Weekly Marriage Tips

The first time the word ‘divorce’ is used in a relationship, everything changes.  But perhaps not the way that people expect.  It seems that partners often threaten divorce (perhaps in the heat of an argument) as a way to express their deep despair and motivate their partner to change.

What often happens, instead, is that the threat of divorce destabilizes the relationship.  The declaration suggests that at least one of you might be ready to leave – making all decisions bigger, scarier, and more tenuous.  This tends to solidify positions and/or paralyze at least one partner.  Just the opposite of the intended effect.

A more effective approach would be to express what your dreams are that you are so struggling to reach.  Create a picture of where you want to go that your partner can engage with you around.  If you must talk about hopelessness or sadness that you are starting to feel, see if you can place that within the positives you so long to experience together.  Be transparent without creating a story based in fear.  In doing so, you may increase your chances that your partner will be able to take on what you are saying and respond in a more open and, hopefully, supportive way.

Read More: ADHD Doesn't Cause Divorce, Denial Does

ONGOING:

➤  ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Self-study Seminar Available Now!

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar  has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024.  

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

Do you think about loving yourself as the base upon which love for another can grow?  Or that love between two people can only succeed if both are committed to the nurturing of it?

There is much to learn about loving oneself and we do not always do it well.  

As one example, I have historically held myself to VERY high standards – leading to a lot of self-criticism and an inability to internalize a compliment when bestowed.  That critiquing habit leaked out towards my spouse, as well (by now you all know about parent-child dynamics!)  

Therapy has served me well as a way to learn to love myself more fully.  I learned to open up the boxes inside me and get to the childhood roots of my difficult feelings.  I better identified all of the injuries I had taken on (see the list in Brown’s quote), looked at how I had responded, and did the hard work of healing and repairing that comes after a divorce.

The idea that love is nurtured – and that the first love to nurture is the love you hold for yourself – is a very powerful one.  It’s also critical to note that when you are part of a couple you cannot nurture love alone.

What do these ideas bring up for you?

ONGOING:

➤  ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Self-study Seminar Available Now!

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar  has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. (There will be NO spring seminar in 2024.) 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (Registration open) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

This is a powerful idea for identifying what is truly most meaningful to you.  Who would you write to?  Would there be more than one letter?  What would you want to say?

I took Gupta’s idea to heart one day when I was on a plane and looking for something to do.  I wrote two letters – one to my partner, and one to my children.  I’m not heading into the battlefield and will likely not share my thoughts immediately.  But writing them did focus me on some important truths that deserve to be expressed somehow, someday (maybe without the references to death!)  Further, writing these notes reinforced that the path that my life is now on is one that is nurturing me and providing great joy.

Would you be willing to write a ‘letter from the battlefield’ and see what it brings forward?

REGISTRATION OPEN:

➤  Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups - Only two groups open  Limited to 10 participants.  Two topics per day.  Recorded for the confidential use.

• Join a community of people exploring similar issues
• Learn from each other's successes and struggles
• Discover new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar  has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. (There will be NO spring seminar in 2024.) 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (Registration open) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

ADHD can be hard to live with, but it can also be a superpower.  Both of these extraordinary women understand the ups and downs of their ADHD and that it is not always a blessing.  But they also recognize specific strengths their ADHD imparts and have really dug into, and utilized, those strengths.

I worry when I hear an ADHD partner say that they don’t wish to address any aspect of their ADHD because they fear it will take away the benefits they like.  Fear is the most important word in this sentence because it clouds the potential win if they could not only use their strengths but also address some of the harder challenges.  Thinking of this potential ‘win/win,’ I will often recommend that they lean into their strengths while also trying to assess and address the struggles where change could make the biggest difference for them.  Don’t select the hardest thing – select the thing that will make the biggest difference.

So, they might: try medications to improve their attentiveness to their partner (they can always stop if they don’t like the effects); choose to delegate key tasks to eliminate conflict over missed deadlines; or share work with another who has complementary skills to create a better product at work as just a few examples.

Can you lead into your ADHD strengths and take on some of its bigger challenges?

Does your ADHD partner say that they don’t wish to address any aspect of their ADHD? (read more above)

STARTING NEXT WEEK:

➤  Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups - Limited to 10 participants.  Two topics per day.  Recorded for the confidential use.

