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by: Swedish coast -
Walking with a friend was my best coping strategy. Most nights, when children had been put to bed, for an hour or more. Starting a time-consuming hobby away from the house but including child, was another. Actually, keeping away from home. It saved me.>>> on Forum topic - The loneliness
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by: Swedish coast -
Thanks J for your thoughts. When reding your text I’m reminded of the difficulty of finding logic and reason in a relationship over time. Time together with a loved one is so fleeting and hard to describe, isn’t it? One reacts to a partner’s frowns or quick breathing. One remembers a previous conflict in a similar situation. On deducts, tries to paste together thousands of moments and reactions, to understand where one stands, where one’s partner stands. One is surprised by events that seem...>>> on Forum topic - ADD inability of communicating boundaries
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by: J -
"While resilience focuses on "bouncing back" from adversity, emotional elasticity focuses on how emotions change and adapt in the face of ongoing challenges." Swedish, I've given your post some thought, especially a few things that you said as I am trying to understand this topic too for my own reasons. "One’s supposed to make one’s own ( boundaries) and enforce them. When codependent, one has let things get out of hand, which makes for unhealthy compromises." I'm focusing on the "...>>> on Forum topic - ADD inability of communicating boundaries
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by: RyanSH -
Thank you for that feedback. I am at the start of this process and it all feels very overwhelming. I am exhausted keeping our whole life together and trying to be a good mother to our 3 year old son. I have some hope but not sure how to for how long.>>> on Forum topic - Next steps
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by: Swedish coast -
If the ADHD partner can perceive the issues and act on them, there’s hope. As a non-ADHD partner, however, I found nothing I did mattered.>>> on Forum topic - Next steps
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by: 1Melody1 -
For me, it never did improve. I tried really hard for a long time though (married 20 years - the latter half was when things went downhill). The last thing I wanted was a divorce. Though I will say things improved for all of us (including our daughter) with the split and it was the right decision. I think the thing that makes the difference is whether or not the partner with ADHD can see the issues clearly and if they're taking concrete actions to improve things with you. The non-ADHD partner can't...>>> on Forum topic - Next steps
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by: RyanSH -
I wanted to find some hope that my marriage could get better. Was your experience that it never did and the best thing for you and your family was to leave? I keep wondering the same thing.>>> on Forum topic - Next steps
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by: 1Melody1 -
You're a rational person so the solution you want is the one that makes sense. One partner's condition/behaviour is causing utter chaos for the family so that partner needs to make some changes, with support, to ensure that everyone can thrive in the relationship. It took me a decade to see that the rational solution was never going to happen. No matter what words I said or how I said them or how much my physical and mental health declined or how much our daughter desperately cried for him to...>>> on Forum topic - Next steps
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by: c ur self -
I had been there for several of our 17 total years...She refused to communicate openly and calmly about her lived out life, nor would she own it....(Total denial and blame if I brought it up) It kept me trapped, and it's keeping you trapped... I finally stopped talking!!!! and saw the reality of it all (I was going to live out my life w/no active loving caring partner, just a messy uncaring, unconcerned roommate who was using me as a cook, cleaning person, and free rent hotel room supplier...>>> on Forum topic - Next steps
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by: honestly -
‘could I be keeping the status quo bc it's fulfilling to me to have something to give out about and I will break finally if I see him actually do the things when I'm not around??? ‘ You ask yourself this. You also anguish over the modelling your son is experiencing. You don’t want to leave. But I invite you for a moment to imagine happiness. Just imagine getting up every day with sense of adequacy and ease. Doing your job and meeting your kid’s needs and having an ordered home and...>>> on Forum topic - Next steps
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by: Swedish coast -
Thank you NorthCountry. A little revelation too.>>> on Forum topic - ADD inability of communicating boundaries
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by: Swedish coast -
I had a little revelation here. Thank you C.>>> on Forum topic - ADD inability of communicating boundaries
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by: N4ally2 -
You are welcome. Emotional dysregulation is different than RSD. Dr. Barkley, a retired renowned ADHD expert, has videos on ADHD that covers the basic of emotional dysregulation and RSD. To help you get to the right video, here is the one on emotional dysregulation and one on RSD. These videos should help you get somewhat up to speed on what they do, how it manifest in ADHD and you potentially can start connecting the dots of how it surface up in your partner. One of the things I would say is...>>> on Forum topic - Jekyll and Hyde
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by: Swedish coast -
I ache for you. And you certainly don’t seem like a coward. Something makes it hard for you to voice your concerns to your partner, but whatever that is, it can’t be lack of courage? Lack of trust, maybe? Because if he were anything resembling a good partner, you would be able to tell him you’re unhappy with the status quo. For me, ADD rage was frightening. And towards the end I could set it off by accident, because his defensive behavior could kick in at anything reminding him of...>>> on Forum topic - Next steps
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by: Off the roller ... -
Quite typical of ADHDers who aren't regulated or aware of their heightened sensitivities.>>> on Forum topic - Jekyll and Hyde
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by: Off the roller ... -
Yeah I hear you Swedish. The key word is: exhastion. My spouse just exhasts himself every day for everyone else. He'd also say for me but in my opinion, I've not benefited from his people pleasing tendencies and have found that the very essence of daily life and being married to him has been utterly exhasting for me as I'm left bearing the lion's share of all the daily life c**p that does indeed need to get done somehow, someway. I drop balls left right and centre every day. Haven't cleaned or...>>> on Forum topic - Next steps
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by: Off the roller ... -
oh, also he does take medication, seems to have found one that he likes...however like I said before, I see or experience no positive things in regards to our home life. To me, he's not better. He's gotten worse. But I have seen him even worse before and he hit rock bottom so I guess the medicine is working?>>> on Forum topic - Next steps
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by: heycanusmile -
Thank you for the reply and link - I appreciate it. I didn’t ever hear this acronym before but after reading the article - I am interpreting this as the same as being “emotionally immature” - Am I correct with that or misinterpreting the article? I suppose I should look up articles that help me understand how I am to cope with someone who has been diagnosed with RSD because I definitely struggle. I feel like when I experience this - first I take it personally, which makes me feel like a horrible...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD spouse venting
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by: Off the roller ... -
It's incredible the amount of support he's now created for himself...all while our marriage crashes and burns. I guess though, I need to be a bit kinder to myself and him - it's not like I'm pursuing him about our marriage repeatedly. I've just kinda sunk into a pattern of telling myself it won't matter anyways so what's the point...then being mad at myself for not saying anything. But the irony of your question is that he is currently seeing one of the best psychiatrists in the county (...>>> on Forum topic - Next steps
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by: heycanusmile -
Thanks for your reply…this is the first time I’m hearing the words “emotional dysregulation” - which I assume is or similar to the other term I read about on this forum - called RSD. He is on medication, but struggles in remembering/wanting to take it or getting refills in a timely manner. Despite my efforts over the yrs in setting up reminders…he gets very irritated with me for doing so - reminders on his phone, notes, or hearing me ask him directly - none of the which are effective in his mind. I...>>> on Forum topic - Jekyll and Hyde
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