Weekly Marriage Tips

There is a reason that John Gottman’s research suggests that contempt is one of the top indicators of impending divorce.  Who would want to be married to someone who feels “you’re beneath my notice” or, for that matter, to someone they value so little?

If you feel that your partner is contemptuous, it’s urgent that you get help right away.  For your own health, insist on either personal or couples professional assistance.  They can help you explore questions such as:

• What are the roots of the issue? 
• Can they be addressed? 
• Are the family of origin issues at play? 
• Am I being abused? (highly likely if contempt is present)
• How do I/we move forward to a healthier life?

No one deserves the contempt of a partner.  Contempt is completely toxic.  If you’re in this situation, PLEASE don’t wait to address it.

Related Reading:

➤ Help! My ADHD Spouse Finds Relationship Drama Stimulating

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live seminar will be in Fall 2023. Dates will be posted in late August, '23.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

I like Brown’s approach to boundaries…say yes first, then say no.  Tell your partner – or your in-laws - you see them and their strengths (“you’re invested in my kids”) but express your values and your choices (“I’m/we’re the parent(s) of my children and wish to be in charge of how they are raised”)

She’s been very precise in what she has asked for; and it is less a critique of the other party than a reflection of her choices.  (For example, a more critical way to say this would be “I hate how you are constantly telling us how to raise our kids.”

Are there boundary issues in your household that would benefit from this yes/no approach?  How might you phrase your yes to really see the other person and your no to be reflective of your own values rather than a personal critique?

More on this topic: 

➤ Respect and Personal Boundaries in ADHD Relationships

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live seminar will be in Fall 2023. Dates will be posted in late August, '23.

Need support now? The Self-Study Seminar is available to start now / 1 year access / Move at your own pace / Includes materials & recordings from the Spring '23 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

What's next? You've read The ADHD Effect on Marriage. You've completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. Foundations in Habit Development Group is designed for ADHD partners to help solidify the changes you have started to make and want to firm up. September 20 - November 8, 2023.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

Was this email sent to you? Sign up for these weekly marriage tips and other announcements related to ADHD & Marriage

Symptoms lead to symptomatic behaviors, so measuring the impact of a treatment against symptoms is a good place to start.  That said, where the rubber hits the road for every adult is in functioning.  You can improve focus with a stimulant, for example, but if you don’t apply that focus to helping you perform better in ways that matter to you, does it matter?

In relationships, better functioning is usually about becoming calmer, more reliable, and able to engage with others in a healthier way.  

I believe that adults with ADHD need to use efficacy research as a jumping off point, but define and measure their goals against specific target symptoms and improvements.  That means using improved focus to be able to coordinate tasks if that’s a huge issue.  Or using the power of anti-hypertensives to calm reactivity and then augmenting that progress with ADHD-informed couples therapy to work through the accumulated bad habits you’ve both created (now that you can stay calm while doing this work).  Symptoms are a start…but behavior and interactive improvements are the gold standard.  Set those together (for couples work) and measure THAT.

Deeper Dive:

➤ More on this topic: ADHD Overview, Diagnosis, Treatment

➤ What's next? You've read The ADHD Effect on Marriage. You've completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. Foundations in Habit Development Group is designed for ADHD partners to help solidify the changes you have started to make and want to firm up. September 20 - November 8, 2023.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live seminar will be in Fall 2023. Dates will be posted in late August, '23.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

There are things you might wish your partner would do – such as come to bed with you – that they may not choose to do.  That’s their right as a separate individual from you.  But there are some things that they may be choosing to do that are genuinely hurtful to you or the relationship (vs. annoying).  You know what those things are for you, but some things in that might fit that category:

• Be volatile and rage at intervals
• Regularly get drunk and become mean
• Stay out overnight without warning
• Have a habit of lying

You can’t control whether your partner continues to do these things, because you aren’t in charge of their actions.  But you do want to make sure that they fully understand the depth of your feelings about their choice, and the potential consequences if they don’t take your feelings into account.  If this is a dealbreaker for you, they need to know it.

