Weekly Marriage Tips

“The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.” - Oprah Winfrey on Twitter

One of the challenges of working with couples is to get them to see that the process of improving their relationship is not about ‘fixing their partner’ but about addressing their own issues.  People get this concept intellectually, but it is really hard to let go of the idea emotionally.  ADHD partners often think the non-ADHD partner’s anger is really the issue, while non-ADHD partners are likely to blame their partner’s ADHD.

These attitudes leave them stuck.  You can’t make your partner ‘better.’  You can only make yourself better.  And, as Oprah suggests, this is a process of making yourself better than you were yesterday – it’s one day at a time.

What could you do better today than yesterday?

For those of you in the Seattle, WA area, The Hallowell Todaro Center and ADD Resources have invited me to speak on Monday, February 9th about strengthening intimacy.  Learn more here.

The next live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts February 17th! Learn more here.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. The next session begins February 17th.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“The story of human intimacy is one of constantly allowing ourselves to see those we love most deeply in a new, more fractured light.  Look hard.  Risk that.” - Cheryl Strayed

No one ever really talked with me about how love changes over the course of a long-term relationship, but I sort of wish I had known more about it!  Strayed’s idea – that we see our partners in a more ‘fractured light’ is a very interesting way to think about the strength we can gain from long-term love.  We start thinking our partner – and our relationship – are perfect.  Then we learn better.  And over the years we see more and more facets – positive and negative - of our partner and ourselves.

This can be scary stuff.  What do you do with the idea that your partner is capable of betrayal?  Or that her work record is more spotty than you expected?  How about the times when you feel resentment – perhaps even hate - and don’t act on it in ways that you feel proud of?

I would agree with Strayed – learning who we are at a deeper level is a risk, but well worth it.  We are infinitely more complex than we thought when we first met…and constantly changing.  But that is good.  I like that my husband sees the good and the bad in me and is still around to talk about it.  I like that I can see him more accurately for who he is and still feel deep love for him.  This is reassuring, even as it can be hard to digest sometimes.

What sort of ‘fractured light’ have you benefited from in your relationship?

For those of you in the Seattle, WA area, The Hallowell Todaro Center and ADD Resources have invited me to speak on Monday, February 9th about strengthening intimacy.  Learn more here.

The next live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts February 17th! Learn more here.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. The next session begins February 17th. Learn more here.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“I could say day and you would say night
Tell me it’s black when I know it’s white
Always the same, it’s just a shame, that’s all” - Genesis

This is one of the great break up songs of my youth, but I’m not writing about break ups here.  Rather, I’m interested in the vast differences between those with ADHD and those without, and how we often spend WAY too much time arguing about the small stuff, and not focusing on the positives.  We argue, sometimes, because it has become a habit – ‘always the same, it’s just a shame.’

But what about the positives of your differences?  That differences can bring spice and joy to you both?  What if we could let the habit of bickering and power struggles go and focus on the more important fact that there is love in the relationship?  Wouldn’t it be great to focus on the way that you uniquely approach the areas of common ground between you?  Maybe you share a love of adventure, but one loves the planning while the other loves the execution.  Maybe you both share parenting values, but one person loves the strong daily connections with the kids, while the other better tolerates shorter blocks of time and play?

If you are in the habit of bickering with your partner, what strength could you find by seeking out common ground – even if you have different opinions and approaches?

Melissa will be speaking in Seattle, WA on February 9, at the Hallowell Todaro Center, and also giving a rare in-person couples seminar. Learn more here.

The next live couples seminar starts February 17th! Learn more here.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. The next session begins February 17th. Learn more here.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“Oh the things you can find
if you don’t stay behind.” - Dr. Seuss

Red fish, blue fish, one fish…oh, wait, that’s the wrong story!

How much fun was it to read Dr. Seuss’ stories when we were growing up? And to ‘see’ the wisdom behind his words, too? In this case, he’s talking about being ‘open’ to new adventures and experiences. This quote struck me because I have just come out of about a three-year period in my life in which I was open to some new things (learning to play the cello being at the top of the list) but was definitely NOT open to everything life was sending my way. Under stress, my life shrank and my relationship suffered as my husband felt he couldn’t approach me easily.

Who wants that?! No, really…that is a serious question. Research suggests that remaining open to the ideas and opportunities that we are all bombarded with can mean the difference between success and mediocrity. In a relationship, I think that means being fearless about hearing what our partners want to tell us – even if that information is hard to hear. What we ‘find’ when we do this is deeper and more meaningful connections with our partner.

Melissa will be speaking in New York City tomorrow, January 8th, 6:30pm at West End Collegiate Church, 245 W. 77th St. More information about events is at the events page.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar.  This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.” - Carlos Castenada

Think about how exhausting it is when you fight with your partner. Or when you feel under complete stress in your relationship. I think Castenada has it right here – it isn’t ‘easier’ to make ourselves miserable in terms of workload, only easier in terms of direction. When you are struggling, ‘doing nothing’ or digging into your position feels ‘easier’ than creating an intentional relationship in which you put in the hard work to be more in tune with your partner.

But that would be the wrong emphasis – because you end up with something untenable, rather than fulfilling. So, if the amount of work is the same, and the outcome of one direction is better than the other, what could you do – right now – to make yourself stronger?

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

Melissa will be speaking in New York City on January 8, and in Seattle, WA on February 10. Information about events is at the events page.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you on the ADHD and Marriage website. It can literally change your life!

