The Delicate Balance
ADHD & Marriage News - February 19, 2025
Quote of the Week
"Disappoint early”
"You can’t punish honesty and expect the truth."
- Ari Tuckman, PhD.
The Delicate Balance
It gives me great pleasure when I can help a couple learn to communicate better around tasks and responsibilities. By the time they seek help, most couples impacted by ADHD are in parent-child dynamics…and one of the byproducts is that the ‘parent’ figure pushes, organizes, and creates consequences while the child partner hides their true feelings, avoids conflict, and often over-promises in order to please.
Tuckman’s simple advice points to a different way. If you have ADHD, learn how to constructively speak up for yourself. “I don’t have time for to do X” is likely to be healthier for your relationship because it is transparent and honest, than agreeing to do something you fear you can’t do. Transparency, while often hard because it can trigger feelings of shame, is always the best path as it supports a foundation of trust.
Simultaneously, non-ADHD partners have an important role to play in how they respond. While you may feel disappointed that your partner says no, or feel as if you don’t know how you will get yet another thing done, encouraging honesty in the relationship creates a much stronger relationship than getting angry at the honest response. When a partner says no, a constructive response could be an open and inviting, ‘Okay. Let’s talk about other options for getting that done.’
Do you and your partner have room to improve this particular interactive pattern in your relationship?
Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD
UPCOMING EVENTS:
ADHD Effect LIVE In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next 9-session ZOOM seminar starts March 18. Registration OPEN).
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program: ADHD Management Tools, Expert Support and Community for ADHD Impacted Relationships - (JUST LAUNCHED) Learn to create lasting change as you turn your intentions and knowledge into concrete action. You’ll get specific ADHD management tools, real-time expert support for your relationship, and a connected, like-minded online community.
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next 9-session ZOOM seminar starts March 18. Registration OPEN). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!
Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (registration open, ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar
Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.
FREE RESOURCES:
- Live (by Zoom) Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program information session. February 11, 2025, 7:30 PM - 8:30 PM (America/New York)
- Weekly email Marriage Tips newsletters
- How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD
- Downloadable chapters of my books
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues
- A large number of blog posts on various topics
- Referrals
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
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Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
© 2025 Melissa Orlov |
|
Character
ADHD & Marriage News - December 30, 2024
Quote of the Week
"Reputation is what men and women think of us; character is what God and angels know of us."
- American revolutionary, Thomas Paine
Character
“Regardless of what a person says, character is ultimately laid bare in his or her actions.” Ret. General Stanley McChrystal
If you have ADHD, do you tell your partner you’re sorry about something that went sideways yet again and get a lukewarm response? Or perhaps an ‘I’m so tired of hearing your sorry – I want you to not do that again!’
Having ADHD can interfere with doing all that you would like to do. Symptoms such as distraction, impulsivity, trouble planning, time management issues and more can get in the way. And yet, in your relationship, your actions matter. ADHD symptoms cannot be an excuse to let things remain sub-par.
What to do? First of all, you can lean into your character. You have strengths and (I hope) morals that are part of why you and your partner are together. I hope that part of that is a desire to do as well as you can. That could mean doing more of what you do really well (for example, enjoying your kids and creating joy). You can take the steps known to optimize your management of your ADHD – thus demonstrating to your partner and family that you take seriously your need to do your best. I hear over and over again from non-ADHD partners that they care less about absolute results than they do that a partner is genuinely engaged with managing their ADHD to the best of their ability.
You might decide that you do not wish to be a person who accelerates into anger easily and therefore hurts others in his family. The actions that would matter there? Working with a doctor or counselor to get at the root causes of your anger (perhaps medications for physiological anger or therapy for anger that has roots in trauma…)
Your actions don’t have to include perfection…but within the context of your relationship, engagement with managing ADHD is a demonstration of character that really counts.
As we bid farewell to 2024, make sure to give yourself a pat on the back for any progress either of you has made. What might be some positive next steps you would like to set as goals?
I would love to hear your thoughts and personal goals.
Warmly,
Melissa
Upcoming Events
REGISTRATION NOW OPEN, Details below:
Resources For Relationships Impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (registration open, starts January 22, 2025). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultant Ashley Paradise help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. This 9-session ZOOM seminar is on Wednesdays, Jan. 22 - March 19, 2025, from 7:30-9:15pm Eastern Time. The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration open, 5 of the 11 sessions are full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!
Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - (registration open, ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the seminar.
Couples support group - (registration open, starts January 21, 2025). Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.
NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - (LAUNCHING Feb 17, 2025) Learn to create lasting change as you turn your intentions and knowledge into concrete action. You’ll get specific ADHD management tools, real-time expert support for your relationship, and a connected, like-minded online community to help you out. Register for our free, live (by Zoom) information session. January 14, 2025, 7:30 PM - 8:30 PM (America/New York)
FREE RESOURCES:
- Live (by Zoom) Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program information session. January 14, 2025, 7:30 PM - 8:30 PM (America/New York)
- Weekly email Marriage Tips newsletters
- How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD
- Downloadable chapters of my books
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues
- A large number of blog posts on various topics
- Referrals
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
|
|
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
© 2025 Melissa Orlov |
|
Betrayal
ADHD & Marriage News - December 19, 2024
Quote of the Week
"Intimate betrayal most often occurs when partners violate their deeper values to gain a temporary sense of empowerment."
- Steven Stosny
Betrayal
Ari Tuckman’s survey of ‘mixed’ ADHD relationships suggests there are a lot of affairs in ADHD-impacted relationships. I’m not surprised by this. While some people are just serial non-monogamists or thrill seekers, many of the affairs I see in my work have to do with power-imbalances and that is just really, really common in couples impacted by ADHD.
For ADHD partners, affairs can be related to falling into the low-status ‘child’ roll in parent-child dynamics. An affair partner provides feelings of importance and appreciation again. For non-ADHD partners, having a chronically distracted partner can lead to feeling unloved or unlovable. In this case, the empowerment comes from learning that you are still desirable.
Don’t mistake me here – I’m not blaming the other partner for your choice to have an affair. There are other ways to feel empowered again (for example, counseling or developing a sense of purpose outside the relationship.) I am simply elaborating upon Stosny’s theme with ADHD-specific examples.
To consider: If you are feeling disempowered in your relationship it’s time to seek help. Look to yourself, rather than others, to find your power again. I know you can do it!
Upcoming Events
REGISTRATION NOW OPEN, Details below:
Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (registration open, starts January 22, 2025). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultant Ashley Paradise help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. This 9-session ZOOM seminar is on Wednesdays, Jan. 22 - March 19, 2025, from 7:30-9:15pm Eastern Time. The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration open, 4 of the 10 sessions are full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!
Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - (registration open, ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the seminar.
Couples support group - (registration open, starts January 21, 2025). Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.
Intent to Action Membership Program - (starts Feb 17, 2025) To inspire and help you both sustain attention for the long term on the parts of your relationship that you both feel is most important to you. The first 100 memberships will cost only $124 per couple (or individual, if you wish to do it alone) per month. Sign up to get an email reminder about registration for in early January.
FREE RESOURCES:
- Weekly email Marriage Tips newsletters
- How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD
- Downloadable chapters of my books
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues
- A large number of blog posts on various topics
- Referrals
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
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Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
© 2025 Melissa Orlov |
|
Sustaining Progress
ADHD & Marriage News - December 9, 2024
Quote of the Week
"We seem to go in stages. Things are great for a while, then it seems my partner, and perhaps me a little, lose focus and things start to slide. I don’t want to parent or be the mean person, so I wait and hold my breath, hoping things get better again, but it often doesn’t turn out so well. Not sure how to address this. I feel I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t."
- Non-ADHD partner
Sustaining Progress
I don’t normally use these tips to talk about a new program, but this week I’m doing so, because so many of you face this specific issue…
Sustaining progress when one or both of you has ADHD is really HARD! The symptoms remain and need constant vigilance…changes in your life together – even a vacation – can change the patterns in a way that makes it hard to get back on track. Or other things just seem to start taking more importance again. Old habits of interactions or behavior just creep back in.
This is an issue I’ve seen play out over and over again and it can result in feeling hopeless. The ups and downs of effort can engulf couples even as they really love each other. Continuing your relationship improvement takes sustained attention – something that those with ADHD, and their exhausted partners, find particularly difficult.
