-
by: RockandAHardPlace -
I have seen this also happen for me. If you haven't read Melissa Orlov's books, I highly recommend them. A few things that I noticed from your posts. His "over reaction" to you doing his laundry or cutting the grass sounds like RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) and/or DERS (Deficient Emotional Self-Regulation). They are not uncommon to find with someone with ADHD or Autism. Do you think it makes him feel incapable or deficient in some way when you are just trying to help? I would suggest...>>> on Forum topic - Struggling with (Assumed) ADHD Shutdown
-
by: RockandAHardPlace -
Sanguine...The reason I asked is that if you are only staying together because of the kids, that honeslty isn't a good reason. Your kids will see the unhappiness. And despite being separated, it is more healthy for everyone, the kids included. If you have a hard time seeing how you will hold your marriage together without the kids, then maybe it's time to focus on what that would really look like. But I do understand that is very different when you have a child with special needs. That adds another...>>> on Forum topic - How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?
-
by: partnerofadhdbf -
Another thing I noticed is while he is not deactivated we are like best friends, laughing honest jokes, we cuddle hug kiss etc. but the actual sex has took a turn and happens not so often. When it does I feel we are happy with it but he admitted that sometimes he feels we are like best friends and it’s hard for his brain to switch into intimacy mode. Is this normal for those who suffer with ADHD? I find that I do not struggle so much but I read that when someone has issues with adhd it can happen.>>> on Forum topic - Struggling with (Assumed) ADHD Shutdown
-
by: partnerofadhdbf -
Thank you very much for these suggestions they all seem like a great idea and I will continue to try and do my own hobbies more often to give him more space and take my mind off of it all. I currently try to go the gym each day after work and on weekends I try to occupy my time with friends/hobbies.>>> on Forum topic - Struggling with (Assumed) ADHD Shutdown
-
by: Swedish coast -
Sorry to hear your partner is struggling. I’ve lived something similar. Undiagnosed and untreated ADHD can make a person spiral into depression, anxiety and burnout, and it’s apparently often triggered by external stressing factors like major life changes. What the caregivers told me to do, once my ex husband’s hidden symptoms were recognized (we originally sought out a couples therapist for relationship trouble, and she quickly identified his deep depression and suspected ADHD, which...>>> on Forum topic - Struggling with (Assumed) ADHD Shutdown
-
by: J -
what you just said. What I just experienced followed a very similar pattern, yet, mostly unspoken by all parties cincerned. Two things you said really hit home for me: "During one fight he finally revealed that he expects...for me to take over the role of his mother"..... "His RSD serves him well, why would he want to treat it?"... " For him, this is a highly desirable system. He would prefer I simply do everything .... but either way, it works for him." and this "...>>> on Forum topic - How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?
-
by: Sanguine -
I honestly don't know! We're very far off from that, the kids are both under 4. I haven't given it a lot of thought. The hope, of course, is that eventually something clicks for him and he starts participating in the normal give-and-take of a household -- not equally, necessarily, but enough. Right now the kids are getting short changed because I am stretched to my limit nearly every day. We may or may not ever have a normal "empty nester" transition because our older child has special needs. It...>>> on Forum topic - How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?
-
by: Off the roller ... -
But for now, I wanted to thank each of you for your responses. I have re-read through them and they have lifted me up in an especially dark time right now. My spouse has landed in the hospital (again) and this time, hes been deemed unfit to fly (again) so that means our highly-anticipated family trip that we were due to leave on shortly will be cancelled (again). And my son and I are feeling disappointed (again). And I'm at home keeping things ticking over while my spouse is trying to dictate and...>>> on Forum topic - Different levels
-
by: J -
At some point it's not just ADHD. It's bad behavior and abuse the way she treats me. It's not ok. Whats not okay is: Blame shifting – redirecting responsibility from oneself onto another person. Externalization of responsibility – attributing one's mistakes to outside forces or other people rather than one's own choices. Defensiveness – protecting oneself from perceived criticism by arguing, denying, or counterattacking. DARVO – Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender...>>> on Forum topic - At some point it's not just ADHD. It's bad behavior and abuse.
-
by: RockandAHardPlace -
Thanks for the feedback, Sanguine. Sounds very much like what I’ve been doing to survive. Do you think you’d view things differently if your kids were older and not living at home?>>> on Forum topic - How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?
