Weekly Marriage Tips

Instructions for Leaving

ADHD & Marriage News - June 25, 2025

Quote of the Week

“Once the earthquake is settled

accommodate the anger

let it move in, fix it dinner

then put it to bed"

- First stanza by poet and author, Kwame Alexander from Why Fathers Cry at Night

Instructions for Leaving

There are so many things I admire about Alexander’s description of the aftermath of deciding to leave a relationship…but what I want to focus on here is not the earthquake that heaves everything up in such uncomfortable ways, but his relationship with his anger.

Accommodate the anger, he suggests. It is there for a reason, and is an indicator that something needs to be addressed. Don’t insist it leave right away – rather, get to know it. Have a conversation, and be compassionate towards it (and yourself). Learn what it is trying to tell you.

And I think that putting it to bed is both about lessening your engagement with it when it’s time, but also an acknowledgement that it may awake or rise again…in which case you get to know it again.

Are you compassionate about any feelings of anger you hold, and asking it questions to see what you can learn?

HIGHLIGHT:

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - Ongoing support for couples dealing with ADHD, from professionals you can trust. We've got an amazing set of workshops in July in i2a -- here's your sneak peek!

7/9 8:30p EST Tools to help you Focus on Progress and Let Go of Perfection
7/15 7:30p EST Lessening defensiveness for ADHD partners: IFS parts work
7/16 7:30p EST What ADHD Coaches wish Non ADHD Partners Knew Recap of Part 1
7/30 8p EST Relationship Essentials: Open a Can of B.E.A.N.S – skills for everyone

Join us anytime for live expert support and a wonderful community!

Seminars, Groups:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open) - Summer doesn't mean slowing down in i2a -- we know your relationship dynamics are a part of your everyday life, so we continue to offer expert support and peers for community to keep you gently accountable to each other.

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next live seminar will begin Fall 2025). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. Seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

Free Resources:

Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
Chore Score Worksheet;
Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD
The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.

Is there hope? This video may help you answer that question.

Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."

For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Questions? Contact us

Read more about Instructions for Leaving

Your Internal Emotional World

ADHD & Marriage News - June 20, 2025

Quote of the Week

“Once we are okay with who we are inside then we can put a system in place. We have to address shame."

- 2024 CHADD keynote speaker, Dr. Kojo Sarfo

Your Internal Emotional World

Kojo Sarfo is an internet influencer (among other things) and man with experience managing ADHD. He urges those with ADHD to address their internal emotional world so that they can deal more effectively with their daily lives.

As I’ve observed over the years, there are a number of effective ways to address one’s inner emotions. For example, anger over rejections (RSD in its more extreme form) can be address with medication and, to a lesser degree, with behavioral therapy. As I’ve observed with clients, Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) are two particularly effective ways to address trauma and shame. Research also suggests that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and coaching can help with taming self-criticism around task completion and fear of failure.

But this work isn’t for an end of emotional control. As Dr. Sarfo noted later in his talk, “If you have ADHD it is going to be hard to be successful without a system.” Once you tame the emotions that interfere with how you get on in your life, you then have more freedom to create a system that unabashedly works for you – whatever that looks like.

Would any of these approaches help you move forward in your life?

Seminars, Groups:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open) - Summer doesn't mean slowing down in i2a -- we know your relationship dynamics are a part of your everyday life, so we continue to offer expert support and peers for community to keep you gently accountable to each other. Join us anytime to be a part of our growing and supportive community.

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next live seminar will begin Fall 2025). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. Seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

Free Resources:

Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
Chore Score Worksheet;
Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD
The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.

Is there hope? This video may help you answer that question.

Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."

For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Questions? Contact us

Read more about Your Internal Emotional World

Past and Future

ADHD & Marriage News - June 11, 2025

Quote of the Week

“She taught me the pointlessness of wishing for a different past and the futility of worrying about all of the frightening futures over which I had no control."

