Weekly Marriage Tips

“Compassion isn’t about solutions.  It’s about giving all the love you’ve got.” - Cheryl Strayed

Compassion and acceptance are about giving all the love you’ve got.  Managing ADHD symptoms so you can both thrive is about creating plans and finding solutions.  BOTH need to be present in your relationship if you are going to succeed.

If you’re reading this, you are probably already thinking in terms of solutions.  Are you also following through on giving all the love you’ve got?

 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses, given by phone, so anyone may participate: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship and Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - a new seminar designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. If you wish to be notified when the Fall 2015 course dates are set, please send me a note using this contact form.

Learn more about my two award winning books: The ADHD Effect on Marriage and The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you on ADHDmarriage.com.  It can literally change your life!

“The ability to yield, to bend, to give way, to accommodate,” he said, “was sometimes a source of strength in men as well as in wood, so long as it was helmed by inner resolve and by principle.” - Master crew shell builder, George Pocock, as reported in Boys in the Boat

I am sometimes asked whether acquiescing to a partner’s specific needs (be they emotional or related to ADHD symptoms) isn’t just a form of giving in. Sometimes it is, but often it is not.  Pocock’s idea about accommodation as a source of strength as long as it is guided by inner principle provides insight into how to distinguish between acquiescing in a negative way, and bending in strength as a way of doing better.  We all need to yield to our partners – sometimes more than we would like to.  But so long as that yielding is based in principle, then this can be a source of strength for you, rather than submission.

I suggest in The ADHD Effect on Marriage that partners get in touch with their boundaries or – perhaps a more accurate description - values.  When we are confident we know what’s really important to us, it’s much easier to bend and yield in other areas without feeling bereft for doing so.

 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. Next session begins Fall 2015.

Recovering Inti macy in Your Relationship - This new phone seminar, designed to help couples become more intimate on every level, began on May 5th.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you on ADHDmarriage.com.  It can literally change your life!

“I know it’s too late…I should have given you a reason to stay.” - Death Cab for Cutie

One of the mistakes that struggling couples make is that they focus so much on the things they need to fix that they forget what it is like to share their dreams about the future.  Having those positive conversations together provides inspiration to keep working…which can be much more motivating that simply trying to make changes just because you feel obligated to.

Make sure that you and your partner discuss and continue to stay in touch with your reasons to stay together.  Celebrate them…let them inspire you forward.

 

Starting Tuesday, May 5th: Is it time to recover the loving, adult closeness you so cherish?  This multi-week seminar will get you going with practical and immediately useful information, tools, and weekly exercises designed to strengthen your affection and connections.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. Next session begins Fall 2015.

 

Recovering Inti macy in Your Relationship - This new seminar, designed to help couples become more intimate on every level, will be given by phone conference call and will begin on May 5th.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you on ADHDmarriage.com.  It can literally change your life!

“Let Go” - sticky note permanently pasted to my computer”

I’ve heard it said that ADHD adults often find themselves paired with non-ADHD partners who have significant anxiety.  Personally, I think this isn’t quite accurate – I, for example, did not start out an anxious person, but living with a partner with undiagnosed ADHD for many years increased my anxiety to a point where it now definitely plays a role in our relationship.

As a result, I’ve developed some coping strategies to diminish feelings of anxiety, including reminding myself with this ‘let go’ note, which I see every day!  I’ve decided to “be like Teflon” rather than “sticky like Velcro” and that letting things go really helps support positive feelings in my relationship.  Note that I’m not talking about disliking things and saying nothing…I’m talking about actually letting go of feeling disgruntled all the time.

How much could you gain by ‘letting go’ more often?

 

Is it time to recover the loving, adult closeness you so cherish?  This multi-week seminar will get you going with practical and immediately useful information, tools, and weekly exercises designed to strengthen your affection and connections. Starts May 5th.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. Next session begins Fall 2015.

Recovering Inti macy in Your Relationship - This new seminar, designed to help couples become closer on every level, will be given by phone conference call and begins on May 5th.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you on ADHDmarriage.com.  It can literally change your life!

“Try not to become a person of success, but rather try to become a person of value.” - Albert Einstein

We are, Einstein is trying to say, defined by who we are more than what we do.  An interesting idea coming from a man who is so well known for what he did!

In relationships impacted by ADHD it is too easy to fall into patterns that judge partners for what they ‘do’ or, often, what they ‘don’t do,’ forgetting all the positive things about who each partner is.  I’m always thrilled when I ask “what do you love about your partner?” and given a long list of wonderful personal qualities…and saddened that those qualities are often overshadowed by ADHD-impacted lack of ‘doing.’

What are the characteristics that each of you has that makes you a person of value, rather than a person of success?  If you aren’t sure, then this could be a great area of conversation for the two of you.

 

Is it time to recover the loving, adult closeness you so cherish?  This multi-week seminar will get you going with practical and immediately useful information, tools, and weekly exercises designed to strengthen your affection and connections. Starts May 5th.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. Next session begins Fall 2015.

 

Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - This new seminar, designed to help couples become more intimate on every level, will be given by phone conference call and will begin on May 5th.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you on ADHDmarriage.com.  It can literally change your life!

“Here’s to a wonderful 2015, filled with lots of Todays and very few Somedays.” - a Friend

A friend sent this to me in her annual New Years letter.  What a wonderful way to think about grabbing the best you can out of life every day, rather than waiting for a tomorrow that may or may not ever come to fruition.  Dreams are good, to be sure.  They provide us with direction and hope.  But if you focus on tomorrow too much, you risk missing what today is already bringing you.