So…having a way to say ‘this is special…I need your full attention to this particular matter’ is important.

One woman did this by placing her hand upon her husband’s heart to signal “this is coming from my heart.”  Another prefaced her words with “What I’m about to say is important at a deep, emotional level for me.  I need your full attention to describe my feelings and issues.  Please try to stay open as I do.”

What is your way of highlighting a truly important request?

➤ Read more on this topic: My ADHD Partner Barely Notices Me at Bedtime - 8 Ways to Get the Attention You Want 

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live seminar will be in Fall 2023. Dates will be posted in late August, '23.

Need support now? ➤ REGISTER for the Self-Study Seminar - Available to start now / 1 year access / Move at your own pace / Includes materials & recordings from the Spring '23 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

If you wish to be notified about future live seminars or Non-ADHD support groups, please add your name to the notification list.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

Dr. Ned Hallowell likes to note that while parents and adults give a good deal of thought to the possible side effects of medication to help manage ADHD, they often don’t consider the side effects of not managing ADHD.  And they should.  Because the effects of living with unmanaged or undermanaged ADHD are very well researched and documented and can be summed up as ‘difficulties in all areas of one’s life’ by adulthood.

Barkley points out another side effect – the accumulating effect with living with ADHD that lead to high levels of anxiety, depression, addiction and other potentially life-threatening issues.

Getting a diagnosis of ADHD is good news – it puts you on a path known to help better manage ADHD in all of the ways that it impacts you.  And, if you have children with ADHD, give them every opportunity to learn the skills they need so that ADHD doesn’t end up running the show.  What research suggests so far is that low doses of medication (when appropriate), combined with solid behavioral therapy to learn strategies that help, and parental coaching (to learn how to parent kids with ADHD emotional issues and reward-focused brains) is the best combination.

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤ Read more on this topic: Does it seem your ADHD partner isn't working hard enough on managing the symptoms? 

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live seminar will be in Fall 2023. Dates will be posted in late August, '23.

Need support now? ➤ REGISTER for the Self-Study Seminar - Available to start now / 1 year access / Move at your own pace / Includes materials & recordings from the Spring '23 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

If you wish to be notified about future live seminars or Non-ADHD support groups, please add your name to the notification list.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

If you’re struggling in your relationship, there is probably something that you grieve about.  For many, it’s ending up in a relationship that does not resemble the one you had hoped to have.  For others, it’s grieving a lost connection or feeling lonelier than expected.  Or perhaps there is a trauma in your past…

I found this perspective on grief a useful one to reflect upon.  It’s quite possible that your relationship will not ever resemble what you had envisioned.  This is true of most romantic relationships, whether or not ADHD is on board.  Imagination is strong…the reality of daily life can be difficult.  So that grief may always be there in some form.

And yet, as you find a way to bring greater connection and joy into your life, you have an opportunity to create a relationship different from the original dream, but also good.  Your life, as it expands, demonstrates that your original vision is not the only option.

Acknowledging feelings of grief (often shared by both partners in a struggling relationship) is healthy.  Allow them to flow through you rather than resist them.  But don’t expect them to disappear.  Instead, allow your life to expand and move ahead and over time that grief will no longer hold so much power.

Do you acknowledge your grief?

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤ Read more on this topic: Top Tips for Dealing with Grief

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live seminar will be in Fall 2023. Dates will be posted in late August, '23.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

Integrity.  The word has two definitions:

1. The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles
2. The state of being whole and undivided

Yes.  Exactly!  Both.

When I work with couples, one of the things that I find most useful for them is the idea of aligning each partner’s behaviors with their values.  Conflict in relationships tends to create values conundrums that we try, often without much success, to navigate.  As two examples - how to be respectful or feel respected in a relationship with a partner who tries to control your actions?  Or, how to be respectful or feel respected when your partner uses either escape or rage as a regular strategy?

The answer comes in aligning one’s own actions with one’s values.  Becoming whole and undivided again.  Adhering to one’s own moral principles.  As an example, if you value respect, then you know that you must behave respectfully to your partner, regardless of input, and not tolerate disrespect, either.  Perhaps you need to politely walk away from an angry partner.  Or have a conversation about the importance of constructive input.  Perhaps you need to take some deep breaths to calm yourself before speaking.  Or write difficult information in an email as you know your partner will need time to process your words.

