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by: Off the roller ... -
I knew exactly what line u were referring to I the title and I loved where u too it. So much food for thought I've had to re read it about 100+ times>>> on Forum topic - The Little Lights aren't Twinkling Clark
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by: c ur self -
I think we all have probably been there, I know I have.... Until the THINKING for each other, talking AT each other, demanding our independence, instead of realizing our roles and interdependence between us must always be present, no matter the circumstances of life, we can't get out of the cycle...Only total respect and full acceptance of each other can calm us...(Humility)...What ever decision's are made past that point can be made thoughtfully and calmly...>>> on Forum topic - Is this the end of a marriage?
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by: Off the roller ... -
It's definitely not you. At least not all of it. I have felt and do feel like you a lot so I understand everything you wrote. I'd like to say it's thr ADHD and to be honest, it sounds like it is. However, if the adhd partner doesn't realise that their unmanaged symptoms AND you don't realise your reaction to those symptoms all plays a party, you get stuck in that hopeless cycle that swirls around and feels endless. I've been there - and still in it but there are times I've managed to bring myself to...>>> on Blog post - ADHD and Marriage - Giving Up Control
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by: Swedish coast -
This pursuing and being verbal I share with you. And an avoidant ADHD partner who didn’t want to talk about ADHD or address ADHD-specific problems. Even though he’s a specialist in the field and has now, a couple of years after our marriage’s spectacular failure, said he was well aware of the ADHD effect on marriage. All along. But he never mentioned it. Just denied it or avoided it. I agree with Melissa who says ADHD doesn’t end marriages, denial does. The cycles of conflict you...>>> on Forum topic - Is this the end of a marriage?
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by: MP -
I relate to you in so many ways. My husband is very similar and we have 2 toddlers & we work full time. I went to therapy for a while and my therapist said it sounds like he is bipolar. He ended up having an episode at work & finally is talking to a psychiatrist. Most of his life he was treated for ADHD but now is medicated for bipolar too. I never understood the changes of opinions, his hyper focus on projects at times, late night binges, & crazy sleep patterns. Now I’m informed and...>>> on Forum topic - Anyone experienced these with ADHD spouse? Just so tired.
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by: Swedish coast -
I’ve been in a similar place. The infuriating thing is when treated like you describe, it’s so hard to offer one’s partner an olive branch, or the generosity that could tilt things toward the better. I’ve followed your disappointment a little, you’ve been writing occasionally for some time now. So sorry you are still there. If anything, perhaps I’d suggest momentarily trying to ignore how bad things are? Picking a loving attitude despite not really feeling it? Doing a thoughtful...>>> on Forum topic - How do you deal with the constant disappointment?
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by: confused.wife -
I have been with my husband 30yrs. He has always been hyper. He sleeps very well & always Wakes up 100mph. I’m not as lively as him in the mornings. Iv always accepted that was just him. He is now 53, since adhd had become more discussed openly Iv often considered that if he was a child in this day he wld have definitely been diagnosed adhd. I have mentioned this to him which he refuses to accept. He’s the type of man who doesn’t understand low mood or anxiety. It’s always just get on with it....>>> on Blog post - ADHD and Marriage - Giving Up Control
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by: Off the roller ... -
I hear ya. In my experience so far, its been a tough pill for me to swallow about radical acceptance. I don't want to be disappointed by my adhd spouse, but then they really let me down. How? Because I had an expectation that they couldnt meet. Or didn't want to. Or physically/mentally weren't able but neither side could communicate what needed to be communicated. But that's where I'm at now, it's really hard to wrap my brain around that if I'm this disappointed day in and day out, and this is...>>> on Forum topic - How do you deal with the constant disappointment?
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by: Gunnut -
When my ADHD wife started taking meds, she said that she didn’t notice any benefit except that I stopped yelling at her. She saw no part in her starting and escalating fights. Saw nothing of on her over the top extreme reactions to preceived rejection sensitivity. She was always the hapless, surprised “victim” of her unreasonable insensitive husband. It took her hearing “No ma’am. You are the emotional abuser.”, from a marriage councilor, For it to even sort of sink in.>>> on Forum topic - Am I Somehow Deserving of the Abuse?
