Weekly Marriage Tips

“My mom has always told me, ‘You don’t have to be the best, but you do have to be your best.’  I always try to push myself outside my comfort zone, on and off the court.” - Skylar Diggins, WNBA with the Tulsa Shock

I like this idea – it’s aspirational…but it also has real limits.  Striving to be your best is a learning process – both on the court and in relationships.  We should keep trying to be the best we can be in our relationships, because there is always something more we can learn.  But it is also good to find a zone in which you can say “I’ve come a long way, and I’m happy with who I am and what I contribute.”  That, to me, is a sign that you have found your own, personal best.

 

Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD on ADHDMarriage.com, including:

an online treatment overview;
downloadable chapters of my books;
a community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
a large number of blog posts on various topics;
referrals;
and my very popular couples courses:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship;
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship! ADHDMarriage.com can literally change your life!

“I’m discovering that life isn’t something I’m supposed to master, but an adventure I’m meant to experience.  I’m worrying less about what I should be doing and becoming more aware of what I am doing.” - Sue Fliess

There is a great deal of wisdom in this quote, particularly for couples impacted by ADHD.  Because the reality is, your lives are filled with the very real struggle between “what one is supposed to master” and “the adventure of living life.”

Because of a major illness, I recently made this important psychological shift to being more ‘mindful’ of the adventures to be found in everyday life and much less bound by what I (or my partner) ‘ought’ to be mastering.  The result has been a stunning shift in positive feelings about my everyday life.

I encourage you all to consider Fliess’ wisdom and try applying it to your own lives.  

P.S.  Mindfulness training can be a wonderful tool for both ADHD and non-ADHD partners to learn how to become more aware of what you are doing.  (Ironically, that suggestion smacks of focusing on mastery…but you do have to start somewhere!)

 

Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD on ADHDMarriage.com, including:

• an online treatment overview;
• downloadable chapters of my books;
• a community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
• a large number of blog posts on various topics;
• referrals;
• and my very popular couples courses:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship;
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship! ADHDMarriage.com can literally change your life!

“…life was passing me by because I was obsessing about what I couldn’t do instead of rocking the things I could.” - Beth Levine

Thank goodness…we are all different!  And when you have an ADHD partner and a non-ADHD partner you are really, really different!  That means you are best served if you throw out conventional wisdom about who does what in both your home and your relationship.  In addition, when ADHD is on the scene it’s too easy to focus on what each partner struggles with (organization, time management, nagging, parenting…you get the idea!)

Time to step back and ask yourself whether you couldn’t be better served to take a fresh look at what each of you does well, focus on those things, and find ways to either eliminate, delegate or diminish the importance of things one or both of you don’t do so well.

Truly – this is a clear path to greater happiness.

 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship! ADHDMarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship; and Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.

To keep your marriage brimming, 
With love in the loving cup, 
Whenever you're wrong, admit it; 
Whenever you're right, shut up. 
-Ogden Nash, poet (1902-1971) 

Do you know the art of a good apology?  Among other things, it’s saying you’re sorry without adding a “but” or “because” clause that actually throws blame on your partner.  And how about shutting up, as Nash suggests, when you’re right?  I love Nash’s pithy poems – not only because many of them are funny, but because they are often spot on.

The Panther
The panther is like a leopard,
Except it hasn't been peppered.
Should you behold a panther crouch,
Prepare to say Ouch.
Better yet, if called by a panther,
Don't anther.

The kids and I used to crack up every time we read this.

 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship! 

 

ADHDMarriage.com resources can literally change your life!

 

Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses, given by phone, so anyone may participate:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship; and

Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - a new seminar designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.

 

If you wish to be notified when the Fall 2015 course dates are set, please send me a note using this contact form.

“Compassion isn’t about solutions.  It’s about giving all the love you’ve got.” - Cheryl Strayed

Compassion and acceptance are about giving all the love you’ve got.  Managing ADHD symptoms so you can both thrive is about creating plans and finding solutions.  BOTH need to be present in your relationship if you are going to succeed.

If you’re reading this, you are probably already thinking in terms of solutions.  Are you also following through on giving all the love you’ve got?

 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses, given by phone, so anyone may participate: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship and Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - a new seminar designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. If you wish to be notified when the Fall 2015 course dates are set, please send me a note using this contact form.

Learn more about my two award winning books: The ADHD Effect on Marriage and The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you on ADHDmarriage.com.  It can literally change your life!

“The ability to yield, to bend, to give way, to accommodate,” he said, “was sometimes a source of strength in men as well as in wood, so long as it was helmed by inner resolve and by principle.” - Master crew shell builder, George Pocock, as reported in Boys in the Boat

I am sometimes asked whether acquiescing to a partner’s specific needs (be they emotional or related to ADHD symptoms) isn’t just a form of giving in. Sometimes it is, but often it is not.  Pocock’s idea about accommodation as a source of strength as long as it is guided by inner principle provides insight into how to distinguish between acquiescing in a negative way, and bending in strength as a way of doing better.  We all need to yield to our partners – sometimes more than we would like to.  But so long as that yielding is based in principle, then this can be a source of strength for you, rather than submission.

