Weekly Marriage Tips

I don’t know about you, but my life has definitely NOT followed the course I expected it would follow.  Taking life as it comes is proving to be both challenging and exhilarating.  But what I like about Obama’s quote is that she talks about not just reacting to what life throws at you, but also proactively following your passions.

There are intersections that we come to in our lives where important choices need to be made.  Sometimes we don’t even know we are at an intersection!  But whether you know or not, it’s hard to imagine that you will regret swerving towards your passions.  Some day you’ll be able to look back and say “I followed what my heart told me to do.”

Swerves can be life changing or just course corrections.  One friend moved to a closer-knit community after her husband passed away.  Another took up quilting and finds great joy in learning to sew beautiful things.  Others change careers, get divorced, and more.

Have you learned the art of the swerve?  How might you follow your passions?

NEWS and EVENTS:

REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN - ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE Seminar Starts Sept 14, 2022 Register Now!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

RESOURCES

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS September 14, 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

One of the most noticeable characteristics of adult ADHD is emotional dysregulation.  Adults with ADHD are prone to feel lots of emotions, more extremely and more quickly than people who don’t have ADHD.  Those emotions include anger, shame, overwhelm, irritability, and more.  This adds a lack of stability to their relationships both at home and at work.

When someone is in an extreme emotional state it’s called being flooded.  In a flooded state, the blood flow in the brain moves from the pre-frontal cortex (responsible for logical thinking) towards the more primitive parts of the brain responsible for ‘fight, flight or freeze.’  From a practical standpoint, this means that a person who is flooded is not likely to be able to listen or employ logical thinking – just when he or she might need it most.

The best way to deal with strong emotions is to develop a verbal or physical cue that the two of you can use immediately BEFORE the emotional escalation.  The response to the cue is to immediately stop talking, and to do what’s needed to calm one’s emotions.  Often this includes moving away from each other and coming back to the topic when you are both more calm.

Do you have a de-escalation technique in place in your relationship?  I cover a lot on this in my live seminar.

NEWS and EVENTS:

STARTING TODAY, MARCH 16, 2022 - LIVE ADHD EFFECT ON MARRIAGE Seminar 

ADHD WOMEN'S PALOOZA, MARCH 14-19, 2022 - MY PRESENTATION: Boundaries: the Key to Successful ADHD Relationships is on March 17th

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS TODAY MARCH 16, 2022. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Recently I have been thinking about good people doing bad things and had a chance to reflect on my own experiences in this area.  In so doing I realized that in both my personal and professional life I have learned the benefits of liking or loving someone whose behavior indicates their pain, separating the person from the action, at least for a while.

This ability to separate person and actions is part of my personality, and part learned.  In my marriage there have been many times when I hated my husband’s behavior, yet still knew there was a good person beneath the acting out, loss of control, or defiance I was experiencing from him.  It took effort to identify the good person, determine my responses, and consider the benefit of forgiveness.

Forgiveness – and knowing someone is good – can only go so far, however.  If you just forgive over and over you become an enabler of poor behavior and also give up on your own needs.  Nothing much changes, and you become miserable.  So you must know your own values and limits, and stick to them, too.  Sometimes I have found journaling helped me explore which response to make that would most align with my values and defend my own rights, while also being compassionate towards another’s pain.

It is also important to understand your own limits.  How you respond to any person’s poor behavior is about you first, them second, and usually no one else.  You are not required to ‘teach’ that person how to do better, and I find it generally is a bad idea to try.  As one example, after I decided that I would prefer to work to see if I could stay with my husband rather than abandon the marriage due to an affair, my position was “I love you and would like to rebuild this relationship.  However, you are the one who must decide what it is that you want. I won’t stand in your way while you do this, but I expect full transparency.  And understand that there is only so long that I will be able to wait for you to figure it out.”

He did decide that what he really wanted was to be with me, not another, and together we healed that pain that had so wounded him.  Our lives are good, and filled with warmth and love.

It could have ended differently, and still could.  My husband knows where my compassion ends, and knows there are certain lines he cannot cross.  And that’s okay.  Forgiveness and compassion are not the same as being stupid.

Are there situations in which separating the good person from the bad behavior can help you find a more clear way to resolve conflict or injury in your own life?

My Upcoming live seminar and adhd and non-adhd groups start October 21st.  Learn more.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts October 21, 2019.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

You are not your ADHD.  But when you have ADHD, it is more likely that you will experience inconsistency.  When I talk about accepting ADHD, what I mean is accepting that things are a bit different for those who have it.  They will likely experience more setbacks and surprises.  They will likely respond more emotionally than others.  They may experience more shame than their peers.  Perhaps they struggled in school, perhaps they didn’t.  I’m not trying to smooth it over – having ADHD can be a real struggle.

But struggle is not the same thing as failure.  And so it pains me to think that ‘endorsing failure’ as personally yours is such a big part of the ADHD experience.  If you don’t have ADHD, try to imagine this for a bit.  Not only is your glass half empty, but you assume it will remain so because you are broken (that permanent hole).  Think about being so sensitized to your ‘failures’ that a single mis-step can erase all sorts of positive improvement somewhere deep inside you.  (Compare this to an incident of failure being intrinsically seen as an aberration or learning opportunity, as many without ADHD see it.)

This quote provides one reason for why it’s so important to create a supportive environment at home in order to start to encourage long-lasting changes in your relationship.   Be conscious of your ADHD-partner’s easy trigger towards shame and hopelessness.  (And, no, as always I’m not suggesting you hide your own needs – only also be sensitive to the needs of your partner, as well, and this one may be hidden.)

People ask ‘why should I remain calm in the face of ADHD setbacks?’  My answer is because it’s the kindest thing you can do.  It is also the most likely approach to helping your partner confront some of the inside demons that s/he needs to tame in order to succeed.

Yes, it’s hard to balance your needs and your partner’s.  But it’s worth it.  And ultimately, ‘partnership’ is what most couples I work with seek.

Non-ADHD support group series begins June 17, 2019 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Seminars and Groups

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts March 26, 2019.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? Check out How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group both run 8 consecutive weeks.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

“To love yourself, and the other, you must each learn how to learn from pain. It offers a wealth of information, for example, that tells you what is most important to you, what you most care about and value. Your pain is fear … waiting to be transformed into an asset, such as more strength, compassion, understanding, confidence … in other words, a more authentic connection to self and other.”
-Dr. Athena Staik in an article about the four elements of love

It’s hard to think of pain as an asset when you are feeling it.  Unlike almost any other asset you can think of, all you want to do is get rid of it!  But I have to say, the greatest growth I have had in my life has come directly out of the most significant pain I have experienced.  After a recent, truly horrific year, for example, I discovered that I was much, much stronger than I had realized.  I keep that knowledge with me, and it informs how I am in the world now.

Many people write about the experience of pain transforming into strength, courage and life-focus.  Survivors of cancer, affairs, automobile accidents, heart attacks and more often come away from the psychological and physical pain as stronger than they could have been without the trauma.

You may well have pain in your own life.  What would happen if you looked at that pain as an opportunity for growth?  Or, put another way, if you look at your pain as an opportunity to grow, in what direction would you travel?  Towards greater strength?  Compassion?  Confidence?

It’s a really interesting question to ask yourself…

It's Not Too Late - The live ADHD Effects In-Depth Couples' Seminar started Monday but you can download the audio & workbook & still join us live the next 7 sessions: Please register here and email me if you have any questions. - Melissa

"Your course is superb; it is so redolent of experience and wisdom, grounded in solid scientific concepts and all delivered with such warmth and clarity…Many thanks and much respect to you."

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Most recent live session started April 4, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!