Weekly Marriage Tips

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Charisma is not character. A magnetic personality doesn’t necessarily indicate a good heart.”
- Laura Linney

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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Charisma vs. Character

What goes on inside a marriage is often quite different from what it seems on the outside. Charisma, for example, is pretty easy to spot in any neighbor or acquaintance. But is it enough?

Linney would suggest not, and I agree. It’s not how popular or easy-going you are that counts, but whether or not you have the generosity of spirit and actions to sustain warmth between you. That generosity might show itself in odd ways – hanging a new towel up for your partner on a regular basis or perhaps caring for a critically ill pet longer than many might. When a partner has ADHD sometimes a generous spirit is hidden behind the problems that symptoms (particularly distraction) can cause. If your partner is generous in spirit but rarely remembers to show you that generosity, does it count?

I would suggest yes – with this proviso. Having a good heart is a critical component to long-term success in a relationship, as long as you can share it through actions. If you have ADHD and your intentions are not matched by your actions, get treatment so that you can show your partner – without being distracted - just how much you really care.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“We are doing things with our money that make us happy in the moment, but that’s not always the best strategy for long-term well-being."
         - Michael Norton, Harvard Business School professor who researches the psychology of happiness

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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Focus on the Now or Plan Long-Term?

Watch the budget impasses in Washington today and you might well want to tear your hair out (I do)! But the reality is that many of us have some of that “focus on the now and let the future take care of itself” mentality so rampant in DC. Michael Norton suggests that there are good ways to focus on the now, and not so good ways, when it comes to money.

Specifically, he suggests that spending to satisfy a personal craving – for example to eat fast food or buy a car – doesn’t do much for your long-term well being (not to mention your waistline!) On the other hand, spending money on travel with loved ones, or simply spending time with them, can. These activities strengthen relationships, and research demonstrates strong relationships are key to a healthy life and living longer.

Hmmm...winter vacation with my partner, or a car? Maybe the clunker has a few more years left in it!

MY NEXT COURSE FOR COUPLES STRUGGLING WITH ADHD STARTS ON MONDAY, JANUARY 9TH.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“There’s a message in Gabby for all women. We can’t control the things that happen in our lives, but we can control how we face them”

- Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, about her friend, Representative Gabby Giffords

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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Gabby Giffords and Control

There was a period in my marriage when I guarantee you I would NOT have wanted to be married to me! I was mean, belittling, angry and nagging…with a big chip on my shoulder. ‘How unfair that I ended up with a man who didn’t pay any attention to me,’ I thought!

And then there is Gabby Giffords, whose challenges put my own into perspective.

There is something to learn from her story and, to a lesser degree, from my own. Gabby has shown how true grit, determination, grace and optimism can help you overcome even the most significant odds. For me, deciding to respond differently – to stop nagging; be kind; and be empathetic took its own kind of grit and grace.

Perhaps we don’t all have Gifford’s internal fire, but I’m convinced we do all have the ability to change ourselves so we can all be truly proud of who we are. Giffords teaches us all a lesson – we can’t control what happens to us, but we can certainly control how we respond.

MY NEXT COURSE FOR COUPLES STRUGGLING WITH ADHD STARTS ON MONDAY, JANUARY 9TH.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

I will not be sending out another marriage tip until the New Year.  Time for (everyone) to take a vacation!

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Unlike the ‘me, me, me’ that most varieties of pleasure trigger, awe makes us feel warm and fuzzy toward those around us.”

• The Oprah Magazine

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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When was the last time you thought about doing something “awesome” in the truest sense of the word? Visiting the mountains, the Grand Canyon or Niagara Falls are ways nature can help us remember that we are part of something bigger. But you can also stay closer to home. Go to a science museum to look at a T-Rex. Watch a comet “storm” some summer night or star gaze. Go to a very large rock concert or sporting event and be part of a rowdy crowd. Go to church for religious contemplation.  Or, if you have grandkids, take a moment to watch in awe as they take their first steps or use newfound skills for the first time. (Does looking at a very small child’s hand give you a sense of awe and wonder? It does me!

If you’re looking to connect, consider seeking some “awe” together. Remembering that we are part of something bigger is a great way to regain perspective when things seem out of whack.

P.S.  Have a Happy Thanksgiving!
 

MY NEXT COURSE FOR COUPLES STRUGGLING WITH ADHD STARTS ON MONDAY, JANUARY 9TH.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“It’s not the power of the curse, it’s the power you give the curse.”

-Penelope

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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Take Back Your Power

To focus only on the negative aspects of ADHD is to give it more power than it deserves. The symptoms may become overwhelming or the task of taming it seem too big. But by thinking of ADHD as a series of symptoms that can be managed through a variety of specific strategies, you take the power away from the ADHD and take it back yourself.

The task then becomes difficult, but not Herculean. Step by step you can “take back” your life (and your relationship!) You can measure your success with specific strategies and throw out those that don’t work, keeping only those that do. As you prevail more and more often, optimism and positive reinforcement feed success in a way that negativity never can.

My next COUPLES course begins January 9th.  For more information or to register, go to the COURSE OVERVIEW.

Our next THERAPIST course begins January 10th.  Encourage your therapist to learn about ADHD and marriage from DR. NED HALLOWELL, MELISSA ORLOV, DR. KEVIN MURPHY AND SUE HALLOWELL while earning continuing education credits.  INFORMATION HERE.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“It is a blessing to get old. To take the time to see the trees…to take the time to listen to the music…”

-Maurice Sendak

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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Nature and music have in common a depth and breadth as you experience them. The experience of being in the woods includes not only seeing the trees but perhaps thousands (millions?) of other creatures. It’s about light and shadow and the sound of the leaves rustling in the wind. Then there is music – embodying our emotions, rich with texture that can evoke pain or ecstasy.

It’s not just that we take time as we get older to experience these things. It’s that we MAKE time because we know how precious and wonderful they are.

I feel that way about my marriage, too. As I get older and have more experience I can appreciate the depth and breadth of my experiences as a part of a couple. Treasuring all which that encompasses is a blessing, indeed.  I only wish I had started to think this way when I was a bit younger...

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.”

- Dr. Seuss, The Lorax

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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“Cares a Whole Awful Lot”

When I was newly married I had this impression that marriages just “happenned.” Somehow two people who loved each other would be fine. The details of what that meant or how that would happen were more than a little fuzzy.

Twenty-two years later I, and the rest of my peers, are significantly wiser! To have a happy marriage you have to “care a whole awful lot” AND “work a whole awful lot” too if you want to keep things fresh and stay lovingly open-minded. You give when you’re not sure you can, you reassess when your partner says you’re out of line (even if you don’t want to) and, perhaps most importantly, you make connecting and loving a top priority in your life.

Today, in our bustling lives, I think “cares a whole awful lot” in a relationship translates almost directly into “be willing to put aside other things to focus on your partner.” This means, in some ways, you are giving the gift of your undivided time…at least some of the time.

What do you think “cares a whole awful lot” means?

If you or your spouse has ADHD, please join our forum at www.adhdmarriage.com to ask your questions and learn from others who share your issues.  In addition, you'll find in-depth essays to help you learn how to thrive in a marriage affected by ADHD.

Hope to hear from you there!
 
Melissa Orlov

© 2011 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“We must recognize the truth of our history without letting ourselves become captive to it. Our personal history should inform but not confine our present path.”

-Christopher Gergen

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

Dr. Hallowell's website and sign-up for Hallowell Connections Newsletter

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Captive to the Past

Our unique personal history is how we got to our current “present path.” As such, it should certainly inform us. However, if we remain bound by that past then we assure that we will remain on the path we currently follow. For many struggling couples, that idea is too much to bear.

In order to free ourselves from the “captivity” of the past, my husband and I chose to create an “old relationship” and a “new relationship.” The old relationship is where the bad stuff happened. We acknowledge we did the best we could, but that we didn’t like the results. Our new relationship is the place where we make (and continue to make) the choices that will get us to a stronger love.

We refuse to be held captive by the old relationship interactions. Here are just a few of the specific ways we do this:

• Acknowledge we did the best we could. No one needs to “pay a price” for the mistakes we made in the old relationship – this is a fresh start

• Recognize that difficult emotions from the old relationship can be triggered in the new relationship but don’t warrant full scale war – my being angry with my husband, for example, still shakes him – but he quickly tells himself “that feeling is from the old relationship…I’ll deal with it constructively rather than lash back”

• Seek loving solutions to our issues by engaging actively with each other and respectfully considering our partner’s opinion, even if we don’t initially like it.

• Find new tools - particularly for couples contending with ADHD, finding new ways to do things that work well for those impacted by ADHD can really help create a new path.

Together, you can move away from being held captive by your past.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov