Weekly Marriage Tips

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

(written about a church that had fallen into disrepair) “As a ruin, it had taken on something of the extraordinary…The rose window was more elegant for lack of glass, the bones of its corolla scoured by wind and bleached white in the sun…It was like love, he thought, this crumbling chapel:  It had been complicated, and thereby perfected, by what time had done to it.”

- from The Invisible Bridge, by Julie Orringer

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My relationship with my husband is very much like this church – not in the crumbling aspect, but by its complexity.  Though our relationship has had hard times, it is those very complications – and our joint overcoming of adversity -  which makes it rich and gives it beauty.  We have learned we can overcome the relationship version of “scoured by wind and bleached white in the sun” and are grateful every day.

P.S.  The Invisible Bridge is quite a lovely book.

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REGISTRATION FOR THE NEXT LIVE COUPLES COURSE IS OPEN.  THE COURSE STARTS OCTOBER 1

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Why was I so unable to do something so painfully simple?  Whatever sense of professional competence we feel in adult life is less the sum of accomplishment than the absence of impossibility:  it’s really our relief at no longer having to do things we were never any good at doing in the first place – relief at never again having to dissect a frog or memorize the periodic table.”

- Adam Gopnik, on learning how to draw as an adult (from New Yorker, 6/27/11)

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I was struck by this concept that adult life is about the absence of impossibility because it made me wonder if this is the case for those with ADHD.  It seems as if there is no “relief at no longer having to do things we were never good at doing” for most ADHD adults because the daily chores associated with raising families tend to require skills such as organizing and being on time that are so hard with ADHD.

I'm a non-ADHD adult who has trouble with math (actually, most likely undiagnosed dyscalculia, which is an inability to calculate numbers.) I did what Gopnik suggested.  Once out of school I simply chose a career that didn’t need much math and didn’t bother to balance my checkbook.  Voila!  Relief!  It's not so easy with ADHD, which crosses into so many different areas of one's life. 

The more I thought about that, the more humbled I felt.  One's “success” isn’t just about competence, but also about aligning your skills with what you do in life.  I’m just plain lucky that my particular disability was so narrow.  My appreciation to all of those who have ADHD and struggle each day to manage it.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed.  It means the damage no longer controls our lives”

- unknown, posted on Facebook by Coach Sharon St. John

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Healing and forgiveness are closely related.  To heal, just as to forgive, you do not need to believe what your partner did to you is “okay.”  In fact, you can hate it.  But in order to heal you have to love yourself enough to explore your hurt and then do what you need to be able to let go of it.  Until you let go of the damage and your hurt feelings, it’s hard to move forward.

The classic case is letting go of a partner’s affair.  You will never think that her affair was a good thing.  And the damage it caused will always remain – you will never think of your partner or your relationship in the same way again.  But that affair need not control your feelings, actions or interactions for the rest of your life.  In fact, to let it do so would mean that, in his own way, the “other guy” won.

Healing, and forgiveness, are gifts you give to yourself so you can live a happy life again.

For those of you having trouble forgiving someone, Ned Hallowell explores this idea in his lovely book, “Dare to Forgive” which is full of great ideas about how to let go of hurt.

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REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN FOR MY HIGHLY ACCLAIMED COUPLES PHONE SEMINAR THAT STARTS OCT. 1ST.  FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER IT INCLUDES A BONUS SESSION ON FINDING ADHD STRENGTHS.  IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP, REGISTER NOW!  (P.S. - I RECORD ALL LIVE SESSIONS SO IF YOU MISS ONE YOU CAN LISTEN TO IT LATER TO 'CATCH UP' AGAIN!)

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Happiness is not a one-size-all proposition.  You must define what it looks like for you and then make a conscious effort to access whatever gets you to your unique definition of joy…it’s up to you to start behaving your way to happiness.”

- Dr. Phil

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When I work with couples about creating joy and intimacy in their relationships one of the suggestions I have is that they create an “intentional relationship” with each other. By this I mean that they consider who it is they each wish themselves to be (not their partner, but themselves), where it is they wish to go as that person, and then start acting their way to that destination.  I was delighted when I saw Dr. Phil’s similar advice.

There are some things we most certainly do NOT control – our partner’s behavior being a prime example.  But we control much more than we often assume.  You may not be able to control whether or not your partner flips you the finger, for example, but you most certainly can control your response.  Will you flip back?  Will you stay angry for 5 days?  Will you calmly note his disrespect, and then talk with him later about your feelings when he’s not feeling so negative?

Our conscious decisions about how we respond to our partners – and how we seek joy – make a big difference in the course of our days.

© 2014 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Be the person your dog thinks you are.”

- posted on Facebook
 

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As you might imagine, this quote was accompanied by a picture of a Golden Retriever looking at you happily and hopefully (with its tongue hanging out - what else?!)

Sometimes, great relationship advice is pretty simple!

