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by: Swedish coast -
I think a lot of us aren’t comfortable in any full-time relationship. Relating incessantly, coordinating, negotiating, emotionally reaching out, soothing, solving, repairing, is exhausting. Just spoke to a divorced friend yesterday. We agreed the primary reason for us to have been in a romantic relationship was to have children. Now we have them, it’s less clear if a relationship with a man would benefit us on the whole. I’m still hopeful to find a romantic partner...>>> on Forum topic - Scrutiny
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by: Swedish coast -
Sorry you’re dealing with this. I think an inattentive ADHD mind is as convinced it is normal as is a neurotypical one. And yes, it seems awareness of ADHD impact on the family is most often very low in the ADHD partner. Convincing the unwilling ADHD partner they need to change is a fight a neurotypical partner typically can’t win. Neither is it easy to get empathy or understanding for the negative effects of ADHD for yourself. All you can do is ask for understanding, for your...>>> on Forum topic - Not sure what to do.
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by: J -
when my X was standing there in front of me...downloading everything that was wrong with me saying "you bring out the worst in me ! " ( like hitting me for example ) ... I laughed and basically said "uh...not so much. You're "worst", was already there....I'm not responsible for "bringing it out" of you! I may be the catalyst ( with little doubt ) but I didn't create it ....I'm not that talented!!>>> on Forum topic - Scrutiny
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by: J -
Of course I had to look up where this gatekeeping comes from and to no surprise ....it's shadow behavior ( Jungian ). I can take each person I mentioned and go....yep. That's it. Including my X. Using the Star Wars scene ...where Luke Skywaljwr had to go into the cave to face the dark side of the force..... then, in the moment when he see's Darth Vader ( his father ) and quickly dispatches him by cutting off his head.... ..only to see the head inside the helmet is him. I think...>>> on Forum topic - Scrutiny
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by: J -
What you just said is exactly right! How it makes "YOU" feel, is exactly how "I" feel too, being on the receiving end of that same behavior. That's the effect, of being in a conversation with another person who interrupts: consistently, chronically, constantly, all the time.... .... and DOES NOT modify, or change their behavior to a "level" or "degree" where it no longer has "that effect ". "Especially..... if it becomes the dominant mode of communication." RIGHT ! "...>>> on Forum topic - Impulsive
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by: honestly -
But it has effects. Especially if it becomes the dominant mode of communication. It scrambles the focus of the person on the receiving end, leaving them with broken thoughts and unexpressed ideas, always reaching, frustrated, for that thing that had been on the tip of their tongue. It made me, at least, feel eroded, diminished, and unheard. So whilst it's not wrong, it has effects.>>> on Forum topic - Impulsive
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by: 1Melody1 -
In my experience, we were coming at this from two different perspectives - I could see the issues ADHD was causing and he could not. Life was great for him because he did whatever he wanted and I was just a nag. There was no urgency to get therapy for him because 1. in his mind, ADHD wasn't an issue - he truly could not see why I was at the end of my rope or the chaos he caused daily and 2. therapy meant work and change, neither of which he wanted anything to do with. In regards to...>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: Momila56 -
I am so glad to have found a site where I can come to vent and then get some advice. Here's our (not uncommon) situation. DH has ADD and doesn't think he does--3/5 of our adult kids have it and all 3 medicate for it and work through it. He thinks they're 'crazy' and I am also 'crazy' b/c his behaviors drive me nuts. we're a couple months away from 'celebrating' our 50th anniversary--and I am not feeling the 'joy' that I thought I would at this big benchmark. People ask "How do you make it to 50...>>> on Forum topic - It's me: complaining again (ADD spouse's purchases)
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by: J -
Sorry to keep coming back here but I'm remembering things from my past, in light of my coach and swimming comments. I think this a good example of perspective, which involved me entering a Masters swim meet after I had already graduated college and had started working. I heard through the grapevine, that the Internation Masters Championship meet was being held in my town that year. It's pretty big deal...and it was only miles away from me. I can't remember the exact age requirement (...>>> on Forum topic - Impulsive
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by: J -
Not sure why all my unedited drafts appeared on my last post but it kind of flows into what I came back here to say as I was remembering my swim coach and his "not very well" comment. To illustrate the net effect that had on me, by taking his approach on pointing out, that my butterfly stroke needed some work. This is not something I've ever mentioned but the results I think, speak for themselves. Butterfly is a very difficult stroke to learn in fact, it's the MOST difficult for most...>>> on Forum topic - Impulsive
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by: J -
