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by: 1Melody1 -
Sounds like you had a breakthrough! I hope it was a wakeup call for him and you can work through it together. Ongoing counselling is great start that will help keep him on track without YOU feeling responsible for keeping him on track if that makes sense. Wishing you the best!>>> on Forum topic - Will things ever change?
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by: c ur self -
I tippy toed around lack of respect, and uncaring actions...And the complete non repentance and justification of it, until we were just two strangers living in separate parts of the house for years....Just not a life & nothing remotely close to being a marriage...I'm great alone, it's peaceful...I am so thankful you see it for what it is...No hate....I too wish my ex. well, she demanded to ignore her vows, go her own way, and live like she was single, now she gets to...The last good thing I could...>>> on Forum topic - Toxic Environment. Dominance and Control
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by: J -
I'm just to the place where I can tolerate only so much. If the trajectory keeps spiraling down, the end result I already know. It makes decisions clearer, without staying for the wrong reasons. Making me not dependent on her for anything is more of a decision, rather than an obligation. If it's simply a difference in values, then I say, I wish her the best and mean it in my heart. Fortunately, I still don't hate anybody. I'm overjoyed to have been here, and all of that was real. If it wasn't...>>> on Forum topic - Toxic Environment. Dominance and Control
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by: c ur self -
Most here aren't suffering from being married to a husband or wife w/ add/adhd...Most are being subjected to things other than ADHD....Things like lies, unconcern, denial, blame, no ownership of behaviors, cheating, laziness, hoarding, and justification and refusal to communicate about the reality of their lived out lives...People like you who own and can communicate about their reality are dreams to love and co-exist with... It's not ADHD....<3 c>>> on Forum topic - I have ADHD
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by: c ur self -
Putting up w/ H, trying to have a companion is not really good....Of course it took me 17 years of hating it, to get the balls to walk away...Good luck my friend, what ever you do... c>>> on Forum topic - Toxic Environment. Dominance and Control
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by: Srh1325 -
Thanks to everyone who replied - I cant tell you what a difference its made just to open up about my situation, and hearing from other people who have been in similar positions. I hadn't realised how isolated I was feeling - its amazing how much we just keep our heads down and put on a brave face to get on with daily life isnt it. I’ve now been clear and told him if he doesnt engage with treatment and really give it his all, then I cant stay. I think its hit him, the impact the condition has...>>> on Forum topic - Will things ever change?
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by: Swedish coast -
My heart goes out to you. This sounds so painful. That unawareness of how his behavior affects you, isn’t it heartbreaking? It’s easier to distance onseself from an uncaring and truly arrogant partner. The caring and loving partner, whose ADHD symptoms are effectively ruining one’s life, isn’t that cognitive dissonance too strange to comprehend? I lived for twenty years with a man who loved me and would do anything for me and the children - only he couldn’t do much at all except make...>>> on Forum topic - Will things ever change?
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by: honestly -
I was very struck by this dymanic. You say you love him, but the way you describe him is that he’s rude, impatient, unempathetic, undemonstrative of affection, vents his frustration on you and the kids, does not like to show vulnerability and comes across as arrogant. On top of this he won’t do the one thing that might begin to improve things for you - take safe, proven, medication. It sounds horrible. And it doesn’t sound like there’s a lot to love there. I was in a similar boat - down to the...>>> on Forum topic - Will things ever change?
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by: SAHD -
I am a husband with ADHD the only thing you got to keep in mind first and foremost although annoying some of the behavior of the exhibits it's not intentional it cannot be helped even if on medication I am on medication and I still have some of the Annoying Behavior although not as bad as far as interrupting conversations go as if I have a thought and I don't spit it out right away I will then forget it follow rude and annoying not intentional like I tell my wife when it comes to communication when...>>> on Forum topic - Will things ever change?
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by: 1Melody1 -
Unless he sees the impact his behaviours are having on people clearly and is motivated to address his ADHD, my opinion is that you can't expect a lot to change. And if he's unwilling to make medication part of the equation, that makes it even more challenging. Much like you respect his decision not to treat the ADHD and improve the relationship, I hope he'll respect if you end up having to leave as a result. I was in a very similar 20-year marriage and I waited and hoped and encouraged for...>>> on Forum topic - Will things ever change?