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“I learned a great deal by observing a variety of leadership styles.  The most basic lesson is this:  Effective leadership is based on persuasion, not on hierarchy or on one’s position on an organizational chart.  Leadership is most effective when you bring cooperative work to bear on solving hard problems.”

- Clayton Spencer, President of Bates College

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Perhaps the hardest problem I ever had to face was how to fix my struggling marriage.  And I chose the “wrong” way to do it – pushing and pushing my husband to change what he was doing.  After years of failure with that method I finally learned to “lead” a different way – by trying to persuade my husband when there is something to be concerned about, and by “bringing cooperative work to bear” when we have a hard problem to solve.

And this method works!  First, it’s respectful and he responds to that.  Second, the problems are ours, not mine alone.  Only with his cooperation and buy-in will we ever really solve them.

Are you using Spencer’s leadership advice? 

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REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN FOR MY LIVE PHONE SEMINAR FOR COUPLES IMPACTED BY ADHD.  THIS COURSE HAS HELPED MANY COUPLES IMPROVE THEIR RELATIONSHIP.  MORE INFO AT THIS LINK.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities.”

- William Arthur Ward as quoted in Bryan Hutchinson’s new e-book, 7 Crucial Tips for Parents and Teachers of Children with ADHD

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I really like this quote…it’s the kind of thing you might see on one of those inspirational posters.

It’s hard to be like this true friend when you are struggling in a marriage – your partner, who should be your true friend, can feel more like your opponent.  But think about this quote.  If you were going to BE this true friend, how would you act towards your partner?

Each person will answer this question a little bit differently but my own approach when we changed our marriage was to:
-    Be completely open, transparent with my partner – make the relationship always safe
-    Show appreciation and warmth whenever possible
-    Be accepting of our differences – and accepting of the fact that we choose different paths in how we lead our daily lives
-    Be patient

What would it take for you to be the good friend mentioned in this quote?

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REGISTRATION FOR MY LIVE COUPLES SEMINAR IS NOW OPEN!  AND I'VE ADDED A FREE BONUS SESSION ON APPRECIATING ADHD...DETAILS ABOUT THE COURSE ARE AT THIS LINK.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“For most people, sacrifices and hardships are not a choice but a necessity – and tougher than ever because of the expansion of working hours.  In 2009, married middle-income parents worked about 8.5 hours more per week than in 1979.  Just as expectations about work hours have risen dramatically, so have expectations of how much time mothers will spend focused on their children.  An employed mom today spends about the same amount of time reading to, feeding and playing with her children as a non-employed mother did in 1975.”

- Sheryl Sandberg, Author of Lean In and COO of Facebook
 

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I’m delighted that moms today spend as much time reading and playing with their kids as they did in 1975 – that’s so important!…but our lives are most certainly busier!  And balancing it all is really hard.  Something has to go – but here’s what it shouldn’t be – time spent attending to your spouse.  Instead, say "no" to some requests for assistance from others.

I can’t even count the number of women who have wistfully said to me “well, with the kids and work and everything we just got so busy...my husband and I just grew apart.”  Often we are talking about how she no longer has a sex life…or worse.

I’m going to say something radical here:  Marriages need nurturing even more than kids (beyond basic safety and love!)  Your relationship with your spouse is the umbrella under which your children live and thrive.  If you and your spouse are happy, your children will likely follow.  So take a look at how you allocate your family time.  Are you spending enough of it one on one with your partner?  If not, consider replacing kid time with spouse time.  It's likely that everyone will be benefit.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Stop, in the name of love, before you break my heart!”

- Diana Ross and the Supremes

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Are you secretly having an emotional or physical affair?  It’s pretty common in struggling relationships, particularly those with and ADHD partner.  Poor impulse control can lead to porn or sex addictions and difficult relationships can lead either partner to seek affection outside of the relationship.

Aside from the hurt these actions will eventually cause your spouse when they find out (and they likely will) these are coping strategies that point away from your partner and relationship.  If you think you want to have a better relationship you need to engage, not move away!  And the time to engage with your partner and disengage from your porn or affair is now.

Think carefully about your current situation and ask yourself “is what I’m doing making my relationship better?”  If you’re honest, the answer is likely “no.”  I urge you to reconsider. 

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“She carries on without a doubt
I wonder if she’s figured out
I’m crazy for this girl…”

- Evan and Jared

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The singer of this song must not have ADHD!  If he did that girl would have NO DOUBT about his feelings!  You have not been courted until you’ve been courted by someone with courtship hyperfocus ADHD!

That hyperfocus is the result of the dopamine rush that infatuation brings.  We all get this rush, but there is a larger gap between “infatuated” and “normal behaviors” for someone with ADHD because normal state is “distracted.”  And chronic distraction feels like “my partner doesn’t love me” to a non-ADHD spouse.

If you have ADHD, schedule (literally) time to attend to your partner without any possible distractions (that includes no phones!!).  Good times are right before bed, weekends and date nights.  Clear your space and mind of everything but your partner.  Blocks of “attend time” will reassure your partner you still love her/him, even if you are often distracted.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov