Weekly Marriage Tips

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“You can only change yourself.  But when you do, isn’t it funny how everybody around you changes, too?”

-Steven Tyler

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The Way You Change Others

One of the great myths of courtship is that you will get married and be able to “change” your partner in ways that please you.  How many frustrated partners have discovered that they can in no way change their spouse?!

The only person you can change is yourself, but Steve Tyler’s observation above is correct.  When you change yourself, others adjust to the changes you make.  Sometimes that adjustment is in the negative, but most often I see that it’s in the positive.  You control your anger, for example, and your partner calms down, too.

So I always recommend to couples that they seek to be the best person they, themselves, can be and make the changes in themselves that are needed to get there.  Be supportive, loving, respectful – be all the things you value.  It will encourage your partner to follow suit.  And if he or she doesn’t?  When you are at your best it’s much easier to go to your partner and ask them to make the changes in themselves that you would appreciate.  You set the tone for a better relationship.  It’s harder for a partner to justify continued anger in the face of your calm, for example.

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

(Man in flower shop, talking with woman at the counter) “I need something that says ‘I’m sorry about that thing I said that caused you to totally overreact’”.

- New Yorker cartoon


 

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What’s an Apology?!

I laughed out loud when I saw this cartoon!  I bet there isn’t a single person among you who hasn’t experienced – or provided – this type of maddening apology!

A really good apology is simple to define, harder to implement:
-    It’s heartfelt
-    It contains no caveats

If you apologize like this “I’m sorry that I hurt you, but you really made me mad,” you aren’t really apologizing at all.  Next time, don’t qualify or justify.  Just say “I’m really sorry I hurt you.”  Then, for added emphasis, add “What can I do to make it better?”  Better yet, add a hug or some gesture of comfort or remorse into the mix.

Your apology will be better appreciated.  And, you’ll already have sewn the seeds for starting to move past the problem that initiated the conflict in the first place with your “repairing” willingness to listen and learn.

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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Working to Be Creative

A good marriage is as much a work of art as a good painting.  And like artwork, we sometimes think that marriage ought to somehow “just flow” out of who we are.  Yet, as the quotes above attest, great art is actually the result of significant work and practice.  Like Michelangelo, you work and experiment to gain mastery of your relationship.

What would happen if you thought of your relationship like a work of art?  Might that help you think creatively about the “artwork” you would like to end up with?  To inspire you to put in the hours of hard labor needed to make it right without resenting the need to do so?  Perhaps to think of our emotions and connections as a “palette” that we will mix in our own unique ways to create beauty?

Okay, I admit I studied art history in college, but I find this idea – that we have the ability to create works of beauty in our relationships through our diligence and craftsmanship - inspiring!

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“We are what we repeatedly do.  Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit”.

- Aristotle
 

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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The Habit of Excellence

When I work with adults with ADHD I impress upon them that one of their top priorities is to create whatever structures and habits they need to become reliable in their relationship. For many that means taking ADHD medications, plus creating external structures that remind them to do things (such as setting cell phone reminders), plus working with their spouse to carefully coordinate expectations, priorities and timetables.

With effort, they find they can reliably hold up their end of the partnership’s responsibilities – fun or not – often for the first time. This frees the couple to focus on more positive things – such as having fun together, cherishing their family, and pursuing their dreams.

Their efforts are rewarded biologically, as well.  The brain works in a "use it or lose it" way - by creating repeatable habits, we "strengthen" our brain to help us do it more easily in the future.

We are, as Aristotle suggests, what we repeatedly do.  And becoming reliable on the mundane allows time to “repeatedly do” what’s really important - connect and enjoy each other.  That’s what I call “excellence".

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

"Don’t waste a minute; don’t take anything in your life for granted because life can change in an instant” .

-  My son’s guidance counselor, Jim Griffin, who recently passed away from cancer
 

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Don’t Waste a Minute

In memory of Jim Griffin, who was a kind and generous (and young) man, I wish to remind everyone that getting caught up in the whirl of “stuff” that piles on in our lives often means that we have lost focus.  Do what matters to you.  Live life to its fullest.  Place people before “stuff”.  Cherish the small wonders that life offers you…and the big ones (like your children).  Every day, no matter how hard your life is, find something for which you can be grateful and take a moment to recognize it.

And learn to say “no” to the things that don’t really matter all that much.  Time is finite for all of us.

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“When he lost his job, he became depressed and went to the doctor. It was then he was diagnosed with ADHD. He is taking medication and has taken ownership of the diagnosis. He jokingly says he doesn't remember most of the first half of his life, but he is looking forward to remembering the second half…Getting a diagnosis is such an important step, but we know we still have work to do…It feels great to smile and laugh with my husband again…”
 

- posted to my website

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The Benefits of Knowing About ADHD

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself.”

- button photographed and posted to my Facebook page

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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Life Has No Remote

I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately to the ideas of “active” vs. “passive” and which of my couples are most successful at improving their relationships. There is certainly a correlation – those who have both the energy and inspiration to “get up and change” their lives themselves seem always better off than those who sit back and wait for their partners to change.

This was certainly my experience. At my lowest point, Dr. Hallowell advised me to take control of my own life again and do what I needed to do to be happy and whole once more. This set me on a path of improvement for both myself and, eventually, my family.

But where do you find the energy for this? I found the energy only because I was so low I felt I had no other choice than to take control of my life again. I needed to be better – to be “me” – to be whole. Just like that tv without the remote control – you can sit on the couch and let whatever junk the stations throw at you be your reality…or you can get up off the couch and change the channel.

Turns out, exercising that control feels pretty darned good.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Charisma is not character. A magnetic personality doesn’t necessarily indicate a good heart.”
- Laura Linney

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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Charisma vs. Character

What goes on inside a marriage is often quite different from what it seems on the outside. Charisma, for example, is pretty easy to spot in any neighbor or acquaintance. But is it enough?

Linney would suggest not, and I agree. It’s not how popular or easy-going you are that counts, but whether or not you have the generosity of spirit and actions to sustain warmth between you. That generosity might show itself in odd ways – hanging a new towel up for your partner on a regular basis or perhaps caring for a critically ill pet longer than many might. When a partner has ADHD sometimes a generous spirit is hidden behind the problems that symptoms (particularly distraction) can cause. If your partner is generous in spirit but rarely remembers to show you that generosity, does it count?

I would suggest yes – with this proviso. Having a good heart is a critical component to long-term success in a relationship, as long as you can share it through actions. If you have ADHD and your intentions are not matched by your actions, get treatment so that you can show your partner – without being distracted - just how much you really care.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov