Weekly Marriage Tips

ADHD & Marriage News - May 7, 2025

Quote of the Week

“For each of us there comes a time to let go.  You will know when that time has come.  When you have done all that you can do, it is time to detach.  Deal with your feelings.  Face your fears about losing control.  Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities.  Free others to be who they are.  In so doing, you will set yourself free.”

     - Melody Beatty, in Co-Dependent No More

Detaching

Beatty is not talking about separation or divorce here.  She is talking about letting go of the illusion of control, and setting strong boundaries around what is our own responsibility vs. what is our partner’s responsibility.  Many couples impacted by ADHD don’t have great boundaries – in fact, it’s quite possible you have the parent/child dynamic going in your relationship.  That’s an excellent example of disordered boundaries.

The idea of freeing others to be who they are is particularly scary for many non-ADHD partners, who may fear that their ADHD partner is not capable of adequately managing ADHD…and for some (certainly not all) this is the case.  So non-ADHD partners tend to spend too much time trying to control their situation - and their partner - in an effort to affect change and move that partner closer to what the non-ADHD partner hopes for.  Sadly, the most likely ADHD partner response to that pushing or parenting behavior (sometimes called codependence) is defiance, escape, and digging in.  Sometimes depression, anxiety or chronic anger may set in, too.  The most likely outcome for the non-ADHD partner is frustration, anger and hopelessness.

The healthier and more effective approach would be for both partners to take control only of their own issues, and support the other partner’s efforts to rise to their potential.  In other words, dramatically improve their boundaries.  Life will still have ups and downs, but your relationship will be significantly healthier with better boundaries in place.

Focusing on your own needs, and better enacting your own boundaries, can free you both to love each other based upon who you both truly are.  Or, once you are viewing each other based upon accepting your amazing parts as well as your imperfections, you may discover that you aren’t as good a fit as you thought you were.  In which case it frees you to move away from a relationship that ultimately wasn’t going to work well for you.

 Is it time to let go of the illusion of control and to set strong boundaries around what is your own responsibility vs. what is your partner’s responsibility?

HIGHLIGHT: 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - Ongoing support for couples dealing with ADHD, from professionals you can trust.  Questions? Review our i2a on demand information session and Frequently Asked Questions. Register for our May 21 Information Session with Melissa and Rachel. 

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open)  - Live expert support, a great community and lots of ADHD management tools, encouragement and accountability to help change your good intentions into new dynamics with your partner.  

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Registration Open) - Starts June 4th. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

FREE RESOURCES:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
• Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• A large number of blog posts on various topics;
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
• Chore Score Worksheet;
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD

ADHD & Marriage News - April 30, 2025

Quote of the Week

“…it is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

     - from The Little Prince

Invisible to the Eye

Sometimes people want me to predict whether or not they will be able to repair their relationship.  Even after so many years, I reply that I cannot know.  This is because of that which is ‘invisible to the eye,’ a.k.a. love.

Complex and difficult emotions can obscure what I think of as a hidden kernel of something special at the core of a relationship.  Doing the work of calming a relationship and reconnecting can expose that core of love again.  Once that happens love can expand again and take over.

Sometimes it’s other emotions that are invisible to the eye.  For example, grief that has not been allowed out, anger that is boxed off, or the hint of a loss of hope that things will never get better.

These essential emotions deserve respect. 

What essential feelings are inside you, waiting for constructive expression?

HIGHLIGHT: 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - Ongoing support for couples dealing with ADHD, from professionals you can trust.  Questions? Review our i2a on demand information session and Frequently Asked Questions. Register for our May 21 Information Session with Melissa and Rachel. 

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open)  - Live expert support, a great community and lots of ADHD management tools, encouragement and accountability to help change your good intentions into new dynamics with your partner.  

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Registration Open) - Starts June 4th. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

FREE RESOURCES:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
• Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• A large number of blog posts on various topics;
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
• Chore Score Worksheet;
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD

ADHD & Marriage News - April 24, 2025

Quote of the Week

“Success has nothing to do with perfection.”

     - Michele Obama

Get Engaged!

