Weekly Marriage Tips

“Love is a verb.... Love in a long term marriage isn't something you say, but love is what you do.” - a friend

Every marriage contains significant tests of love and courage, and mine is no exception. I can write about relationships all day long, but what matters at our house is what I DO each day to make my life happier, and my relationship stronger. Love, truly, is a verb…and sometimes the actions needed to demonstrate my love take courage to implement. That’s okay. Sure, wouldn’t it be great if we were never tested? But then, is there such a relationship? Really?

How could you better act on your love? Ensure that love remains a verb at your house? Could you seek ways to be more patient or empathetic? Could you learn how to hold your tongue rather than critique? Could you spend more time getting your ADHD treatment optimized as a demonstration that you hear your partner’s distress?

It’s worth some self-reflection AND some loving actions to find out.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD has been selected by ADDitude Magazine as a Great Gift Idea for Adults with ADHD. Available in Audio Book and Kindle, it explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you. It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“Life is interesting only as long as it is a process of growth; or, to put it another way, we can grow only as long as we are interested.” - Cheryl Strayed, writing as advice columnist, “Sugar”

One of the saddest things I encounter when working with couples is when one or both partners has ‘checked out’ of their relationship, yet still keeps up the motions.  This creates a toxic environment that is stressful and unhappy for both partners.  You are connected by contract, but not by positive emotion.

I’ve been in this place.  Years can go by when you don’t understand fully what is going on, but know you feel miserably disconnected from your partner and can’t seem to bridge the gap between you because one or both of you has put up a protective wall of disconnection.

Partners often tell me that they are disconnected as a way to protect themselves.  Unfortunately, disconnecting means that the relationship cannot flourish.  Is it really protecting yourself to remain in a position in which you cannot thrive?

If you are in this situation, I strongly urge you to seek professional help.  For couples impacted by ADHD that means finding a counselor who understands this specialty – see the referrals section on my website.  You may also wish to consider taking my couples seminar as a starting place (next session will likely be spring of 2015 – watch these tips for an announcement of the dates.)

As Strayed points out, you can only grow if you are interested.  This is particularly true of couples, who rely on their connection with another, for relationship growth.  Don’t put off finding help – stagnation and negative feelings are not the same thing as ‘being interested.’

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar.  This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD has been selected by ADDitude Magazine as a Great Gift Idea for Adults with ADHD. Available in Audio Book and Kindle, it explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“Neuroplasticity, the brain’s capacity to grown and change, has been clearly confirmed in human adults. By noticing and making more mindful choices about our thoughts, feelings, and reactions, we can actually change the structure, activity, and connections in our brain. Such changes are associated with increased and more balanced empathy, faster recovery after an argument, and decreased negativity bias.” - Marsha Lucas, Ph.D.

We change our brains as we make specific choices. This is one of the reasons that improving our relationship through making everyday intentional choices about being positive and thoughtful with our actions (what I call an "intentional relationship”) is so useful. According to John Ratey, MD, research shows clearly that exercise helps speed the process of creating stronger and new mental pathways through a process called neuroplasticity. Meditation is another way to change your brain to (eventually) become calmer and inhibit impulsivity.

None of this happens over night. But making time in your schedule for exercise, making mindful choices and meditation have long-term, physiological benefits. Can you create more time for one or more of these activities?

Thanksgiving is a great time to reflect on what you are thankful for. I am grateful to be working with a community of people impacted by ADHD. There are so many seeking ways to love their partner more fully and working to make their lives better...truly it is a privilege.  Thank you!

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular eight-session phone seminar ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar.

Delighted to announce that The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD has been named a finalist in the 2014 USA Best Book Awards Psychology and Mental Health category. Available in Audio Book and Kindle, it explores and offers recommendations on what to do about the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you. It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“Gratitude. That’s the gift I’m giving myself this year, and the gift you just might want to give yourself, too. Why? Because it can transform any situation.  It alters your vibration, moving you from negative energy to positive. It’s the quickest, easiest, most powerful way to effect change in your life – this I know for sure” - Oprah Winfrey

Believe it or not, research suggests that taking even a few minutes each day to stop and contemplate what we are grateful for can change our brain’s wiring. Even in the most dire of situations you can usually find something in your life for which you are grateful – so take the time to seek these things out and reflect on them daily. Better yet, share that gratitude with your partner, family members and friends whenever possible.

Our internal stories are critical to how we perceive the events that happen to us. Actively seeking out and reinforcing that which is good in your life can make a big difference…every day.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar.  This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“I’ve learned that while I’d be a fool not to stay open to the advice and experiences of the smart, amazing people in my life, I also need to listen to what I have to say. I’d rather believe in my own choice and see it all go wrong than do something I’m not fully convinced of and later feel guilty about it. So now, when I’m faced with a decision, instead of asking, “What do you guys think?” the first question I ask is, “Alicia, what do you think?” - Alicia Keys

We’re often pretty good at convincing ourselves we should do something we may not totally buy into – out of obligation, because our family tradition says we should, because we fear what happens if we don’t. But Keys has an interesting point. Even after all the experts have weighed in (including me!) it’s time to make that decision with which you feel most comfortable.

