Recent Comments

  • by: Dagmar - 6 days 13 hours ago
    But definitely want to commiserate.  My husband always "helps" me when we're getting ready to go by putting my phone/purse/keys in a place where I won't miss them. But I don't lose these things on my own, so I already knew where they were.   So when I go to grab whatever, it's not there and I end up searching all over, only to find that he has taken them to the car or placed them by the door.   He can't understand why I get so mad.  
    >>> on Forum topic - What do you do when their help isn't helpful?

  • by: tiredofbeinghis... - 6 days 16 hours ago
    I am one of the people who has lived with behavior that was damaging for decades. Because I didn't understand the underlying cause and was told so many times, in so many ways that it was all my fault, that I came to believe it. Even the therapists that we saw made me feel like I was the unreasonable one because he didn't act the same way in the sessions that he did behind closed doors. He could hold it together for 45 minutes, acting like he had no idea why I was so upset and why I didn't "get along better...
    >>> on Forum topic - Counseling Fails

  • by: jayjay - 1 week 7 hours ago
    After several failed counselling attempts where my ADD husband controls the narrative the counsellors apparently reassure him in his one to one sessions he's not an issue and it is perhaps me who is a narcissist. I don't think generally counsellors know how an adhd mind works or the difficulties it brings it a relationship. My husband is very articulate, and narrates his 'truth' far better than my actual truth! He used to tell his story in such a manipulative manner by twisting the truth that I'm left...
    >>> on Forum topic - Counseling Fails

  • by: tiredofbeinghis... - 1 week 10 hours ago
    We have failed couples counseling several times and don't get me started on the family counseling! My husband blames me for EVERYTHING. He says they 'know' that I am the problem, a narcissist, a sociopath, etc. The last one we went to (5 years ago) actually seemed to see what was going on and called him on it. When he suggested that my husband has ADHD, that became my fault too. I must have talked to the counselor behind his back or at very least manipulated him into saying it to take the focus from my own...
    >>> on Forum topic - Counseling Fails

  • by: TryingToMakeItWork - 1 week 1 day ago
    Thanks so much for your reply. Your description of how it used to be for you really resonates. I like the project manager idea and think that description if roles will make sense to both of us. From current experience, I wonder if he will not often initiate a project, and then may get annoyed that I'm the project  manager on things. But this definitely seems worth a try.
    >>> on Forum topic - What do you do when their help isn't helpful?

  • by: sickandtired - 1 week 1 day ago
    Good for you, Overwhelmed Wife and Mother! I’m so glad you are enjoying your healthy new life! If a partner is making you miserable, not trying to better themselves, and relies on you for everything in their life, it is a disservice to both of you to continue the relationship.  You chose healthy independence over a lifetime of unhealthy enabling. I’m so happy for you! 
    >>> on Forum topic - ADHD husband creates situations that are not there

  • by: overwhelmed wif... - 1 week 1 day ago
    I'd like to suggest a possible interpretation of what might be going on in counseling. It is possible that the counselor understands the effects of ADHD on marriage, but is trying to open you up to additional ways to understand your dynamics. For example, while people with ADHD need special kinds of help and understanding, neurotypical people need to be treated well. While I don't know your situation, it is very common on this forum for neurotypical people to live for years or even decades with behavior...
    >>> on Forum topic - Counseling Fails

  • by: overwhelmed wif... - 1 week 1 day ago
    I can relate to sickandtired's reponse. She offers excellent advice. 
    >>> on Forum topic - Is it advisable to suggest ADD to my partner who shows the signs?

  • by: overwhelmed wif... - 1 week 1 day ago
    I didn't realize you had only been married for one year. This is your chance to get out before things seem too complicated to leave (although they are rarely TOO complicated, they can just feel that way). I highly encourage you to divorce. You can do it in the kindest way. And if you still love him, you can remain close and even date, as long as his behavior changes.   
    >>> on Forum topic - ADHD husband creates situations that are not there

  • by: overwhelmed wif... - 1 week 1 day ago
    Hi. This is common in bad relationships, whether or not the person is drinking or has ADD. I think the best way to approach it (assuming you want to stay in the relationship) is to honestly and bring it up and ask him to address it. If he does, that's wonderful. If he doesn't, you should leave. I spent years in your situation (minus the drinking) trying every which way to "help" my husband with his problems. In the end, I was only prolonging the relationship, as someone who wants to change (or is able to...
    >>> on Forum topic - ADHD husband creates situations that are not there

  • by: overwhelmed wif... - 1 week 1 day ago
    I definitely think you should leave. You will be so much happier and your life and your children's life will be so much healthier without him. Not only is he doing things that are making you miserable, he is also dragging you down into his miserable life. Soon you will not have the strength to take care of your kids the way you would like to. Once I left my husband I realized that I had a tremendous amount of energy left for my kids, not only because I wasn't taking care of the craziness my husband caused...
    >>> on Forum topic - Should I just walk away???