Objectives:

• have you be part of a community of people exploring similar issues
• learn from each other's successes and struggles
• find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar  has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. (There will be NO spring seminar in 2024.) 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (Registration open) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

Sleep deprivation is a big, big deal when it comes to ADHD.  It makes ADHD symptoms worse; it makes it harder to control your emotions; it diminishes your performance; and it interferes with becoming more reliable in your life and relationship by interfering with creating new habits.

Phew!

Sadly, (and inconveniently!) the majority of those with ADHD have significant sleep issues.  Everything from natural diurnal clocks that don’t align with many jobs to sleep apnea and too much (exhausting) REM sleep.  What do you do?

I have put together a list of ideas on the science of getting more sleep.  I urge you to check out this blog post on how to get better sleep.  It may help you create a more regular sleep schedule.  If you try, and those ideas don’t work, consider going to a sleep specialist to see if you have a hard-to-notice sleep issue that can be corrected.  I know one woman, for example, who just felt exhausted all the time.  A sleep specialist diagnosed that not only did she have Sleep Apnea but that REM sleep was too large a portion of her sleep cycle.  Since REM sleep is quite exhausting to the brain, this was contributing to her feeling constantly tired.  The combination of a C-Pap machine and an anti-depressant (which diminishes REM sleep, as it turns out) has made a huge difference in her energy and ability to perform to the levels she chooses.

For those who sleep with a snoring partner, I’ve just discovered the joys of pink noise.  You can get 12-hours of uninterrupted pink noise through Spotify that does a great job (at not a very high volume) of smoothing out the ‘bumpiness’ of snoring that wakes partners up.

Do you or your partner struggle with getting enough sleep?  Take it seriously!

REGISTRATION OPEN, STARTING SOON:

➤  Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups - Limited to 10 participants.  Two topics per day.  Recorded for the confidential use of participants.

The objectives of the support group are to:

• have you be part of a community of people exploring similar issues
• learn from each other's successes and struggles
• find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar  has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. (There will be NO spring seminar in 2024.) 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (Registration open) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

Sometimes research makes me laugh.  Anyone who has been in ANY relationship doesn’t need a study to tell them that when you are emotionally and energetically depleted you don’t communicate as well!

And yet, I share this with you because it also provides insight into ways to improve communication.  Specifically, depleted ADHD partners communicated worse than non-depleted ADHD partners as well as all non-ADHD partners in this research.  If you want to have an important conversation, don’t initiate it during times of emotional or physical depletion.

Makes sense, right?  But I’m willing to bet that without realizing it, non-ADHD partners assume that their ADHD partner can tolerate the same levels of depletion as they can.  And according to this research, that’s not true.  ADHD partners are MORE sensitive to the same amounts of depletion than others. Put in Ned Hallowell language, they already have weak brakes on that race car brain.  Depletion may eliminate the brakes all together.

Equipped with this idea, why don’t the two of you spend this week looking for energy patterns in you both.  Are you better in the morning or night?  After work?  Weekends?  Before or after eating or exercise?  What might you learn?

Could this impact the timing of when you have your next difficult conversation?

STARTING NEXT WEEK:

➤  Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups - The one hour Zoom group is limited to 10 participants - enough people to get a good conversation going, but not so many that you can't speak up.  The group itself, or the group leader, picks a topic for the day.  It will be recorded for the confidential use of participants in case they have a conflict.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar  has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. (There will be NO spring seminar in 2024.) 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration open) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

I love this image as a call out for love, and want to pursue the analogy as it applies to ADHD-impacted relationships.

An important ray of light that is useful for both ADHD partners and non-ADHD partners is learning to be more self-compassionate.  In doing so you shower yourself with love.  When your inner hurt little child shows up, you can observe them and give them an internal hug.  You can say ‘of course you couldn’t take care of this complicated issue when you were 8!  It’s okay.  I still love you.’  Or, perhaps, ‘you/I took an awful lot of criticism when I was growing up, and of course it hurts!  I/you didn’t have the support needed back then to withstand the onslaught, and that little version of me deserves a hug.’

It takes hard work to tame the inner critic.  But there are inspirational authors, as well as CBT and IFS therapists who can help you start the process.  I also personally found the book Boundary Boss helps many women start to address some of these issues.

Removing your internal critic is a gift you give yourself, and well worth the effort.  Do you know how you might start being self-compassionate?

