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by: Swedish coast -
Thank you. You clearly know what you’re talking about. Isn’t it funny I always thought myself independent? Decided at a young age I would rather have no romantic relationship than a bad one, and lived according to that. But I was used to getting a lot of attention from men, and now there’s none. Even my ADD husband, dysfunctional though the marriage was, always expressed deep love for me. It’s almost like I can’t live without that external gaze. My young self would have scoffed at this un-...>>> on Forum topic - Emptiness
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by: Swedish coast -
That sure is comforting! I do believe friends are incredibly important in this. Like you, I’ve tied closer bonds with several good friends since divorce. I’m so glad to hear you’re making plans for the immediate future to enjoy yourself with friends!>>> on Forum topic - Emptiness
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by: c ur self -
I think friends can be a big part of moving on...I've got a few very close friends, and I've been doing some things with them from time to time...I've also started meeting with several former classmates, (reconnected on FB) that are christian's also...We've been doing a bible study once a week...A small group of us have plans to go to West Virginia in Feb, to ride our side by sides...They have several major trail system's in the mountains and cater to the side by side community. You can even ride on...>>> on Forum topic - Emptiness
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by: J -
I just remembered how I know this. My ex-wife ( I believe ) used sex in this way. She knew how much sex meant to me, and used it to "get things" from me. It was a tool to gain control....like a reward for "good behavior" but only intermittently. It was just enough ( barely ) to keep me on the hook, believing you'd get more if you did more. And it worked ! But left me feeling empty and unhappy most of the time. This doesn't feel at all what's happening with my SO and I . At...>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: J -
At the same time, her "hot and cold cycle" appears more to be directly connected to me and stress. I definitely notice her irritation levels fluctuate more due to work for example. She works at home part time, and in the office the rest of the time. On office days, her mood and irritations levels change. Stress is definitely a big influence. When stress levels rise....the "needy" comment comes out. Even the other day when called to help with the grand babies on short notice this...>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: J -
"If you're not with us, you're against us" Hi Exhausted Echidna, I'm going through many of the things you've mentioned about anger and contempt. I think, at the heart of the matter is unresolved trauma as you mentioned. I believe, from my own experience, it will put a chip on your shoulder unless it's addressed. I can say for myself, that's a big part of it. It creates an "us and them" mentality that creates walls between people. I was going to tell a recent story that I was...>>> on Forum topic - My anger is the problem, apparently
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by: Swedish coast -
I think intermittent reinforcement would be a correct translation from my language. Have you heard of it? It’s the occasional ‘hot’ in a hot and cold situation. By learning we sometimes, but not always, get the reward of ‘hot’, the human brain is said to linger even in Arctic surroundings hoping for hot. Intermittent reinforcement ensnares the mind. It’s the same psychological mechanism that will keep us on slot machines. Hoping for the sweet rattle of coins. I think intermittent reinforcement may...>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: Exhausted Echidna -
Hello, exhaustedkitten. I'm new here. This is my first comment. Your story sounds very familiar, sadly. (I'm shocked by the number of people with such similar usernames, i.e. expressing exhaustion, frustration, having reached their limit, etc. I appreciate all the other comments. I certainly can't answer your question -- for all kinds of reasons, the least of which is I find myself contemplating the same thing. But... what I can offer is that we humans have this alarmingly common and...>>> on Forum topic - At a crossroads on whether to give up or stay in
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by: J -
I appreciate your ability to see through things and get to the heart of the matter. It helps me draw conclusions which are difficult for me at times. That's a gift! Here's a text she sent me yesterday to put things into perspective: "I sure love you Kelly! ❤️ Don't forget it, don't question it, and don't over think it! We're on track, so don't sweat the small stuff!" Yet, only the day before it was: " I don't think we're a good match, I can't live with this Chaos and...>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: Swedish coast -
I spent a year and a half during and after divorce writhering in pain for what my ADD partner did and didn’t do. Now as this is clearing away, I’m starting to anticipate my own failures. The ADD relationship mistakes would be enough. But this now extends to all troubled parts of my past… It’s turning 50 year in my circles which means reuniting with dozens of people, now friends of friends, that Ive functionally lost. They have been important. Most of them have been lost due to ADD shrinkage of...>>> on Forum topic - Emptiness
