Weekly Marriage Tips

“As Shakespeare’s character Polonius said in the play Hamlet, “This above all: to thine own self be true.” In trying to be like everyone else, I waged an inner battle, and the biggest loser was me.” - Zoe Kessler, author of ADHD According to Zoe: The Real Deal on Relationships, Finding Your Focus, and Finding Your Keys

Zoe Kessler points out an interesting conundrum in the experience of living with ADHD – that others often wish you to be like everyone else (i.e. non-ADHD) but that there is a huge cost to pursuing this path.  Instead, it is much healthier to be true to the best of who you are.  That does NOT mean don’t address ADHD symptoms – often these symptoms get in the way of your really thriving (for example, poor organizational skills might mean you miss out on job opportunities or family events that you might love!)  But Kessler is suggesting that trying to conform (or even become more organized!) has very real limits.  We are all – whether we have ADHD or not – best served when we learn to love ourselves.

 

Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards! ...a Gold award for Best Psychology Book of 2014 from Foreword Reviews and the Silver Benjamin Franklin Award for psychology from the IBPA (Independent Book Publishers Association). To celebrate, I'm offering $5 off the audiobook until August 1st - use coupon code AWARD at checkout.

Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD on ADHDMarriage.com, including:
an online treatment overview;
downloadable chapters of my books;
a community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
a large number of blog posts on various topics;
referrals;
and my very popular couples courses:

   ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship;
   Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) and is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“…people can be independent thinkers and team players at the same time.” - Carol Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

I would like to take this model – of independent thinkers who are also team players – and magically overlay it onto every ADHD / non-ADHD partnership I know!  Because, truly, it is at this intersection that couples truly thrive because they are equal in status in the relationship and both valued.  Unfortunately, the presence of ADHD symptoms – and responses to those symptoms – often results in parent/child dynamics that are just the opposite of independent thinkers who are team players.

If you have been struggling with parent/child dynamics, perhaps setting your sites on Dweck’s more ‘business-like’ goal can provide an easier path away from this destructive dynamic.  What would you need to do in your relationship to be both independent thinkers and team players?

 

Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards! ...a Gold award for Best Psychology Book of 2014 from Foreword Reviews and the Silver Benjamin Franklin Award for psychology from the IBPA (Independent Book Publishers Association). To celebrate, I'm offering $5 off the audiobook until August 1st - use coupon code AWARD at checkout.

Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD on ADHDMarriage.com, including:
an online treatment overview;
downloadable chapters of my books;
a community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
a large number of blog posts on various topics;
referrals;
and my very popular couples courses:

   ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship;
   Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) and is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“…all at once it occurred to me that I’d left no room in my life for simple delight.  I scheduled, penciled in, or planned everything…” - Sue Fliess

One of the most common ‘mistakes’ that couples make when trying to turn around their relationship is focusing only on the negative – the things that need to be ‘fixed’ in order for them to feel better.  Typically, this focus is expressed in terms of criticism and ‘can we talk?’ emotional conversations.

But to thrive, you need the positive, too – as much of it as you can get!  Don’t just ‘leave time’ for simple delight – MAKE time for it.  It’s critical that you can find ways to delight each other.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship and

Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“This is the tricky thing about breakthroughs.  Many aspects of the experience may feel unpleasant, both before and after your thinking changes…the key to sustaining a new insight (is) eliminating whatever threatens to recloud your vision.” - Martha Beck

I’m a person who really values breakthroughs – both in my own life, and in the experiences of the client couples with whom I work.  But to say that many breakthroughs are ‘uncomfortable’ is probably understating it!  For example, it was not easy for me to accept the breakthrough that some good part of my marital troubles were due to my trying to control my partner’s actions…and that this controlling behavior had to stop completely if we were to thrive.  Facing your own failures is often part of getting to a breakthrough…very ‘uncomfortable’, indeed!

Don’t assume that breakthrough thinking feels good.  Allow that discomfort can be a sign of something good happening, instead, and embrace both the breakthrough and the unpleasant feelings that may accompany it.

 

Don't miss the Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD audiobook discount. To celebrate the 2 book awards! ...a Gold award for Best Psychology Book of 2014 from Foreword Reviews and the Silver Benjamin Franklin Award for psychology from the IBPA (Independent Book Publishers Association), I'm offering $5 off the audiobook until August 1st - use coupon code AWARD at checkout.

Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD on ADHDMarriage.com, including:

An online treatment overview;

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals;

and my very popular couples courses:

   ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship;
   Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) and is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“There’s no diagnosis in medicine that can change a life so dramatically for the better as ADHD.” - Dr. Ned Hallowell

Hallowell likes to call ADHD a ‘good news’ diagnosis, and he couldn’t be more right!  After all, if you have ADHD, you have it whether or not you have the diagnosis…confirming that you do means that you will become privy to a whole world of knowledge about how to manage ADHD symptoms.  And, did you know that 50-90% of adults with ADHD can significantly improve their symptoms with good treatment?  Wow!  That’s really great news, vs. continuing to struggle…

Consider reading my free downloadable chapter on the best treatments for adult ADHD.  There are a wide range of things you can do to manage ADHD – from exercise to mindfulness training to diet changes (for some) to medications and more.  Find out about them in my free downloadable chapter on the latest in ADHD treatment here.  (The chapter is from my newest book, the Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD.)

Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD on ADHDMarriage.com, including:
an online treatment overview;
downloadable chapters of my books;
a community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
a large number of blog posts on various topics;
referrals;
and my very popular couples courses:

   ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship;
   Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) and is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“Ever notice how some of the most eye-opening moments in life occur when the going gets tough?  Rough patches are scary, for sure, but they can also be truly transformative.” - Oprah Winfrey

There is no doubt that I’ve had some pretty tough times in my relationship (and also in my health), and I must say that Winfrey’s statement rings true.  For me, the transformative experience of hitting bottom and being forced to assess my own physical and behavioral limits has led to some of the most significant positive changes in my life.  Has this been painful?  Sure.  Do I value the outcome of facing my own demons and sending my life in new directions?  Yes, most certainly.  For me, what Winfrey implies – that the challenges are worth it – has most clearly been true.

Hard times can force you to reflect deeply about who you are and who you wish to be.  Can you change some tough times into a positive with deep thought and, perhaps, radical action?  (My preference, of course, is for radical action in the way of love and acceptance, though I understand that this is not how some of you will take this idea…)

Here are two resources that will aid in your radical action plan: Online Treatment Guide and The Couples Guide to Thriving.

 

Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards! ...a Gold award for Best Psychology Book of 2014 from Foreword Reviews and the Silver Benjamin Franklin Award for psychology from the IBPA (Independent Book Publishers Association). To celebrate, I'm offering $5 off the audiobook until August 1st - use coupon code AWARD at checkout.

Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD on ADHDMarriage.com, including:
An online treatment overview;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
referrals;
And my very popular couples courses:

   ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship;
   Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) and is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“My mom has always told me, ‘You don’t have to be the best, but you do have to be your best.’  I always try to push myself outside my comfort zone, on and off the court.” - Skylar Diggins, WNBA with the Tulsa Shock

I like this idea – it’s aspirational…but it also has real limits.  Striving to be your best is a learning process – both on the court and in relationships.  We should keep trying to be the best we can be in our relationships, because there is always something more we can learn.  But it is also good to find a zone in which you can say “I’ve come a long way, and I’m happy with who I am and what I contribute.”  That, to me, is a sign that you have found your own, personal best.

 

Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD on ADHDMarriage.com, including:

an online treatment overview;
downloadable chapters of my books;
a community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
a large number of blog posts on various topics;
referrals;
and my very popular couples courses:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship;
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship! ADHDMarriage.com can literally change your life!

“I’m discovering that life isn’t something I’m supposed to master, but an adventure I’m meant to experience.  I’m worrying less about what I should be doing and becoming more aware of what I am doing.” - Sue Fliess

There is a great deal of wisdom in this quote, particularly for couples impacted by ADHD.  Because the reality is, your lives are filled with the very real struggle between “what one is supposed to master” and “the adventure of living life.”

Because of a major illness, I recently made this important psychological shift to being more ‘mindful’ of the adventures to be found in everyday life and much less bound by what I (or my partner) ‘ought’ to be mastering.  The result has been a stunning shift in positive feelings about my everyday life.

I encourage you all to consider Fliess’ wisdom and try applying it to your own lives.  

P.S.  Mindfulness training can be a wonderful tool for both ADHD and non-ADHD partners to learn how to become more aware of what you are doing.  (Ironically, that suggestion smacks of focusing on mastery…but you do have to start somewhere!)

 

Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD on ADHDMarriage.com, including:

• an online treatment overview;
• downloadable chapters of my books;
• a community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• a large number of blog posts on various topics;
• referrals;
• and my very popular couples courses:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship;
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship! ADHDMarriage.com can literally change your life!

“…life was passing me by because I was obsessing about what I couldn’t do instead of rocking the things I could.” - Beth Levine

Thank goodness…we are all different!  And when you have an ADHD partner and a non-ADHD partner you are really, really different!  That means you are best served if you throw out conventional wisdom about who does what in both your home and your relationship.  In addition, when ADHD is on the scene it’s too easy to focus on what each partner struggles with (organization, time management, nagging, parenting…you get the idea!)

Time to step back and ask yourself whether you couldn’t be better served to take a fresh look at what each of you does well, focus on those things, and find ways to either eliminate, delegate or diminish the importance of things one or both of you don’t do so well.

Truly – this is a clear path to greater happiness.

 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship! ADHDMarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship; and Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.

To keep your marriage brimming, 
With love in the loving cup, 
Whenever you're wrong, admit it; 
Whenever you're right, shut up. 
-Ogden Nash, poet (1902-1971) 

Do you know the art of a good apology?  Among other things, it’s saying you’re sorry without adding a “but” or “because” clause that actually throws blame on your partner.  And how about shutting up, as Nash suggests, when you’re right?  I love Nash’s pithy poems – not only because many of them are funny, but because they are often spot on.

The Panther
The panther is like a leopard,
Except it hasn't been peppered.
Should you behold a panther crouch,
Prepare to say Ouch.
Better yet, if called by a panther,
Don't anther.

The kids and I used to crack up every time we read this.

 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship! 

 

ADHDMarriage.com resources can literally change your life!

 

Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses, given by phone, so anyone may participate:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship; and

Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - a new seminar designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.

 

If you wish to be notified when the Fall 2015 course dates are set, please send me a note using this contact form.