Weekly Marriage Tips

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Music brings control to my thoughts. It’s not escape – it’s just order. I’m making order out of a disorder…If I was stuck at a different job I’d be horrible and wouldn’t survive.”

- will.i.am, who has ADHD

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Seven-time Grammy winner, will.i.am notes how perfect his job is for him.  He followed his passion and has had great success.  He’s NOT trying to mediate his weaknesses and become be an accountant or doctor or…  This is the concept behind strengths-based treatment for ADHD.  You treat the ADHD, yes, but you do so while helping the person who has the ADHD find what they are really, really good at.  Everyone has something at which they excel.  For those with ADHD, lots of times these things are creative (music, art, writing, seeing things in new ways, etc.) or related to adrenaline (emergency room work, day trading) or involve physical exertion (athletics, juggling, leading tour groups, building trails at national parks, etc.)

I hope that the ADHD adults in your family have already identified their strengths and find some satisfaction applying them to their work.  If you have children with ADHD, please keep the strengths idea in mind.  It may lead to a unique career for your family (circus performer, dolphin trainer, music writer and producer) but, like will.i.am has found – a good fit can lead to all sorts of success.

P.S.  Music happens to calm the minds of many with ADHD.  If your ADHD partner listens to music all day long, that may be one explanation.

© 2014 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Dream on…”

-Aerosmith

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Working on your relationship takes lots of energy.  And sometimes, particularly when you are working hard to change older, not-so-great habits into new ones, that work can be a SLOG!  If you’re wondering if you’re ever going to have fun again, take some time off (WITH your spouse!) and just dream a bit.  Where are you going?  What would the two of you love to do together?  What do you love about what’s happening and each other?  Is there a short, fun break you could take that would just help you relax?

You need a break from the hard work, and a chance to remind yourselves where you are going, and how much fun you can have together.

P.S.  The high school connection is that Aerosmith is a Boston band, that played in my high school gymnasium soon after “Dream On” was released and before they stopped doing gyms forever…Very fun!

LAST DAY TO REGISTER FOR THIS ADHD EFFECT COUPLE'S SEMINAR, GIVEN BY TELECONFERENCE IN 8 SESSIONS.  STARTS TONIGHT, JANUARY 28.  PLEASE REGISTER BEFORE 6PM EASTERN IF YOU ARE GOING TO JOIN IN...

© 2014 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Maximal efficiency is not necessarily a value to strive for; inefficiency often produces social benefits.  (For example) Not knowing exactly how much readership each story got probably led newspapers to extensive coverage of state government.”

- from an article in MIT Technology Review about the use of large data sets

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There are times in a marriage when efficiency is important – when we have very small children comes to mind so you can keep them safe by (say) putting up that baby gate on time.  But there are many MORE times when it’s not nearly as important as we think.  In my household, for example, we certainly have routines.  But if someone falls out of them, I have learned to put my relationships first and efficiency second.  That means sometimes things don’t go very fast and sometimes it may get messy.  I used to complain about it and now I (mostly) don’t…and everyone (including me) is happier with the change.  Because the reality is – it’s a lot more important that everyone feel loved than that everything be picked up.

Think about what really needs to be efficient in your household (paying bills is a good example) and how much of what you worry about can actually wait.  Then, take some of your worry and “efficiency” energy, and spend it on your relationship building instead.

DON'T FORGET - My next couples seminar starts in less than a week (Tuesday, Jan 28).  Sign up now to start 2014 with a relationship builder you won't forget!  Information about the course is at this link.

© 2014 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“ • Forgiveness is giving up the wish that things could be different
  • Don’t let your fear of today rob you of a fun life
  • If you’re not here now, where the hell are you?
  • I’ve never been a fan of the good ‘ol days.  For me the best day has always been this one."

- From “Ready to Say Goodbye,” an article on Valerie Harper’s living with her diagnosis of terminal cancer,  People Magazine, 3/18/13

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What’s the most important advice you provide when you are near death?  These bullets are some of Valerie Harper’s ideas on that topic.  In them she shares great wisdom, made the more emotional because of what she faces.  I thought they might inspire you, too.

Having a terminal illness focuses you on what's important, but you don't have to be ill to take her advice.  Life is shorter than we imagine, and we owe it to ourselves to forgive and to do what we can to create joy and happiness for ourselves.

Are you living today in a way that you'll never regret?

IF YOU ARE CONSIDERING JOINING MY UPCOMING COUPLE'S SEMINAR, PLEASE SIGN UP AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE.  I WILL BE SENDING OUT THE TREATMENT CHAPTER OF MY NEW BOOK AS PRE-READING FOR THE FIRST SESSION.  FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS EXCELLENT SEMINAR AT THIS LINK.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“I’ve been working on myself quite a bit lately – I think I had lost myself a bit for a while.  Perhaps when I’m more myself my wife will like me better.”

