Weekly Marriage Tips

ADHD & Marriage News - July 30, 2025

Quote of the Week

“(My husband) has a simple moral code.  He tells the truth and does the right thing.”

- My Aunt 

Doing the Right Thing

Relationship expert John Gottman's research suggests a simple equation – ‘transparency’ plus what he calls ‘positive moral certainty’.  

Transparency is about being honest (transparent) as well as following through on what you promise.  

Positive moral certainty is knowing that your partner is ethical and will treat you with respect and kindness.

In my couples’ seminar I talk about rebuilding trust in your relationship, as well as the way that this trust equation must be modified to accommodate ADHD.  Because it is impossible that a person with ADHD who sometimes doesn’t follow through on promises due to the presence of ADHD symptoms is inherently and always untrustworthy!  Yet, the inconsistency that ADHD symptoms adds must be accommodated in some way that is reassuring to both parties for trust to remain intact (or be rebuilt).

The ‘secret sauce’ is to add the ideas of owning ADHD symptoms and symptomatic behaviors, and being transparent about issues as they come up.  That might mean: 

• putting a backup system in place to call a partner if you’re running late.
• Owning that you didn’t complete a project and taking responsibility for creating (and executing) a plan to get it done now.
• Taking responsibility to learn the skills…or admitting that the project must be done a different way – perhaps hiring it out, or exchanging tasks with a partner.

Doing the ‘right thing,’ as my Aunt would say, means taking responsibility…even if one is not always consistent…and making sure you are always honest as you do so.

HIGHLIGHT: 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - Summer doesn't mean slowing down -- Checkout out our i2a program calendar. 

Seminars, Groups:

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - (Ongoing)  - This fall: explore how money, meaning, and emotion intertwine in ADHD-impacted relationships with Christine Hargrove, dive deeper into mindfulness for both partners, and join Ari Tuckman himself for a live book club on his book The ADHD Productivity Manual! As always, you'll also have access to expert office hours, and a truly supportive community that shows up for each other. Watch our on-demand information webinar here.

Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - ➤ REGISTER NOW  Starts Sept 24th. Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. *Add your name to be notified about future live seminars.

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing)  Move at your own pace. Includes materials & recordings from the Fall '24 live seminar
*NEW Add-on: 3 months of Office Hours to support your learning! 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - ➤ REGISTER NOW . Starts Sept 9 - Nine groups to choose from.  Join a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make. *Add your name to be notified about future ADHD coaching groups.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Ongoing).  Work with an ADHD expert who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full). Seven sessions. 5 couples only will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

 Free Resources:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
• Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• A large number of blog posts on various topics;
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
• Chore Score Worksheet;
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD
• The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.

Is there hope?  This video may help you answer that question. 

• Our Team
• New Here? Is ADHDMarriage right for you?
• en Español

Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."

ADHD & Marriage News - July 24, 2025

Quote of the Week

“Deep connection is not based on shared preferences of what you like and enjoy. Rather, it’s based on shared values. Common interests often attract people, but common values sustain relationship."

     - Steven Stosny

Connection

‘Finding common ground’ is a tried and true strategy to start negotiating your differences.  Identifying the common ground of your shared values and aligning your relationship with those values is THE strategy for nurturing a relationship.

Sometimes, when working with individuals or couples to help them get back to feeling more like themselves I ask this question, ‘Who were you when you liked yourself the most?’  This question tends to point to a time when you/they were living in a way most closely aligned with their values.

• Who were you when you liked yourself the most?
• What were your qualities?
• How did you behave?
• When comparing that to today, what can you learn?

HIGHLIGHT: 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - Ongoing support for couples dealing with ADHD, from trusted professionals. 

Summer doesn't mean slowing down -- Checkout out our i2a program calendar  (TIMES IN EASTERN TIME)

Join i2a anytime. Watch our on-demand information webinar here.

Seminars, Groups:

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - (Ongoing)  - This fall: explore how money, meaning, and emotion intertwine in ADHD-impacted relationships with Christine Hargrove, dive deeper into mindfulness for both partners, and join Ari Tuckman himself for a live book club on his book The ADHD Productivity Manual! As always, you'll also have access to expert office hours, and a truly supportive community that shows up for each other.

Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - ➤ REGISTER NOW  Starts Sept 24th. Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. *If you wish to be notified about future live seminars, please add your name to the seminar notification list.

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing)  Move at your own pace. Includes materials & recordings from the Fall '24 live seminar
*NEW Add-on: 3 months of Office Hours to support your learning! 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - ➤ REGISTER NOW . Starts Sept 9 - Nine groups to choose from.  Join a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make. *If you wish to be notified about future ADHD coaching groups, please contact us.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Ongoing).  Work with an ADHD expert who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full). Seven sessions. 5 couples only will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

 Free Resources:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
• Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• A large number of blog posts on various topics;
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
• Chore Score Worksheet;
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD
• The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.

Is there hope?  This video may help you answer that question. 

• Our Team
• New Here? Is ADHDMarriage right for you?
• en Español

Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."

ADHD & Marriage News - July 16, 2025

Quote of the Week

“We overestimate our own changes, and under-estimate our partner’s."

     - Dr. Christine Hargrove

Ch..ch…ch…ch…Changes…

I laughed at the simplicity of this statement when I heard it but, of course, it’s so true! 

If you are feeling that the changes you have been making have been unappreciated, try these two things:

• Set up a time to tell each other what you are proud of (“I’m proud that I spent an hour doing taxes today,” or “I’m proud of doing the research to find a tracking app I like today…next step is to put it in place.” Or, “I’m proud that I didn’t remind you today about the laundry”). By calling out what you like about what you are doing you create an opportunity to be seen and appreciated.
• Measure your improvements or changes in terms of actions completed vs. intent.  How do you measure – specifically – your progress?  Having a sense of ‘doing better’ isn’t specific enough to convince others.

View it as a positive if/when your partner tells you what they are proud of.  Don’t take the opportunity to throw water on their fire (ex:  “yes, you did the taxes but you said you were going to do them last week…so you’re late.”)  If, over time, you find that there is a pattern with which you are disappointed, you can have a larger conversation about that pattern.  (“I know you feel you are doing a lot better on not parenting me, but I would like to talk about this further…”)

At the same time, be aware of the truth in Dr. Hargrove’s statement.  We may over-estimate our own changes because we understand the effort that went into them and the emotional changes we feel inside about that specific project or change.  But…humility is useful here.  Change is measured on the specifics, not on emotions alone.

HIGHLIGHT: 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - Ongoing support for couples dealing with ADHD, from trusted professionals. We've got an amazing set of July workshops:

Join i2a anytime for live expert support and a wonderful community!

Seminars, Groups:

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open)  - Summer doesn't mean slowing down in i2a -- we know your relationship dynamics are a part of your everyday life, so we continue to offer expert support and peers for community to keep you gently accountable to each other. 

Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (Begins Fall 2025). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Registration for Fall 2025 groups will open Tuesday, July 22nd at 12pm Eastern Time). Join a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing).  Work with an ADHD expert who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Fall 2025 information is now available. Registration will open on Tuesday, July 22nd at 12pm Eastern Time). Seven sessions. 5 couples only will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

 Free Resources:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
• Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• A large number of blog posts on various topics;
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
• Chore Score Worksheet;
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD
• The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.

Is there hope?  This video may help you answer that question. 

• Our Team
• New Here? Is ADHDMarriage right for you?
• en Español

Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."

ADHD & Marriage News - July 9, 2025

Quote of the Week

“Instead of scheduling sex, it may make more sense to look for windows of opportunity."

     - Ari Tuckman, PhD

To Schedule or Not To Schedule…That is the Question

Is your desire to connect sexually with your partner thwarted by distraction and being so much in the ‘now’ that the two of you just never seem to get together?  Does the normal antidote to this (scheduling time) bring dread to your heart?

Tuckman, an expert in sex and ADHD, has a constructive suggestion – think about time ‘windows’ when it would make sense to spend sexual time together.  To find a good window, you could look at your biological clocks – are you more energetic at a certain time of day?  Too tired after work?  Are there times of day when kids may get in the way?  Do you need a sitter for an afternoon?

Also think about frequency.  You may be more open to a sexual experience if you are both broadly satisfied with how often you get together.

But beware – if you broaden your sex window to a couple of days, don’t fall into the trap of expecting the more organized partner to play the role of ‘reminder’ or ‘initiator’, for that can encourage resentment.  Look for opportunities for sex in your described window, and make sure you have a specific plan for who initiates. Include always putting a reminder for the ADHD partner sometime in that window, and a plan for what happens if you near the end of the window and still haven’t taken off at least some of your clothes.

This window approach can allow for a more natural coming together while providing guardrails for making sure you don’t become ships passing in the night.