Obama knows a lot about success and really nails this one. Not only is success not correlated with perfection, but perfectionism is the enemy of success. If you strive for things to be perfect there will always be something that could be better.  You are going to be perpetually disappointed in your performance and yourself and may well develop a strong inner critic. While that might urge you to continue to strive, telling yourself it (or you) is not yet good enough because it’s not yet perfect is a truly miserable way to live. 

In ADHD relationships, success is often determined along a completely different axis – that of engagement.  If you are engaged with each other in respectful ways, and engaged in accepting and celebrating what you do have (vs. what you don’t) you may well find a very satisfying relationship – perhaps one that really lights you up in amazing ways.

One dangerous version of seeking perfection is what I call ‘being in love with a fantasy partner’ rather than the person you are actually married to.  That fantasy partner does almost everything right, is always respectful, is interested in you sexually at the same time you are, is a great parent…the list goes on and on.

Your real partner never matches up to your fantasy of your partner – and that leads to disappointment for you both.

Now that you think about it that way, are your ideas of what your partner could be interfering with your relationship success?  What would it take to create an environment in which you could engage productively with each other to find relationship success?

And, if you are a person with ADHD, are you afraid to engage until you do ‘better’? 

HIGHLIGHT: 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - for couples dealing with ADHD, providing ongoing assistance from professionals you can trust - at a great value for the lifetime rate of $124/month if you Join us now!  Questions? Review our i2a on demand information session and Frequently Asked Questions.

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open)  - Live expert support, a great community and lots of ADHD management tools, encouragement and accountability to help change your good intentions into new dynamics with your partner.  

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Registration Open) - Starts June 4th. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

FREE RESOURCES:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
• Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• A large number of blog posts on various topics;
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
• Chore Score Worksheet;
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD

ADHD & Marriage News - April 16, 2025

Quote of the Week

“Let’s be clear.  A person is a person.  A problem is a problem.  A person is never a problem.”

- Christine Hargrove, PhD, LMFT

Never a Problem

Please read Christine’s quote above one more time – slowly. 

I have been giving a series of workshops on the topic of resentment for the new Intent to Action program, and ADHD partners agreed that one of the things they resent the most is that they feel as if they are treated as if they are a problem that needs to be fixed.  If you have ADHD, you likely know what that might feel like.  If you don’t, stop a moment and imagine how debilitating that would be.  You’re not a person so much as a problem to be addressed or fixed.  It’s not hard to understand why this is such a strong source of resentment for ADHD partners. 

Treating a person as ‘the problem’ really, truly, misses the point.

Yes, your partner might be struggling with ADHD symptoms that manifest as ADHD symptomatic behaviors.  Or, they might not yet be able to address your concerns about ADHD or even be resistant to your concerns.  Nonetheless, it is the ADHD itself (and their life of experience with ADHD), NOT your partner as a person, that is the problem.  More accurately, not the problem but likely just one of the problems you face as this is never just about one partner or ADHD.)

Correctly attributing where your various problems originate makes a difference to your success.  If ADHD is one of your problems, then:

• You can act as together as two people ready to address ADHD concerns in your joint relationship.  This puts the two of you as equals tackling something that can be difficult.

• You can continue to respect your ADHD partner’s efforts to manage their ADHD (since they are not their ADHD).  You might not understand their efforts, but you can generally assume they are doing their best.

• You can allow that ADHD is a significant issue – your partner (the person) may work hard to manage the ADHD (problem) but may not always be successful.  That doesn’t make them a bad person (or a problem) – just someone trying their best (whatever that ‘best’ looks like).

• You are likely to be more compassionate

• The ADHD partner is less likely to feel attacked, dismissed or unloved and, therefore, more likely to engage with creating change

Do you or your partner think the ADHD partner is a problem that needs to be fixed?  If so, I urge you to create a new story that will better support your growth.

HIGHLIGHT: 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - We're thrilled that people are getting a lot out of Intent to Action. You can still get one of the last spots for the lifetime rate of $124/month if you Join us soon! 

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open)  - Live expert support, a great community and lots of ADHD management tools, encouragement and accountability to help change your good intentions into new dynamics with your partner.  