“That is a good thing to do.  Are you spending time sharing the new, better you with your wife?”

“No...”

- recent conversation between me and my cousin

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I loved that my cousin was sharing his experiences with me.  But I have to admit that I gave him a gentle push towards sharing his discoveries and energy with his wife.  That way she gets to see the positives, too.  I suggested that he shouldn't indulge yet in big talks about therapy or his goals, just start creating some happier moments together as a couple.  She will enjoy being with the 'new' (or 'old' depending upon your point of view!) him.

If you are working on improving yourself, don't forget to share the good qualities you find in yourself with your partner!

DON'T FORGET - THE NEXT COUPLES SEMINAR STARTS ON JANUARY 28TH.  GIVE YOURSELF A NEW YEAR'S GIFT OF A BETTER RELATIONSHIP FOR THE TWO OF YOU!

© 2014 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“I’ve learned to see the outcome of any effort as either success or education.  Both are invaluable."

- Martha Beck

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I think this is a critical concept for all couples, and particularly for those with ADHD.  Effort is the key idea here – and experimentation.  Every time you try something different to address a problem that you have, you learn something.  Sometimes you learn that you just solved the problem!  Lots of times you don’t, though.  In that case, learn from what didn’t work, and make a new plan.  THAT’S how you make progress learning to manage ADHD and ADHD-impacted relationships!

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“My wife and I got into the habit of griping about the day’s frustrations as soon as we got home from work.  After a while, though, I realized that if you discuss only problems with your partner, there’s a good chance you’ll develop a problem relationship.”

- Dr. Phil

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My husband used to be late coming home from the office – he had a lot to do…work and traffic don’t always make it easy to get to family dinner.  It used to make me angry, though, so when he walked through the door there was often a negative interaction between us.  Either “you’re late again and didn’t call” or a defensive response on his part “The traffic was terrible…” and anticipation that I was about to complain (that’s the nice word for it!)

That’s simply a bad way to start your evening, and you both deserve better than that.  We solved our problem, when the kids were younger by having a regular dinner time that he made when he could.  He missed the fun when he didn’t eat with us, so he tried to make it as much as possible.  The real benefit, though, was that clarifying that what time he arrived was his responsibility, not mine, helped us both be more even tempered when he did arrive – we had happier evenings.

P.S. So did the kids.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“I like hiring (inexperienced engineers because they are) unsullied.  I want people to think they are pioneering something.  I want us all to be fresh, know nothing and be willing to experiment on something new.  I’m very keen on wrong thinking.”

- Inventor James Dyson

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I laughed out loud when I read this, trying to imagine a speech in which he says “I’m very keen on wrong thinking” in a sort of British accent…!  Lovely!  But think about the idea – fresh thinking brings creative new ideas.  When I work with couples I encourage them to have an “old relationship” and a “new relationship.”  The latter is the one that starts after they’ve found out about ADHD and learned new things about it from my book and from starting to work on their relationship in new ways.  The reason I do this is I want them to think of their new tools as an opportunity for a fresh start.  To try things that haven’t worked in the past in a new way that reflects their new understanding…to be open to experimenting with fresh (maybe weird) ideas.  That’s SO much better than bringing your past hurts forward and assuming you’ll continue to fail because you have in the past!

Surely if Dyson had started from “we can’t do this” we would never have a vacuum that rolls on a big ball…

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“I am not eccentric.  It’s just that I am more alive than most people.”

- Dame Edith Sidwell

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I love the positive tone of this quote!  There is so much life!  Take a moment to appreciate the eccentricities that you and your partner have…and to think about this idea – what would it take for the two of you to live your lives in a way that could make you feel “more alive than most people?”

A really interesting question!
 

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Worrying about things that haven’t happened yet doesn’t protect us from pain.  Ask anyone who has experienced a tragedy; they’ll tell you there is no way to prepare.”

- Brene Brown, in Oprah Magazine

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I talk with a lot of couples in which a non-ADHD spouse is quite worried that bad things are going to continue to happen with the ADHD spouse.  The worrying itself becomes an issue for the couple because it means that the worrier is always on alert to any possible issue.  Since the ADHD partner is aware of that, he or she becomes particularly tense and worried as well.  This means that even a small mistake or slip that might not become very big in most circumstances can escalate quickly because of the tension created by the anxiety lurking nearby.

Try alleviating this worry by focusing on the present – has my partner been a good partner this week?  Have I been a good partner this week?  Today?  If not, what can either of us do better?  And what’s the most constructive way to talk about it?  It can also be very useful to focus on finding the positives in what is happening.  If you have to focus on something, wouldn’t it be better for you both if you spent your time trying to find the positives than spending your time anxiously awaiting the next problem?

© 2013 Melissa Orlov