Weekly Marriage Tips

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“She carries on without a doubt
I wonder if she’s figured out
I’m crazy for this girl…”

- Evan and Jared

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The singer of this song must not have ADHD!  If he did that girl would have NO DOUBT about his feelings!  You have not been courted until you’ve been courted by someone with courtship hyperfocus ADHD!

That hyperfocus is the result of the dopamine rush that infatuation brings.  We all get this rush, but there is a larger gap between “infatuated” and “normal behaviors” for someone with ADHD because normal state is “distracted.”  And chronic distraction feels like “my partner doesn’t love me” to a non-ADHD spouse.

If you have ADHD, schedule (literally) time to attend to your partner without any possible distractions (that includes no phones!!).  Good times are right before bed, weekends and date nights.  Clear your space and mind of everything but your partner.  Blocks of “attend time” will reassure your partner you still love her/him, even if you are often distracted.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“You could be from Venus
I could be from Mars
We could be together
Lovers forever, care for each other”

- Talkie Walkie

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Okay, I admit it!  This is about what I thought marriage was about when I was engaged.  Though I wanted a family I didn’t really think much about the day-to-day work of that.  Though I held a job, I didn’t understand the pressure of balancing job/marriage/children/house/illnesses/chores…

I’m glad I’m wiser now, and have learned I have the strength to do more than just dream…but every once in a while I remind myself (fondly) of just how much fun it was to be more innocent.

Maybe tonight I’ll take a moment to celebrate those old dreams and celebrate what I have now, as well.  What might you celebrate tonight?

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Most unhappy people need to learn just one lesson: how to see themselves through the lens of genuine compassion and treat themselves accordingly…It’s about giving yourself the acceptance, love, and esteem you’d give your best friend.”

- Martha Beck

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We are human, all of us.  We thrive on love.  Too often we think that this means only the love of others when, in fact, loving ourselves is at least as important.  Relationships do better when each person loves him/herself as well as their partner.  What does this mean?  To me it means positioning yourself to thrive.

For each person the tactics for this might be different:  finding a job that’s fulfilling; being the best parent possible; making sublime music; inventing something new; growing the perfect garden and sharing its bounty with loved ones; learning to meditate; journaling to explore and heal hurts; taking the time to read a great book.  The possibilities of how you thrive are almost endless.

How are you loving yourself these days?
 

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Sometimes I get so weary I even freak myself out.
I laugh myself to sleep, it’s my lullaby.
Sometimes I drag so fast just to feel the danger
I want to scream – it makes me feel alive…
I’d rather be anything but ordinary, please.
To walk within the lines would make my life so boring.
I want to know that I have been to the extreme.
So knock me off my feet, come on now give it to me, anything to make me feel alive.”

- Avril Lavigne

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My understanding is that Avril Lavigne has ADHD.  Her description of how she feels in “Anything But Ordinary Please” from her album Let Go is a great description of (probably hyperactive) ADHD.  The thrill and need for speed are all there. 

If your partner has ADHD it’s important to remember that while “fitting in” and getting more organized is useful for your relationship and for succeeding in a world that puts a premium on efficiency, there can be a bittersweet side to it as well.  For a person with ADHD, the less spontaneous life they are often working to create to "get along" with a partner (or at work) feels different and, sometimes, uncomfortable.  Later in the same song Lavigne captures some of what might be lost:

“Let down your defenses, use your common sense.  If you look you will see that this world is beautiful excellent turbulent succulent opulent permanent…I want to taste it, don’t want to waste it…

There is a zest for life in her words!  As you seek to find a good balance between ADHD partner spontaneity and non-ADHD partner organization remember to leave enough space for adventure so you can experience some of that “excellent turbulent succulent opulent” life together.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”

- Corrie ten Boom *

* as quoted in Oprah Magazine

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This is a quote worthy of posting somewhere so you can read it again and again! It seems as if every week I see one or another of my clients, worried about their future (and ignoring the best of what is happening today), make decisions because of their worry that could easily make their future worse!  For example, even though their ADHD partner has had 4 weeks of being on time, they choose to comment about how that partner "rarely" is on time and how hard that is for them.  This discourages, rather than positively reinforces, the spouse who has been trying so hard.

Don't let worry about tomorrow (or the past, for that matter!) sap the strength out of what is happening today!  Focus on the positives and making today better (for example, celebrating the spouse's ability to be on time.)  Not only will today be better, you'll also increase the chances that tomorrow will be better, too.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the nobler art of leaving things undone.”

- Lin Yutang*

*  as quoted in Oprah Magazine

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I used to believe that everything had to be done, and done now.  That led to a lot of exhaustion, as well as conflict with my partner, who was (and still is) more relaxed than I am about these things.

After years of busting my chops, I realized that I was missing out on some of the pure fun of living.  For what?  A neater living room?  The perfectly matched bed linens?  Wearing makeup? 

It turns out that efficiency is only one way to measure success, and when it comes to relationships, not even a very good one.  Connection, laughter and shared experiences are much better.  I thank my husband and my children for teaching me this important lesson.

If you’re too focused on the noble art of getting things done, consider getting only your topmost priorities completed, and leaving the rest so you can hang out and have fun with those you love.

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© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Supervisors don’t want to hear about problems or disabilities – they want to hear about solutions.”

- Dr. Kathleen Nadeau in a speech about ADHD and the workplace

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This was part of a speech Dr. Nadeau gave in Toronto at CADDAC about work and ADHD.  But it reminded me also of couples.  Like your supervisor, your partner doesn’t want to hear about problems, disabilities or frustrations.  Or, more accurately, ONLY hear about them.  Yes, you need to identify your problems – not hold them in.  But after that, your partner wants to hear about solutions.

Like in the workplace, a good way to develop a solution is to be proactive.  Create a plan and discuss it with your partner as something to be reviewed and, possibly, improved.  And, also like work, all good plans have a way to measure their success.  In relationships, this means set objective goals.

And beware.  “Reasons” you didn't get to do something often sound like excuses and won’t get you very far if they are used over and over again.  If you don't meet your objective goals, use it as a learning opportunity to change your approach next time.  "I'll just try harder" typically doesn't work as well as "how can I do this differently to make my approach better?"
 

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Relationships aren’t about finding the right person – they’re about being the right person.”

- Toronto subway sign for the Kabbalah Centre
 

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I was intrigued by this subway sign.  And it made me think about what each of us contributes, each day, to our relationship.  We don’t have control over everything – for example, we don’t have control over our partner.  But we do control much more that we often assume.

You are given about a million chances a day to “be the right person” in your relationship.  Are you taking them?
 

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Trying to motivate yourself with fear is like screaming at a child, ‘Do something, dammit!’”

- Martha Beck

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© 2013 Melissa Orlov