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by: Groot Lover -
I think for me it was all about trying to understand the characteristics of ADHD and know that nothing is said out of malice. I recommend you read the book by Jefferson Fisher - ‘The Next Conversation’. It’s not aimed at ADHD specifically but it does help with trying to avoid arguments and his best advice for me was when someone says “I was only joking” respond with - well make it funnier or what part was I supposed to laugh at? It really works. My husband used to say it a lot. I think it was his...>>> on Forum topic - Conversations in his head
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by: J -
Before I left my ex SO....one of the many labels she put on me was "loner". I stopped her right then and said "If you believe I'm a loner then you simply do not know me very well"..which is absolutely true. I enjoy being around people and being social. I've got a strong extroverted side to me that gets energized by being social instead of it draining me. My exSO was far more introverted than I am but according to the Briggs Meyers tests ( numerous times ) I come up ENFP / INFP split down the middle or...>>> on Forum topic - It's Insidious
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by: Brodeybug -
I had that conversation with him awhile ago - probably because something similar had happened, and he had no idea what gaslighting meant and has never been manipulative, and I do believe it is not intentional. It does not happen that often and I was so caught off guard. Plus I still can't get used to the conversations in his head that he thinks he is having with me and then when he says something to me and I am supposed to know what it is about... it kind of scares me. Thank you for your comments -...>>> on Forum topic - Conversations in his head
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by: Groot Lover -
Really glad you’ve found this site too. It’s been a blessing for me and although I’m still having to deal with these conversations in my own way, it has helped immensely just knowing that this is quite normal for someone with ADHD. Some might say it’s a form of gaslighting which to some extent it is but the difference being is, they are not consciously saying these things to gaslight you; they really do believe what they’ve spoken about has happened! Since posting my original post I have come to...>>> on Forum topic - Conversations in his head
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by: Brodeybug -
Yesterday was our anniversary, we don't make a big deal about it which is fine, but I bought him a card and did not say anything about how many years we have been married (6 but we have been together about 20). Anyway this AM, he says something to me - like from the middle of a conversation he was having in his head but I am supposed to know what it was (LOL), and he says something about it being 3 years that we have been married and that I said this yesterday to him. I said I did not say that and...>>> on Forum topic - Conversations in his head
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by: Swedish coast -
J, I’m concerned about you. I also relate strongly to being different from family members. Constantly trying to explain myself, to no avail, because their reality doesn’t include the things most prominent in mine. I’ve given up trying to be understood by family. Your sister would have a point, if your goal were to avoid violence and neglect should you become ill or injured. Almost 100% of people would agree a home and a support system would be your best life insurance...>>> on Forum topic - It's Insidious
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by: J -
To be fair to my sister, the story or events that took place before I called her, without a doubt, could have, yes, precipitated ( of triggered ) her comment. What I said, doesn't change. It could be anything, even mundane. This time however , was not mundane. But after the fact, when I had rapidly changed my situation, I realized once again, what told me what to do. This ability boils down to two words I've used to describe it when it happens ....."green light". When green light turns on, you...>>> on Forum topic - It's Insidious
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by: J -
I would never commit suicide. I've never considered it...not ever, not even once. I've never pictured myself doing it....it's just not who I am. To be absolutely clear on that. When I said what I said to my sister...I'm being totally facticious. It'll never happen in other words.>>> on Forum topic - It's Insidious
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by: 1Melody1 -
I think to be successful that the person with ADHD needs to take responsibility for managing the condition. Developing systems that work for him should be his responsibility and you can support. So should starting medication and therapy/coaching. A relationship should not be this exhausting for one party.>>> on Forum topic - Do I need to be responsible forever?
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by: honestly -
Yeah, it sucks. And in my experience, it gets worse as they get older. I’m glad I’ve leaned I’m not alone, that these experiences and patterns are common. But unfortunately that means it sucks for so many of us. It is not what I thought I was signing up for either.>>> on Forum topic - Do I need to be responsible forever?
