Weekly Marriage Tips

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Sometimes I get so weary I even freak myself out.
I laugh myself to sleep, it’s my lullaby.
Sometimes I drag so fast just to feel the danger
I want to scream – it makes me feel alive…
I’d rather be anything but ordinary, please.
To walk within the lines would make my life so boring.
I want to know that I have been to the extreme.
So knock me off my feet, come on now give it to me, anything to make me feel alive.”

- Avril Lavigne

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My understanding is that Avril Lavigne has ADHD.  Her description of how she feels in “Anything But Ordinary Please” from her album Let Go is a great description of (probably hyperactive) ADHD.  The thrill and need for speed are all there. 

If your partner has ADHD it’s important to remember that while “fitting in” and getting more organized is useful for your relationship and for succeeding in a world that puts a premium on efficiency, there can be a bittersweet side to it as well.  For a person with ADHD, the less spontaneous life they are often working to create to "get along" with a partner (or at work) feels different and, sometimes, uncomfortable.  Later in the same song Lavigne captures some of what might be lost:

“Let down your defenses, use your common sense.  If you look you will see that this world is beautiful excellent turbulent succulent opulent permanent…I want to taste it, don’t want to waste it…

There is a zest for life in her words!  As you seek to find a good balance between ADHD partner spontaneity and non-ADHD partner organization remember to leave enough space for adventure so you can experience some of that “excellent turbulent succulent opulent” life together.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”

- Corrie ten Boom *

* as quoted in Oprah Magazine

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This is a quote worthy of posting somewhere so you can read it again and again! It seems as if every week I see one or another of my clients, worried about their future (and ignoring the best of what is happening today), make decisions because of their worry that could easily make their future worse!  For example, even though their ADHD partner has had 4 weeks of being on time, they choose to comment about how that partner "rarely" is on time and how hard that is for them.  This discourages, rather than positively reinforces, the spouse who has been trying so hard.

Don't let worry about tomorrow (or the past, for that matter!) sap the strength out of what is happening today!  Focus on the positives and making today better (for example, celebrating the spouse's ability to be on time.)  Not only will today be better, you'll also increase the chances that tomorrow will be better, too.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the nobler art of leaving things undone.”

- Lin Yutang*

*  as quoted in Oprah Magazine

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I used to believe that everything had to be done, and done now.  That led to a lot of exhaustion, as well as conflict with my partner, who was (and still is) more relaxed than I am about these things.

After years of busting my chops, I realized that I was missing out on some of the pure fun of living.  For what?  A neater living room?  The perfectly matched bed linens?  Wearing makeup? 

It turns out that efficiency is only one way to measure success, and when it comes to relationships, not even a very good one.  Connection, laughter and shared experiences are much better.  I thank my husband and my children for teaching me this important lesson.

If you’re too focused on the noble art of getting things done, consider getting only your topmost priorities completed, and leaving the rest so you can hang out and have fun with those you love.

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© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Supervisors don’t want to hear about problems or disabilities – they want to hear about solutions.”

- Dr. Kathleen Nadeau in a speech about ADHD and the workplace

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This was part of a speech Dr. Nadeau gave in Toronto at CADDAC about work and ADHD.  But it reminded me also of couples.  Like your supervisor, your partner doesn’t want to hear about problems, disabilities or frustrations.  Or, more accurately, ONLY hear about them.  Yes, you need to identify your problems – not hold them in.  But after that, your partner wants to hear about solutions.

Like in the workplace, a good way to develop a solution is to be proactive.  Create a plan and discuss it with your partner as something to be reviewed and, possibly, improved.  And, also like work, all good plans have a way to measure their success.  In relationships, this means set objective goals.

And beware.  “Reasons” you didn't get to do something often sound like excuses and won’t get you very far if they are used over and over again.  If you don't meet your objective goals, use it as a learning opportunity to change your approach next time.  "I'll just try harder" typically doesn't work as well as "how can I do this differently to make my approach better?"
 

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Relationships aren’t about finding the right person – they’re about being the right person.”

- Toronto subway sign for the Kabbalah Centre
 

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I was intrigued by this subway sign.  And it made me think about what each of us contributes, each day, to our relationship.  We don’t have control over everything – for example, we don’t have control over our partner.  But we do control much more that we often assume.

You are given about a million chances a day to “be the right person” in your relationship.  Are you taking them?
 

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Trying to motivate yourself with fear is like screaming at a child, ‘Do something, dammit!’”

- Martha Beck

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© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.”

- Maya Angelou

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© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Our culture, grounded in empirical science and the European Romantic tradition, sees material wealth and/or the perfect love as the keys to happiness.  That’s why so many relationships disintegrate over monetary arguments or the accusation “you stopped making me happy!”

- Martha Beck

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• Constructively express what you want and need from your partner in positive terms.  Be patient, consistent and persistent in this effort
• Start looking to yourself to see what you can do to improve your own health and happiness.  You might consider diet, exercise, sleep, new hobbies, strengthened connections, to name a few
• Note and applaud any positive steps your partner makes.  Don’t be stingy in this effort, but don’t fake it, either

Ultimately, YOU are responsible for your own happiness.  These steps will both make you feel happier with yourself, and help you continue to press your case for what you need.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Chains do not hold a marriage together.  It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years.”

- Simone Signoret

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© 2013 Melissa Orlov