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Registration Open) - Starts June 4th. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

FREE RESOURCES:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
• Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• A large number of blog posts on various topics;
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
• Chore Score Worksheet;
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD

ADHD & Marriage News - April 9, 2025

Quote of the Week

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”

- Jamie Anderson 

Grief and Love

I run into a lot of partners who are experiencing grief but not giving it room to flow through them so they can fully grapple with it.  I liked Anderson’s idea of what grief is and wondered if that might help at least some partners allow themselves to grieve more overtly.

Many of my grievers are grappling with the fact that their complicated, sometimes chaotic, high-emotions and/or high-conflict relationship is not what they had expected at the outset of their love and lives together.  And, yes, that is worthy of grief.  Lots of love there…no place to go, though, when you have such mixed (or even negative) feelings about the struggles you didn’t expect to face.

Allowing your sadness to manifest, and positioning that sadness as love of both a person and also of what might have been, can help you process your feelings and move closer to a place of acceptance.  Acceptance is not ‘settling’ (as some people fear) but rather a clearing out dreams, grief, resentment and other emotions that may be keeping you stuck.  Accepting who you are, and who your partner is, allows you to start to build from the real place you are.  With acceptance, love can learn to unfold again.  Without the other complicated emotions in the way, you can seek and reinforce the positive.  You can identify what isn’t working and decide whether or not to target change in that area of yourself (and perhaps request something similar of your partner.)

Moving past your grief and into the love that is hiding there can be very powerful, indeed.

HIGHLIGHT: 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - We're thrilled that people are getting a lot out of Intent to Action. Here's what some of our members have to say:

"The information in this program is excellent.  And to make it even better Melissa and her team interact with participants to help them apply what is learned in a very clear and practical way to get beneficial results.  Highly recommend!"

"The 'action' part of this program alone is worth the investment.  It is so impactful in understanding and improving a relationship where ADHD is involved. Totally recommend!"

"After researching many resources on ADHD, this program by far has the best materials and tools we've found to help us on our journey with ADHD."

You can still get one of the last spots for the lifetime rate of $124/month if you Join us soon!

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open)  - Live expert support, a great community and lots of ADHD management tools, encouragement and accountability to help change your good intentions into new dynamics with your partner.  

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Registration Open) - Starts June 4th. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

FREE RESOURCES:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
• Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• A large number of blog posts on various topics;
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
• Chore Score Worksheet;
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD

ADHD & Marriage News - April 3, 2025

Quote of the Week

“I was overcommitted and overwhelmed.  So, I came up with the idea of a BOX.  The box was my ‘this is it.’  I can’t add anything to the box unless I take something else out.  That helped me limit what I took on and manage my overwhelm.”

- Larry Jones, MD, MBA 

Addressing Overwhelm

I love the idea of Jones’ BOX as a visualization of what his limits are.  It’s a simple, and effective, way to assess whether or not he should take on that next research project; commit to five new tasks at home, and more.  Further, because the box is visual, he can think about whether or not the item he is trying to add to his box is a similar size to the one he is selecting to remove and replace.

I also imagine that you could use the metaphor of the box with your partner.  “I’m sorry, but my box is currently full and I don’t have anything I can comfortably remove right now” signals both that you have thoughtfully considered the size and scope of the request your partner has made, and have a reason to say ‘no.’

Might you use Jones’ idea of a ‘this is it…this is all I can do’ box?

HIGHLIGHT: 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - We're thrilled that people are getting a lot out of Intent to Action. Here's what some of our members have to say:

"We appreciated that, again, we found out that we are not alone in our struggles and issues. We also like the support that is provided from other couples and facilitators."

"The couple workshops- going through it together with other couples- has been a game changer and has really had a big impact on us. We count the days for these workshops:-) Thank you! "

You can still get one of the last spots for the lifetime rate of $124/month if you Join us soon!

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open)  - Live expert support, a great community and lots of ADHD management tools, encouragement and accountability to help change your good intentions into new dynamics with your partner.  

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Registration Open) - Spring 2025 dates: Wednesdays, April 16, 23, 30, May 7, 14, 21, (break), June 4, 11. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

FREE RESOURCES:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
• Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• A large number of blog posts on various topics;
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
• Chore Score Worksheet;
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD

ADHD & Marriage News - March 26, 2025

Quote of the Week

“At first, I thought, ‘I can still have all these neurotypical goals and have this neurotypical life and have a clean house and a clean car and keep in touch with friends.  I just have to do it in a way that’s ADHD-friendly.’  I was willing to accept that if my brain works differently, I might have to do things differently.  But I wasn’t yet willing to accept the limits of using tools and strategies.  No matter how many tools you have, the challenges are still there.”

