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by: J -
This is something I've recently said to my ADHD SO. If it's at the top of your lungs kind of yelling that the neighbors can hear....or even less but it's loud yelling....that's abusive. I'd walk away from that. Abuse isn't allowed, but where do you draw the line? Is raised voices allowed but not yelling? How can you tell? Is raised civil discourse allowed? How about agitation? I'm saying this because that's the description that is moat used for me. Agitation. It's not full blown anger, it's not...>>> on Forum topic - How to handle adhd partner when I'm confrontation adverse?
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by: MelWifeOfADHD -
Those without adhd don't immediately start shouting or being aggressive. It can be difficult to hear anything past that because generally, we read all forms of language, the words, the tone, body language, the pitch, etc. I presume this is innate and done to protect us from dangers, eg, does this pitch and tone seem aggressive am I going to get hurt? In turn, the response is a typical one for that situation, fear based, anxious, defensive. My adhd partner usually receives the same...>>> on Forum topic - How to handle adhd partner when I'm confrontation adverse?
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by: J -
Is to try and separate ( differentiate ) the overreacting from the things that triggered it ie: the actual thing that he's angry about. Just last night, I was really upset at something from work and my SO wasn't hearing me. All she could hear was how I angry I was, and the facts on the surface. I started to repeat myself ( perseveration ) and now she became focused on that. She responded with general comments like : people are like that....or....everyone has to go through this at work blah, blah...>>> on Forum topic - How to handle adhd partner when I'm confrontation adverse?
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by: wrong-thunder -
Managing emotions like anger and frustration can indeed be challenging for individuals with ADHD. The condition affects impulse control, emotional regulation, and frustration tolerance, making it easier to become overwhelmed by strong emotions. Here are some strategies that may help: 1. **Mindfulness**: Practicing mindfulness can help individuals become more aware of their emotions and responses in the moment. 2. **Cognitive Behavioral Techniques**: These techniques can help reframe negative...>>> on Forum topic - Managing Emotions in ADHD: Anger and Frustration
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by: dmpro -
It sounds like he's using financial control as a way to manipulate the situation while avoiding accountability for his behavior. By refusing to file jointly and suddenly withdrawing financial management—something he previously handled—he’s not just setting boundaries; he’s punishing you for standing firm on your needs. This shift isn’t about fairness or teamwork; it’s about maintaining power and forcing you into a vulnerable position. You’ve made it clear that real change needs to happen before...>>> on Forum topic - My husband's behavior is caused by my ADHD?
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by: Gadi Harshini -
You're right—this isn't normal, and you're not broken. What you're describing sounds like emotional manipulation, not a healthy partnership. Your husband has fixated on your ADHD as the sole cause of all relationship issues, which allows him to avoid accountability for his own behavior. That's not fair, nor is it a healthy dynamic. You’ve done everything a responsible partner could—medication, therapy, relationship coaching, reading, listening, and making real efforts to improve. But instead of...>>> on Forum topic - My husband's behavior is caused by my ADHD?
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by: Swedish coast -
J, thanks for your kindness. I feel like you do, quitting is sometimes necessary, but it’s not what I want. Losing a person is losing an entire world, too.>>> on Forum topic - The seven years of bliss
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by: J -
I just re-established something I've always known. I can take this all the way back to when I was 7 years old and nothing has changed in over 60 years. Your body will adjust to what ever stress you give it. Simple fact. With excersise, this is a positive thing. When I pulled myself out my last deep depression, I was in an unhealthy physical state. I went back to what I know best...swimming. The first day back, I could only swim 20 minutes. I was sucking air so hard I was experiencing syncope,...>>> on Forum topic - Ongoing mild depression
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by: 1Melody1 -
Accountability builds trust. He is deflecting here. He wants you to place blind trust in him that he hasn't earned and has broken in the past. That's on him, not you. He needs to rebuild trust one small action at a time over a long period of time for you trust that it's real. Big or small, if he says he'll do something, he needs to do it. He needs to be transparent regarding his business. And HE needs to be responsible for how he accomplishes those things with ADHD. Don't accept responsibility for his...>>> on Forum topic - How should ADD spouse build trust
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by: J -
