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by: honestly -
You could so easily be describing my marriage. I left after 25 years together and my only regret is not leaving sooner. Both kids are messed up - son by his inattentiveness, in terms of self esteem which he is building well as a young adult. Daughter in terms of what I modelled in terms of taking so much s***t and her now struggling with the same behaviour in her relationships. They are making progress, but I profoundly regret staying with him for their sake, because he did them no good at all...>>> on Forum topic - Not sure what to do.
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by: 2Independent -
I get where you are coming from. And you need to take care of yourself. What outlets do you have? What outlets can you find?>>> on Forum topic - Burnt Out
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by: 2Independent -
I'm sorry. I get how difficult this is. This woman does not sound stable, and it sounds like she is still enmeshed in a toxic relationship with her ex. You will (or already have) become the fall guy in this situation. If she truly didn't like the way things are going, she would do something about it. She is looking for an enabler: you. Do not set yourself up for a lifetime of misery. As difficult as it might be, you need to realize that her child is not your responsibility. You deserve...>>> on Forum topic - Blaming it on me
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by: J -
Content Warning: Physical violence "It probably leaks out as a kind of desperation when all resources are depleted." Yes Swedish, that almost goes without saying. Contempt doesn't live in a vacuum. It doesn't just appear out of no where for no reason...it has to come from somewhere. And this is the point I was mentioning about "going in the cave" to face your dark side. This is where going to, and staying in therapy long enough to really explore where it comes from ...inside...>>> on Forum topic - Scrutiny
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by: 2Independent -
Sad but true. Financial independence is a real and serious thing. If you don't have the resources to live comfortably on your own, the next alternative is to "accept" this--but I think acceptance can come in various forms. My husband and I have good moments in our day-to-day lives. We still laugh a lot together. We travel together. We are there for one another in difficult times. We also travel separately at times (a lifesaver, believe me). We'll take trips with other family members or...>>> on Forum topic - Giving Up
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by: 2Independent -
The part that hurt reading this was about your knee replacement. I don't even know what to say about someone who would not help someone else in pain. You do not sound like a princess. I think there are many, many, many of us who have stuck it out and wondered if we should have gotten married in the first place.>>> on Forum topic - It's me: complaining again (ADD spouse's purchases)
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by: 2Independent -
Thank you. Yes. I have my own bank accounts and my own investments. I saw a long time ago that he was an impulse buyer.>>> on Forum topic - It's me: complaining again (ADD spouse's purchases)
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by: 2Independent -
I had to laugh when you mentioned the packages. Our security cameras always tell on him (he tries to hide the purchases). Half the crap gets stored away somewhere to be found again maybe a year or two later. The rest of it I stumble upon and he says, "Oh, yea, I got that a couple years ago!" An owl figurine. A clay figure of a head. More towels. I am constantly saying, "We don't have room for this. Remember: We moved here to scale down!" I'm having a yard sale this fall. The more dangerous...>>> on Forum topic - It's me: complaining again (ADD spouse's purchases)
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by: Swedish coast -
This I understand. Of course you need to leave a person who shows you contempt. It’s very possible that a person does it unawares. I think I have. It probably leaks out as a kind of desperation when all resources are depleted.>>> on Forum topic - Scrutiny
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by: J -
.. since contempt is featured prominently in Melissa's book along with the work of John Gottman on this topic, I figured sharing my experience with contempt ( instead of what I intellectually know ) might help others understand better how this works with me, just to show one example. Both the good and the bad. This is also where the RSD thing can get confused of mixed up. It certainly is still confusing to me. I'm using "nervous system" instead of intuition. It's not magic, I don't have...>>> on Forum topic - Scrutiny
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by: J -
a recommendation, but I think going that route might be a good one. It helped me ememsly in many areas before I started on meds. About 5 years with a psychologist before I started with meds as I recall. Since they don't prescribe meds, it's a different kind of approach. I particularly benefited from it, so I can say it definitely helped.>>> on Forum topic - Trying to Local Clinical Psychologist