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by: PerezosoPrimero -
First, you’re in good company. Exact same behaviors and my emotional response varies from anger to grief to dismay and despair, loneliness, confusion of course disappointment and then hope again. In my wife’s case, I encounter the perfectionism/hyper-focus death loop, and a set of profoundly immature coping mechanisms courtesy a dysfunctional family and upbringing. It is tough. Second, I am very fortunate that my wife is an awesome human struggling against this disorder with very clear insight. ...>>> on Forum topic - How do you deal with the constant disappointment?
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by: Swedish coast -
Having now experienced how tough the time after splitting has been, I wonder if the marriage was allowed to drag on too long. I loved my ex and wanted to give the marriage all I could, but it would probably have been better for my health not to. In or out of the relationship, we’ll still need to face all the coming days. Like Melody said, life can still be hard. I had an awakening soon before divorce, speaking to a neighbor who had emergencies in her family. One of the children’s...>>> on Forum topic - Neurospicy house
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by: Swedish coast -
Trauma caught up with me after we moved apart. I used to think he couldn’t hurt me. He always seemed like the weak one in our arguments. He’d be angry and shouting but what he said lacked logic and argumentation was weak to say the least. Then when I was out, I discovered I had a sizable trauma. I’d been using reason as a way to steady and calm myself - he was obviously wrong, so I could feel secure in my logic. After, the lack of logic and consistency could no longer be dismissed. It was no...>>> on Forum topic - This is hard
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by: Joining4858 -
Thank you. Yeah I'm going to have to be more cautious.>>> on Forum topic - This is hard
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by: Joining4858 -
Thank you. Yeah, it's so mind blowing that she'll be fuming mad/upset at me in one moment, but then be cheerful the next day. I'm left thinking, "What happened!?">>> on Forum topic - How to support when ADHD partner is overloaded?
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by: Joining4858 -
I've had probably 4 different arguments with my ADHD spouse in the recent weeks. All of them consisted of expressing frustration in the marriage on my part and her part. I have been evaluating and thinking about my relationship. I realized that is rational to want to leave the relationship because of unwitting abuse. As well, the flip-flops of mood and energy is like getting an emotional whiplash. So I told my partner that I think there are grounds for separation. My partner got...>>> on Forum topic - This is hard
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by: 1Melody1 -
Splitting was my only solve too. Much like honestly, things improved for ALL of us after the split. Being a single mom is hard, but easier than managing the daily ADHD extras of someone else's uncontrolled messes, moods and lack of accountability on top of already doing everything else. My ex was happier living life on his terms with limited responsibilities too. Our daughter was happier because his ADHD behaviour affected her almost as much as it did me and two happy separated parents served her...>>> on Forum topic - Neurospicy house
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by: 1Melody1 -
It's so great that you're such a supportive partner. I think your instinct to let her handle her own problems is right though. We can't really solve for their fluctuations anyway and when we can, we can become their crutch for getting through things that they need to build their own skills to manage. Medication and coaching might help her feel more even and learn how to manage the ups and downs more effectively. But again - that's something you can only suggest and she has to embrace. In my...>>> on Forum topic - How to support when ADHD partner is overloaded?
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by: honestly -
It wasn’t the content of the article I meant, really - I think it’s obvious and annoying tbh. And when my ex shared it with me as a revellation I could have easily exploded with fury right there on the spot. What it was, was the way it seemed to make sense to my ex, because a man said it on the internet. His wife saying it in person - zero impact. I agree with you - this way of figuring men is a damaging cliche. Awful partners come in all genders.>>> on Forum topic - How do you deal with the constant disappointment?
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by: WildBill2500 -
Thank you for the article, but I stopped reading when it claims that men behave like children. This is a pet peeve of mine. My father was useless when it came to anything other than his business (which also ultimately failed like his marriage). I have been driven my entire life to be as self-sufficient as possible, being a latchkey kid in the late early 90s reinforced it. I have always been involved in the household work and parenting my son. I am an actual responsible man - we exist! Shocking huh...>>> on Forum topic - How do you deal with the constant disappointment?
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by: ForumModerator -
I think it is a great idea. So I will help make that request on behalf of you and everyone who likes to have this feature. Thank you for helping us make the site an even better community. Best, Alice Moderator, coach and consulting @ ADHD&Marriage>>> on Forum topic - He blames me
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