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by: Swedish coast -
You deserve kindness and an honest heart in your partner. If she’s very conflicted in her feelings, giving you hot and cold treatment, that’s not a sign of enduring love. The future with her should feel safe. You should be able to trust her. There shouldn’t be manipulation or abuse.>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: J -
This is something I haven't said before now. In context to everything I've heard, heard mentioned, odd statements from her daughter in law, her daughter in law herself, a certain "feeling" , everyone knows something but aren't openly saying it. This includes a somewhat incomplete explanation from my SO about the therapy she received, moments of recognizing she does things like gaslighting and immediately acknowledges when she does. Actually apologizing when I pointed out that it's abuse...>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: J -
The issue for me is not necessarily the cheating. It's whether that person has learned from it, and has remorse that they made a mistake. Are they series cheaters, who have a life long pattern of cheating? Opportunists, when no one is looking? Or did they do it, at a specific time or place for a specific reason....with no pattern of cheating? I myself, have cheated in a different context, in the past. I wasn't married ( so I told myself or rationalized it was okay ) ...if your not...>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: J -
I awoke this morning immediately thinking about something she said the other night when we were discussing our future together. She was pretty adamant about me not wanting to have these "talks" about anything to do with my therapy and what I've learned....or my feelings. Several times, she's stopped me when anything had to do with her. As I pointed out, I can't talk about issues I'm having , without referring to you at times? I do have to be very careful, not to insinuate or imply blame on her part...>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: Swedish coast -
I wouldn’t live with someone who’s cheated in the past. Lying would also be unacceptable to me. Abuse I’ve found is not always clear cut (raising voice when emotions run high, does that count?). But still. If you feel she abuses you, that is not acceptable. The core of a relationship to me is trust. You’ve written you’re uncertain of whether you trust her. I wouldn’t recommend you accept the cheating, the lying or the conflict management. It all sounds wrong to me. I’d say: get out.>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: J -
What it amounts to is a roommate but still on her terms. If abide by the house rules, everything is fine. You could look at that part as getting a great place to live that is spotlessly clean, in a nice neighborhood and beautiful area to live in. The rent is reasonable, the job duties are fair, there's really nothing on the logistics end that you can complain about? With nice cats even! So from a roommate standpoint, there's even a warm body to sleep next to. Sometimes a little affection (...>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m sorry J. I didn’t realize she was so disinterested in your connection and intimacy. It sounds like your relationship is not very rewarding for either of you. I’m afraid you will get hurt, trying so hard to adapt to her wishes but not getting much from it. When my ADD ex and I were living through the last painful months, there was so little left of what we used to share, we couldn’t even sync for a cup of coffee. We were both exhausted from trying hard for so long without rewards....>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: Swedish coast -
About the new freedom you mentioned. I think considering ADD in all pursuits during the marriage (this he can’t do, this will be too much, maybe if I do it myself the kids can still have this etcetera) has made me hesitant and anxious. I can’t embrace infinite opportunity yet. I expect disaster. I feel limits to my own capacity. My knees shake at the notion of freedom. I used to be confident and adventure-loving before marriage. All I want at this point is security. Right after divorce,...>>> on Forum topic - Emptiness
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by: J -
Something you said caught my eye Eliej, so bear with me because I have a few things to say. I'm obviously not the "they" you're referring to but I also have ADHD. I'm not, because I've been to therapy and stayed with it for 15 years. I'm now, continuing my education because learning is a lifelong process. It never ends...and there's never such a thing as too much learning in that respect. So, how am I, not the "they", but have ADHD both at the same time? What's the difference? The difference is...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
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by: sickandtired -
Your comment about being just another unfinished project hit me hard, because it is SO TRUE. A major symptom of adhd is hyperfocus, which is the fascination with something new, but then over time that new thing isn’t so new any more, and the person loses interest, and moves on to the next fascinating new object. We are just objects to them. And when a new object comes along, their focus shifts toward it. You will never get that hyperfocus back that once made you fall in love with him, that made you...>>> on Forum topic - House renovation to infinity
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