Weekly Marriage Tips

“I left prison more informed than when I went in.  And the more informed you are, the less arrogant and aggressive you are.”
-Nelson Mandela, quoted in Oprah Magazine

I don’t typically think of prison as a place where people become less aggressive.  So this quote really struck me!  Mandela is talking about opening yourself up to the power of becoming educated about something that matters.  His education changed an entire nation as he became less arrogant and less aggressive.

It wasn’t just book learning.  He spent a good deal of time thinking about how to be a better person.  He chose to open himself to new ideas and a new way of being, and then worked hard at it.

I’m convinced that many couples can use a similar strategy to deal with ADHD issues in their relationship.  Open yourself up to becoming more informed about ADHD and its impact, and challenge yourself to be a better person.

This is the sort of work I lay out in my seminar, The ADHD Effect In-Depth.  If you haven’t taken it yet, I suggest you at least consider it.  The next live course (given by phone) will start January 12, 2016.

December 16 - London - Melissa will be speaking on Adult ADHD, Relationships and Families. Free. More info at ADDISS.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session will start January 12, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“Epic failure is part of being human, and it’s definitely part of being married. It’s part of what being alive means, occasionally screwing up in expensive ways. And that’s part of what marriage means, sometimes hating this other person but staying together because you promised you would. And then, days or weeks later, waking up and loving him again, loving him still.”
-Ada Calhoun, NY Times

Instead of writing a long article, I’m going to send you to a NY Times article that I enjoyed reading…Because it made me smile.

Melissa will be speaking in LONDON on December 16 on Adult ADHD, Relationships and Families.  For info on this free event, go to this link.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. Next live session starts January 12, 2016.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“(Regret is) driven by a contrast between where we are and where we think we could have been.”
-Dan Ariely, who studies irrationality

Let’s say you miss your flight.  That’s frustrating, right?  But what’s more frustrating?  Missing it by 2 minutes, or by two hours?

And who is happier standing on the Olympic podium?  The person who got the silver or the person who got the bronze?

Both the person who missed the flight by 2 minutes and the silver medalist are thinking “If only…” and that form of regret is incredibly painful.  So painful, in fact, that Ariely’s experiments suggest that people will do almost anything to avoid that feeling again.

Regret also drives anger.  But Ariely’s insight may help diminish that.  After all, if a non-ADHD wife (for example) regrets she married a woman who is completely disorganized instead of someone who is very neat, it’s possible to reframe this issue with greater acceptance of the disorganized partner’s ADHD symptoms.  ‘If I am to be Suzanne’s partner at all, I have to acknowledge that my dream of her being a neat freak wasn’t actually very realistic.  I knew that going in, even though I hoped it would improve.”  By being realistic, you decrease the distance between where you are, and where you think you could have been.

Are there things you regret where the pain of that regret could be lessened by viewing the situation more realistically?

Melissa will be speaking in LONDON on December 16 on Adult ADHD, Relationships and Families.  For info on this free event, go to this link.

American Adults Wanted to Participate in a Brief, Online Mindfulness Study - The intent of this study is to better understand why people may be more or less willing to practice mindfulness. The results will help inform a variety of mindfulness-based treatments, including those for ADHD.  Take the study here.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. Next course begins January 12, 2016.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be.  And you can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be.”
-Martin Luther King

One of the greatest pleasures, and greatest tests, of being part of a couple is how interconnected you are.  You are completely different people and will not (and should not!) be the same.  Being differentiated partners is healthy and part of creating a happy relationship.

But Martin Luther King makes a point about our inter-connectedness, too.  He was voicing a call to be our best selves in all of our relationships and I suggest to my clients the same thing.  You should strive to be your best self, but you won’t get there completely until your partner is also on the right path, and vice versa.

That means two things: First, don’t wait for your partner to make changes – go ahead and look at what you can do to make your situation together happier…and DO IT!  Second, celebrate your mutual successes.  Every time your partner makes a gain, so do you (and vice versa).

I challenge you to ask yourself – how can I be ‘what I ought to be’?

Thanks for your patience with our website outage the week of November 9th!  The adhdmarriage.com site is back up and ready for your use.

American Adults Wanted to Participate in a Brief, Online Mindfulness Study - The intent of this study is to better understand why people may be more or less willing to practice mindfulness. The results will help inform a variety of mindfulness-based treatments, including those for ADHD.  Take the study here.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“I have learnt…to conserve my anger, and as heat conserved is transmuted into energy, even so our anger controlled can be transmuted into a power which can move the world.” -Mahatma Gandhi

We all get angry, even Gandhi.  The question is, what do we do with that anger?

Anger is an emotion that should be noticed and accepted like any other – it simply alerts us that something is amiss in our lives.  By itself, it’s not bad.  But anger hurts us (and our relationships) when we vent it rather than use it productively.  The idea that it’s good to ‘vent our anger’ to get it our of our system is simply wrong – it forgets that someone we care about is on the receiving end of that anger, and you can do real damage by venting…damage that inevitably bounces right back at you.

I’m not suggesting you squash your anger.  Rather, to paraphrase Gandhi, conserve it and then transmute it into power with which you can change your world.  Use your anger as a motivator to make the changes you need to make to improve your own life.  When you speak constructively, your partner is more likely to join in, too.  It’s easier to be sympathetic to someone who calmly shares their pain and anger than it is to work with someone who has just raked you over the coals.

If you experience anger in your relationship, it’s time to start thinking about how you can ‘transmute that anger into power which can move your world.’

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session will start January 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“When you talk you are only repeating what you already know.  But when you listen you might learn something new.” - attributed alternately to the Dalai Lama, author J.P. McEvoy, and Jared Sparks, President of Harvard (1849-53)

Okay, so we don’t know who to attribute this quote to, but it’s a good one.  Listening is a critical skill if you want to really learn something about, and get along with, your partner.  It’s particularly important when you are as different as ADHD and non-ADHD partners can be.

I’ll admit it – I often don’t understand my husband’s logic.  We’ve been married 26 years and I STILL don’t always understand it (though I have grown more used to anticipating it…) I used to spend a lot of time trying to convince him that my logic was more sound than his.  If I just talked with him enough about how I felt or how I thought something should be done, surely he would come around and see that I was right!

He didn’t buy it.  His logic is rooted firmly in his experiences and the way he is in the world. Rather than try to convince him to think differently (or be different) what I should have been doing was listening to him and learning all I could about him.  Ditto for him listening to me.  His general feeling was that my logic flow was illogical...and pedantic!  Simply listening and accepting that we think differently would have enabled the two of us to accept our differences a long time ago and then negotiate with mutual respect.  If I had to do it all over again, this change from ‘convincing’ to ‘listening’ would be one of the most important changes I would make.

How do you and your partner do in this department?  Are you ‘convincers’ or ‘listeners’?

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:  ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.

Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“The truth is, change doesn’t always feel great.  It can be scary, intense, challenging.  It can strain relationships.  It can upset the equilibrium…” - Pilar Gerasimo, Editor of Experience Life Magazine

Some of the singly most intense periods of my life have come in the midst really significant shifts in direction in my relationship with my husband.  We’ve had a number of these.  In the end, the change we’ve created – and the very, very significant learning about each other that we’ve gained in that period of change – has contributed to the strength of our connection.  But, oh boy!  That change can be so hard!

There’s the stress of the unknown future (“Can we withstand the pressure?”)  There’s fear (“What will happen to my life if everything falls apart?”)  There’s grief (“Why did we get here?  Why couldn’t we do better?”)  And there are the really intense conversations – some with anger, some with tears.

I have learned, over the years, that intensity is not an indicator of whether or not we will succeed or fail.  In fact, in my experience, a certain kind of (non-angry) intensity usually indicates that a brighter future may await.  To find that future, one must not let intensity scare you…rather, think of it as an indication that change is happening.  Focus, instead, on making that intensity work for you by managing anger and staying constructive.

New Seminar! Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - begins November 10. Become more intimate on every level!

