Weekly Marriage Tips

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it!”
- My mother

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I never completely bought this idea…Somehow it seemed my mother always said it when she was mad at me and wanted to shut me up!  But maybe that was a youthful interpretation – for the real thought is ‘be respectful at all times.’  And that is just plain good advice.

In my couples course I talk about respect and how each person must hold him or herself to a high standard in terms of treating a partner with respect.  Think about the last 48 hours - were you completely respectful?  Even when you were upset?  If not, think about how you might have been able to do better.  It will help your relationship!  And, to clarify MY take on Mom's advice...  You can (and should) say things that are difficult even if you aren't in agreement with your partner.  Better to air it than to let it fester.  Just always do it respectfully.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Most marital arguments cannot be resolved.  Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind – but it can’t be done.  This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage.”

- John Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

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Think about the arguments you and your partner have had in the last two weeks.  How many of them are spats you’ve had before?  Most, I bet.  Some research suggests that about 70% of fights are unresolvable for just the reasons that Gottman suggests – they result from legitimate and lasting differences between you.

Instead of fighting, think of yourselves as negotiating a “work around.”  Assume your differences of opinions will last – if that's the case, what do you do right now so that you can move on with your lives?  Given the figures, creating work arounds is how you’ll “resolve” your differences most of the time.

So, thinking about the last two weeks – is there an ongoing fight that might benefit from negotiating a work around?

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“To compensate for being unable to fit into the conventional roles and behaviors expected of women, I styled myself as an eccentric renegade. This allowed me to save face and cope with my seeming inadequacies and bafflement about how to fit in with my gender. It was like I had a secret agenda—so secret, in fact, that even I wasn’t aware of it. Right up to my ADHD diagnosis, I’d been walking a tightrope, trying to meet social expectations while also pretending I didn’t care about them. Secretly, I wanted to prove that I could get a house, a husband, a career, a life. I was going to show ’em—but I’d do it my way.

Finally, after I learned about ADHD and gradually began to discover my own values and what was truly important to me, I could drop the veneer of renegade. Then, just as it clanged to the sidewalk, bounced once, and wobbled, I could snatch it up again to wear it with authenticity and pride. Recognizing the trap and springing free was both liberating and invigorating. I began to let myself be me.”

- Zoe Kessler, from her new book ADHD According to Zoe
 

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Kessler’s new book gives an inside peak into what it’s like to be a person with ADHD, and her insights are terrific.  How many people with ADHD identify with her idea that being a renegade (or a class clown, or an eccentric) is a way to cope with seeming inadequacies and bafflement on the inside while putting on a good face on the outside?

I hear this idea from those with ADHD with some frequency.  Particularly moving are comments from those who have experienced success at work or home who tell me that they feel like an imposter or fraud - constantly concerned that they will be ‘discovered’ and suddenly lose…wife, job, status, friends…you name it.

By learning about ADHD and how she relates to her ADHD, Kessler can now be proud of who she is, instead of hiding.  This acceptance is something I wish for everyone with ADHD.  If you want to hear some of Kessler’s stories about how she got there, grab a copy of her book, ADHD According to Zoe.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Maximal efficiency is not necessarily a value to strive for; inefficiency often produces social benefits.”

- Brian Bergstein, paraphrasing Evgeny Morozov, author of “To Save Everything Click Here: The Folly of Technological Solutionism”  (article about how having lots of data sometimes leads us to value the wrong things)

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I can’t think of anything that is efficient about love!  It’s sloppy, takes a ton of time and attention, goes in unexpected directions, loops back on itself sometimes and is often harder to measure than we would like.

Often, as we judge our relationships we assess things about efficiency – how many chores are hanging over our heads...how long it takes to do something...whether or not our partner did something they said they would… and more.

