Weekly Marriage Tips

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Goodness is a skill you learn through daily practice.”

- Peter Georgescu, The Constant Choice

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Georgescu, who was abducted by the Communists, separated from his parents for eight years, and put to work in a forced labor camp in Romania as a child, has seen his share of evil. Eventually reunited with his family and given asylum in the U.S. starting in his teens, he went on to be CEO of a huge, multi-national company. He credits his success to the many people who gave of their time and energy to generously support him by giving him opportunities to succeed, and his experience with the best in people has encouraged a life of thinking deeply about what makes us good and what makes us evil.

He, like me, is a proponent of shaping your life through intentional actions. Every day one has the opportunity to be a ‘good’ person. Do you take them? Do you seek them out?

These are the questions I would ask you to contemplate this week.

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DON'T FORGET TO SIGN UP FOR THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES SEMINAR SERIES, GIVEN BY PHONE.  NEXT SEMINAR STARTS APRIL 15TH.  USE THIS COUPON CODE - APRIL14 - TO GET $20 OFF WHEN YOU REGISTER.  This seminar has helped many couples improve their ADHD-impacted relationship.  I will not be giving this seminar again until October, 2014 at the earliest.

© 2014 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Be really, really flexible and really, really stubborn at the same time. If you’re really rigid and unable to change, then you’re not going to be successful in the wilderness. But you also have to be stubborn. If you’re not, you’re going to want to go home when things get hard. So it’s this interesting process of bending and not breaking when you go out there.”

- Jennifer Pharr Davis, endurance hiker

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In his endorsement, Ned Hallowell described my new book, The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD, as “a rich and friendly foray into the wilds of ADHD.” I could relate to that idea – living with ADHD can be very much like a wilderness experience! So I was delighted when I stumbled upon this quote from Jennifer Pharr Davis. Doesn’t it describe that delicate balance we all try to make to adjust to ADHD?

Flexibility to handle everything that comes at you by surprise…and then great stubbornness to stick with the challenges. Yep, that’s pretty much it in a nutshell!

Take today to congratulate yourself on your success so far at balancing these two very different characteristics…and perhaps a few moments to see if you can think of these two traits as really wonderful assets in the journey that is living with ADHD.

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DON'T FORGET TO SIGN UP FOR THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES SEMINAR SERIES, GIVEN BY PHONE.  NEXT SEMINAR STARTS APRIL 15TH. USE THIS COUPON CODE - APRIL14 - TO GET $20 OFF WHEN YOU REGISTER. This seminar has helped many couples improve their ADHD-impacted relationship. I will not be giving this seminar again until October, 2014 at the earliest.

© 2014 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Billie Jean King says it’s all about what you want to look back and say. I agree with her. You can look back and say, “I could have been…,” polishing your unused endowments like trophies. Or you can look back and say, “I gave my all for the things I valued.” Think about what you want to look back and say. Then choose your mindset.”

- Carol Dweck, Ph.D., Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

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Carol Dweck’s book is a fascinating look at what it takes to continue to grow in your life…and how we can change our own mindset to help us succeed. It’s a good read, and encourages us to create a ‘growth’ or learning mindset that assumes we can all improve, rather than a ‘fixed’ mindset in which we think our talents are just what they are and can’t change.

This is a hugely relevant idea for couple impacted by ADHD. It’s just too easy to buy into the naysayer’s ideas about ADHD and feel, secretly or otherwise, that the ADHD partner is ‘broken’ and that’s just the way it is.  The truth, as demonstrated over and over again in research about treatment, is that like us all, those with ADHD have a great capacity for growth and change. They simply face a specific set of challenges that ends up with their having the label, ‘ADHD.’

If you struggle with feeling that you or a partner are trapped by ADHD, Dweck’s book can help you think twice about this assumption…and show you how to move into that ‘growth’ mindset that is so beneficial.

TIME IS GROWING SHORT TO SIGN UP FOR THIS SPRING'S ADHD COUPLES SEMINAR, which starts April 15th.  This 8-week seminar is given by conference call, so it's easy to participate and change your relationship for the better.  Full information about the course is at this link.  Use the coupon code "APRIL14" to save $20 on the registration fee.  Please sign up ASAP so you can have more time for the new pre-reading on ADHD treatments!

© 2014 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Are our social (media) lives sabotaging our love lives?”

- Charlotte Alter, writer for Time Magazine

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Okay, right up front I’m going to admit that I have a bias about this. My husband LOVES technology. He has made his career in it, and he can’t envision life without two cell phones (yes, he carries two), four computer monitors at his desk (plus one at the kitchen counter) and an assortment of iPads.

He loves technology so much that I find I am constantly competing with it for his attention. Lots of people have this issue whether they realize it or not – tweeting, sending messages out on facebook, Instagram, reading email, posting on blogs (yes, I include that!), and surfing the net all give your time to people who are not with you instead of the people who are with you.

This is a loss. Those who physically live with us are the most important individuals in our lives. Or, if they aren’t, we shouldn’t be living with them! Time is limited. Make sure that technology doesn’t get in your way more than it needs to by agreeing to some simple rules about how it is used in the company of your family.  One of ours, for example, is no technology at the dinner table. We also try to create outings that are technology free (or social media free – when we bike my husband will take his Garmin to track his ride details, but the focus is on riding together.)  Other ideas include creating technology-free hours (for example banning all technology use on weekend afternoons) and setting specific times to step away from the computer at the end of the work day and be with your family so "instant contact" from coworkers doesn't take precedence over spending time with those closest to you.

Are there ways you can better balance today’s need for technology with creating the time to enrich your personal interactions?

THESE ARE THE LAST DAYS FOR SIGNING UP FOR MY APRIL 15TH LIVE SEMINAR.  USE "APRIL14" TO GET $20 OFF REGISTRATION.  IF YOU HAVE A CONFLICT WITH PASSOVER, YOU CAN EASILY MISS SESSION 1 AND LISTEN TO THE RECORDING LATER.  DON'T MISS THIS SESSION - MY NEXT ONE WON'T BE FOR ANOTHER 6 MONTHS.

© 2014 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Friends can have a subtly negative influence (when they) cause you to drift away from your core self and, consequently, from aspirations most suited to you.  Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project, defines the concept of “drift” as ‘the decision you make by not deciding.’”

- Carlin Flora, Author of “Friendfluence”

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I watch this ‘drift’ happen in many of my couples. For ADHD partners, it often seems easier to ‘go with the flow’ than it does to tackle a tough relationship or life problem that seems overwhelming.  When you do this, your life ends up being one of reacting to what happens to you, rather than creating direction.

Partners without ADHD also frequently ‘drift.’ By focusing on responding to a partner’s ADHD symptoms, for example, they may well lose track of how they create good things in their lives. I’ve had many adults (both with and without ADHD) tell me that after years of struggle, they no longer even like themselves.

The whole process of “setting boundaries’ that I describe in The ADHD Effect on Marriage is about refinding your core self. If you are struggling with not feeling as if you are “you” any more, I suggest you consider reading this chapter. (The book can be found at many libraries, if you don’t own it.)

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The next couple's seminar starts April 15.  You can find out more information at this link.

© 2014 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Neuroplasticity, the brain’s capacity to grown and change, has been clearly confirmed in human adults. By noticing and making more mindful choices about our thoughts, feelings, and reactions, we can actually change the structure, activity, and connections in our brain. Such changes are associated with increased and more balanced empathy, faster recovery after an argument, and decreased negativity bias.”

- Marsha Lucas, Ph.D.

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We change our brains as we make specific choices. This is one of the reasons that improving our relationship through making everyday intentional choices about being positive and thoughtful with our actions (what I call an "intentional relationship”) is so useful.

According to John Ratey, MD, research shows clearly that exercise helps speed the process of creating stronger and new mental pathways through a process called neuroplasticity.  Meditation is another way to change your brain to (eventually) become calmer and inhibit impulsivity.

None of this happens over night.  But making time in your schedule for exercise, making mindful choices and meditation have long-term, physiological benefits.  Can you create more time for one or more of these activities?

MY SECOND BOOK, THE COUPLE'S GUIDE TO THRIVING WITH ADHD, IS NOW AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE AT AMAZON.COM

© 2014 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“I really dislike the idea of genetic testing to produce more perfect babies. Here I am, with learning disabilities and ADHD – I might well have been one of those babies who got weeded out. Yet I’ve turned out very well…”

- My daughter, age 23

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Every once in a while one of your kids says something that really sets you on your heels. This comment, at last night’s dinner, was one of those times. It came during a free-wheeling conversation about resilience and how important a trait it is.

How does one respond to that sort of expression of feeling like an outsider, making it in a world that doesn’t fully appreciate your qualities? Or to the resilience that she has developed over the years of learning about herself, in all her strengths and weaknesses?

We have much to learn and think about if we just listen…

© 2014 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“…the real issue is not how long I live, but how well I live.  It’s not about how many breaths I take, but how many breathless moments I get to live through.  And it’s not about the number of hours I have with friends and loved ones.  It’s the depth, warmth and integrity of the relationships I build with them during the time we spend together.”

- Bahram Akradi, CEO of Life Time Fitness

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There is no doubt that the busy-ness of our lives can easily be detrimental to the strength of our relationships.  It’s not the number of hours you are together - anyone who has sat in the same room with a partner and not spoken a word with each other knows this! BUT, you DO have to have enough time together to ‘attend’ to each other.  That means paying attention in a way that specifically shows your partner you care…and having your partner tuned in enough to accept and notice your attention.  (Dinner with friends doesn't count!  It's not attending to each other, but to other people.)

“Attend time” is an important concept when one or both of you has ADHD.  So much so, in fact, that I spend a good amount of time talking about it in my next book, The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD (available for preorder - being released May 1).

When was the last time you or your partner connected in a way that communicated “I care?”  If it’s been a while, create a plan to change this through your own actions.

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DON'T FORGET TO SIGN UP FOR THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES SEMINAR SERIES, GIVEN BY PHONE.  NEXT SEMINAR STARTS APRIL 15TH.  USE THIS COUPON CODE - APRIL14 - TO GET $20 OFF WHEN YOU REGISTER.  This seminar has helped many couples improve their ADHD-impacted relationship.  I will not be giving this seminar again until October, 2014 at the earliest.

© 2014 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Twixt the optimist and pessimist
The difference is droll
The optimist sees the doughnut
But the pessimist sees the hole”

- taken from a Harvard Medical School health brochure

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(High brow poetry from Harvard!)  Which are you?  A pessimist or optimist?  The answer is actually important.  Research suggests that optimism is a predictor of success in life.  People who are optimistic tend to be “open” to what comes towards them.  Since we are all showered with interesting (sometimes even good) ideas and opportunities, the ability to be open enough to consider them means that when something good comes your way you see it and can act on it if you choose.  If you are a pessimist – meaning you are closed to new ideas – then you don’t notice them.  You’re likely to miss ideas that could really benefit you.

Have you been open to new ideas this week?

I hope you all have a lovely end of the year and, hopefully, some vacation (or at least a bit of rest!)  I'll be back in touch in the first week of January.

For those of you still undecided about your holiday gift giving, consider giving the gift of a better relationship by enrolling in my upcoming couple's seminar (starts January 28th).  This course is given by phone (and recorded, if you miss a session) and has helped many couples start to turn their relationship around.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov