Weekly Marriage Tips

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“The Kinsey Institute recently conducted an international survey of more than 1,000 middle-age couples who had, on average, been together 25 years…One “striking” finding, to borrow the report’s own word, was a very strong connection between a man’s relationship satisfaction and his frequency of physical intimacy.  Not physical intimacy as in sex, but physical intimacy as in kissing, cuddling, and general, not necessarily sexual, caressing.  The odds of a man being happy in his relationship increased by a factor of three if he snuggled up regularly.”

- Eric Jaffe, from “What Men Want”, Mar/April 2012 Psychology Today
 

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Are men happier because they are more intimate, or are they more intimate because they are happier?  We may not know…but experimenting to find out if more touching and cuddling in your relationship can make you both happier sure sounds like fun!

Bolstered by no less an expert than the Kinsey Institute, why not take the next month to look for excuses to cuddle and touch?  Here are some basic ideas:

    •    Even if you have different biological clocks, set some “sacred time” around the bedtime of the earlier-to-bed partner. Use that time to cuddle, hold each other, or just read a book side by side (while touching, of course), and don’t forget to read a few funny passages to your partner!
    •    Go for walks and hold hands
    •    Sneak up behind your partner and kiss her on the neck
    •    Stroke your partner’s hair
    •    Cuddle under a blanket while watching a "feel good" movie
    •    Ask for a booth, and sit side-by-side the next time you go out for dinner
    •    Anything that sounds fun…and gives you an excuse to touch your partner or cuddle

© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“The second rule of improvisation is not only to say ‘yes’, but 'YES, AND'…To me, YES, AND means don’t be afraid to contribute.  It’s your responsibility to contribute.  Always make sure you are adding something to the discussion.”

-Tina Fey, from Bossypants

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Relationships are a like improv – you never know what exactly is coming your way…and the success of the interaction depends upon a thousand little back and forths.  Within this context, the word “yes” is powerful.  The combination “YES, AND” is powerful times ten.  You only need to hear your spouse say “yes, dear...” in that dismissive voice you hate (at least I do!) to know that “yes” does not equal involvement.  “Yes, and” demonstrates “I’ve heard you, I’m interested in what you’re saying, and I’m involved enough to want to continue the conversation.”

Fey uses “yes, and” as a way of continuing an improv skit in whatever direction comes to mind and makes it more interesting.  Couples can use it as a way to stay connected and show they care.  Try it!
 

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  YOU CAN STILL SIGN UP UNTIL APRIL 28TH AND CATCH UP BY LISTENING TO THE FIRST SESSION RECORDING.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“She’s got gaps.  I got gaps.  Together we fill gaps”.

- Rocky Balboa

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Do you dream of the perfect spouse?  If so, have you ever taken the time to think about whether you yourself are a “perfect spouse”?  What I often see, particularly when couples first come to work with me, is that each wishes the other would change, while forgiving their own short-comings because they understand them.  A typical example is the nagging, critical wife who wants her husband to be less angry or more reliable.  Or the ADHD partner who thinks not contributing around the house is "just the way it is."

Instead of demanding change of just your partner, assume that you both have reasons to be the way that you are – you both have “gaps” and issues – and both need to change.  Then, work to understand those reasons (use learning conversations).  The process looks something like this:
1.    Assume there is a reason – biological or emotional – for your partner’s behavior, just like there are reasons for your own.
2.    Target one or two important issues for you, and find out what your partner’s opinions are about those issues, using learning conversations (stay open – just because it’s not ‘logical’ to you doesn’t mean it’s not logical to your partner)  Respect what your partner says and take it seriously.  Don’t just brush it off because it doesn’t fit your needs or view.
3.    Determine whether there is middle ground and you can come to a compromise on the issue or whether you will never be able to compromise on it, in which case you need to create a “work around” (some suggest that about 80% of the big issues couples face are unresolvable).
4.    Create a plan, and act accordingly.

We all have gaps.  Accommodating someone in reasonable ways creates a stronger relationship than “fixing” their problems.  (And note – that DOES NOT mean ‘giving in’ on things that are important to you!)

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“…the press corps thinks that if I’m not spending enough time with them I must be cold and aloof.  The fact is, I’ve got a 13-year-old daughter, and so, no, Michelle and I don’t do the social scene, because as busy as we are, we have a limited amount of time, and we want to be good parents at a time that’s vitally important to our kids”.

- President Barack Obama

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I am often asked about life balance questions.  How do you get enough done at work while also still meeting the emotional needs of your family?  The answer to this comes in setting boundaries.  With very few exceptions, which mostly happen when you are just entering the work force and are often single, anyway, your co-workers respect the setting boundaries around home life.

