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by: 1Melody1 -
So sorry you're dealing with this Swedish. I've seen similar in my family, maybe not to this extent, and it really hurts. I think Honestly gave you amazing advice. These relationships are never going to be what we want them to be most likely, so the only thing we can do is what's best for us. If they want to see you or your teens, then let them come to you to make plans. If they don't, that's on them. Disappointing for sure, but way less work for you. Their relationship with your kids is THEIR...>>> on Forum topic - Hurt by family
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by: 2Independent -
I like the idea of "in a different way" or "in an unconventional way." And that is a possibility. My primary (only?) concern is finances. I'm at a point in life where I have been able to cut back my work hours and enjoy long-held-off projects and passions. I worked hard for this time and it's so very important to me. I unexpectedly carried the heavier financial burden for half our marriage. Just as we got married, he got fired, and he never held a decent-paying job again. Because he was distraught...>>> on Forum topic - Waited too long
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by: Swedish coast -
Thank you for your kind words. The empathetic ones are equally clueless. They don’t have basic perception about taking turns or sharing responsibility, or even social event manners (like thanking for things after, or sending messages with some enthusiasm, like that would be too bourgeois, or they’re too good for it). They imagine their doing things the way they prefer is normal, and see no reason to reflect on themselves. Even one-on-one time with them is draining and stressful as they let...>>> on Forum topic - Hurt by family
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by: honestly -
‘it’s not something that’s done, it’s something that happens’ - because you make it happen!! They might notice if you stop… It might be that this pattern in your family of origin (your role as selfless caregiver, nurturer, holder-of-things-together) is what set you up for the dynamics of your relationship with your partner- we do do this; I had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday in therapy about how this works in me (my lack of connection to self, caused by narcissistic parenting, very...>>> on Forum topic - Hurt by family
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Reading this was like my own story. Married 43 years and the time blindness and lack of financial strategy is now top of the list. Husband’s business has not been profitable for 5 years, and he appears unable to formulate a plan to improve the situation except stating he will earn more……what kind of plan is that?!?!? We have a new therapist on board who seems to understand ADD and financial issues so I hope she can help him see the light. If not, then I will have to make hard decisions even thought I...>>> on Forum topic - Reality bites
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by: J -
That's what it's called. I just didn't know the name.>>> on Forum topic - Building vs Re-building
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by: 1Melody1 -
Swedish and Honestly, I really feel this. It's freeing to stop trying to find shared understanding. My husband just wasn't able to see things as they were, even though 100 people on the street could have easily, you know? I don't know if it's a coping/self-preservation mechanism or just different brains, but it was better to accept that and move on.>>> on Forum topic - he needs me to do more and better. again.
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by: Swedish coast -
Despite all things you’ve written about your ex SO, J, this deep connection is also true. Your scene of the other day is so easy to empathize with. This co-existence of deep love and deceit, power struggles, abuse, is terrifying and true. Like you, I’ve found it’s safer to keep the loved but terrifying person at a considerable distance. It’s just too painful to interact with them.>>> on Forum topic - Building vs Re-building
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by: Swedish coast -
Isn’t it sad that what we might yearn for most, is for them to understand us and validate our perspective? It’s taken me two years to accept I won’t ever agree to his reality again, and therefore there’s nothing to be saved after the crash. Everything is ruined. He’s dead to me. Honestly, I feel for you.>>> on Forum topic - he needs me to do more and better. again.
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by: honestly -
And you’re right; this is about competing realities, and his bears so little resemblance to mine. But also I don’t have to do this anymore; I don’t have to listen anymore and I don’t have to burn myself to keep him warm. He helped me see that, even though it’s a horrible process to go through once again- the hope, and the failure of hope. He is diagnosed ADHD, but I am increasingly convinced he is also a covert narcissist. The patterns fit.>>> on Forum topic - he needs me to do more and better. again.
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by: Swedish coast -
He rewrites the script to fit himself. And his therapist - any therapist - will be clueless about what actually happened beeeeen you two. The individual therapist is only an echo chamber for him (like the several psychologists I saw for years for my stress, nobody could see I lived with a partner with undiagnosed severe ADD, since I didn’t know it, and therefore no therapy helped). Only you, Honestly, and your partner know what’s happened in the relationship. And since you two don’t share...>>> on Forum topic - he needs me to do more and better. again.
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by: 1Melody1 -
Wishing you all the best with the counselling, Off the roller. I totally understand going by actions and not words. It's the only way. I hope you have a counsellor who gets it. When I told him it was over, he stayed in denial for a long time. I think he thought if he ignored it, it would go away. He definitely needed time to accept that this was really it (even though I'd clearly communicated my feelings all along). I understood that I needed to give him time, space and empathy for this and I...>>> on Forum topic - Waited too long
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by: Birgitta -
After 13 years together, I have left my relationship with a man who has ADHD. Already in the first month I understood that he had ADHD. He has been the best, most loving and kindest man in the world. He has said that I am the best, most beautiful, etc. versus the times when he has been the worst. We argue, he makes personal attacks about who I am. That everything is my fault, that everyone else thinks this or that about me. That he is angry because I... always me. There have been some really big...>>> on Blog post - Got Conflict? Get Curious About Your Parts
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by: J -
When she yelled...."I'm your friend"...as the garage door was coming down....I pointed to my my heart. She acknowledged it with a smile. J>>> on Forum topic - Building vs Re-building
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by: Off the roller ... -
Samsies gurl. All of it. I'm in the same thick, mucky yuck that is swirling around fear, individual insecurities and bad patters that just keep swirling around.>>> on Forum topic - Reality bites
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by: Off the roller ... -
Please belive me that it's never too late for anything that you need to change. I'm not trying to be clichéd either, just want you to know that maybe the changes you are hoping to happen might happen in a different way or in an unconventional way that you didn't realise.... but its never to late. Keep doing things for yourself that bring you joy and are in line with your own values. X x>>> on Forum topic - Waited too long
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by: Off the roller ... -
Melody I'm intrigued as to how that first year of separation was for you? Did you have to leave? Did you kick him out? How did the separation happen? I'm in a really weird spot at the moment, we are about to embark on couselling but im not sure it's gonna help because I take what the behaviour is and not what is said. And couselling might be just another vehicle for more talking and no action or change.>>> on Forum topic - Waited too long
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by: Swedish coast -
This echoes right out of my life as well. My husband was such a good person. I trusted him because of his intentions. He was loyal, sweet and kind until he had to function in a crisis. This happened twice in our life. First when our second child was born. And then when I had to leave him. His abilities in a crisis were so poor, I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. The cruelty, the selfishness, the blindness to how he hurt me. It’s all ADD. I know this, and he’s tried to...>>> on Forum topic - Reality bites
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by: 1Melody1 -
It's great that you've been able to develop a fairly vibrant life outside of the marriage. I did cope that way for a time as I think a lot of others in our situation do. We have to carefully weigh our individual circumstances and I sure do hope you are able to find some happiness now and in the future. ❤️>>> on Forum topic - Waited too long
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by: 2Independent -
This is my DH's thinking, too. It makes him crazy that I have saved. He's right: I could die without spending my savings. But I also want to be able to pay bills when I retire. I feel like I will be working forever (at least I like it). I also fear him going before me, because I will have a mess of debts and God knows what else to take care of from his accounts (he buys expensive cars--plural--every couple of years, one which we never drive). There's got to be a balance between "one life to live" and...>>> on Forum topic - Waited too long
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