-
by: c ur self -
Pursuing a spouse who only chooses themselves will destroy you mentally, emotionally and will take it's toll on your health...ADD/ADHD gets a very bad rap when it comes to adult men and women who live self centered...They aren't blind to their choices...Wishing you all the best... c>>> on Forum topic - It doesn’t seem she even likes me.
-
by: c ur self -
Boundaries in a marriage signify the absence of something when it comes to the reality of each others lived out lives...When we as individuals use our own thinking to determine what must go on between us, (two different sets of demands) there will always be a need for boundaries because (even if love is present between us) it's very unlikely that agreement will occur...It's just the human factor... c>>> on Forum topic - ADD inability of communicating boundaries
-
by: adhd32 -
You are their pawn because conflict gives them a rush. It doesn't matter if it's a spouse, a cashier, a waiter, a police officer. Often times a spouse is ignored until ADDer comes looking for conflict and a rush. Stop giving her the fight she is looking for. Beyond that there isn't much hope that things will change unless she is willingly engaged in improving the relationship. The gaslighting makes the non spouse feel unwanted and undesirable, as you know. One minute you are the best and an hour...>>> on Forum topic - It doesn’t seem she even likes me.
-
by: adhd32 -
You know you already know the answer. Don't drown trying to save someone unwilling to save themselves.>>> on Forum topic - Is this the end of a marriage?
-
by: NInn -
Your husband likely has schizo-effective depressive disorder. Disclaimer-I'm not a therapist or a shrink. I've lived with a man exactly like your husband. He broke my son's neck in a drunken rage. He destroyed numerous homes. He assaulted me. He molested his niece. He drank up every dime he ever made, trying to self medicate. His impulse control is non existent. The only reason he's safe for me to be around now is that he got sober and it caused multiple mini strokes, which caused dementia. ...>>> on Forum topic - Emptied our checking account AGAIN!
-
by: Off the roller ... -
Hey I hear you and feel your pain. I'm in it too. It sounds so hard, isn't it? And exhasting. And sad, if I'm really being honest. It feels so so so sad. They just can't see the pain and havoc their actions have caused and its at our expense. We haven't been to couselling but im on the cusp of saying "I'm done" and just letting the chips fall as they may. I believe I will feel free and like I jumped off a cliff but I know I won't die...but to actually take that leap is so so so hard. I appreciate u...>>> on Forum topic - It doesn’t seem she even likes me.
-
by: honestly -
who would, when I was struggling with his behaviour, say ‘well there’s all sorts of things I could say about you, but I choose not to; I’m better than that.’ and I’d be ‘like what? what do I do?’ and he’d shake his head and be all superior and refuse to say, OR he’d dredge up something from 25 years ago, which had not actually been something I’d done, but had been someone else that I’d mentioned to him. He’s got nothing but his own need to feel blameless.>>> on Forum topic - ADD inability of communicating boundaries
-
by: Swedish coast -
Yes, I recognize this behavior from somebody close to me. It comes across as possibly jealous and definitely as a lack of generosity. But like you, I think it’s just the way Art’s wired. How happy we’d all be if we could not be hurt by this kind of thing. Good for you being able to keep it from stirring up emotions.>>> on Forum topic - The Little Lights aren't Twinkling Clark
-
by: So.Lu67 -
Great job thanks all for sharing this as very important for other couples>>> on Forum topic - Feel like my husband is financially ruining me.
-
by: J -
Everyone else says the usual things that people say in these situations, except for Art. I think Art, just has a really difficult time saying anything nice, as it may actually bring him closer to Clark. Clark opens the door, first calling him Art...but then, calling him dad. The door is wide open, but Art just can't walk through it. Instead, he critiques Clark's work, and points out what's wrong instead of what's right. But I also don't think that's why Art can't say something nice. I think he'...>>> on Forum topic - The Little Lights aren't Twinkling Clark
-
by: Off the roller ... -
I knew exactly what line u were referring to I the title and I loved where u too it. So much food for thought I've had to re read it about 100+ times>>> on Forum topic - The Little Lights aren't Twinkling Clark
-
by: c ur self -
I think we all have probably been there, I know I have.... Until the THINKING for each other, talking AT each other, demanding our independence, instead of realizing our roles and interdependence between us must always be present, no matter the circumstances of life, we can't get out of the cycle...Only total respect and full acceptance of each other can calm us...(Humility)...What ever decision's are made past that point can be made thoughtfully and calmly...>>> on Forum topic - Is this the end of a marriage?