  • by: JeanaPeana - 1 week 2 days ago
    The way we handle it (husband ADHD) is one person is the "project manager" so to speak.  If I have an idea for a project, then I am the manager.  I want his input and possibly help, but I get to make most of the big decisions and/or final ones.   He has no visual perspective so can't imagine how something might look or work.  I want his opinion but get frustrated when he doesn't understand my plan.  I feel like he doesn't care, but in actuality, he doesn't "see" it like I do.  So now, he will be honest...
    >>> on Forum topic - What do you do when their help isn't helpful?

  • by: c ur self - 1 week 2 days ago
    Acceptance :)...Because ADHD minds are impacted differently (Sliding scale 1-10) you know you are both impacted in different ways, on different levels....You have mentioned the one thing that really makes life difficult....Lack of communication....Getting to the bottom of our difficulties can feel hopeless when we can't communicate well, because us humans all want to feel good about ourselves and we see our side of things so clearly LOL..... I suggest you two smart people go to a good counselor who can...
    >>> on Forum topic - Dueling ADHD

  • by: AdeleS6845 - 1 week 3 days ago
    This is what my ex-husband used to do to me after our son was born. He did not have ADHD. The first two weeks after our son was born were okay enough. Once I went back to work his true nature was revealed. He snapped at me because he wasn't getting enough sleep because our son would wake up, and need to be fed as babies do. My son was not breastfed, so there was no reason why my husband couldn't have gotten up in the middle of the night just to give me a break but he didn't. ( He started sleeping through...
    >>> on Forum topic - ADHD husband creates situations that are not there

  • by: sickandtired - 1 week 3 days ago
    I have a story similar to JayJay’s situation. I broke my leg, and upon coming home from the hospital, I asked a close friend, who was also a paramedic, to help my ex carry me back into the house. My paramedic friend was instructing him how 2 people can carry someone safely, and he corrected him on a couple of things. I could tell that my ex was steaming with anger at my friend’s instructions. After my friend left, my ex flew into a rage, saying he had been bullied, and blaming me for “not standing up for...
    >>> on Forum topic - ADHD husband creates situations that are not there

  • by: jayjay - 1 week 4 days ago
    I've had bad experiences with counsellors because my husband controls the narrative and persuades them he's perfect and there's me getting irate trying to get them to understand me. When he sees them by himself he usually comes back to tell me they think I'm a narcissist. I'm surprised these therapists just validate his lies just like that not realising it's making him worse!    Anyways, I think you need to go with him to see a psychiatrist who specialises and understands the symptoms of ADHD. 
    >>> on Forum topic - Counseling Fails

  • by: jayjay - 1 week 4 days ago
    Does your husband feel it's not his fault he has ADHD and it's for you to accommodate his symptoms? I can't lie, I'm sure you've read it here enough times it gets worse with a child and even more worse with a second child. Before baby there was so much over promising, setting up routines and times he will stay up to look after baby, but when the baby arrived he couldn't wait to get out of hospital quick enough! After that he blamed baby as difficult for waking up for feeds because good babies he knew slept...
    >>> on Forum topic - ADHD husband creates situations that are not there

  • by: Introvert - 1 week 4 days ago
    I understand what you're saying- and I'm sorry you were dealt that blow, his expectation that you would just accommodate him with no effort of his own to improve his treatment of you or the hardship he introduced into your life. It sounds like he was quite unempathetic and self centered and perhaps had more going on that adhd, in his entitlement and abusive behaviors. My SO tends to want to partner with me EXCEPT when triggered in insecurity as with the RSD response.  He loses all perspective in those...
    >>> on Forum topic - Is it advisable to suggest ADD to my partner who shows the signs?

  • by: TryingToMakeItWork - 1 week 4 days ago
    Hi Introvert, It is great that "the conversation" went so well for you and that it seems your SO was able to hear you and consider it. I remember that I was also relieved to find that my husband was willing to consider whether ADHD explained some of his behavior, when I worked myself up to have the conversation. My guy tends to have what sounds like a very similar defensive reaction when I show annoyance with his behaviors, so I had not been sure how it would go. I hope that the next steps go more...
    >>> on Forum topic - Is it advisable to suggest ADD to my partner who shows the signs?

  • by: Introvert - 1 week 4 days ago
    That sounds horrible. and I'm sorry you faced that kind of abuse.  My SO doesn't rage, what he does is get super defensive and manipulative when he is triggered into RSD response. He gets triggered when I become annoyed or step up assertiveness around his adhd behavior.  Then he feels criticized and defensive and it just deteriorates into spiteful nonsense.  I think if he were aware of his sensitivity he would be able to work with it.  He shows the desire for change where he can but needs help with this...
    >>> on Forum topic - Is it advisable to suggest ADD to my partner who shows the signs?

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