Weekly Marriage Tips

I was struck by how true this statement is, particularly for people used to criticism in their lives.  For ADHD partners, that Constant Critique (as Ned Hallowell calls it) comes early on.  One research study suggests that children with ADHD are the recipients of 20,000 more critiques by the age of 12 than their neuro-typical counterparts.  The hurt represented in that number is astounding.

Non-ADHD partners, and particularly women, have other issues that may have made their past impact their present moment, including our societally common concerns about female body image and, for some, asking for what one wants.  Even strong women may give too much of themselves to others because they believe it is expected of them.

Where to go with all this pain?  Creating a safe space for ourselves means learning self-compassion.  Slowing down and giving oneself an internal hug.  Allowing that our emotions may be messy, but that’s okay.  Having the courage to confront the issues we bring forward with us from the past.  It is important to learn to love ourselves, and make ourselves safe, one step at a time.

Are there parts of your past that deserve reflection and self-compassion?

RECOMMENDATIONS:

➤ I recommend this ADDitude webinar featuring a respected ADHD expert, Dr. Ari Tuckman: Nov. 9th - Executive Function Strategies to Externalize Time, Memory, Motivation

➤ October is ADHD Awareness Month. Learn more.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

One of the great benefits to learning about ADHD in relationships is coming to understand that ‘parenting’ or trying to control a partner who has ADHD simply Does. Not. Work.  It leads to resentment in both partners, animosity, escaping, anger, and more.

The only way to move out of this pattern is for both partners to acknowledge the harm caused by ‘over-functioning’ (non-ADHD partners) and ‘under-functioning’ (ADHD partners.). BOTH need to address the problem, rather than blame each other.

For the ADHD partner that means stepping up – engaging fully, and optimizing ADHD management (download my free treatment ebook from my home page).  It’s a challenge, but definitely doable.

For the non-ADHD or more organized ADHD partner, it means stepping back and understanding it’s time to detach.  That’s hard, too.  But also doable.

Does the idea of letting go of control scare you?  Do it in stages, alongside the ADHD partner’s skill building.  You will NEVER be able to control another person’s ADHD…once you stop trying to do so you provide space to allow that partner to grow, find more satisfaction in their contribution, and feel more loved.

Seek support to let go of feelings of anxiety – my Couples Seminar,  non-ADHD partner support groups and/or counseling may help.  Learning more about boundaries certainly will.

What might both of you do next to lessening control/management dynamics in your relationship? If you need additional care and support to help make your relationship work, consider My ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar: LIVE Fall 2023 STARTS THIS WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 4TH. 

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live seminar starts October 4th.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

I hope you are failing…at least once in a while!  Because if you are, that means that you are pushing yourself to try new things – taking risks as you figure out what works and, sometimes, what doesn’t.

You cannot do this from the sidelines.  Nor can you do this by ‘thinking’ about what you want.  Intention is not the same thing as action.

As you think about managing your ADHD, or about moving away from parenting dynamics, or whatever task you have set yourself to, think ACTION.  Set one action goal a day.  Start small.  ‘I will set a medical appointment today.’  Or, ‘I will get a notebook to put beside my bed so I can start my gratitude practice tonight.’

One thing every day turns into a lot of accomplishments in very short order!

Strive to do.  Dare to come short…and learn from it…as you seek to improve your life!

STARTING IN ONE WEEK:

➤  My ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar: LIVE Fall 2023 starts Oct 4. Do you know how ADHD impacts relationships?  If not, learning more can provide the hope you need to change your life.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live seminar starts October 4th.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

Our lives are healthiest when we have a network of connections, and friends are a hugely important part of that network (along with family, connections to organizations with purpose and more).  When coupled, we sometimes don’t make enough time for our individual friends.

That’s a loss for you and for your friends.  So, I urge you to take a few minutes right now and think about your closest friends.  Have you reached out to them lately?  If not, I urge you to take the next 15 minutes or more to reach out with a touch – large or small.  Or, if you can’t, put a reminder in your calendar to do so at a later time.

➤ Starting October 4th - Need additional care and support to make your relationship work? Consider My ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar: LIVE Fall 2023. 

➤ Read one participant's review of my couple's seminar.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live seminar starts October 4th.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

Partners struggling in ADHD-impacted relationships may feel hopeless.  As a result, they have stopped trying and (often) slid into depression.  From a practical standpoint, this has the effect of reinforcing their hopelessness – no work generally means no improvement.

One of the great benefits about finally finding out that ADHD is impacting your lives together is that it provides a reason for the issues you’ve faced, as well as a path out of the struggle.  Importantly, the context that knowing about ADHD provides allows hope to reemerge.

Dr. Gupta notes ‘hope can heal.’  For me, it is that hope – and a knowable path - provide the energy and motivation for BOTH partners to begin the work they each need to do to change the patterns that have become so ingrained.  

Do you know how ADHD impacts relationships?  If not, learning more can provide the hope you need to change your life. Please consider:

➤ My ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar: LIVE Fall 2023 starts Oct 4. 

➤ The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps and The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD books.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live seminar starts October 4th.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

Our lives are healthiest when we have a network of connections, and friends are a hugely important part of that network (along with family, connections to organizations with purpose and more).  When coupled, we sometimes don’t make enough time for our individual friends.

That’s a loss for you and for your friends.  So, I urge you to take a few minutes right now and think about your closest friends.  Have you reached out to them lately?  If not, I urge you to take the next 15 minutes or more to reach out with a touch – large or small.  Or, if you can’t, put a reminder in your calendar to do so at a later time.

NEWS:

➤ Sometimes couples need additional care and support to help make their relationship work. My ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar: LIVE Fall 2023 starts Oct 4. 

➤ Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups registration is open. Note: Only ONE group is open.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live seminar starts October 4th.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

One of the benefits of age is wisdom – and I must say that it took me a very long time to learn this particular lesson.

How many women do I know who have trouble simply saying ‘no’ with no obligatory explanation, or without feeling guilt of some sort?  For many, the idea that ‘no is a complete sentence’ is hard to learn.  It was for me, though I have now figured this out and my life is better for it.

You have a right to say ‘no’ to anything you wish.  Period.  That said, if you do this all the time, it’s likely you are in a dictatorial position…and that may or may not be your desire.

Too many people are afraid to say no.  Be kind and respectful – your partner deserves that simply because they are your partner.  But do stand up for what you want in your life.  The buck stops with you.

NEWS:

➤ Melissa teaches about how to align your actions with your values in her ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar: LIVE Fall 2023. Next session starts Oct 4. 

➤ Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups registration is open. Note: five of the eight groups are now full.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration for the Fall 2023 live seminar is now open.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration is now open) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

I read this quote and thought to myself “with age comes wisdom.”

One of the benefits of struggling in your relationship and then successfully addressing your issues is that you have a more complete understanding of love and struggle. You can be fully grateful that you worked together to strengthen your relationship.  In the process you got to learn in much more depth and breadth about your own strengths and weaknesses, as well as those of your partner.  You have learned how to live together and accept each other.

Likewise, if you have lost a relationship due to death or divorce, you have a sense of both love and loss that can be the basis for a healthy appreciation for whatever you choose for your future – being single, finding a new partner, or something in between.

And, as you approach healing from that loss, I encourage you to seek the support you need through the grief and other emotions that follow.  That might mean professional support, the ear of a good friend or other family members.  In that loss, or in the love of a ‘refound’ relationship, you have the ability to be the fully formed person you were meant to be.

NEWS:

➤ Registration for the Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups open August 17, and will begin in September and October, 2023.  Note: these sell out quickly. 

➤ The ADHD Effect Fall Couples' Seminar is also open for registration.  October 4 - November 20, 2023 / 9 Sessions / Wednesdays (& 2 Mondays) at 7:30 pm EASTERN time. 

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration is now open.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration open) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

You, and only you, are in charge of the choices you make in your life.  We can’t control random events around us, but we can control our own responses.

I am a cancer survivor, and like practically every cancer survivor I know, I found that having cancer has a way of illustrating what’s NOT important in your life.  There is a reason that, to this day, I have a sticker on my coffee maker which says ‘Live Joyfully.’  It’s a reminder to think and live that way every single day.

We have one life, and it might be altered forever, later today.  Put another way (and not to be morbid) if you died tomorrow, would you be happy about the choices you’ve made?

Seriously.  Ask yourself that question.  If the answer is no, it’s time to ask ‘why not?’ and start addressing what you find.

Are you honoring your wild and precious life?

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤ Are you a member of the adhdmarriage.com forum? You need to create an account first. While there, be sure to search for topics that you are struggling with, and consider leaving a comment too. It is a huge community of people supporting each other... join them! I hop on occasionally to offer advice too.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live seminar will be in Fall 2023. Dates will be posted in late August, '23.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

There is a reason that John Gottman’s research suggests that contempt is one of the top indicators of impending divorce.  Who would want to be married to someone who feels “you’re beneath my notice” or, for that matter, to someone they value so little?

If you feel that your partner is contemptuous, it’s urgent that you get help right away.  For your own health, insist on either personal or couples professional assistance.  They can help you explore questions such as:

• What are the roots of the issue? 
• Can they be addressed? 
• Are the family of origin issues at play? 
• Am I being abused? (highly likely if contempt is present)
• How do I/we move forward to a healthier life?

No one deserves the contempt of a partner.  Contempt is completely toxic.  If you’re in this situation, PLEASE don’t wait to address it.

Related Reading:

➤ Help! My ADHD Spouse Finds Relationship Drama Stimulating

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live seminar will be in Fall 2023. Dates will be posted in late August, '23.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.