-
by: Swedish coast -
It struck me too - what you describe is a Herculean effort to balance something that is inherently unbalanced. As soon as there is a little less effort put in, there will be a tilt. And this matters since what I perceive as core ADHD dysfunction is exactly this: lack of consistency, lack of memory, lack of prioritization, compartmentalization and organized thought. In a matter of weeks, agreements in my marriage were always forgotten. Other stronger currents made behavior drift...>>> on Forum topic - Non-ADHD Partner: Check-In
-
by: Off the roller ... -
I've re-read your post so many times. Im really struggling with the feelings it invokes in me because I can understand everything you wrote on such a deep level. I've been asked many times "what would I say to my son if he comes to me with the same problems im having now in my marriage" or "do you wish this for your kids?" And reading your post feels like ive had a mirror put up to me and im really struggling with how to process it. As I read, I kept wanting to say to you "what's...>>> on Forum topic - Non-ADHD Partner: Check-In
-
by: Neuchatel81 -
Husband’s business has not been profitable since 2019. He keeps pumping retirement funds into business (since he now states 30% of our retirement funds are for his use only) since he only has an overly optimistic view of all his business planning (despite anything that has occurred in the past - he only wishes to look forward!). I have an appointment by myself with therapist tomorrow. I feel it is my decision to stay or go, but I am beginning to feel as if I am the unreasonable one due to...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
-
by: Neuchatel81 -
Tried to talk to husband but he is offended I do not trust him after he has taken household funds to support his business. Three times he told me he would not do it, and yet he did so each time not even bothering to speak to me. I feel stupid I did not speak up earlier. He now insists that 30% of our retirement funds are “his” only, and he will use them as he sees fit for his business and will not allow me any veto power. He states I only wish to control all the money, while I tell him I just wish to...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
-
by: Swedish coast -
Avoidance like you describe is so harmful to the relationship. It seems shutting down communication is a way for an overwhelmed ADHD person to avoid conflict. They think it’s the safe option. Instead it’s a highway to disaster. Thinking of you.>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
-
by: J -
"Over the last few years I've really started to question where ADHD ends and something more like narcissistic personality disorder begins. What is uncontrollable impulsivity, and what is just a basic disregard for other people? How much of his "insomnia" is his abuse of his adderall prescription, which he's been able to push up to 90mg/day?" I want to state up front, I'm not a doctor, pharmacist or expert in the field of drugs. My only expertise comes from my own experience but when I read this...>>> on Forum topic - I can't be my husband's advocate
-
by: Neuchatel81 -
My husband has a neuromuscular disease that he has chosen to ignore for years. It has now progressed to the point that he should probably be in a wheelchair, or at least get physical therapy and leg braces. He keeps stating he plans on making changes such as eating better, exercising, etc., but does nothing. All the while, I am doing all I can to stay fit and mobile since we are both at retirement age (although we both are still working). All I can see in the future is having to care for him when he...>>> on Forum topic - I can't be my husband's advocate
-
by: Neuchatel81 -
I have had a couple more conversations with husband. He states he sometimes fails to talk about issues as he is concerned it will devolve into an argument - I recently learned that even disagreeing with him leads him to believe we are arguing. Since I am an outspoken person, if I disagree with him then I will tell him so. I gave him clear indication that NOT speaking leads me to feel as if he does not care. It will be very sad if our relationship fails simply because he does not want to risk...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
-
by: honestly -
I really feel for you. I was in a similar relationship - down to the hygiene issues - and was also called critical, negative and even cruel. If you're hesitant to leave 'for the sake of the kids', I'm here to tell you what he's modelling to them and inflicting on them is doing them no good at all. Aside from all of the social and practical complexity you have to deal with day to day, the people in your shared lives he has pissed off, the fact that you can't rely on him to even show up for...>>> on Forum topic - I can't be my husband's advocate
-
by: 1Melody1 -
Sometimes there's no way through but out.>>> on Forum topic - I can't be my husband's advocate
-
by: J -
I'm pretty confident, avoident attachmemt is at the core for my X and, other members of my own family who are suspect ( undiagnosed ) of having ADHD. I want to include "external locus of control" into this mix as well. The belief you either have control, or do not have control ..to affect changes in your life is influenced by whether you tend to be more "internal" or "external" in your internal locus of control. I do believe from everything I know, having an avoidant ( insecure )...>>> on Forum topic - Why have I gone from her hero to her villain?