I've heard this philosophy before, and it actually makes sense. The idea, that when a relationship has fulfilled the needs of both people but no longer serves that purpose. This goes directly against the traditional notion of marriage, and in my mind, has nothing to do with sex or the need for a variety of intimate partners. It just means, it was meant to be for a time and that time is over. The relationship has ran its course and has come to it natural conclusion ie: it was never meant to go any...>>> on Forum topic - The seven years of bliss
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by: J -
Honestly, I recently noted a shift in my behavior too. More like something just snapped from one thing that was said. I already avoid conversations to keep the peace and avoid conflict, but my SO was the one who brought up sex the other day ( which is a subject that is not talked with intention on my part ). The subject was actually about intimacy, and in her mind ( as it appears ) she's adaquately satisfied with the physical intimacy level we have right now. No real outward signs that...>>> on Forum topic - I didn't sign up for this
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by: Swedish coast -
Sorry about this. I think in some of these situations, non partners need to not overwork themselves spoon-feeding ADD partners relationship remedies only to be yelled at. I know first hand how ADD can ruin trust over time. There was literally nothing I could do about it except exhaust myself and be treated poorly as a consequence.>>> on Forum topic - How should ADD spouse build trust
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by: barkmeow -
Looking back, there were always issues and for too long I did actually think everything was my fault. I’ve been grateful for lots of therapy and supportive friends and family. Thank you for your comment.>>> on Forum topic - My husband's behavior is caused by my ADHD?
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by: barkmeow -
I think he’s both controlling and not wanting to be the bad guy. Ive been clear I won’t work on our relationship until I can be sure he is doing something about his behavior, but that has only made his behavior get worse. Latest thing has been him trying to financially ruin me by refusing to file our taxes jointly (which he told me two weeks before the end of the year) because I’m not being a loving team member. I have my own business and have never set money aside for taxes, per his guidance. He is a...>>> on Forum topic - My husband's behavior is caused by my ADHD?
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m a bit relieved not to be alone in this. That’s it precisely: two hours late, or early, unannounced, or not at all…>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: Swedish coast -
I think of triggers. Your partner’s behavior seems to follow some disappointment he feels about your innocent daily behavior. It’s like he’s triggered all the time by something and it’s made him deeply resentful, while you can’t avoid the vicious behavioral cycles that follow. Whether this is common ADHD marriage dynamics, or something else entirely, might not even be important. His aggressive actions aren’t helpful. All he will achieve is withdrawal, loss of intimacy and loss of trust....>>> on Forum topic - My husband's behavior is caused by my ADHD?
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by: honestly -
He did WHAT? A powerpoint presentation on how it’s all your fault? Maybe your relationship problems are entirely the result of ADHD - it is a difficult thing to negotiate- but this behaviour sounds pretty neurodivergent too. Very black and white thinking; not very emotionally aware. Either way, what matters is he’s either committed to trying to make things work, or he isn’t. The presentation suggests he isn’t. His motivation and reasoning are opaque. He could be at the end of his tether...>>> on Forum topic - My husband's behavior is caused by my ADHD?
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by: honestly -
everything on their terms, whenever it suited them, with no thought to other people’s schedules, needs or preferences. Others’ plans being overridden and deprioritised even when they are clearly important (eg grandkids’ college assignments vs their preferred lunch plans). Turning up two hours early, or late, or unannounced or not at all. It was, with them, i realise, the raging ADHD that at least two of their sons inherited. Son also like this and complict in parents’ behaviour. My only...>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: honestly -
i am in an avoidant phase now; totally beyond reconciliation but unable to move forward. Any breakup is hard, and when you’re dealing with ADHD and the undermining and explosions that go along with that, there’s a self-protective hunch you go into; I’m like an armadillo at the moment, just curled into myself with my shell and my back towards him. I’m a teacher, professionally, and am trying to apply Growth Mindset approaches to my own position. I have come a long way already; if right now I am tucked...>>> on Forum topic - I didn't sign up for this
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by: Swedish coast -
Yes, it does feel like my body has been through overfunctioning depression hell for years in the marriage and now is asking me to let go of things once I’m safe. The body gives clear messages all the time. Overreaching - headache next day. Exercise beyond walking - dizziness, fatigue, nausea. Worries - muscle pain waking up in the morning. Work overload - sleep disturbances, migraine Saturday morning, sadness. On the other hand - being of use to other people but not overreaching, connection,...>>> on Forum topic - Ongoing mild depression
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