- James Doty, MD from Into the Magic Shop

Past and Future

James Doty, MD is a neurosurgeon who wrote about his lessons in mindfulness from an interested shop owner when he was young. What I like about this idea (which is the central idea of his book) is the absolute truth in the idea…and how hard it is to take it on.

Some of you may feel regret and sadness about what has happened in the past - perhaps all of the strife between you before you figured out that ADHD was playing a role in your relationship or perhaps that you didn’t know about ADHD sooner. This regret is to be respected, as are all of our feelings. But if you can internalize the idea that the past is completely and totally unchangeable it can help you move into today…the only day over which we have any real control.

Anxiety about the future is also understandable, and may even be useful in small doses if it inspires you to take action to avert a problem (example – ordering train tickets before they are sold out). But feelings of general anxiety about the future deserve to be examined so that they can be addressed and put aside. The anxiety itself doesn’t change anything, only put your body into a stressful ‘alert’ mode. And moving from a place of ‘fright’ may lead you to make less than optimal choices. Fear motivates…but does not nurture.

It can be terrifying to internalize the idea that the only day you have control over is today, and the only person you have control over is you. I ask you, though, to consider this idea.

If you took it to heart – today – would you do anything differently?

Seminars, Groups:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open) - Summer doesn't mean slowing down in i2a -- we know your relationship dynamics are a part of your everyday life, so we continue to offer expert support and peers for community to keep you gently accountable to each other. Right now, we are in the midst of a great ongoing workshop series on boundaries and how they can help you shift out of the parent-child dynamic (which is recorded and available for i2a members to watch anytime!). We'll soon be talking about meaningful repair, and ADHD partner defensiveness. Join us anytime to be a part of our growing and supportive community.

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next live seminar will begin Fall 2025). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. Seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

Free Resources:

Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
Chore Score Worksheet;
Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD
The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.

Is there hope? This video may help you answer that question.

Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."

For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Questions? Contact us

Read more about Past and Future

Two Camps

ADHD & Marriage News - June 4, 2025

Quote of the Week

“I am sometimes frustrated (when I read your tips) because as the ADHDer, your articles...tend to put the ADHD spouse in one camp and the non-ADHD spouse in another camp. My spouse who, in my opinion, has many ADHD tendencies (and would be very resistant to getting tested) ... treats the advice in these articles as if he is ok and doesn’t have to work on anything himself, but I have to work on many things."

- A Reader

Two Camps

I’m always delighted to hear from readers of my weekly tips and get their feedback, and this comment is no different. And the reader is correct. As one way of providing clarity I do tend to ‘label’ behaviors for ‘ADHD partners’ and ‘non-ADHD partners.’ And yet, we all bring a complex set of emotions and behaviors to our relationship.

In the overall, what I TRY to communicate is that BOTH partners always have a role to play in improving their relationship. I exhort individuals to bring their ‘best selves’ to the relationship and make sure that their own behavior is respectful, thoughtful, and caring. I also try to make sure that both partners understand how to align their actions with their deepest values – what I call setting boundaries for one’s own self (as you cannot set boundaries for others).

It always makes me sad to hear one partner thinks they are okay and their partner isn’t. Because the truth as I see it is that you are BOTH okay…and you BOTH have work to do to nurture yourself and your relationship.

Please stop blaming your partner, if you are doing so, and ask yourself what you could be doing better for yourself (your boundaries) and your partner (your appreciation and affection). This sort of honest humility should help you both strengthen your ties.

Seminars, Groups:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open) - What’s Included:

Live Office Hours weekly: Drop in to ask questions and get guidance from top ADHD experts
Weekly Action Tips: Bite-sized strategies, video coaching, and practical exercises
Coworking Hours: Silent body doubling sessions to boost productivity and tackle low-dopamine tasks
Workshops: Learn new tools and clear action steps tailored to ADHD relationships
Book Club: Fun and informative monthly discussions with ADHD experts and authors
24/7 Community Forum: Stay connected, find accountability, and celebrate wins in this expert-led forum only for i2a members
Unlimited Video Replays: Never miss a session or revisit valuable lessons anytime
An easy-to-use Master Calendar and Membership area describing what’s going on that day, week or month and program links

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next live seminar will begin Fall 2025). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. Seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

Free Resources:

Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
Chore Score Worksheet;
Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD
The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.