Stay open to the experts’ advice. But make sure to listen to what you have to say.

Perhaps you might want to take a moment right now to ask “what does my gut tell me I should be doing differently or better?”

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar.  This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“If I wasn’t dyslexic, I probably wouldn’t have won the Games. If I had been a better reader, then that would have come easily, sports would have come easily…and I never would have realized that the way you get ahead in life is hard work.” - Bruce Jenner, 1976 Olympic gold medalist (decathlon), as reported by Carol Dweck

Jenner isn’t the only one to say that adversity is a factor that can build strength. Michael Phelps, Charles Schwab and many others suggest the same. And I’ve seen this happen with my daughter, as well. Her challenges as a child helped her become much more sensitive to who she is and what she needs. She’s learned that advocating for herself and trying hard is worth the effort.

So there are some very meaningful positives to having challenges such as ADHD and dyslexia. What are your personal challenges? And how do they benefit you?

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar.  This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them. "No need any longer for white knuckles; Orlov and Kohlenberger show you how to create a smooth ride in turbulent air." - Edward Hallowell, M.D.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“What is an ocean, but a multitude of drops?” - David Mitchell

According to some of National Geographic’s top oceanographers, the ocean’s vast beauty…and the fact that we view it mostly from the surface…hides what may be going on deep down. Reefs dying, overfishing, growing pollution…to be good stewards we must investigate both the surface and the depths. In the ocean, every drop matters…but most of us only see part of it.

Our relationships are like that, too. Every interaction matters, even if we only focus on some of the biggest, most obvious ones. That means, to me, that in order to be good stewards of our relationships we must commit ourselves wholeheartedly to making every interaction as good as it can be. To taking the high road even when we are challenged. To persevering in fixing our own issues and bringing our best selves to our relationship. We cannot, of course, control our partner’s side of the interaction, but we can control our own.

This does not mean giving up on what you need and letting a partner roll over you. It means approaching your relationship from a place of clarity and dignity, and with a sense of purpose. You are the steward of your relationship and every one of your interactions in it, just as we are all stewards of those infinite number of drops in the ocean.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving Audio Book and Kindle are now available. This book explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“Intimacy needs time to mature – a shared history, tears shed, obstacles overcome, photographs in an album.  It’s a slow-growing plant.” - unknown

I look back on my marital history and see many things that I would have done differently if I had only known more at the time – identified ADHD early, for example. Not taken the symptoms so personally. Refused to step up and take on my husband’s responsibilities from the get go.

I can’t change that past in which we struggled, so I’ve learned to accept it and focus on today and tomorrow. One way to do this is to understand that overcoming our trouble together has made us stronger as a couple. We are more intimate because over time we have come to know all of each other – the great, the good, the bad and the ugly. There is strength in that slow-grown intimacy, even if at times it feels bittersweet.

                                                               OCTOBER IS ADHD AWARENESS MONTH!

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (In Progress). This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving Audio Book and Kindle are now available. This book explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you. It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“The best virtues thrive with affection.” - Isabele Allende

If a relationship is something to nurture and grow together, affection is like fertilizer. Without it, the relationship withers.

There are many reasons people withhold affection as they start to struggle in their relationship: they worry that signs of affection such as holding hands might signal to their partner that everything is okay; they can’t demonstrate affection when they feel hurt; they wish to punish their partner and withhold affection to do so…

I totally understand and empathize with these feelings. But once both partners are committed to repairing the relationship, couples must make sure that they don’t just focus on the nuts and bolts of repair. Getting better treatment, putting communication strategies in place and learning to organize around chores better is all incredibly important work that can be made “lighter” with the addition of affection.  Yes – this relationship repair stuff is hard work. Make sure to make it just a bit easier with regular gestures of appreciation and affection.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar, has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.

The Couple's Guide to Thriving Audio Book and Kindle Now Available. This book explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you.  It can literally change your life!

Link to ADHD and Marriage website

“Our demons lose their power when we pull them out of the depths where they hide and look them in the face in broad daylight.” - Isabele Allende

Fear. That’s a pretty common personal demon. Fear of failure. Fear of disappointing a partner. Fear of being lonely. Fear of living the rest of your life with the same problems you face now. Fear of trying medication. These are just a few of the “demons” that I encounter regularly in couples with whom I work.

Unfortunately, when these demons stay hidden they encourage us to make poor choices. A partner may fear failing or disappointing a partner – and therefore doesn’t try. (But you can’t make a goal if you don’t shoot the ball!) Or you fear trying medication – so don’t do any research about it or talk with a doctor, leaving your symptoms unchanged. You might fear loneliness…and so don’t speak up for yourself, choosing to remain in a relationship that is unhealthy and static.

To move past this paralysis, we must confront this demon, Fear. A good counselor (who understands ADHD!) can help. So can journaling, talking with compassionate friends or your partner (if your relationship feels ‘safe’ enough.) We make many bad decisions under the influence of hidden fear…time to take control and expose it!

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular eight-session phone seminar ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar.

We're pleased to announce that The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD has been named a finalist in the 2014 USA Best Book Awards Psychology and Mental Health category. Available in Audio Book and Kindle, it explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you at my ADHD and Marriage website.  It can literally change your life!