Here are some examples of boundaries between office and home that might work for you:

• Be home for family dinner at least 4 nights a week (including weekends).  This might mean giving the kids a snack and eating together a bit later.  Family dinner has a very strong correlation with a child’s success in school and ability to articulate their needs as they grow up
• Date night with your spouse every other week (get a sitter) – critical for nurturing your relationship!
• Set aside specific times for work on the weekends that don’t interfere with the family time you and your spouse agree is most important (might be with kids or dating time). Tell your subordinates and co-workers that you will only be working sporadically on the weekends, and only on time-critical stuff.  If they have a true emergency, they should (of course) call you (no emails).
• Don’t read your emails as they come in on the weekend.  “bunch” them for that time when you are working.
• Kids’ bedtime (stories!), Scouts and games are good to set time aside for letting your children see through your actions that you care about them.
• “Sacred time” around bedtime for your and your spouse – don’t work all evening.  If you have to work, spend some time attending to your spouse and then work at a time when he or she is unavailable to you (doing a chore, etc) or asleep.

Sadly, the concept of “quality time” with kids is something of a myth.  You need to block out “quantity time” and then find “quality time” within those hours.

As they say, few look back on their life and says “I wish I had worked harder.”  Many look back and say they wish they had connected better with family.  If the President of the United States can put aside his job at certain times for his family, so can you.

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“You can only change yourself.  But when you do, isn’t it funny how everybody around you changes, too?”

-Steven Tyler

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The Way You Change Others

One of the great myths of courtship is that you will get married and be able to “change” your partner in ways that please you.  How many frustrated partners have discovered that they can in no way change their spouse?!

The only person you can change is yourself, but Steve Tyler’s observation above is correct.  When you change yourself, others adjust to the changes you make.  Sometimes that adjustment is in the negative, but most often I see that it’s in the positive.  You control your anger, for example, and your partner calms down, too.

So I always recommend to couples that they seek to be the best person they, themselves, can be and make the changes in themselves that are needed to get there.  Be supportive, loving, respectful – be all the things you value.  It will encourage your partner to follow suit.  And if he or she doesn’t?  When you are at your best it’s much easier to go to your partner and ask them to make the changes in themselves that you would appreciate.  You set the tone for a better relationship.  It’s harder for a partner to justify continued anger in the face of your calm, for example.

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

(Man in flower shop, talking with woman at the counter) “I need something that says ‘I’m sorry about that thing I said that caused you to totally overreact’”.

- New Yorker cartoon


 

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What’s an Apology?!

I laughed out loud when I saw this cartoon!  I bet there isn’t a single person among you who hasn’t experienced – or provided – this type of maddening apology!

A really good apology is simple to define, harder to implement:
-    It’s heartfelt
-    It contains no caveats

If you apologize like this “I’m sorry that I hurt you, but you really made me mad,” you aren’t really apologizing at all.  Next time, don’t qualify or justify.  Just say “I’m really sorry I hurt you.”  Then, for added emphasis, add “What can I do to make it better?”  Better yet, add a hug or some gesture of comfort or remorse into the mix.

Your apology will be better appreciated.  And, you’ll already have sewn the seeds for starting to move past the problem that initiated the conflict in the first place with your “repairing” willingness to listen and learn.

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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Working to Be Creative

A good marriage is as much a work of art as a good painting.  And like artwork, we sometimes think that marriage ought to somehow “just flow” out of who we are.  Yet, as the quotes above attest, great art is actually the result of significant work and practice.  Like Michelangelo, you work and experiment to gain mastery of your relationship.

What would happen if you thought of your relationship like a work of art?  Might that help you think creatively about the “artwork” you would like to end up with?  To inspire you to put in the hours of hard labor needed to make it right without resenting the need to do so?  Perhaps to think of our emotions and connections as a “palette” that we will mix in our own unique ways to create beauty?

Okay, I admit I studied art history in college, but I find this idea – that we have the ability to create works of beauty in our relationships through our diligence and craftsmanship - inspiring!

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“We are what we repeatedly do.  Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit”.

- Aristotle
 

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The Habit of Excellence

When I work with adults with ADHD I impress upon them that one of their top priorities is to create whatever structures and habits they need to become reliable in their relationship. For many that means taking ADHD medications, plus creating external structures that remind them to do things (such as setting cell phone reminders), plus working with their spouse to carefully coordinate expectations, priorities and timetables.

With effort, they find they can reliably hold up their end of the partnership’s responsibilities – fun or not – often for the first time. This frees the couple to focus on more positive things – such as having fun together, cherishing their family, and pursuing their dreams.

Their efforts are rewarded biologically, as well.  The brain works in a "use it or lose it" way - by creating repeatable habits, we "strengthen" our brain to help us do it more easily in the future.

We are, as Aristotle suggests, what we repeatedly do.  And becoming reliable on the mundane allows time to “repeatedly do” what’s really important - connect and enjoy each other.  That’s what I call “excellence".

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov