Weekly Marriage Tips

“Most parenting approaches have you giving a strong punitive consequence that’s all energy and that confirms that, as a parent, you’re highly available through negativity – you’re a toy that works when they push buttons…And you work if, and only if, they act out bigger.” - Howard Glasser

Almost all of the couples I work with suffer from significant parent/child dynamics. One partner (typically non-ADHD) acts like a (poor) parent figure – taking on too much responsibility, setting goals for a partner, educating, reprimanding or punishing the partner if something isn’t done on time or correctly. Over time, the couple no longer acts in partnership, and many of their interactions are negative.

But think about what Glasser writes. Do you wish to only be “available” through negativity? What sort of partnership is that? There was a period in my own relationship when my husband simply stopped wanting to interact with me because he didn’t want the hassle of dealing with my negative responses…and the less we interacted, the worse both our behavior became.

Over the long haul, we all do better when we are inspired rather than punished. What could you change to better inspire your partner to connect?

If you need help with parent/child dynamics, consider taking my Live couples course, beginning next Tuesday September 23, 2014, as this is one of the issues that it tackles. It's likely that this live couples seminar will be my last for some time, perhaps for good.  So now is the time to sign up!

Given once a week by phone conference call for 8 weeks, this seminar covers such important topics as: ADHD treatment, anger, parent/child interactions, communication strategies, chore issues, lying, cover-ups, sexual interactions, and how to find the positives in ADHD and your relationship.

Register now - the course starts next week! Questions? Contact me directly at morlov@gmail.com.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar.  This eight-session seminar, starting this Tuesday September 23rd, has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“TIME approaches hard questions with a conviction that smart people of good will can disagree fiercely – but that discourse can be reasoned, enlightening, even entertaining.  I don’t believe debate divides us; it draws us together, because the premise is that we are looking for the best answer…” - Nancy Gibbs, first female Managing Editor of TIME magazine

How do you think about your disagreements? As pushing you apart, or as two people who disagree but share a desire to find the best answer?

Many struggling couples would answer the first way – it has become a habit to see their partner as an adversary. This is a huge loss – because it interferes with the collaborative problem solving that is so much in their best interests.

In order to be good collaborators you must start from a place where you each have equal power and respect – so parent/child dynamics really get in the way. If you find you are adversaries, first attack parent/child dynamics together…then start putting communication strategies in place to increase respectful behavior and lessen defensiveness. If you need help with this, consider taking my couples course, beginning September 23, 2014, as this is one of the issues that it tackles.

it's likely that this live couples seminar will be my last for some time, perhaps for good.  So now is the time to sign up!

This is a fabulous seminar - given once a week by phone conference call for 8 weeks.  Many couples have said that it has dramatically changed their lives for the better (see the testimonials at the bottom of the seminar page) 

The seminar covers such important topics as:
    •    What good treatment for ADHD looks like in the context of a serious relationship
    •    Why you are both so angry - and how to change that
    •    Parent/child interactions, and dysfunctional pursuit/retreat patterns - and how to get out of them
    •    Communication strategies that work
    •    Overcoming tasks, time and chore issues for couples
    •    Lying, cover-ups, and rebuilding trust
    •    How to find the positives in ADHD and your relationship

If you are struggling, you probably need this information.  So register now - the course starts September 23rd!
If you have further questions about whether taking this course is right for you and your partner, please email me at morlov@gmail.com.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

Audio Book and Kindle Now Available for The Couple's Guide to Thriving. This book explores why the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“With all our talk about God-given gifts, we’ve convinced a generation of kids that if you’re good at something, it must be effortless. That’s so wrong. The best work is a slog. Then you reach the summit, take a breath, and say Well, that wasn’t easy, but here I am.” -Anna Quindlen

How many magazine articles, romantic comedies and novels have you read that suggest that love is easy?

I agree with Quindlen – there are many, many things in life that take a lot of work, but are worth the effort. I put the nurturing and care of relationships at the top of that list. It’s okay that you are saying “that wasn’t easy, but here I am…”  Be proud of the work you and your partner put into your relationship and the progress you make in understanding each other as a team. That work is part of what binds couples together over time.

