Weekly Marriage Tips

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.”

- Dr. Seuss, The Lorax

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“Cares a Whole Awful Lot”

When I was newly married I had this impression that marriages just “happenned.” Somehow two people who loved each other would be fine. The details of what that meant or how that would happen were more than a little fuzzy.

Twenty-two years later I, and the rest of my peers, are significantly wiser! To have a happy marriage you have to “care a whole awful lot” AND “work a whole awful lot” too if you want to keep things fresh and stay lovingly open-minded. You give when you’re not sure you can, you reassess when your partner says you’re out of line (even if you don’t want to) and, perhaps most importantly, you make connecting and loving a top priority in your life.

Today, in our bustling lives, I think “cares a whole awful lot” in a relationship translates almost directly into “be willing to put aside other things to focus on your partner.” This means, in some ways, you are giving the gift of your undivided time…at least some of the time.

What do you think “cares a whole awful lot” means?

If you or your spouse has ADHD, please join our forum at www.adhdmarriage.com to ask your questions and learn from others who share your issues.  In addition, you'll find in-depth essays to help you learn how to thrive in a marriage affected by ADHD.

Hope to hear from you there!
 
Melissa Orlov

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“We must recognize the truth of our history without letting ourselves become captive to it. Our personal history should inform but not confine our present path.”

-Christopher Gergen

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Captive to the Past

Our unique personal history is how we got to our current “present path.” As such, it should certainly inform us. However, if we remain bound by that past then we assure that we will remain on the path we currently follow. For many struggling couples, that idea is too much to bear.

In order to free ourselves from the “captivity” of the past, my husband and I chose to create an “old relationship” and a “new relationship.” The old relationship is where the bad stuff happened. We acknowledge we did the best we could, but that we didn’t like the results. Our new relationship is the place where we make (and continue to make) the choices that will get us to a stronger love.

We refuse to be held captive by the old relationship interactions. Here are just a few of the specific ways we do this:

• Acknowledge we did the best we could. No one needs to “pay a price” for the mistakes we made in the old relationship – this is a fresh start

• Recognize that difficult emotions from the old relationship can be triggered in the new relationship but don’t warrant full scale war – my being angry with my husband, for example, still shakes him – but he quickly tells himself “that feeling is from the old relationship…I’ll deal with it constructively rather than lash back”

• Seek loving solutions to our issues by engaging actively with each other and respectfully considering our partner’s opinion, even if we don’t initially like it.

• Find new tools - particularly for couples contending with ADHD, finding new ways to do things that work well for those impacted by ADHD can really help create a new path.

Together, you can move away from being held captive by your past.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“When we’re scared, we’re scary, so at your most fearful, you probably frighten the people around you. They, in turn, react aggressively from their own fear, scaring you into anxious behavior, escalating the fear, etc.”

• Martha Beck

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Beck’s description is a classic “symptom/response/response” cycle like those I describe in my book, only the “symptom” in this case is fear.

Fear, for many, is the deep underlying emotion that provokes lots of aggressive behavior in relationships. Take these examples:

• Fear that life will be an endless swamp of unfinished chores prompts a non-ADHD wife to relentlessly hound an ADHD husband about unfinished tasks

• Fear that an ADHD diagnosis will trigger blame and punishment from her husband causes an ADHD wife to defensively resist seeking an evaluation

• Fear of rejection or the more subtle “disappointment” leads one partner to resist having sex with the other

These examples are real – I see them (almost verbatim) very frequently. The only way to get out of these fear cycles is to acknowledge that fear is the root cause of the aggression and defensiveness, accept that, then try to calm those fears through concerted effort on both parties.

Step away from these fears by telling your partner about them, and talking together about how you might be able to break the cycle of symptom/response/response in which you are both participating.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“It’s like I tell my 8-year-old son, Sam: “You don’t have to be brilliant at everything. You just have to have the courage to put yourself in the line of fire.”

             - Emily Mortimer, actress

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Courage and Trying Differently

Last week I featured a quote about elders looking back at their lives and how they might live them differently in a “do over.” One of their suggestions was “be more courageous.” Emily Mortimer gives this idea more flesh – you don’t have to succeed at everything…but without the courage to put yourself on the line you won’t live life to its fullest.

Not being brilliant at something, or even failing, is the inevitable result of having the courage to stretch yourself and try the new or uncomfortable…and therefore should be celebrated.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Author and leadership expert Richard Leider asked a wide-ranging group of adults over age sixty-five the following: “If you could live your life over again, what would you do differently?” The three themes that emerged were: “Be more reflective. Be more courageous. Be clear earlier about purpose.”

• Christopher Gergen, co-Author of Life Entrepreneurs: Ordinary People Creating Extraordinary Lives

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Purpose

Many who are suddenly faced with significant trauma, such as a diagnosis of cancer or a car accident, report that the experience provokes a striving for greater purpose in their lives. They are able to set aside “less important” and refocus with vigor upon “important.” But we all have a limited time on this planet – so why not listen to our elders and find that purpose earlier, without the trigger of trauma?

I have come to a place of greater purpose in my 50s with my late career change from marketing into marriage consulting. I very much enjoyed the intellectual rigor of marketing, account management and research. It was a good career financially, as well. But the psychic reward that I earn from my efforts, and the knowledge that I am providing new and life-changing information to many couples is much more rewarding. (And, yes, I am grateful that as a member of a two-income household I have the privilege of being able to make the choice of less money but more “psychic reward.”) There are many stories of those who also choose to give of themselves to others and reap the benefits – sometimes as a part-time or volunteer effort, rather than full-time.

