Weekly Marriage Tips

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Our lives are characterized by moments.”

- Composer John Cage

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I was struck by this quote by John Cage because it so aptly describes his music.  But it also describes a way out of long-standing fighting between partners.  We sometimes get so stuck in thinking about how our partner has “always” done something that we dislike that we forget to notice or comment on the moment when our partner does something “right.”  As an example, I often hear from ADHD partners “I’ve been working really hard to change and have made some good progress – but my partner doesn’t notice it at all!”  This is demotivating, to say the least!

If you have a partner you know is working to change habits that have hurt your relationship, consider thinking of your interaction as a series of moments strung together.  When good moments come, make sure to recognize them as such.  It will make you feel good to do so, and make your partner feel noticed for the hard work he or she is putting in.

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© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“If I want your opinion I’ll give it to you!”

- Character from The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

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Sometimes a statement strikes you as hilarious because it’s so recognizable.  My husband and I both laughed out loud when we heard this one.  (Read it again if you didn't catch the joke...)

Can you guess which one of us might have said something similar?  (In days past, of course!)

© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“When I visualize the passage of time I see before and after and during and everywhere in between all at once, and everything is forever changing.  "My wife can organize a to-do list and prioritize it and carry out each activity one at a time to completion," says Tim. "I approach a to-do list full on, with the chores or activities all needing to be done at once. I call it 'living the matrix.' I feel I can do everything while time stands still for me."”
-    Tim Hanley from a recent ADDitude Magazine article on time and couples

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It can be really hard for non-ADHD spouses to understand the typical ADHD relationship with time.  When you are used to the one-after-the-other linear type of time management, the more fluid approach of those with ADHD is confusing.

ADDitude Magazine recently published an article about differing perspectives on time in ADHD / non-ADHD couples.  If you have time issues in your relationship, it’s worth a read.  Go to this link. 

© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“The person who turns to connections that matter most to him - a friend, a family member, God, a piece of music, an old mentor, a playing field that's full of good memories, a garden, whatever truly matters - will ignite a spark as if flint hit stone.

It is the connection that makes the spark. Neither the flint nor the stone does it on its own.”

- Ned Hallowell

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I like to tell couples that what they need to focus on is their relationship, not their marriage.  This is because it is the many connections that you make between you that strengthen your lives together.  Unfortunately, sometimes “marriage” falls into a place where it’s mostly about logistics – who takes the kids where (and when), how the chores should be divided, etc.

When making a decision, ask yourself “how will my decision impact my relationship with my partner?”  In that way, you focus on connections, rather than stuff…and as Ned says, that’s where the spark is.

© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Though they strive for greatness, most perfectionists are destined for disappointment. The data on perfectionism and actual performance show little payoff in terms of objective achievement,” psychologist Gordon Flett reports.  And when perfectionists do perform exceptionally, he adds, “many evaluate themselves quite harshly and don’t feel especially good about their accomplishments.”  (He continues…) “It’s maladaptive when someone is striving to be a perfect person, but it’s natural to want to be perfect in the one or two areas that matter most to you.”

- Psychology Today, A Field Guide to the Overachiever, Nov/Dec 2011 

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Dr. Ned Hallowell likes to say “don’t try to be perfect - try to be good enough” and I agree with him completely.  Not only is perfectionism an incredibly elusive goal (see the quote above!) but it also takes WAY too much time.

In addition, those who try to do it all may set themselves up for exhaustion and health problems, psychologist Gordon Flett warns.  Working moms who felt they could “have it all” showed more depressive symptoms than those who expected they would have to forgo some aspects of their career or parenting to achieve balance, according to new research from the University of Washington.

One way to lessen this stress is to worry less about "things" and think more about people.  The house doesn't have to be perfectly clean (nor do the kids, for that matter!), and the lawn can wait a bit.  Set realistic goals at work.  Hold yourself to "high enough" standards – those which make you and those around you contented enough – and then go have some fun.  If you start to feel overwhelmed by a backlog of obligations, do two things:  ask for (or hire) help to get those obligations out of the way ASAP, and assess whether you still have too much on your plate - is there something you can ease away from completely?

Bottom line is this - what makes everyone happiest are the times you can spend together, not the obligations you must meet.  So start thinking "good enough" rather than "perfect" and your life will feel more balanced.

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© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Imagine three gatekeepers standing between you and the actions you want to take…Each of these gatekeepers represents one question:  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?  Is it true?  I check in with these gatekeepers when I’m unsure about my course of action.  If it doesn’t pass one of these gatekeepers, I know I need to rethink my decision.”

- Suze Orman

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Some number of clients have told me they like to use a set of questions such as those Orman talks about when making decisions.  These questions provide moral and personal clarity.

So let’s apply them to the topic of nagging.

Is it kind?  I would argue ‘no.’  In fact, it is unkind to both the ‘nagger’ because it puts him or her in an awkward, unlikeable position and to the ‘naggee’ because it is demeaning and controlling.