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by: J -
to say a couple anyway, but to be more concise in what I was saying is simply.. both men and woman are driven to do what ever they do by things inside them moving them in any particular direction. It's not a "men" or "women" thing....just different reasons to do what they do which are not exactly the same. Sometimes they are for the same reason...sometimes not. I wanted companionship....my X wanted something different or better...her version of that was, was different than mine. I came back...>>> on Forum topic - Scrutiny
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by: Swedish coast -
Sorry you get these cannibal insect associations about women. The women I see are very much mammalian… emotionally vigilant, nursing, loving. Oftentimes almost destroying themselves to tend to their family, husband included. I believe it’s precisely because of this wholehearted effort, some hesitate to get into a new relationship after wreckage of the family they worked so hard for. But J, even tender loving generous people are hard to live with. That’s my firm belief at...>>> on Forum topic - Scrutiny
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by: J -
and I agree. Not only agree,but have come to similar conclusions on my own. Even, within what you mentioned about the "reason" to get into a romantic relationship initially was to have childeren. Objectively speaking, to have childeren,you MUST have a functioning male specimen to serve as part of that equation ie; through sex. Right? That's really not any great revelation even for me to see. It's also not any great revelation to understand why that is ( in terms of women...to further the species ). It...>>> on Forum topic - Scrutiny
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by: Swedish coast -
I think a lot of us aren’t comfortable in any full-time relationship. Relating incessantly, coordinating, negotiating, emotionally reaching out, soothing, solving, repairing, is exhausting. Just spoke to a divorced friend yesterday. We agreed the primary reason for us to have been in a romantic relationship was to have children. Now we have them, it’s less clear if a relationship with a man would benefit us on the whole. I’m still hopeful to find a romantic partner...>>> on Forum topic - Scrutiny
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by: Swedish coast -
Sorry you’re dealing with this. I think an inattentive ADHD mind is as convinced it is normal as is a neurotypical one. And yes, it seems awareness of ADHD impact on the family is most often very low in the ADHD partner. Convincing the unwilling ADHD partner they need to change is a fight a neurotypical partner typically can’t win. Neither is it easy to get empathy or understanding for the negative effects of ADHD for yourself. All you can do is ask for understanding, for your...>>> on Forum topic - Not sure what to do.
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by: J -
when my X was standing there in front of me...downloading everything that was wrong with me saying "you bring out the worst in me ! " ( like hitting me for example ) ... I laughed and basically said "uh...not so much. You're "worst", was already there....I'm not responsible for "bringing it out" of you! I may be the catalyst ( with little doubt ) but I didn't create it ....I'm not that talented!!>>> on Forum topic - Scrutiny
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by: J -
Of course I had to look up where this gatekeeping comes from and to no surprise ....it's shadow behavior ( Jungian ). I can take each person I mentioned and go....yep. That's it. Including my X. Using the Star Wars scene ...where Luke Skywaljwr had to go into the cave to face the dark side of the force..... then, in the moment when he see's Darth Vader ( his father ) and quickly dispatches him by cutting off his head.... ..only to see the head inside the helmet is him. I think...>>> on Forum topic - Scrutiny
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by: J -
What you just said is exactly right! How it makes "YOU" feel, is exactly how "I" feel too, being on the receiving end of that same behavior. That's the effect, of being in a conversation with another person who interrupts: consistently, chronically, constantly, all the time.... .... and DOES NOT modify, or change their behavior to a "level" or "degree" where it no longer has "that effect ". "Especially..... if it becomes the dominant mode of communication." RIGHT ! "...>>> on Forum topic - Impulsive
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by: honestly -
But it has effects. Especially if it becomes the dominant mode of communication. It scrambles the focus of the person on the receiving end, leaving them with broken thoughts and unexpressed ideas, always reaching, frustrated, for that thing that had been on the tip of their tongue. It made me, at least, feel eroded, diminished, and unheard. So whilst it's not wrong, it has effects.>>> on Forum topic - Impulsive
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