“Love is a verb.... Love in a long term marriage isn't something you say, but love is what you do.” - a friend

Every marriage contains significant tests of love and courage, and mine is no exception. I can write about relationships all day long, but what matters at our house is what I DO each day to make my life happier, and my relationship stronger. Love, truly, is a verb…and sometimes the actions needed to demonstrate my love take courage to implement. That’s okay. Sure, wouldn’t it be great if we were never tested? But then, is there such a relationship? Really?

How could you better act on your love? Ensure that love remains a verb at your house? Could you seek ways to be more patient or empathetic? Could you learn how to hold your tongue rather than critique? Could you spend more time getting your ADHD treatment optimized as a demonstration that you hear your partner’s distress?

It’s worth some self-reflection AND some loving actions to find out.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD has been selected by ADDitude Magazine as a Great Gift Idea for Adults with ADHD. Available in Audio Book and Kindle, it explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you. It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“Life is interesting only as long as it is a process of growth; or, to put it another way, we can grow only as long as we are interested.” - Cheryl Strayed, writing as advice columnist, “Sugar”

One of the saddest things I encounter when working with couples is when one or both partners has ‘checked out’ of their relationship, yet still keeps up the motions.  This creates a toxic environment that is stressful and unhappy for both partners.  You are connected by contract, but not by positive emotion.

I’ve been in this place.  Years can go by when you don’t understand fully what is going on, but know you feel miserably disconnected from your partner and can’t seem to bridge the gap between you because one or both of you has put up a protective wall of disconnection.

Partners often tell me that they are disconnected as a way to protect themselves.  Unfortunately, disconnecting means that the relationship cannot flourish.  Is it really protecting yourself to remain in a position in which you cannot thrive?

If you are in this situation, I strongly urge you to seek professional help.  For couples impacted by ADHD that means finding a counselor who understands this specialty – see the referrals section on my website.  You may also wish to consider taking my couples seminar as a starting place (next session will likely be spring of 2015 – watch these tips for an announcement of the dates.)

As Strayed points out, you can only grow if you are interested.  This is particularly true of couples, who rely on their connection with another, for relationship growth.  Don’t put off finding help – stagnation and negative feelings are not the same thing as ‘being interested.’

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar.  This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD has been selected by ADDitude Magazine as a Great Gift Idea for Adults with ADHD. Available in Audio Book and Kindle, it explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“Neuroplasticity, the brain’s capacity to grown and change, has been clearly confirmed in human adults. By noticing and making more mindful choices about our thoughts, feelings, and reactions, we can actually change the structure, activity, and connections in our brain. Such changes are associated with increased and more balanced empathy, faster recovery after an argument, and decreased negativity bias.” - Marsha Lucas, Ph.D.

We change our brains as we make specific choices. This is one of the reasons that improving our relationship through making everyday intentional choices about being positive and thoughtful with our actions (what I call an "intentional relationship”) is so useful. According to John Ratey, MD, research shows clearly that exercise helps speed the process of creating stronger and new mental pathways through a process called neuroplasticity. Meditation is another way to change your brain to (eventually) become calmer and inhibit impulsivity.

None of this happens over night. But making time in your schedule for exercise, making mindful choices and meditation have long-term, physiological benefits. Can you create more time for one or more of these activities?

Thanksgiving is a great time to reflect on what you are thankful for. I am grateful to be working with a community of people impacted by ADHD. There are so many seeking ways to love their partner more fully and working to make their lives better...truly it is a privilege.  Thank you!

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular eight-session phone seminar ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar.

Delighted to announce that The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD has been named a finalist in the 2014 USA Best Book Awards Psychology and Mental Health category. Available in Audio Book and Kindle, it explores and offers recommendations on what to do about the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you. It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“Gratitude. That’s the gift I’m giving myself this year, and the gift you just might want to give yourself, too. Why? Because it can transform any situation.  It alters your vibration, moving you from negative energy to positive. It’s the quickest, easiest, most powerful way to effect change in your life – this I know for sure” - Oprah Winfrey

Believe it or not, research suggests that taking even a few minutes each day to stop and contemplate what we are grateful for can change our brain’s wiring. Even in the most dire of situations you can usually find something in your life for which you are grateful – so take the time to seek these things out and reflect on them daily. Better yet, share that gratitude with your partner, family members and friends whenever possible.

Our internal stories are critical to how we perceive the events that happen to us. Actively seeking out and reinforcing that which is good in your life can make a big difference…every day.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar.  This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“I’ve learned that while I’d be a fool not to stay open to the advice and experiences of the smart, amazing people in my life, I also need to listen to what I have to say. I’d rather believe in my own choice and see it all go wrong than do something I’m not fully convinced of and later feel guilty about it. So now, when I’m faced with a decision, instead of asking, “What do you guys think?” the first question I ask is, “Alicia, what do you think?” - Alicia Keys

We’re often pretty good at convincing ourselves we should do something we may not totally buy into – out of obligation, because our family tradition says we should, because we fear what happens if we don’t. But Keys has an interesting point. Even after all the experts have weighed in (including me!) it’s time to make that decision with which you feel most comfortable.

Stay open to the experts’ advice. But make sure to listen to what you have to say.

Perhaps you might want to take a moment right now to ask “what does my gut tell me I should be doing differently or better?”

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar.  This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website