HIGHLIGHT: 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - Ongoing support for couples dealing with ADHD, from trusted professionals. We've got an amazing set of July workshops:

• 7/9  8:30p EST Tools to help you Focus on Progress and Let Go of Perfection  
• 7/15  7:30p EST Lessening defensiveness for ADHD partners: IFS parts work
• 7/16  7:30p EST What ADHD Coaches wish Non ADHD Partners Knew Recap of Part 1
• 7/30  8p EST Relationship Essentials: Open a Can of B.E.A.N.S – skills for everyone

Join us anytime for live expert support and a wonderful community!

Seminars, Groups:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open)  - Summer doesn't mean slowing down in i2a -- we know your relationship dynamics are a part of your everyday life, so we continue to offer expert support and peers for community to keep you gently accountable to each other. 

Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (Begins Fall 2025). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. Seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

 Free Resources:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
• Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• A large number of blog posts on various topics;
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
• Chore Score Worksheet;
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD
• The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.

Is there hope?  This video may help you answer that question. 

• Our Team
• New Here? Is ADHDMarriage right for you?
• en Español

Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."

ADHD & Marriage News - July 2, 2025

Quote of the Week

“We all know grandiose narcissists—people who revere themselves as the center of the universe. Vulnerable narcissists are the more common figures in our day—people who are also addicted to thinking about themselves, but who often feel anxious, insecure, avoidant. Intensely sensitive to rejection, they scan for hints of disrespect. Their self-esteem is wildly in flux. Their uncertainty about their inner worth triggers cycles of distrust, shame, and hostility."

     - David Brooks

Narcissism?

Being sensitive to resentment or having RSD does NOT mean that you or your partner is a narcissist. So please don’t ‘diagnose’ or label yourself or your partner based upon Brooks’ words. 

But his quote did get me thinking about the line between dealing with ADHD issues and narcissism.  One core part of ADHD, for example, is ‘big emotions,’ including shame, fear and very fast responses to perceived critiques.  And many adults with ADHD retreat from those around them either because they are overwhelmed, or because they feel that they will ‘never be good enough, so why keep trying?’ 

Where I think these elements vary from outright narcissism is in terms of engagement and intent.  The narcissist is almost exclusively ‘me’ focused with a drive to be recognized, while an ADHD partner without narcissism wants to engage with another; longs to love and be loved for the sake of the partnership (rather than self-aggrandizement) but may struggle to do so when shame or symptoms get in the way.

Are you wondering if your partner might be a narcissist?  And if so, might this help you think through the question?

HIGHLIGHT: 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - Ongoing support for couples dealing with ADHD, from trusted professionals. We've got an amazing set of July workshops:

• 7/9 8:30p EST Tools to help you Focus on Progress and Let Go of Perfection  
• 7/15 7:30p EST Lessening defensiveness for ADHD partners: IFS parts work
• 7/16 7:30p EST What ADHD Coaches wish Non ADHD Partners Knew Recap of Part 1
• 7/30 8p EST Relationship Essentials: Open a Can of B.E.A.N.S – skills for everyone

Join us anytime for live expert support and a wonderful community!

Seminars, Groups:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open)  - Summer doesn't mean slowing down in i2a -- we know your relationship dynamics are a part of your everyday life, so we continue to offer expert support and peers for community to keep you gently accountable to each other. 

Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (Begins Fall 2025). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. Seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

 Free Resources:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
• Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• A large number of blog posts on various topics;
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
• Chore Score Worksheet;
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD
• The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.

Is there hope?  This video may help you answer that question. 

• Our Team
• New Here? Is ADHDMarriage right for you?
• en Español

Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."

ADHD & Marriage News - June 25, 2025

Quote of the Week

“Once the earthquake is settled

accommodate the anger

let it move in, fix it dinner

then put it to bed"

     - First stanza by poet and author, Kwame Alexander from Why Fathers Cry at Night

Instructions for Leaving

There are so many things I admire about Alexander’s description of the aftermath of deciding to leave a relationship…but what I want to focus on here is not the earthquake that heaves everything up in such uncomfortable ways, but his relationship with his anger.

Accommodate the anger, he suggests.  It is there for a reason, and is an indicator that something needs to be addressed.  Don’t insist it leave right away – rather, get to know it.  Have a conversation, and be compassionate towards it (and yourself). Learn what it is trying to tell you.

And I think that putting it to bed is both about lessening your engagement with it when it’s time, but also an acknowledgement that it may awake or rise again…in which case you get to know it again.

Are you compassionate about any feelings of anger you hold, and asking it questions to see what you can learn?

HIGHLIGHT: 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - Ongoing support for couples dealing with ADHD, from professionals you can trust. We've got an amazing set of workshops in July in i2a -- here's your sneak peek!

