Weekly Marriage Tips

Like many with ADHD, Joseph Semah was used to saying ‘yes’ when his wife asked him to do something, even if he was pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to complete it.  But, happily for them both, he changed that habit to one in which he steps back for a moment, assesses the request being made, and answers as honestly as he can about whether or not he can say ‘yes.’

The transition to more honest ‘nos’ can be difficult, but Joseph recommends that you ‘take the plunge.’  In the short-term your partner may not be happy with your no.  But in the long term your honesty supports a far more important aspect of your relationship – mutual trust.

Do you say ‘yes’ more often than you should?

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert.  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We will re-open our inquiry portal to match clients with consultants on August 15.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

There are really big things you do for each other that mean a lot, of course.  And yet, it is your daily interactions that create the true fabric of your lives together.  Some of the small things you do demonstrate your intent towards each other:

• Setting up daily appreciation rituals as a commitment to strengthening your bonds
• Going to a financial planner to finally put that savings plan in place for a well-enough funded retirement

Others demonstrate your respect:

• Waiting for your partner to complete a sentence with which he is struggling, rather than jumping in to finish it for him
• Telling others how proud you are of your partner
• Thanking your partner for effort they have made on your behalf

And others show how much you care:

• Responding positively to a difficult request simply because it came from your partner
• Pulling your partner close in joy or sorrow
• Telling them you love them

These are just a few of the small things that support a big love.

What small things are you doing in your relationship to show your love?

In The News:

ADHD in Parents — Fostering a Supportive Family Environment - Melissa shares profound insights into the unique challenges faced by parents who are dealing with ADHD symptoms, as well as the impact it can have on partnerships and family dynamics.

ADHD: Unintended Consequences of the Divorce Word - ADHD relationships and the unintended consequences of what takes place the first time the word divorce is brought up. 

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert.  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We will re-open our inquiry portal to match clients with consultants on August 15.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

Words spoken, and actions taken, can never be unspoken or undone.  When those words are negative, they leave a heaviness that must be unburdened.

One of the things that I and others in my field do is help people allow the heavy energy that they are carrying around flow through their bodies and out.  To learn that actions are often not personal but symptomatic; that words spoken by someone who is flooded are about self-defense more than actual belief; that resentment is a burden that interferes with healing.

We can heal from memories and our past as long as the hurts don’t continue, repetitively, in our lives creating new injury.  This is the power of learning how to manage ADHD symptoms and responses to the symptoms – moving away from entrenched patterns towards a future in which your memories no longer carry ‘heavy energy’. 

IN THE MEDIA:

My interview, “ADHD: Unintended Consequences of the Divorce Word,” airs June 14 at 4:00 pm ET on Attention Talk Radio. We discuss ADHD relationships and the unintended consequences of what takes place the first time the word divorce is brought up. 

8 Questions to Ask Before Giving Up on Your Marriage - Psychology Today

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

I have been giving a lot of thought lately to self-compassion. When I came across this poem it made my heart warm.  I love the image of past selves supporting showing kindness to our current self…as well as the very positive idea of personal growth this poem suggests.  

In all of us there can be many wise, supportive and caring past selves urging us on.  And a hope that who you are today will support who you become in the future.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

I was blown away when I heard this brain expert talking about how the brain predictively creates our perception of our experiences as it pieces together why it is probably getting the signals it is getting.

This is so backwards from the idea that I’m used to - that our environment creates our experiences – that I had to really stop and think.  But, though it’s a new idea to me, it does make sense.  And supports the idea that context means a great deal.

Context is part of the power of learning about ADHD.  As one example, learning that an ADHD partner’s distraction doesn’t equal “I don’t love you” but rather “I am distracted (symptom).”

The predictive nature of our brain’s interpretations (which turns out to be an evolutionary, energy-saving feature of the human brain, according to Barrett) can slow healing and change, though.  With the brain basing its experiences on past knowledge, it can take a while for partners to stop being nervous about what ‘might’ happen.  In the past, the initial signals in a sequence may have meant something specific (‘you are unloved’).  Now it doesn’t need to.

One way to retrain your brain to interpret things in new ways is with the power of thinking ‘intentionally’ about changing your perceptions and moving into your new future.  Now that you have more accurate context, you can train yourself and your brain to more positively experience the signals you are receiving.

Phew!  Is this an interesting, new way to think about the brain for you, too?

FREE:

➤  Get two free chapters of "The ADHD Effect on Marriage"

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

Sometimes when I work with couples, I notice a distinct power struggle going on.  It often shows up when one or both partners feel “You (my partner) must do X because that is what I/we need to be happy.”  That’s another way of saying ‘you need to do X because it’s the right thing to do.”  Sadly, this thinking, while common, does not acknowledge the free will of the other partner.  In a healthy relationship you can request a change that will please you, but you cannot define it nor demand it…no matter how important that change feels to you.

Stop for 30 seconds, close your eyes, and think of all of the things you feel your partner must change in order for the relationship to be successful.

Thanks for doing that.  Now…let’s talk about boundaries.  Because as desperate as you might feel about how your partner doesn’t follow through consistently, or how frustrated your partner often is with you, it isn’t about telling your partner to do what you think is right.  Because only they get to define what is right for them.

What changes am I suggesting you make here?  First, talk about what you, yourself desire.  Stay focused on you rather than telling your partner what to do (even if they ask you to!).  Second, if you wish your partner to act in a certain way, ask if they might be willing to do so rather than telling them they must (thus recognizing their agency.  They don’t have to do anything for you if they don’t wish to). Third, call out power struggles when you see them so the two of you can figure out if the struggle is the result of one or both of you stepping outside your own boundaries.  That may provide you insight into how you might recover from the misstep.

Do either of you tell the other what is right for that other partner?

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

Are you an ADHD partner resisting the idea of getting an evaluation or treating your ADHD?  Do you have a child with ADHD that you’re resisting treating?  I hope that this quote will help you reconsider.  Anxiety and depression are not the only common co-existing conditions with ADHD.  Other issues include substance abuse, low self-esteem and feelings of shame.

Treatment is critical – but remember I’m not just talking about medications.  There are three legs of effective ADHD treatment – the physiological treatments that help change how your brain functions, the habit changes that improve executive functioning (such as reminder and time management systems) and the interactive structures you put in place with your partner.  For kids, there are study and test taking skills they can be taught, special classroom placement that helps them focus, and more.

If you would like an overview of how to optimize management of ADHD, go to my homepage to download my free optimizing treatment ebook.

You may have reasons for not wanting to dig deeply into managing ADHD.  But, as Ned Hallowell likes to say, not trying known treatments for ADHD and hoping symptoms will improve is like not trying glasses when you have poor eyesight.  Please reconsider.

FREE SUMMIT FOR MEN WITH ADHD:

➤  On the Right ADHD Trail May 17-19, 2024. Register here

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (Registration open) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

I hear a lot of negativity about partners in my work.  I get it – many of you are in incredibly stressful situations in your relationship.  But Hendrix’s idea that ‘The job for all human beings is to be safe for others’ has the potential to be a simple and powerful north star for guiding one’s own behaviors towards everyone, but particularly our spouses.

What might this look like?  Here are some examples:

• A partner with ADHD starts medications to manage her volatility and stop throwing things at her partner when she’s angry
• An angry non-ADHD partner chooses to wait until both partners are calm to express her concerns, rather than join in her partner’s angry tirade
• A distracted partner works with a coach to find the energy and skillset to be more attentive to a partner who has expressed they feel lonely
• A non-ADHD partner in ‘parenting mode’ waits until she sees a pattern of behaviors that concern her before speaking calmly with her ADHD wife, rather than critique each issue as it comes up

I have suggested a similar idea in my seminar – ask yourself ‘how can I be kind?’ when addressing your partner.

However you choose to proceed, it’s clear that there is no real room for put downs and negativity in healthy relationships.  Could you do better on this front?

ONGOING:

➤  ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Self-study Seminar Available Now!

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar  has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

Let’s explore these concepts a bit:

Lead with presence:  Be fully in the conversation, and paying attention to your partner.  One of the reasons Learning Conversations are effective for couples impacted by ADHD is that they are structured conversations of intent.  In order for a Learning Conversation to be held, both partners must be emotionally and intelligently present.  Scheduled emotions meetings are another way to ensure full engagement.

There are other ways to be present, too.  Look your partner in the eye.  Hold her hand.  Keep your voice calm.  Take a moment to digest what your partner has said and consider your response before jumping in.  Listen, before formulating a response.  All of these help create an effective conversation.

Come from a place of curiosity and care.  Be open, engaged, and focus on the OTHER person, rather than on yourself.  There will be lots of time to address your concerns at some other point in the future.  In the meantime, being curious about what your partner is saying is a great way to make your partner feel ‘seen.’

Focus on what matters.  Sometimes that means looking for what’s underneath the most obvious issue at hand.  Particularly when anger or frustration are present, it’s easy to get caught in the superficial issues at hand (the anger is unpleasant) rather than what really matters (the anger is based in a fear that you might leave.)  Be curious about what’s underneath, and be willing to go there if your partner (or you) need to do so.

Can Sofer’s suggestions improve your conversations?

ONGOING:

➤  ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Self-study Seminar Available Now!

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar  has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. (There will be NO spring seminar in 2024.) 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

Well…yes.  Provided the emotions include at least some joy, pleasure, affection, gratitude, love and others.  I know life isn’t all puppies and rainbows.  On the other hand, it can’t be all emotional abuse, either.

One common coping strategy for dealing with difficult emotions or situations is to box them off or turn away from them. Ignoring these emotions provides the benefit of removing them from creating pain.  That makes the present moment feel easier.  But it also deadens your life, and Goleman’s quote suggests why.  

Take a look at your emotional life.  What parts of both the positive and the negative can you view as a rich tapestry that comprises you and your life?  Are you appreciating the idea that all emotions contribute to a rich life?  Might you be willing to start deconstructing any boxes you have created and dealing with difficult emotions so that pain can flow through you in a healthy way?  (This is far better for you than holding pain inside and allowing it to fester.)

I like the idea of your mix of emotions making a rich life.  Do you?

ONGOING:

➤  ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Self-study Seminar Available Now!

➤ May 17 - 19 ADHD TELESUMMIT - SPECIFICALLY FOR MEN! Register here. 

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar  has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024.  

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.