Weekly Marriage Tips

No one is perfect.  Period.  End of sentence.

So, it makes no sense to set up an environment where failure is met with negativity, such as a critique, disappointment, yelling, or rejection.  Doing so, intentionally or unintentionally, can quickly lead to habits of coverups and lies.

I’m pretty confident that at least some of the non-ADHD partners reading this will say ‘my partner fails all the time and I don’t punish them.’  Is that true, though?  Do you sigh or roll your eyes (signals of contempt).  Instruct them in how to do better (humiliation)?  Lose your temper (punishment of a different sort)?  Tell them they can’t have (sex; your affection; time to play…) until they do better?

Others will say “I am completely open to my partner’s problems…and still they lie.”  I view that as testament to the many types of ‘punishment’ ADHDers experience, as well as a lifetime of not doing as well as they had hoped.

Edmondson has studied how corporations handle failure and her findings were quite clear.  Those that set up a no-fail policy were those who had bigger failures because people covered up and so things got much worse before they were discovered.  Conversely, those that set up systems that accepted failure as part of the process and focused on improvement did much better.

Is there something to be learned for your relationship in her research?

STARTING NEXT WEEK - SEPTEMBER 18! 

➤  ADHD Effect In-Depth LIVE Couples' Seminar - Wednesdays, Sept 18 to Nov 20, 2024 / 8pm to ~ 9:40pm EASTERN time  

No matter where you are in the world, you can take this seminar - Get the hope, information and the tools you need to move towards a HAPPIER, HEALTHIER & THRIVING RELATIONSHIP. 

• Learn how to trust again
• Get out of destructive patterns such as parent/child dynamics and the chore wars
• Become closer than you have been in a long time, and find the joy and intimacy you miss
• Let go of your anger and frustration
• Move from “correcting problems” to “enjoying each other”
• Navigate and optimize ADHD treatments
• Tap into hope for your relationship
• Cope with having a partner who is not yet in control of their anger
• Improve your communication skills

September 11, 2001, is forever seared in our memories. We support families and friends who lost loved ones that day.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. THE NEXT LIVE SEMINAR STARTS SEPTEMBER 18, 2024. The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (FULL) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (FULL) - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert.  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  REGISTRATION IS OPEN.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

I sometimes ask people to seek out the benefit of negative feelings they hold or coping strategies they employ.  In the case of resentment, not only does holding onto resentment protect you from needing to be vulnerable, it also makes you feel more powerful.  By devaluing the person you feel resentful towards you can make yourself feel better.

But…holding on to resentment hurts you.  Because it keeps you from loving.  In fact, in a different place, Stosny suggests that you can either hold onto your resentment or love another, but you can’t do both.

That’s an amazingly strong call to action to lean into confronting the resentment you hold and confronting the illusory power and protection it seems to grant.

Often, one of the first steps in letting go of resentment is owning your own role in your situation.  For example:

• I chose this partner in the first place, of my own free will
• I do parent my partner, even as I don’t like doing so
• I critique my partner and when I do so, he responds negatively to me, which I resent
• I don’t manage my ADHD symptoms as well as I could and ‘covering’ for me exhausts my partner, making him cranky

The second step to letting go of resentment may be allowing ‘I did the best I could do at the time’ or ‘we are doing the best we can do.’

There are more steps, but the first is most important. 

Are you willing to choose the possibility of love over your resentment, and start owning your contribution to the unfairness in your relationship?

STARTING SEPTEMBER 18!  ➤  ADHD Effect In-Depth LIVE Couples' Seminar - Wednesdays, Sept 18 to Nov 20, 2024 / 8pm to ~ 9:40pm EASTERN time  No matter where you are in the world, you can take this seminar - Get the hope, information and the tools you need to move towards a HAPPIER, HEALTHIER & THRIVING RELATIONSHIP. 

"This course gave my husband and me the breakthrough we so desperately needed."

"Thank you again for such a life-changing seminar. It was the best and most effective money and time we ever spent."

"Your class has brought a bright ray of hope to our marriage."

"We are in the best place we have ever been as a couple - and without your course we would never have managed that - in fact, without your course we wouldn't have managed to stay together...."

➤ THREE OCTOBER START DATES OPEN - Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups - 10 participants, two topics per day, 7 weeks long.  Recorded for confidential use. Join a community of people exploring similar issues. 

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. THE NEXT LIVE SEMINAR STARTS SEPTEMBER 18, 2024. The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (THREE OCTOBER START DATES OPEN) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (FULL) - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert.  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  REGISTRATION IS OPEN.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

Sensory approaches to common life issues can really help partners with ADHD.  Here are a few examples:

• Walking and talking with their partner in the woods, rather than sitting in the house
• Playing music while working or doing chores
• Sitting on an exercise ball instead of an office chair
• Thinking through a problem in the shower
• Using a fidget toy or shuffling cards while working so as not to lose focus
• Walking around while listening to my couples’ seminar

I encourage non-ADHD partners who find sensory approaches unfamiliar to encourage them, none-the-less.  Next time your partner wants to pace the room while talking with you, encourage it. It’s not a sign of disrespect but, rather, an indication that your partner is doing their best to stay engaged.

REGISTRATION OPEN!

➤  ADHD Effect In-Depth LIVE Couples' Seminar - provides hope, information and the tools you need to move towards a HAPPIER, HEALTHIER & THRIVING RELATIONSHIP. It begins September 18, 2024.

➤  The Foundations in Habit Development (FHD) Group Coaching is a special series for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar with Melissa. It is designed to help solidify the changes you have started to make and want to firm up.  This group starts September 11, 2024, consists of eight 75 minute sessions and is limited to only 10 individuals. 

➤  Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups - Limited to 10 participants.  Two topics per day.  Recorded for confidential use. Join a community of people exploring similar issues. Note: two of the eleven groups is now full. Some of the groups start in September, and others start in October. They are 7 weeks long, and there are are morning, afternoon, and evening options still available. Each week is a different topic (selected by the group) so you can explore topics more in-depth in a group with others who can relate to, and understand, the experiences you are facing.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar starts September 18, 2024. The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (Registration open) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (Registration open) - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert.  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We will open our inquiry portal on August 21, 2024 to start pairing individuals and couples with professionals for work that starts in September, 2024.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

When my children were young, we had two sayings we used to tell them our expectations.  One was “You don’t have to succeed, but you do have to try.”  We wanted our kids to learn to engage with the world around them and try, much more than we wanted them to chase goals.  Sure, we applauded successes…but we emphasized effort.

It turns out that research suggests this is a great strategy for building a foundation of well-being.

It’s a relevant concept in ADHD-impacted relationships, too.  You can only give the best effort you can give and (I hope) that will be enough.

What might best look like?

• Managing ADHD symptoms using all three legs of treatment (and sticking with it)
• NOT trying to get a specific response from your partner (a certain way of saying things, for example)
• Acknowledging and celebrating effort
• Learning how to give and accept bids for repair when things fall short
• Staying calm so the two of you can engage constructively

Stosny is giving a big shout out here to bringing the best you to your life that you can by engaging fully, and making your best effort.

P.S.  The other saying we used with our kids was ‘Tantrums don’t work.  Come find me when you are ready to talk.’  Combined, both sayings set a basic framework for constructive interactions and doing one’s best.

REGISTRATION OPEN!

➤  ADHD Effect In-Depth LIVE Couples' Seminar - provides hope, information and the tools you need to move towards a HAPPIER, HEALTHIER & THRIVING RELATIONSHIP. It begins September 18, 2024.

➤  The Foundations in Habit Development (FHD) Group Coaching is a special series for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar with Melissa. It is designed to help solidify the changes you have started to make and want to firm up.  This group starts September 11, 2024, consists of eight 75 minute sessions and is limited to only 10 individuals. 

➤  Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups - Limited to 10 participants.  Two topics per day.  Recorded for confidential use. Join a community of people exploring similar issues. Note: two of the eleven groups is now full.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar starts September 18, 2024. The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (Registration open) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (Registration open) - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert.  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We will open our inquiry portal on August 21, 2024 to start pairing individuals and couples with professionals for work that starts in September, 2024.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

I would love it if someone else (or even a magic fairy!) could make me happy.  But, reality check, only I can do that for myself.  Yes, someone can love me, cherish me, support me and be fun to be with.  All of those things will create an environment in which I am much more likely to be happy.  But that is not the same thing as that other person making me happy.

For, all of those things might be in place and I might still feel depressed, or sad that I missed out on something else, or hyperfocused on something other than that wonderful, supportive environment – perhaps not even noticing the support I’m given.

Happiness comes from within yourself.  From loving and respecting yourself…and knowing your own sense of purpose.

If you are unhappy, I encourage you to take a hard look.  Are you waiting for someone else to change things for you?

REGISTRATION OPEN!

➤  ADHD Effect In-Depth LIVE Couples' Seminar - provides hope, information and the tools you need to move towards a HAPPIER, HEALTHIER & THRIVING RELATIONSHIP. It begins September 18, 2024.

➤  The Foundations in Habit Development (FHD) Group Coaching is a special series for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar with Melissa. It is designed to help solidify the changes you have started to make and want to firm up.  This group starts September 11, 2024, consists of eight 75 minute sessions and is limited to only 10 individuals. 

➤  Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups - Limited to 10 participants.  Two topics per day.  Recorded for confidential use. Join a community of people exploring similar issues. Note: One of the eleven groups is now full.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar starts September 18, 2024. The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (Registration open) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (Registration open) - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert.  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We will open our inquiry portal on August 21, 2024 to start pairing individuals and couples with professionals for work that starts in September, 2024.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 Humans are, I think, inherently tribal.  ‘Same tribe’ feels comfortable and easy.  And yet, there are so many times when diversity of thought and approach are superior:

• Parents with different approaches (often based in gender) nurture children who are more flexible thinkers
• Brainstorming a business problem allows the benefit of a wider range of ideas and approaches
• Hunters and gatherers allow a broader array of nutritional options than just one or the other
• ‘Mixed’ ADHD and non-ADHD couples who are not struggling can benefit from a wonderful mix of energy, creativity and directed purpose

What might happen in your relationship if, rather than bemoan your different ways of being, you celebrated how you fill each other’s gaps?  And…thinking generously and lovingly…how DO you complement each other?

REGISTRATION OPENS JULY 16, 2024

The Foundations in Habit Development (FHD) Group Coaching is a special series for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar with Melissa Orlov. It is designed to help solidify the changes you have started to make and want to firm up.  This group starts September 11, 2024, consists of eight 75 minute sessions and is limited to only 10 individuals. LEARN MORE.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (Registration opens July 16, 2024 and the group starts September 11, 2024) - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert.  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We will open our inquiry portal on August 21, 2024 to start pairing individuals and couples with professionals for work that starts in September, 2024.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

Like many with ADHD, Joseph Semah was used to saying ‘yes’ when his wife asked him to do something, even if he was pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to complete it.  But, happily for them both, he changed that habit to one in which he steps back for a moment, assesses the request being made, and answers as honestly as he can about whether or not he can say ‘yes.’

The transition to more honest ‘nos’ can be difficult, but Joseph recommends that you ‘take the plunge.’  In the short-term your partner may not be happy with your no.  But in the long term your honesty supports a far more important aspect of your relationship – mutual trust.

Do you say ‘yes’ more often than you should?

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert.  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We will re-open our inquiry portal to match clients with consultants on August 15.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

There are really big things you do for each other that mean a lot, of course.  And yet, it is your daily interactions that create the true fabric of your lives together.  Some of the small things you do demonstrate your intent towards each other:

• Setting up daily appreciation rituals as a commitment to strengthening your bonds
• Going to a financial planner to finally put that savings plan in place for a well-enough funded retirement

Others demonstrate your respect:

• Waiting for your partner to complete a sentence with which he is struggling, rather than jumping in to finish it for him
• Telling others how proud you are of your partner
• Thanking your partner for effort they have made on your behalf

And others show how much you care:

• Responding positively to a difficult request simply because it came from your partner
• Pulling your partner close in joy or sorrow
• Telling them you love them

These are just a few of the small things that support a big love.

What small things are you doing in your relationship to show your love?

In The News:

ADHD in Parents — Fostering a Supportive Family Environment - Melissa shares profound insights into the unique challenges faced by parents who are dealing with ADHD symptoms, as well as the impact it can have on partnerships and family dynamics.

ADHD: Unintended Consequences of the Divorce Word - ADHD relationships and the unintended consequences of what takes place the first time the word divorce is brought up. 

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert.  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We will re-open our inquiry portal to match clients with consultants on August 15.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

Words spoken, and actions taken, can never be unspoken or undone.  When those words are negative, they leave a heaviness that must be unburdened.

One of the things that I and others in my field do is help people allow the heavy energy that they are carrying around flow through their bodies and out.  To learn that actions are often not personal but symptomatic; that words spoken by someone who is flooded are about self-defense more than actual belief; that resentment is a burden that interferes with healing.

We can heal from memories and our past as long as the hurts don’t continue, repetitively, in our lives creating new injury.  This is the power of learning how to manage ADHD symptoms and responses to the symptoms – moving away from entrenched patterns towards a future in which your memories no longer carry ‘heavy energy’. 

IN THE MEDIA:

My interview, “ADHD: Unintended Consequences of the Divorce Word,” airs June 14 at 4:00 pm ET on Attention Talk Radio. We discuss ADHD relationships and the unintended consequences of what takes place the first time the word divorce is brought up. 

8 Questions to Ask Before Giving Up on Your Marriage - Psychology Today

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

I have been giving a lot of thought lately to self-compassion. When I came across this poem it made my heart warm.  I love the image of past selves supporting showing kindness to our current self…as well as the very positive idea of personal growth this poem suggests.  

In all of us there can be many wise, supportive and caring past selves urging us on.  And a hope that who you are today will support who you become in the future.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.