Long-term love is like weaving a cloth. Every interaction is a thread – positive interactions are strong threads added to the cloth. Negative interactions are broken threads that weaken the fabric of the relationship. The weaving we do…every day…is hard work. Keep it up!

REGISTRATION FOR MY LIVE COUPLES SEMINAR IS NOW OPEN! THIS VERY POPULAR TELESEMINAR BEGINS SEPTEMBER 23...DETAILS ABOUT THE COURSE ARE AT THIS LINK. TURN YOUR MARRIAGE INTO THE RELATIONSHIP YOU ALWAYS WANTED!

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar.  This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. THE NEXT COUPLE'S SEMINAR STARTS SEPTEMBER 23.

Audio Book and Kindle Now Available for The Couple's Guide to Thriving. Co-authored with Nancie Kohlenberger, LMFT, The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD focuses on emotional "hot spots" couples impacted by ADHD commonly face. The book explores why these Hot Spots are so hard to move past, and what to do about them. It's time to move away from anger, frustration and other difficult emotions and learn how to calm your relationship? For more information, go to this link.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“The medical model (of treating ADHD) is so slanted toward deficits that it excludes strengths – and it also reinforces stigma, that this is shameful, this is bad, this means you’re a loser. And that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s the old line of whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right…” -Ned Hallowell

If you were a person with ADHD, what would you rather hear? That you have a “race car brain with bad brakes” as Dr. Ned Hallowell would say, or that you have something wrong with your brain, as many others would posit? The media, friends, partners, and teachers all too often reinforce the negatives of ADHD while completely ignoring the strengths. Part of this, at least with the media, is that the positives aren’t “news.” But part of it is also that even the medical field looks at the weaknesses of ADHD (distraction, poor planning, poor memory) without thinking hard enough about the person inside. Treat a symptom and you are still starting from the idea of “problem.” Start with a positive (race car brain) and “strengthen the brakes” and it seems like a completely different problem. One that takes into account that this is a person who is struggling with these issues and needs to feel internal motivation in order to respond to them. What’s motivating about hearing people tell you that you’re broken?

Words matter. They matter because they literally create attitudes in the listener and the speaker. How do you talk about ADHD with your partner, friends and family?

REGISTRATION FOR MY LIVE COUPLES SEMINAR IS NOW OPEN! THIS VERY POPULAR TELESEMINAR BEGINS SEPTEMBER 23...DETAILS ABOUT THE COURSE ARE AT THIS LINK.  TURN YOUR MARRIAGE INTO THE RELATIONSHIP YOU ALWAYS WANTED! 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar.  This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. THE NEXT COUPLE'S SEMINAR STARTS SEPTEMBER 23.

Audio Book and Kindle Now Available for The Couple's Guide to Thriving. Co-authored with Nancie Kohlenberger, LMFT, The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD focuses on emotional "hot spots" couples impacted by ADHD commonly face. The book explores why these Hot Spots are so hard to move past, and what to do about them. It's time to move away from anger, frustration and other difficult emotions and learn how to calm your relationship? For more information, go to this link.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“Just for a moment, consider the people who constantly demand that you listen to them and obey them. Now shift gears and think about those few wonderful people you know who accept you, appreciate you, and listen to you.” - Justin Locke, from Real Men Don’t Rehearse

All I have to do is read Locke’s description to have a picture pop into my mind of how nice it is to be with one of those “few wonderful people.”

Listening, accepting and appreciating turns out to be a really hard balance to create in ADHD-impacted relationships for all sorts of reasons – and each couple does it their own way. It helps to actively make sure to create time to show your partner that you accept and appreciate him or her, and make sure you have non-distracted periods to listen to each other. It also helps to know a lot about ADHD. That distraction and emotionality aren’t the hallmarks of not caring – they are symptoms.

In our household, “listening times” typically come over a dinner out – where someone else does all the work and we can just sit and chat. When are your times to just listen to each other? If you can’t think of any, it’s time to create some!