• 7/9 8:30p EST Tools to help you Focus on Progress and Let Go of Perfection  
• 7/15 7:30p EST Lessening defensiveness for ADHD partners: IFS parts work
• 7/16 7:30p EST What ADHD Coaches wish Non ADHD Partners Knew Recap of Part 1
• 7/30 8p EST Relationship Essentials: Open a Can of B.E.A.N.S – skills for everyone

Join us anytime for live expert support and a wonderful community!

Seminars, Groups:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open)  - Summer doesn't mean slowing down in i2a -- we know your relationship dynamics are a part of your everyday life, so we continue to offer expert support and peers for community to keep you gently accountable to each other. 

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next live seminar will begin Fall 2025). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. Seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

 Free Resources:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
• Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• A large number of blog posts on various topics;
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
• Chore Score Worksheet;
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD
• The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.

Is there hope?  This video may help you answer that question. 

• Our Team
• New Here? Is ADHDMarriage right for you?
• en Español

Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."

ADHD & Marriage News - June 20, 2025

Quote of the Week

“Once we are okay with who we are inside then we can put a system in place.  We have to address shame."

     - 2024 CHADD keynote speaker, Dr. Kojo Sarfo

Your Internal Emotional World 

Kojo Sarfo is an internet influencer (among other things) and man with experience managing ADHD.  He urges those with ADHD to address their internal emotional world so that they can deal more effectively with their daily lives. 

As I’ve observed over the years, there are a number of effective ways to address one’s inner emotions.  For example, anger over rejections (RSD in its more extreme form) can be address with medication and, to a lesser degree, with behavioral therapy. As I’ve observed with clients, Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) are two particularly effective ways to address trauma and shame.  Research also suggests that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and coaching can help with taming self-criticism around task completion and fear of failure.

But this work isn’t for an end of emotional control.  As Dr. Sarfo noted later in his talk, “If you have ADHD it is going to be hard to be successful without a system.”  Once you tame the emotions that interfere with how you get on in your life, you then have more freedom to create a system that unabashedly works for you – whatever that looks like.

Would any of these approaches help you move forward in your life?

Seminars, Groups:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open)  - Summer doesn't mean slowing down in i2a -- we know your relationship dynamics are a part of your everyday life, so we continue to offer expert support and peers for community to keep you gently accountable to each other.  Join us anytime to be a part of our growing and supportive community.

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next live seminar will begin Fall 2025). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. Seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

 Free Resources:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
• Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• A large number of blog posts on various topics;
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
• Chore Score Worksheet;
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD
• The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.

Is there hope?  This video may help you answer that question. 

• Our Team
• New Here? Is ADHDMarriage right for you?
• en Español

Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."

ADHD & Marriage News - June 11, 2025

Quote of the Week

“She taught me the pointlessness of wishing for a different past and the futility of worrying about all of the frightening futures over which I had no control."

     - James Doty, MD from Into the Magic Shop

Past and Future

James Doty, MD is a neurosurgeon who wrote about his lessons in mindfulness from an interested shop owner when he was young.  What I like about this idea (which is the central idea of his book) is the absolute truth in the idea…and how hard it is to take it on.

Some of you may feel regret and sadness about what has happened in the past - perhaps all of the strife between you before you figured out that ADHD was playing a role in your relationship or perhaps that you didn’t know about ADHD sooner.  This regret is to be respected, as are all of our feelings. But if you can internalize the idea that the past is completely and totally unchangeable it can help you move into today…the only day over which we have any real control.

Anxiety about the future is also understandable, and may even be useful in small doses if it inspires you to take action to avert a problem (example – ordering train tickets before they are sold out).  But feelings of general anxiety about the future deserve to be examined so that they can be addressed and put aside.  The anxiety itself doesn’t change anything, only put your body into a stressful ‘alert’ mode.  And moving from a place of ‘fright’ may lead you to make less than optimal choices. Fear motivates…but does not nurture.

It can be terrifying to internalize the idea that the only day you have control over is today, and the only person you have control over is you.  I ask you, though, to consider this idea.  

If you took it to heart – today – would you do anything differently?

Seminars, Groups:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open)  - Summer doesn't mean slowing down in i2a -- we know your relationship dynamics are a part of your everyday life, so we continue to offer expert support and peers for community to keep you gently accountable to each other.  Right now, we are in the midst of a great ongoing workshop series on boundaries and how they can help you shift out of the parent-child dynamic (which is recorded and available for i2a members to watch anytime!). We'll soon be talking about meaningful repair, and ADHD partner defensiveness. Join us anytime to be a part of our growing and supportive community.

