Weekly Marriage Tips

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“For most people, sacrifices and hardships are not a choice but a necessity – and tougher than ever because of the expansion of working hours.  In 2009, married middle-income parents worked about 8.5 hours more per week than in 1979.  Just as expectations about work hours have risen dramatically, so have expectations of how much time mothers will spend focused on their children.  An employed mom today spends about the same amount of time reading to, feeding and playing with her children as a non-employed mother did in 1975.”

- Sheryl Sandberg, Author of Lean In and COO of Facebook
 

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I’m delighted that moms today spend as much time reading and playing with their kids as they did in 1975 – that’s so important!…but our lives are most certainly busier!  And balancing it all is really hard.  Something has to go – but here’s what it shouldn’t be – time spent attending to your spouse.  Instead, say "no" to some requests for assistance from others.

I can’t even count the number of women who have wistfully said to me “well, with the kids and work and everything we just got so busy...my husband and I just grew apart.”  Often we are talking about how she no longer has a sex life…or worse.

I’m going to say something radical here:  Marriages need nurturing even more than kids (beyond basic safety and love!)  Your relationship with your spouse is the umbrella under which your children live and thrive.  If you and your spouse are happy, your children will likely follow.  So take a look at how you allocate your family time.  Are you spending enough of it one on one with your partner?  If not, consider replacing kid time with spouse time.  It's likely that everyone will be benefit.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Stop, in the name of love, before you break my heart!”

- Diana Ross and the Supremes

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Are you secretly having an emotional or physical affair?  It’s pretty common in struggling relationships, particularly those with and ADHD partner.  Poor impulse control can lead to porn or sex addictions and difficult relationships can lead either partner to seek affection outside of the relationship.

Aside from the hurt these actions will eventually cause your spouse when they find out (and they likely will) these are coping strategies that point away from your partner and relationship.  If you think you want to have a better relationship you need to engage, not move away!  And the time to engage with your partner and disengage from your porn or affair is now.

Think carefully about your current situation and ask yourself “is what I’m doing making my relationship better?”  If you’re honest, the answer is likely “no.”  I urge you to reconsider. 

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“She carries on without a doubt
I wonder if she’s figured out
I’m crazy for this girl…”

- Evan and Jared

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The singer of this song must not have ADHD!  If he did that girl would have NO DOUBT about his feelings!  You have not been courted until you’ve been courted by someone with courtship hyperfocus ADHD!

That hyperfocus is the result of the dopamine rush that infatuation brings.  We all get this rush, but there is a larger gap between “infatuated” and “normal behaviors” for someone with ADHD because normal state is “distracted.”  And chronic distraction feels like “my partner doesn’t love me” to a non-ADHD spouse.

If you have ADHD, schedule (literally) time to attend to your partner without any possible distractions (that includes no phones!!).  Good times are right before bed, weekends and date nights.  Clear your space and mind of everything but your partner.  Blocks of “attend time” will reassure your partner you still love her/him, even if you are often distracted.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“You could be from Venus
I could be from Mars
We could be together
Lovers forever, care for each other”

- Talkie Walkie

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Okay, I admit it!  This is about what I thought marriage was about when I was engaged.  Though I wanted a family I didn’t really think much about the day-to-day work of that.  Though I held a job, I didn’t understand the pressure of balancing job/marriage/children/house/illnesses/chores…

I’m glad I’m wiser now, and have learned I have the strength to do more than just dream…but every once in a while I remind myself (fondly) of just how much fun it was to be more innocent.

Maybe tonight I’ll take a moment to celebrate those old dreams and celebrate what I have now, as well.  What might you celebrate tonight?

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Most unhappy people need to learn just one lesson: how to see themselves through the lens of genuine compassion and treat themselves accordingly…It’s about giving yourself the acceptance, love, and esteem you’d give your best friend.”

- Martha Beck

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We are human, all of us.  We thrive on love.  Too often we think that this means only the love of others when, in fact, loving ourselves is at least as important.  Relationships do better when each person loves him/herself as well as their partner.  What does this mean?  To me it means positioning yourself to thrive.

For each person the tactics for this might be different:  finding a job that’s fulfilling; being the best parent possible; making sublime music; inventing something new; growing the perfect garden and sharing its bounty with loved ones; learning to meditate; journaling to explore and heal hurts; taking the time to read a great book.  The possibilities of how you thrive are almost endless.

How are you loving yourself these days?
 

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Sometimes I get so weary I even freak myself out.
I laugh myself to sleep, it’s my lullaby.
Sometimes I drag so fast just to feel the danger
I want to scream – it makes me feel alive…
I’d rather be anything but ordinary, please.
To walk within the lines would make my life so boring.
I want to know that I have been to the extreme.
So knock me off my feet, come on now give it to me, anything to make me feel alive.”

- Avril Lavigne

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My understanding is that Avril Lavigne has ADHD.  Her description of how she feels in “Anything But Ordinary Please” from her album Let Go is a great description of (probably hyperactive) ADHD.  The thrill and need for speed are all there. 

If your partner has ADHD it’s important to remember that while “fitting in” and getting more organized is useful for your relationship and for succeeding in a world that puts a premium on efficiency, there can be a bittersweet side to it as well.  For a person with ADHD, the less spontaneous life they are often working to create to "get along" with a partner (or at work) feels different and, sometimes, uncomfortable.  Later in the same song Lavigne captures some of what might be lost:

“Let down your defenses, use your common sense.  If you look you will see that this world is beautiful excellent turbulent succulent opulent permanent…I want to taste it, don’t want to waste it…

There is a zest for life in her words!  As you seek to find a good balance between ADHD partner spontaneity and non-ADHD partner organization remember to leave enough space for adventure so you can experience some of that “excellent turbulent succulent opulent” life together.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”

- Corrie ten Boom *

* as quoted in Oprah Magazine

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This is a quote worthy of posting somewhere so you can read it again and again! It seems as if every week I see one or another of my clients, worried about their future (and ignoring the best of what is happening today), make decisions because of their worry that could easily make their future worse!  For example, even though their ADHD partner has had 4 weeks of being on time, they choose to comment about how that partner "rarely" is on time and how hard that is for them.  This discourages, rather than positively reinforces, the spouse who has been trying so hard.

Don't let worry about tomorrow (or the past, for that matter!) sap the strength out of what is happening today!  Focus on the positives and making today better (for example, celebrating the spouse's ability to be on time.)  Not only will today be better, you'll also increase the chances that tomorrow will be better, too.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the nobler art of leaving things undone.”

- Lin Yutang*

*  as quoted in Oprah Magazine

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I used to believe that everything had to be done, and done now.  That led to a lot of exhaustion, as well as conflict with my partner, who was (and still is) more relaxed than I am about these things.

After years of busting my chops, I realized that I was missing out on some of the pure fun of living.  For what?  A neater living room?  The perfectly matched bed linens?  Wearing makeup? 

It turns out that efficiency is only one way to measure success, and when it comes to relationships, not even a very good one.  Connection, laughter and shared experiences are much better.  I thank my husband and my children for teaching me this important lesson.

If you’re too focused on the noble art of getting things done, consider getting only your topmost priorities completed, and leaving the rest so you can hang out and have fun with those you love.

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© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Supervisors don’t want to hear about problems or disabilities – they want to hear about solutions.”

- Dr. Kathleen Nadeau in a speech about ADHD and the workplace

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This was part of a speech Dr. Nadeau gave in Toronto at CADDAC about work and ADHD.  But it reminded me also of couples.  Like your supervisor, your partner doesn’t want to hear about problems, disabilities or frustrations.  Or, more accurately, ONLY hear about them.  Yes, you need to identify your problems – not hold them in.  But after that, your partner wants to hear about solutions.

Like in the workplace, a good way to develop a solution is to be proactive.  Create a plan and discuss it with your partner as something to be reviewed and, possibly, improved.  And, also like work, all good plans have a way to measure their success.  In relationships, this means set objective goals.

And beware.  “Reasons” you didn't get to do something often sound like excuses and won’t get you very far if they are used over and over again.  If you don't meet your objective goals, use it as a learning opportunity to change your approach next time.  "I'll just try harder" typically doesn't work as well as "how can I do this differently to make my approach better?"
 

© 2013 Melissa Orlov