Is there hope? This video may help you answer that question.

Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."

For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Questions? Contact us

Read more about Two Camps

Notice the Positive

ADHD & Marriage News - May 29, 2025

Quote of the Week

“Notice the positive, not what remains to be done"

- Dr. Christine Hargrove

Notice the Positive

As humans, we are wired to notice the negative - this is a built-in survival strategy. For if we were too busy admiring the daisies, we might have been eaten by a tiger. But this isn’t always helpful in relationship repair. Hard work and even small successes deserve to be noticed and appreciated. Furthermore, appreciation goes a long way to keep up one’s spirits and nurture motivation.

One way to ensure that the positives are noticed is to add a ritual of appreciation to your relationship. This can be a very simple five minutes at the end of the day (or at dinner, etc) in which each person finishes a sentence similar to ‘What I appreciated today was…’. The response to that might be a thank you, a smile, a hug…some way to indicate that you heard.

Another easy way to see the positive is to create a ‘done’ list in addition to your ‘to do’ list. Dr. Hargrove does this in her own life and gets great satisfaction out of recording the positive achievements she has done…even the small ones.

What’s your method for noticing (and remarking upon) the positive?

Seminars, Groups:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open) - Live expert support, a great community and lots of ADHD management tools, encouragement and accountability to help change your good intentions into new dynamics with your partner.

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. Seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

Free Resources:

Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
Chore Score Worksheet;
Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD
The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.

Is there hope? This video may help you answer that question.

Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."

For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Questions? Contact us

Read more about Notice the Positive

Your Values

ADHD & Marriage News - May 20, 2025

Quote of the Week

“Fight for your values…"

- from an article in The Atlantic Magazine

Your Values

Non-ADHD partners who find themselves in a ‘parenting’ position in the Parent-Child Dynamic are often feeling ‘damned if they do and damned if they don’t’ when it comes to changing that pattern between partners.

If they ‘just stop doing stuff’ then chaos may ensue. If they remind or parent their partner, then they remain in the unsustainable parent role. The only effective response that I have found is to use two combined strategies: work with your partner to ensure that support structures are in place to transition some responsibilities (jointly agreed to); and to assess your own values, determine which are the most important to you, and align your own actions with those values. That usually means assessing not only which values you should fight for (per the quote above) and which areas of conflict you can let go of because they are not integral to your living the life you most wish to live.

What follows after reviewing what you hold most dear is setting yourself up to live to your values (sometimes described as living authentically) and negotiating with your partner about what to hold onto and what to let go of.

This approach often takes a mindset shift. We are used to assessing what we ‘need’ by looking back to the traditions of our family of origin or saying we ‘need’ something to address feelings of anxiety or concern.

We do more work on how to brainstorm about your key values and brainstorm about actions you might take to better align you with those values in our Intent to Action (i2a) program as well as our couples seminar.

I hope you take some time to explore this path if you are concerned about parenting your partner.

Register for Info Session May 21

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - Ongoing support for couples dealing with ADHD, from professionals you can trust. Questions?

*** Register for our May 21 Information Session with Melissa and Rachel. Wednesday, May 21st at 8 PM Eastern time. A recording will be shared afterwards if you’re not able to make it.

Struggling to turn your good intentions into lasting action in your ADHD-impacted relationship? You're not alone! Program Director, Rachel Ban, MSW, LICSW, dives into the key role motivation plays in making real, sustainable change in your relationship.

Our i2a program is built to engage YOUR unique motivational style, helping you create healthy, long-lasting relationships.

Get your questions answered and discover how we can help! Register for our May 21 Information Session.

Seminars, Groups:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open) - Live expert support, a great community and lots of ADHD management tools, encouragement and accountability to help change your good intentions into new dynamics with your partner.

