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by: Swedish coast -
I agree Sanguine. There’s a reflex at least in my culture to assume conflicting partners are both equally to blame. Unless there’s physical violence perhaps. The thing about ADHD-non marriage conflict in my opinion is it isn’t best described in moral terms. Since conflict is driven by lack of understanding and lack of ability, it’s rather a clumsy blindfolded nightmare version of regular conflict. I guess it’d be correct to say both my ex and I have endured a lot of emotional abuse. However...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: Sanguine -
Most couples therapy and most marital advice/self-help is premised on the assumption that there is a problematic dynamic to which both spouses contribute, and therefore that both have something to work on. A lot of people with ADHD (certainly all with RSD) will leverage that to reassure themselves that they're not the problem, especially if they're not ready to change. They will find fault with you, real or imagined, and usually they will convince themselves that they can't change until you do....>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: Off the roller ... -
Just came on here to lend support and it sounds like its really really tough. Melanie Beatty books on co-dependancy really helped me through a similar time to yours - but it is hard to sit with the hard shit and not actually try to change it. Sending hugs>>> on Forum topic - Disrespected
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by: Off the roller ... -
I just came on here to say that it sounds really really really tough what you're going through. Im glad u shared it and you aren't alone.>>> on Forum topic - Disrespected
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by: Swedish coast -
It’s cruel, but I relate to this as well. Feeling misunderstood and criticized enough finally made my ex too lose consideration for how his actions affected me. Coupled with his unawareness of the (terrible) effect his untreated conditions had had already, this was painful. There was a flip, when he decided to save himself and no longer cared about me. At that point, it’s easy to wish you hadn’t spent the last years accommodating his illness and stretching yourself thin.>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: Swedish coast -
J, I was hoping you’d share. Your vivid story of living with cattle today is spot on. I believe depression that seems to be a hallmark of our time is often due to stressors being unconfined. Your bull problem is in the now, and when you’ve herded the animals off, you can relax. Most people today don’t ever get to relax. Threats are constant and have to do with being liked or accepted or not, or having made the right choices or not. Our world is super complex and I actually don’t think...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD wisdom of the present
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Thank you for your comments. I do realize this is having an effect on me (and my health), so that is why I told husband I could not longer check in with him on anything as he becomes SO reactive I simply cannot take the drama. We had a talk today that was not easy by any means; even though he is about the smartest person I know, he acts as if he does not understand what I say (even when I carefully explain it), and then accuses me of just implying it is all his fault. I have owned my responsibility in...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: Swedish coast -
This sounds like what happened in the last year of my marriage. My ex and I had dug down so deep into our patterns, we were hypersensitive to each other. He was 18 months into treatment for ADHD and changing medication had altered his personality, too. I no longer had to do anything, he’d still sense my disappointment and resentment like a burn. My skin crawled just at the sight of him. His boneless horizontal position on furniture gave me heart palpitations. When this happened, we...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: partnerofadhdbf -
Not to excuse this behavior but maybe share some insight to what it could possibly be. Oftentimes they say Avoidant attachment can coincide with ADHD. I think when avoidants are in a fight or flight state they try to devalue their partner as a means of self preservation. In their mind during this time they visualize you as the enemy to try and push you away to preserve themselves. This is in my experience something that only gets better when you don’t argue it and give them full space. Harder said...>>> on Forum topic - Why have I gone from her hero to her villain?
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by: partnerofadhdbf -
Hi I know this is an older post as I am scrolling pretty far back as I’m new to this site. I wanted to let you know you aren’t alone and see if there has been any updates in behavior or a solution. I’m going through something very similar but my ADHD/avoidant partner actually shuts down with me in the house still. Barely any talking and just hyper focus on the things he needs to get done. All emotions and attention are now gone and I am worried about his own mental well being and less about my own...>>> on Forum topic - What is real?
