Weekly Marriage Tips

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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Working to Be Creative

A good marriage is as much a work of art as a good painting.  And like artwork, we sometimes think that marriage ought to somehow “just flow” out of who we are.  Yet, as the quotes above attest, great art is actually the result of significant work and practice.  Like Michelangelo, you work and experiment to gain mastery of your relationship.

What would happen if you thought of your relationship like a work of art?  Might that help you think creatively about the “artwork” you would like to end up with?  To inspire you to put in the hours of hard labor needed to make it right without resenting the need to do so?  Perhaps to think of our emotions and connections as a “palette” that we will mix in our own unique ways to create beauty?

Okay, I admit I studied art history in college, but I find this idea – that we have the ability to create works of beauty in our relationships through our diligence and craftsmanship - inspiring!

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“We are what we repeatedly do.  Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit”.

- Aristotle
 

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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The Habit of Excellence

When I work with adults with ADHD I impress upon them that one of their top priorities is to create whatever structures and habits they need to become reliable in their relationship. For many that means taking ADHD medications, plus creating external structures that remind them to do things (such as setting cell phone reminders), plus working with their spouse to carefully coordinate expectations, priorities and timetables.

With effort, they find they can reliably hold up their end of the partnership’s responsibilities – fun or not – often for the first time. This frees the couple to focus on more positive things – such as having fun together, cherishing their family, and pursuing their dreams.

Their efforts are rewarded biologically, as well.  The brain works in a "use it or lose it" way - by creating repeatable habits, we "strengthen" our brain to help us do it more easily in the future.

We are, as Aristotle suggests, what we repeatedly do.  And becoming reliable on the mundane allows time to “repeatedly do” what’s really important - connect and enjoy each other.  That’s what I call “excellence".

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

"Don’t waste a minute; don’t take anything in your life for granted because life can change in an instant” .

-  My son’s guidance counselor, Jim Griffin, who recently passed away from cancer
 

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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Don’t Waste a Minute

In memory of Jim Griffin, who was a kind and generous (and young) man, I wish to remind everyone that getting caught up in the whirl of “stuff” that piles on in our lives often means that we have lost focus.  Do what matters to you.  Live life to its fullest.  Place people before “stuff”.  Cherish the small wonders that life offers you…and the big ones (like your children).  Every day, no matter how hard your life is, find something for which you can be grateful and take a moment to recognize it.

And learn to say “no” to the things that don’t really matter all that much.  Time is finite for all of us.

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“When he lost his job, he became depressed and went to the doctor. It was then he was diagnosed with ADHD. He is taking medication and has taken ownership of the diagnosis. He jokingly says he doesn't remember most of the first half of his life, but he is looking forward to remembering the second half…Getting a diagnosis is such an important step, but we know we still have work to do…It feels great to smile and laugh with my husband again…”
 

- posted to my website

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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The Benefits of Knowing About ADHD

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself.”

- button photographed and posted to my Facebook page

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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Life Has No Remote

I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately to the ideas of “active” vs. “passive” and which of my couples are most successful at improving their relationships. There is certainly a correlation – those who have both the energy and inspiration to “get up and change” their lives themselves seem always better off than those who sit back and wait for their partners to change.

This was certainly my experience. At my lowest point, Dr. Hallowell advised me to take control of my own life again and do what I needed to do to be happy and whole once more. This set me on a path of improvement for both myself and, eventually, my family.

But where do you find the energy for this? I found the energy only because I was so low I felt I had no other choice than to take control of my life again. I needed to be better – to be “me” – to be whole. Just like that tv without the remote control – you can sit on the couch and let whatever junk the stations throw at you be your reality…or you can get up off the couch and change the channel.

Turns out, exercising that control feels pretty darned good.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Charisma is not character. A magnetic personality doesn’t necessarily indicate a good heart.”
- Laura Linney

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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Charisma vs. Character

What goes on inside a marriage is often quite different from what it seems on the outside. Charisma, for example, is pretty easy to spot in any neighbor or acquaintance. But is it enough?

Linney would suggest not, and I agree. It’s not how popular or easy-going you are that counts, but whether or not you have the generosity of spirit and actions to sustain warmth between you. That generosity might show itself in odd ways – hanging a new towel up for your partner on a regular basis or perhaps caring for a critically ill pet longer than many might. When a partner has ADHD sometimes a generous spirit is hidden behind the problems that symptoms (particularly distraction) can cause. If your partner is generous in spirit but rarely remembers to show you that generosity, does it count?

I would suggest yes – with this proviso. Having a good heart is a critical component to long-term success in a relationship, as long as you can share it through actions. If you have ADHD and your intentions are not matched by your actions, get treatment so that you can show your partner – without being distracted - just how much you really care.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“We are doing things with our money that make us happy in the moment, but that’s not always the best strategy for long-term well-being."
         - Michael Norton, Harvard Business School professor who researches the psychology of happiness

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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Focus on the Now or Plan Long-Term?

Watch the budget impasses in Washington today and you might well want to tear your hair out (I do)! But the reality is that many of us have some of that “focus on the now and let the future take care of itself” mentality so rampant in DC. Michael Norton suggests that there are good ways to focus on the now, and not so good ways, when it comes to money.

Specifically, he suggests that spending to satisfy a personal craving – for example to eat fast food or buy a car – doesn’t do much for your long-term well being (not to mention your waistline!) On the other hand, spending money on travel with loved ones, or simply spending time with them, can. These activities strengthen relationships, and research demonstrates strong relationships are key to a healthy life and living longer.

Hmmm...winter vacation with my partner, or a car? Maybe the clunker has a few more years left in it!

MY NEXT COURSE FOR COUPLES STRUGGLING WITH ADHD STARTS ON MONDAY, JANUARY 9TH.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“There’s a message in Gabby for all women. We can’t control the things that happen in our lives, but we can control how we face them”

- Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, about her friend, Representative Gabby Giffords

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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Gabby Giffords and Control

There was a period in my marriage when I guarantee you I would NOT have wanted to be married to me! I was mean, belittling, angry and nagging…with a big chip on my shoulder. ‘How unfair that I ended up with a man who didn’t pay any attention to me,’ I thought!

And then there is Gabby Giffords, whose challenges put my own into perspective.

There is something to learn from her story and, to a lesser degree, from my own. Gabby has shown how true grit, determination, grace and optimism can help you overcome even the most significant odds. For me, deciding to respond differently – to stop nagging; be kind; and be empathetic took its own kind of grit and grace.

Perhaps we don’t all have Gifford’s internal fire, but I’m convinced we do all have the ability to change ourselves so we can all be truly proud of who we are. Giffords teaches us all a lesson – we can’t control what happens to us, but we can certainly control how we respond.

MY NEXT COURSE FOR COUPLES STRUGGLING WITH ADHD STARTS ON MONDAY, JANUARY 9TH.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

I will not be sending out another marriage tip until the New Year.  Time for (everyone) to take a vacation!

© 2011 Melissa Orlov