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by: Swedish coast -
This is so relatable. It’s really hard to work for someone who can’t specify what they want, or how things are to be done. And still assume you deliver whatever it is they secretly expect. I feel for your family.>>> on Forum topic - An update
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by: Swedish coast -
Dogs are a heavy responsibility. Our ADD household never could care for a dog, or any pet, or anything above bare minimum. I always considered pets a luxury for those who can manage their lives and have some energy left at the end of the day, or when disaster strikes. Or have it in them to nurse a sick pet, or grieve a pet. I still feel I’m too exhausted for dogs. And they never grow up, do they?>>> on Forum topic - Getting a new dog?
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by: honestly -
it’s like my daughter, bless her, sending me endless photos of puppies. Yes, I love dogs; yes the puppy is cute; but remember we already have a dog and a cat and Mum is the one who buys the food and fills their water bowl and takes them to the vet and trains the dog and walks the dog and picks up her poo and cleans out the cat’s litter tray. If you have very few dealings with the complex responsibility of owning pets, more pets seems like a great idea. If you’re the grownup, you know...>>> on Forum topic - Getting a new dog?
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Joint therapy session went better than I expected yesterday. Sadly, it just reinforced what I already knew: husband is more interested in stating why he cannot change since he believes I will not accept the changes (more deflection and defensiveness). When therapist challenged his idea of a business plan/budget, he insisted he did not understand what I wanted (he was a finance major in college so definitely understands what a budget is). When recommended by therapist, he did agree to see a clinical...>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: Swedish coast -
Spoke to trauma therapist and have decided to end it with this man. You are all so right about listening to the body. It’s been conflicted about him. That isn’t good enough, which I next time will be more aware of. No more of carrying the men of my life. Thanks everyone.>>> on Forum topic - Does he have autism?
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Your comments were received as caring and compassionate!>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: sickandtired -
Sounds like you’ve made a good plan, and I sincerely hope you have a smooth recovery and a good prognosis. Sending you strength.>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: Swedish coast -
No, there certainly is no question about you being strong. You’ve proven that a hundred times over. Sorry if that didn’t come across as I hoped.>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Thanks for the input. In a perfect world, I would put the surgery off but: 1) there is still a small chance of cancer so would rather get pathology sooner than later; 2) post surgery recovery will restrict my care of Mom so would rather get it done while Mom is still stable (even though she is in decline now). I did speak with my husband today about having a hired caregiver at least take me to/from hospital (husband can only walk with a walker with “great difficulty”). He insists he is ready and...>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: Swedish coast -
This is truly distressing. I understand it’s a hard time for you to be conflicted with your husband, since the surgery is coming up. Is there any way to reschedule therapy so you don’t have to confront him until you’ve recovered from surgery? Or do you have a trusted other whom you can stay with and who can help you for a little while? I’d consider doing these things one at a time. To stand your ground about his chaotic business management might be easier another week when you’re back...>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: Swedish coast -
Is he punishing you by smearing feces on your linen?!? That is the strangest and most disgusting I’ve ever come across about an ADHD partner.>>> on Forum topic - I'm KNOW I'm not crazy, but I feel that way
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by: Neuchatel81 -
I am very anxious about our joint therapy tomorrow. My husband’s idea of taking retirement funds to support his business is no longer tenable for me. He appears to be unable to formulate a business budget/plan (something I have done for the household for decades). I realize this is hard for him. After all that has occurred, I wish to approach him respectfully, but feel as if whatever I do or say will be met with anger and defensiveness. I know I deserve a retirement that is not fraught with worry over...>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: 2Independent -
Can you approach this (if it continues or if you're worried it will continue) as in, "You're probably unaware of this, but . . . " and slide in, "Maybe you should talk with a doctor about this--it isn't like you." I'd have a hard time not confronting this. And I get how some people can turn such a confrontation into a fight, but I feel like that is to shut up the person doing the confronting, so then the manipulation works. Sorry you are dealing with this. I think if I didn't...>>> on Forum topic - I'm KNOW I'm not crazy, but I feel that way
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by: 2Independent -
I can feel the pain in your writing. Not that this is or can be "the" or AN answer for everyone (especially if your husband is depressed and practically bed-ridden), but I have found that being apart for periods of time has helped. I pushed my husband to go on a multi-day vacation to visit his sister in a warmer climate, and that helped a lot. Shortly after he returned, I went away for a long weekend with a relative. If there is any way we can get a break from the day-to-day "babysitting,"...>>> on Forum topic - Exhausted and frustrated
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by: 2Independent -
I don't feel as alone as I have. Thank you. I'm working on remembering to breathe--and breathe deeply--and working on taking better/more care of myself. My husband went away for about 10 days (and my prodding) and that helped quite a bit (see--and he was able to function far away without me...hmmm). Maybe we just need regular vacations (by ourselves). It's a crazy world in ADD/ADHD land.>>> on Forum topic - It's tax time again!
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by: Eighpryl_AB -
He probably did notice and probably thought I did it. I mulled it over all day and ultimately decided to let it go this time. It will just cause him to get defensive and angry. I pick my battles with him very carefully to preserve my own peace these days, and it mostly works for me. He isn't aware, and that's how it happened in the first place. Me addressing it isn't going to give him any more awareness than he gained when I've addressed related issues in the past. If it had been on...>>> on Forum topic - I'm KNOW I'm not crazy, but I feel that way
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by: sickandtired -
Your gut is telling you this is not right for you. Why do you say you feel mean? You have to choose someone who is right for you, who contributes something to the relationship, not just mirror your essence back to you. You are not obligated to carry the burdens for this guy, to be his crutch in life. You need an equal partner after all you have been through. I would hate to see you fall back into a familiar but maladaptive pattern of carrying the men in your life.>>> on Forum topic - Does he have autism?
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by: Swedish coast -
When I saw him a couple of days ago, he was nice as ever. But I get this feeling he walks one step behind me, letting me expand while his contribution is much smaller. Like the date - which was nice - is just an echo chamber for me. Or that I just experience myself reflected in all the walls. Like it’s all about me. I have terrible experiences from this. Passive man hitching a ride. It’s flattering at first. One feels so colorful, witty and fascinating. But then, one’s expected to...>>> on Forum topic - Does he have autism?
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by: honestly -
for me, thank goodness. At home he was disgusting, but to important people he behaves like he’s a sophisticated man of the world. It’s crazy making. FWIW, I think you really really really need to talk. waiting and hoping for him to notice and address his behaviour is not working. We often say ‘parent-child dynamics’ of couples with ADHD. But if he is communicating via his excrement, this is more like an animal-owner dynamic. Talking needs to happen.>>> on Forum topic - I'm KNOW I'm not crazy, but I feel that way
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by: Eighpryl_AB -
Oh my gosh! Your situation definitely sounds like it was much worse. I can't even imagine it on my sheets! And the other stuff is mind boggling, as well. I am so sorry! I don't think he's intentionally gross for the most part. Just super careless. I understand someone could have a random accident. This was just extra bc it seems the incidents have increased in severity, and I am not signing up for clean up duty to spare his feelings. However, unless I directly address it, he's not going...>>> on Forum topic - I'm KNOW I'm not crazy, but I feel that way
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