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by: Swedish coast -
I think the mediator is the best chance to reach an arrangement that can protect you even if the relationship breaks down. For us, it’s been necessary to only meet with a couples counselor present. Legally or emotionally, it’s too hard to confront a fact avoidant person on one’s own. Keeping all fingers crossed for you today.>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: Swedish coast -
Neuchatel, this is both so familiar and equally incomprehensible. Blindness to how their own actions influence things, and also blindness to what they would need to do to improve things have been the hallmark of my ex too. Even objective facts aren’t solid in the quagmire of living with some ADHD minds. Neither are goals, or joint decisions. Everything is fleeting, unstable. Even the things they’ve confirmed a hundred times turn out to be untrue. Somebody on the forum put...>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Swedish Coast - Your post was spot on with what I am experiencing with my husband. When we previously had made agreements on joint issues, he would insist he was “bullied” into the agreement or never made such an agreement (even when it was in writing)! It is now to the point that I no longer even try to get him to agree since I have no idea what his interpretation of the situation will be in future (he frequently tells me he does not recall we even spoke). Mediation is tomorrow (Monday) and I...>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: Neuchatel81 -
I tried to talk with husband yesterday before Family Mediation scheduled for Monday. When I stated his chronic inaction on important issues (adequate sleep, time off from work, etc.) are corrosive to our relationship, his only response was to criticize my behavior. I realize deflection is his go to response, but find it interesting how he can be so blind to how his unresponsiveness affects me and our relationship. I have told him multiple times since February 2026 (when we started therapy yet...>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: 1Melody1 -
I can really relate to this. As our daughter got older, her relationship with her ADHD dad worsened more and more. He just wasn't able to be the parent she needed him to be and the older she got, the more she could see it. When we separated, he visited on weekends. It was hit and miss whether visits were positive or did more harm. Like your son, she felt like he didn't care very much about her and most visits were unfulfilling and even hurtful. (I'm guessing based on your post that my daughter is...>>> on Forum topic - the kids
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by: Swedish coast -
Honestly, I truly can’t envision a best option here. So sorry your son doesn’t fare well with his father, and that being fatherless might be a vulnerability too. Can there perhaps be a change of scenery instead of a complete distance? If their father visiting on weekends doesn’t agree with your young ones, perhaps he could take them someplace instead? Especially if he has money and could pay for trips, hotels, entertainment? I’ve found sometimes dynamic can shift for the better...>>> on Forum topic - the kids
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by: Neuchatel81 -
I do comprehend what you are saying about caring and not doing the same for ourselves. Fortunately, I am the type of person who is so organized and detailed that once all is set up, it really is not too much to handle. Over the course of the past 9 years, husband and I have been intimately involved in care and oversight of our 4 elderly parents (Mom at 96 is only one remaining). Of course, this has taken a toll on both of us. I have owned dogs since I was very young, so I will gladly care for my...>>> on Forum topic - Business endeavor
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by: Neuchatel81 -
What you stated about husband not understanding what his ADHD has done to you and your relationship really resonated with me - I feel the same way in my marriage. It is almost as if we are living two distinct lives with no interconnection. I presume it is just the way his brain works and sees the world, but it is very distressing to think of being with someone for so long only to determine they really did not get you at all! Thinking of you.>>> on Forum topic - Ex husband with ADHD doesn’t understand what he’s done to me
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by: Swedish coast -
I too had problems deciding to quit my former caring responsibilities. It seemed irresponsible, even dangerous. Once I let go, it suddenly wasn’t. It was self-preservation. Once on my own, I experienced the accumulated exhaustion of years of overachieving for the benefit of others. Then, it became clear just how damaged my health was. Later, my trauma psychologist said to go forward in life avoiding these arrangements, where everyone relies on my care, like the plague. Date, she said, but...>>> on Forum topic - Business endeavor
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Swedish Coast - I truly appreciate your comments and kindness. I realize I am the type of person that tends to second guess certain decisions and this is definitely the same situation. While I have not always brought my best self to the relationship, since February I have been making a significant effort to do so. The last couples session with our therapist was horrible as husband did nothing more than complain about all I do (critical every minute of every day), and made no effort to discuss his...>>> on Forum topic - Business endeavor
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by: Swedish coast -
Neuchatel, every piece of information you’ve given tells me you have done absolutely everything in this marriage, including holding it together. It’s an overworked partners belief they’ve let something slip, haven’t done enough. I recognize the feeling wholeheartedly, but the feeling has nothing to do with reality. ADHD passivity is pathological. Your husband is perhaps not aware of it, but he’s using you in the most immoral way. There’s no excuse for burning out a person who has provided love...>>> on Forum topic - Business endeavor
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Family Mediation still scheduled for September 14. Tried to speak to husband today but as usual he is not ready to discuss anything, and claims that since we usually end up in an argument (his opinion), it is better to just do mediation. I resent all discussions being labeled as an argument just because I do not agree with his views. I have made my best effort over the past month to not check in with him on anything nor ask him to complete anything complicated or time sensitive. He continues to...>>> on Forum topic - Business endeavor
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by: paulabeeee -
That sounds like some good advice. It’s not always so much better going solo.>>> on Forum topic - I think I waited too long.
