Weekly Marriage Tips

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“My wife and I got into the habit of griping about the day’s frustrations as soon as we got home from work.  After a while, though, I realized that if you discuss only problems with your partner, there’s a good chance you’ll develop a problem relationship.”

- Dr. Phil

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My husband used to be late coming home from the office – he had a lot to do…work and traffic don’t always make it easy to get to family dinner.  It used to make me angry, though, so when he walked through the door there was often a negative interaction between us.  Either “you’re late again and didn’t call” or a defensive response on his part “The traffic was terrible…” and anticipation that I was about to complain (that’s the nice word for it!)

That’s simply a bad way to start your evening, and you both deserve better than that.  We solved our problem, when the kids were younger by having a regular dinner time that he made when he could.  He missed the fun when he didn’t eat with us, so he tried to make it as much as possible.  The real benefit, though, was that clarifying that what time he arrived was his responsibility, not mine, helped us both be more even tempered when he did arrive – we had happier evenings.

P.S. So did the kids.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“I like hiring (inexperienced engineers because they are) unsullied.  I want people to think they are pioneering something.  I want us all to be fresh, know nothing and be willing to experiment on something new.  I’m very keen on wrong thinking.”

- Inventor James Dyson

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I laughed out loud when I read this, trying to imagine a speech in which he says “I’m very keen on wrong thinking” in a sort of British accent…!  Lovely!  But think about the idea – fresh thinking brings creative new ideas.  When I work with couples I encourage them to have an “old relationship” and a “new relationship.”  The latter is the one that starts after they’ve found out about ADHD and learned new things about it from my book and from starting to work on their relationship in new ways.  The reason I do this is I want them to think of their new tools as an opportunity for a fresh start.  To try things that haven’t worked in the past in a new way that reflects their new understanding…to be open to experimenting with fresh (maybe weird) ideas.  That’s SO much better than bringing your past hurts forward and assuming you’ll continue to fail because you have in the past!

Surely if Dyson had started from “we can’t do this” we would never have a vacuum that rolls on a big ball…

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“I am not eccentric.  It’s just that I am more alive than most people.”

- Dame Edith Sidwell

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I love the positive tone of this quote!  There is so much life!  Take a moment to appreciate the eccentricities that you and your partner have…and to think about this idea – what would it take for the two of you to live your lives in a way that could make you feel “more alive than most people?”

A really interesting question!
 

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Worrying about things that haven’t happened yet doesn’t protect us from pain.  Ask anyone who has experienced a tragedy; they’ll tell you there is no way to prepare.”

- Brene Brown, in Oprah Magazine

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I talk with a lot of couples in which a non-ADHD spouse is quite worried that bad things are going to continue to happen with the ADHD spouse.  The worrying itself becomes an issue for the couple because it means that the worrier is always on alert to any possible issue.  Since the ADHD partner is aware of that, he or she becomes particularly tense and worried as well.  This means that even a small mistake or slip that might not become very big in most circumstances can escalate quickly because of the tension created by the anxiety lurking nearby.

Try alleviating this worry by focusing on the present – has my partner been a good partner this week?  Have I been a good partner this week?  Today?  If not, what can either of us do better?  And what’s the most constructive way to talk about it?  It can also be very useful to focus on finding the positives in what is happening.  If you have to focus on something, wouldn’t it be better for you both if you spent your time trying to find the positives than spending your time anxiously awaiting the next problem?

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it!”
- My mother

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I never completely bought this idea…Somehow it seemed my mother always said it when she was mad at me and wanted to shut me up!  But maybe that was a youthful interpretation – for the real thought is ‘be respectful at all times.’  And that is just plain good advice.

In my couples course I talk about respect and how each person must hold him or herself to a high standard in terms of treating a partner with respect.  Think about the last 48 hours - were you completely respectful?  Even when you were upset?  If not, think about how you might have been able to do better.  It will help your relationship!  And, to clarify MY take on Mom's advice...  You can (and should) say things that are difficult even if you aren't in agreement with your partner.  Better to air it than to let it fester.  Just always do it respectfully.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Most marital arguments cannot be resolved.  Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind – but it can’t be done.  This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage.”

- John Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

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Think about the arguments you and your partner have had in the last two weeks.  How many of them are spats you’ve had before?  Most, I bet.  Some research suggests that about 70% of fights are unresolvable for just the reasons that Gottman suggests – they result from legitimate and lasting differences between you.

Instead of fighting, think of yourselves as negotiating a “work around.”  Assume your differences of opinions will last – if that's the case, what do you do right now so that you can move on with your lives?  Given the figures, creating work arounds is how you’ll “resolve” your differences most of the time.

So, thinking about the last two weeks – is there an ongoing fight that might benefit from negotiating a work around?

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“To compensate for being unable to fit into the conventional roles and behaviors expected of women, I styled myself as an eccentric renegade. This allowed me to save face and cope with my seeming inadequacies and bafflement about how to fit in with my gender. It was like I had a secret agenda—so secret, in fact, that even I wasn’t aware of it. Right up to my ADHD diagnosis, I’d been walking a tightrope, trying to meet social expectations while also pretending I didn’t care about them. Secretly, I wanted to prove that I could get a house, a husband, a career, a life. I was going to show ’em—but I’d do it my way.

