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by: J -
...or even irritation per se. It's the aggression that brings out fear. And the part about using it against you is the most troubling. If it's instilling fear in you, with intention, that's a means of controlling. If anger is used to control you, that also a form of manipulation if it's used to intimidate you, so you won't do it again. I can be around loud people, and be loud myself and no one really cares. It's not the volume or yelling that scares me. When someone is trying to...>>> on Forum topic - How to handle adhd partner when I'm confrontation adverse?
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m not quite convinced that the individualistic pursuit of happiness is the most important part of being human, after all. I think life is full of wonder. Meeting and connecting with other people, romantically and otherwise, is a way of expanding the world. To me, no amount of travel or luxury can be more fascinating than what can be created together with other people. Just came from a cultural event with a panel discussion afterwards, theme being this exactly. I hope, C, that...>>> on Forum topic - The seven years of bliss
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by: Swedish coast -
This is a milestone you’re facing, I’m happy for you. I acknowledge that deep love of yours. It’s beautiful in its own right, whether the relationship has been worthy of it or not. In a way, the depth of what you’ve contributed makes it all meaningful in my eyes. It’s like I’m beginning to view my marriage too - not as a waste, but as a precious thing. It’s comforting. I hope you’ll have good days ahead. If not, we’re here for you.>>> on Forum topic - The seven years of bliss
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by: Swedish coast -
Being from a large family where some roughness was accepted between kids (though not between adults, who were very civilized), I have some tolerance for raised voices. It’s not the tone of voice per se that stresses me most, but dismissiveness. People turning away coldly from a person hot with emotion is not uncomplicated either to me. That was me during childhood, never really been taught how to handle difficult emotions. Sometimes I feel the emotional person could be met with something - resistance...>>> on Forum topic - How to handle adhd partner when I'm confrontation adverse?
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by: c ur self -
True love felt and nurtured in a heart can be abandoned (or forced) for many different reasons...But at least a remnant never goes away...Tomorrow is her last day to live in the house with me (she's not with me, is the reason it's the last day)...I'm very happy, but, also very sad...I love deeply! c>>> on Forum topic - The seven years of bliss
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Thank you for your insights. Sometimes I feel as if I am caught in a whirlpool of chaos and uncertain if what I am feeling/thinking is valid. Your comments really helped to show that I am on the right path. I am a person who always does what they say they will do, or at least will communicate if I am unable to accomplish it. It is very difficult for me to understand how my husband may not be able to follow through, but then is even unable to communicate that to me (when it would only take a moment a...>>> on Forum topic - How should ADD spouse build trust
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by: MelWifeOfADHD -
This is a regular debate of mine too!! I guess shouting means different things because my adhd OH always says/shouts that he's not shouting. Perhaps it is that i pick up there is an irritation. I just get told I'm sensitive. I am, but it's used against me. I know that because I've yet to be around anyone else and think 'why are they shouting?'>>> on Forum topic - How to handle adhd partner when I'm confrontation adverse?
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by: J -
This is something I've recently said to my ADHD SO. If it's at the top of your lungs kind of yelling that the neighbors can hear....or even less but it's loud yelling....that's abusive. I'd walk away from that. Abuse isn't allowed, but where do you draw the line? Is raised voices allowed but not yelling? How can you tell? Is raised civil discourse allowed? How about agitation? I'm saying this because that's the description that is moat used for me. Agitation. It's not full blown anger, it's not...>>> on Forum topic - How to handle adhd partner when I'm confrontation adverse?
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by: MelWifeOfADHD -
Those without adhd don't immediately start shouting or being aggressive. It can be difficult to hear anything past that because generally, we read all forms of language, the words, the tone, body language, the pitch, etc. I presume this is innate and done to protect us from dangers, eg, does this pitch and tone seem aggressive am I going to get hurt? In turn, the response is a typical one for that situation, fear based, anxious, defensive. My adhd partner usually receives the same...>>> on Forum topic - How to handle adhd partner when I'm confrontation adverse?
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by: J -
Is to try and separate ( differentiate ) the overreacting from the things that triggered it ie: the actual thing that he's angry about. Just last night, I was really upset at something from work and my SO wasn't hearing me. All she could hear was how I angry I was, and the facts on the surface. I started to repeat myself ( perseveration ) and now she became focused on that. She responded with general comments like : people are like that....or....everyone has to go through this at work blah, blah...>>> on Forum topic - How to handle adhd partner when I'm confrontation adverse?