The seminar consists of four sessions, with an optional fifth session on Recovering from Affairs and Deception. It includes course exercises (roughly one hour per week) and recordings of all sessions. All questions will be answered and shared.

Is it time to recover the intimacy you so cherish? Learn more here.  "We took your class and I could write you a “chapter” on how much you helped me."

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - began October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - begins November 10 - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“Judging is a form of resistance and can keep negative mental patterns and habits in place.  Awareness has a neutralizing, freeing effect.” - Marie Forleo

Do you judge your partner?  And if so, when you are judging your partner are you thinking negative thoughts?  I bet so.

Last summer I took one meditation class – just to see what it was about.  As it turned out, the focus was on noticing your thoughts and letting them go by you without judgment.  The instructor gave the example of being sideswiped by a child on a bike.  “You could react negatively and judge that boy as careless,” the instructor said.  “If you did, you might yell at him.  Or, you could notice he had grazed you and let the thought pass, going on about your life without the negative interaction.”

That story stayed with me.  What would happen if I incorporated that idea into my everyday life?  If I replaced my negative judgments with an ability to notice and let go?

And so I have tried to do just that.  And the result in my relationship has been dramatic.  My husband, who had many years of my judging his actions as difficult and even inadequate, now has a vastly different experience.  He now feels accepted in the moment, while also knowing that if something sticks – even though I have tried to let it flow past me – I will try to find a good time to talk with him about it.

I will eventually explore this type of meditation further so I may hone my ability to be at peace with what happens around me.  In the meantime, just thinking in this way has smoothed out many of my days.

What would happen if you started letting things flow past you?

Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - begins November 10 - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. The seminar consists of four sessions, with an optional fifth session on Recovering from Affairs and Deception. Logistics: I will send you the calling instructions and first session materials about 48 hours in advance of the first session.  I recommend blocking out about one hour a week for doing course exercises.  Some couples find it useful to schedule an 'appointment' to do this at the same time.

All sessions are recorded so that if you miss a class you can listen to it before the following session. All questions will be answered and shared.

Is it time to recover the intimacy you so cherish?

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Just started on October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Begins November 10 - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“Doing nothing can actually be substantially more rewarding than many of the ‘somethings’ that make up normal life.” - Heidi Wachter

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a huge, long list of things they ‘need’ to do.  These ‘somethings’ will easily rule our lives, if we let them.

Not too long ago, my husband and I were hiking near San Francisco when he happened to spot a shady bench that overlooked an amazing vista of hills and mountains.  We sat down and just held hands.  Then my husband, who had not slept long the night before, put his head in my lap and fell asleep.

While I was sitting there I realized that it might be the first time in years when I was sitting down for a stretch of time, and doing absolutely nothing.  Not even planning to do anything!  Just sitting. With my hands gently on my husband’s chest and head as he breathed in and out.

It felt wonderful.

As I age I look back at all of the ‘somethings’ that have ruled my life – particularly around taking care of children and homes – and realize that my husband and I have not had enough time together ‘doing nothing.’  We should have taken more time for that!

In the future I suspect we will do more.  We will still exercise like crazy because we love to…but have been reminded that ‘nothing’ really is ‘something’ worthwhile.

Next Live Session Starts Tuesday!

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Live Seminar begins October 6 and Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship begins November 10.  Logistics: call the phone number, from two locations if you need to, and follow along with the materials I will send to you the day before.  I record each session and send you the link the next day so you can keep it for future use or listen to it if you missed the live session.  Very simple – no technical hassles.

Participants get multiple opportunities to send me written questions…and I answer and share them ALL by the end of the course.

The course also includes optional - because not everyone is ready to do the homework - worksheets, readings, etc.

Are you ready to improve your relationship? This course has helped many, many couples.  Read their testimonials at the bottom of the seminar page.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Beginning October 6, this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Beginning November 10, this new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“I think we simply need to ask ourselves if we’re choosing joy and choosing life with a capital L, or choosing fear that’s packaged to look like good habits.” - Marc David, Institute for the Psychology of Eating

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Live session begins November 10 - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!