Weekly Marriage Tips

I have been giving a lot of thought lately to self-compassion. When I came across this poem it made my heart warm.  I love the image of past selves supporting showing kindness to our current self…as well as the very positive idea of personal growth this poem suggests.  

In all of us there can be many wise, supportive and caring past selves urging us on.  And a hope that who you are today will support who you become in the future.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

I was blown away when I heard this brain expert talking about how the brain predictively creates our perception of our experiences as it pieces together why it is probably getting the signals it is getting.

This is so backwards from the idea that I’m used to - that our environment creates our experiences – that I had to really stop and think.  But, though it’s a new idea to me, it does make sense.  And supports the idea that context means a great deal.

Context is part of the power of learning about ADHD.  As one example, learning that an ADHD partner’s distraction doesn’t equal “I don’t love you” but rather “I am distracted (symptom).”

The predictive nature of our brain’s interpretations (which turns out to be an evolutionary, energy-saving feature of the human brain, according to Barrett) can slow healing and change, though.  With the brain basing its experiences on past knowledge, it can take a while for partners to stop being nervous about what ‘might’ happen.  In the past, the initial signals in a sequence may have meant something specific (‘you are unloved’).  Now it doesn’t need to.

One way to retrain your brain to interpret things in new ways is with the power of thinking ‘intentionally’ about changing your perceptions and moving into your new future.  Now that you have more accurate context, you can train yourself and your brain to more positively experience the signals you are receiving.

Phew!  Is this an interesting, new way to think about the brain for you, too?

FREE:

➤  Get two free chapters of "The ADHD Effect on Marriage"

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

Sometimes when I work with couples, I notice a distinct power struggle going on.  It often shows up when one or both partners feel “You (my partner) must do X because that is what I/we need to be happy.”  That’s another way of saying ‘you need to do X because it’s the right thing to do.”  Sadly, this thinking, while common, does not acknowledge the free will of the other partner.  In a healthy relationship you can request a change that will please you, but you cannot define it nor demand it…no matter how important that change feels to you.

Stop for 30 seconds, close your eyes, and think of all of the things you feel your partner must change in order for the relationship to be successful.

Thanks for doing that.  Now…let’s talk about boundaries.  Because as desperate as you might feel about how your partner doesn’t follow through consistently, or how frustrated your partner often is with you, it isn’t about telling your partner to do what you think is right.  Because only they get to define what is right for them.

What changes am I suggesting you make here?  First, talk about what you, yourself desire.  Stay focused on you rather than telling your partner what to do (even if they ask you to!).  Second, if you wish your partner to act in a certain way, ask if they might be willing to do so rather than telling them they must (thus recognizing their agency.  They don’t have to do anything for you if they don’t wish to). Third, call out power struggles when you see them so the two of you can figure out if the struggle is the result of one or both of you stepping outside your own boundaries.  That may provide you insight into how you might recover from the misstep.

Do either of you tell the other what is right for that other partner?

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

Are you an ADHD partner resisting the idea of getting an evaluation or treating your ADHD?  Do you have a child with ADHD that you’re resisting treating?  I hope that this quote will help you reconsider.  Anxiety and depression are not the only common co-existing conditions with ADHD.  Other issues include substance abuse, low self-esteem and feelings of shame.

Treatment is critical – but remember I’m not just talking about medications.  There are three legs of effective ADHD treatment – the physiological treatments that help change how your brain functions, the habit changes that improve executive functioning (such as reminder and time management systems) and the interactive structures you put in place with your partner.  For kids, there are study and test taking skills they can be taught, special classroom placement that helps them focus, and more.

If you would like an overview of how to optimize management of ADHD, go to my homepage to download my free optimizing treatment ebook.

You may have reasons for not wanting to dig deeply into managing ADHD.  But, as Ned Hallowell likes to say, not trying known treatments for ADHD and hoping symptoms will improve is like not trying glasses when you have poor eyesight.  Please reconsider.

FREE SUMMIT FOR MEN WITH ADHD:

➤  On the Right ADHD Trail May 17-19, 2024. Register here

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (Registration open) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

I hear a lot of negativity about partners in my work.  I get it – many of you are in incredibly stressful situations in your relationship.  But Hendrix’s idea that ‘The job for all human beings is to be safe for others’ has the potential to be a simple and powerful north star for guiding one’s own behaviors towards everyone, but particularly our spouses.

What might this look like?  Here are some examples:

• A partner with ADHD starts medications to manage her volatility and stop throwing things at her partner when she’s angry
• An angry non-ADHD partner chooses to wait until both partners are calm to express her concerns, rather than join in her partner’s angry tirade
• A distracted partner works with a coach to find the energy and skillset to be more attentive to a partner who has expressed they feel lonely
• A non-ADHD partner in ‘parenting mode’ waits until she sees a pattern of behaviors that concern her before speaking calmly with her ADHD wife, rather than critique each issue as it comes up

I have suggested a similar idea in my seminar – ask yourself ‘how can I be kind?’ when addressing your partner.

However you choose to proceed, it’s clear that there is no real room for put downs and negativity in healthy relationships.  Could you do better on this front?

ONGOING:

➤  ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Self-study Seminar Available Now!

