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by: Swedish coast -
Isn’t this a frightening thing? Their utter disregard for or ability to grasp one’s reality? I went to the counselor today with the ex. He eventually seemed to see the things that have upset me during divorce, and actually took some responsibility for them. His primary concern is how badly his self-esteem has been hurt by my criticism. He says I didn’t use to listen to him and didn’t adress his emotional needs in the marriage. He however admitted that he didn’t think I had ever meant to...>>> on Forum topic - Using kids as leverage
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by: adhd32 -
Been in this life over 40 years. What I will say is if you can get out now, do it. It gets worse. I stopped arguing and just let him be wrong. Yesterday we met at our community pool bc I had a few stops to make beforehand. We each drove our own cars. I noticed that he had his car fob attached to his swimsuit tie. I said nothing. He went into the pool with the fob. He has to deal with the fallout. While it would have been beneficial to him if I spoke up, I have been humiliated w an RSD...>>> on Forum topic - Taking The Long Way Around
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by: honestly -
You have my sympathy- I do see parallels with my ex. He was bad tempered and prone to angry outbursts and painted me as a villain while we were together, but was horrified at the idea of the marriage ending. Now we have split he is behaving as if we are ‘cool’ - wanting to hang out, even go on holiday together - when I am still raw with pain and anger and grief and am burned out and want nothing to do with him whatsoever. I wonder if this is a lack of empathy thingon his part - he doesn’t really see...>>> on Forum topic - Using kids as leverage
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by: honestly -
You’re not too old to leave. You haven’t invested too many years. If you want to stay, stay; but don’t stay because of what you’ve already spent on this. That’s like pouring water into bucket full of holes rather than, well, stopping and finding something else to fill up with your energies. But being with an ADHDer can lead to an overwhelming sense of misery and inertia, because you’ve had to carry so much for so long and you feel you can’t carry a single other thing, and you are worn down by the bad...>>> on Forum topic - Taking The Long Way Around
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by: Off the roller ... -
I hear ya and living the same. The first thing to say is that you are DEFINITELY not too old to make changes for yourself. I don't even know your age - I don't have to. Because I already know that if you arent dead, then you're not too old to do something about it for yourself. I've been living in the same frustration (although I've graduated to calling it a personal hell) as you for 5 years. And yes, it is a trait of adhd and one of things I've found is that I've learned to let them have their...>>> on Forum topic - Taking The Long Way Around
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by: adhd32 -
The death of a marriage with an ADHD partner is like death from a million paper cuts. Things like you forgot to feed the dogs and leave water, didn't pick up the rake on the lawn and grandma tripped on it, forgot to buy kids lunch supplies and discovered too late to run out last minute to pick things up, etc, etc, etc are not terrible occasionally but when you don't follow through, someone else has to. Your extreme examples may be the last straw for your spouse who is likely already on the edge from...>>> on Forum topic - Am I the bad person?
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by: honestly -
about him being in the house. But for a bunch of reasons- most particularly the kids’ acceptance of the split (I have a younger daughter too) which has gone very well considering - I’m going to try and suck this up for the time being. I only have to tolerate it one more year while daughter is still at home. I don’t want to jeopardise what is an effective status quo for everyone (apart from me!) In the meantime I think I’ll try and encourage them to hang out more at his place - it’s a long way...>>> on Forum topic - what about the kids…?
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by: honestly -
But I wonder about the stage you’re at and how you got there, and to what degree this is to do with perception. I’m the non, I just ended my marriage. I felt treated with utter contempt by my husband for many years in part (but only in part) because he didn’t listen to me. I would ask for things to change (ie please don’t leave wet laundry draped all over the dining chairs; please don’t run the dishwasher at night; please don’t drink so heavily) only for him to keep doing whatever it was. Meanwhile he...>>> on Forum topic - Am I the bad person?
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by: Gunnut -
You’ve dodged a bullet. If it’s like this now so soon in the relationship, it will only get worse as the relationship, in its natural course gets staler. If my wife would have dumped me 2.5 years into it or if I had caught her repeated affairs, , before kids, would have saved me from two decades of hell. Don’t have kids with this person if you do get back together, you could get stuck with a partner who damages the kids so much, that you could never leave them alone, so no divorcing. This takes a...>>> on Forum topic - Break up with ADHD partner
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by: adhd32 -
Your husband is abusive and you need to get out. Stop making excuses. You have choices and frankly, living in a shelter would be better, especially for your son. I don't understand how a parent would stand by while their child likely has a concussion, and not take him to the ER. Its not because his parents don't want medical bills, more likely your husband didn't want to be questioned by doctors and possibly getting CPS involved. Stand up for your kids and get out.>>> on Forum topic - What do you do when you can't rely on your spouse?
