Weekly Marriage Tips

“Bad emotions, bad parents, and bad feedback have more impact than good ones, and bad information is processed more thoroughly than good.  The self is more motivated to avoid bad self-definitions than to pursue good ones.  Bad impressions and bad stereotypes are quicker to form and more resistant to disconfirmation than good ones.”
-from a paper, ‘Bad is Stronger than Good,’ as cited by Nobel Prize winner (economics), Daniel Kahneman, in Thinking Fast and Slow

Sadly, this idea rings very true.  Think about how long bad feelings last and how hard they are to shake.  Now, think about how quickly great feelings dissipate and how fragile they are when confronted by something negative.

But I refuse to let my life be dominated by the fact that, for reasons of biological survival that are no longer really relevant for me, the negative dominates.  Instead, I seek to do the hard work to dispel bad feelings, and replace them with good ones at every opportunity.  Mindfulness really helps with this – consciously looking for and celebrating the small (and large) positive things in my life.  Slowing down the tempo of my life helps, too.  When I’m not stressed by being hurried, I’m much more likely to remain in a positive state of mind (the same is true of my husband, despite his love of stimulation…!  It’s a real fight for him to slow down, but he always benefits when he does.)  Less bad stuff happens to you when you take your time to savor things a bit.

Writing is also helpful when I try to shake the negative.  I can explore the bad things that have happened and, in so doing, make it less powerful. When I write, I am able to seek out ‘good self-definitions’ by exploring what makes life positive.  (Now you know one of the reasons I enjoy writing these tips – it’s therapeutic!)

Can you think of some tactics you might use to fight the power of the negative?

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You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

"Beauty is in the mirror you look at everyday.  Enjoy your being. ”Every day mirrors the act of creation.  Each morning you have to get up and create all over again.  The building is never done.”
--Fortune cookie

I’ve had a lot of crazy fortunes in cookies over the years…loved this one, though.  Because, like most women, I don’t look in the mirror and immediately think about how beautiful I am, either physically or psychologically.  This fortune reminds me to think about both.

Because the reality is we are – ALL of us – beautiful in some way.  Our challenge is simply to recognize that beauty…and then celebrate it.

In what way are you beautiful?  And your partner?

Announcing: The ADHD & Marriage Facebook Page. Please LIKE it! Tips, advice and strategies will now come to you more frequently.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts in October - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“While we are not trying to control our thoughts – we are cultivating an important insight:  thoughts are not the world – thoughts are just thoughts.”
-From a mindfulness training seminar

I don’t know about you, but I spend a lot of time thinking about what might happen in the future, or chewing over what did happen, trying to figure out how I feel about a past event.  But here’s the rub.  Just because I think something, that does not mean it’s real… or right.  And neither are your own thoughts.  Don’t believe me?  Think about your partner.  Is there something your partner thinks or feels (perhaps about you) that you think is completely inaccurate?  Does the fact that he or she believes it make it real?

Thought not!

So here’s what that means.  You shouldn’t believe everything you think.  Because you might be just as off base as your partner is.  Thoughts are just that…thoughts.  Not the world.

That said, we all have a right to our own logic flow, thoughts and feelings.  Respecting them is important…just don’t equate thoughts with reality.  Sometimes it’s best to just accept the thought and move on.

Starting Monday - The next live ADHD Effects In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts April 4th!

"Your course is superb; it is so redolent of experience and wisdom, grounded in solid scientific concepts and all delivered with such warmth and clarity…Many thanks and much respect to you."

I get many comments like this one (see more at the bottom of my seminar page). Not every couple succeeds in my course...but a huge number do...often surprising themselves in the process.  Please consider registering for the upcoming session that starts this coming Monday, April 4th at 8:30pm eastern time.  If you have any questions, please feel free to email me.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts April 4, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“We cannot change the direction of the wind, but we can sure change the direction of our sails.”
-Reader, Michelle Lorusse, in Oprah Magazine

‘Don’t try harder, try differently.’  This is what I tell couples struggling with ADHD.  In order to move forward, you need to do things in a new way – one that is known to work for adults with ADHD and their partners.  Or, if you wish, change the direction of your sails.  Otherwise, you are just trying to head into the wind rather than harness it to power you forward.

This ‘trying differently’ is all about doing things better…even if it seems as if you aren’t going at things quite as directly.  But that’s okay…with the speed that your new sail direction provides, you’ll get to your goal sooner than if you simply continue to head directly into the wind.

The next live ADHD Effects In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts April 4th! "This course helped my husband and me tremendously. For the first time we didn't feel that either one of us was to blame. That allowed us to finally let go of some anger and start working on getting better. Without this first step I don't think improvement would be possible."

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts April 4, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“The groups ranged from support groups for patients recovering from heart surgery in Norway to students in secondary schools in Australia.  As we reported earlier this year, the common finding across all studies was that the more someone identified with a group, the less severe his or her depression symptoms were.  Thus, a sense of connection to a group, rather than just contact with individuals, is what protects mental health.”
-Tegan Cruwys, S. Alexander Haslam, and Genevieve Dingle in Scientific American Mind

People who are depressed often seem to hide themselves away and disconnect from others.  This study (and others) suggests that identifying with a group and making connections is critical to mental health.  ‘Connection’ is what Ned Hallowell calls ‘the other Vitamin C’ and for good reason!

In line with Dr. Hallowell’s idea, this research also suggested that simply ‘attending’ a group did not significantly lower depression.  It was the feelings of connection with the group that made the difference.

So if you are currently depressed, think about what group you might be able to join and become invested in…and things may well start looking up.

The next live ADHD Effects In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts April 4th!   "Just a note to say we're still thriving several months after your class!  :-)"

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts April 4, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“Would you keep hanging out with somebody who just criticizes you and grunts when he runs into you on the way to the bathroom?  No way.  You’re looking for a person who wants to laugh, talk about interesting things, share stories, and grow…if you want to have a good friend, you have to be a good friend.”
-Dr. Phil

Here’s a common theme in couples counseling:

Partner 1:  I want my partner to be nice to me, but it’s okay if I express my frustration by raising my voice and getting upset.

Partner 2:  Until my partner is nice to me I have every right to fight back…

Hold on!

We are all responsible for ‘contributing our best selves’ to our relationship.  That means being respectful, thoughtful, loving and the like – being whomever you are when you are at your best.  And an interesting thing starts to happen when we succeed – our partner is more likely to wish to be with us.  It’s so much better to be with someone who ‘wants to laugh, talk about interesting things, share stories and grow…” as Dr. Phil suggests.

I am NOT suggesting you ‘fake it.’  One of the harder times in my own relationship came when I decided to be ‘really, really nice’ to my partner to see what would happen.  His life got much better (I was no longer after him) but mine didn’t change at all (he still ignored me).  By the end of the experiment I was even madder than before!

So this is joint work that both of you do.  To get a friend…be a friend.  What could you do that would make you friendlier?

The next live ADHD Effects In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts April 4th! "Thank you for such a life-changing seminar. It was the best and most effective money and time we ever spent."

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts April 4, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“Fun isn’t an activity; it’s the result of our willingness to be open.  Fun is about spontaneity.  It finds us when it wants to, and our job is to be ready.”
-Thelma Adams

Ever felt too cranky to have fun?  That’s being ‘closed’ rather than open, and we’ve all been there!

It turns out that research suggests that one of the reasons optimists get more opportunities in life isn’t because more opportunities come their way, but rather that when they do, optimists are ‘open’ to considering them.

The same thing happens with fun.  Fun, exciting, new and interesting things happen all the time if we are just open to trying them and willing to do something different.

I find that one way to be more open is to try to keep myself in a positive mindset, even when things are difficult.  I do this with gratitude exercises and taking time to look around me, both figuratively and literally.  I make a concerted effort to say ‘yes’ when something new and interesting comes my way, just to try it out.  Lots of times it turns out to be fun (or interesting, at least!) and sometimes it’s a total flop…at which point I try to laugh and figure I’ve learned something I didn’t know before.

How might you be able to be more open to fun and what’s already around you?

The next live ADHD Effects In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts April 4th!  "Your class had life-changing effects on our marriage. Thank you!"

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts April 4, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“The longest relationship we have with anyone is with ourselves, and yet that relationship is often the first one we let slide.  Maintaining it brings such comfort, though:  Liking your company means that you always have at your beck and call a person who gets you.” - Robin Romm

I remember a time when my husband and I both said to each other “I don’t like you very much…and, actually, I don’t like me very much, either.”  The former comes from repetitive relationship problems with your significant other…but the latter – disliking yourself – comes from forgetting about the relationship you have with your (significant) self.  This isn’t about gender.  Neither my husband nor I was thriving.  This is about thinking so much about the SO that you simply forget about yourself.  “I can wait,” you think, and suddenly you are depressed and lonely and have lost touch with the ‘you’ you used to be.

This is not only a very real loss, it’s a terrible place to be!

I urge each of you, if you are not actively taking care of yourself, to start seeking ways to do so.  One of the most important things you can do is make sure you are in touch with your own values and boundaries.  (If you want more information on this, see The ADHD Effect on Marriage.)

The next live ADHD Effects In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts April 4th! "Thank you for such a life-changing seminar. It was the best and most effective money and time we ever spent."

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins April 4th - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“In considering what Tess was not, he overlooked what she was…” - Thomas Hardy

I admit it.  ‘Tess’ was definitely NOT one of my favorite books!  But this quote was way too relevant to forgo!  Because I see – repeatedly – that struggling couples hone in on the problems they are having and what they don’t have, that they forget to also seek out ways to remember and celebrate what they do have.  Your partner might be driving you crazy with controlling behaviors, for example, while also being a fabulous parent or breadwinner, or both.  Your partner might struggle to get things done in a timely way, but is hilarious and always ready to go.

If we focus only on what our partner is not, we are the losers.  For we start our intended healing from a negative place.

What are the positives you could celebrate in your partner that might help you address the issues you both face with a more positive mindset?

The next live ADHD Effects In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts April 4th! "Thank you for such a life-changing seminar. It was the best and most effective money and time we ever spent."

TODAY: February 25, 1 pm EST, Free expert webinar with Edward Hallowell, M.D. - A Step-by-Step Guide to Adult ADHD Diagnosis and Treatment. Register at ADDitude Magazine.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins April 4th - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“Every day mirrors the act of creation.  Each morning you have to get up and create all over again.  The building is never done.”
-Bill Clinton

If you are feeling particularly negative right now, this idea might send you to hide in a closet somewhere!  But, being an optimist, I take each day as a real opportunity to create something I like.  And, as I get older (and my kids are out of the house so I have fewer responsibilities) more and more that thing I wish to create is simply a day that I enjoy.

I still plan ahead when I need to.  Continue my work.  Do the laundry.  But living in this very ‘present’ way offers me a chance – every single day – to create a sense of gratitude for what I have, add loving behaviors towards others, and take time to think about how to care for me and my life so that I, and people that I touch, can thrive.

15 years ago I would have wondered if this were self-centered.  Now I see, instead, a ripple effect.  My ‘in the present’ happiness rubs off on those around me, too

What would happen in your life if you woke up each day asking “what can I build today?”

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts April 4, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!