Weekly Marriage Tips

The Journey, Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—

though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.

"Mend my life!”

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.

It was already late
enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,

that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do—

determined to save
the only life you could save.

Happy New Year! Cheers to new beginnings.

You probably have accomplished more than you think in the past year. Acknowledging these accomplishments can help you set realistic goals for 2024 and allow you to be optimistic about your ability to reach next targets. Read my suggestions on how to prepare for the New Year.

REGISTRATION OPEN:

➤  ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Starting February 2024.

➤  Non ADHD Partner Support Group - Only three groups remaining. Meet with others who have been living a similar experience to your own.  Together - with others who get what you've been going through, and with a talented moderator  - you explore what works and what doesn't and develop strategies alongside others who traverse this complicated life.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar  has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration is open for seminar starting February 2024. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. (There will be NO spring seminar in 2024.) 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (few spots remaining) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (now full)- Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

Most people with ADHD I have encountered are hyper-vigilant.  As kids they may have been bullied, told they were lazy or bad, struggled with things that seem easy to others.  They may have had an alcoholic parent, or a chronically distracted parent unable to help them feel fully loved.  They may have been smart but unable to focus academically.  Kids with ADHD are often the victims of criticism, anger and heartbreak.  And, yes, they struggle to focus.

The resulting hyper-vigilance (or hyper-arousal) results in being easily overwhelmed by emotion.  If every little thing seems as if it might be a threat, and your brain creates lots of emotions (as ADHD brains do), it’s easy for the emotions to take over.  Fast.

It would be easy to suggest that partners of those with ADHD should make it their job to create a ‘safe’ environment to calm ADHD hyper-vigilance.  But that would be too simplistic and does not get at the fact that not only is hyper-vigilance about input, but also that hyper-vigilance comes from inside, and is caused by trauma. 

Until you can start to heal that trauma, it’s hard to address the triggering.  One of the best ways to deal with trauma is EMDR therapy, as well as EFT.  But even if those modes of therapy aren’t available, a professional that can help you explore the emotional injuries that you carry around can be a big help.

Would you consider therapy to heal your inner trauma? 

EVENTS:

➤  For those who celebrate, I wish you a peaceful and loving Hanukkah.

➤  Non ADHD Partner Support Group - Registration is open. Five of the ten groups are full. Develop strategies for finding satisfaction and happiness.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration open for seminar starting February 2024.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration open) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (now full)- Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

Consider your relationships.  Which are happiest and which are hardest?  In which ones are you most likely to devalue the other person…or be devalued by the other person (most likely, both)?

Then think about your hardest interactions.  Criticism, venting, correcting – these are all forms of devaluing the efforts of another, or even that other person herself.

Now think about the reward-focused, ADHD brain.  It is a brain that is hard-wired through the attention and reward system to respond to positive feedback.

I don’t want to delve too deeply into specific examples here.  Rather, I ask you to take a few minutes to just think about this question:  How might overtly trying to create value in my interactions with my partner, and stop devaluing my partner, change how we are as a couple?  And, in tandem, what do I need from my partner that would make me feel more valued?

SUPPORT GROUPS:

➤  Non-ADHD SUPPORT GROUPS: - Meet with others who have been living a similar experience to your own.  Together - with others who get what you've been going through, and with a talented moderator  - you explore what works and what doesn't and develop strategies alongside others who traverse this complicated life.

➤  FOUNDATIONS IN HABIT DEVELOPMENT - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar with Melissa Orlov. 

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration Open. Starts February 2024.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration open) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (registration open) - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

Beatty is not talking about separation or divorce here.  She is talking about letting go of the illusion of control, and setting strong boundaries around what is our own responsibility vs. what is our partner’s responsibility.  Many couples impacted by ADHD don’t have great boundaries – in fact, it’s quite possible you have the parent/child dynamic going in your relationship.  That’s an excellent example of disordered boundaries.

The idea of freeing others to be who they are is particularly scary for many non-ADHD partners, who may fear that their ADHD partner is not capable of adequately managing ADHD…and for some (certainly not all) this is the case.  So non-ADHD partners tend to spend too much time trying to control their situation - and their partner - in an effort to affect change and move that partner closer to what the non-ADHD partner hopes for.  Sadly, the most likely ADHD partner response to that pushing or parenting behavior (sometimes called codependence) is defiance, escape, and digging in.  Sometimes depression, anxiety or chronic anger may set in, too.  The most likely outcome for the non-ADHD partner is frustration, anger and hopelessness.

