Weekly Marriage Tips

Recently I have been thinking about good people doing bad things and had a chance to reflect on my own experiences in this area.  In so doing I realized that in both my personal and professional life I have learned the benefits of liking or loving someone whose behavior indicates their pain, separating the person from the action, at least for a while.

This ability to separate person and actions is part of my personality, and part learned.  In my marriage there have been many times when I hated my husband’s behavior, yet still knew there was a good person beneath the acting out, loss of control, or defiance I was experiencing from him.  It took effort to identify the good person, determine my responses, and consider the benefit of forgiveness.

Forgiveness – and knowing someone is good – can only go so far, however.  If you just forgive over and over you become an enabler of poor behavior and also give up on your own needs.  Nothing much changes, and you become miserable.  So you must know your own values and limits, and stick to them, too.  Sometimes I have found journaling helped me explore which response to make that would most align with my values and defend my own rights, while also being compassionate towards another’s pain.

It is also important to understand your own limits.  How you respond to any person’s poor behavior is about you first, them second, and usually no one else.  You are not required to ‘teach’ that person how to do better, and I find it generally is a bad idea to try.  As one example, after I decided that I would prefer to work to see if I could stay with my husband rather than abandon the marriage due to an affair, my position was “I love you and would like to rebuild this relationship.  However, you are the one who must decide what it is that you want. I won’t stand in your way while you do this, but I expect full transparency.  And understand that there is only so long that I will be able to wait for you to figure it out.”

He did decide that what he really wanted was to be with me, not another, and together we healed that pain that had so wounded him.  Our lives are good, and filled with warmth and love.

It could have ended differently, and still could.  My husband knows where my compassion ends, and knows there are certain lines he cannot cross.  And that’s okay.  Forgiveness and compassion are not the same as being stupid.

Are there situations in which separating the good person from the bad behavior can help you find a more clear way to resolve conflict or injury in your own life?

My Upcoming live seminar and adhd and non-adhd groups start October 21st.  Learn more.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts October 21, 2019.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

You are not your ADHD.  But when you have ADHD, it is more likely that you will experience inconsistency.  When I talk about accepting ADHD, what I mean is accepting that things are a bit different for those who have it.  They will likely experience more setbacks and surprises.  They will likely respond more emotionally than others.  They may experience more shame than their peers.  Perhaps they struggled in school, perhaps they didn’t.  I’m not trying to smooth it over – having ADHD can be a real struggle.

But struggle is not the same thing as failure.  And so it pains me to think that ‘endorsing failure’ as personally yours is such a big part of the ADHD experience.  If you don’t have ADHD, try to imagine this for a bit.  Not only is your glass half empty, but you assume it will remain so because you are broken (that permanent hole).  Think about being so sensitized to your ‘failures’ that a single mis-step can erase all sorts of positive improvement somewhere deep inside you.  (Compare this to an incident of failure being intrinsically seen as an aberration or learning opportunity, as many without ADHD see it.)

This quote provides one reason for why it’s so important to create a supportive environment at home in order to start to encourage long-lasting changes in your relationship.   Be conscious of your ADHD-partner’s easy trigger towards shame and hopelessness.  (And, no, as always I’m not suggesting you hide your own needs – only also be sensitive to the needs of your partner, as well, and this one may be hidden.)

People ask ‘why should I remain calm in the face of ADHD setbacks?’  My answer is because it’s the kindest thing you can do.  It is also the most likely approach to helping your partner confront some of the inside demons that s/he needs to tame in order to succeed.

Yes, it’s hard to balance your needs and your partner’s.  But it’s worth it.  And ultimately, ‘partnership’ is what most couples I work with seek.

Non-ADHD support group series begins June 17, 2019 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Seminars and Groups

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts March 26, 2019.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? Check out How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group both run 8 consecutive weeks.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

“To love yourself, and the other, you must each learn how to learn from pain. It offers a wealth of information, for example, that tells you what is most important to you, what you most care about and value. Your pain is fear … waiting to be transformed into an asset, such as more strength, compassion, understanding, confidence … in other words, a more authentic connection to self and other.”
-Dr. Athena Staik in an article about the four elements of love

It’s hard to think of pain as an asset when you are feeling it.  Unlike almost any other asset you can think of, all you want to do is get rid of it!  But I have to say, the greatest growth I have had in my life has come directly out of the most significant pain I have experienced.  After a recent, truly horrific year, for example, I discovered that I was much, much stronger than I had realized.  I keep that knowledge with me, and it informs how I am in the world now.

Many people write about the experience of pain transforming into strength, courage and life-focus.  Survivors of cancer, affairs, automobile accidents, heart attacks and more often come away from the psychological and physical pain as stronger than they could have been without the trauma.

You may well have pain in your own life.  What would happen if you looked at that pain as an opportunity for growth?  Or, put another way, if you look at your pain as an opportunity to grow, in what direction would you travel?  Towards greater strength?  Compassion?  Confidence?

It’s a really interesting question to ask yourself…

It's Not Too Late - The live ADHD Effects In-Depth Couples' Seminar started Monday but you can download the audio & workbook & still join us live the next 7 sessions: Please register here and email me if you have any questions. - Melissa

"Your course is superb; it is so redolent of experience and wisdom, grounded in solid scientific concepts and all delivered with such warmth and clarity…Many thanks and much respect to you."

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Most recent live session started April 4, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“Most parenting approaches have you giving a strong punitive consequence that’s all energy and that confirms that, as a parent, you’re highly available through negativity – you’re a toy that works when they push buttons…And you work if, and only if, they act out bigger.” - Howard Glasser

Almost all of the couples I work with suffer from significant parent/child dynamics. One partner (typically non-ADHD) acts like a (poor) parent figure – taking on too much responsibility, setting goals for a partner, educating, reprimanding or punishing the partner if something isn’t done on time or correctly. Over time, the couple no longer acts in partnership, and many of their interactions are negative.

But think about what Glasser writes. Do you wish to only be “available” through negativity? What sort of partnership is that? There was a period in my own relationship when my husband simply stopped wanting to interact with me because he didn’t want the hassle of dealing with my negative responses…and the less we interacted, the worse both our behavior became.

Over the long haul, we all do better when we are inspired rather than punished. What could you change to better inspire your partner to connect?

If you need help with parent/child dynamics, consider taking my Live couples course, beginning next Tuesday September 23, 2014, as this is one of the issues that it tackles. It's likely that this live couples seminar will be my last for some time, perhaps for good.  So now is the time to sign up!

Given once a week by phone conference call for 8 weeks, this seminar covers such important topics as: ADHD treatment, anger, parent/child interactions, communication strategies, chore issues, lying, cover-ups, sexual interactions, and how to find the positives in ADHD and your relationship.

Register now - the course starts next week! Questions? Contact me directly at morlov@gmail.com.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar.  This eight-session seminar, starting this Tuesday September 23rd, has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“TIME approaches hard questions with a conviction that smart people of good will can disagree fiercely – but that discourse can be reasoned, enlightening, even entertaining.  I don’t believe debate divides us; it draws us together, because the premise is that we are looking for the best answer…” - Nancy Gibbs, first female Managing Editor of TIME magazine

How do you think about your disagreements? As pushing you apart, or as two people who disagree but share a desire to find the best answer?

Many struggling couples would answer the first way – it has become a habit to see their partner as an adversary. This is a huge loss – because it interferes with the collaborative problem solving that is so much in their best interests.

In order to be good collaborators you must start from a place where you each have equal power and respect – so parent/child dynamics really get in the way. If you find you are adversaries, first attack parent/child dynamics together…then start putting communication strategies in place to increase respectful behavior and lessen defensiveness. If you need help with this, consider taking my couples course, beginning September 23, 2014, as this is one of the issues that it tackles.

it's likely that this live couples seminar will be my last for some time, perhaps for good.  So now is the time to sign up!

This is a fabulous seminar - given once a week by phone conference call for 8 weeks.  Many couples have said that it has dramatically changed their lives for the better (see the testimonials at the bottom of the seminar page) 

The seminar covers such important topics as:
    •    What good treatment for ADHD looks like in the context of a serious relationship
    •    Why you are both so angry - and how to change that
    •    Parent/child interactions, and dysfunctional pursuit/retreat patterns - and how to get out of them
    •    Communication strategies that work
    •    Overcoming tasks, time and chore issues for couples
    •    Lying, cover-ups, and rebuilding trust
    •    How to find the positives in ADHD and your relationship

If you are struggling, you probably need this information.  So register now - the course starts September 23rd!
If you have further questions about whether taking this course is right for you and your partner, please email me at morlov@gmail.com.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

Audio Book and Kindle Now Available for The Couple's Guide to Thriving. This book explores why the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“With all our talk about God-given gifts, we’ve convinced a generation of kids that if you’re good at something, it must be effortless. That’s so wrong. The best work is a slog. Then you reach the summit, take a breath, and say Well, that wasn’t easy, but here I am.” -Anna Quindlen

How many magazine articles, romantic comedies and novels have you read that suggest that love is easy?

I agree with Quindlen – there are many, many things in life that take a lot of work, but are worth the effort. I put the nurturing and care of relationships at the top of that list. It’s okay that you are saying “that wasn’t easy, but here I am…”  Be proud of the work you and your partner put into your relationship and the progress you make in understanding each other as a team. That work is part of what binds couples together over time.

Long-term love is like weaving a cloth. Every interaction is a thread – positive interactions are strong threads added to the cloth. Negative interactions are broken threads that weaken the fabric of the relationship. The weaving we do…every day…is hard work. Keep it up!

REGISTRATION FOR MY LIVE COUPLES SEMINAR IS NOW OPEN! THIS VERY POPULAR TELESEMINAR BEGINS SEPTEMBER 23...DETAILS ABOUT THE COURSE ARE AT THIS LINK. TURN YOUR MARRIAGE INTO THE RELATIONSHIP YOU ALWAYS WANTED!

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar.  This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. THE NEXT COUPLE'S SEMINAR STARTS SEPTEMBER 23.

Audio Book and Kindle Now Available for The Couple's Guide to Thriving. Co-authored with Nancie Kohlenberger, LMFT, The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD focuses on emotional "hot spots" couples impacted by ADHD commonly face. The book explores why these Hot Spots are so hard to move past, and what to do about them. It's time to move away from anger, frustration and other difficult emotions and learn how to calm your relationship? For more information, go to this link.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website