Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Consistent inconsistency by: bowlofpetunias 19 hours 35 min ago

    We had agreed that it would be too much for our ADHD daughter to handle sports and acting.  We told her to choose.  She chose sports.

    Then my wife decided she should be able to audition for the town play because she wanted to be with her friends--after we bought the sports equipment and practice started.  

    Then we decided she could not do the play because 1) her behavior in general was really bad, with lots of tantrums and 2) she was not cooperating with the sports--missing practice, arriving late, etc.  Add to this that she had a lot of behavior problems when she did the play in the fall.  My wife even told her that she could not do the play for discussing it with me and said to her that it was because of her tantrums.

    Well, they held more auditions and my wife pestered me about letting her audition.  My wife always complains that I make her be the bad guy, but now it was up to me, on my own, to be the one who said "No, you can't do the play."  Mommy said it was OK, but mean old Daddy said no.  She is going to be in the ensemble again.

    A couple weeks ago, we went to a ski resort that also has a waterpark and tubing--not for skiing.  Our teenage son wanted to try skiing.  I told my wife that 1) it was too expensive right now to pay for lessons and equipment and 2) his behavior did not justify that big of a reward.  She said she understood and agreed.  End of story, right?  No, she kept asking me and asking me.  Even during dinner, when the kids were at the table with us, she shielded her mouth and asked me again in a low voice.  I left for home and they stayed the night for the next day.  Fortunately, she did not pay for the skiing that time.

  • Came and went by: bowlofpetunias 19 hours 45 min ago

    My wife had had to wait to start seeing a new psychiatrist, hopefully to get an ADHD diagnosis and treatment.  She ran out of her bupropion from the last psychiatrist while waiting.

    Guess what?  She completely forgot about the appointment!  God knows when she will get another one...

  • Learning to trust my own ... everything... again by: Brindle 2 days 20 hours ago

    My husband is a very smart guy. We’re both intelligent, but I think in many areas he has more potential and ability than I do. And for years, I let that cause me to doubt m own perceptions, thoughts, feelings, etc.  I thought, “Well, he’s such a smart guy, and I could be remembering that incorrectly, so...”  

    If I had feelings about something, I let his opinions about my feelings cause me to doubt the validity of my feelings. Of my experience.

    And for so long, I let the disparity (of who he was during the hyperfocus stage of our relationship  vs the  guy he’s been for almost 20 years) confuse and cloud things more. I thought that who he was during the hyperfocus stage was who he was.  But this guy, the guy I’ve experienced every day for 20 years, THIS GUY is who he is.

    FINALLY, though I’m clearly slow to see things, I’m realizing that I do know a lot of things. I’m starting to trust my gut on things and stop believing him, thinking that I’m the one who is forgetting. 

    Because I’m not!! I’m finally putting the pieces together. Duh, if I was the one with the problem, then how did I manage to run our entire life, raise the kids, keep all the bits from flying off in the chaos???

    I’m seeing that I wasn’t wrong to have feelings. I wasn’t being needy or clingy.  My thinking isn’t irrational. It’s that he sees the world in black and white. And since his opinion must be the right one, clearly everyone else (especially the wife) is wrong or misguided or stupid. He will accuse others of not having an open mind, when in reality, it’s that they disagreed with him. 

    I’m tired of being corrected with an all-knowing voice, and internally backing off thinking I must be wrong, only to find out he was wrong again, AND that I was actually the one who had it right.  I have no interest in becoming what he is, which would create a fight, naturally. (Oh, how he hates being disagreed with!!  I’m sometimes not even able to disagree peacefully. It infuriates him. I think he wants a “yes” man.)  No, instead, I’m going to start believing and trusting my own intellect more. Trust my gut more. Not let him use his “smarts” to distort things for me anymore.  I’m going to keep my balanced view that I don’t know everything and that I can be wrong and sometimes am wrong. But I will stop discounting my feelings, my intuition, my capabilities in the face of his differing ones. 

    And if he doesn’t like being wrong when he is (as long as I’m polite and kind), then that IS truly HIS problem. 

  • What to do if he wants to leave? by: kathrynpb 5 days 9 hours ago

    So my husband has ADHD (I do not) and has problems with his anger.  About a month ago, he blew up so bad in front of our kids (22 month old twins) that I ended up leaving with them for the night and taking them to my parents' house.  I told him explicitly that these blow ups were absolute deal breakers.  So he has now informed me that when he gets so mad that he feels like he is going to blow up that he is just going to leave.  So I thought he meant just for an hour or two to collect his thoughts.  No...he means overnight.  Like he has an overnight bag packed that he can grab and go if he feels like he needs to.  So I have an issue with this.  I feel like since we have children, it's not okay for him to just up and decide that he is going to leave overnight.  My ability to depend on him really takes a hit when I don't know if he is going to just up and decide to leave.  As you can imagine with two kids who are almost two, it is very very stressful being the only person taking care of them and I depend on him to help tag team with me on the weekends.  So I expressed how scary this makes me feel and asked if the general policy could be that he takes an hour or two, we reassess, and then go from there.  He absolutely exploded about that idea.  I tried to step it back and say that it could be something we talk to a counselor about because we obviously have different opinions on it, and he said that if we were in a session and I brought it up, he would walk out.  He says it is his right to leave and go to a hotel whenever he feels like he needs to.  I just don't really know what to do here.  I obviously can't really bring it up with him again because it took us back into a "black hole" again and it's just not ever going to be a productive conversation.  Am I way off base here?  I'm just trying to figure out what to do with this.  I'm feeling quite shaken up right now.