-
by: J -
This makes a lot of sense.>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
-
by: Swedish coast -
He might care, even a lot, but still not be able to do what’s needed. To act in a way that shows he cares, he needs prioritizing skills, initiative, ability to decide, conclude, verbalize, and finish things off. All these executive abilities may be down due to ADHD. I can relate so much to what you describe, it’s awful. Only wish I could do something to help.>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
-
by: Neuchatel81 -
I told husband today that I am going back to therapist on my own to determine what I need to do for my future and wellbeing. He said he understood and that he realizes he needs to do a lot (get adequate sleep, follow up, etc.). He still makes NO attempt to speak to me about anything to do with our relationship. When we met with therapist last week, he said he was thinking about things and needed to talk to me, but he has yet to do so. How does he not understand that the lack of communication is going...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
-
by: Swedish coast -
I agree Sanguine. There’s a reflex at least in my culture to assume conflicting partners are both equally to blame. Unless there’s physical violence perhaps. The thing about ADHD-non marriage conflict in my opinion is it isn’t best described in moral terms. Since conflict is driven by lack of understanding and lack of ability, it’s rather a clumsy blindfolded nightmare version of regular conflict. I guess it’d be correct to say both my ex and I have endured a lot of emotional abuse. However...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
-
by: Sanguine -
Most couples therapy and most marital advice/self-help is premised on the assumption that there is a problematic dynamic to which both spouses contribute, and therefore that both have something to work on. A lot of people with ADHD (certainly all with RSD) will leverage that to reassure themselves that they're not the problem, especially if they're not ready to change. They will find fault with you, real or imagined, and usually they will convince themselves that they can't change until you do....>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
-
by: Off the roller ... -
Just came on here to lend support and it sounds like its really really tough. Melanie Beatty books on co-dependancy really helped me through a similar time to yours - but it is hard to sit with the hard shit and not actually try to change it. Sending hugs>>> on Forum topic - Disrespected
-
by: Off the roller ... -
I just came on here to say that it sounds really really really tough what you're going through. Im glad u shared it and you aren't alone.>>> on Forum topic - Disrespected
-
by: Swedish coast -
It’s cruel, but I relate to this as well. Feeling misunderstood and criticized enough finally made my ex too lose consideration for how his actions affected me. Coupled with his unawareness of the (terrible) effect his untreated conditions had had already, this was painful. There was a flip, when he decided to save himself and no longer cared about me. At that point, it’s easy to wish you hadn’t spent the last years accommodating his illness and stretching yourself thin.>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
-
by: Swedish coast -
J, I was hoping you’d share. Your vivid story of living with cattle today is spot on. I believe depression that seems to be a hallmark of our time is often due to stressors being unconfined. Your bull problem is in the now, and when you’ve herded the animals off, you can relax. Most people today don’t ever get to relax. Threats are constant and have to do with being liked or accepted or not, or having made the right choices or not. Our world is super complex and I actually don’t think...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD wisdom of the present
Learn to thrive in your relationship
Your Relationship Can Change.
Start Here.
Become the Partner You Want to Be.
Be Heard. Feel Understood. Connect Live.
Stop Having the Same Fight.
Free Masterclass · Sept. 2
Upcoming seminars & support groups
📣 Fall Registration Is Now Open
Now Enrolling
• Relationship Skills for ADHD Partners
• Non-ADHD partner Support Groups
Available Anytime
Ongoing Support
📚️ Recommended Reading
🌟 Featured by HuffPost as one of the top books therapists recommend for couples.
Register for free marriage tips here!
"Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."