- Jessica McCabe, YouTube creator of How to ADHD 

The Limits of Tools

I’m a huge fan of creating structures and using ADHD-friendly tools (such as alarms and reminders) to help those with ADHD function better in a world that is often hostile to them.  These tools often work well and can make incredible differences in how individuals with ADHD function and how healthy their relationship is.

But, as McCabe notes from her own experience, there is a limit to what tools can do for you.  For one, they don’t make ADHD go away.  For another, they don’t turn you into a non-ADHD person.  Even well managed, the ADHD remains…and needs to continue to be managed.

This may be a big disappointment to ADHD and non-ADHD partners alike, who often hope that the right combination of systems and structures will smooth out everything at home.  This is such a big issue, in fact, that I sometimes have to stop couples from fantasizing about what improvement the next tool might bring and work with them on recognizing what they have, right now, with their current relationship and their current partner.

It is always useful work.  True acceptance of ADHD’s strengths and weaknesses (it generally brings both) stabilizes the relationship and improves your ability to move forward with effective ways to improve your real relationship, rather than pine for the one you imagine you might have, but don’t.

Do you spend a lot of time fantasizing about what you might have vs. seeking the wonderful in what you already have?

HIGHLIGHT: 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - It's a great time to join! We have outstanding workshops coming up, like the ADHD Partner Pause with Cam Gott, and a book discussion on April 7th with author Tamara Rozier on her book "You, Me and our ADHD Family." And, our Resource Library was just launched so you can choose your own adventure for what you need to learn and apply with your partner. You can still get one of the last spots for the lifetime rate of $124/month if you Join us soon!

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open)  - Live expert support, a great community and lots of ADHD management tools, encouragement and accountability to help change your good intentions into new dynamics with your partner.  

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Registration Open) - Spring 2025 dates: Wednesdays, April 16, 23, 30, May 7, 14, 21, (break), June 4, 11. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

FREE RESOURCES:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
• Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• A large number of blog posts on various topics;
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
• Chore Score Worksheet;
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD

ADHD & Marriage News - March 18, 2025

Quote of the Week

“I’ve always thought I could use my brain and my heart to jockey everyone around to the good.  But life is not jockeyable.  When you try, you make people infinitely crazier than they already were, including or especially yourself.”

- Anne Lamott 

Jockey Everyone Around

It’s safe to speculate that there is probably a lot on your plate!  To get things to run smoothly you may have to manage your family members to jockey things around quite a bit.

Inherent in that jockeying is a position of control.  “You do this; I’ll do that; they’ll do this other thing.”  You do it with best intentions, and a big heart, but (as you probably already know) it often doesn’t go as you had planned.  This is particularly true when one or more people in your family have ADHD.

I bring this to your attention because there are actually hidden costs of trying to jockey things around all the time:

1.     Other people in your life resent being jockeyed around and told what to do.  Therefore, your efficiency efforts can add negative feelings in the family.

2.     You set yourself up for disappointment (and resentment – there is a theme here) because you expect one outcome but may get a different, less satisfactory, one

3.     In your effort to manage things well, you end up focusing on ‘stuff’/efficiency and may lose sight of what’s really important – nurturing relationships.

I ask that you go back and read Lamott’s quote one more time and take 2 minutes to ask if it applies to your own life.

STARTING TODAY MARCH 18: ADHD Effect LIVE In-Depth Couples' Seminar - No matter where you are in the world.... you can join via Zoom. 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - Join us for an Information Session on Wednesday, March 26th at 8p EST to learn what our members love about i2a, ask your questions, and see if it’s the right fit for you. Register here for the Information Session to save your spot.  

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program: ADHD Management Tools, Expert Support and Community for ADHD Impacted Relationships - Live expert support, a great community and lots of tools, encouragement and accountability to help change your good intentions into new dynamics with your partner. Learn more and join us!  

Register here for our Information Session on Wednesday, March 26th at 8p EST to learn what our members love about i2a, ask your questions, and see if it’s the right fit for you.  

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (9-session ZOOM seminar starts March 18. Registration OPEN). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.  The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

FREE RESOURCES:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
• How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• A large number of blog posts on various topics;
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
• Chore Score Worksheet;
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD

ADHD & Marriage News - March 5, 2025

Quote of the Week

“Sometimes when you plan a little less, you experience a little more.”

- Oprah Winfrey 

Experience More

One of the differences between non-ADHD partners and ADHD partners is that the former tend to like to go from point A to point B in something that resembles a straight line.  People with ADHD rarely do this.  A few use planning things out in great detail as a way to keep their lives under control.

Yet for anyone who likes to ‘stay on track’ there is much to be gained by learning to savor the journey…celebrating and enjoying what happens along the way, rather than focusing on how it might take longer or upset your schedule.

Living in a straight line is efficient – something that Americans value greatly.  But it usually isn’t ‘deepening,’ and that is where a lot of the best parts of relationships lie.  When done right, saying ‘yes’ rather than ‘we don’t have time’ can create opportunities to enjoy together, to get to know each other better, to explore new places or ideas, or simply to smile.

Don’t misunderstand me.  I’m not suggesting you get to the emergency room in Boston by way of Des Moines.  There are times in your life when that straight line is absolutely necessary.  It’s just not as often as many non-ADHD partners think it is.

Can you find time to savor the journey this week?

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

 EVENTS:

ADHD Effect LIVE In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Registration OPEN. No matter where you are in the world.... you can join via Zoom. 9-sessions. Starts March 18. 

Non-ADHD partner support groups - Registration OPEN. 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - Registration ONGOING. Providing ongoing support for couples dealing with ADHD. Read below for recent camaraderie and conversation.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program: ADHD Management Tools, Expert Support and Community for ADHD Impacted Relationships - Intent to Action this week has been full of great ADHD relationship camaraderie and conversation. In Melissa's Book Club, we had a great group conversation about her seminal book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage. We explored the connections between anger, grief and acceptance. There, Russell B offered the insight: "when you don’t reject yourself, you can accept yourself” which reverberated for everyone. Conversations in Office Hours have been centered around implementing verbal cues and strategies for impulsivity and forgetting. And March is just getting started! This month we're looking forward to workshops on anger, setting target symptoms and more. Learn more and join us! You can learn more on the registration page listed above. Please let us know if you have any questions. Thanks, we hope you can join us!  

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next 9-session ZOOM seminar starts March 18. Registration OPEN). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.  The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Registration Open) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Not Yet Open for Registration) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

FREE RESOURCES:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
• How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• A large number of blog posts on various topics;
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
• Chore Score Worksheet;
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD

ADHD & Marriage News - February 26, 2025

Quote of the Week

“You cannot wait for your relationship to become happy before you change your behavior.  Relationships improve after behavior changes, not before.”

- Steven Stosny

Change First

Working with couples impacted by ADHD is different from other couples work.  Among other things, it’s critical to see changed behaviors in both partners before the couple can start to reconnect.  This is because if the behaviors (over-functioning and under-functioning) don’t change, injuries to each partner continue in real time.

Are you waiting for your partner to change before you engage?  If so, I encourage you jump in to doing the work you need to do, instead.  You will move much more quickly towards the improved relationship you seek.

 Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

 EVENTS:

ADHD Effect LIVE In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next 9-session ZOOM seminar starts March 18. Registration OPEN). 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - We welcome you to join the community conversation in i2a!  There are still a few spots left at our lowest-ever monthly rate of $124/ month!  This week: 

• Melissa gave a wonderful workshop on resentment for both partners, which led to great exploration of what's underneath resentment and how to address it from both sides.
• An ADHD partner raised his challenges around defensiveness, then members of our community offered their solidarity and strategies to help them.  

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program: ADHD Management Tools, Expert Support and Community for ADHD Impacted Relationships - Learn to create lasting change as you turn your intentions and knowledge into concrete action.  You’ll get specific ADHD management tools, real-time expert support for your relationship, and a connected, like-minded online community. Click here to learn more.

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next 9-session ZOOM seminar starts March 18. Registration OPEN). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.  The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.  

FREE RESOURCES:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters
• How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues
• A large number of blog posts on various topics
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists
• Chore Score Worksheet
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD