Weekly Marriage Tips

“…(Think) about something or someone that makes us really frustrated, maybe even angry. The more we think about them the more that emotion strengthens. The more the emotion strengthens the more we obsessively think about that situation or person. Even though the person is not with us, or the situation is not actually happening in that moment, our thoughts and imagination are powerful enough that we emotionally respond as if they were. Our physiological responses kick in as well - our pulse quickens, our blood pressure rises, and our muscles tighten.”
-    From the course Mindfulness Fundamentals, given by mindfulschools.org

One of the really great things about mindfulness is that it encourages people to distinguish between the thoughts that they have and the reality of the moment.  Read the paragraph above again.  How many times have you done this?!

Here’s the rub.  Thoughts are not reality…until you confuse them as such and follow with actions that then create the very thing you didn’t want to have happen!

Learning to separate thoughts from reality has a lot of practical uses.  As just one example, you might fear that your previously unfaithful partner might be cheating on you again and confront him about it.  This might well put him on the defensive and start a downward spiral of negative interactions that sets you both back in the healing you are going through.  Your negative interactions might even send him back to the other woman.  Yes, that fear that he might be cheating feels really, really awful.  YET, fearing that your partner is cheating is NOT the same thing as actually having your partner cheat!

Being able to say to yourself ‘just because I fear this thing does not make it real’ can be a huge help.  In this situation, rather than confront your partner, you could go to him and say “May I share something with you?  I’m feeling fearful and really could use some reassurance…” then explain what you are going through.

What a different outcome you would have!

This is only one example of how learning to distinguish thoughts from reality can really, really help you.  I will (with a smile) suggest you think about it for a while and then ask yourself when you are feeling a strong or negative thought “is this a thought, or really true?”  That can help you follow those thoughts into a more positive reality.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts April 4, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I LOVE this quote!

I am always amazed at the resiliency and strength of the couples I work with. We have, in each of us, the power to unleash this strength, even if we aren’t fully aware that it is there.

But perhaps you feel depleted and not very strong.  This would be understandable, if you have been struggling in your relationship.  The question becomes – ‘how do I find what lies within me?’  The answer varies from person to person, but I do see some patterns:
•    Respect begets effort.  Respect yourself, and respect your partner, and good things are likely to start to happen
•    Take care of yourself.  You cannot focus so much on your partner that you forget about yourself.  You will wither.  Instead, focus on what you need to feel strong, and any changes you can contribute to your partnership
•    Exercise regularly.  It makes you feel stronger, both mentally and physically.

As you gain confidence, you will be able to access the strength that is inside you.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts in April 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“Dwelling in the negative simply contributes to its power.”
-Fortune cookie

Last week I wrote about gratitude and the joy it can bring.  This week I want to talk about what focusing on the negative can do…

Because one way of dwelling in the negative is to spend most of your time focused on ‘what needs to be fixed.’  This is a ‘deficit’ model of thinking.  It casts a halo of bad feelings over all aspects of your life, can make your day a slog, and doesn’t feel good to your partner if the item needing to be ‘fixed’ is him or her.  (And I’m talking about BOTH partners thinking this way…!)

A better strategy is to focus some discreet periods of time on a few really, really important things you would like to see change.  Perhaps you do this with a weekly meeting about emotional topics (in counseling or not) plus some scheduled talk time in between so you had a chance to work through things.  Then, spend the rest of your time working on yourself in whatever way feels productive, and finding all the positives in your life to diminish the negatives.

I encourage you to use the power of positive thinking, while diminishing the power of the negative by not allowing yourself to focus there all the time.

And, no, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t address the issues in your relationship!  Only that it’s smart to think strategically about how you do it, rather than simply fall prey to the hurtful power of dwelling in the negative.

It's not too late! The live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar started yesterday, January 12th - but you can access the recording (plus any future session you may miss) and join live the next seven sessions. Use Coupon Code MCO16 for a $32 savings. Receive individualized attention and get your questions answered directly by Melissa.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. The next session will be held in March/April 2016.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“For me, every hour is grace.  And I feel gratitude in my heart each time I can meet someone and look at his or her smile.”
-Elle Wiesel, quoted in Oprah Magazine

Read any self-help magazine these days (including Oprah!) and you’ll get a ton of information about the benefits of gratitude.  Study after study shows that feeling grateful can significantly improve your daily experience, as well as change the wiring of your brain in a way that makes you feel better.

I’ve had recent personal experience with this.  2014 was a very tough year for me.  One of the things that helped me get through it was keeping a gratitude journal.  Before going to bed each night I would take a few minutes and write down three things for which I was grateful. Not only did it help me sleep better by calming at the end of the day, but it was great to see that even as I was struggling there were still a lot of really good things in my life.  It helped provide perspective, as well as reinforced my sense of having a great inner strength.

I’m through that period now, but I still write regularly in my gratitude journal because I have come to love being able to focus on the positive.  And the number one feeling I have these days is that of gratitude, making each hour significantly more meaningful and positive.

Would a gratitude journal – or perhaps simply looking at someone’s smile when you see him or her – help you feel as if there were more hours of grace in your life?

The next live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts January 12th! Learn more here. Use Coupon Code MCO16 for a $32 savings. "Your class had life-changing effects on our marriage.  Thank you!"

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts January 12, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“Willpower is like a muscle – it takes practice to get it right, but it also gets tired.”
-Dan Ariely

It takes effort to exert willpower, so it makes sense that having to exert willpower for long periods of time would mean that you would tire.  This has some implications for both partners in struggling ADHD relationships:

• Whenever possible, create situations that require less use of sustained willpower to keep your forward momentum.  For example, consider hiring assistance for housework if you can afford it, rather than create a system that requires repeatedly needing to invoke the use of willpower to get things done.  Or sign up for an exercise class that meets regularly, so you don’t have to repeatedly make the decision to go to the gym.
• Practice building the ‘muscle’ of willpower the same way you would build a regular muscle – start with shorter duration tasks, then move on to longer periods as you find what helps you sustain effort
• People who are sleep deprived will find that their willpower lessens more quickly (possibly related to ADHD getting worse with less sleep!)
• Noting and celebrating successes has the ability to ‘build up’ depleted willpower.  Make sure to celebrate your successes as you have them!

Finally, remember that the task of sustaining effort is significantly harder for most people with ADHD than for non-ADHD partners – by definition.

Are there things you can do to help keep your willpower ‘muscle’ strong?

The next live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts January 12th! Learn more here. Use Coupon Code MCO16 for a $32 savings. "Your class had life-changing effects on our marriage.  Thank you!"

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts January 12 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“There are two ways to live your life:  One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is a miracle.”  
-Albert Einstein

There have been times in my life when I most definitely did not feel my life was a miracle.  All I felt was lonely, depressed, angry…and not very fond of myself.  I had a lot, but was not happy.

But (and I will announce it here for those who don’t yet know) cancer intervened.  And I started asking ‘what is my life really about?’  Facing serious illness has a way of making you focus – RIGHT NOW! – on what you want your life to look like, who you want to spend it with, and making sure you are living the life you wish to live.  And if you’re not grateful for what you see, set a course that puts you onto a path that gets you there as fast as possible.

Because ALL life really is a miracle – yours included.  If you aren’t feeling that way, it’s time to take a hard look at what it will take to get you there.*

*As you know, I am a big believer that you can get there with your partner…but that is, of course, your call.

The next live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts January 12th! Learn more here. Use Coupon Code MCO16 for a $32 savings. "Your class had life-changing effects on our marriage.  Thank you!"

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts January 12, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“I left prison more informed than when I went in.  And the more informed you are, the less arrogant and aggressive you are.”
-Nelson Mandela, quoted in Oprah Magazine

I don’t typically think of prison as a place where people become less aggressive.  So this quote really struck me!  Mandela is talking about opening yourself up to the power of becoming educated about something that matters.  His education changed an entire nation as he became less arrogant and less aggressive.