The healthier and more effective approach would be for both partners to take control only of their own issues, and support the other partner’s efforts to rise to their potential.  In other words, dramatically improve their boundaries.  Life will still have ups and downs, but your relationship will be significantly healthier with better boundaries in place.

Focusing on your own needs, and better enacting your own boundaries, can free you both to love each other based upon who you both truly are.  Or, once you are viewing each other based upon accepting your amazing parts as well as your imperfections, you may discover that you aren’t as good a fit as you thought you were.  In which case it frees you to move away from a relationship that ultimately wasn’t going to work well for you.

News and Events:

➤  Registration for the non-ADHD partner support groups opens up Dec 5 and dates and times of the groups are already posted. NOTE: these fill up very quickly! 

➤  International Conference on ADHD - Top ADHD experts. My virtual presentation: Communication Techniques that Work for ADHD-Impacted Couples - December 6, 2023, 12:00 - 1:00 PM. 

In-Person: November 30–December 2

Online: December 5–December 6

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration opens Dec 5th) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

Last summer I learned the power of staying in the present moment vs. fearing what might happen.  I was fearing I might run into two people who had traumatized me whom I really didn’t wish to see.  The anxiety I felt as I contemplated that fear really made me feel horrible.  Turns out there is some neuroscience at work here.  When we ruminate about a fear of a possible future event, our brain responds as if we are actually living that traumatic potential event in the present moment!  It doesn’t differentiate between the feared event and the actual event.  In other words, by living in a state of anxiety about a potential trauma we further traumatize ourselves and add to our injury even though the dreaded event may not ever happen.

Wow!

I think about all the partners I know who spend so much of their time anticipating a difficult future interaction – one that is difficult because of past traumas - and I am blown away by the fact that any of us are still standing!

There is a way out.  In my case, I prepared a way to calmly respond should the dreaded encounter actually happen.  Then I promised myself that the last person I should be hurting is myself by being anxious and living an event in my mind that might not happen.  I was able to let go of my fear of future interactions and live the present moment as it came to me.  Applying this approach generally to anxious feelings has been, quite literally, life changing.  

In a relationship, it takes two people to make the changes that make a relationship more stable and less anxiety-provoking for both partners.  But a good starting point is moving oneself away from letting a future that may or may not happen add to our trauma.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING to you and your family. May all the good things of life be yours, not only at Thanksgiving but throughout the coming year.

➤  Can you relate to this Thanksgiving sentiment? My Community is a safe place where people living with ADHD share questions, confusion, pain, ideas and experiences with others who face the same sorts of issues as you do. Join us. You are not alone!Happy Thanksgiving Excitement is building as we approach the highly anticipated #adhd2023

➤  International Conference on ADHD - Benefit from well-known speakers and authors and also from conversations with fellow attendees. My virtual presentation: Communication Techniques that Work for ADHD-Impacted Couples - Wednesday, December 6, 2023, 12:00 PM - 1:00 PM. Register here.

In-Person Conference: Thursday, November 30–Saturday, December 2

Online Conference: Tuesday, December 5–Wednesday, December 6

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live Seminar starts February 13, 2024.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

Hurt can be a motivator of change.  Call it ‘hitting rock bottom,’ ‘hitting the wall,’ or simply having had enough, there comes a time when you may think “I can’t do this anymore!”

What ‘this’ is varies from situation to situation.  Maybe it’s too many responsibilities.  Maybe it’s repetitive and angry conversations.  Maybe it’s sexual intimacy with a partner who does not make you feel safe.  Maybe it’s staying in your relationship at all.

While it feels hard, and the hurt is great, hitting the wall can actually be a new beginning for you and, possibly, for your relationship.  An excellent example is the discovery of an affair that leads some couples to finally double down and seriously engage with fixing their issues.  The basic question, as I see it, is when you hit the wall, will you choose leaving/escape or try to rebuild something new?

The first step to figuring out which it will be is, I believe, a conversation with yourself.  How important is this thing that you’ve had enough of?  Is it a relationship deal breaker for you, or something else?  If it’s a relationship deal breaker – something you MUST have in order to stay with your partner, then it’s time for a completely honest conversation with him/her/them.  “I can no longer do X.  Here is what hurts.  We will either need to change X radically or I will need to leave the relationship.”

If you decide that your hurt is not a deal breaker, but still really important, then work on what you yourself can change and what you need your partner’s engagement for.  Once you have your own plan in place it is easier to go to a partner and also ask for radical change.

All said, pain is pain, and feeling the deep hurts that Gorman writes about is never fun.  But it doesn’t always need to indicate the end of a relationship.  Sometimes coming to terms with that pain can motivate substantial change.