Live your Todays so they are rich, varied and filled with happiness.  And then add in the somedays…

 

Is it time to recover the intimacy you so cherish?  Starting May 5th, this multi-week Intimacy seminar will get you going with practical and immediately useful information, tools, and weekly exercises designed to strengthen your connections.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. Next session begins Fall 2015.

 

Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - This new seminar, designed to help couples become more intimate on every level, will be given by phone conference call and will begin on May 5th.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you on ADHDmarriage.com.  It can literally change your life!

“Many people think passion is a fuzzy feeling that makes taking action effortless.  In fact, it’s the gritty courage and tenacity to forge onward…” - Martha Beck

When we think about an athlete who performs with passion we think ‘intensity’ and ‘tenacity,’ yet when we think about romantic passion, we somehow assume that ‘it just sort of happens.’  Why is that?!  How many relationships could have been salvaged if partners did not make this assumption about ‘effortlessness?’  Aargh!

In my new phone seminar, Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship (starts May 5, click here for more details) I provide couples the tools they need to reconnect and reignite their intimate feelings for each other.  And one of the first things I intend to reinforce is this idea that recovering intimacy and passion takes courage!

 

Is it time to recover the intimacy you so cherish?  This multi-week Intimacy seminar will get you going with critical information, tools that work, and weekly exercises.  It's designed to provide you with practical and immediately useful information to strengthen your connections. Starts May 5th.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. Next session begins Fall 2015.

 

Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - This new seminar, designed to help couples become more intimate on every level, will be given by phone conference call and will begin on May 5th.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you on ADHDmarriage.com.  It can literally change your life!

“Life is short, and all we have to offer, in the end, is love.” - Steve Almond

Anyone who has suffered a serious illness, such as cancer, will tell you that it forces you to face up to this idea – life is short. The good news is that doing so can help you re-evaluate your life in major ways. Is this the work I want? What will be my ‘legacy?’ Am I spending time with the people I love most? How can I make every day count? These are just a few of the questions cancer survivors ask.

But why wait for the disaster of major illness? Wouldn’t we all benefit if we asked these questions? And if we did, how would our lives change?

In my own case, facing the idea that life is short helped me assess how I want to be living the rest of my life (making each day an adventure of some sort; focusing on my deepest relationships) as well as provided direction on how I want to act each day. This includes finding things each day for which I am grateful; no longer playing the role of ‘family manager’; seeking a better balance between autonomy and connectedness with my husband; and spending a great deal more energy on healthy eating and exercise.

How would your daily actions change if you had confronted the fact that life, truly, is short?

 

We are looking for partners with ADHD and partners without ADHD to share your responses in this very important ADHD Relationship Sex Survey created by Ari Tuckman, PsyD, MBA. The research will help counselors understand how to better help couples impacted by adult ADHD. There is no research data on this important topic...but there should be! As a survey participant, you will be the first to receive the results and be entered in a raffle. Your opinions and experience are important - I hope you will share them with us by taking this ADHD Relationship Sex Survey. Thank you.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - This new seminar, designed to help couples become more intimate on every level, will be given by phone conference call and is tentatively set to begin on May 5th, lasting for about 5 weeks.  If you are interested in this topic, please contact me, and I will email you when the final dates and syllabus are available.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

I will be in London on March 25. Learn more here.

“Dear ‘Whatever Doesn’t Kill Me’…I’m strong enough now, thanks!” - Facebook post

I laughed out loud when I read this post!  Because, truly, doesn’t life feel like this sometimes?  Relentlessly throwing sh*t your direction until you feel as if you can’t take any more?!

But there is something in that old “whatever doesn’t kill me” adage – because every challenge does present an opportunity to learn and grow.  The most important issue, I think, is what we choose to learn and in what direction we choose to grow.  Because most often, we do have a choice.  Do we choose to focus on the negative, or on our own or partner’s failings?  Or do we choose to seek the positive?

I’m a big believer in the second approach.  When we choose to seek the positive, we are more likely to end up with something we like.

 

I will be in London on March 25. Learn more here.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

 

Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - This new seminar, designed to help couples become more intimate on every level, will be given by phone conference call and is tentatively set to begin on May 5th, lasting for about 5 weeks.  If you are interested in this topic, please contact me, and I will email you when the final dates and syllabus are available.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“Only a mediocre person is always at his best.” - W. Somerset Maugham

If you’re a “type A” person like me, you’re probably used to setting some pretty high standards for yourself and your partner.  But what I’ve been learning lately is that this is not always a good thing.  First, we shouldn’t be setting standards for our partner – they get to do that!  Otherwise we are in the position of ‘judging’ whether they meet our standards – and that’s not conducive to intimacy.

Second, if we think we must always ‘be at our best’ we have only two real options – fail some of the time (and then are you disappointed?!) or lower our standards enough so that we don’t fail…which, as this week’s quote suggests, may lead to mediocrity.

Instead, I suggest we allow that failure is a good thing – it means that we are striving to do better (or at least differently!)  Further, forgiving yourself and your partner for failure is an important part of a healthy relationship – particularly when ADHD is in the mix.

Are you able to let go of your own – and your partner’s – failures?

The next live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts NEXT WEEK - February 17th! Learn more here.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. The next session begins February 17th.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website