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar, starting on September 23, 2014, has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

 

I'm delighted to announce that the Kindle edition and audiobook version of my second book are finally available. Co-authored with Nancie Kohlenberger, LMFT, The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD focuses on emotional "hot spots" couples impacted by ADHD commonly face. The book explores why these Hot Spots are so hard to move past, and what to do about them. It's time to move away from anger, frustration and other difficult emotions and learn how to calm your relationship? For more information, go to this link.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you. It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“Truth is like fresh, clear air, while lies are like smog that poisons our psyches and interactions.  The amount of truth you must tell to any given person depends on how much healthy intimacy you want with that person.  The more intimate you want a relationship to be, the more truth you must tell.  It’s that simple.” - Martha Beck

I come across a lot of couples struggling with the fact that an ADHD partner may cover up something about which he or she has done. This is often because the partner is embarrassed by his or her inability to perform more consistently. Sometimes it reflects that ADHD partner’s desire to not disappoint a loved partner. And sometimes it has to do with parent/child dynamics – the ADHD partner (in the “child” role) fears repercussions or punishment from a non-ADHD/parent figure.

Whatever the origin of the cover ups, they are not neutral in the relationship. Chronic lying erodes all sense of trust, and leads to frustration, anger and disappointment. How do you fall back in love with someone when you are feeling those emotions?!

If you have “little lies” in your relationship please understand that there is no such thing as a little lie. You must own up to this behavior and start to change the habit in order to thrive. And, since both partners typically participate in creating an environment that encourages lies, both partners will have work to do. (For more information on my topic, you might consider taking my live couples seminar – this is just one of a number of difficult behaviors we cover.)

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

 

I'm delighted to announce that the Kindle edition and audiobook version of my second book are finally available. Co-authored with Nancie Kohlenberger, LMFT, The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD focuses on emotional "hot spots" couples impacted by ADHD commonly face. The book explores why these Hot Spots are so hard to move past, and what to do about them. It's time to move away from anger, frustration and other difficult emotions and learn how to calm your relationship? For more information, go to this link.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“As Muppets, our gifts can be offbeat – one of us might be a world-class bog snorkeler, another a masterful boomerang fish thrower- but we all bring something to the table.  Don’t forget to embrace your quirks.” - Kermit the Frog

How many of us grew up with the Muppets?! They were – all at once – funny, infuriating, bossy, happy, bouncy, sad, insecure, too secure…in other words just like us (though they sang about it!) We loved them for their quirkiness, and they loved each other, as well.  

I had not thought of The Muppet Show as a place of complete acceptance before now, but looking back that’s exactly what it was. And I wonder – what would it have been like in my own home if it had been more like the Muppets, and a bit less like I was in charge? Interesting to ponder…particularly with ADHD in the mix…I was (am) a great mom. But as I’ve aged and watched my children grow into wonderful adults my one regret is that I wasn’t “lighter” with them when they were kids – choosing to have fun at every opportunity simply because we could…just like the Muppets. For those of you who still have younger children at home, now is your chance…

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you. It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“People grow apart when they don’t share what’s happening to them as they grow.” - Martha Beck

Relationship disconnection is a common issue these days – whether caused by being too busy and stressed, or by ADHD symptomatic behaviors such as distraction, or both. One way to keep from “growing apart” is to reach out to your partner on a regular basis and share an inner thought or, if you prefer, ask him/her about something they are feeling or interested in. If you have ADHD, you might need to literally schedule reminders to do this – but it will be worth the effort. Partners love to know they are being thought of. Sharing your thoughts about what excites you right now, or what you are “mulling” is an impressive, and appreciated, way to stay connected.

This all assumes, of course, that your relationship is “safe” enough to be able to share your feelings. If it isn’t, start first by improving the tenor of your relationship – perhaps with the help of a therapist.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar.  This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“Strength means honoring your entire range of emotion, even your despair and heartbreak.” - Brenda Shaughnessy

Who started the idea that despair or heartbreak are forms of weakness, anyway?!  I think Brenda is right – when you acknowledge all of your feelings – even the hard ones – you set the stage for becoming healthier. Out in the open, these feelings can be examined, felt, and eventually moved beyond.  Hidden, they continue to fester.

“Honoring” all of your emotions, as Shaughnessy puts it, is simply a smart way to live…even if sometimes it might feel scary.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar.  This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website