-
by: Sanguine -
I can strongly relate to the desire to get your spouse to understand that their patterns are pathological and treatable, and that with guidance and effort your dynamic could become healthier and more balanced. Unfortunately, what I came to learn is that my husband actually already understands this about himself. Like your wife, he accepted medication but not therapy. I researched ADHD coaches for him as well, and he rejected all of them. During one fight he finally revealed that he expects...>>> on Forum topic - How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?
-
by: Sanguine -
I've decided to stay as well, but we're about as distanced as we can be. He's told me that he thinks I'm obsessed with "boundaries" because my parents divorced. The truth is that at some point I just lost hope in any kind of collaborative effort, because it is always about how I need to change and never about what he might do differently. I'm able to keep things reasonably clean and organized even with two very young children and their pets; he lives like a hoarder. His solution is that I need...>>> on Forum topic - At some point it's not just ADHD. It's bad behavior and abuse.
-
by: Off the roller ... -
Same as Honestly. You're right. It sounds like it's time for you to take some time for YOU to figure out what YOU need to do and what steps you need to take. She's showing you and telling you what she's about and where she is....and that's what it is. I have to repeat this for myself many times: Whatever happens or is happening - that what it IS. It is what it is. Sometimes it's so painful for us as nons to accept the brutal reality of a situation. Our hearts just can't handle the...>>> on Forum topic - At some point it's not just ADHD. It's bad behavior and abuse.
-
by: honestly -
by similar behaviour from my now ex. The things that were most damaging for me was being ‘wrong for feeling that way’ and being constantly given to understand that I was bad. I got so out of touch with my feelings and who I was; I was twisted up like a little a pretzel to fit in with how he needed me to be. At least you see through her; I didn’t see through him for many years. I gave him so much undeserved authority. I’m not religious but I valued marriage and I didn’t want to distress the kids but...>>> on Forum topic - At some point it's not just ADHD. It's bad behavior and abuse.
-
by: honestly -
You’re right.>>> on Forum topic - At some point it's not just ADHD. It's bad behavior and abuse.
-
by: J -
Something I just observed on social media...A man and wife ( her AuADHD ) and him nuerotypical, have a semi-humorous page where he asks her questions and she answers him to show ( everyone ) what theyre life is like together. Its performance, but adlib as well..with her being open to his questions for the camera. I caught something that drew my attention tp spmething she said. In this kind of "20 Questions" format...he was asking why she did something the way she did. Her response came back as...>>> on Forum topic - How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?
-
by: RockandAHardPlace -
Thanks “honestly”. Sounds from what I’m hearing so far, I should just go for it ASAP as there really isn’t a “good time”. Better to get it done and know the results now than wasting time. I really don’t know what I’d do if she pushes back and doesn’t take ownership. I truly believe she will address it, but I can’t be certain of that. That’s the hard part and probably why I’m so tentative and want to find the right moment. But maybe that never comes along. I sure would like to read...>>> on Forum topic - How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?
-
by: 1Melody1 -
I really hear you on the swallowing up. I strategized so much about when and how and then when I finally approached him with "perfection" (and kindness), he really just dismissed it. He couldn't see his own impact and had no intention of changing anything. That's why I wish I'd done it earlier. I would have known he wouldn't or couldn't change anything and I could have made my decisions accordingly. And if he had been willing to explore treatment with me, I would have had more "gas in the can"...>>> on Forum topic - How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?
-
by: Swedish coast -
I too have seen this depressing amnesia about resources moving in a way not agreed on… and there was never any explanation or resolution after. Having a sense of fairness, I feel this quality in my ex completely intolerable. And it makes me think considerably less of him nowadays.>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
-
by: J -
Swedish, what you mentioned is quite likely a big part of it, and I suppose it's just part of human nature for the person who gets left to have some remaining unresolved feelings even under the best of circumstances. I should have also included personal "account-ability", literally....a persons ability or capacity to do just that. What you mentioned is somewhat stereotypical or universal but it's also in the aftermath, not neccesarily during or where X just fell off a cliff or seemed to...>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
Learn to thrive in your relationship
Your Relationship Can Change.
Start Here.
Become the Partner You Want to Be.
Be Heard. Feel Understood. Connect Live.
Stop Having the Same Fight.
Free Masterclass · Sept. 2
Upcoming seminars & support groups
📣 Fall Registration Is Now Open
Now Enrolling
• Relationship Skills for ADHD Partners
• Non-ADHD partner Support Groups
Available Anytime
Ongoing Support
📚️ Recommended Reading
🌟 Featured by HuffPost as one of the top books therapists recommend for couples.
Register for free marriage tips here!
"Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."