Is it necessary?  Though many would say they have resorted to nagging because it is the only way they can assure the completion of a task or get their partner’s attention, the reality is that nagging is NOT necessary.  It is simply one choice for getting a partner to complete something.  A different (and better) choice would be to express what you need to your partner and work with him/her to figure out how to get that done constructively.  (In ADHD impacted couples, this usually includes better treatment of ADHD symptoms…)  In fact, nagging is not only not necessary, it is very destructive to a relationship.  The more you nag, the more your partner tunes you out.

Is it true?  This one may be unanswerable for nagging…proof that not every system can be applied in every instance!

© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Kids with Learning Disabilities are smart.  They just Learn Differently.”.

- Newspaper quote my daughter had on her bulletin board growing up

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My daughter is now 21 and fabulous.  But growing up with both ADHD (inattentive) and a math learning disability meant that she experienced her share of struggles.  Some of the pressure came from other kids – “why can’t you add or multiply better?” and “why can’t you remember to turn in your homework?” and some came from teachers.

We were lucky – she was diagnosed early, and we had many years to work with her to help her understand that she is not just her symptoms – that she was/is smart and talented, and that her symptoms could be managed so they didn’t impede her ability to follow her dreams.

People with learning disabilities (including ADHD) really DO learn and “do” differently.  In order to thrive they often need to set up a system that helps them overcome their symptoms in a way that a parent or a spouse simply can’t imagine because it wouldn’t be logical or work for them.  When I tell adults with ADHD “don’t try harder, try differently” this is what I’m referring to.  You ARE different.  You DO learn differently.  Trying harder in ways that work for others might not work for you.  So set up reminder and planning systems that are logical for the way your ADHD mind works.  Doing it in whatever way works best for you can make all the difference when you want to show the world how smart or talented or special you are because you really do learn – and do – differently.

© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Attend to business another day, nurture your love life.”

- Chinese fortune cookie

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I love it when I get a fortune like this one!  (Further proof that the small things in life can make you happy!)
Let’s face it, there’s a never ending list of tasks that qualify as the “business of running our lives” – laundry, mowing the lawn, filling out health insurance forms, writing a business report, paying bills, repairing your house or watch or blouse or…

While these things aren’t unimportant (the bills do need to be paid eventually) when it comes to marriage, NOTHING is as important as nurturing your love life.  The mistake that’s too easy to make is to pay attention to the “business” because it is so tangible, while letting the nurturing go when we run out of time because it has no deadline.

I encourage couples to think of nurturing as a critical activity – and if they need to schedule it and create deadlines for it to make the nurturing happen, why not do so?  Put it at the top of your “to do” list for just one month so that you have some happy nurturing time together each day and see what great things happen to your love.

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© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Making your emotional well-being dependent on what someone else says or does creates a vicious trap for both of you because you now have someone to blame when things don’t go your way.  From this point forward you have virtually volunteered to be a victim in your own life.

A better strategy for helping rather than hindering a healthy relationship is to accept full responsibility for everything you think and feel.   Past a certain point it hardly matters what your partner says or does unless you are able to be an effective shepherd of your own thoughts and emotions.  The likelihood that you will enjoy a satisfying long-term partnership generally depends less on your relationship with another person and more on your relationship with yourself.   While this may seem like a simple concept, it’s one of the most challenging and ongoing tasks you will ever face.”

- Bill Herring, therapist

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When I work with couples, one of the first things I try to do is get them away from thinking about how much their partner is contributing to their troubles and towards their own contribution and actions.  This isn’t done because I think their partner isn’t an issue – when a relationship breaks down both partners always play a role.  The reason I focus spouses on themselves is that the only person they can change is themselves.

In fact, good couples therapy is all about:
1.) getting each individual to clearly see their own their weaknesses and strengths;
2.) creating a shared vision of the future and
3.) creating a plan to fulfill that vision. 

No one says they wish to create a future in which they are miserable or dependent upon their partner, so taking the steps for improving your relationship with yourself is always part of the plan we create.  I write about the process I used to do this in the “Setting Boundaries and Finding Your Own Voice” chapter of my book.

Herring’s words are wise…and well worth pondering as you think about your own life.

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© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.”

- Anais Nin

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It is human nature to assume that the world around us exists as we ourselves see it and experience it.  What other perspective would we have?

This gets us into trouble, though, particularly when we start making assumptions about how our spouses will react – to us, to things we do together, and particularly to how they feel.  Something that makes you really happy might be completely boring to your partner and vice versa.  A comment that seems neutral or even helpful to you might feel very hurtful to your partner. 

What to do about this?  First, listen carefully to your partner’s words and probe (politely) to better understand how your partner feels about, and experiences, things the two of you share together.  Second, make no assumptions.  ASK your partner whether she prefers a concert over a movie on a particular evening or enjoyed being with your family as much as you did.  Ask your partner if he is confused or hurt or happy.  Third, be open about what you want and what your experience is, thereby helping your partner to better understand your preferences and feelings.  In other words, be as transparent in your relationship as you can be.

As always, when doing this, make sure to remain respectful.  Transparency is not a license to dump your hard feelings on your partner in an angry or hurtful way.

Transparency won’t change the fact that we all see things through our own particular lens.  It will, however, help us make fewer mistakes when figuring out how to happily live together.

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© 2012 Melissa Orlov