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by: lupath26 -
Ha, buy one get one free, if only that deal existed. Two people doing the work at the same time is honestly rare, so keep going. Glad my two cents helped and thanks for the laugh.>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: lupath26 -
That is the best news in this whole thread. Keep letting therapy be the steady part while the rest gets worked out, and good for you for already being in it.>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: N4ally2 -
First, I’m so sorry to hear what you’re dealing with. Your post, along with many of the comments here, reminds me of different parts of how I felt about my own relationship with my ADHD partner eight years ago. At the time, he wasn’t on medication or in therapy, was dependent on alcohol, and was dealing with manic depression. We were on the verge of divorce. Eight years later, we are in a very different place—and we’re happy together. We’ve learned how to communicate with each other...>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: lostandlonely1 -
Thanks - I am in therapy too. Too bad you can't get a buy one-get one free deal because we've really kept therapists in business for years now. I appreciate your comments.>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: lupath26 -
Thanks J, that followup landed. Caught myself mid-list of grievances last night and just went to bed instead. Small wins, but they are stacking up.>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: Swedish coast -
Neuchatel, you can be proud of your independent thinking. It takes a lot of strength to keep one’s own perspective after trying for so long to keep a relationship together. About intelligence, isn’t that the strangest thing about ADHD dysfunction? That it has nothing to do with intelligence? You’d suppose a highly intelligent, educated person would reason in a way you recognize as logical. Instead logic might be lost, since executive dysfunction blocks whatever pathways lead there. I’...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: J -
Ironically, my middle sister contacted me a couple weeks after I sent her an update on my status. In that communication, she told me what she's doing and packing to do so which is.....getting ready to fly up to our home town to visit my other ( the eldest ) sister which she does every summer without fail. Ive never been invited to join [ them ] even once in over 25 years of this pattern, but I can tell you exactly what their itinerary will be. A big part of why I've never been invited is for...>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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by: J -
Social Organizing: Remembering family birthdays, buying gifts for his relatives, and scheduling double dates with friends. Emotional Gatekeeping: Serving as his exclusive therapist, emotional outlet, and primary source of mental health support. Relationship Maintenance: Forcing him to call his parents or keeping tabs on his workplace conflicts so he does not alienate others. When I read this, I cringed. It...>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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by: J -
The only person you have any power or control over is you.>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: Neuchatel81 -
1Melody1 and Swedish Coast - I cannot tell you how very much I appreciate your comments and support. Sometimes I feel as if I am in a dream and none of this real. Husband is so insistent about what he thinks/feels that sometimes it causes me to doubt myself and my feelings. I know that I HAVE made every effort to save the relationship (on my part) and that is why I am also going through with the Family Mediation in mid-September. I asked husband what he thought this would bring - he agreed it...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: quietpath -
What struck me in your posts, 2Independent, is that fear and exhaustion are feeding each other: you can't rest because you don't know the real numbers, and you can't get the numbers because you're too exhausted to fight for them. Financial secrets do that — they keep you living in a fog of "what if," which is often scarier than any actual balance sheet. Two things helped people I know in similar spots: 1. Get a hard, factual picture before mediation — full statements for every account you...>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: Off the roller ... -
I realised that I never put my comment here. Im not sure what you can do to help, this is their journey and you need to look after yourself. It sounds so cliche but its true. Id get a therapist for myself and read the Melissa book but also try my best to have a routine and look after myself It's really tough. Hang in there.>>> on Forum topic - Support for estranged partner
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by: 1Melody1 -
Just wanted to send a virtual hug. You have tried so hard to keep the marriage intact. Whatever happens, you can do this. Look what you've endured so far. Some months in the future when this is somewhat sorted, your life is likely so be so much simpler and your nervous system will get to relax for the first time in years (decades?). It's a really good feeling. You don't even know how stressed and activated you are when you're in it until you're not anymore.>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: Swedish coast -
It sounds like he’s twisting reality to suit himself. This is manipulative and dishonest. I’ve seen the same kind of reasoning in my ex too. What he felt was fair and real had nothing to do with agreements made or the realities of my life. My partner finished our 22 year relationship off with claiming he’d never really agreed to any of our life choices. He’d just said yes because he couldn’t stand up for himself. And now he’d make up for it by helping himself to funds. Which means our...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: Pseudonym -
I feel for you and your situation. You are not alone in this. I too am in a place similar to yours. I've been hopeful and working to initiate change for 20+ years without outside help. I started to see a therapist for myself and read books on how to communicate better. Sadly, my newly learned efforts bring RSD and reactions that turn my feelings and concerns back into my fault. It's mostly fruitless, unless I catch my partner at the "right time" and he absorbs some of what I relay. Some positive...>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: quietpath -
The line that stopped me: your shutdowns used to last weeks, now months or years. That shift is worth paying attention to — it usually means the mechanism has stopped being self-protection and started becoming the default state. You are not checking out of the marriage; your system has quietly concluded there is no listener on the other end. One pattern in how you describe things: you attribute nearly everything to yourself — your anxious attachment, your emotionally neglectful parents, your...>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: lupath26 -
What strikes me about your setup: he has his own therapist, you two have the couples counselor — but you, the person shutting down for weeks and months at a time, have nobody working with just you. That shutdown response started long before this marriage; you named it yourself — emotionally neglectful parents taught you that going silent was how you survived. An individual therapist could help you untangle why anger directed at you freezes you, and that work pays off whether the marriage continues or...>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: Neuchatel81 -
To make certain husband understands I am doing all I can to repair relationship, I mistakenly thought talking to him today would be a good idea. Despite stating I was at a crossroads and wanted to keep our relationship intact, husband considered this a “threat” and told me I am: too controlling, hyperfocus on small inconsequential things, and I want him to come to me on “bended knee.” Guess I have my answer - I HAVE done all I can but his choice to to be angry, defensiveness, and deflect all...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: 2Independent -
He has brought up needing hearing aids. Again, I will have to be the person to put that in motion (if it's up, see my post here about "mankeeping"). I know I sound pessimistic, but just like meds that have helped him in the past, I can imagine him getting them and not using them. It's why I haven't pushed this issue, although I have mentioned it now and then. I can give it another try. Driving: most of the screaming-in-the-car is when I'm driving because he cannot assist with directions (and...>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: 2Independent -
As someone who is older (rapidly approaching retirement age) and in this for nearly 20 years, I'd say totally trust your gut while you're still young enough to get out of this situation without too much financial hardship. Honestly, when I look back, I feel like I should have left a long time ago while I still had years of career ahead of me. Now, my career has slowed down dramatically, and it is the finances that are keeping me here right now. I'm so very sorry to hear what has been going...>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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