It wasn’t just book learning.  He spent a good deal of time thinking about how to be a better person.  He chose to open himself to new ideas and a new way of being, and then worked hard at it.

I’m convinced that many couples can use a similar strategy to deal with ADHD issues in their relationship.  Open yourself up to becoming more informed about ADHD and its impact, and challenge yourself to be a better person.

This is the sort of work I lay out in my seminar, The ADHD Effect In-Depth.  If you haven’t taken it yet, I suggest you at least consider it.  The next live course (given by phone) will start January 12, 2016.

December 16 - London - Melissa will be speaking on Adult ADHD, Relationships and Families. Free. More info at ADDISS.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session will start January 12, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“Epic failure is part of being human, and it’s definitely part of being married. It’s part of what being alive means, occasionally screwing up in expensive ways. And that’s part of what marriage means, sometimes hating this other person but staying together because you promised you would. And then, days or weeks later, waking up and loving him again, loving him still.”
-Ada Calhoun, NY Times

Instead of writing a long article, I’m going to send you to a NY Times article that I enjoyed reading…Because it made me smile.

Melissa will be speaking in LONDON on December 16 on Adult ADHD, Relationships and Families.  For info on this free event, go to this link.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. Next live session starts January 12, 2016.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“(Regret is) driven by a contrast between where we are and where we think we could have been.”
-Dan Ariely, who studies irrationality

Let’s say you miss your flight.  That’s frustrating, right?  But what’s more frustrating?  Missing it by 2 minutes, or by two hours?

And who is happier standing on the Olympic podium?  The person who got the silver or the person who got the bronze?

Both the person who missed the flight by 2 minutes and the silver medalist are thinking “If only…” and that form of regret is incredibly painful.  So painful, in fact, that Ariely’s experiments suggest that people will do almost anything to avoid that feeling again.

Regret also drives anger.  But Ariely’s insight may help diminish that.  After all, if a non-ADHD wife (for example) regrets she married a woman who is completely disorganized instead of someone who is very neat, it’s possible to reframe this issue with greater acceptance of the disorganized partner’s ADHD symptoms.  ‘If I am to be Suzanne’s partner at all, I have to acknowledge that my dream of her being a neat freak wasn’t actually very realistic.  I knew that going in, even though I hoped it would improve.”  By being realistic, you decrease the distance between where you are, and where you think you could have been.

Are there things you regret where the pain of that regret could be lessened by viewing the situation more realistically?

Melissa will be speaking in LONDON on December 16 on Adult ADHD, Relationships and Families.  For info on this free event, go to this link.

American Adults Wanted to Participate in a Brief, Online Mindfulness Study - The intent of this study is to better understand why people may be more or less willing to practice mindfulness. The results will help inform a variety of mindfulness-based treatments, including those for ADHD.  Take the study here.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. Next course begins January 12, 2016.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be.  And you can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be.”
-Martin Luther King

One of the greatest pleasures, and greatest tests, of being part of a couple is how interconnected you are.  You are completely different people and will not (and should not!) be the same.  Being differentiated partners is healthy and part of creating a happy relationship.

But Martin Luther King makes a point about our inter-connectedness, too.  He was voicing a call to be our best selves in all of our relationships and I suggest to my clients the same thing.  You should strive to be your best self, but you won’t get there completely until your partner is also on the right path, and vice versa.

That means two things: First, don’t wait for your partner to make changes – go ahead and look at what you can do to make your situation together happier…and DO IT!  Second, celebrate your mutual successes.  Every time your partner makes a gain, so do you (and vice versa).

I challenge you to ask yourself – how can I be ‘what I ought to be’?

Thanks for your patience with our website outage the week of November 9th!  The adhdmarriage.com site is back up and ready for your use.

American Adults Wanted to Participate in a Brief, Online Mindfulness Study - The intent of this study is to better understand why people may be more or less willing to practice mindfulness. The results will help inform a variety of mindfulness-based treatments, including those for ADHD.  Take the study here.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!