  • Doing better. .. and then, pain. Literally. by: Heart's Desire 6 days 19 hours ago

    My husband and I have been doing a lot better the last few months after I said I had to take the choice to leave our dysfunctional marriage to improve things for everyone, and made a plan for a trial separation. He has started back at his therapist's, started medication after a 2.5 year hiatus, and I have my own counselor that is helping me see the patterns of emotional abuse and gaslighting in my relationship and is helping me articulate my boundaries. I am also working with an acupuncturist and naturopath to get my PMS and irritability and emotions under control. He has been checking in more to help us schedule our weekends (busy life with two kids makes this necessary!) and is more attentive to me. Things are on the up and up overall. 

    I continue to struggle with my husband's (apparent to me, at least) lack of compassion or care for me and my feelings. 


    He's a wrestling coach and an avid wrestler, and we often 'play' wrestle as a family. 'Horse-around', I guess. It's fun for our young children and our son has started club wrestling as well. I do often let him know, though, that sometimes he's too rough with me.  

    Last night, in front of a friend of my H's that also coaches wrestling and that had stopped in to pick him up, he and my five-year-old son started play wrestling. I asked a question about why they are permitted to use their hands on an opponent's face, and my H said "I'll show you", and then grabbed my neck by the two pressure points at the base of my skull (it hurt so badly!!) and held me down. I couldn't get out of it, I was freaking out, for lack of a better term, and in my attempts to get out of it, my nose got smashed on my knee. It's bruised today. I was so so so upset, on the verge of tears and basically told him to 'f-off'. That made him pissy, so he said a begrudging/snarky sorry and left for the night with his friend. I spent the rest of the evening in tears over it, and pretty emotional. More calm, I tried to talk with him about it this morning and how it hurt me and wasn't appropriate, he said that because I told him to 'f-off' and it's my responsibility to not feel upset about it. That's on me. The conversation went downhill from there and he walked out of the room and then left for work angry and defensive and that it's my fault. 

    These type of interactions are not unusual for us (the verbal part, not the wrestling), and he's got me questioning everything. That I'm ridiculous, that it's my fault he didn't say a better sorry. When I think about the way he held me down, I get a pain in my chest and tears in my eyes. This isn't right, is it??

    I'm not sure what to do. We were supposed to go out tonight and tomorrow for dates/events with friends, and I've told him I can't go out with him. I'm hurting too much. . Am I over-reacting? I can work on accepting it, if I am. 

    Edit: I just received a phone call from my spouse and an apology and acknowledgement that he didn't understand how much he had hurt me and that he won't do it again. So that's progress and improvement. . Usually after these type of interactions, it would take him a couple of days of stonewalling me before an adult conversation acknowledging behaviour would happen.  

  • Lack of apology, acceptance and peace by: vabeachgal 1 week 1 day ago



    This is the strangest feeling.  It's nice.  Very nice. I'm not sure how I arrived at this point of acceptance and peace. It's been a long two years + and a circuitous route.

    Brief explanation:

    Some old friends learned that I'm divorcing.  Our children had played sports together and the couples were close and socially active together.  My son and I noticed that he was no longer invited to many events and I noticed that my H and I were excluded from things.  It was unpleasant but I didn't spend too much time thinking about it.  

    They invited me to lunch.  I was happy to see them again.  The purpose of the lunch was to let me know that my H had been inappropriately pursuing one of them.  They had copies of the texts.  They were not flirtatious.  It was disgusting.  It was the worst kind of stuff that I imagine people say on hook up sites.  I can only imagine, because I've never communicated on them.

    This happened several years ago when things were good between us. 

    He chose to target someone I considered a friend. She shut him down but he would have had the affair if given the opportunity.  

    I confronted him.  I was able to objectively, without emotion, see the pattern of his responses.  It was a long term pattern I was caught up in and it had no good end for me emotionally. 

    1.  deny deny deny

    2.  Tell me I'm a liar and making stuff up

    3.  Resort to character assassination of the other party.

    4.  Realize I have proof and shut down after sticking the lie to the end

    5.  Act like nothing happened the next day and accuse me of being negative and not letting it go 

    I guess I've finally reached the point where I can understand that his behavior doesn't have anything to do with me. Two years ago, I would have been devastated by something like this.  Instead, I feel grateful that I finally have proof of his actions.  Everything else has been circumstantial.  I now feel the relief of not second guessing myself in this decision.  I received the gift of now knowing how he really is.  

    The most interesting side effect of the new attitude and composure is that it changed the dynamics of the disagreement.  In the past, his actions tore me apart.  He acted as if I was crazy and deranged for being upset.  He moved on without any ill effects.  This time, he is the one who is feeling the ill effects and I am not.  

