Weekly Marriage Tips

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“I really dislike the idea of genetic testing to produce more perfect babies. Here I am, with learning disabilities and ADHD – I might well have been one of those babies who got weeded out. Yet I’ve turned out very well…”

- My daughter, age 23

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Every once in a while one of your kids says something that really sets you on your heels. This comment, at last night’s dinner, was one of those times. It came during a free-wheeling conversation about resilience and how important a trait it is.

How does one respond to that sort of expression of feeling like an outsider, making it in a world that doesn’t fully appreciate your qualities? Or to the resilience that she has developed over the years of learning about herself, in all her strengths and weaknesses?

We have much to learn and think about if we just listen…

© 2014 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“…the real issue is not how long I live, but how well I live.  It’s not about how many breaths I take, but how many breathless moments I get to live through.  And it’s not about the number of hours I have with friends and loved ones.  It’s the depth, warmth and integrity of the relationships I build with them during the time we spend together.”

- Bahram Akradi, CEO of Life Time Fitness

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There is no doubt that the busy-ness of our lives can easily be detrimental to the strength of our relationships.  It’s not the number of hours you are together - anyone who has sat in the same room with a partner and not spoken a word with each other knows this! BUT, you DO have to have enough time together to ‘attend’ to each other.  That means paying attention in a way that specifically shows your partner you care…and having your partner tuned in enough to accept and notice your attention.  (Dinner with friends doesn't count!  It's not attending to each other, but to other people.)

“Attend time” is an important concept when one or both of you has ADHD.  So much so, in fact, that I spend a good amount of time talking about it in my next book, The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD (available for preorder - being released May 1).

When was the last time you or your partner connected in a way that communicated “I care?”  If it’s been a while, create a plan to change this through your own actions.

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DON'T FORGET TO SIGN UP FOR THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES SEMINAR SERIES, GIVEN BY PHONE.  NEXT SEMINAR STARTS APRIL 15TH.  USE THIS COUPON CODE - APRIL14 - TO GET $20 OFF WHEN YOU REGISTER.  This seminar has helped many couples improve their ADHD-impacted relationship.  I will not be giving this seminar again until October, 2014 at the earliest.

© 2014 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Twixt the optimist and pessimist
The difference is droll
The optimist sees the doughnut
But the pessimist sees the hole”

- taken from a Harvard Medical School health brochure

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(High brow poetry from Harvard!)  Which are you?  A pessimist or optimist?  The answer is actually important.  Research suggests that optimism is a predictor of success in life.  People who are optimistic tend to be “open” to what comes towards them.  Since we are all showered with interesting (sometimes even good) ideas and opportunities, the ability to be open enough to consider them means that when something good comes your way you see it and can act on it if you choose.  If you are a pessimist – meaning you are closed to new ideas – then you don’t notice them.  You’re likely to miss ideas that could really benefit you.

Have you been open to new ideas this week?

I hope you all have a lovely end of the year and, hopefully, some vacation (or at least a bit of rest!)  I'll be back in touch in the first week of January.

For those of you still undecided about your holiday gift giving, consider giving the gift of a better relationship by enrolling in my upcoming couple's seminar (starts January 28th).  This course is given by phone (and recorded, if you miss a session) and has helped many couples start to turn their relationship around.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Music brings control to my thoughts. It’s not escape – it’s just order. I’m making order out of a disorder…If I was stuck at a different job I’d be horrible and wouldn’t survive.”

- will.i.am, who has ADHD

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Seven-time Grammy winner, will.i.am notes how perfect his job is for him.  He followed his passion and has had great success.  He’s NOT trying to mediate his weaknesses and become be an accountant or doctor or…  This is the concept behind strengths-based treatment for ADHD.  You treat the ADHD, yes, but you do so while helping the person who has the ADHD find what they are really, really good at.  Everyone has something at which they excel.  For those with ADHD, lots of times these things are creative (music, art, writing, seeing things in new ways, etc.) or related to adrenaline (emergency room work, day trading) or involve physical exertion (athletics, juggling, leading tour groups, building trails at national parks, etc.)

I hope that the ADHD adults in your family have already identified their strengths and find some satisfaction applying them to their work.  If you have children with ADHD, please keep the strengths idea in mind.  It may lead to a unique career for your family (circus performer, dolphin trainer, music writer and producer) but, like will.i.am has found – a good fit can lead to all sorts of success.

P.S.  Music happens to calm the minds of many with ADHD.  If your ADHD partner listens to music all day long, that may be one explanation.

© 2014 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Dream on…”

-Aerosmith

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Working on your relationship takes lots of energy.  And sometimes, particularly when you are working hard to change older, not-so-great habits into new ones, that work can be a SLOG!  If you’re wondering if you’re ever going to have fun again, take some time off (WITH your spouse!) and just dream a bit.  Where are you going?  What would the two of you love to do together?  What do you love about what’s happening and each other?  Is there a short, fun break you could take that would just help you relax?

You need a break from the hard work, and a chance to remind yourselves where you are going, and how much fun you can have together.

P.S.  The high school connection is that Aerosmith is a Boston band, that played in my high school gymnasium soon after “Dream On” was released and before they stopped doing gyms forever…Very fun!