I finally have enough people on my team to start a program I’ve wanted to do for years to address this very issue (yay!!) We’re calling it the Intent to Action Membership Program. In it we hope to inspire and help you both sustain attention for the long term on the parts of your relationship that you both feel is most important to you. The program uses a multi-pronged approach tailored to different styles and motivational patterns:
- An always-available, expert-moderated private community for assistance with your efforts, accountability, and to cheer each other on
- Weekly emails with ideas, tips and specific action steps
- Lots of live (by Zoom) office hours with top experts so you can get advice about your particular situation and what you are working on
- Regular topic-based talks about how specific action steps might help you, and how to implement them
- Weekly ‘do that boring thing’ body doubling sessions…
- ‘What’s that tool?’ introductions to specific products and tools that can help you
- And more!
The program starts Feb 17, 2025. The first 100 memberships will cost only $124 per couple (or individual, if you wish to do it alone) per month.
We wanted to make it affordable, even though we’re offering a lot of support.
If you wish to learn more or have questions about this program we have a free Zoom-based, live information session at 7:30pm eastern on Wednesday, December 11th. Program Director, Rachel Ban and I will be there to tell you more and chat with you.
Sign up for the Dec 11th information session.
We hope you continue to learn all you can about how ADHD and responses to ADHD impact both of you…AND… we are ready to be your partners in helping you create the change you’re longing to create.
With warm holiday wishes to all,
Melissa Orlov
Upcoming Events
REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN:
Non-ADHD partner support groups - Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!
The ADHD Effect Couples Seminar - Melissa and senior consultant Ashley Paradise help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. This 9-week ZOOM seminar is on Wednesdays, Jan. 22 - March 19, 2025, from 7:30-9:15pm Eastern Time.
Couples support group - Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics. 7 consecutive Tuesdays, starting on January 21, 2025.
Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. (registration open, starts January 25, 2025). The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar
Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration open, 4 of the 10 sessions are full) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - (Full) Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - (registration open, ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the seminar.
Couples support group - (registration open, starts January 21, 2025). Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. 5 couples, 90 minutes, seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, and learn how to compassionately move away from it.
FREE RESOURCES:
- Free live information session at 7:30pm eastern on Wednesday, December 11th. Learn more about the Intent to Action Membership Program with Director Rachel Ban and Melissa
- Weekly email Marriage Tips newsletters
- How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD
- Downloadable chapters of my books
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues
- A large number of blog posts on various topics
- Referrals
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
|
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Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
© 2025 Melissa Orlov |
|
Problems
ADHD & Marriage News - December 5, 2024
Quote of the Week
"A lot of people will put the problem on the individual when the problem is the problem."
- Tom Murray, sex & relationship therapist
Problems
One of the ongoing bits of humor in the couples counseling world is that practically every client comes to couples work with one wish – ‘please fix my partner.’ This personification of the couple’s issues inhibits progress and can breed resentment and defiance (not to mention the pain of feeling unappreciated.)
No one can ‘fix’ another person (one can only fix oneself) and in relationship struggles it is almost universal that both partners have work to do. Fixing your own attitude and recognizing you, too, have something to learn is the first step to making relationship progress. Which doesn’t mean that your partner is squeaky clean. You BOTH have work to do!
Sometimes, it also helps to recognize that some problems are just problems, not a reflection of anyone’s shortcomings. How do you fairly distribute tasks given each partner’s strengths and weaknesses? How to remain flexible towards dissenting opinions when you’re tired? How do you find your way from point A to point B?
The good news here is that it is easier to work together if you’re addressing a broader problem rather than an individual failing.
To consider: Is there an opportunity to stop personalizing some of your issues and start recognizing that sometimes ‘the problem is the problem?’
Upcoming Events
REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN:
Non-ADHD partner support groups - Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!
The ADHD Effect Couples Seminar - Live Winter 2025 is now open! Melissa and senior consultant, Ashley Paradise, help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. This 9-week ZOOM seminar is on Wednesdays, Jan. 22 - March 19, 2025, from 7:30-9:15pm Eastern Time.
Resources For Relationships Impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. (The next live seminar starts January 2025). The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar
Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration open) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert. This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. (REGISTRATION IS OPEN). We STRONGLY recommend you also take the seminar
FREE RESOURCES:
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
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Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
© 2025 Melissa Orlov |
|
The Right Time?
ADHD & Marriage News - November 21, 2024
Quote of the Week
“There is no right time. Only time and how you spend it.”
-Maia Poetry
The Right Time?
I love this thought-provoking idea. In the world of ADHD, I would add another idea – your life is the sum total of where you aim your attention. Aka, how you spend your time.
