Weekly Marriage Tips

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Get in the habit of saying what you want rather than what you don’t want.”

- Diane Sollee
 Director, Smartmarriages.com

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SIGN UP FOR MY LIVE COUPLES COURSE THAT STARTS JANUARY 7 - RIGHT NOW REGISTRATION IS LOW, SO IT LOOKS AS IF IT WILL BE A SMALLER (AND MORE PERSONAL) CLASS THAN NORMAL...INFORMATION ABOUT THE COURSE IS AT THIS LINK.

© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Build time into your schedules to be together for mini-conversations:  15 minutes together after work to talk about your challenges at work, a morning walk to talk about goals and hopes or meet for lunch or call during the day just to chat.”

-  Dr. Stephen Covey
   The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families

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You don’t need to constantly be together, but a little bit of time together each day is very helpful for feeling connected.  Many couples find that they actually have to create a routine of connection to make this happen.  Examples in my own household include:  my husband and I spend breakfast together – he makes coffee and I make breakfast; we try to eat dinner together; if one of us is out of town we either email or talk via phone to catch up; we try (but don’t always succeed) to go to bed at the same time and read in bed a bit.

These are mundane types of connections, but they give us plenty of time to feel the reassuring warmth and presence of our partner as well as make sure that if something really important comes up there will be multiple times in the day when we can connect around it.

Connecting this way over the busy holidays may be hard, but it's still worth asking the question - When do we normally connect?

You don’t need to constantly be together, but a little bit of time together each day is very helpful for feeling connected.  Many couples find that they actually have to create a routine of connection to make this happen.  Examples in my own household include:  my husband and I spend breakfast together – he makes coffee and I make breakfast; we try to eat dinner together; if one of us is out of town we either email or talk via phone to catch up; we try (but don’t always succeed) to go to bed at the same time and read in bed a bit.

These are mundane types of connections, but they give us plenty of time to feel the reassuring warmth and presence of our partner as well as make sure that if something really important comes up there will be multiple times in the day when we can connect around it.

When do you connect? You don’t need to constantly be together, but a little bit of time together each day is very helpful for feeling connected.  Many couples find that they actually have to create a routine of connection to make this happen.  Examples in my own household include:  my husband and I spend breakfast together – he makes coffee and I make breakfast; we try to eat dinner together; if one of us is out of town we either email or talk via phone to catch up; we try (but don’t always succeed) to go to bed at the same time and read in bed a bit.

These are mundane types of connections, but they give us plenty of time to feel the reassuring warmth and presence of our partner as well as make sure that if something really important comes up there will be multiple times in the day when we can connect around it.

When do you connect?______________________________________________________________________________________

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© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they are on the same side.”

- Zig Ziglar

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NEXT LIVE COUPLES SEMINAR STARTS ON JANUARY 7TH.  THIS COURSE IS A GREAT WAY TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND HAS HELPED MANY DO SO.  DETAILS AND REGISTRATION ARE HERE.

© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Our lives are characterized by moments.”

- Composer John Cage

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I was struck by this quote by John Cage because it so aptly describes his music.  But it also describes a way out of long-standing fighting between partners.  We sometimes get so stuck in thinking about how our partner has “always” done something that we dislike that we forget to notice or comment on the moment when our partner does something “right.”  As an example, I often hear from ADHD partners “I’ve been working really hard to change and have made some good progress – but my partner doesn’t notice it at all!”  This is demotivating, to say the least!

If you have a partner you know is working to change habits that have hurt your relationship, consider thinking of your interaction as a series of moments strung together.  When good moments come, make sure to recognize them as such.  It will make you feel good to do so, and make your partner feel noticed for the hard work he or she is putting in.

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TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A SPECIAL NOVEMBER DISCOUNT OF $50 OFF THE RECORDED COUPLES' SEMINAR HERE!   This special discount ends Friday, November 30 at midnight.

© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“If I want your opinion I’ll give it to you!”

- Character from The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

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Sometimes a statement strikes you as hilarious because it’s so recognizable.  My husband and I both laughed out loud when we heard this one.  (Read it again if you didn't catch the joke...)

Can you guess which one of us might have said something similar?  (In days past, of course!)

© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“When I visualize the passage of time I see before and after and during and everywhere in between all at once, and everything is forever changing.  "My wife can organize a to-do list and prioritize it and carry out each activity one at a time to completion," says Tim. "I approach a to-do list full on, with the chores or activities all needing to be done at once. I call it 'living the matrix.' I feel I can do everything while time stands still for me."”
-    Tim Hanley from a recent ADDitude Magazine article on time and couples

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It can be really hard for non-ADHD spouses to understand the typical ADHD relationship with time.  When you are used to the one-after-the-other linear type of time management, the more fluid approach of those with ADHD is confusing.

ADDitude Magazine recently published an article about differing perspectives on time in ADHD / non-ADHD couples.  If you have time issues in your relationship, it’s worth a read.  Go to this link. 

© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“The person who turns to connections that matter most to him - a friend, a family member, God, a piece of music, an old mentor, a playing field that's full of good memories, a garden, whatever truly matters - will ignite a spark as if flint hit stone.

It is the connection that makes the spark. Neither the flint nor the stone does it on its own.”

- Ned Hallowell

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I like to tell couples that what they need to focus on is their relationship, not their marriage.  This is because it is the many connections that you make between you that strengthen your lives together.  Unfortunately, sometimes “marriage” falls into a place where it’s mostly about logistics – who takes the kids where (and when), how the chores should be divided, etc.

When making a decision, ask yourself “how will my decision impact my relationship with my partner?”  In that way, you focus on connections, rather than stuff…and as Ned says, that’s where the spark is.

© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Though they strive for greatness, most perfectionists are destined for disappointment. The data on perfectionism and actual performance show little payoff in terms of objective achievement,” psychologist Gordon Flett reports.  And when perfectionists do perform exceptionally, he adds, “many evaluate themselves quite harshly and don’t feel especially good about their accomplishments.”  (He continues…) “It’s maladaptive when someone is striving to be a perfect person, but it’s natural to want to be perfect in the one or two areas that matter most to you.”

- Psychology Today, A Field Guide to the Overachiever, Nov/Dec 2011 

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Dr. Ned Hallowell likes to say “don’t try to be perfect - try to be good enough” and I agree with him completely.  Not only is perfectionism an incredibly elusive goal (see the quote above!) but it also takes WAY too much time.

In addition, those who try to do it all may set themselves up for exhaustion and health problems, psychologist Gordon Flett warns.  Working moms who felt they could “have it all” showed more depressive symptoms than those who expected they would have to forgo some aspects of their career or parenting to achieve balance, according to new research from the University of Washington.

One way to lessen this stress is to worry less about "things" and think more about people.  The house doesn't have to be perfectly clean (nor do the kids, for that matter!), and the lawn can wait a bit.  Set realistic goals at work.  Hold yourself to "high enough" standards – those which make you and those around you contented enough – and then go have some fun.  If you start to feel overwhelmed by a backlog of obligations, do two things:  ask for (or hire) help to get those obligations out of the way ASAP, and assess whether you still have too much on your plate - is there something you can ease away from completely?

Bottom line is this - what makes everyone happiest are the times you can spend together, not the obligations you must meet.  So start thinking "good enough" rather than "perfect" and your life will feel more balanced.

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TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A SPECIAL NOVEMBER DISCOUNT OF $50 OFF THE RECORDED COUPLES' SEMINAR HERE!

© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Imagine three gatekeepers standing between you and the actions you want to take…Each of these gatekeepers represents one question:  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?  Is it true?  I check in with these gatekeepers when I’m unsure about my course of action.  If it doesn’t pass one of these gatekeepers, I know I need to rethink my decision.”

- Suze Orman

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Some number of clients have told me they like to use a set of questions such as those Orman talks about when making decisions.  These questions provide moral and personal clarity.

So let’s apply them to the topic of nagging.

Is it kind?  I would argue ‘no.’  In fact, it is unkind to both the ‘nagger’ because it puts him or her in an awkward, unlikeable position and to the ‘naggee’ because it is demeaning and controlling.

Is it necessary?  Though many would say they have resorted to nagging because it is the only way they can assure the completion of a task or get their partner’s attention, the reality is that nagging is NOT necessary.  It is simply one choice for getting a partner to complete something.  A different (and better) choice would be to express what you need to your partner and work with him/her to figure out how to get that done constructively.  (In ADHD impacted couples, this usually includes better treatment of ADHD symptoms…)  In fact, nagging is not only not necessary, it is very destructive to a relationship.  The more you nag, the more your partner tunes you out.

Is it true?  This one may be unanswerable for nagging…proof that not every system can be applied in every instance!

© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Kids with Learning Disabilities are smart.  They just Learn Differently.”.

- Newspaper quote my daughter had on her bulletin board growing up

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My daughter is now 21 and fabulous.  But growing up with both ADHD (inattentive) and a math learning disability meant that she experienced her share of struggles.  Some of the pressure came from other kids – “why can’t you add or multiply better?” and “why can’t you remember to turn in your homework?” and some came from teachers.

We were lucky – she was diagnosed early, and we had many years to work with her to help her understand that she is not just her symptoms – that she was/is smart and talented, and that her symptoms could be managed so they didn’t impede her ability to follow her dreams.

People with learning disabilities (including ADHD) really DO learn and “do” differently.  In order to thrive they often need to set up a system that helps them overcome their symptoms in a way that a parent or a spouse simply can’t imagine because it wouldn’t be logical or work for them.  When I tell adults with ADHD “don’t try harder, try differently” this is what I’m referring to.  You ARE different.  You DO learn differently.  Trying harder in ways that work for others might not work for you.  So set up reminder and planning systems that are logical for the way your ADHD mind works.  Doing it in whatever way works best for you can make all the difference when you want to show the world how smart or talented or special you are because you really do learn – and do – differently.

© 2012 Melissa Orlov