Weekly Marriage Tips

“The groups ranged from support groups for patients recovering from heart surgery in Norway to students in secondary schools in Australia.  As we reported earlier this year, the common finding across all studies was that the more someone identified with a group, the less severe his or her depression symptoms were.  Thus, a sense of connection to a group, rather than just contact with individuals, is what protects mental health.”
-Tegan Cruwys, S. Alexander Haslam, and Genevieve Dingle in Scientific American Mind

People who are depressed often seem to hide themselves away and disconnect from others.  This study (and others) suggests that identifying with a group and making connections is critical to mental health.  ‘Connection’ is what Ned Hallowell calls ‘the other Vitamin C’ and for good reason!

In line with Dr. Hallowell’s idea, this research also suggested that simply ‘attending’ a group did not significantly lower depression.  It was the feelings of connection with the group that made the difference.

So if you are currently depressed, think about what group you might be able to join and become invested in…and things may well start looking up.

The next live ADHD Effects In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts April 4th!   "Just a note to say we're still thriving several months after your class!  :-)"

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts April 4, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“Would you keep hanging out with somebody who just criticizes you and grunts when he runs into you on the way to the bathroom?  No way.  You’re looking for a person who wants to laugh, talk about interesting things, share stories, and grow…if you want to have a good friend, you have to be a good friend.”
-Dr. Phil

Here’s a common theme in couples counseling:

Partner 1:  I want my partner to be nice to me, but it’s okay if I express my frustration by raising my voice and getting upset.

Partner 2:  Until my partner is nice to me I have every right to fight back…

Hold on!

We are all responsible for ‘contributing our best selves’ to our relationship.  That means being respectful, thoughtful, loving and the like – being whomever you are when you are at your best.  And an interesting thing starts to happen when we succeed – our partner is more likely to wish to be with us.  It’s so much better to be with someone who ‘wants to laugh, talk about interesting things, share stories and grow…” as Dr. Phil suggests.

I am NOT suggesting you ‘fake it.’  One of the harder times in my own relationship came when I decided to be ‘really, really nice’ to my partner to see what would happen.  His life got much better (I was no longer after him) but mine didn’t change at all (he still ignored me).  By the end of the experiment I was even madder than before!

So this is joint work that both of you do.  To get a friend…be a friend.  What could you do that would make you friendlier?

The next live ADHD Effects In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts April 4th! "Thank you for such a life-changing seminar. It was the best and most effective money and time we ever spent."

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts April 4, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“Fun isn’t an activity; it’s the result of our willingness to be open.  Fun is about spontaneity.  It finds us when it wants to, and our job is to be ready.”
-Thelma Adams

Ever felt too cranky to have fun?  That’s being ‘closed’ rather than open, and we’ve all been there!

It turns out that research suggests that one of the reasons optimists get more opportunities in life isn’t because more opportunities come their way, but rather that when they do, optimists are ‘open’ to considering them.

The same thing happens with fun.  Fun, exciting, new and interesting things happen all the time if we are just open to trying them and willing to do something different.

I find that one way to be more open is to try to keep myself in a positive mindset, even when things are difficult.  I do this with gratitude exercises and taking time to look around me, both figuratively and literally.  I make a concerted effort to say ‘yes’ when something new and interesting comes my way, just to try it out.  Lots of times it turns out to be fun (or interesting, at least!) and sometimes it’s a total flop…at which point I try to laugh and figure I’ve learned something I didn’t know before.

How might you be able to be more open to fun and what’s already around you?

The next live ADHD Effects In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts April 4th!  "Your class had life-changing effects on our marriage. Thank you!"

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts April 4, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“The longest relationship we have with anyone is with ourselves, and yet that relationship is often the first one we let slide.  Maintaining it brings such comfort, though:  Liking your company means that you always have at your beck and call a person who gets you.” - Robin Romm

I remember a time when my husband and I both said to each other “I don’t like you very much…and, actually, I don’t like me very much, either.”  The former comes from repetitive relationship problems with your significant other…but the latter – disliking yourself – comes from forgetting about the relationship you have with your (significant) self.  This isn’t about gender.  Neither my husband nor I was thriving.  This is about thinking so much about the SO that you simply forget about yourself.  “I can wait,” you think, and suddenly you are depressed and lonely and have lost touch with the ‘you’ you used to be.

This is not only a very real loss, it’s a terrible place to be!

I urge each of you, if you are not actively taking care of yourself, to start seeking ways to do so.  One of the most important things you can do is make sure you are in touch with your own values and boundaries.  (If you want more information on this, see The ADHD Effect on Marriage.)

The next live ADHD Effects In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts April 4th! "Thank you for such a life-changing seminar. It was the best and most effective money and time we ever spent."

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins April 4th - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“In considering what Tess was not, he overlooked what she was…” - Thomas Hardy

I admit it.  ‘Tess’ was definitely NOT one of my favorite books!  But this quote was way too relevant to forgo!  Because I see – repeatedly – that struggling couples hone in on the problems they are having and what they don’t have, that they forget to also seek out ways to remember and celebrate what they do have.  Your partner might be driving you crazy with controlling behaviors, for example, while also being a fabulous parent or breadwinner, or both.  Your partner might struggle to get things done in a timely way, but is hilarious and always ready to go.

If we focus only on what our partner is not, we are the losers.  For we start our intended healing from a negative place.

What are the positives you could celebrate in your partner that might help you address the issues you both face with a more positive mindset?

The next live ADHD Effects In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts April 4th! "Thank you for such a life-changing seminar. It was the best and most effective money and time we ever spent."

TODAY: February 25, 1 pm EST, Free expert webinar with Edward Hallowell, M.D. - A Step-by-Step Guide to Adult ADHD Diagnosis and Treatment. Register at ADDitude Magazine.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins April 4th - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“Every day mirrors the act of creation.  Each morning you have to get up and create all over again.  The building is never done.”
-Bill Clinton

If you are feeling particularly negative right now, this idea might send you to hide in a closet somewhere!  But, being an optimist, I take each day as a real opportunity to create something I like.  And, as I get older (and my kids are out of the house so I have fewer responsibilities) more and more that thing I wish to create is simply a day that I enjoy.

I still plan ahead when I need to.  Continue my work.  Do the laundry.  But living in this very ‘present’ way offers me a chance – every single day – to create a sense of gratitude for what I have, add loving behaviors towards others, and take time to think about how to care for me and my life so that I, and people that I touch, can thrive.

15 years ago I would have wondered if this were self-centered.  Now I see, instead, a ripple effect.  My ‘in the present’ happiness rubs off on those around me, too

What would happen in your life if you woke up each day asking “what can I build today?”

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts April 4, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“…neurological differences …generate new ideas.  Impairments in one area can lead to advantages in others, and it is these differences that drive progress.”
-Matthew Schneps, in an article on dyslexia in Scientific American Mind

Some people ask whether or not ADHD is a gift.  For most people, I would say it is not a gift, if only because they have to do extra work to manage it.

That said, I do agree with what Schneps writes.  In ways, we compensate for our weaknesses by becoming particularly strong in other areas.  I’m terrible at calculations (math learning disability) but really great at the other side of the spectrum – conceptual thinking.  My ability to put together many disparate ideas in a way that people relate to has helped many, many couples.

My husband is really great at thinking about a million things at once (race car ADHD brain!) but not so good at staying engaged with things he doesn’t like (also ADHD brain…).  He overseas technology strategy for 8 separate companies.  Just the thought of all that input makes my head spin!

My point is this – Don’t ask your partner to be like you.  Instead, appreciate your differences, and play to your individual strengths.  This is the most likely path to a happy relationship.