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next live seminar will begin Fall 2025). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. Seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

 Free Resources:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
• Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• A large number of blog posts on various topics;
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
• Chore Score Worksheet;
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD
• The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.

Is there hope?  This video may help you answer that question. 

• Our Team
• New Here? Is ADHDMarriage right for you?
• en Español

Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."

ADHD & Marriage News - June 4, 2025

Quote of the Week

“I am sometimes frustrated (when I read your tips) because as the ADHDer, your articles...tend to put the ADHD spouse in one camp and the non-ADHD spouse in another camp.  My spouse who, in my opinion, has many ADHD tendencies (and would be very resistant to getting tested) ... treats the advice in these articles as if he is ok and doesn’t have to work on anything himself, but I have to work on many things."

     - A Reader

Two Camps

I’m always delighted to hear from readers of my weekly tips and get their feedback, and this comment is no different.  And the reader is correct.  As one way of providing clarity I do tend to ‘label’ behaviors for ‘ADHD partners’ and ‘non-ADHD partners.’  And yet, we all bring a complex set of emotions and behaviors to our relationship.

In the overall, what I TRY to communicate is that BOTH partners always have a role to play in improving their relationship.  I exhort individuals to bring their ‘best selves’ to the relationship and make sure that their own behavior is respectful, thoughtful, and caring.  I also try to make sure that both partners understand how to align their actions with their deepest values – what I call setting boundaries for one’s own self (as you cannot set boundaries for others).

It always makes me sad to hear one partner thinks they are okay and their partner isn’t.  Because the truth as I see it is that you are BOTH okay…and you BOTH have work to do to nurture yourself and your relationship.

Please stop blaming your partner, if you are doing so, and ask yourself what you could be doing better for yourself (your boundaries) and your partner (your appreciation and affection).  This sort of honest humility should help you both strengthen your ties.

Seminars, Groups:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open)  -  What’s Included:

• Live Office Hours weekly: Drop in to ask questions and get guidance from top ADHD experts
• Weekly Action Tips: Bite-sized strategies, video coaching, and practical exercises
• Coworking Hours: Silent body doubling sessions to boost productivity and tackle low-dopamine tasks
• Workshops: Learn new tools and clear action steps tailored to ADHD relationships
• Book Club: Fun and informative monthly discussions with ADHD experts and authors
• 24/7 Community Forum: Stay connected, find accountability, and celebrate wins in this expert-led forum only for i2a members
• Unlimited Video Replays: Never miss a session or revisit valuable lessons anytime
• An easy-to-use Master Calendar and Membership area describing what’s going on that day, week or month and program links 

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next live seminar will begin Fall 2025). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. Seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

 Free Resources:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
• Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• A large number of blog posts on various topics;
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
• Chore Score Worksheet;
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD
• The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.

Is there hope?  This video may help you answer that question. 

• Our Team
• New Here? Is ADHDMarriage right for you?
• en Español

Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."

ADHD & Marriage News - May 29, 2025

Quote of the Week

“Notice the positive, not what remains to be done"

     - Dr. Christine Hargrove

Notice the Positive

As humans, we are wired to notice the negative - this is a built-in survival strategy.  For if we were too busy admiring the daisies, we might have been eaten by a tiger.  But this isn’t always helpful in relationship repair.  Hard work and even small successes deserve to be noticed and appreciated.  Furthermore, appreciation goes a long way to keep up one’s spirits and nurture motivation.

One way to ensure that the positives are noticed is to add a ritual of appreciation to your relationship. This can be a very simple five minutes at the end of the day (or at dinner, etc) in which each person finishes a sentence similar to ‘What I appreciated today was…’. The response to that might be a thank you, a smile, a hug…some way to indicate that you heard.

Another easy way to see the positive is to create a ‘done’ list in addition to your ‘to do’ list.  Dr. Hargrove does this in her own life and gets great satisfaction out of recording the positive achievements she has done…even the small ones.

What’s your method for noticing (and remarking upon) the positive?

Seminars, Groups:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open)  - Live expert support, a great community and lots of ADHD management tools, encouragement and accountability to help change your good intentions into new dynamics with your partner.  

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. Seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

 Free Resources:

• Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
• Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
• A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• A large number of blog posts on various topics;
• Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
• Chore Score Worksheet;
• Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD
• The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.

Is there hope?  This video may help you answer that question. 

Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."

• Our Team
• New Here? Is ADHDMarriage right for you?
• en Español