Weekly Marriage Tips

“One thing to watch out for is the belief that your transformation will bring you external validation, fame, or love.  Placing our ability to feel worthy or loved outside ourselves is a recipe for disaster.” - Marie Forleo

Too many partners, and particularly ADHD partners in my observation, look to someone else to help them feel good about themselves.  This is a mistake!  Instead, when you seek change within yourself (for example, learning to become more organized or patient) remember that the person who benefits the most is yourself.  In fact, a great way to think about it is that you create these changes because they will improve your life forever moving forward.  Greater organization makes your life easier in every aspect (even as it takes effort to stay organized.)  Being organized frees up time to focus on what you really want to do because you don’t waste time looking for keys or re-doing a project you lost track of.  Becoming more patient probably strengthens your relationships, plus you don’t have to spend extra time patching up misunderstandings and hard feelings.

We all can improve how we are in the world…but make sure that when you do so, the only person from whom you seek approval is yourself!

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“For every dark night of the soul there is a sunrise, a brightening of the inner landscape. Smiles always follow tears. Joy will find a way, if I let it, to push up and out, through the rich, dark loam of heartache…” - Katrina Kenison

“If I let it…”  These words are critical.  Are you seeking joy?  Or even letting it ‘push out, through the rich, dark loam of heartache?’  I remember all of the years in which my husband and I struggled.  Part of our problem in recovering was that as hopelessness took over – as we both started to feel that the issues were intractable – we have trouble finding the energy to seek joy together.  Now, many years later, I think couples who seek patience with the chaos of their lives, and who continue to pursue joy at least as often as they seek to remediate weaknesses, do the best.

In other words, maintaining an optimistic (or even neutral) outlook can really help you live more peacefully even if your life is crazy busy.  Are there simple ways you might be able to open up to let joy ‘push out’ through your heartache?  For me, taking time to think each day about what I am grateful for can help, as does regular exercise.  And I’m guessing you can add your own ideas…

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“Energy invested (in a relationship) in the past doesn’t promise a return in the future.  When deciding if a relationship should continue, look at the value it brings to the present and the predicted value in the future, not the investments already made.” - Lisa Arends, author of “Lessons from the End of a Marriage”

“I’ve worked so hard on this relationship!” I hear, with some frequency.  The (unspoken) rest of the sentence is “…so everything should be fixed by now!”  Sadly, this isn’t the way relationships work for several reasons:

• You might have been spinning your wheels – to move forward, both partners must be participating in change.  One partner cannot do it alone, no matter how much energy has been invested.
• You might have been ‘trying harder’ (i.e. doing the same things that don’t work, only more so) rather than ‘trying differently’ (i.e. using strategies shown to help couples impacted by ADHD)
• Sometimes the very effort one expends makes things worse, such as when a non-ADHD partner starts to nag to get an ADHD partner to do things

So energy expended in the past does not indicate what should happen today or in the future.  Instead, look at your shared dreams and look at whether or not you are poised to have some wonderful todays.  This will help you keep up the stamina needed for today’s investment of energy and the building of your best future together.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.

  

  Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“It’s only when we give to ourselves as passionately as we give of ourselves that we create the life we want and deserve.” - Suze Orman

Orman typically talks about money (and was doing so with this quote, too) but I think her idea is very relevant for relationships.  Too often partners – and women in particular – focus so much on giving to others in their lives that they forget to take care of themselves.

Here are just a few of the ideas women have shared with me about how they take care of themselves: reset weekends away from the family; creating a private quiet zone in their home to which they can escape; ‘shopping therapy’; taking courses that excite them; exercising; changing their diets; writing and more.

What have you done lately that serves only one purpose – to take care of yourself?

 

Last Chance for Discount - To celebrate the Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD 2 book awards! ...a Gold award for Best Psychology Book of 2014 from Foreword Reviews and the Silver Benjamin Franklin Award for psychology from the IBPA (Independent Book Publishers Association), I'm offering $5 off the audiobook until August 1st - use coupon code AWARD at checkout.

Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD on ADHDMarriage.com, including:
An online treatment overview;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Referrals;
and my very popular couples courses:
   ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship;
   Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) and is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“As Shakespeare’s character Polonius said in the play Hamlet, “This above all: to thine own self be true.” In trying to be like everyone else, I waged an inner battle, and the biggest loser was me.” - Zoe Kessler, author of ADHD According to Zoe: The Real Deal on Relationships, Finding Your Focus, and Finding Your Keys

Zoe Kessler points out an interesting conundrum in the experience of living with ADHD – that others often wish you to be like everyone else (i.e. non-ADHD) but that there is a huge cost to pursuing this path.  Instead, it is much healthier to be true to the best of who you are.  That does NOT mean don’t address ADHD symptoms – often these symptoms get in the way of your really thriving (for example, poor organizational skills might mean you miss out on job opportunities or family events that you might love!)  But Kessler is suggesting that trying to conform (or even become more organized!) has very real limits.  We are all – whether we have ADHD or not – best served when we learn to love ourselves.

 

Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards! ...a Gold award for Best Psychology Book of 2014 from Foreword Reviews and the Silver Benjamin Franklin Award for psychology from the IBPA (Independent Book Publishers Association). To celebrate, I'm offering $5 off the audiobook until August 1st - use coupon code AWARD at checkout.

Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD on ADHDMarriage.com, including:
an online treatment overview;
downloadable chapters of my books;
a community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
a large number of blog posts on various topics;
referrals;
and my very popular couples courses:

   ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship;
   Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) and is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“…people can be independent thinkers and team players at the same time.” - Carol Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

I would like to take this model – of independent thinkers who are also team players – and magically overlay it onto every ADHD / non-ADHD partnership I know!  Because, truly, it is at this intersection that couples truly thrive because they are equal in status in the relationship and both valued.  Unfortunately, the presence of ADHD symptoms – and responses to those symptoms – often results in parent/child dynamics that are just the opposite of independent thinkers who are team players.

If you have been struggling with parent/child dynamics, perhaps setting your sites on Dweck’s more ‘business-like’ goal can provide an easier path away from this destructive dynamic.  What would you need to do in your relationship to be both independent thinkers and team players?

 

Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards! ...a Gold award for Best Psychology Book of 2014 from Foreword Reviews and the Silver Benjamin Franklin Award for psychology from the IBPA (Independent Book Publishers Association). To celebrate, I'm offering $5 off the audiobook until August 1st - use coupon code AWARD at checkout.

Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD on ADHDMarriage.com, including:
an online treatment overview;
downloadable chapters of my books;
a community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
a large number of blog posts on various topics;
referrals;
and my very popular couples courses:

   ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship;
   Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) and is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“…all at once it occurred to me that I’d left no room in my life for simple delight.  I scheduled, penciled in, or planned everything…” - Sue Fliess

One of the most common ‘mistakes’ that couples make when trying to turn around their relationship is focusing only on the negative – the things that need to be ‘fixed’ in order for them to feel better.  Typically, this focus is expressed in terms of criticism and ‘can we talk?’ emotional conversations.

But to thrive, you need the positive, too – as much of it as you can get!  Don’t just ‘leave time’ for simple delight – MAKE time for it.  It’s critical that you can find ways to delight each other.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship and

Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“This is the tricky thing about breakthroughs.  Many aspects of the experience may feel unpleasant, both before and after your thinking changes…the key to sustaining a new insight (is) eliminating whatever threatens to recloud your vision.” - Martha Beck

I’m a person who really values breakthroughs – both in my own life, and in the experiences of the client couples with whom I work.  But to say that many breakthroughs are ‘uncomfortable’ is probably understating it!  For example, it was not easy for me to accept the breakthrough that some good part of my marital troubles were due to my trying to control my partner’s actions…and that this controlling behavior had to stop completely if we were to thrive.  Facing your own failures is often part of getting to a breakthrough…very ‘uncomfortable’, indeed!

Don’t assume that breakthrough thinking feels good.  Allow that discomfort can be a sign of something good happening, instead, and embrace both the breakthrough and the unpleasant feelings that may accompany it.

 

Don't miss the Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD audiobook discount. To celebrate the 2 book awards! ...a Gold award for Best Psychology Book of 2014 from Foreword Reviews and the Silver Benjamin Franklin Award for psychology from the IBPA (Independent Book Publishers Association), I'm offering $5 off the audiobook until August 1st - use coupon code AWARD at checkout.

Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD on ADHDMarriage.com, including:

An online treatment overview;

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals;

and my very popular couples courses:

   ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship;
   Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) and is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“There’s no diagnosis in medicine that can change a life so dramatically for the better as ADHD.” - Dr. Ned Hallowell

Hallowell likes to call ADHD a ‘good news’ diagnosis, and he couldn’t be more right!  After all, if you have ADHD, you have it whether or not you have the diagnosis…confirming that you do means that you will become privy to a whole world of knowledge about how to manage ADHD symptoms.  And, did you know that 50-90% of adults with ADHD can significantly improve their symptoms with good treatment?  Wow!  That’s really great news, vs. continuing to struggle…

Consider reading my free downloadable chapter on the best treatments for adult ADHD.  There are a wide range of things you can do to manage ADHD – from exercise to mindfulness training to diet changes (for some) to medications and more.  Find out about them in my free downloadable chapter on the latest in ADHD treatment here.  (The chapter is from my newest book, the Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD.)

Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD on ADHDMarriage.com, including:
an online treatment overview;
downloadable chapters of my books;
a community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
a large number of blog posts on various topics;
referrals;
and my very popular couples courses:

   ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship;
   Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) and is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“Ever notice how some of the most eye-opening moments in life occur when the going gets tough?  Rough patches are scary, for sure, but they can also be truly transformative.” - Oprah Winfrey

There is no doubt that I’ve had some pretty tough times in my relationship (and also in my health), and I must say that Winfrey’s statement rings true.  For me, the transformative experience of hitting bottom and being forced to assess my own physical and behavioral limits has led to some of the most significant positive changes in my life.  Has this been painful?  Sure.  Do I value the outcome of facing my own demons and sending my life in new directions?  Yes, most certainly.  For me, what Winfrey implies – that the challenges are worth it – has most clearly been true.

Hard times can force you to reflect deeply about who you are and who you wish to be.  Can you change some tough times into a positive with deep thought and, perhaps, radical action?  (My preference, of course, is for radical action in the way of love and acceptance, though I understand that this is not how some of you will take this idea…)

Here are two resources that will aid in your radical action plan: Online Treatment Guide and The Couples Guide to Thriving.

 

Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards! ...a Gold award for Best Psychology Book of 2014 from Foreword Reviews and the Silver Benjamin Franklin Award for psychology from the IBPA (Independent Book Publishers Association). To celebrate, I'm offering $5 off the audiobook until August 1st - use coupon code AWARD at checkout.

Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD on ADHDMarriage.com, including:
An online treatment overview;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
referrals;
And my very popular couples courses:

   ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship;
   Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) and is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!