LAST DAY TO REGISTER FOR THIS ADHD EFFECT COUPLE'S SEMINAR, GIVEN BY TELECONFERENCE IN 8 SESSIONS.  STARTS TONIGHT, JANUARY 28.  PLEASE REGISTER BEFORE 6PM EASTERN IF YOU ARE GOING TO JOIN IN...

© 2014 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Maximal efficiency is not necessarily a value to strive for; inefficiency often produces social benefits.  (For example) Not knowing exactly how much readership each story got probably led newspapers to extensive coverage of state government.”

- from an article in MIT Technology Review about the use of large data sets

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There are times in a marriage when efficiency is important – when we have very small children comes to mind so you can keep them safe by (say) putting up that baby gate on time.  But there are many MORE times when it’s not nearly as important as we think.  In my household, for example, we certainly have routines.  But if someone falls out of them, I have learned to put my relationships first and efficiency second.  That means sometimes things don’t go very fast and sometimes it may get messy.  I used to complain about it and now I (mostly) don’t…and everyone (including me) is happier with the change.  Because the reality is – it’s a lot more important that everyone feel loved than that everything be picked up.

Think about what really needs to be efficient in your household (paying bills is a good example) and how much of what you worry about can actually wait.  Then, take some of your worry and “efficiency” energy, and spend it on your relationship building instead.

DON'T FORGET - My next couples seminar starts in less than a week (Tuesday, Jan 28).  Sign up now to start 2014 with a relationship builder you won't forget!  Information about the course is at this link.

© 2014 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“ • Forgiveness is giving up the wish that things could be different
  • Don’t let your fear of today rob you of a fun life
  • If you’re not here now, where the hell are you?
  • I’ve never been a fan of the good ‘ol days.  For me the best day has always been this one."

- From “Ready to Say Goodbye,” an article on Valerie Harper’s living with her diagnosis of terminal cancer,  People Magazine, 3/18/13

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What’s the most important advice you provide when you are near death?  These bullets are some of Valerie Harper’s ideas on that topic.  In them she shares great wisdom, made the more emotional because of what she faces.  I thought they might inspire you, too.

Having a terminal illness focuses you on what's important, but you don't have to be ill to take her advice.  Life is shorter than we imagine, and we owe it to ourselves to forgive and to do what we can to create joy and happiness for ourselves.

Are you living today in a way that you'll never regret?

IF YOU ARE CONSIDERING JOINING MY UPCOMING COUPLE'S SEMINAR, PLEASE SIGN UP AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE.  I WILL BE SENDING OUT THE TREATMENT CHAPTER OF MY NEW BOOK AS PRE-READING FOR THE FIRST SESSION.  FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS EXCELLENT SEMINAR AT THIS LINK.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“I’ve been working on myself quite a bit lately – I think I had lost myself a bit for a while.  Perhaps when I’m more myself my wife will like me better.”

“That is a good thing to do.  Are you spending time sharing the new, better you with your wife?”

“No...”

- recent conversation between me and my cousin

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I loved that my cousin was sharing his experiences with me.  But I have to admit that I gave him a gentle push towards sharing his discoveries and energy with his wife.  That way she gets to see the positives, too.  I suggested that he shouldn't indulge yet in big talks about therapy or his goals, just start creating some happier moments together as a couple.  She will enjoy being with the 'new' (or 'old' depending upon your point of view!) him.

If you are working on improving yourself, don't forget to share the good qualities you find in yourself with your partner!

DON'T FORGET - THE NEXT COUPLES SEMINAR STARTS ON JANUARY 28TH.  GIVE YOURSELF A NEW YEAR'S GIFT OF A BETTER RELATIONSHIP FOR THE TWO OF YOU!

© 2014 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“I’ve learned to see the outcome of any effort as either success or education.  Both are invaluable."

- Martha Beck

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

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I think this is a critical concept for all couples, and particularly for those with ADHD.  Effort is the key idea here – and experimentation.  Every time you try something different to address a problem that you have, you learn something.  Sometimes you learn that you just solved the problem!  Lots of times you don’t, though.  In that case, learn from what didn’t work, and make a new plan.  THAT’S how you make progress learning to manage ADHD and ADHD-impacted relationships!

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“My wife and I got into the habit of griping about the day’s frustrations as soon as we got home from work.  After a while, though, I realized that if you discuss only problems with your partner, there’s a good chance you’ll develop a problem relationship.”

- Dr. Phil

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My husband used to be late coming home from the office – he had a lot to do…work and traffic don’t always make it easy to get to family dinner.  It used to make me angry, though, so when he walked through the door there was often a negative interaction between us.  Either “you’re late again and didn’t call” or a defensive response on his part “The traffic was terrible…” and anticipation that I was about to complain (that’s the nice word for it!)

That’s simply a bad way to start your evening, and you both deserve better than that.  We solved our problem, when the kids were younger by having a regular dinner time that he made when he could.  He missed the fun when he didn’t eat with us, so he tried to make it as much as possible.  The real benefit, though, was that clarifying that what time he arrived was his responsibility, not mine, helped us both be more even tempered when he did arrive – we had happier evenings.

P.S. So did the kids.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov