Weekly Marriage Tips

ADHD & Marriage News - April 3, 2025

Quote of the Week

“I was overcommitted and overwhelmed.  So, I came up with the idea of a BOX.  The box was my ‘this is it.’  I can’t add anything to the box unless I take something else out.  That helped me limit what I took on and manage my overwhelm.”

- Larry Jones, MD, MBA 

Addressing Overwhelm

I love the idea of Jones’ BOX as a visualization of what his limits are.  It’s a simple, and effective, way to assess whether or not he should take on that next research project; commit to five new tasks at home, and more.  Further, because the box is visual, he can think about whether or not the item he is trying to add to his box is a similar size to the one he is selecting to remove and replace.

I also imagine that you could use the metaphor of the box with your partner.  “I’m sorry, but my box is currently full and I don’t have anything I can comfortably remove right now” signals both that you have thoughtfully considered the size and scope of the request your partner has made, and have a reason to say ‘no.’

Might you use Jones’ idea of a ‘this is it…this is all I can do’ box?

HIGHLIGHT: 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - We're thrilled that people are getting a lot out of Intent to Action. Here's what some of our members have to say:

"We appreciated that, again, we found out that we are not alone in our struggles and issues. We also like the support that is provided from other couples and facilitators."

"The couple workshops- going through it together with other couples- has been a game changer and has really had a big impact on us. We count the days for these workshops:-) Thank you! "

You can still get one of the last spots for the lifetime rate of $124/month if you Join us soon!

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open)  - Live expert support, a great community and lots of ADHD management tools, encouragement and accountability to help change your good intentions into new dynamics with your partner.  

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Registration Open) - Spring 2025 dates: Wednesdays, April 16, 23, 30, May 7, 14, 21, (break), June 4, 11. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

FREE RESOURCES:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
• Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• A large number of blog posts on various topics;
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
• Chore Score Worksheet;
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD

ADHD & Marriage News - March 26, 2025

Quote of the Week

“At first, I thought, ‘I can still have all these neurotypical goals and have this neurotypical life and have a clean house and a clean car and keep in touch with friends.  I just have to do it in a way that’s ADHD-friendly.’  I was willing to accept that if my brain works differently, I might have to do things differently.  But I wasn’t yet willing to accept the limits of using tools and strategies.  No matter how many tools you have, the challenges are still there.”

- Jessica McCabe, YouTube creator of How to ADHD 

The Limits of Tools

I’m a huge fan of creating structures and using ADHD-friendly tools (such as alarms and reminders) to help those with ADHD function better in a world that is often hostile to them.  These tools often work well and can make incredible differences in how individuals with ADHD function and how healthy their relationship is.

But, as McCabe notes from her own experience, there is a limit to what tools can do for you.  For one, they don’t make ADHD go away.  For another, they don’t turn you into a non-ADHD person.  Even well managed, the ADHD remains…and needs to continue to be managed.

This may be a big disappointment to ADHD and non-ADHD partners alike, who often hope that the right combination of systems and structures will smooth out everything at home.  This is such a big issue, in fact, that I sometimes have to stop couples from fantasizing about what improvement the next tool might bring and work with them on recognizing what they have, right now, with their current relationship and their current partner.

It is always useful work.  True acceptance of ADHD’s strengths and weaknesses (it generally brings both) stabilizes the relationship and improves your ability to move forward with effective ways to improve your real relationship, rather than pine for the one you imagine you might have, but don’t.

Do you spend a lot of time fantasizing about what you might have vs. seeking the wonderful in what you already have?

HIGHLIGHT: 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - It's a great time to join! We have outstanding workshops coming up, like the ADHD Partner Pause with Cam Gott, and a book discussion on April 7th with author Tamara Rozier on her book "You, Me and our ADHD Family." And, our Resource Library was just launched so you can choose your own adventure for what you need to learn and apply with your partner. You can still get one of the last spots for the lifetime rate of $124/month if you Join us soon!

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open)  - Live expert support, a great community and lots of ADHD management tools, encouragement and accountability to help change your good intentions into new dynamics with your partner.  