-
by: Off the roller ... -
It's definitely not you. At least not all of it. I have felt and do feel like you a lot so I understand everything you wrote. I'd like to say it's thr ADHD and to be honest, it sounds like it is. However, if the adhd partner doesn't realise that their unmanaged symptoms AND you don't realise your reaction to those symptoms all plays a party, you get stuck in that hopeless cycle that swirls around and feels endless. I've been there - and still in it but there are times I've managed to bring myself to...>>> on Blog post - ADHD and Marriage - Giving Up Control
-
by: Swedish coast -
This pursuing and being verbal I share with you. And an avoidant ADHD partner who didn’t want to talk about ADHD or address ADHD-specific problems. Even though he’s a specialist in the field and has now, a couple of years after our marriage’s spectacular failure, said he was well aware of the ADHD effect on marriage. All along. But he never mentioned it. Just denied it or avoided it. I agree with Melissa who says ADHD doesn’t end marriages, denial does. The cycles of conflict you...>>> on Forum topic - Is this the end of a marriage?
-
by: MP -
I relate to you in so many ways. My husband is very similar and we have 2 toddlers & we work full time. I went to therapy for a while and my therapist said it sounds like he is bipolar. He ended up having an episode at work & finally is talking to a psychiatrist. Most of his life he was treated for ADHD but now is medicated for bipolar too. I never understood the changes of opinions, his hyper focus on projects at times, late night binges, & crazy sleep patterns. Now I’m informed and...>>> on Forum topic - Anyone experienced these with ADHD spouse? Just so tired.
-
by: Swedish coast -
I’ve been in a similar place. The infuriating thing is when treated like you describe, it’s so hard to offer one’s partner an olive branch, or the generosity that could tilt things toward the better. I’ve followed your disappointment a little, you’ve been writing occasionally for some time now. So sorry you are still there. If anything, perhaps I’d suggest momentarily trying to ignore how bad things are? Picking a loving attitude despite not really feeling it? Doing a thoughtful...>>> on Forum topic - How do you deal with the constant disappointment?
-
by: confused.wife -
I have been with my husband 30yrs. He has always been hyper. He sleeps very well & always Wakes up 100mph. I’m not as lively as him in the mornings. Iv always accepted that was just him. He is now 53, since adhd had become more discussed openly Iv often considered that if he was a child in this day he wld have definitely been diagnosed adhd. I have mentioned this to him which he refuses to accept. He’s the type of man who doesn’t understand low mood or anxiety. It’s always just get on with it....>>> on Blog post - ADHD and Marriage - Giving Up Control
-
by: Off the roller ... -
I hear ya. In my experience so far, its been a tough pill for me to swallow about radical acceptance. I don't want to be disappointed by my adhd spouse, but then they really let me down. How? Because I had an expectation that they couldnt meet. Or didn't want to. Or physically/mentally weren't able but neither side could communicate what needed to be communicated. But that's where I'm at now, it's really hard to wrap my brain around that if I'm this disappointed day in and day out, and this is...>>> on Forum topic - How do you deal with the constant disappointment?
-
by: Gunnut -
When my ADHD wife started taking meds, she said that she didn’t notice any benefit except that I stopped yelling at her. She saw no part in her starting and escalating fights. Saw nothing of on her over the top extreme reactions to preceived rejection sensitivity. She was always the hapless, surprised “victim” of her unreasonable insensitive husband. It took her hearing “No ma’am. You are the emotional abuser.”, from a marriage councilor, For it to even sort of sink in.>>> on Forum topic - Am I Somehow Deserving of the Abuse?
-
by: PerezosoPrimero -
First, you’re in good company. Exact same behaviors and my emotional response varies from anger to grief to dismay and despair, loneliness, confusion of course disappointment and then hope again. In my wife’s case, I encounter the perfectionism/hyper-focus death loop, and a set of profoundly immature coping mechanisms courtesy a dysfunctional family and upbringing. It is tough. Second, I am very fortunate that my wife is an awesome human struggling against this disorder with very clear insight. ...>>> on Forum topic - How do you deal with the constant disappointment?
Learn to thrive in your relationship
Upcoming seminars & support groups
Turn your knowledge into actionable steps to improve your relationship. join our Intent-to-Action Membership Program.
The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.
Register for free marriage tips here!
"Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."
Free Treatment E-Book