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by: Haveaniceday -
I completely resonate with your post FrankTH. I am full of resentment as well for my switch being in the ON position for over 20 years, while my ADD SO is only now in the last year getting to understand he even needs to be switched on. The worst part for me is the parent / child dynamic has killed my romantic feelings for him, but he puts it down to the fact that he doesn't think I've tried, doesn't think we've prioritized our marriage (I sounded the alarm on this 20 years ago, but alas...) He still...>>> on Forum topic - Do I need to be responsible forever?
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by: 1Melody1 -
I left my relationship ultimately, but what helped me through the years leading up to that was living as though I was single as much as possible. Examples of what this looked like: -Joining some groups and over time creating a new network of friends that was mine alone. Getting connection and support elsewhere is invaluable! -Separate bedrooms. His room became the place I could put everything he left lying out. I no longer worried about him being able to find things, etc. If he left a mess...>>> on Forum topic - Exhausted and frustrated
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by: honestly -
I just wanted to add, I'm out, of a 20year+ marriage. I have been for a year. Best decision ever. Years ago, I had a condition in pregnancy called Hyperemesis Gravidarium which meant I got sicker and sicker, weaker and weaker as the months went by. I couldn't move without fainting or throwing up or both. I was starving, dehydrated, and he couldn't even be bothered to bring me a snack. Later on, I had a lump in my breast investigated, I phoned to tell him I'd got the all clear, and he...>>> on Forum topic - Exhausted and frustrated
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by: honestly -
it’s what I saw coming down the line after struggling through difficult pregnancies and cancer tests without him seeming to think it had anything to do with him. He also seems like a great guy to others. It’s horrible to feel so unsupported; it is very very hard to distinguish from ‘unloved’. You have my sympathy and solidarity. I’d be looking for a way out, myself, but that’s just me. Aging, you know there will be more caring to be done, and you know who will be doing it and who won’t.>>> on Forum topic - Exhausted and frustrated
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by: J -
"Shit happens, and will continue to happen..." me "My philosophy in life: If you accept that shit happens, and will continue to happen, you'll remain happy no matter what. If you don't accept that shit happens, your happiness is dependent on shit never happening, so when it does, you suffer. This is a problem." I wrote this on my social media page just this morning, and I mean every word. You cannot make another perso...>>> on Forum topic - Scared
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by: littleADHDlatina -
Well as a girl with ADHD I can say we love very hard. so I don't think he means to do it on purpose to make you mad. we often forget some stuff because we get focused on something that is important in life. we don't mean to do ti. I just some stuff slips are minds sometimes because we get overwhelmed and hold stuff in. But don't be too mean with him we often feel more sensitive. Also people with ADHD feel more rejected from people. But for me having big talks with people about problems that bother...>>> on Forum topic - Do I need to be responsible forever?
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by: Swedish coast -
Mistake>>> on Forum topic - Exhausted and frustrated
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by: Swedish coast -
No, I don’t think you can be expected to function as your partner’s outbrain. I too despaired after 20 years of untreated severe ADD in my husband, when there was finally a diagnosis and different professionals advising us. They said ‘we’ should make systems of reminders, have meetings, organize life. But I was already beyond exhausted. As months passed, it was obvious that not only did the advice mean I should spend my Saturdays sitting for hours in completely non-productive meetings...>>> on Forum topic - Do I need to be responsible forever?
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m sorry for your pain. If I could wish for my undiagnosed ADD partner of 20 years to have done something differently, it would have been to have gotten out when he lost hope for us. He was miserable, overwhelmed, trying and failing to meet my needs, and early on he expressed pessimism for our future. I was always optimistic, but then I never saw things from his perspective. I do believe there are many ways of being normal. A lot of the people I love have ADHD and I know it’s a set of...>>> on Forum topic - Scared
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by: honestly -
I had a relationship very like adhd32's; everything they said chimes with me. However, my BFF is also married to someone with ADHD and they are great together. He gets on with his hyperfocus - which is also the family business - and she manages the admin and accounts (which were chaotic before she took them over). It doesn't have to be terrible. It's about balance and commitment and care and sharing the burden and playing to strengths. I wonder if my ex had NPD, not just ADHD, but narcissists...>>> on Forum topic - Scared
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