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Registration Open) - Spring 2025 dates: Wednesdays, April 16, 23, 30, May 7, 14, 21, (break), June 4, 11. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

FREE RESOURCES:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
• Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• A large number of blog posts on various topics;
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
• Chore Score Worksheet;
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD

ADHD & Marriage News - March 18, 2025

Quote of the Week

“I’ve always thought I could use my brain and my heart to jockey everyone around to the good.  But life is not jockeyable.  When you try, you make people infinitely crazier than they already were, including or especially yourself.”

- Anne Lamott 

Jockey Everyone Around

It’s safe to speculate that there is probably a lot on your plate!  To get things to run smoothly you may have to manage your family members to jockey things around quite a bit.

Inherent in that jockeying is a position of control.  “You do this; I’ll do that; they’ll do this other thing.”  You do it with best intentions, and a big heart, but (as you probably already know) it often doesn’t go as you had planned.  This is particularly true when one or more people in your family have ADHD.

I bring this to your attention because there are actually hidden costs of trying to jockey things around all the time:

1.     Other people in your life resent being jockeyed around and told what to do.  Therefore, your efficiency efforts can add negative feelings in the family.

2.     You set yourself up for disappointment (and resentment – there is a theme here) because you expect one outcome but may get a different, less satisfactory, one

3.     In your effort to manage things well, you end up focusing on ‘stuff’/efficiency and may lose sight of what’s really important – nurturing relationships.

I ask that you go back and read Lamott’s quote one more time and take 2 minutes to ask if it applies to your own life.

STARTING TODAY MARCH 18: ADHD Effect LIVE In-Depth Couples' Seminar - No matter where you are in the world.... you can join via Zoom. 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - Join us for an Information Session on Wednesday, March 26th at 8p EST to learn what our members love about i2a, ask your questions, and see if it’s the right fit for you. Register here for the Information Session to save your spot.  

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program: ADHD Management Tools, Expert Support and Community for ADHD Impacted Relationships - Live expert support, a great community and lots of tools, encouragement and accountability to help change your good intentions into new dynamics with your partner. Learn more and join us!  

Register here for our Information Session on Wednesday, March 26th at 8p EST to learn what our members love about i2a, ask your questions, and see if it’s the right fit for you.  

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (9-session ZOOM seminar starts March 18. Registration OPEN). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.  The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

FREE RESOURCES:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
• How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• A large number of blog posts on various topics;
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
• Chore Score Worksheet;
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD

ADHD & Marriage News - March 5, 2025

Quote of the Week

“Sometimes when you plan a little less, you experience a little more.”

- Oprah Winfrey 

Experience More

One of the differences between non-ADHD partners and ADHD partners is that the former tend to like to go from point A to point B in something that resembles a straight line.  People with ADHD rarely do this.  A few use planning things out in great detail as a way to keep their lives under control.

Yet for anyone who likes to ‘stay on track’ there is much to be gained by learning to savor the journey…celebrating and enjoying what happens along the way, rather than focusing on how it might take longer or upset your schedule.

Living in a straight line is efficient – something that Americans value greatly.  But it usually isn’t ‘deepening,’ and that is where a lot of the best parts of relationships lie.  When done right, saying ‘yes’ rather than ‘we don’t have time’ can create opportunities to enjoy together, to get to know each other better, to explore new places or ideas, or simply to smile.

Don’t misunderstand me.  I’m not suggesting you get to the emergency room in Boston by way of Des Moines.  There are times in your life when that straight line is absolutely necessary.  It’s just not as often as many non-ADHD partners think it is.

Can you find time to savor the journey this week?

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

 EVENTS:

ADHD Effect LIVE In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Registration OPEN. No matter where you are in the world.... you can join via Zoom. 9-sessions. Starts March 18. 

Non-ADHD partner support groups - Registration OPEN. 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - Registration ONGOING. Providing ongoing support for couples dealing with ADHD. Read below for recent camaraderie and conversation.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program: ADHD Management Tools, Expert Support and Community for ADHD Impacted Relationships - Intent to Action this week has been full of great ADHD relationship camaraderie and conversation. In Melissa's Book Club, we had a great group conversation about her seminal book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage. We explored the connections between anger, grief and acceptance. There, Russell B offered the insight: "when you don’t reject yourself, you can accept yourself” which reverberated for everyone. Conversations in Office Hours have been centered around implementing verbal cues and strategies for impulsivity and forgetting. And March is just getting started! This month we're looking forward to workshops on anger, setting target symptoms and more. Learn more and join us! You can learn more on the registration page listed above. Please let us know if you have any questions. Thanks, we hope you can join us!  

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next 9-session ZOOM seminar starts March 18. Registration OPEN). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.  The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Registration Open) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Not Yet Open for Registration) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

FREE RESOURCES:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
• How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• A large number of blog posts on various topics;
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
• Chore Score Worksheet;
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD

ADHD & Marriage News - February 26, 2025

Quote of the Week

“You cannot wait for your relationship to become happy before you change your behavior.  Relationships improve after behavior changes, not before.”

- Steven Stosny

Change First

Working with couples impacted by ADHD is different from other couples work.  Among other things, it’s critical to see changed behaviors in both partners before the couple can start to reconnect.  This is because if the behaviors (over-functioning and under-functioning) don’t change, injuries to each partner continue in real time.

Are you waiting for your partner to change before you engage?  If so, I encourage you jump in to doing the work you need to do, instead.  You will move much more quickly towards the improved relationship you seek.

 Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

 EVENTS:

ADHD Effect LIVE In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next 9-session ZOOM seminar starts March 18. Registration OPEN). 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - We welcome you to join the community conversation in i2a!  There are still a few spots left at our lowest-ever monthly rate of $124/ month!  This week: 

• Melissa gave a wonderful workshop on resentment for both partners, which led to great exploration of what's underneath resentment and how to address it from both sides.
• An ADHD partner raised his challenges around defensiveness, then members of our community offered their solidarity and strategies to help them.  

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program: ADHD Management Tools, Expert Support and Community for ADHD Impacted Relationships - Learn to create lasting change as you turn your intentions and knowledge into concrete action.  You’ll get specific ADHD management tools, real-time expert support for your relationship, and a connected, like-minded online community. Click here to learn more.

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next 9-session ZOOM seminar starts March 18. Registration OPEN). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.  The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.  

FREE RESOURCES:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters
• How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues
• A large number of blog posts on various topics
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists
• Chore Score Worksheet
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD

ADHD & Marriage News - March 12, 2025

Quote of the Week

Love Lesson 

The difference 
between telling someone
you love them 
and loving them 
is the difference between pumpkin 
and sweet potato pie.   

The difference 
between loving 
and being loved 
is the difference 
between watering a garden 
and the autumn harvest.  

-Kwame Alexander

Love Lessons 

I love the imagery in this poem.  Loving another is nurturing.  And receiving love is life giving and life affirming.  I urge you to reflect upon your own relationship and how you might get more of both.

Starting Next Week - March 18 -  ADHD Effect LIVE In-Depth Couples' Seminar / 9 Sessions / (Mostly) Wednesdays, 7:30pm - 9:15pm EASTERN   

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

 SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program: (Registration Ongoing)  A few spots remain at our lowest-ever monthly rate of $124/ month. ADHD Management Tools, Expert Support and Community for ADHD Impacted Relationships - Learn to create lasting change as you turn your intentions and knowledge into concrete action.  You’ll get specific ADHD management tools, real-time expert support for your relationship, and a connected, like-minded online community. We welcome you to join the community conversation in i2a! Click here to learn more. 

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next 9-session ZOOM seminar starts March 18. Registration OPEN). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.  The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full - If you would like to be added to our notification list for future support groups, please contact us here.) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Registration OPEN) This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full - If you would like to be added to our notification list for future support groups, please contact us here.) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.  

FREE RESOURCES:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters
• How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues
• A large number of blog posts on various topics
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists
• Chore Score Worksheet
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD

ADHD & Marriage News - February 20, 2025

Quote of the Week

“You can’t punish honesty and expect the truth.”

- Ari Tuckman, PhD.

The Delicate Balance

It gives me great pleasure when I can help a couple learn to communicate better around tasks and responsibilities.  By the time they seek help, most couples impacted by ADHD are in parent-child dynamics…and one of the byproducts is that the ‘parent’ figure pushes, organizes, and creates consequences while the child partner hides their true feelings, avoids conflict, and often over-promises in order to please.

Tuckman’s simple advice points to a different way.  If you have ADHD, learn how to constructively speak up for yourself.  “I don’t have time for to do X” is likely to be healthier for your relationship because it is transparent and honest, than agreeing to do something you fear you can’t do.  Transparency, while often hard because it can trigger feelings of shame, is always the best path as it supports a foundation of trust.