Finally, after I learned about ADHD and gradually began to discover my own values and what was truly important to me, I could drop the veneer of renegade. Then, just as it clanged to the sidewalk, bounced once, and wobbled, I could snatch it up again to wear it with authenticity and pride. Recognizing the trap and springing free was both liberating and invigorating. I began to let myself be me.”

- Zoe Kessler, from her new book ADHD According to Zoe
 

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Kessler’s new book gives an inside peak into what it’s like to be a person with ADHD, and her insights are terrific.  How many people with ADHD identify with her idea that being a renegade (or a class clown, or an eccentric) is a way to cope with seeming inadequacies and bafflement on the inside while putting on a good face on the outside?

I hear this idea from those with ADHD with some frequency.  Particularly moving are comments from those who have experienced success at work or home who tell me that they feel like an imposter or fraud - constantly concerned that they will be ‘discovered’ and suddenly lose…wife, job, status, friends…you name it.

By learning about ADHD and how she relates to her ADHD, Kessler can now be proud of who she is, instead of hiding.  This acceptance is something I wish for everyone with ADHD.  If you want to hear some of Kessler’s stories about how she got there, grab a copy of her book, ADHD According to Zoe.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Maximal efficiency is not necessarily a value to strive for; inefficiency often produces social benefits.”

- Brian Bergstein, paraphrasing Evgeny Morozov, author of “To Save Everything Click Here: The Folly of Technological Solutionism”  (article about how having lots of data sometimes leads us to value the wrong things)

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I can’t think of anything that is efficient about love!  It’s sloppy, takes a ton of time and attention, goes in unexpected directions, loops back on itself sometimes and is often harder to measure than we would like.

Often, as we judge our relationships we assess things about efficiency – how many chores are hanging over our heads...how long it takes to do something...whether or not our partner did something they said they would… and more.

A good relationship includes both some “efficient” and a good amount of “inefficient.”  Though it's easy to lose faith because yet another chore didn't get done, try to focus on your relationship instead.  Can you carve out more time to focus on each other - perhaps with a date night or special activity?  Are there special characteristics your partner possesses that are becoming unfairly devalued with his or her struggle with ADHD?  As you look to measure the success of your relationship, make sure you place enough value on that which is inefficient…and, if appropriate, a little less value on efficiency.

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GREAT NEWS!  I'VE ADDED A BONUS SESSION AT THE END OF MY LIVE COUPLES SEMINAR ON HOW TO VALUE ADHD CHARACTERISTICS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.  THE NEXT LIVE SEMINAR STARTS OCTOBER 1.  FIND OUT MORE INFORMATION AND/OR REGISTER HERE!

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

(written about a church that had fallen into disrepair) “As a ruin, it had taken on something of the extraordinary…The rose window was more elegant for lack of glass, the bones of its corolla scoured by wind and bleached white in the sun…It was like love, he thought, this crumbling chapel:  It had been complicated, and thereby perfected, by what time had done to it.”

- from The Invisible Bridge, by Julie Orringer

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My relationship with my husband is very much like this church – not in the crumbling aspect, but by its complexity.  Though our relationship has had hard times, it is those very complications – and our joint overcoming of adversity -  which makes it rich and gives it beauty.  We have learned we can overcome the relationship version of “scoured by wind and bleached white in the sun” and are grateful every day.

P.S.  The Invisible Bridge is quite a lovely book.

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REGISTRATION FOR THE NEXT LIVE COUPLES COURSE IS OPEN.  THE COURSE STARTS OCTOBER 1

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Why was I so unable to do something so painfully simple?  Whatever sense of professional competence we feel in adult life is less the sum of accomplishment than the absence of impossibility:  it’s really our relief at no longer having to do things we were never any good at doing in the first place – relief at never again having to dissect a frog or memorize the periodic table.”

- Adam Gopnik, on learning how to draw as an adult (from New Yorker, 6/27/11)

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I was struck by this concept that adult life is about the absence of impossibility because it made me wonder if this is the case for those with ADHD.  It seems as if there is no “relief at no longer having to do things we were never good at doing” for most ADHD adults because the daily chores associated with raising families tend to require skills such as organizing and being on time that are so hard with ADHD.

I'm a non-ADHD adult who has trouble with math (actually, most likely undiagnosed dyscalculia, which is an inability to calculate numbers.) I did what Gopnik suggested.  Once out of school I simply chose a career that didn’t need much math and didn’t bother to balance my checkbook.  Voila!  Relief!  It's not so easy with ADHD, which crosses into so many different areas of one's life. 

The more I thought about that, the more humbled I felt.  One's “success” isn’t just about competence, but also about aligning your skills with what you do in life.  I’m just plain lucky that my particular disability was so narrow.  My appreciation to all of those who have ADHD and struggle each day to manage it.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov