Weekly Marriage Tips

“Doing nothing can actually be substantially more rewarding than many of the ‘somethings’ that make up normal life.” - Heidi Wachter

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a huge, long list of things they ‘need’ to do.  These ‘somethings’ will easily rule our lives, if we let them.

Not too long ago, my husband and I were hiking near San Francisco when he happened to spot a shady bench that overlooked an amazing vista of hills and mountains.  We sat down and just held hands.  Then my husband, who had not slept long the night before, put his head in my lap and fell asleep.

While I was sitting there I realized that it might be the first time in years when I was sitting down for a stretch of time, and doing absolutely nothing.  Not even planning to do anything!  Just sitting. With my hands gently on my husband’s chest and head as he breathed in and out.

It felt wonderful.

As I age I look back at all of the ‘somethings’ that have ruled my life – particularly around taking care of children and homes – and realize that my husband and I have not had enough time together ‘doing nothing.’  We should have taken more time for that!

In the future I suspect we will do more.  We will still exercise like crazy because we love to…but have been reminded that ‘nothing’ really is ‘something’ worthwhile.

 

Next Live Session Starts Tuesday!

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Live Seminar begins October 6 and Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship begins November 10.  Logistics: call the phone number, from two locations if you need to, and follow along with the materials I will send to you the day before.  I record each session and send you the link the next day so you can keep it for future use or listen to it if you missed the live session.  Very simple – no technical hassles.

Participants get multiple opportunities to send me written questions…and I answer and share them ALL by the end of the course.

The course also includes optional - because not everyone is ready to do the homework - worksheets, readings, etc.

Are you ready to improve your relationship? This course has helped many, many couples.  Read their testimonials at the bottom of the seminar page.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Beginning October 6, this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Beginning November 10, this new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“I think we simply need to ask ourselves if we’re choosing joy and choosing life with a capital L, or choosing fear that’s packaged to look like good habits.” - Marc David, Institute for the Psychology of Eating

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Live session begins November 10 - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“Embracing our inherent vulnerability is one of the best ways to break the cycle of fear and self-preoccupation.  This can be as simple as accepting help from others when we need it…We think we should be in charge all the time, that we should always be in control…it’s just not true.” -Sharon Salzburg, meditation teacher and author

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“A realistic way to maintain a positive attitude is to realize that, while things don’t always go according to our hopes and projections, most of our worries don’t pan out, either.  Things almost never turn out to be as bad as we anticipate they will be.” - Oliver Burkeman, author The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking as reported by Jon Spayde

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“When there are so many things we ‘should’ do and ‘have to’ do, we are stating our belief that we don’t have any choice in the matter.  When we use the language of obligation, we cast ourselves as victims in our own stories.  The truth is, you actually do things because you intend to, because you want to, because you choose to.  Even the things you don’t necessarily love doing.” - Steve Chandler, master coach and author of 30 books, including 100 Ways to Motivate Yourself

As adults, we do exactly what we want to do.  Really, we do - even as we might be saying we don’t wish to do it!  Don’t trap yourself into feeling a victim by using words of obligation, such as “I have to” or “my partner gives me no other option.”  You always have another option!  Instead, say “I choose to (fill in the blank).”  When you do, what insights does it give you into your motivations?  And into your options?

For example, I commonly hear “I have to nag my partner because otherwise nothing would get done around here!”  Except you don’t!  What happens when you say “I choose to nag my partner because that’s the way I choose to get things done around here!”  That’s more accurate, in fact.  And it shines a light on your choice.  Do you really wish to nag?  Or would you prefer to choose another way to communicate your concern and encourage your partner to get things done?  And for that matter, how do you think your partner feels about your nagging?  Does knowing you choose to nag instead of treat him or her with more respect endear you to your partner?

Once you start realizing that your actions are choices – even when they are in response to someone else – you can stop feeling victimized.  Which is always a better way to be in a relationship.

None of this happens over night. But making time in your schedule for exercise, making mindful choices and meditation have long-term, physiological benefits. Can you create more time for one or more of these activities?

 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“One thing to watch out for is the belief that your transformation will bring you external validation, fame, or love.  Placing our ability to feel worthy or loved outside ourselves is a recipe for disaster.” - Marie Forleo

Too many partners, and particularly ADHD partners in my observation, look to someone else to help them feel good about themselves.  This is a mistake!  Instead, when you seek change within yourself (for example, learning to become more organized or patient) remember that the person who benefits the most is yourself.  In fact, a great way to think about it is that you create these changes because they will improve your life forever moving forward.  Greater organization makes your life easier in every aspect (even as it takes effort to stay organized.)  Being organized frees up time to focus on what you really want to do because you don’t waste time looking for keys or re-doing a project you lost track of.  Becoming more patient probably strengthens your relationships, plus you don’t have to spend extra time patching up misunderstandings and hard feelings.