STARTING TOMORROW:

➤  ADHD Couples Palooza Nov 10-12. FREE resource by top experts. My interview "Will this relationship ever get better?" airs Friday, November 10, 2023. Register for free There is plenty to glean from this deep dive into partnering with neurodivergent people.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

The ADHD brain is amazingly fast.  And those who own one often have a ton of stuff pinballing around inside that brain.  Housing many facts, without much of a sorting and organizing system, and a penchant for noticing anything interesting in the area, the ADHD brain is a lot to handle!

This client was speaking admiringly about his partner.  What he meant was ‘there is so much going on in there that sorting through it takes time.’  The ADHD partner in this relationship has learned to take his time before speaking, and to allow some of those pinballing ideas to coalesce.  Which can come off, sometimes, as being slow.

It’s a different way of being in the world.  And to acknowledge its legitimacy – to name it productively – and to express admiration for your differences is a strong beginning to a healthy relationship.

Give me a person with too many good ideas any day!

RECOMMENDATIONS:

➤ ADHD Couples Palooza Nov. 10-12, 2023! Changing the world for ADHD Couples. My interview Friday, November 10, 2023: "Will this relationship ever get better?" Be sure to register.

➤ Executive Function Strategies to Externalize Time, Memory, Motivation - Nov. 9. ADDitude webinar with ADHD expert, Dr. Ari Tuckman.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

There is what is inside you…and what is outside you.  What of the outside will you take on?  How much darkness?  And how do you stoke the fires of your own light?

There is a willpower and determination to Sojourner Truth’s statement that I find inspiring and admire greatly.

In our world today, and perhaps in your relationship, there is plenty of darkness.  We can surrender to the darkness surrounding us (rage, controlling behaviors, depression, pain, anxiety) or we can stand tall, set our boundaries and build our own life’s light from within.

Your strength does not come from others, nor from other’s opinions of you.  Your strength is your ‘life’s light’ and it is only found inside you.

Are you pushing back against the darkness around you?

RECOMMENDATIONS:

➤ October is ADHD Awareness Month. Learn more. Here are my contributions on this site.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

I was struck by how true this statement is, particularly for people used to criticism in their lives.  For ADHD partners, that Constant Critique (as Ned Hallowell calls it) comes early on.  One research study suggests that children with ADHD are the recipients of 20,000 more critiques by the age of 12 than their neuro-typical counterparts.  The hurt represented in that number is astounding.

Non-ADHD partners, and particularly women, have other issues that may have made their past impact their present moment, including our societally common concerns about female body image and, for some, asking for what one wants.  Even strong women may give too much of themselves to others because they believe it is expected of them.

Where to go with all this pain?  Creating a safe space for ourselves means learning self-compassion.  Slowing down and giving oneself an internal hug.  Allowing that our emotions may be messy, but that’s okay.  Having the courage to confront the issues we bring forward with us from the past.  It is important to learn to love ourselves, and make ourselves safe, one step at a time.

Are there parts of your past that deserve reflection and self-compassion?

RECOMMENDATIONS:

➤ I recommend this ADDitude webinar featuring a respected ADHD expert, Dr. Ari Tuckman: Nov. 9th - Executive Function Strategies to Externalize Time, Memory, Motivation

➤ October is ADHD Awareness Month. Learn more.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

One of the great benefits to learning about ADHD in relationships is coming to understand that ‘parenting’ or trying to control a partner who has ADHD simply Does. Not. Work.  It leads to resentment in both partners, animosity, escaping, anger, and more.

The only way to move out of this pattern is for both partners to acknowledge the harm caused by ‘over-functioning’ (non-ADHD partners) and ‘under-functioning’ (ADHD partners.). BOTH need to address the problem, rather than blame each other.

For the ADHD partner that means stepping up – engaging fully, and optimizing ADHD management (download my free treatment ebook from my home page).  It’s a challenge, but definitely doable.

For the non-ADHD or more organized ADHD partner, it means stepping back and understanding it’s time to detach.  That’s hard, too.  But also doable.

Does the idea of letting go of control scare you?  Do it in stages, alongside the ADHD partner’s skill building.  You will NEVER be able to control another person’s ADHD…once you stop trying to do so you provide space to allow that partner to grow, find more satisfaction in their contribution, and feel more loved.

Seek support to let go of feelings of anxiety – my Couples Seminar,  non-ADHD partner support groups and/or counseling may help.  Learning more about boundaries certainly will.

What might both of you do next to lessening control/management dynamics in your relationship? If you need additional care and support to help make your relationship work, consider My ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar: LIVE Fall 2023 STARTS THIS WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 4TH. 

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live seminar starts October 4th.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.