Parents of kids with ADHD, Anxiety, LD and more - enroll in "Sanity School" parent management and training program and learn positive parenting strategies. Use this link for a 40% discount.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins April 4, 2016 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. This seminar is given by phone, so anyone may participate.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“…(Think) about something or someone that makes us really frustrated, maybe even angry. The more we think about them the more that emotion strengthens. The more the emotion strengthens the more we obsessively think about that situation or person. Even though the person is not with us, or the situation is not actually happening in that moment, our thoughts and imagination are powerful enough that we emotionally respond as if they were. Our physiological responses kick in as well - our pulse quickens, our blood pressure rises, and our muscles tighten.”
-    From the course Mindfulness Fundamentals, given by mindfulschools.org

One of the really great things about mindfulness is that it encourages people to distinguish between the thoughts that they have and the reality of the moment.  Read the paragraph above again.  How many times have you done this?!

Here’s the rub.  Thoughts are not reality…until you confuse them as such and follow with actions that then create the very thing you didn’t want to have happen!

Learning to separate thoughts from reality has a lot of practical uses.  As just one example, you might fear that your previously unfaithful partner might be cheating on you again and confront him about it.  This might well put him on the defensive and start a downward spiral of negative interactions that sets you both back in the healing you are going through.  Your negative interactions might even send him back to the other woman.  Yes, that fear that he might be cheating feels really, really awful.  YET, fearing that your partner is cheating is NOT the same thing as actually having your partner cheat!

Being able to say to yourself ‘just because I fear this thing does not make it real’ can be a huge help.  In this situation, rather than confront your partner, you could go to him and say “May I share something with you?  I’m feeling fearful and really could use some reassurance…” then explain what you are going through.

What a different outcome you would have!

This is only one example of how learning to distinguish thoughts from reality can really, really help you.  I will (with a smile) suggest you think about it for a while and then ask yourself when you are feeling a strong or negative thought “is this a thought, or really true?”  That can help you follow those thoughts into a more positive reality.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts April 4, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I LOVE this quote!

I am always amazed at the resiliency and strength of the couples I work with. We have, in each of us, the power to unleash this strength, even if we aren’t fully aware that it is there.

But perhaps you feel depleted and not very strong.  This would be understandable, if you have been struggling in your relationship.  The question becomes – ‘how do I find what lies within me?’  The answer varies from person to person, but I do see some patterns:
•    Respect begets effort.  Respect yourself, and respect your partner, and good things are likely to start to happen
•    Take care of yourself.  You cannot focus so much on your partner that you forget about yourself.  You will wither.  Instead, focus on what you need to feel strong, and any changes you can contribute to your partnership
•    Exercise regularly.  It makes you feel stronger, both mentally and physically.

As you gain confidence, you will be able to access the strength that is inside you.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts in April 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“Dwelling in the negative simply contributes to its power.”
-Fortune cookie

Last week I wrote about gratitude and the joy it can bring.  This week I want to talk about what focusing on the negative can do…

Because one way of dwelling in the negative is to spend most of your time focused on ‘what needs to be fixed.’  This is a ‘deficit’ model of thinking.  It casts a halo of bad feelings over all aspects of your life, can make your day a slog, and doesn’t feel good to your partner if the item needing to be ‘fixed’ is him or her.  (And I’m talking about BOTH partners thinking this way…!)

A better strategy is to focus some discreet periods of time on a few really, really important things you would like to see change.  Perhaps you do this with a weekly meeting about emotional topics (in counseling or not) plus some scheduled talk time in between so you had a chance to work through things.  Then, spend the rest of your time working on yourself in whatever way feels productive, and finding all the positives in your life to diminish the negatives.

I encourage you to use the power of positive thinking, while diminishing the power of the negative by not allowing yourself to focus there all the time.

And, no, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t address the issues in your relationship!  Only that it’s smart to think strategically about how you do it, rather than simply fall prey to the hurtful power of dwelling in the negative.

It's not too late! The live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar started yesterday, January 12th - but you can access the recording (plus any future session you may miss) and join live the next seven sessions. Use Coupon Code MCO16 for a $32 savings. Receive individualized attention and get your questions answered directly by Melissa.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. The next session will be held in March/April 2016.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!