Integrity isn’t just about honesty.  It’s about consistency and moral agency.  While you can’t control your partner’s integrity, you can control your own.

Are there ways you could better align your own behavior with your values?

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤ Read more on this topic: A Simple Moral Code  

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live seminar will be in Fall 2023. Dates will be posted in late August, '23.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

A win-win for perpetuating emotional dysfunction.”  What a striking phrase! 

Finding out about ADHD is such a blessing – finally, a reason for the patterns between you and the issues associated with having undermanaged ADHD!  But it’s how you proceed from there that makes all the difference.  There is a transition period on the path to more successfully living with ADHD.  In that time both partners need to learn all they can and be compassionate about how ADHD symptoms – and responses to symptoms – without encouraging dysfunction.

While ADHD might have been a reason for issues in the past, it cannot be an excuse for issues to continue in the long-term.  Yes, it takes time to learn to manage ADHD.  But eventually symptomatic behaviors – and responses to those behaviors -  need to be managed well enough for both partners to feel satisfied in their choice of partner.

And so, there is this ‘dance.’  Each partner must assert what they need, while also being sensitive to the fact that the work on both sides takes time and effort.  We must make intentional choices to forgive, while taking care to not create excuses in order to avoid conflict.  And most of all, we MUST find a way to be heard.  Abandoning agency, out of fear of retaliation or a negative outcome, will never have a good outcome.

My takeaway is this – being sensitive to your partner’s issues is helpful (in fact, critical!) when navigating your relationship.  But make sure to regularly ask yourself “am I ‘selecting my battles’ or am I ‘making the choices simply to avoid conflict?’”  If you find the answer is the latter, then consider learning how to be constructively assertive so that you do not end up abandoning yourself.

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤ ADHD and Dating - I talk about dating apps, addiction tendencies, dopamine, cheating and when to tell your date about your ADHD in this Different Brains interview. 

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

One of the reasons gratitude practices encourage better health is that they provide context.  Bringing the positives of your life into focus can help you recognized that there is good in your life as well as the negatives you may more easily focus upon.

When I talk with couples about recognizing their emotions, I talk about holding positive emotions alongside negative ones.  Envision them as two side-by-side emotions circles.  You will always have two circles – your task is to make the negative one smaller, and the positive one larger.

One effective way to do this is to notice positives in real time.  I sent out a tip recently about ‘joy snacking’ which is one way.  Another is having a gratitude practice.  A third is creating a ritual of affirmation with your partner.  There are more. 

Can you use your imagination to think of a way to bring positives forward in your lives together?

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤ Celebrating Mental Health Awareness Month, observed in May in the United States since 1949.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

There is no one gene that accounts for ADHD…there are many.  But it is largely hereditary and so it makes sense that some people wonder if their genes seal their fate.

Having a set of genes is different from the expression of those genes.  And the expression of genes can be impacted by environmental changes.  This is what the non-medicinal parts of ADHD management are often about, in fact.  An adult with ADHD does not have to be a victim of their ADHD.  Improving sleep hygiene, increasing exercise, and managing stress all impact the severity of, and expression of, ADHD symptoms.  Medications do, too.  In fact, research done by Russell Barkley and others suggests that the majority of adults with ADHD can find a medication that significantly improves their management of ADHD.  Meaning, of course, that genes do not dictate what your life is about.

One refrain that I hear from ADHD-impacted couples is “is this just the way it is?  Does the non-ADHD partner just have to adapt to ADHD?”  From the ADHD partner’s perspective, the question is asked as “Can’t you just love me as I am?”  My answer to both is ‘It’s important that both partners contribute their ‘best selves’ to their relationships.”  That means that ADHD partners do need to manage ADHD symptoms that get in their way…and non-ADHD partners need to address their frustration, anger, co-dependency and more.

Genes do not seal your fate.  There is much that couples can do to improve their partnership.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.