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by: wrong-thunder -
Managing emotions like anger and frustration can indeed be challenging for individuals with ADHD. The condition affects impulse control, emotional regulation, and frustration tolerance, making it easier to become overwhelmed by strong emotions. Here are some strategies that may help: 1. **Mindfulness**: Practicing mindfulness can help individuals become more aware of their emotions and responses in the moment. 2. **Cognitive Behavioral Techniques**: These techniques can help reframe negative...>>> on Forum topic - Managing Emotions in ADHD: Anger and Frustration
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by: dmpro -
It sounds like he's using financial control as a way to manipulate the situation while avoiding accountability for his behavior. By refusing to file jointly and suddenly withdrawing financial management—something he previously handled—he’s not just setting boundaries; he’s punishing you for standing firm on your needs. This shift isn’t about fairness or teamwork; it’s about maintaining power and forcing you into a vulnerable position. You’ve made it clear that real change needs to happen before...>>> on Forum topic - My husband's behavior is caused by my ADHD?
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by: Gadi Harshini -
You're right—this isn't normal, and you're not broken. What you're describing sounds like emotional manipulation, not a healthy partnership. Your husband has fixated on your ADHD as the sole cause of all relationship issues, which allows him to avoid accountability for his own behavior. That's not fair, nor is it a healthy dynamic. You’ve done everything a responsible partner could—medication, therapy, relationship coaching, reading, listening, and making real efforts to improve. But instead of...>>> on Forum topic - My husband's behavior is caused by my ADHD?
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by: Swedish coast -
J, thanks for your kindness. I feel like you do, quitting is sometimes necessary, but it’s not what I want. Losing a person is losing an entire world, too.>>> on Forum topic - The seven years of bliss
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by: J -
I just re-established something I've always known. I can take this all the way back to when I was 7 years old and nothing has changed in over 60 years. Your body will adjust to what ever stress you give it. Simple fact. With excersise, this is a positive thing. When I pulled myself out my last deep depression, I was in an unhealthy physical state. I went back to what I know best...swimming. The first day back, I could only swim 20 minutes. I was sucking air so hard I was experiencing syncope,...>>> on Forum topic - Ongoing mild depression
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by: 1Melody1 -
Accountability builds trust. He is deflecting here. He wants you to place blind trust in him that he hasn't earned and has broken in the past. That's on him, not you. He needs to rebuild trust one small action at a time over a long period of time for you trust that it's real. Big or small, if he says he'll do something, he needs to do it. He needs to be transparent regarding his business. And HE needs to be responsible for how he accomplishes those things with ADHD. Don't accept responsibility for his...>>> on Forum topic - How should ADD spouse build trust
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by: J -
I've heard this philosophy before, and it actually makes sense. The idea, that when a relationship has fulfilled the needs of both people but no longer serves that purpose. This goes directly against the traditional notion of marriage, and in my mind, has nothing to do with sex or the need for a variety of intimate partners. It just means, it was meant to be for a time and that time is over. The relationship has ran its course and has come to it natural conclusion ie: it was never meant to go any...>>> on Forum topic - The seven years of bliss
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by: J -
Honestly, I recently noted a shift in my behavior too. More like something just snapped from one thing that was said. I already avoid conversations to keep the peace and avoid conflict, but my SO was the one who brought up sex the other day ( which is a subject that is not talked with intention on my part ). The subject was actually about intimacy, and in her mind ( as it appears ) she's adaquately satisfied with the physical intimacy level we have right now. No real outward signs that...>>> on Forum topic - I didn't sign up for this
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by: Swedish coast -
Sorry about this. I think in some of these situations, non partners need to not overwork themselves spoon-feeding ADD partners relationship remedies only to be yelled at. I know first hand how ADD can ruin trust over time. There was literally nothing I could do about it except exhaust myself and be treated poorly as a consequence.>>> on Forum topic - How should ADD spouse build trust
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by: barkmeow -
Looking back, there were always issues and for too long I did actually think everything was my fault. I’ve been grateful for lots of therapy and supportive friends and family. Thank you for your comment.>>> on Forum topic - My husband's behavior is caused by my ADHD?
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