Weekly Marriage Tips

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.”

- Maya Angelou

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© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Our culture, grounded in empirical science and the European Romantic tradition, sees material wealth and/or the perfect love as the keys to happiness.  That’s why so many relationships disintegrate over monetary arguments or the accusation “you stopped making me happy!”

- Martha Beck

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• Constructively express what you want and need from your partner in positive terms.  Be patient, consistent and persistent in this effort
• Start looking to yourself to see what you can do to improve your own health and happiness.  You might consider diet, exercise, sleep, new hobbies, strengthened connections, to name a few
• Note and applaud any positive steps your partner makes.  Don’t be stingy in this effort, but don’t fake it, either

Ultimately, YOU are responsible for your own happiness.  These steps will both make you feel happier with yourself, and help you continue to press your case for what you need.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Chains do not hold a marriage together.  It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years.”

- Simone Signoret

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© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.”

- Leo Tolstoy
 

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______________________________________________________________________________________

REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN FOR THE LIVE COUPLES SEMINAR STARTING APRIL 9.  MORE INFORMATION HERE.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

- Maya Angelou

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It’s been a number of years since my husband and I almost divorced.  What I remember most from that time, now, is how I felt.  Alone.  Angry.  Hurt.  Bitter.  These feelings (and years of struggle) led me to behave in ways that made my husband feel as badly as I did.  I also remember that one of the biggest breakthroughs in our recovery came when I finally realized that I could no longer feel good about making my husband feel awful.  That I needed to behave in a way that made me feel proud of myself.  Though I continued to express what I needed, I no longer nagged or yelled or belittled him.  In other words, I decided it was no longer okay to make him feel bad.

He noticed.  And, finally, he started listening to me about what I needed and wanted.

I think that Angelou is talking about just this type of experience – we are all responsible for behaving in a way that makes us feel good about ourselves, and does not make those we love more distressed.  You don’t need to give up asking for what you want – only ask for it in a way that takes the feelings of those you love into account.It’s been a number of years since my husband and I almost divorced.  What I remember most from that time, now, is how I felt.  Alone.  Angry.  Hurt.  Bitter.  These feelings (and years of struggle) led me to behave in ways that made my husband feel as badly as I did.  I also remember that one of the biggest breakthroughs in our recovery came when I finally realized that I could no longer feel good about making my husband feel awful.  That I needed to behave in a way that made me feel proud of myself.  Though I continued to express what I needed, I no longer nagged or yelled or belittled him.  In other words, I decided it was no longer okay to make him feel bad.

He noticed.  And, finally, he started listening to me about what I needed and wanted.

I think that Angelou is talking about just this type of experience – we are all responsible for behaving in a way that makes us feel good about ourselves, and does not make those we love more distressed.  You don’t need to give up asking for what you want – only ask for it in a way that takes the feelings of those you love into account. It’s been a number of years since my husband and I almost divorced.  What I remember most from that time, now, is how I felt.  Alone.  Angry.  Hurt.  Bitter.  These feelings (and years of struggle) led me to behave in ways that made my husband feel as badly as I did.  I also remember that one of the biggest breakthroughs in our recovery came when I finally realized that I could no longer feel good about making my husband feel awful.  That I needed to behave in a way that made me feel proud of myself.  Though I continued to express what I needed, I no longer nagged or yelled or belittled him.  In other words, I decided it was no longer okay to make him feel bad.

He noticed.  And, finally, he started listening to me about what I needed and wanted.

I think that Angelou is talking about just this type of experience – we are all responsible for behaving in a way that makes us feel good about ourselves, and does not make those we love more distressed.  You don’t need to give up asking for what you want – only ask for it in a way that takes the feelings of those you love into account.______________________________________________________________________________________

NEXT LIVE COUPLES SEMINAR STARTS JANUARY 7TH.  SIGN UP HERE.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Get in the habit of saying what you want rather than what you don’t want.”

- Diane Sollee
 Director, Smartmarriages.com

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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______________________________________________________________________________________

SIGN UP FOR MY LIVE COUPLES COURSE THAT STARTS JANUARY 7 - RIGHT NOW REGISTRATION IS LOW, SO IT LOOKS AS IF IT WILL BE A SMALLER (AND MORE PERSONAL) CLASS THAN NORMAL...INFORMATION ABOUT THE COURSE IS AT THIS LINK.

© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Build time into your schedules to be together for mini-conversations:  15 minutes together after work to talk about your challenges at work, a morning walk to talk about goals and hopes or meet for lunch or call during the day just to chat.”

-  Dr. Stephen Covey
   The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families

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You don’t need to constantly be together, but a little bit of time together each day is very helpful for feeling connected.  Many couples find that they actually have to create a routine of connection to make this happen.  Examples in my own household include:  my husband and I spend breakfast together – he makes coffee and I make breakfast; we try to eat dinner together; if one of us is out of town we either email or talk via phone to catch up; we try (but don’t always succeed) to go to bed at the same time and read in bed a bit.

These are mundane types of connections, but they give us plenty of time to feel the reassuring warmth and presence of our partner as well as make sure that if something really important comes up there will be multiple times in the day when we can connect around it.

Connecting this way over the busy holidays may be hard, but it's still worth asking the question - When do we normally connect?

You don’t need to constantly be together, but a little bit of time together each day is very helpful for feeling connected.  Many couples find that they actually have to create a routine of connection to make this happen.  Examples in my own household include:  my husband and I spend breakfast together – he makes coffee and I make breakfast; we try to eat dinner together; if one of us is out of town we either email or talk via phone to catch up; we try (but don’t always succeed) to go to bed at the same time and read in bed a bit.

These are mundane types of connections, but they give us plenty of time to feel the reassuring warmth and presence of our partner as well as make sure that if something really important comes up there will be multiple times in the day when we can connect around it.

When do you connect? You don’t need to constantly be together, but a little bit of time together each day is very helpful for feeling connected.  Many couples find that they actually have to create a routine of connection to make this happen.  Examples in my own household include:  my husband and I spend breakfast together – he makes coffee and I make breakfast; we try to eat dinner together; if one of us is out of town we either email or talk via phone to catch up; we try (but don’t always succeed) to go to bed at the same time and read in bed a bit.

These are mundane types of connections, but they give us plenty of time to feel the reassuring warmth and presence of our partner as well as make sure that if something really important comes up there will be multiple times in the day when we can connect around it.

When do you connect?______________________________________________________________________________________

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A SPECIAL NOVEMBER DISCOUNT OF $50 OFF THE RECORDED COUPLES' SEMINAR HERE!

© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they are on the same side.”

- Zig Ziglar

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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______________________________________________________________________________________

NEXT LIVE COUPLES SEMINAR STARTS ON JANUARY 7TH.  THIS COURSE IS A GREAT WAY TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND HAS HELPED MANY DO SO.  DETAILS AND REGISTRATION ARE HERE.

© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Our lives are characterized by moments.”

- Composer John Cage

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Melissa's Upcoming  Events

I was struck by this quote by John Cage because it so aptly describes his music.  But it also describes a way out of long-standing fighting between partners.  We sometimes get so stuck in thinking about how our partner has “always” done something that we dislike that we forget to notice or comment on the moment when our partner does something “right.”  As an example, I often hear from ADHD partners “I’ve been working really hard to change and have made some good progress – but my partner doesn’t notice it at all!”  This is demotivating, to say the least!

If you have a partner you know is working to change habits that have hurt your relationship, consider thinking of your interaction as a series of moments strung together.  When good moments come, make sure to recognize them as such.  It will make you feel good to do so, and make your partner feel noticed for the hard work he or she is putting in.

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TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A SPECIAL NOVEMBER DISCOUNT OF $50 OFF THE RECORDED COUPLES' SEMINAR HERE!   This special discount ends Friday, November 30 at midnight.

© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“If I want your opinion I’ll give it to you!”

- Character from The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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Melissa's Upcoming  Events

Sometimes a statement strikes you as hilarious because it’s so recognizable.  My husband and I both laughed out loud when we heard this one.  (Read it again if you didn't catch the joke...)

Can you guess which one of us might have said something similar?  (In days past, of course!)

© 2012 Melissa Orlov