Weekly Marriage Tips

There are things you might wish your partner would do – such as come to bed with you – that they may not choose to do.  That’s their right as a separate individual from you.  But there are some things that they may be choosing to do that are genuinely hurtful to you or the relationship (vs. annoying).  You know what those things are for you, but some things in that might fit that category:

• Be volatile and rage at intervals
• Regularly get drunk and become mean
• Stay out overnight without warning
• Have a habit of lying

You can’t control whether your partner continues to do these things, because you aren’t in charge of their actions.  But you do want to make sure that they fully understand the depth of your feelings about their choice, and the potential consequences if they don’t take your feelings into account.  If this is a dealbreaker for you, they need to know it.

So…having a way to say ‘this is special…I need your full attention to this particular matter’ is important.

One woman did this by placing her hand upon her husband’s heart to signal “this is coming from my heart.”  Another prefaced her words with “What I’m about to say is important at a deep, emotional level for me.  I need your full attention to describe my feelings and issues.  Please try to stay open as I do.”

What is your way of highlighting a truly important request?

➤ Read more on this topic: My ADHD Partner Barely Notices Me at Bedtime - 8 Ways to Get the Attention You Want 

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live seminar will be in Fall 2023. Dates will be posted in late August, '23.

Need support now? ➤ REGISTER for the Self-Study Seminar - Available to start now / 1 year access / Move at your own pace / Includes materials & recordings from the Spring '23 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

If you wish to be notified about future live seminars or Non-ADHD support groups, please add your name to the notification list.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

Dr. Ned Hallowell likes to note that while parents and adults give a good deal of thought to the possible side effects of medication to help manage ADHD, they often don’t consider the side effects of not managing ADHD.  And they should.  Because the effects of living with unmanaged or undermanaged ADHD are very well researched and documented and can be summed up as ‘difficulties in all areas of one’s life’ by adulthood.

Barkley points out another side effect – the accumulating effect with living with ADHD that lead to high levels of anxiety, depression, addiction and other potentially life-threatening issues.

Getting a diagnosis of ADHD is good news – it puts you on a path known to help better manage ADHD in all of the ways that it impacts you.  And, if you have children with ADHD, give them every opportunity to learn the skills they need so that ADHD doesn’t end up running the show.  What research suggests so far is that low doses of medication (when appropriate), combined with solid behavioral therapy to learn strategies that help, and parental coaching (to learn how to parent kids with ADHD emotional issues and reward-focused brains) is the best combination.

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤ Read more on this topic: Does it seem your ADHD partner isn't working hard enough on managing the symptoms? 

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live seminar will be in Fall 2023. Dates will be posted in late August, '23.

Need support now? ➤ REGISTER for the Self-Study Seminar - Available to start now / 1 year access / Move at your own pace / Includes materials & recordings from the Spring '23 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

If you wish to be notified about future live seminars or Non-ADHD support groups, please add your name to the notification list.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

If you’re struggling in your relationship, there is probably something that you grieve about.  For many, it’s ending up in a relationship that does not resemble the one you had hoped to have.  For others, it’s grieving a lost connection or feeling lonelier than expected.  Or perhaps there is a trauma in your past…

I found this perspective on grief a useful one to reflect upon.  It’s quite possible that your relationship will not ever resemble what you had envisioned.  This is true of most romantic relationships, whether or not ADHD is on board.  Imagination is strong…the reality of daily life can be difficult.  So that grief may always be there in some form.

And yet, as you find a way to bring greater connection and joy into your life, you have an opportunity to create a relationship different from the original dream, but also good.  Your life, as it expands, demonstrates that your original vision is not the only option.

Acknowledging feelings of grief (often shared by both partners in a struggling relationship) is healthy.  Allow them to flow through you rather than resist them.  But don’t expect them to disappear.  Instead, allow your life to expand and move ahead and over time that grief will no longer hold so much power.

Do you acknowledge your grief?

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤ Read more on this topic: Top Tips for Dealing with Grief

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live seminar will be in Fall 2023. Dates will be posted in late August, '23.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

Integrity.  The word has two definitions:

1. The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles
2. The state of being whole and undivided

Yes.  Exactly!  Both.

When I work with couples, one of the things that I find most useful for them is the idea of aligning each partner’s behaviors with their values.  Conflict in relationships tends to create values conundrums that we try, often without much success, to navigate.  As two examples - how to be respectful or feel respected in a relationship with a partner who tries to control your actions?  Or, how to be respectful or feel respected when your partner uses either escape or rage as a regular strategy?