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Registration Open) - Starts June 11th. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. Seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

Free Resources:

Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
Chore Score Worksheet;
Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD
The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.

Is there hope? This video may help you answer that question.

Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."

Share

For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Questions? Contact us

Read more about Your Values

Who You Are vs. How You Feel

ADHD & Marriage News - May 12, 2025

Quote of the Week

“What we want to help the children with is, just because you feel sad or happy or depressed doesn’t mean that is who you are. We want them to know, I am really sad right now but I’m not a sad person."

- Goldie Hawn

Who You Are vs. How You Feel

I was struck by how relevant this quote is for partners with ADHD. A diagnosis can provide the ‘aha’ moment but it also provides a label. They get access to a whole new world of tools they can use to manage their ADHD symptoms, yet too often fall prey to believing that how they feel then – perhaps incapable or ‘less than’ – means that they really are…and always will be…those labels.

Yet that is far from the truth. Research suggests that 70-80% of adults can find a treatment that will help them significantly manage their symptoms – allowing them to thrive and showcase whomever they really are…creative or spontaneous or funny or smart or insightful or empathetic or…

They are not “ADHD people.” They are only people who may have been hindered in the past by an overlay of undiagnosed symptoms.

HIGHLIGHT:

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - Ongoing support for couples dealing with ADHD, from professionals you can trust. Questions? Register for our May 21 Information Session with Melissa and Rachel. Review our i2a on demand information session and Frequently Asked Questions.

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open) - Live expert support, a great community and lots of ADHD management tools, encouragement and accountability to help change your good intentions into new dynamics with your partner.

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Registration Open) - Starts June 4th. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

FREE RESOURCES:

For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Questions? Contact us

Read more about Who You Are vs. How You Feel

Detaching

ADHD & Marriage News - May 7, 2025

Quote of the Week

“For each of us there comes a time to let go. You will know when that time has come. When you have done all that you can do, it is time to detach. Deal with your feelings. Face your fears about losing control. Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities. Free others to be who they are. In so doing, you will set yourself free.”

- Melody Beatty, in Co-Dependent No More

Detaching

Beatty is not talking about separation or divorce here. She is talking about letting go of the illusion of control, and setting strong boundaries around what is our own responsibility vs. what is our partner’s responsibility. Many couples impacted by ADHD don’t have great boundaries – in fact, it’s quite possible you have the parent/child dynamic going in your relationship. That’s an excellent example of disordered boundaries.

The idea of freeing others to be who they are is particularly scary for many non-ADHD partners, who may fear that their ADHD partner is not capable of adequately managing ADHD…and for some (certainly not all) this is the case. So non-ADHD partners tend to spend too much time trying to control their situation - and their partner - in an effort to affect change and move that partner closer to what the non-ADHD partner hopes for. Sadly, the most likely ADHD partner response to that pushing or parenting behavior (sometimes called codependence) is defiance, escape, and digging in. Sometimes depression, anxiety or chronic anger may set in, too. The most likely outcome for the non-ADHD partner is frustration, anger and hopelessness.

The healthier and more effective approach would be for both partners to take control only of their own issues, and support the other partner’s efforts to rise to their potential. In other words, dramatically improve their boundaries. Life will still have ups and downs, but your relationship will be significantly healthier with better boundaries in place.

Focusing on your own needs, and better enacting your own boundaries, can free you both to love each other based upon who you both truly are. Or, once you are viewing each other based upon accepting your amazing parts as well as your imperfections, you may discover that you aren’t as good a fit as you thought you were. In which case it frees you to move away from a relationship that ultimately wasn’t going to work well for you.

Is it time to let go of the illusion of control and to set strong boundaries around what is your own responsibility vs. what is your partner’s responsibility?

HIGHLIGHT:

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - Ongoing support for couples dealing with ADHD, from professionals you can trust. Questions? Review our i2a on demand information session and Frequently Asked Questions. Register for our May 21 Information Session with Melissa and Rachel.