Weekly Marriage Tips

“Life is short, and all we have to offer, in the end, is love.” - Steve Almond

Anyone who has suffered a serious illness, such as cancer, will tell you that it forces you to face up to this idea – life is short. The good news is that doing so can help you re-evaluate your life in major ways. Is this the work I want? What will be my ‘legacy?’ Am I spending time with the people I love most? How can I make every day count? These are just a few of the questions cancer survivors ask.

But why wait for the disaster of major illness? Wouldn’t we all benefit if we asked these questions? And if we did, how would our lives change?

In my own case, facing the idea that life is short helped me assess how I want to be living the rest of my life (making each day an adventure of some sort; focusing on my deepest relationships) as well as provided direction on how I want to act each day. This includes finding things each day for which I am grateful; no longer playing the role of ‘family manager’; seeking a better balance between autonomy and connectedness with my husband; and spending a great deal more energy on healthy eating and exercise.

How would your daily actions change if you had confronted the fact that life, truly, is short?

 

We are looking for partners with ADHD and partners without ADHD to share your responses in this very important ADHD Relationship Sex Survey created by Ari Tuckman, PsyD, MBA. The research will help counselors understand how to better help couples impacted by adult ADHD. There is no research data on this important topic...but there should be! As a survey participant, you will be the first to receive the results and be entered in a raffle. Your opinions and experience are important - I hope you will share them with us by taking this ADHD Relationship Sex Survey. Thank you.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - This new seminar, designed to help couples become more intimate on every level, will be given by phone conference call and is tentatively set to begin on May 5th, lasting for about 5 weeks.  If you are interested in this topic, please contact me, and I will email you when the final dates and syllabus are available.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

I will be in London on March 25. Learn more here.

“Dear ‘Whatever Doesn’t Kill Me’…I’m strong enough now, thanks!” - Facebook post

I laughed out loud when I read this post!  Because, truly, doesn’t life feel like this sometimes?  Relentlessly throwing sh*t your direction until you feel as if you can’t take any more?!

But there is something in that old “whatever doesn’t kill me” adage – because every challenge does present an opportunity to learn and grow.  The most important issue, I think, is what we choose to learn and in what direction we choose to grow.  Because most often, we do have a choice.  Do we choose to focus on the negative, or on our own or partner’s failings?  Or do we choose to seek the positive?

I’m a big believer in the second approach.  When we choose to seek the positive, we are more likely to end up with something we like.

 

I will be in London on March 25. Learn more here.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

 

Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - This new seminar, designed to help couples become more intimate on every level, will be given by phone conference call and is tentatively set to begin on May 5th, lasting for about 5 weeks.  If you are interested in this topic, please contact me, and I will email you when the final dates and syllabus are available.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“Only a mediocre person is always at his best.” - W. Somerset Maugham

If you’re a “type A” person like me, you’re probably used to setting some pretty high standards for yourself and your partner.  But what I’ve been learning lately is that this is not always a good thing.  First, we shouldn’t be setting standards for our partner – they get to do that!  Otherwise we are in the position of ‘judging’ whether they meet our standards – and that’s not conducive to intimacy.

Second, if we think we must always ‘be at our best’ we have only two real options – fail some of the time (and then are you disappointed?!) or lower our standards enough so that we don’t fail…which, as this week’s quote suggests, may lead to mediocrity.

Instead, I suggest we allow that failure is a good thing – it means that we are striving to do better (or at least differently!)  Further, forgiving yourself and your partner for failure is an important part of a healthy relationship – particularly when ADHD is in the mix.

Are you able to let go of your own – and your partner’s – failures?

The next live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts NEXT WEEK - February 17th! Learn more here.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. The next session begins February 17th.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” - Buddha

I have recently undergone a lot of soul searching about self-love…and have found it a wonderful experience.  Because, quite frankly, it’s way too easy to spend a whole lot of energy thinking about how to better love your partner and forget about what it means to love yourself.  If you find yourself in that situation, as I did, you are losing out.

For each person self-love means different things.  My approach to self-love will likely change as my circumstances change, but here are a few things that I decided to do differently, right now, to love myself better:
-    Pay more attention to my body – lots more exercise; far better diet; resolve some health issues; dress in ways that make me feel good, rather than Boston frumpy (those of you who live here know of what I speak!)
-    Overtly de-stress my life – find the optimal work/life balance; exercise; learn to meditate; spend more time on personal connections
-    Learn to say ‘no’
-    Live with a sense of adventure and gratitude.  Seek out new experiences and knowledge.
-    Seek laughter and fun.

What could you do to love yourself better?

The next live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts February 17th! Learn more here.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. The next session begins February 17th.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.” - Oprah Winfrey on Twitter

One of the challenges of working with couples is to get them to see that the process of improving their relationship is not about ‘fixing their partner’ but about addressing their own issues.  People get this concept intellectually, but it is really hard to let go of the idea emotionally.  ADHD partners often think the non-ADHD partner’s anger is really the issue, while non-ADHD partners are likely to blame their partner’s ADHD.

These attitudes leave them stuck.  You can’t make your partner ‘better.’  You can only make yourself better.  And, as Oprah suggests, this is a process of making yourself better than you were yesterday – it’s one day at a time.

What could you do better today than yesterday?

For those of you in the Seattle, WA area, The Hallowell Todaro Center and ADD Resources have invited me to speak on Monday, February 9th about strengthening intimacy.  Learn more here.