The answer comes in aligning one’s own actions with one’s values.  Becoming whole and undivided again.  Adhering to one’s own moral principles.  As an example, if you value respect, then you know that you must behave respectfully to your partner, regardless of input, and not tolerate disrespect, either.  Perhaps you need to politely walk away from an angry partner.  Or have a conversation about the importance of constructive input.  Perhaps you need to take some deep breaths to calm yourself before speaking.  Or write difficult information in an email as you know your partner will need time to process your words.

Integrity isn’t just about honesty.  It’s about consistency and moral agency.  While you can’t control your partner’s integrity, you can control your own.

Are there ways you could better align your own behavior with your values?

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤ Read more on this topic: A Simple Moral Code  

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live seminar will be in Fall 2023. Dates will be posted in late August, '23.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

A win-win for perpetuating emotional dysfunction.”  What a striking phrase! 

Finding out about ADHD is such a blessing – finally, a reason for the patterns between you and the issues associated with having undermanaged ADHD!  But it’s how you proceed from there that makes all the difference.  There is a transition period on the path to more successfully living with ADHD.  In that time both partners need to learn all they can and be compassionate about how ADHD symptoms – and responses to symptoms – without encouraging dysfunction.

While ADHD might have been a reason for issues in the past, it cannot be an excuse for issues to continue in the long-term.  Yes, it takes time to learn to manage ADHD.  But eventually symptomatic behaviors – and responses to those behaviors -  need to be managed well enough for both partners to feel satisfied in their choice of partner.

And so, there is this ‘dance.’  Each partner must assert what they need, while also being sensitive to the fact that the work on both sides takes time and effort.  We must make intentional choices to forgive, while taking care to not create excuses in order to avoid conflict.  And most of all, we MUST find a way to be heard.  Abandoning agency, out of fear of retaliation or a negative outcome, will never have a good outcome.

My takeaway is this – being sensitive to your partner’s issues is helpful (in fact, critical!) when navigating your relationship.  But make sure to regularly ask yourself “am I ‘selecting my battles’ or am I ‘making the choices simply to avoid conflict?’”  If you find the answer is the latter, then consider learning how to be constructively assertive so that you do not end up abandoning yourself.

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤ ADHD and Dating - I talk about dating apps, addiction tendencies, dopamine, cheating and when to tell your date about your ADHD in this Different Brains interview. 

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

One of the reasons gratitude practices encourage better health is that they provide context.  Bringing the positives of your life into focus can help you recognized that there is good in your life as well as the negatives you may more easily focus upon.

When I talk with couples about recognizing their emotions, I talk about holding positive emotions alongside negative ones.  Envision them as two side-by-side emotions circles.  You will always have two circles – your task is to make the negative one smaller, and the positive one larger.

One effective way to do this is to notice positives in real time.  I sent out a tip recently about ‘joy snacking’ which is one way.  Another is having a gratitude practice.  A third is creating a ritual of affirmation with your partner.  There are more. 

Can you use your imagination to think of a way to bring positives forward in your lives together?

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤ Celebrating Mental Health Awareness Month, observed in May in the United States since 1949.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

There is no one gene that accounts for ADHD…there are many.  But it is largely hereditary and so it makes sense that some people wonder if their genes seal their fate.

Having a set of genes is different from the expression of those genes.  And the expression of genes can be impacted by environmental changes.  This is what the non-medicinal parts of ADHD management are often about, in fact.  An adult with ADHD does not have to be a victim of their ADHD.  Improving sleep hygiene, increasing exercise, and managing stress all impact the severity of, and expression of, ADHD symptoms.  Medications do, too.  In fact, research done by Russell Barkley and others suggests that the majority of adults with ADHD can find a medication that significantly improves their management of ADHD.  Meaning, of course, that genes do not dictate what your life is about.

One refrain that I hear from ADHD-impacted couples is “is this just the way it is?  Does the non-ADHD partner just have to adapt to ADHD?”  From the ADHD partner’s perspective, the question is asked as “Can’t you just love me as I am?”  My answer to both is ‘It’s important that both partners contribute their ‘best selves’ to their relationships.”  That means that ADHD partners do need to manage ADHD symptoms that get in their way…and non-ADHD partners need to address their frustration, anger, co-dependency and more.

Genes do not seal your fate.  There is much that couples can do to improve their partnership.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

Staying in the present moment and making the most of every day is so important to emotional well-being, and this woman put such an interesting spin on this idea!  We all have ‘spaces’ inside us, and many people make the mistake of going outside of themselves to get those spaces filled in order to feel more complete.