    Anyway, right now he is very fearful of how it might affect his relationship with my son.  

    I told him that this would be a good time to "practice" an apology since there is no longer any pressure.  LOL  I used to crave an acknowledgement and an apology, but I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to move on without one.  So, now I no longer need one and it changed how I viewed this betrayal. 


  • Okay guys mark my words by: dvance 1 week 2 days ago

    Okay everyone--I need you to do me a favor.  The last three jobs my husband held lasted for three years--the most recent one, almost three years to the day.  So my husband was fired on December 29 and started a new job on Monday March 12.  I have put an alert in my calendar for 3 years from now to see if he is still employed at this same job.  Remember this--if we are all still here in three years, remind me.  DH has only been at the job two days and he came home the first day and made the whole "the last guy who held this position was a train wreck" so that goodness they hired him.  It's the same speech every time--it is truly amazing the amount of companies in my husband's industry that are on the very brink of collapse when he comes on board.  It is just stunning that companies keep running with the amount of incompetent people they have working for them.  And my DH, with his spotty work history and terrible grasp of anything financial, is the only person that can clean up the messes from the last person and make all things right again.  

    So mark your calendars for three years from March 12 and we'll see if he is still at this same job.

  • Why do we all think she is mean and bossy?!?!?! by: bowlofpetunias 1 week 2 days ago

    My wife had an appointment with her therapist last night and I had to get our ADHD/OCD/ODD daughter ready for bed.  At one point, I heard noise downstairs and investigated.  The dog was trying to get something in a pile of clutter around a small bookcase.  I had to dig and dig, but I found the food.  I cleaned up the food with a vacuum, but I had to get back to our daughter, so I did not put everything back in place (ie, the pile of clutter.)

    When my wife gets home, I tell her about this.  She gets angry and I try to explain that I did what I could and I had to deal with getting our daughter to bed.  She then makes the leap to yelling about how the kids and I think she is mean and bossy.  As if yelling at me for not being able to do two things in two separate places at once is not bossy.  Then she starts talking about how she is mad about the clutter ("garbage").  I asked what we had scheduled for the weekend (so we could devote time to cleaning.)  Nothing Saturday, oh, but she wants to see her brother in Long Island! 

    When I was trying to go to sleep, she brought up how unfair it is that we think she is mean and bossy.  OK, say how you feel.  But then she began lashing out at me and justifying her bossiness.  She brought up the other day, when I allowed our son to show me a video game commercial he was excited about.  As I was watching, she reminded me that he was not supposed to have electronics because of homework issues.  I immediately stopped amd apologized.  Nonetheless, she preceded to chew me out in front of the kids.  Last night, she used this as an example of why she NEEDS to be bossy.  Although she disputes my interpretation of what she was saying, basically she justified being mean and bossy toward me because I screw up. So it hurts her for us to think she is bossy, she is not bossy, but she is justified in being bossy.  ("I never borrowed the bucket, and, besides, it already had a hole in it when I borrowed it.")

    Punishing me in front of the kids after I have already complied with her request and apologized sends a clear message to the kids--Mommy is in charge here, and Daddy takes her abuse.  Her behavior toward us shows the kids she is mean and bossy.  (She also tries to micromanage them and gets mad when I can't force them to behave--even though she doesn't get any better results.)

    She also suggested that when one of us goes out we should fill in the other person on what happened while he/she was out.  I pointed out that that is precisely what I did--before she suggested this--when I told her about the dog and the food that was in the pile of clutter.  The fact that she blew up and me shows why I am AFRAID to fill her in on what has happened.

  • The 16 Personality types...Myers Briggs.... by: c ur self 1 week 3 days ago

    Do you know your type? I'm an ISFJ....My wife is ENTP....The difference alone is overwhelming....I would really like to do a study to see how many add/adhd people are ENTP's......I have attributed many things to add, that seem to be personality....


  • The Affects of Caffeine & Marijuana? by: litlone873 1 week 3 days ago

    I've been with my OH for 2 years and living together for 6 months.  We had a rough first year and broke up a couple of times but this time, it's "for real" and he's 100% in.  He had always made a joke of being ADD and OCD but when a co-worker came to me and shared a book about ADHD and said she thought that my OH might have it, I really started taking it seriously.  I started reading (still reading) The ADHD Effect on Marriage so I can learn more about it and how it affects or could affect our relationship BEFORE it goes sour.  We have identified that he probably IS ADHD albeit undiagnosed at this time. Once his insurance kicks in, we plan to get him in for an actual diagnosis and begin treatment.   

    Before he moved in, he used to smoke and drink and smoke marijuana. Now, he's quit smoking and barely drinks but when he conquers one addiction, another one pops up.  Now, he drinks coffee non-stop and smokes pot 1-3 times a day.  He says it helps him focus.  It does not make him slow and dopy like your typical "pot-head".  In fact, I can barely tell the difference between when he's smoked and when he hasn't other than when having a conversation he tends to get off topic a lot!   

    I can't imagine that either of these "self-medicating" remedies are good for him?  Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

    Thank you,