The next live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts February 17th! Learn more here.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. The next session begins February 17th.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“The story of human intimacy is one of constantly allowing ourselves to see those we love most deeply in a new, more fractured light.  Look hard.  Risk that.” - Cheryl Strayed

No one ever really talked with me about how love changes over the course of a long-term relationship, but I sort of wish I had known more about it!  Strayed’s idea – that we see our partners in a more ‘fractured light’ is a very interesting way to think about the strength we can gain from long-term love.  We start thinking our partner – and our relationship – are perfect.  Then we learn better.  And over the years we see more and more facets – positive and negative - of our partner and ourselves.

This can be scary stuff.  What do you do with the idea that your partner is capable of betrayal?  Or that her work record is more spotty than you expected?  How about the times when you feel resentment – perhaps even hate - and don’t act on it in ways that you feel proud of?

I would agree with Strayed – learning who we are at a deeper level is a risk, but well worth it.  We are infinitely more complex than we thought when we first met…and constantly changing.  But that is good.  I like that my husband sees the good and the bad in me and is still around to talk about it.  I like that I can see him more accurately for who he is and still feel deep love for him.  This is reassuring, even as it can be hard to digest sometimes.

What sort of ‘fractured light’ have you benefited from in your relationship?

 

For those of you in the Seattle, WA area, The Hallowell Todaro Center and ADD Resources have invited me to speak on Monday, February 9th about strengthening intimacy.  Learn more here.

The next live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts February 17th! Learn more here.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. The next session begins February 17th. Learn more here.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“I could say day and you would say night
Tell me it’s black when I know it’s white
Always the same, it’s just a shame, that’s all” - Genesis

This is one of the great break up songs of my youth, but I’m not writing about break ups here.  Rather, I’m interested in the vast differences between those with ADHD and those without, and how we often spend WAY too much time arguing about the small stuff, and not focusing on the positives.  We argue, sometimes, because it has become a habit – ‘always the same, it’s just a shame.’

But what about the positives of your differences?  That differences can bring spice and joy to you both?  What if we could let the habit of bickering and power struggles go and focus on the more important fact that there is love in the relationship?  Wouldn’t it be great to focus on the way that you uniquely approach the areas of common ground between you?  Maybe you share a love of adventure, but one loves the planning while the other loves the execution.  Maybe you both share parenting values, but one person loves the strong daily connections with the kids, while the other better tolerates shorter blocks of time and play?

If you are in the habit of bickering with your partner, what strength could you find by seeking out common ground – even if you have different opinions and approaches?

 

Melissa will be speaking in Seattle, WA on February 9, at the Hallowell Todaro Center, and also giving a rare in-person couples seminar. Learn more here.

The next live couples seminar starts February 17th! Learn more here.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. The next session begins February 17th. Learn more here.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“Oh the things you can find
if you don’t stay behind.” - Dr. Seuss

Red fish, blue fish, one fish…oh, wait, that’s the wrong story!

How much fun was it to read Dr. Seuss’ stories when we were growing up? And to ‘see’ the wisdom behind his words, too? In this case, he’s talking about being ‘open’ to new adventures and experiences. This quote struck me because I have just come out of about a three-year period in my life in which I was open to some new things (learning to play the cello being at the top of the list) but was definitely NOT open to everything life was sending my way. Under stress, my life shrank and my relationship suffered as my husband felt he couldn’t approach me easily.

Who wants that?! No, really…that is a serious question. Research suggests that remaining open to the ideas and opportunities that we are all bombarded with can mean the difference between success and mediocrity. In a relationship, I think that means being fearless about hearing what our partners want to tell us – even if that information is hard to hear. What we ‘find’ when we do this is deeper and more meaningful connections with our partner.

 

Melissa will be speaking in New York City tomorrow, January 8th, 6:30pm at West End Collegiate Church, 245 W. 77th St. More information about events is at the events page.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar.  This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.” - Carlos Castenada

Think about how exhausting it is when you fight with your partner. Or when you feel under complete stress in your relationship. I think Castenada has it right here – it isn’t ‘easier’ to make ourselves miserable in terms of workload, only easier in terms of direction. When you are struggling, ‘doing nothing’ or digging into your position feels ‘easier’ than creating an intentional relationship in which you put in the hard work to be more in tune with your partner.

But that would be the wrong emphasis – because you end up with something untenable, rather than fulfilling. So, if the amount of work is the same, and the outcome of one direction is better than the other, what could you do – right now – to make yourself stronger?

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

Melissa will be speaking in New York City on January 8, and in Seattle, WA on February 10. Information about events is at the events page.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you on the ADHD and Marriage website. It can literally change your life!

“Love is a verb.... Love in a long term marriage isn't something you say, but love is what you do.” - a friend

Every marriage contains significant tests of love and courage, and mine is no exception. I can write about relationships all day long, but what matters at our house is what I DO each day to make my life happier, and my relationship stronger. Love, truly, is a verb…and sometimes the actions needed to demonstrate my love take courage to implement. That’s okay. Sure, wouldn’t it be great if we were never tested? But then, is there such a relationship? Really?

How could you better act on your love? Ensure that love remains a verb at your house? Could you seek ways to be more patient or empathetic? Could you learn how to hold your tongue rather than critique? Could you spend more time getting your ADHD treatment optimized as a demonstration that you hear your partner’s distress?

It’s worth some self-reflection AND some loving actions to find out.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD has been selected by ADDitude Magazine as a Great Gift Idea for Adults with ADHD. Available in Audio Book and Kindle, it explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you. It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website