And yet, we are only in control of ourselves and only responsible for ourselves.  Our spaces are ours to fill.  No one else can do that for us, no matter how we love them, or they love us.

The first part of this process is realizing we are responsible for ‘experiencing our lives fully.’  That means self-care and compassion and understanding we are responsible for ourselves.  The science on happiness also suggests living fully includes having a sense of purpose.

Are you expecting a partner to fill in your spaces?

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤ My next live seminar will be in Fall 2023. If you can't wait, register for my  Self-Study Seminar - Available to start now / 1 year access / Move at your own pace / Includes materials & recordings from the live seminar. 

*If you wish to be notified of future live seminars, please add your name to our seminar notification list. 

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

Some people are natural givers and caretakers.  We are so lucky to have them in our lives.  And yet, it is too easy to ‘over-give’ to one’s own detriment.

What does over-giving look like?  A few examples:

• Working so hard you rarely sleep
• Always putting other people’s needs ahead of your own
• Taking it upon yourself to educate other adults about how they might do better

How does over-giving show up in your own life?  Perhaps you…

• Feel under-appreciated or resentful you must take on so much
• Are sleep deprived on behalf of others
• Regularly rescue others from their messes or problems
• Feel depleted or depressed
• Feel responsible for other adults’ outcomes

Giving is wonderful.  But too much giving takes a real toll – on your health (you need that sleep and less stress!); on your family (you aren’t available to them when you are depleted); on your relationships (repeatedly rescuing a partner often feels like a put down to that partner) and more.

I urge you to take some time to think about what you need to feel more emotionally and physically whole, and then start pursuing some of that.  Others can, and should, get along without quite so much help from you.  Try it!  Even in small shift in ‘over-giving’ can make a big difference.

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (two session have openings) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (Apr - Jun 2023 full) - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

Relationship expert, John Gottman, has done a lot of research into what comprises the elements of trust.  His research suggests a simple equation – ‘transparency’ plus what he calls ‘positive moral certainty’.  Transparency is about being honest (transparent) as well as following through on what you promise.  Positive moral certainty is knowing that your partner is ethical and will treat you with respect and kindness.

In my couples’ seminar I talk about rebuilding trust in your relationship, as well as the way that this trust equation must be modified to accommodate ADHD.  Because it is impossible that a person with ADHD who sometimes doesn’t follow through on promises due to the presence of ADHD symptoms is inherently and always untrustworthy!  Yet, the inconsistency that ADHD symptoms adds must be accommodated in some way that is reassuring to both parties for trust to remain intact (or be rebuilt).

The ‘secret sauce’ is to add the ideas of owning ADHD symptoms and symptomatic behaviors, and being transparent about issues as they come up.  That might mean putting a backup system in place to call a partner if you’re running late to pick up the kids.  Or owning that you didn’t complete an important project and taking responsibility for creating (and executing) a plan to get it done now.  And…if you don’t have the skills in place to fully execute, taking responsibility to figure out how to learn those skills…or admitting that the project must done a different way – perhaps hiring it out, or exchanging tasks with a partner.

Doing the ‘right thing,’ as my Aunt would say, means taking responsibility…even if one is not always consistent…and making sure you are always honest as you do so.

Does trust need to be repaired in your relationship?  Consider taking my spring Couples Seminar that starts March 13.  I won't give it again until the Fall.

➤ REGISTER NOW for the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 9 session Seminar, 7:30pm EASTERN time.

March 13: Session 1: Optimizing ADHD treatment; Understanding the differences between you
March 21: Session 2: Interpreting ADHD symptoms; Symptom/response/response cycles & how to interrupt them; Defensiveness & anger intro 
March 28: *Break (No live lesson) – Please put in your calendars for catch up work
April 4: Session 3: Getting out of parent/child dynamics; The healing process; Setting boundaries
April 11: Session 4: NEW SESSION IN 2023!  Dealing with strong emotions in ADHD-impacted relationships
April 18: Session 5: Communication strategies that work
April 25: Session 6: Getting away from fights and chore wars; Bonus video: Getting organized with ADHD–the emotional issues plus what works 
May 2: Session 7: Difficult to understand behaviors:  The skinny on lying, affairs, pornography, and more
May 8: Session 8: Rebuilding trust; the science of finding joy in your ADHD-impacted relationship
May 16: Session 9: Conflict intimacy; sex and desire; setting personal boundaries; next steps

- For a more detailed curriculum, go to this page.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS March 13, 2023.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (few openings) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (Spring 2023 Group - April 19, 2023 - June 7, 2023 - Registration open now!) - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.