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m glad your father has pitched in! Reading your post above this last one, I simply reflect you shouldn’t in future have to let your ex into your home. Didn’t you mention you take turns in the family home for the time being? Of course there are often several things to take into account ( like finances) but still I think it’s vital you get out of an arrangement where he can stop by and ruin your week, dumping hours of extra housework on you and adding bs on top. Feeling like blancmange...>>> on Forum topic - what about the kids…?
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by: honestly -
I’m so sorry to hear about your father; I should have paused to mention that first. That’s a terrible terrible loss, and one that compounds the inadequacy of your partner’s contribution to your family. My dad - who is in many ways a difficult man - would help with things around the house, and do stuff with my kids that my ex was ‘too busy’ for. Although it was not always an easy dynamic, I’m glad of that; it helped. I’m sad that you didn’t have it.>>> on Forum topic - what about the kids…?
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by: honestly -
That’s really moved me. I honestly don’t feel resilient at all; I feel about as resilient as a blancmange. The ex was here for a few days to be with the kids and I cleared off; I came home to a house in absolute chaos. Laundry draped over the furniture and damp in a basket on the table, no food in the house, dishes stacked by the dishwasher; no cleaning done at all. All this on Monday morning as my working week starts. I shouldn’t have, but I texted to tell him that this was unfair and to please at...>>> on Forum topic - what about the kids…?
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m sorry your son has experienced these things from his father. It’s very relatable, your distress at not being able to act as male role model. It’s stressful to feel a constant lack of that functional father, and perhaps also extended family or network, and be afraid there will never be enough of anything. My father died young, there are no male role models around for my son either. Still, I think we as non-ADHD parents need to refuse responsibility for the ADHD parenting. It’s an...>>> on Forum topic - what about the kids…?
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by: libra2210 -
That is the challenge ; I can't work full time and leave my kid alone with this person. He will drive them nuts..no literally. He vacillates between punitive and negligent. He talks "at "us for hours; these "conversations"- my way or highway kind - leave us drained out mentally and it takes a while to get back to being yourself again. So we avoid him totally although it is hard with him being at home 24/7/365. In the beginning I thought I was the only one who felt this way but soon I see my kids...>>> on Forum topic - What do you do when you can't rely on your spouse?
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by: 1Melody1 -
This sounds like a very imbalanced relationship where you have been (at the very least) financially abused and used as a servant to facilitate his life. If you are already supporting yourself in this marriage, I can't see any benefit of staying with this person. In fact, depending on your laws, he may have to pay you regular support if you divorce. Stay safe of course. It might not hurt to consult with an attorney to understand your rights.>>> on Forum topic - What do you do when you can't rely on your spouse?
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by: libra2210 -
Do you have kids; it gets more complicated. I know because, I have been going through a similar situation and raised two kids practically as a single mom- actually it gets difficult because the role expectations around the house work - cooking, cleaning, washing etc are based on our old traditional culture of my home country that the women is responsible for all the house work. In my case add school drop offs and pickups along with anything and everything a child would need growing up. My husband...>>> on Forum topic - What do you do when you can't rely on your spouse?
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by: libra2210 -
Do you have kids; it gets more complicated. I know because, I have been going through a similar situation and raised two kids practically as a single mom- actually it gets difficult because the role expectations around the house work - cooking, cleaning, washing etc are based on our old traditional culture of my home country that the women is responsible for all the house work. In my case add school drop offs and pickups along with anything and everything a child would need growing up. My husband...>>> on Forum topic - What do you do when you can't rely on your spouse?
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by: Swedish coast -
That is very well put. I sense you have a wealth of experience behind it. Everything you wrote applies to our marriage exactly, except one thing. He did show so much affection, and he was so intent on being emotionally supportive of me. For decades, and despite his severe dysfunction. If he hadn’t been, it would be a lot easier to move on to a new life.>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness?
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by: adhd32 -
Forgiveness is done for you by you. You accept that they are incapable of being the person you need. You stop wishing and hoping things were different and accept that they have extreme limitations. These limitations will forever prevent them from changing enough to meet your minimum expectations for a good partner. And that is okay, you are allowed to have standards for how you want to live and be treated. It is just that for whatever reason, they are incapable of changing their behavior and fight...>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness?
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