Simultaneously, non-ADHD partners have an important role to play in how they respond.  While you may feel disappointed that your partner says no, or feel as if you don’t know how you will get yet another thing done, encouraging honesty in the relationship creates a much stronger relationship than getting angry at the honest response.  When a partner says no, a constructive response could be an open and inviting, ‘Okay.  Let’s talk about other options for getting that done.’

Do you and your partner have room to improve this particular interactive pattern in your relationship?

 Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

 UPCOMING EVENTS:

ADHD Effect LIVE In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next 9-session ZOOM seminar starts March 18. Registration OPEN). 

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program: ADHD Management Tools, Expert Support and Community for ADHD Impacted Relationships - (JUST LAUNCHED) Learn to create lasting change as you turn your intentions and knowledge into concrete action.  You’ll get specific ADHD management tools, real-time expert support for your relationship, and a connected, like-minded online community. 

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next 9-session ZOOM seminar starts March 18. Registration OPEN). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.  The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

FREE RESOURCES:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters
• How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues
• A large number of blog posts on various topics
• Referrals

ADHD & Marriage News - February 19, 2025

Quote of the Week

"Disappoint early”

"You can’t punish honesty and expect the truth."

- Ari Tuckman, PhD.

The Delicate Balance

It gives me great pleasure when I can help a couple learn to communicate better around tasks and responsibilities.  By the time they seek help, most couples impacted by ADHD are in parent-child dynamics…and one of the byproducts is that the ‘parent’ figure pushes, organizes, and creates consequences while the child partner hides their true feelings, avoids conflict, and often over-promises in order to please.

Tuckman’s simple advice points to a different way.  If you have ADHD, learn how to constructively speak up for yourself.  “I don’t have time for to do X” is likely to be healthier for your relationship because it is transparent and honest, than agreeing to do something you fear you can’t do.  Transparency, while often hard because it can trigger feelings of shame, is always the best path as it supports a foundation of trust.

Simultaneously, non-ADHD partners have an important role to play in how they respond.  While you may feel disappointed that your partner says no, or feel as if you don’t know how you will get yet another thing done, encouraging honesty in the relationship creates a much stronger relationship than getting angry at the honest response.  When a partner says no, a constructive response could be an open and inviting, ‘Okay.  Let’s talk about other options for getting that done.’

Do you and your partner have room to improve this particular interactive pattern in your relationship?

 Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

UPCOMING EVENTS:

ADHD Effect LIVE In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next 9-session ZOOM seminar starts March 18. Registration OPEN). 

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program: ADHD Management Tools, Expert Support and Community for ADHD Impacted Relationships - (JUST LAUNCHED) Learn to create lasting change as you turn your intentions and knowledge into concrete action.  You’ll get specific ADHD management tools, real-time expert support for your relationship, and a connected, like-minded online community. 

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next 9-session ZOOM seminar starts March 18. Registration OPEN). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.  The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (registration open, ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

FREE RESOURCES:

• Live (by Zoom) Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program information session. February 11, 2025, 7:30 PM - 8:30 PM (America/New York)
• Weekly email Marriage Tips newsletters
• How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD
• Downloadable chapters of my books
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues
• A large number of blog posts on various topics
• Referrals

ADHD & Marriage News - December 30, 2024

Quote of the Week

"Reputation is what men and women think of us; character is what God and angels know of us."

- American revolutionary, Thomas Paine

Character

“Regardless of what a person says, character is ultimately laid bare in his or her actions.” Ret. General Stanley McChrystal

If you have ADHD, do you tell your partner you’re sorry about something that went sideways yet again and get a lukewarm response?  Or perhaps an ‘I’m so tired of hearing your sorry – I want you to not do that again!’

Having ADHD can interfere with doing all that you would like to do.  Symptoms such as distraction, impulsivity, trouble planning, time management issues and more can get in the way.  And yet, in your relationship, your actions matter.  ADHD symptoms cannot be an excuse to let things remain sub-par.