I suggest in The ADHD Effect on Marriage that partners get in touch with their boundaries or – perhaps a more accurate description - values.  When we are confident we know what’s really important to us, it’s much easier to bend and yield in other areas without feeling bereft for doing so.

 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. Next session begins Fall 2015.

Recovering Inti macy in Your Relationship - This new phone seminar, designed to help couples become more intimate on every level, began on May 5th.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you on ADHDmarriage.com.  It can literally change your life!

“I know it’s too late…I should have given you a reason to stay.” - Death Cab for Cutie

One of the mistakes that struggling couples make is that they focus so much on the things they need to fix that they forget what it is like to share their dreams about the future.  Having those positive conversations together provides inspiration to keep working…which can be much more motivating that simply trying to make changes just because you feel obligated to.

Make sure that you and your partner discuss and continue to stay in touch with your reasons to stay together.  Celebrate them…let them inspire you forward.

 

Starting Tuesday, May 5th: Is it time to recover the loving, adult closeness you so cherish?  This multi-week seminar will get you going with practical and immediately useful information, tools, and weekly exercises designed to strengthen your affection and connections.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. Next session begins Fall 2015.

 

Recovering Inti macy in Your Relationship - This new seminar, designed to help couples become more intimate on every level, will be given by phone conference call and will begin on May 5th.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you on ADHDmarriage.com.  It can literally change your life!

“Let Go” - sticky note permanently pasted to my computer”

I’ve heard it said that ADHD adults often find themselves paired with non-ADHD partners who have significant anxiety.  Personally, I think this isn’t quite accurate – I, for example, did not start out an anxious person, but living with a partner with undiagnosed ADHD for many years increased my anxiety to a point where it now definitely plays a role in our relationship.

As a result, I’ve developed some coping strategies to diminish feelings of anxiety, including reminding myself with this ‘let go’ note, which I see every day!  I’ve decided to “be like Teflon” rather than “sticky like Velcro” and that letting things go really helps support positive feelings in my relationship.  Note that I’m not talking about disliking things and saying nothing…I’m talking about actually letting go of feeling disgruntled all the time.

How much could you gain by ‘letting go’ more often?

 

Is it time to recover the loving, adult closeness you so cherish?  This multi-week seminar will get you going with practical and immediately useful information, tools, and weekly exercises designed to strengthen your affection and connections. Starts May 5th.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. Next session begins Fall 2015.

Recovering Inti macy in Your Relationship - This new seminar, designed to help couples become closer on every level, will be given by phone conference call and begins on May 5th.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you on ADHDmarriage.com.  It can literally change your life!

“Try not to become a person of success, but rather try to become a person of value.” - Albert Einstein

We are, Einstein is trying to say, defined by who we are more than what we do.  An interesting idea coming from a man who is so well known for what he did!

In relationships impacted by ADHD it is too easy to fall into patterns that judge partners for what they ‘do’ or, often, what they ‘don’t do,’ forgetting all the positive things about who each partner is.  I’m always thrilled when I ask “what do you love about your partner?” and given a long list of wonderful personal qualities…and saddened that those qualities are often overshadowed by ADHD-impacted lack of ‘doing.’

What are the characteristics that each of you has that makes you a person of value, rather than a person of success?  If you aren’t sure, then this could be a great area of conversation for the two of you.

 

Is it time to recover the loving, adult closeness you so cherish?  This multi-week seminar will get you going with practical and immediately useful information, tools, and weekly exercises designed to strengthen your affection and connections. Starts May 5th.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. Next session begins Fall 2015.

 

Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - This new seminar, designed to help couples become more intimate on every level, will be given by phone conference call and will begin on May 5th.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you on ADHDmarriage.com.  It can literally change your life!

“Here’s to a wonderful 2015, filled with lots of Todays and very few Somedays.” - a Friend

A friend sent this to me in her annual New Years letter.  What a wonderful way to think about grabbing the best you can out of life every day, rather than waiting for a tomorrow that may or may not ever come to fruition.  Dreams are good, to be sure.  They provide us with direction and hope.  But if you focus on tomorrow too much, you risk missing what today is already bringing you.

Live your Todays so they are rich, varied and filled with happiness.  And then add in the somedays…

 

Is it time to recover the intimacy you so cherish?  Starting May 5th, this multi-week Intimacy seminar will get you going with practical and immediately useful information, tools, and weekly exercises designed to strengthen your connections.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. Next session begins Fall 2015.

 

Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - This new seminar, designed to help couples become more intimate on every level, will be given by phone conference call and will begin on May 5th.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you on ADHDmarriage.com.  It can literally change your life!