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar  has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

Let’s explore these concepts a bit:

Lead with presence:  Be fully in the conversation, and paying attention to your partner.  One of the reasons Learning Conversations are effective for couples impacted by ADHD is that they are structured conversations of intent.  In order for a Learning Conversation to be held, both partners must be emotionally and intelligently present.  Scheduled emotions meetings are another way to ensure full engagement.

There are other ways to be present, too.  Look your partner in the eye.  Hold her hand.  Keep your voice calm.  Take a moment to digest what your partner has said and consider your response before jumping in.  Listen, before formulating a response.  All of these help create an effective conversation.

Come from a place of curiosity and care.  Be open, engaged, and focus on the OTHER person, rather than on yourself.  There will be lots of time to address your concerns at some other point in the future.  In the meantime, being curious about what your partner is saying is a great way to make your partner feel ‘seen.’

Focus on what matters.  Sometimes that means looking for what’s underneath the most obvious issue at hand.  Particularly when anger or frustration are present, it’s easy to get caught in the superficial issues at hand (the anger is unpleasant) rather than what really matters (the anger is based in a fear that you might leave.)  Be curious about what’s underneath, and be willing to go there if your partner (or you) need to do so.

Can Sofer’s suggestions improve your conversations?

ONGOING:

➤  ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Self-study Seminar Available Now!

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar  has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. (There will be NO spring seminar in 2024.) 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

Well…yes.  Provided the emotions include at least some joy, pleasure, affection, gratitude, love and others.  I know life isn’t all puppies and rainbows.  On the other hand, it can’t be all emotional abuse, either.

One common coping strategy for dealing with difficult emotions or situations is to box them off or turn away from them. Ignoring these emotions provides the benefit of removing them from creating pain.  That makes the present moment feel easier.  But it also deadens your life, and Goleman’s quote suggests why.  

Take a look at your emotional life.  What parts of both the positive and the negative can you view as a rich tapestry that comprises you and your life?  Are you appreciating the idea that all emotions contribute to a rich life?  Might you be willing to start deconstructing any boxes you have created and dealing with difficult emotions so that pain can flow through you in a healthy way?  (This is far better for you than holding pain inside and allowing it to fester.)

I like the idea of your mix of emotions making a rich life.  Do you?

ONGOING:

➤  ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Self-study Seminar Available Now!

➤ May 17 - 19 ADHD TELESUMMIT - SPECIFICALLY FOR MEN! Register here. 

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar  has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024.  

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

The first time the word ‘divorce’ is used in a relationship, everything changes.  But perhaps not the way that people expect.  It seems that partners often threaten divorce (perhaps in the heat of an argument) as a way to express their deep despair and motivate their partner to change.

What often happens, instead, is that the threat of divorce destabilizes the relationship.  The declaration suggests that at least one of you might be ready to leave – making all decisions bigger, scarier, and more tenuous.  This tends to solidify positions and/or paralyze at least one partner.  Just the opposite of the intended effect.

A more effective approach would be to express what your dreams are that you are so struggling to reach.  Create a picture of where you want to go that your partner can engage with you around.  If you must talk about hopelessness or sadness that you are starting to feel, see if you can place that within the positives you so long to experience together.  Be transparent without creating a story based in fear.  In doing so, you may increase your chances that your partner will be able to take on what you are saying and respond in a more open and, hopefully, supportive way.

Read More: ADHD Doesn't Cause Divorce, Denial Does

ONGOING:

➤  ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Self-study Seminar Available Now!

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar  has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024.  

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

Do you think about loving yourself as the base upon which love for another can grow?  Or that love between two people can only succeed if both are committed to the nurturing of it?

There is much to learn about loving oneself and we do not always do it well.  

As one example, I have historically held myself to VERY high standards – leading to a lot of self-criticism and an inability to internalize a compliment when bestowed.  That critiquing habit leaked out towards my spouse, as well (by now you all know about parent-child dynamics!)  

Therapy has served me well as a way to learn to love myself more fully.  I learned to open up the boxes inside me and get to the childhood roots of my difficult feelings.  I better identified all of the injuries I had taken on (see the list in Brown’s quote), looked at how I had responded, and did the hard work of healing and repairing that comes after a divorce.

The idea that love is nurtured – and that the first love to nurture is the love you hold for yourself – is a very powerful one.  It’s also critical to note that when you are part of a couple you cannot nurture love alone.

What do these ideas bring up for you?

ONGOING:

➤  ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Self-study Seminar Available Now!

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar  has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. (There will be NO spring seminar in 2024.) 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (Registration open) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

This is a powerful idea for identifying what is truly most meaningful to you.  Who would you write to?  Would there be more than one letter?  What would you want to say?

I took Gupta’s idea to heart one day when I was on a plane and looking for something to do.  I wrote two letters – one to my partner, and one to my children.  I’m not heading into the battlefield and will likely not share my thoughts immediately.  But writing them did focus me on some important truths that deserve to be expressed somehow, someday (maybe without the references to death!)  Further, writing these notes reinforced that the path that my life is now on is one that is nurturing me and providing great joy.

Would you be willing to write a ‘letter from the battlefield’ and see what it brings forward?

REGISTRATION OPEN:

➤  Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups - Only two groups open  Limited to 10 participants.  Two topics per day.  Recorded for the confidential use.

• Join a community of people exploring similar issues
• Learn from each other's successes and struggles
• Discover new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar  has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. (There will be NO spring seminar in 2024.) 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (Registration open) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.