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This post isn't about add/adhd, personality disorders, bi-polar disease or any other mental, physical or emotional suffering.....It's about Adults, it's about freedom, and being free....Free to take a spouse, to work a job, own a business, to bring innocent children into the world, and parent them...It's about people who live long lives, and survive those lives just fine.....This post is about the responsibility level and attitude of you and your spouse... (two people who chose, and is choosing, to live out their lives together as one flesh)

Hi

I'm new to this forum and have just finished reading Melissa's book on the Effects of ADHD in Marriage.  It was a real eye opener to see both why my husband may have behaved the way he did in our marriage and why I was behaving the way I did in our marriage.

It seems like my husband is changing quite a bit recently-to calm, attentive, supportive, understanding person that's also patient s and not about to blow up if I open my mouth. What caused the change? I'm clueless as we are not talking about " elephant in the room " at all. So, currently, there's nothing to be sad about or wish for. But, I can't stop crying, severely and multiple times a day. Because 10 years together broke me. I desperately want to re commit and enjoy things now , but I'm totally depleted. I have nothing left to put into rebuilding relationship. 

About 8 months ago I discovered this website after googling ADHD issues and marriage.  I have been married to my husband for 7 years.  The first 2 were good and the last 5 have been awful.  I am remarried and my first marraige was 14 years long and to a non ADHD person, but this person was verbally and emotionally abusive and didn't work for many years, so I had to work 60-70 hours with babies.  Anyways - now I am in this marriage where my husband is not verbally abusive and he is pretty supportive of things I want to do - but our marriage is a diaster.

Well, I'm back again.  It seems every 1-2 years things get so bad in our marriage, I have nowhere to go but here.  Then things eventually improve and I feel less of the need to check in... but I always end up back here.  It's the vicious cycle that I'm sure everyone can relate to.  (I'm non-ADHD, husband ADHD.)

Does anyone else struggle because their ADHD partner doesn't have any dreams for the future for you and/or your family? My husband is a wonderfully present man by nature and struggles with planning or looking ahead. I find this really hard because, in contrast, I thrive on working towards exciting adventures in life. I realise I could just plan by myself and fill this need elsewhere but there is still that hole, that lack of shared dreams for us as a couple and as a young family.

I'm new to this site and have a million questions but thought I would try and hone it down to one topic... what can I reasonably expect from my ADHD partner in terms of meeting some of my needs? 

I am really struggling at the moment to see what is reasonable to expect for my own needs from my ADHD partner and what is reasonable to give up on in a marriage in terms of my own needs. 

I love my husband very much and I really want to make this work but I feel like I am often in a no win situation.

The cycle goes like this....

My ADD H seems to not be able to set a goal or make a plan or think of the future or past...just now....just the happy now.  At retirement, H sits and smokes and entertains himself.  This morning, I suggested a challenge/plan to him for him.  A small area of his hoarded masses to look at and organize and clean.

It was only until a few days after we broke up where I realized ADHD is a lot more complex than I thought, and how it played out in my relationship. We had a really bad argument and it ended with me coming to the realization that I had blamed her for most of all our ADHD related arguments.

I have never been more devastated in my entire life. I do not know what to do and really would like to talk to somebody who can help.

Does anyone have an ADHD spouse who, at the end of the day when all meds have worn off, will do extremely irritating and disrespectful things to you just for the negative reaction? He is well aware of the Demons, but seems unable to control them. It seems to be all saved up for me - especially when he's had a bad/stressful day at work (which is most days - perhaps because he seeks out/thrives on drama). I know he loves me a lot and doesn't mean to treat me badly, but cannot stop himself. I'd love tips for curbing this behavior.