It has become easier and easier to spend our time on entertainment and low-value activities – think Instagram reels; group text alerts; news pundits predicting the future…the vast majority of what we now do on our phones.
The sum total of all of those minutes, is your life. You can engage with your partner…go on a date, talk about your dogs, play with your kids…or you can...disappear into your phone. Entertainment seems benign, while actually, it steals your time, your attention, and your relationships.
I’m not anti – phone. I’m anti – mindless, addictive, pointing away from one’s partner and family. Connection is critical to your own (and your family’s) well being.
Forget about the ‘right time.’ There is only time.
Resources For Relationships Impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. (The next live seminar starts January 2025). The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert. This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. (REGISTRATION IS OPEN). We STRONGLY recommend you also take the seminar
FREE RESOURCES:
- Marriage Tips weekly newsletter and notification of future seminar and groups
- How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
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Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
© 2025 Melissa Orlov |
|
Losing Yourself
ADHD & Marriage News - October 30, 2024
Quote of the Week
“Are you you?”
-A sign in a local restaurant
Losing Yourself
I hear regularly in non-ADHD support groups this comment:
“I feel I’ve lost myself (in my relationship)”.
Do you feel the same way?
If you feel lost it may be because navigating the struggles and emotions in your life has distorted both your relationship and you. You might be ‘walking on eggshells’ and unable to fully express yourself. Though normally a calm person, you may feel resentful and rage at things that are ‘small’ but symbolic. You may feel hopeless and not know where to turn or how to find joy. You may resent or dislike your partner and have no idea what to do with that.
If these patterns sound familiar, then it may be a good time for some reflection and boundary resets. Are you living (and acting) in alignment with your most cherished values? Do you treat others (and particularly your partner) in ways you would like to be treated?
Your values are the core of who you are as a person. Once you are behaving in accordance with them you are more likely to ‘be you.’
If you wish to learn more about boundaries and values resets, consider our Couples Seminar or ADHD & Marriage Consulting.
UPCOMING EVENTS
Nov 14-16 - Annual International Conference on ADHD - Adults & partners, parents, clinicians of all kinds, coaches, organizers, educators, advocates.
Resources For Relationships Impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. (The next live seminar starts January 2025). The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert. This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. (REGISTRATION IS OPEN). We STRONGLY recommend you also take the seminar
FREE RESOURCES:
- How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD
- Downloadable chapters of my books
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues
- A large number of blog posts on various topics
- Referrals
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
|
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Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
© 2025 Melissa Orlov |
|
ADHD Meds Not Linked to Cardiovascular Events
ADHD & Marriage News - October 24, 2024
Quote of the Week
“In 2023, JAMA published a meta-analysis of 19 observational studies, involving 3.9 million participants, that found ADHD medications — both stimulants and non-stimulants — do not place patients of any age at greater risk for cardiovascular events, including heart failure and hypertension. The study found that there was no statistically significant association between ADHD medications and cardiovascular disease (CVD), even among middle-aged and older adults.3 Still, some prescribers hesitate or refuse to prescribe ADHD medications to patients older than age 50.”
-From The State of Adult ADHD Today, by Anni Layne Rodgers
ADHD Meds Not Linked to Cardiovascular Events
Please remember that I am not a doctor or prescriber.
I have been working with adults with ADHD since 2007 and I have noticed that people seem to be more willing to try medications than they used to be. That’s good news, because medications combined with behavioral changes is still the most effective way to manage ADHD according to research studies.
I pass the information along to reassure you if you are older and considering ADHD meds.
P.S. I’m not pushing medications on anyone. You get to choose what you put in your body. But it is helpful to have accurate information as you make your decision. If you wish to learn more about medications and ADHD, one good resource is the book ADD & Zombies.
Resources For Relationships Impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. (The next live seminar starts January 2025). The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert. This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. (REGISTRATION IS OPEN). We STRONGLY recommend you also take the seminar
FREE RESOURCES:
- How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
|
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Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
© 2025 Melissa Orlov |
|
Narrating the ADHD Brain
ADHD & Marriage News - October 15, 2024
Quote of the Week
See below…
Narrating the ADHD Brain
Erin: You often say “my ADHD brain”, can you describe or narrate what it’s like to be in your brain?
