Weekly Marriage Tips

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“She’s got gaps.  I got gaps.  Together we fill gaps”.

- Rocky Balboa

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Do you dream of the perfect spouse?  If so, have you ever taken the time to think about whether you yourself are a “perfect spouse”?  What I often see, particularly when couples first come to work with me, is that each wishes the other would change, while forgiving their own short-comings because they understand them.  A typical example is the nagging, critical wife who wants her husband to be less angry or more reliable.  Or the ADHD partner who thinks not contributing around the house is "just the way it is."

Instead of demanding change of just your partner, assume that you both have reasons to be the way that you are – you both have “gaps” and issues – and both need to change.  Then, work to understand those reasons (use learning conversations).  The process looks something like this:
1.    Assume there is a reason – biological or emotional – for your partner’s behavior, just like there are reasons for your own.
2.    Target one or two important issues for you, and find out what your partner’s opinions are about those issues, using learning conversations (stay open – just because it’s not ‘logical’ to you doesn’t mean it’s not logical to your partner)  Respect what your partner says and take it seriously.  Don’t just brush it off because it doesn’t fit your needs or view.
3.    Determine whether there is middle ground and you can come to a compromise on the issue or whether you will never be able to compromise on it, in which case you need to create a “work around” (some suggest that about 80% of the big issues couples face are unresolvable).
4.    Create a plan, and act accordingly.

We all have gaps.  Accommodating someone in reasonable ways creates a stronger relationship than “fixing” their problems.  (And note – that DOES NOT mean ‘giving in’ on things that are important to you!)

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“…the press corps thinks that if I’m not spending enough time with them I must be cold and aloof.  The fact is, I’ve got a 13-year-old daughter, and so, no, Michelle and I don’t do the social scene, because as busy as we are, we have a limited amount of time, and we want to be good parents at a time that’s vitally important to our kids”.

- President Barack Obama

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I am often asked about life balance questions.  How do you get enough done at work while also still meeting the emotional needs of your family?  The answer to this comes in setting boundaries.  With very few exceptions, which mostly happen when you are just entering the work force and are often single, anyway, your co-workers respect the setting boundaries around home life.

Here are some examples of boundaries between office and home that might work for you:

• Be home for family dinner at least 4 nights a week (including weekends).  This might mean giving the kids a snack and eating together a bit later.  Family dinner has a very strong correlation with a child’s success in school and ability to articulate their needs as they grow up
• Date night with your spouse every other week (get a sitter) – critical for nurturing your relationship!
• Set aside specific times for work on the weekends that don’t interfere with the family time you and your spouse agree is most important (might be with kids or dating time). Tell your subordinates and co-workers that you will only be working sporadically on the weekends, and only on time-critical stuff.  If they have a true emergency, they should (of course) call you (no emails).
• Don’t read your emails as they come in on the weekend.  “bunch” them for that time when you are working.
• Kids’ bedtime (stories!), Scouts and games are good to set time aside for letting your children see through your actions that you care about them.
• “Sacred time” around bedtime for your and your spouse – don’t work all evening.  If you have to work, spend some time attending to your spouse and then work at a time when he or she is unavailable to you (doing a chore, etc) or asleep.

Sadly, the concept of “quality time” with kids is something of a myth.  You need to block out “quantity time” and then find “quality time” within those hours.

As they say, few look back on their life and says “I wish I had worked harder.”  Many look back and say they wish they had connected better with family.  If the President of the United States can put aside his job at certain times for his family, so can you.

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“You can only change yourself.  But when you do, isn’t it funny how everybody around you changes, too?”

-Steven Tyler

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The Way You Change Others

One of the great myths of courtship is that you will get married and be able to “change” your partner in ways that please you.  How many frustrated partners have discovered that they can in no way change their spouse?!

The only person you can change is yourself, but Steve Tyler’s observation above is correct.  When you change yourself, others adjust to the changes you make.  Sometimes that adjustment is in the negative, but most often I see that it’s in the positive.  You control your anger, for example, and your partner calms down, too.

So I always recommend to couples that they seek to be the best person they, themselves, can be and make the changes in themselves that are needed to get there.  Be supportive, loving, respectful – be all the things you value.  It will encourage your partner to follow suit.  And if he or she doesn’t?  When you are at your best it’s much easier to go to your partner and ask them to make the changes in themselves that you would appreciate.  You set the tone for a better relationship.  It’s harder for a partner to justify continued anger in the face of your calm, for example.

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

(Man in flower shop, talking with woman at the counter) “I need something that says ‘I’m sorry about that thing I said that caused you to totally overreact’”.

- New Yorker cartoon


 

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What’s an Apology?!

I laughed out loud when I saw this cartoon!  I bet there isn’t a single person among you who hasn’t experienced – or provided – this type of maddening apology!

A really good apology is simple to define, harder to implement:
-    It’s heartfelt
-    It contains no caveats

If you apologize like this “I’m sorry that I hurt you, but you really made me mad,” you aren’t really apologizing at all.  Next time, don’t qualify or justify.  Just say “I’m really sorry I hurt you.”  Then, for added emphasis, add “What can I do to make it better?”  Better yet, add a hug or some gesture of comfort or remorse into the mix.

Your apology will be better appreciated.  And, you’ll already have sewn the seeds for starting to move past the problem that initiated the conflict in the first place with your “repairing” willingness to listen and learn.

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

Dr. Hallowell's website and sign-up for Hallowell Connections Newsletter

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Working to Be Creative

A good marriage is as much a work of art as a good painting.  And like artwork, we sometimes think that marriage ought to somehow “just flow” out of who we are.  Yet, as the quotes above attest, great art is actually the result of significant work and practice.  Like Michelangelo, you work and experiment to gain mastery of your relationship.

What would happen if you thought of your relationship like a work of art?  Might that help you think creatively about the “artwork” you would like to end up with?  To inspire you to put in the hours of hard labor needed to make it right without resenting the need to do so?  Perhaps to think of our emotions and connections as a “palette” that we will mix in our own unique ways to create beauty?

Okay, I admit I studied art history in college, but I find this idea – that we have the ability to create works of beauty in our relationships through our diligence and craftsmanship - inspiring!

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“We are what we repeatedly do.  Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit”.

- Aristotle
 

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The Habit of Excellence

When I work with adults with ADHD I impress upon them that one of their top priorities is to create whatever structures and habits they need to become reliable in their relationship. For many that means taking ADHD medications, plus creating external structures that remind them to do things (such as setting cell phone reminders), plus working with their spouse to carefully coordinate expectations, priorities and timetables.

With effort, they find they can reliably hold up their end of the partnership’s responsibilities – fun or not – often for the first time. This frees the couple to focus on more positive things – such as having fun together, cherishing their family, and pursuing their dreams.

Their efforts are rewarded biologically, as well.  The brain works in a "use it or lose it" way - by creating repeatable habits, we "strengthen" our brain to help us do it more easily in the future.

We are, as Aristotle suggests, what we repeatedly do.  And becoming reliable on the mundane allows time to “repeatedly do” what’s really important - connect and enjoy each other.  That’s what I call “excellence".

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

"Don’t waste a minute; don’t take anything in your life for granted because life can change in an instant” .

-  My son’s guidance counselor, Jim Griffin, who recently passed away from cancer
 

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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Don’t Waste a Minute

In memory of Jim Griffin, who was a kind and generous (and young) man, I wish to remind everyone that getting caught up in the whirl of “stuff” that piles on in our lives often means that we have lost focus.  Do what matters to you.  Live life to its fullest.  Place people before “stuff”.  Cherish the small wonders that life offers you…and the big ones (like your children).  Every day, no matter how hard your life is, find something for which you can be grateful and take a moment to recognize it.

And learn to say “no” to the things that don’t really matter all that much.  Time is finite for all of us.

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov