours ago

    after reading so many posts on here, and being new to having an ADHD partner, i think i must find a solution.  Going around in circles does not make sense at my age.  I spent 30 yrs (that magic number for marriage) married to someone who in hindsight had something wrong with him, personality disorder maybe.  and so I ask myself why do i pick these people, or they pick me.  hhmmm.  I learnt one thing when going out with a guy with bi-polar disorder, when he went off and started talking to other 'ladies', i went off and did the same thing.  it worked!  he was soon looking for me.  so maybe just maybe it would work with ADHD, or maybe not lol.  haven't tried it yet.  but my current ADHD partner said he would ring me on weekend, and of course no phonecall.  any thoughts?  has anyone tried giving them a taste of their own medicine?


  • by: Rosered - 1 week 2 hours ago

    I was inspired by JJamieson's recent posts on a different thread to think about the following: describing the problems in my relationship without beginning with "he" (my ex-husband) "did X" or "he is X."  I think this is a useful exercise because accepting responsibility for our own choices and behavior is important.  Here are some of my "I" statements; I hope others will chime in with their own.

    I was unhappy with my relationship because I was afraid I would get into legal trouble based on my then-husband's financial dealings.

    I was unhappy with my relationship because I felt like a low priority for my then-husband.

    I was unhappy with my relationship because I realized that I was as alone and lonely while married as I would be if single or divorced.

    I was unhappy with my relationship because I couldn't figure out a way to be the person my then-husband seemed to need without giving up essential (to me) parts of my personality and behavior.


  • by: edoetsch - 1 week 11 hours ago

    My father was OCD and the dominate parental figure in my upbringing. He was highly organized so I struggled to keep up. With his help maintained good grades and got through college and a Masters program in Computer Science. Though feeling always well supported and love, I always felt massive guilt because I could not stay on task as well as he.

    I have been diagnosed with ADHD for over 10 years and regularly take Concerta and see a therapist.
    I found a wife that shares many of the same characteristics as my father (probably a common story). We are both full time employees with successful jobs. My wife is s high level manager/director and I am an individual contributor. She has an amazing ability to keep large number of tasks in her head and can tackle even more with proper lists and calendar use. 

    I am struggling to keep up with family and kids activities. A full day for me is assisting in morning routine, getting to work and my own appointments, helping in the evening with some household and child care. I am asked to do a small number of evening things like pick up kids from sport practice. I want to do this, but find I am easily overloaded if I am asked to do 2,3,4 additional things in an evening when one-off additional events are happening. My mother-in-law lives with us and assists greatly in getting kids from school and taking them to activities.

    This is about as much as I can do in a day. I cannot compete with planning any activities or vacations on the level of my wife so she is the primary organizer for family life. In general this works for me because I don't need to be in the driver seat and she generally enjoys the control. But not always.

    However, when the schedule gets over overloaded for her, I feel maxed out, and she wants me to step up: I often react badly because I already feel pushed to the max. This includes moody behavior, stomping around the house when completing tasks not talking with her until things settle down. This angers her because she feels she is asking me to do so little. It angers me because I feel I am already drowning in tasks and being pushed for more. I understand her disappointment in me because she does 3-4 times for the house than I do with relative ease. This triggers massive guilt similar to what I felt as a child in not being able to live up to my father.

    Things had been going well with us for a few months. The other day I was supposed to pick up my 10 year old from a soccer practice on a night when 2 additional one-off activities were added to the schedule. With multiple text messages back and forth and other discussions I was supposed to: Shop for a present for a card card game at a friends house, pick my son up, take him to a bingo night at school where I was to meet my wife and daughter, go home, put the kids to bed and play cards with friends.

    All of the later activities swirling in my head, I went straight the school for bingo night skipping my son's pickup. I got the frantic call from my wife asking where the hell I was and immediately my heart sunk. I forgot my son at the field. Luckily the coach stayed with him and everyone was OK and I picked him up 20 minutes late.

    I was horrified and still cannot believe myself. The guilt is overwhelming. This also understandably triggered a massive reaction from my wife because though I have forgotten things before (an item at the store, or other material things) this was the first time this happened where I forgot my child.

    I have reconfigured my phone and calendar and made an oath to myself that when multiple activities are occurring I will always prioritize the children allowing myself to skip or make anything else lower priority. However, it has scarred her existing distrust in my ability to carry through with anything and I am nervous and tight as a drum to never let it happen again. I will forget something again. What will it be this time?

  • by: frustratedwife - 1 week 12 hours ago

    I have been married to my ADHD spouse for almost 10 years now.  He told me he was ADHD when we met but he said now that he was older it didn't affect him like it did when he was young.  He took meds (Ritalin) while in college in order to be able to focus and get through 4 years to get his degree, but when it started affecting his heart he got off of it.  He also had some counseling during that time (all of this before we met).  Since we have been married he has been unemployed more than half the time and has had over 50 jobs, the longest lasting one being a little less than a year.  Most of the jobs last between a couple of weeks to a couple of months before he quits or gets fired.  It's not that he isn't good at what he does, and I think he is a pretty good worker while on the job, but he can't get along with people because of his huge ego, a chip on his shoulder and the fact he takes offense to everything.  Something that wouldn't bother me a bit will set him off and he can't hold his tongue.  I think often times people don't even know why he's upset.  He seems to think everyone is out to get him.  He also talks too much, doesn't listen well, interrupts people and says inappropriate things. It's like he has no filter.   Because of all of this we are always struggling financially and it's extremely stressful for me to be the sole provider when I don't really make enough to support two people.

    My H also never follows through on anything.  He has started numerous projects and never finishes them.  He has started quite a few small businesses and never goes far enough to make any money with them.  He blames everyone and everything, except himself, for his failures.  He is the king of excuses!  He is a borderline hoarder and has made my home (I owned the home we live in before we met) into a junk yard.  He has talent and ability to fix things but never does, so things just deteriorate until what was once something of value just turns to junk.

    Yesterday he applied for a job and thinks it will be offered to him.  It's hard for me to get my hopes up because nothing ever lasts.  He said his "would-be" boss is a lot like him including being ADHD.  I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.  If he gets this job we desperately need him to stick with it.  I'm thinking as soon as a second income is coming in we should look into counseling.  I would like to go to marriage counseling but I'm not sure if the average couples counselor will know how to deal with his issues.  I'm thinking we need to find someone who is knowledgeable about ADHD but don't know how to find someone in our area.  I don't think he will agree to get back on meds but I truly think counseling will help him see some of his damaging behaviors.  He isn't in denial about his ADHD, but still wants to make excuses and refuses to see how this is affecting his employment.

    I'd love some advice from those of you who are in similar situations.