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by: Neuchatel81 -
To make certain husband understands I am doing all I can to repair relationship, I mistakenly thought talking to him today would be a good idea. Despite stating I was at a crossroads and wanted to keep our relationship intact, husband considered this a “threat” and told me I am: too controlling, hyperfocus on small inconsequential things, and I want him to come to me on “bended knee.” Guess I have my answer - I HAVE done all I can but his choice to to be angry, defensiveness, and deflect all...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: 2Independent -
He has brought up needing hearing aids. Again, I will have to be the person to put that in motion (if it's up, see my post here about "mankeeping"). I know I sound pessimistic, but just like meds that have helped him in the past, I can imagine him getting them and not using them. It's why I haven't pushed this issue, although I have mentioned it now and then. I can give it another try. Driving: most of the screaming-in-the-car is when I'm driving because he cannot assist with directions (and...>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: 2Independent -
As someone who is older (rapidly approaching retirement age) and in this for nearly 20 years, I'd say totally trust your gut while you're still young enough to get out of this situation without too much financial hardship. Honestly, when I look back, I feel like I should have left a long time ago while I still had years of career ahead of me. Now, my career has slowed down dramatically, and it is the finances that are keeping me here right now. I'm so very sorry to hear what has been going...>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: Swedish coast -
Sadly it seems often ADHD people who have checked out emotionally from their marriage won’t initiate divorce due to inertia. If he thinks you’ve been a terrible partner for the last ten years, I believe you shouldn’t expose yourself to this anymore. I’ve kept going too, on accord of my own ambition to repair and love. It’s not enough though, if an ADHD partner is unable or unwilling to do the same. It might be your own vulnerability isn’t fully visible to you right now, since...>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: PerezosoPrimero -
Your comments and effort to relate them to your own hearing loss is really important. I can relate as well because I suffer a profound hearing loss related my military service. There's really something to your story, and I think it's very useful to keep in mind that we can help our ADHD partner if we can address what is happening without applying labels that are triggering for them. At this point for my wife and I, she is inconsistent in acknowledging the facts of her symptoms, for example...>>> on Forum topic - Non-ADHD Partner: Check-In
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by: PerezosoPrimero -
First and foremost, thank you for commenting. You capture my greatest fear, that the nature of the disorder precludes a positive outcome. I do take some hope from other quarters in the mental health professions in which historic belief that BPD and sociopathy are untreatable and now, particularly with BPD great progress has been made and even (among highly specialized professionals) some hope has been offered for those on the lower end of the sociopathy continuum. You hit a key point in common with...>>> on Forum topic - Non-ADHD Partner: Check-In
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by: PerezosoPrimero -
Apologies for the delayed response--all the response notifications went to my spam folder for some reason. I appreciate your comment and the ultimate question, which each therapist I've worked with has asked. My wife is an extraordinary woman and human being. We have so much in common, both in terms of interests and attitude we have a level of mutual understanding I've had with few other people in my life. I won't belabor the list of superlatives, but my evaluation from very early on to this point...>>> on Forum topic - Non-ADHD Partner: Check-In
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by: honestly -
I was in a similar place. It’s horrible. The loneliness and the blame, and the refusal ro let you go. It’s a nightmare. Listen to yourself. You’re constantly being told you’re awful, but you’re not. That little you inside yourself deserves to be heard and taken into account. Don’t hang about because it’s somehow better r the kids. It’s not. It takes a while to heal. I would strongly suggest counselling for your daughter. Without a chance to process them, there’s a danger that she...>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Your experience definitely sounds a lot like mine. Husband has told me I am too controlling, too money worried, etc. The Family Mediation is truly my last effort as I have tried all else. I feel as if an “intervention” is needed for husband, but am not confident he will even listen. My asking that he step up and make changes, or at least try to talk to me has been met with inaction and silence.>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: J -
As I read your list of concerns, and even once said "problem?".....I definitely agree, your husband sounds like he has a list of personal problems he either: refuses to address OR; he has a legitimste disfunction. One would be more intentional, the latter is not intentional at all. You're problem, as it appears is, what to do about it from everything you've said. Let's take a couple things you mentioned and put some perspective on it, starting with his suspected hesring loss. Something I've...>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: Swedish coast -
