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by: sickandtired -
I came to you in good faith. If you don’t see it that way, that’s your problem. If I say I feel insulted by your words, but you say it’s not an insult because you believe your criticisms to be true, do you realize you have just dismissed my feelings? Do you defend yourself like this when your wife confronts you with your behavior???Let me tell you something about interacting with people… if someone says they feel insulted by your words, believe them. You can’t just negate their feelings to defend...>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: sickandtired -
…and show them this thread. You are splitting hairs trying to win this argument, rather than perhaps learn something about yourself. You have called me a liar and a gaslighter who has “poor reading comprehension”. You said you are only “considering” having sex outside the marriage. If you told your wife that (in your words) how do you think she would react? Do you think she would be ok if you are only “considering it” as opposed to planning it? You are sending her all kinds of negative messages you...>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: honestly -
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink... shared this with me last year. After years of him putting glasses in old greasy dishwater in the sink at night, so they could ‘soak’, despite not needing to, and the glasses actually being thrifted vintage glasses that I loved, and me asking him again and again not to, because I then had to fish them out of greasy cold water before I could do anything else in kitchen in the morning, and it was messy and gross...>>> on Forum topic - How do you deal with the constant disappointment?
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by: NorthCountryBoy -
You don't know anything about my wife's point of view. You presume you do. I talk to my wife. We've discussed many of these issues without there being anything like the conflict between you and I because we've done work to try and avoid making assumptions about one another as best we can. I don't like what you have to say because it's inaccurate and it doesn't take into account the realities of the situation. Further, I haven't insulted you. I've accused you of things that I believe to be...>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: sickandtired -
Everything I said was in good faith. Just because you disagree does not change my motivation for trying to help you. Good for the other poster. He said he’s an adhd guy in the same boat as you. Of course you can relate to him! I am coming from your wife’s point of view, and you just don’t like what I have to say. All of your behaviors, including the personal insults and accusations you wrote here today, are YOUR choices, and YOUR responsibility.>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: NorthCountryBoy -
Thanks for the thorough response. I appreciate what you've said, and I definitely am feeling like perhaps we've both been missing trying to build the connection between us instead of trying to mitigate ADHD symptoms, which is important but not the entirety of the work of repairing. It definitely seems like there are some people here who just want to heap blame on the ADHD spouse and turn them into a villain. I'm dealing with that right now with another user.>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: NorthCountryBoy -
Read StayHopeful's response if you want an example of a reply in good faith. Vehemently defending oneself against malicious mischaracterization is not "playing the victim.">>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: NorthCountryBoy -
I am/have: 1. Treating my symptoms with medication 2. Treating my symptoms with individual therapy 3. Making tangible improvements in day-to-day reliability and trustworthiness that have been acknowledged by my spouse, my individual therapist, and our couples therapist 4. I have acknowledged in couples therapy and individual conversations with my wife that my past actions have caused hurt. I have not denied that I did those things or that I want to treat my symptoms better so as to...>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: sickandtired -
Everything I said was in good faith! Quit playing like a victim.>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: sickandtired -
If you expect her to fix your symptoms and your marriage, then you will be very disappointed. She’s told you what she needs…. She needs accountability and an acknowledgement from you regarding how much your behaviors have hurt her. You seem to think you’ve done enough after 6 months of therapy. Obviously, she doesn’t. Try to look at yourself and see just how defensive and accusatory you’ve been toward me, a total stranger. Like I said before, your arguing or conflict resolution style could stand some...>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: NorthCountryBoy -
I'm not able to easily read or respond to your comments now that the replies have become formatted oddly due to the number of responses we've had to each other. But I will point out that you've again ignored the quote I posted. Is it "normal" for spouse to react poorly when the reliability and dependability they expect aren't there? Possibly, but also, it's possible to amend those responses if what the expectations are change. For example, if a spouse expects their ADHD spouse to be reliable...>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: sickandtired -
You had adhd before you met her, and you will still have adhd after she’s gone. I’m talking about your behaviors, not her reactions to them. Spouses normally expect reliability and honesty from each other. So if you are not reliable, and she reacts negatively to your behavior, that’s a normal response from her. If it’s not what you would like, that’s on you, not her. Remember the term “garbage in, garbage out”? If you treat your spouse badly for years, you’re likely to have a troubled relationship....>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: NorthCountryBoy -
Responding to your last question here because the thread has gotten too narrow for me to click "Reply". I'm not going to claim that my behavior is due to my wife. I will quote from Melissa's book though: "While the tendency is to blame ADHD for all of your problems, this is not actually the case. ADHD symptoms create unexpected, and often insidious, stresses on marriage, as well as many misunderstandings. The destruction comes form a full pattern, though--one that includes the symptoms, the...>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: sickandtired -
Then tell me how your behavior is HER fault?????>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: NorthCountryBoy -
"That you are responsible for breaking." Here it is. Finally it's in the open. You think an ADHD person is solely to blame for "breaking" the heart of their spouse. No wonder then that you're so quick to project.>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: NorthCountryBoy -
No, I'm afraid of wasting their time like you've wasted mine. It's interesting that you assume I haven't brought up thier anger I've been talking about to my therapist. It's indicative of how you have a pre-decided idea of what my behavior is like that you're unwilling to divert from. I have said almost exactly what I initially posted to my therapist before.>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: sickandtired -
If I’m wasting your time, why do you keep replying? You don’t seem to realize how much work it takes to mend a heart that you are responsible for breaking.>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: NorthCountryBoy -
Removed.>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: NorthCountryBoy -
Removed.>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: sickandtired -
I guess since you’re removing your replies means that you’re NOT going to show this thread to your therapist? Afraid of what they might say about it????>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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