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by: J -
I'm coming to the end of my stay here at the hot springs and I'm feeling a mixture of emotions: peace, happiness, joy, a sense of accomplishment and saddness that it's time to leave. It's that same sad feeling when summer ends and you had to return to school as a kid but you also feel excited about the unknown school year and what it will bring. I also wanted to tie this in with family ( one sister in particular ) going all the way back to the:" don't you want to be around people? Don't you want...>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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by: J -
I'm writing this with a heavy heart, but this has been a very long time coming. As I was just sitting in the hot springs at 2am with the full moon illuninating the darkness to the point of almost day light, I was saddened by everything I can now see in my own family of origin, and it made me feel ashamed. Not of myself but of them. Before I continue, I must remind those here that I firmly believe I'm not the only one in my family with ADHD( autism ) and perhaps, other nental healrh issues that...>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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by: J -
Sonething happened today, that seems like it was meant to be. The cowboys returned to collect the stray cattle missed on their first sweep. With them, were five Border Collie herding dogs who made quck work of these stubborn cows. A group of us ( the 3 generations of Antelope hunters ) and myself were at the hot springs when they came over to chat. One of the Border Collies came up to me to say hello and I gave her a little affection. The head cowboy said, he had two of her pups ( the one I was...>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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by: J -
So this morning ...another State Trooper / Game Warden drove into camp. He caught me with a bucket of gravel in my hand, pouring more into my dam. This guy had been herr before and was surprised to find me still here. I told him about my tire situation and why I was still around. He responded saying " oh I know...I just put $1,800 of new tires on my truck ( pointing to his vehicle ). He said:" you've been here over a month now haven't you?" I said "two". But explained that when I get paid on the...>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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by: J -
Yesterday, I drove to the nearest gas station/country store/cafe to get drinking water and a few supplies ( and one there famous milkshakes and chili burger smothered with cheese and chopped onions ( chili size )..their known for their cheeseburgers ). While I was waiting for my food, the cop who I spoke to walked in. He's also the game warden so he's in the area checking hunters for proper tags. We had a nice chat and I mentioned my dam building project. He told me he was already planning to come out...>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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by: J -
"Ferrara and Vergara's original theory says the burden occurs when women's emotional support is not equally reciprocated within the relationship. Their examples center on emotional support and social-network maintenance—not the total exchange of everything two people contribute to a partnership." "The authors specifically require an asymmetry." Of course, I had to look it up ( at the source ) not from a periodical written to sell viewership. Right of the bat, I believe dustortions ( and...>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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by: Swedish coast -
Good point Honestly. The failure to maintain social connections is the logical outcome of a marriage where one partner has extremely low executive function. And perhaps also spends all free time in hiding. But then some of us nons are highly social and used to social abundance, even afraid to be alone. So before we surrender and let go of our entire support network and sources of joy, we try desperately to compensate for our passive partner. This has been a nightmare for me. Feeling...>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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