We all can improve how we are in the world…but make sure that when you do so, the only person from whom you seek approval is yourself!

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“For every dark night of the soul there is a sunrise, a brightening of the inner landscape. Smiles always follow tears. Joy will find a way, if I let it, to push up and out, through the rich, dark loam of heartache…” - Katrina Kenison

“If I let it…”  These words are critical.  Are you seeking joy?  Or even letting it ‘push out, through the rich, dark loam of heartache?’  I remember all of the years in which my husband and I struggled.  Part of our problem in recovering was that as hopelessness took over – as we both started to feel that the issues were intractable – we have trouble finding the energy to seek joy together.  Now, many years later, I think couples who seek patience with the chaos of their lives, and who continue to pursue joy at least as often as they seek to remediate weaknesses, do the best.

In other words, maintaining an optimistic (or even neutral) outlook can really help you live more peacefully even if your life is crazy busy.  Are there simple ways you might be able to open up to let joy ‘push out’ through your heartache?  For me, taking time to think each day about what I am grateful for can help, as does regular exercise.  And I’m guessing you can add your own ideas…

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“Energy invested (in a relationship) in the past doesn’t promise a return in the future.  When deciding if a relationship should continue, look at the value it brings to the present and the predicted value in the future, not the investments already made.” - Lisa Arends, author of “Lessons from the End of a Marriage”

“I’ve worked so hard on this relationship!” I hear, with some frequency.  The (unspoken) rest of the sentence is “…so everything should be fixed by now!”  Sadly, this isn’t the way relationships work for several reasons:

• You might have been spinning your wheels – to move forward, both partners must be participating in change.  One partner cannot do it alone, no matter how much energy has been invested.
• You might have been ‘trying harder’ (i.e. doing the same things that don’t work, only more so) rather than ‘trying differently’ (i.e. using strategies shown to help couples impacted by ADHD)
• Sometimes the very effort one expends makes things worse, such as when a non-ADHD partner starts to nag to get an ADHD partner to do things

So energy expended in the past does not indicate what should happen today or in the future.  Instead, look at your shared dreams and look at whether or not you are poised to have some wonderful todays.  This will help you keep up the stamina needed for today’s investment of energy and the building of your best future together.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.

  

  Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“It’s only when we give to ourselves as passionately as we give of ourselves that we create the life we want and deserve.” - Suze Orman

Orman typically talks about money (and was doing so with this quote, too) but I think her idea is very relevant for relationships.  Too often partners – and women in particular – focus so much on giving to others in their lives that they forget to take care of themselves.

Here are just a few of the ideas women have shared with me about how they take care of themselves: reset weekends away from the family; creating a private quiet zone in their home to which they can escape; ‘shopping therapy’; taking courses that excite them; exercising; changing their diets; writing and more.

What have you done lately that serves only one purpose – to take care of yourself?

 

Last Chance for Discount - To celebrate the Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD 2 book awards! ...a Gold award for Best Psychology Book of 2014 from Foreword Reviews and the Silver Benjamin Franklin Award for psychology from the IBPA (Independent Book Publishers Association), I'm offering $5 off the audiobook until August 1st - use coupon code AWARD at checkout.

Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD on ADHDMarriage.com, including:
An online treatment overview;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Referrals;
and my very popular couples courses:
   ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship;
   Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) and is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“As Shakespeare’s character Polonius said in the play Hamlet, “This above all: to thine own self be true.” In trying to be like everyone else, I waged an inner battle, and the biggest loser was me.” - Zoe Kessler, author of ADHD According to Zoe: The Real Deal on Relationships, Finding Your Focus, and Finding Your Keys

Zoe Kessler points out an interesting conundrum in the experience of living with ADHD – that others often wish you to be like everyone else (i.e. non-ADHD) but that there is a huge cost to pursuing this path.  Instead, it is much healthier to be true to the best of who you are.  That does NOT mean don’t address ADHD symptoms – often these symptoms get in the way of your really thriving (for example, poor organizational skills might mean you miss out on job opportunities or family events that you might love!)  But Kessler is suggesting that trying to conform (or even become more organized!) has very real limits.  We are all – whether we have ADHD or not – best served when we learn to love ourselves.

 

Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards! ...a Gold award for Best Psychology Book of 2014 from Foreword Reviews and the Silver Benjamin Franklin Award for psychology from the IBPA (Independent Book Publishers Association). To celebrate, I'm offering $5 off the audiobook until August 1st - use coupon code AWARD at checkout.

Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD on ADHDMarriage.com, including:
an online treatment overview;
downloadable chapters of my books;
a community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
a large number of blog posts on various topics;
referrals;
and my very popular couples courses:

   ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship;
   Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) and is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!