What to do?  First of all, you can lean into your character.  You have strengths and (I hope) morals that are part of why you and your partner are together.  I hope that part of that is a desire to do as well as you can.  That could mean doing more of what you do really well (for example, enjoying your kids and creating joy).  You can take the steps known to optimize your management of your ADHD – thus demonstrating to your partner and family that you take seriously your need to do your best.  I hear over and over again from non-ADHD partners that they care less about absolute results than they do that a partner is genuinely engaged with managing their ADHD to the best of their ability.  

You might decide that you do not wish to be a person who accelerates into anger easily and therefore hurts others in his family.  The actions that would matter there?  Working with a doctor or counselor to get at the root causes of your anger (perhaps medications for physiological anger or therapy for anger that has roots in trauma…)

Your actions don’t have to include perfection…but within the context of your relationship, engagement with managing ADHD is a demonstration of character that really counts.

As we bid farewell to 2024, make sure to give yourself a pat on the back for any progress either of you has made.  What might be some positive next steps you would like to set as goals? 

I would love to hear your thoughts and personal goals.

Warmly,

Melissa

 Upcoming Events

REGISTRATION NOW OPEN, Details below:

• The ADHD Effect Couples Seminar
• Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups
• Couples Support Group

Resources For Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (registration open, starts January 22, 2025). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultant Ashley Paradise help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. This 9-session ZOOM seminar is on Wednesdays, Jan. 22 - March 19, 2025, from 7:30-9:15pm Eastern Time.  The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration open, 5 of the 11 sessions are full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - (registration open, ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the seminar.

Couples support group - (registration open, starts January 21, 2025). Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - (LAUNCHING Feb 17, 2025) Learn to create lasting change as you turn your intentions and knowledge into concrete action.  You’ll get specific ADHD management tools, real-time expert support for your relationship, and a connected, like-minded online community to help you out. Register for our free, live (by Zoom) information session. January 14, 2025, 7:30 PM - 8:30 PM (America/New York)

FREE RESOURCES:

• Live (by Zoom) Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program information session. January 14, 2025, 7:30 PM - 8:30 PM (America/New York)
• Weekly email Marriage Tips newsletters
• How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD
• Downloadable chapters of my books
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues
• A large number of blog posts on various topics
• Referrals

ADHD & Marriage News - December 19, 2024

Quote of the Week

"Intimate betrayal most often occurs when partners violate their deeper values to gain a temporary sense of empowerment."

- Steven Stosny

Betrayal

Ari Tuckman’s survey of ‘mixed’ ADHD relationships suggests there are a lot of affairs in ADHD-impacted relationships.  I’m not surprised by this.  While some people are just serial non-monogamists or thrill seekers, many of the affairs I see in my work have to do with power-imbalances and that is just really, really common in couples impacted by ADHD.

For ADHD partners, affairs can be related to falling into the low-status ‘child’ roll in parent-child dynamics.  An affair partner provides feelings of importance and appreciation again.  For non-ADHD partners, having a chronically distracted partner can lead to feeling unloved or unlovable.  In this case, the empowerment comes from learning that you are still desirable.

Don’t mistake me here – I’m not blaming the other partner for your choice to have an affair.  There are other ways to feel empowered again (for example, counseling or developing a sense of purpose outside the relationship.)  I am simply elaborating upon Stosny’s theme with ADHD-specific examples.

To consider: If you are feeling disempowered in your relationship it’s time to seek help.  Look to yourself, rather than others, to find your power again.  I know you can do it!

Upcoming Events

REGISTRATION NOW OPEN, Details below:

• Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups
• The ADHD Effect Couples Seminar   
• Couples Support Group

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (registration open, starts January 22, 2025). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultant Ashley Paradise help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. This 9-session ZOOM seminar is on Wednesdays, Jan. 22 - March 19, 2025, from 7:30-9:15pm Eastern Time.  The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration open, 4 of the 10 sessions are full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - (registration open, ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the seminar.

Couples support group - (registration open, starts January 21, 2025). Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Intent to Action Membership Program - (starts Feb 17, 2025) To inspire and help you both sustain attention for the long term on the parts of your relationship that you both feel is most important to you. The first 100 memberships will cost only $124 per couple (or individual, if you wish to do it alone) per month. Sign up to get an email reminder about registration for in early January.

FREE RESOURCES:

• Weekly email Marriage Tips newsletters
• How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD
• Downloadable chapters of my books
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues
• A large number of blog posts on various topics
• Referrals