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by: honestly -
I'm trying to delete this as it was the result of a misreading>>> on Forum topic - Toxic Environment. Dominance and Control
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by: honestly -
That stuck with me too. I really feel for you, J; but I'm really glad too that you can see this now for what it is. The fact that you can now tie it to earlier behaviour is absolutely crucial - you now see the pattern and the escalation. Kicking you over you not dealing with a spider fast enough?! I wonder if she might actually be dissociative as a result of past trauma; ie be in a different state when stressed? If so, it's a reason for the behaviour, but not a reason for you do anything other...>>> on Forum topic - Toxic Environment. Dominance and Control
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by: J -
I'm following up with my exit strategy when the time comes. This grabbing my shirt collar and holding her closed fist cocked and ready to strike, is actually the third time she made physical contact with me. The first time, was when there was a spider in the kitchen and she yelled for help. I got up to see what I could do, and she was yelling and waving her pointed finger, in the direction of where the spider was. She wasn't pointing exactly where so I asked "where?". She became upset that her waving...>>> on Forum topic - Toxic Environment. Dominance and Control
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by: J -
When I first returned here after my time away. We had a discussion about Lizs behavior then in terms of "Control". You brought to light the idea of "dominating " as a separate issue and one to be aware of. And yes, the mention of trust and what I said. In my mind, this has now crossed into the realm of domination in my untrained experience. It definitely affects how I see my situation now, compared to a year ago. If I had to guess, this IS an example of someone trying to dominate...>>> on Forum topic - Toxic Environment. Dominance and Control
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by: J -
I said I've been using AI Chat to help organize my thoughts. It also synthesis what I imput into it, and feeds it back to me in a linear organized way. Here's what it said in light of all your responses: I’ve been sitting with what’s happened and the responses here, and I used AI to help me organize my thoughts. What came out of that feels important to share back. --- Where I Am Now What happened — Liz grabbing me by the collar and raising her fist — wasn’t just...>>> on Forum topic - Toxic Environment. Dominance and Control
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by: Swedish coast -
Sorry, J. I agree with Honestly. This isn’t a good dynamic. You said some other time you weren’t sure you trusted your SO. I’m concerned too that you may be in an unsafe relationship. Please take care.>>> on Forum topic - Toxic Environment. Dominance and Control
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by: honestly -
But I'm very concerned for you. Raising a fist to you, however physically unthreatening she might be, is very very far from acceptable behaviour. No loving partner does this. A boundary has been shattered. My brother, a skilled manual labourer who's as solid as an ox, experienced something like this with his (thank God now ex) wife. It escalated, until one day she came at him with a knife. There is a risk that should you get into a tussle with her, trying to defend yourself, you...>>> on Forum topic - Toxic Environment. Dominance and Control
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by: Off the roller ... -
Man that sounds like a lot J! Oddly enough, I've been in your position when the clarity comes ringing through like a bell. A bell you can't unring. Now that you've had this experience, what next step are you taking?? Your story has enlightened me to remind myself that I too have been wrapped up in in laws stuff that has been a stage or a theatre for a show...without the main characters acknowledging what they are doing. It reminds me that I must continue to do thr work on myself and not...>>> on Forum topic - Toxic Environment. Dominance and Control
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by: honestly -
a switch gets flipped, I think. It happened to me, it's happened to friends and family too - not just in ADHD impacted relationships but any dysfunctional marriage. You can go so far, giving and accommodating and twisting yourself into weird shapes for your partner, not prioritising your own needs or happiness because there's no time and space for that, and then something happens and it flips a switch and it's like the light goes on and you see things for what they are, see how much discomfort you...>>> on Forum topic - Yank myself out of the numbness
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by: Swedish coast -
I’d say there’s no shame in stepping out of a dysfunctional relationship. Starting a family, you need a foundation of trust. If your ex fiancé doesn’t earn your trust, marrying him would be irresponsible. I can’t see any moral fault in leaving. Even if you are emotionally and spiritually connected to a person, they also need to meet your expectations to be right for you. Because it’s your life, not any life. I’d ditch guilt. All the best!>>> on Forum topic - Dead end road
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