I think at some point where the ADHD and non realities have drifted apart, nons will still hope to be validated by their partner. It’s understandable. I’ve done it too and struggled with it for a long time. But there will possibly never be validation. It’s at this point you will need to defend yourself and your reality. They might never see how poorly they’ve treated you. They might never acknowledge your pain and your losses. You however need to stand your ground and believe your senses. I...>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: 2Independent -
Because my husband has taken steps to be more mentally stable, he wants pats on the back or applause. Yes, his temper has toned down quite a bit over the years. But we are dealing with obvious ADHD and his deterioration. It's apathy. It's like he feels like he's "done enough" and I should be happy that he isn't the raging ahole I almost divorced. But it's like he's barely a functional adult. Can't research/find contractors/service workers to fix things. Can't close a cabinet door. Can't turn off a...>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: 2Independent -
Staying authentic to myself has been my lifesaver. I am determined to do that. It's to the point that it seems my husband and I live separate lives. I am active and engaged; he seems to have given up on everything. . . and is deteriorating. I eat healthy; he lives on junk and drinks too much. He has "worked on" some of his issues (like depression and anxiety), goes through the motions. And, oddly enough, he has strongly avoided dealing with ADHD. I halfway wonder if he fears what his life...>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: Swedish coast -
I think many with ADHD have no idea of the impact of their disability on their loved ones. Also, at least with my ex, there was a kind of defaitism I could never understand. He seemed convinced he had no power to change anything that involved me. He decided if I had expressed something, like a need, a disappointment, a boundary or an emotion, that was it. I had stated how things were, and he had nothing to add. It was like I was given final authority over outcome of everything, and he...>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: 1Melody1 -
"I am uncertain he really grasps the reality." I really feel this. I was telling my partner I couldn't go on with our 20-year marriage if the issues pertaining to ADHD weren't addressed. And yet... nothing. I even said, "you'd rather end our marriage and break up our family than work on this?" And I was essentially met with a shrug of denial and misunderstanding. I don't think he thought it would really happen. And despite all the conversation and my pleading leading up to it, he was genuinely...>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: Neuchatel81 -
I too am struggling to accept the fact that husband has no desire to broach/resolve issues in our relationship. I have tried so much over decades (we have been to half a dozen therapists over 44 years) that I thought at some point that it would get through to him. I do understand that he probably has undiagnosed ADHD and that this makes everything more of a challenge for him, but I also feel as if I deserve partner who at least makes an effort to improve rather than just try the same unsuccessful...>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: 2Independent -
I would talk with an attorney if I were you. Also, it sounds like you two have been through a lot. There are scars. "I would do anything . . . ." What are you doing? You don't say, "I made an appointment to see a therapist" or "I'm seeing my doctor next week." My suggestion is for you to see an attorney before signing anything but also recognize that DOING trumps talking. Action is what changes things, not talk, not regret, not sorrys. Best of luck.>>> on Forum topic - I think I waited too long.
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by: 2Independent -
. . . so this seems like an extension of earlier behavior. This guy is showing you what and who he is. Try to separate in your mind what you want him and the relationship to be and what it really is.>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Fiancé broke off our Engagement by text whilst over Medicated on Elvanse
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by: 2Independent -
He's spelling out for her what their married life would be like. When the writing is on the wall, read it and believe it and act on it.>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Fiancé broke off our Engagement by text whilst over Medicated on Elvanse
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by: 2Independent -
So, this guy was talking about breaking up before he began the medication. Then not wanting to break up. Some would call this emotional abuse. A rollercoaster. Now he takes medication and takes the real steps to break up, but it seems you are choosing not to believe he really wants to. PLEASE, please, please, for the love of God, pay attention to this behavior--medicated or not. He is spelling out for you what your married life would be like (and it would probably be worse). I know...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Fiancé broke off our Engagement by text whilst over Medicated on Elvanse
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