➤  SPRING REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN! - Non-ADHD partner support groups (starting in March and April) Participants support each other, explore their biggest issues and most pressing problems, and get advice from the group leader - and from each other.  Develop strategies for finding satisfaction and happiness as you explore how to traverse this complicated life you have.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar  has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. (There will be NO spring seminar in 2024.) 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration now open for eight groups) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

Have you ever thought “I need to do better!” in a self-judgmental way?  If you don’t have ADHD, you probably can let that idea go and live your life – at least until the next time you do something you don’t love.

BUT, if you have ADHD, that feeling might be your life.  Because you grew up being critiqued – a lot – and it hasn’t stopped.  In fact, one of the harshest critics may well be your self-critic.

Research suggests that kids with ADHD get an astounding 20,000 additional critiques by the time they are 12 when compared to neurotypical kids.  And think about who they are hanging out with – parents, friends, teachers, coaches, family.  People whom they trust.  No wonder those with ADHD, and women in particular, internalize a message that they just don’t measure up.  

I observe that virtually ALL adults with ADHD have suffered these emotional wounds.  Women, in particular, suffer.  As expert Sari Solden notes, ‘women with ADHD spend years being dismissed, discounted, told they are overreacting, oversensitive or ditzy.  They worry about whether or not they will be good enough mothers, are too sloppy, don’t make dinner at the right time, don’t clean up well enough…it’s a huge burden.’

Moving away from self-judgment can be difficult, but it can be done.  Look for inspiration from ADHD authors, from success stories, and from seeking ways to develop more self-compassion.  This last might need some assistance from close friends, through meditation, reflection, journaling, or even a professional.

ADHD or not, woman, man, non-binary or any other way you identify…you are worthy of love and healing of those wounds.  I’m sending you a hug.

READ MORE:

➤  ADHD and Women   

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar  has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (Registration will open on THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 29, 2024 at 12:00 PM ET) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

I think most of us have untold stories inside of us.  I was lucky in that I like to write, and get at least some of mine out in my work.  I enjoy the process of thinking about what stories need to be told.

But I think there are other stories that are harder to access:

• The pain of dreaming your life would be one way and having it turn out another
• About loneliness in a relationship, or not feeling seen
• The devastation of having ADHD and feeling misunderstood or judged by almost everyone

Angelou wasn’t just talking about hardship, of course.  There are happy stories that need telling, too.  The joy of seeing your daughter grow into an amazing person and knowing she’s going to be a great mom soon.  Or how you grew to carve your special place in the world.

Connection is good for us all, and stories connect.  Who can you connect with to share your stories that need telling?

IT'S NOT TOO LATE:

➤  ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Started February 13TH, but ALL sessions are recorded.

There are couples out there that think Valentine’s is a great holiday. But I don’t see many of them in my marriage consulting practice. Instead, right around February 15, I inevitably start fielding calls about hopelessness & disappointment. Is this you? 

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar  has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration is open for seminar starting February 2024. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. (There will be NO spring seminar in 2024.) 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

An interesting thing about the word ‘silly.’  It’s quite judgmental.  And yet I am guessing we have all used this sort of judgmental language or thinking before.  I know I have.

We all have needs and feelings.  They are real.  If you put them aside by calling them silly they don’t necessarily just go away.  So then what?

We have a right to all of our feelings, including feeling that we need something.  It is when we acknowledge and name whatever feeling we have (i.e. we ‘own’ it) that we can actually start to address it.

Please take a deep breath next time you judge a feeling as being silly, not worthy, awful, or any other adjective.  Then, ask yourself what your feeling is telling you…underneath.

VALENTINE'S DAY IS NEXT WEEK - REIGNITE ROMANCE IN YOUR ADHD-IMPACTED RELATIONSHIP

When we marry, we hope to remain happily married until death, yet that is not the experience that most of us have. Committed relationships generally include plenty of significant bumps and bruises. - Turn your relationship around - learn communication techniques known to help couples impacted by ADHD

STARTING FEBRUARY 13TH REGISTER NOW ➤  ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar  

- 9-week via Zoom.

- $299 for 18+ hours of content - that's less than $17 per hour per couple!

- Includes recordings, slides & live Q&As every week.

- NO spring seminar in 2024. 

P.S. Consider putting a reminder into your cell phone (or two, or three!) that will remind you to do something special for your partner on Feb. 14.  :) 

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar  has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration is open for seminar starting February 2024. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.