Jeff: One big thing is a surplus of attention – not a deficit. That’s a misnomer. It’s too much attention, being interested in everything, pulled in a million directions. Ping ping ping ping ping!
Another part is “time blindness.” The gift of ADHD is you can easily come back to the present. The problem is, you come back to the present stressed about the zillion things you forgot to do. Because your capacity to plan is poor, and you may have challenges with short-term memory, and be bad at estimating how long something will take. Time blindness comes up in so many ways – it’s not just losing track of time and missing appointments. It can also be hard to locate yourself in time – to remember the past, to position yourself in your own memories. If someone asks me, “hey, remember that time at university when we did this?, even if I could remember, it would be hard to place the year.
Another aspect is sensitivity. Painful emotional sensitivity, where it can be hard to exist inside big feeling states. Also, sensory sensitivity, where certain sense gates are really challenging. In my case I feel vulnerable when there’s a lot of noise. Or soft light touch makes me cringe. I also have intense interpersonal sensitivities – like “rejection sensitivity dysphoria,” where if I feel like I’ve failed someone it’s a knife in the chest. I can feel it for days.
ADHD folks are famous for the good side of all this too. Sensitivity mixed with a labile attention span often means high creative capacity. You’re both noticing lots of fine details and also jumping around making connections. Another positive is a kind of exuberance. I don’t stay in my bad moods long. You get refreshed by the moment and psyched about the next thing. Can make you fun at parties. I should say that I’m talking about my particular presentation of ADHD, which is more the impulsive energized type. Sarah is more of the daydreamy type. There’s diversity even within a single neuro-type. Although she’s also fun at parties.
Also there seems to be a high percentage of neurodiverse folks in activist and advocacy communities. That could be part of the sensitivity. When something’s happening that’s unfair, either in our lives, or in the larger world, we can be hypersensitive to those injustices. It’s hard to go on with business as usual.
But I don’t want to romanticize the pluses. All of these things are also extremely agonizing. A lot of the abject suffering I went through in my life came from functioning in this way without the support and understanding of how I was.
- ADHD adult, Jeff Warren, from an interview with Erin Oke in Home Base with Jeff Warren blog post
What does your ADHD brain feel like?
Resources For Relationships Impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. (The next live seminar starts January 2025). The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert. This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. (REGISTRATION IS OPEN). We STRONGLY recommend you also take the seminar
FREE RESOURCES:
- How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
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Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
© 2025 Melissa Orlov |
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Stress
ADHD & Marriage News - September 30, 2024
Quote of the Week
“People 45 and older who have elevated stress levels have been found to be 37 percent more likely to have cognitive problems, including memory and thinking issues, than those who are not stressed, according to research published in the Journal JAMA Network Open…chronic stress can (also) lead to various physical and mental health problems, including anxiety, depression, headaches, heart disease, high blood pressure, sleep problems…cognitive decline was greater among the most stressed participants, regardless of age, race or sex.”
- Washington Post, 4-10-23
Stress
There are two main reasons to focus on improving your relationship, in my opinion. The first is that a healthy relationship is wonderful to be in while a dysfunctional one is painful.
The second reason is that the stress of being in a dysfunctional relationship can literally take years off your life, add mental health issues such as depression or anxiety, and result in serious cognitive decline.
In my mind, this latter is good reason to set a regular set of dates upon which you will assess whether or not your relationship is working for you and, if not, what your course of action might be to change that. Once every six to twelve months, for example. Ask yourself: Do I feel constantly on edge (sometimes described as ‘walking on eggshells’)? Am I being newly treated for depression or anxiety related to my relationship? Am I having trouble keeping things straight in a way that doesn’t reflect my age?
If the answer to some or all of those questions is yes, then it’s time to modify your course. Consider consulting with a professional, improving your boundaries, making sure you are contributing your best and where you are in the changes you wish to make as a couple. If your partner is also committed to improvement there are many improvements that typically can be made. If not, then change is less likely.
Stress doesn’t just come from our relationships, of course. It can also come from our jobs, financial situations, and much more. But it is important to understand that keeping the status quo in a long-term in a relationship that you experience as chronically stressful isn’t a neutral act for you. It has very real health implications.
Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. (The next live seminar starts January 2025). The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert. This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. (REGISTRATION IS OPEN). We STRONGLY recommend you also take the seminar
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2024 Melissa Orlov
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
|
|
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
© 2025 Melissa Orlov |
|
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