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by: J -
....Look at you, J, living your best life outdoors." You've really opened up a huge topic Swedish...and one you should know better with me, unless you want a long response! Lol I'll try to break this down the best that I can to address a few things you said. First however, I want to point out something that I see thrown out...and thats the term "best life". There's an assumption within that phrase, that implies everyone understands that to mean the same thing which I suspect, is not...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD wisdom of the present
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by: Swedish coast -
Elliej, it’s nice to hear from you, and thank you for validation. I’m sorry to hear you’re also still in reverberations of the marriage. For those of us who’ve sustained trauma, it doesn’t seem to be a quick recovery. You describe your ex as outwardly thriving now. It sounds like he has no appreciation for your efforts. I think men who’ve struggled with ADHD and accumulated comorbidities in the marriage try to offload their failures and shame onto us, their divorced wives. With some...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD wisdom of the present
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by: Elliej -
Hi Swedish. Its been a while since i posted but you, along with others in this community, helped me. As always i agree with you. I too, four years later, am no real way to be better following the collapse of my marriage. The problems that persisted in the marrriage, didnt disappear. Yet he now lives his best life. New house, new job, new dog and finally therapy and medicine. Whilst telling me i brainwashed him for 18years. The cruelty is real.>>> on Forum topic - ADHD wisdom of the present
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by: partnerofadhdbf -
Oh absolutely- I should have specified though the issue with transitioning into intimacy from day to day life was an issue expressed prior to his shut down/overwhelm but the depression for sure makes it impossible currently which I don’t question>>> on Forum topic - Struggling with (Assumed) ADHD Shutdown
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by: Swedish coast -
Don’t know his circumstances exactly, but as far as I know depression is a reliable libido killer.>>> on Forum topic - Struggling with (Assumed) ADHD Shutdown
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by: partnerofadhdbf -
Thank you so much for this feedback yes I absolutely think the RSD you are mentioning may be at play and he admitted it makes him feel maybe sort of inferior no matter how many times I try to explain I like helping and being part of his team as he always helps me when he is not in these shutdown states.>>> on Forum topic - Struggling with (Assumed) ADHD Shutdown
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by: RockandAHardPlace -
I have seen this also happen for me. If you haven't read Melissa Orlov's books, I highly recommend them. A few things that I noticed from your posts. His "over reaction" to you doing his laundry or cutting the grass sounds like RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) and/or DERS (Deficient Emotional Self-Regulation). They are not uncommon to find with someone with ADHD or Autism. Do you think it makes him feel incapable or deficient in some way when you are just trying to help? I would suggest...>>> on Forum topic - Struggling with (Assumed) ADHD Shutdown
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by: RockandAHardPlace -
Sanguine...The reason I asked is that if you are only staying together because of the kids, that honeslty isn't a good reason. Your kids will see the unhappiness. And despite being separated, it is more healthy for everyone, the kids included. If you have a hard time seeing how you will hold your marriage together without the kids, then maybe it's time to focus on what that would really look like. But I do understand that is very different when you have a child with special needs. That adds another...>>> on Forum topic - How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?
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by: partnerofadhdbf -
Another thing I noticed is while he is not deactivated we are like best friends, laughing honest jokes, we cuddle hug kiss etc. but the actual sex has took a turn and happens not so often. When it does I feel we are happy with it but he admitted that sometimes he feels we are like best friends and it’s hard for his brain to switch into intimacy mode. Is this normal for those who suffer with ADHD? I find that I do not struggle so much but I read that when someone has issues with adhd it can happen.>>> on Forum topic - Struggling with (Assumed) ADHD Shutdown
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by: partnerofadhdbf -
Thank you very much for these suggestions they all seem like a great idea and I will continue to try and do my own hobbies more often to give him more space and take my mind off of it all. I currently try to go the gym each day after work and on weekends I try to occupy my time with friends/hobbies.>>> on Forum topic - Struggling with (Assumed) ADHD Shutdown
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