Weekly Marriage Tips

“I have learnt…to conserve my anger, and as heat conserved is transmuted into energy, even so our anger controlled can be transmuted into a power which can move the world.” -Mahatma Gandhi

We all get angry, even Gandhi.  The question is, what do we do with that anger?

Anger is an emotion that should be noticed and accepted like any other – it simply alerts us that something is amiss in our lives.  By itself, it’s not bad.  But anger hurts us (and our relationships) when we vent it rather than use it productively.  The idea that it’s good to ‘vent our anger’ to get it our of our system is simply wrong – it forgets that someone we care about is on the receiving end of that anger, and you can do real damage by venting…damage that inevitably bounces right back at you.

I’m not suggesting you squash your anger.  Rather, to paraphrase Gandhi, conserve it and then transmute it into power with which you can change your world.  Use your anger as a motivator to make the changes you need to make to improve your own life.  When you speak constructively, your partner is more likely to join in, too.  It’s easier to be sympathetic to someone who calmly shares their pain and anger than it is to work with someone who has just raked you over the coals.

If you experience anger in your relationship, it’s time to start thinking about how you can ‘transmute that anger into power which can move your world.’

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session will start January 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“When you talk you are only repeating what you already know.  But when you listen you might learn something new.” - attributed alternately to the Dalai Lama, author J.P. McEvoy, and Jared Sparks, President of Harvard (1849-53)

Okay, so we don’t know who to attribute this quote to, but it’s a good one.  Listening is a critical skill if you want to really learn something about, and get along with, your partner.  It’s particularly important when you are as different as ADHD and non-ADHD partners can be.

I’ll admit it – I often don’t understand my husband’s logic.  We’ve been married 26 years and I STILL don’t always understand it (though I have grown more used to anticipating it…) I used to spend a lot of time trying to convince him that my logic was more sound than his.  If I just talked with him enough about how I felt or how I thought something should be done, surely he would come around and see that I was right!

He didn’t buy it.  His logic is rooted firmly in his experiences and the way he is in the world. Rather than try to convince him to think differently (or be different) what I should have been doing was listening to him and learning all I could about him.  Ditto for him listening to me.  His general feeling was that my logic flow was illogical...and pedantic!  Simply listening and accepting that we think differently would have enabled the two of us to accept our differences a long time ago and then negotiate with mutual respect.  If I had to do it all over again, this change from ‘convincing’ to ‘listening’ would be one of the most important changes I would make.

How do you and your partner do in this department?  Are you ‘convincers’ or ‘listeners’?

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:  ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.

Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“The truth is, change doesn’t always feel great.  It can be scary, intense, challenging.  It can strain relationships.  It can upset the equilibrium…” - Pilar Gerasimo, Editor of Experience Life Magazine

Some of the singly most intense periods of my life have come in the midst really significant shifts in direction in my relationship with my husband.  We’ve had a number of these.  In the end, the change we’ve created – and the very, very significant learning about each other that we’ve gained in that period of change – has contributed to the strength of our connection.  But, oh boy!  That change can be so hard!

There’s the stress of the unknown future (“Can we withstand the pressure?”)  There’s fear (“What will happen to my life if everything falls apart?”)  There’s grief (“Why did we get here?  Why couldn’t we do better?”)  And there are the really intense conversations – some with anger, some with tears.

I have learned, over the years, that intensity is not an indicator of whether or not we will succeed or fail.  In fact, in my experience, a certain kind of (non-angry) intensity usually indicates that a brighter future may await.  To find that future, one must not let intensity scare you…rather, think of it as an indication that change is happening.  Focus, instead, on making that intensity work for you by managing anger and staying constructive.

New Seminar! Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - begins November 10. Become more intimate on every level!

The seminar consists of four sessions, with an optional fifth session on Recovering from Affairs and Deception. It includes course exercises (roughly one hour per week) and recordings of all sessions. All questions will be answered and shared.

Is it time to recover the intimacy you so cherish? Learn more here.  "We took your class and I could write you a “chapter” on how much you helped me."

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - began October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - begins November 10 - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“Judging is a form of resistance and can keep negative mental patterns and habits in place.  Awareness has a neutralizing, freeing effect.” - Marie Forleo

Do you judge your partner?  And if so, when you are judging your partner are you thinking negative thoughts?  I bet so.

Last summer I took one meditation class – just to see what it was about.  As it turned out, the focus was on noticing your thoughts and letting them go by you without judgment.  The instructor gave the example of being sideswiped by a child on a bike.  “You could react negatively and judge that boy as careless,” the instructor said.  “If you did, you might yell at him.  Or, you could notice he had grazed you and let the thought pass, going on about your life without the negative interaction.”

That story stayed with me.  What would happen if I incorporated that idea into my everyday life?  If I replaced my negative judgments with an ability to notice and let go?

And so I have tried to do just that.  And the result in my relationship has been dramatic.  My husband, who had many years of my judging his actions as difficult and even inadequate, now has a vastly different experience.  He now feels accepted in the moment, while also knowing that if something sticks – even though I have tried to let it flow past me – I will try to find a good time to talk with him about it.

I will eventually explore this type of meditation further so I may hone my ability to be at peace with what happens around me.  In the meantime, just thinking in this way has smoothed out many of my days.

What would happen if you started letting things flow past you?

Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - begins November 10 - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. The seminar consists of four sessions, with an optional fifth session on Recovering from Affairs and Deception. Logistics: I will send you the calling instructions and first session materials about 48 hours in advance of the first session.  I recommend blocking out about one hour a week for doing course exercises.  Some couples find it useful to schedule an 'appointment' to do this at the same time.

All sessions are recorded so that if you miss a class you can listen to it before the following session. All questions will be answered and shared.

Is it time to recover the intimacy you so cherish?

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Just started on October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Begins November 10 - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“Doing nothing can actually be substantially more rewarding than many of the ‘somethings’ that make up normal life.” - Heidi Wachter

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a huge, long list of things they ‘need’ to do.  These ‘somethings’ will easily rule our lives, if we let them.

Not too long ago, my husband and I were hiking near San Francisco when he happened to spot a shady bench that overlooked an amazing vista of hills and mountains.  We sat down and just held hands.  Then my husband, who had not slept long the night before, put his head in my lap and fell asleep.

While I was sitting there I realized that it might be the first time in years when I was sitting down for a stretch of time, and doing absolutely nothing.  Not even planning to do anything!  Just sitting. With my hands gently on my husband’s chest and head as he breathed in and out.

It felt wonderful.

As I age I look back at all of the ‘somethings’ that have ruled my life – particularly around taking care of children and homes – and realize that my husband and I have not had enough time together ‘doing nothing.’  We should have taken more time for that!

In the future I suspect we will do more.  We will still exercise like crazy because we love to…but have been reminded that ‘nothing’ really is ‘something’ worthwhile.

Next Live Session Starts Tuesday!

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Live Seminar begins October 6 and Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship begins November 10.  Logistics: call the phone number, from two locations if you need to, and follow along with the materials I will send to you the day before.  I record each session and send you the link the next day so you can keep it for future use or listen to it if you missed the live session.  Very simple – no technical hassles.

Participants get multiple opportunities to send me written questions…and I answer and share them ALL by the end of the course.

The course also includes optional - because not everyone is ready to do the homework - worksheets, readings, etc.

Are you ready to improve your relationship? This course has helped many, many couples.  Read their testimonials at the bottom of the seminar page.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Beginning October 6, this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Beginning November 10, this new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“I think we simply need to ask ourselves if we’re choosing joy and choosing life with a capital L, or choosing fear that’s packaged to look like good habits.” - Marc David, Institute for the Psychology of Eating

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Live session begins November 10 - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“Embracing our inherent vulnerability is one of the best ways to break the cycle of fear and self-preoccupation.  This can be as simple as accepting help from others when we need it…We think we should be in charge all the time, that we should always be in control…it’s just not true.” -Sharon Salzburg, meditation teacher and author

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“A realistic way to maintain a positive attitude is to realize that, while things don’t always go according to our hopes and projections, most of our worries don’t pan out, either.  Things almost never turn out to be as bad as we anticipate they will be.” - Oliver Burkeman, author The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking as reported by Jon Spayde

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“When there are so many things we ‘should’ do and ‘have to’ do, we are stating our belief that we don’t have any choice in the matter.  When we use the language of obligation, we cast ourselves as victims in our own stories.  The truth is, you actually do things because you intend to, because you want to, because you choose to.  Even the things you don’t necessarily love doing.” - Steve Chandler, master coach and author of 30 books, including 100 Ways to Motivate Yourself

As adults, we do exactly what we want to do.  Really, we do - even as we might be saying we don’t wish to do it!  Don’t trap yourself into feeling a victim by using words of obligation, such as “I have to” or “my partner gives me no other option.”  You always have another option!  Instead, say “I choose to (fill in the blank).”  When you do, what insights does it give you into your motivations?  And into your options?

For example, I commonly hear “I have to nag my partner because otherwise nothing would get done around here!”  Except you don’t!  What happens when you say “I choose to nag my partner because that’s the way I choose to get things done around here!”  That’s more accurate, in fact.  And it shines a light on your choice.  Do you really wish to nag?  Or would you prefer to choose another way to communicate your concern and encourage your partner to get things done?  And for that matter, how do you think your partner feels about your nagging?  Does knowing you choose to nag instead of treat him or her with more respect endear you to your partner?

Once you start realizing that your actions are choices – even when they are in response to someone else – you can stop feeling victimized.  Which is always a better way to be in a relationship.

None of this happens over night. But making time in your schedule for exercise, making mindful choices and meditation have long-term, physiological benefits. Can you create more time for one or more of these activities?

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“One thing to watch out for is the belief that your transformation will bring you external validation, fame, or love.  Placing our ability to feel worthy or loved outside ourselves is a recipe for disaster.” - Marie Forleo

Too many partners, and particularly ADHD partners in my observation, look to someone else to help them feel good about themselves.  This is a mistake!  Instead, when you seek change within yourself (for example, learning to become more organized or patient) remember that the person who benefits the most is yourself.  In fact, a great way to think about it is that you create these changes because they will improve your life forever moving forward.  Greater organization makes your life easier in every aspect (even as it takes effort to stay organized.)  Being organized frees up time to focus on what you really want to do because you don’t waste time looking for keys or re-doing a project you lost track of.  Becoming more patient probably strengthens your relationships, plus you don’t have to spend extra time patching up misunderstandings and hard feelings.

We all can improve how we are in the world…but make sure that when you do so, the only person from whom you seek approval is yourself!

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!