to interrupt. This applies to what the OP is saying, as well as what I said about making a mistake ( not catching every impulse ). I guess I'm lucky enough to have had a mother who was a stickler for manners and politeness ( etiquette ). As she use to always say: "manners aren't for you, they're for the other person". When pointed out, my inclination wasn't to argue against rudeness by saying "that's just how people talk"....but instead go "oops", "sorry", "my bad", "excuse me" or any other...>>> on Forum topic - Impulsive
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by: J -
to interrupt. This applies to what the OP is saying, as well as what I said about making a mistake ( not catching every impulse ). I guess I'm lucky enough to have had a mother who was a stickler for manners and politeness ( etiquette ). As she use to always say: "manners aren't for you, they're for the other person". And being held to that meant, she'd point it out all the time. It was a learned thing, over time. That didn't really stop me ( the impulses ) but it did reinforce that "...>>> on Forum topic - Impulsive
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by: J -
to interrupt. This applies to what the OP is saying, as well as what I said about making a mistake ( not catching every impulse ). I guess I'm lucky enough to have had a mother who was a stickler for manners and politeness ( etiquette ). As she use to always say: "manners aren't for you, they're for the other person". And being held to that meant, she'd point it out all the time. It was a learned thing, over time. That didn't really stop me ( the impulses ) but it did reinforce that "...>>> on Forum topic - Impulsive
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by: J -
to interrupt. This applies to what the OP is saying, as well as what I said about making a mistake ( not catching every impulse ). I guess I'm lucky enough to have had a mother who was a stickler for manners and politeness ( etiquette ). As she use to always say: "manners aren't for you, they're for the other person". And being held to that meant, she'd point it out all the time. It was a learned thing, over time. That didn't really stop me ( the impulses ) but it did reinforce that "...>>> on Forum topic - Impulsive
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by: J -
to interrupt. This applies to what the OP is saying, as well as what I said about making a mistake ( not catching every impulse ). I guess I'm lucky enough to have had a mother who was a stickler for manners and politeness ( etiquette ). As she use to always say: "manners aren't for you, they're for the other person". And being held to that meant, she'd point it out all the time. It was a learned thing, over time. That didn't really stop me ( the impulses ) but it did reinforce that "...>>> on Forum topic - Impulsive
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by: J -
to interrupt. This applies to what the OP is saying, as well as what I said about making a mistake ( not catching every impulse ). I guess I'm lucky enough to have had a mother who was a stickler for manners and politeness ( etiquette ). As she use to always say: "manners aren't for you, they're for the other person". And being held to that meant, she'd point it out all the time. It was a learned thing, over time. That didn't really stop me ( the impulses ) but it did reinforce that "...>>> on Forum topic - Impulsive
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by: honestly -
I was on the receiving end of this from my ex, over years. I'd ask him not to interrupt so much, and he'd make out I was wrong ('that's just how people talk'). He was, however, super sensitive to being interrupted himself, even if I was doing so to agree with him. I think the crucial thing is to understand how it makes the other person feel. I knew how he felt about being interrupted, so would listen to ten minute long lectures and diatribes, without even saying 'Oh yes I know' in case that...>>> on Forum topic - Impulsive
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by: Swedish coast -
This too. Like the concept of Saturday (recreation, prioritizing family) which most of us feel has major importance, isn’t present in the ADHD mind, or can easily be overrun by some random work distraction. Nor is there perhaps ability to prioritize. My ex had no concept of weekends either. He could never plan a nice dinner or an outing or seeing friends or generally focus on enjoyment. He usually only suggested boring household errands that would be easier to do on Tuesday on the way home...>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: Swedish coast -
Honestly, I think for (at least severe) ADHD people, communicating things in due time, or at all, might not make sense. My ex thought i could mind read him. It’s not an exaggeration. He actually thought if he’d been thinking about something, I would know it too even if it was never mentioned. Also, we did evaluations of the plans we’d made to share housework. Every time, I had done everything on my list, he’d done little on his. When he realized this, he looked confused. He wasn’t aware of...>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: sickandtired -
It seems in my experience, that less close relationships, like business clients, are easier for them to navigate. I also think that they don’t recognize or respect boundaries in close relationships either, like it’s ingrained in him that your money is his money. I’m so glad you got the surgery over with and everything was benign. I hope you are focusing on healing yourself instead of trying to change him.>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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