Giving to others is only one way to find purpose. Others include exploration (finding new ideas, places, etc.), furthering education or policy, preserving part of the past for future generations…there are almost as many types of fulfilling purpose as there are people.

What gives you a sense of purpose?

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.”
          - Derek Bok, former President of Harvard University

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Education is Cheap

Sometimes I hear from couples I work with that one or the other spouse is “unwilling” to learn about ADHD, depression, anxiety, learning disorders or some other health issue that directly impacts that couple’s relationship. When I come across this point of view I try to be empathetic – it’s often part of a larger issue, for example an ADHD spouse who is afraid that learning more about ADHD means that he or she will be blamed for marital problems.

However, though I’m empathetic, I also try to point out two things: First, learning about something (for example, ADHD) doesn’t commit you to a specific path (such as taking medications). All it does it make you more informed of the options before you. Second, NOT learning can be “expensive.” Remaining in a status quo that isn’t working can cost you your marriage.

Great resources for learning about marital and mental health issues abound. Take advantage of them!

P.S. For some good resources, please visit my ADHD and Marriage Resources section.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Along the road, be gracious, gentle and polite.”

• Kenneth Jackson, historian

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Be Polite

Too often I hear some variation of this comment made recently by a husband with ADHD:

“My wife always criticizes me. I never do enough, and what I do is never satisfactory. She yells at me, tells me she doesn’t love me, but expects that I’ll treat her with warmth. I never share anything with her anymore or tell her how I feel because she’ll just disregard it or tell me why I’m wrong.”

You may be frustrated in your relationship, but one of the absolutely necessary ingredients for relationship success is what Jackson calls being “gracious, gentle and polite.”

I know (only too well!) how HARD this can be when your partner is driving you nuts. But listen to what this man was saying – not being gracious or polite drives a huge wedge between you. How can you work out the problems in your relationship if you can’t even discuss or confront them together?

You don’t have to agree with a person to interact respectfully with them. But when you treat your partner with respect he or she is more likely to interact with you, be willing to consider your point of view, and respond to your needs. That means you are both the beneficiaries of that respect.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“You should strive to find happiness every day and not believe that it comes at the end of the journey.”

• Bill Clinton

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Striving for Happiness

I like this quote because of the word “strive.” In our hyper-busy world, I think that we have to actively strive to find happiness in a way that truly fills our lives. We have to make the unexpected decisions about careers, follow our hearts, brush aside the overload that is thrown at us all the time, perhaps meditate about what we can be thankful for.

Finding happiness is a pursuit – a striving – a priority. Life hands us unexpected turns all the time – if we submerge our todays in mediocrity for the purpose of happiness tomorrow those twists and turns may mean we never actually find the happiness we seek.

I'm not talking about instant self-gratification above all else.  Simply that each of us should make assuring that each day includes some joy a priority.

What are you doing – today – to bring you joy?

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NEXT COUPLES PHONE COURSE STARTS ON SEPTEMBER 12.  SIGN UP NOW OR GET MORE INFO AT THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Honest failure is a badge of experience. All of you will fail at some time in your career, or in love or in life. No one ever sets out to fail. But being afraid to fail means you’ll be afraid to try.”
         - Steve Blank

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Don’t Be Afraid to Fail

Sustaining a good relationship (vs. initiating one) has much to do with trying new things and, sometimes, failing at them. To keep your sex life interesting, you might add new positions or toys (and, hopefully, laugh if they don’t turn out as expected!) You might try new ways to keep your household organized, or go to a world premier play to spruce up your date night only to be horrified by the content.

If one of you has ADHD, you will undoubtedly be experimenting with how to organize yourself better, how to stay on task, and how to remind yourself to be involved rather than distracted.

This experimenting is critically important work – never be afraid to try…and also measure your success so you can answer the question “is this a keeper…or do I move on?”

The partner to experimentation is creating an environment in which trying new things is valued. That means encouragement, rather than “that’s a stupid idea”…and responding with laughter rather than tears or frustration when something doesn’t work out as planned.

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NEXT COUPLES COURSE STARTS SEPTEMBER 12.  FIND OUT MORE AT THIS LINK.  The course is given by phone - what do you have to lose?

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“This is a moment to consider what ‘doing better’ really means.”
          -Anna Quindlen

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Anna Quindlen said this at the Grinnell College graduation ceremony this year. She was referring to how we think about personal success, but I think the quote is just as relevant to relationship success.

I urge you all to think about what ‘doing better’ really means within the context of your relationship. After years of thinking of this, I’ve decided that for me, ‘doing better’ means:

• Focusing on people and loving relationships, not stuff and projects

• Actively creating happy moments with those you love

• Encouraging everyone in my family to pursue something for which they have a passion, no matter how foreign that passion might be to me

• Learning how to say ‘no’ to obligations for which I have little time

• Finding something every day for which I can say “thank you”

What does “doing better” mean to you? And, so this isn’t too theoretical an exercise, are there things you can do to help you ‘do better?’

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NEXT MARRIAGE SEMINAR STARTS SEPTEMBER 12.  FOR COMPLETE INFORMATION OR TO REGISTER, GO TO THIS LINK.
 

© 2011 Melissa Orlov