A good relationship includes both some “efficient” and a good amount of “inefficient.”  Though it's easy to lose faith because yet another chore didn't get done, try to focus on your relationship instead.  Can you carve out more time to focus on each other - perhaps with a date night or special activity?  Are there special characteristics your partner possesses that are becoming unfairly devalued with his or her struggle with ADHD?  As you look to measure the success of your relationship, make sure you place enough value on that which is inefficient…and, if appropriate, a little less value on efficiency.

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GREAT NEWS!  I'VE ADDED A BONUS SESSION AT THE END OF MY LIVE COUPLES SEMINAR ON HOW TO VALUE ADHD CHARACTERISTICS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.  THE NEXT LIVE SEMINAR STARTS OCTOBER 1.  FIND OUT MORE INFORMATION AND/OR REGISTER HERE!

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

(written about a church that had fallen into disrepair) “As a ruin, it had taken on something of the extraordinary…The rose window was more elegant for lack of glass, the bones of its corolla scoured by wind and bleached white in the sun…It was like love, he thought, this crumbling chapel:  It had been complicated, and thereby perfected, by what time had done to it.”

- from The Invisible Bridge, by Julie Orringer

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My relationship with my husband is very much like this church – not in the crumbling aspect, but by its complexity.  Though our relationship has had hard times, it is those very complications – and our joint overcoming of adversity -  which makes it rich and gives it beauty.  We have learned we can overcome the relationship version of “scoured by wind and bleached white in the sun” and are grateful every day.

P.S.  The Invisible Bridge is quite a lovely book.

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REGISTRATION FOR THE NEXT LIVE COUPLES COURSE IS OPEN.  THE COURSE STARTS OCTOBER 1

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Why was I so unable to do something so painfully simple?  Whatever sense of professional competence we feel in adult life is less the sum of accomplishment than the absence of impossibility:  it’s really our relief at no longer having to do things we were never any good at doing in the first place – relief at never again having to dissect a frog or memorize the periodic table.”

- Adam Gopnik, on learning how to draw as an adult (from New Yorker, 6/27/11)

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I was struck by this concept that adult life is about the absence of impossibility because it made me wonder if this is the case for those with ADHD.  It seems as if there is no “relief at no longer having to do things we were never good at doing” for most ADHD adults because the daily chores associated with raising families tend to require skills such as organizing and being on time that are so hard with ADHD.

I'm a non-ADHD adult who has trouble with math (actually, most likely undiagnosed dyscalculia, which is an inability to calculate numbers.) I did what Gopnik suggested.  Once out of school I simply chose a career that didn’t need much math and didn’t bother to balance my checkbook.  Voila!  Relief!  It's not so easy with ADHD, which crosses into so many different areas of one's life. 

The more I thought about that, the more humbled I felt.  One's “success” isn’t just about competence, but also about aligning your skills with what you do in life.  I’m just plain lucky that my particular disability was so narrow.  My appreciation to all of those who have ADHD and struggle each day to manage it.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed.  It means the damage no longer controls our lives”

- unknown, posted on Facebook by Coach Sharon St. John

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Healing and forgiveness are closely related.  To heal, just as to forgive, you do not need to believe what your partner did to you is “okay.”  In fact, you can hate it.  But in order to heal you have to love yourself enough to explore your hurt and then do what you need to be able to let go of it.  Until you let go of the damage and your hurt feelings, it’s hard to move forward.

The classic case is letting go of a partner’s affair.  You will never think that her affair was a good thing.  And the damage it caused will always remain – you will never think of your partner or your relationship in the same way again.  But that affair need not control your feelings, actions or interactions for the rest of your life.  In fact, to let it do so would mean that, in his own way, the “other guy” won.

Healing, and forgiveness, are gifts you give to yourself so you can live a happy life again.

For those of you having trouble forgiving someone, Ned Hallowell explores this idea in his lovely book, “Dare to Forgive” which is full of great ideas about how to let go of hurt.

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REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN FOR MY HIGHLY ACCLAIMED COUPLES PHONE SEMINAR THAT STARTS OCT. 1ST.  FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER IT INCLUDES A BONUS SESSION ON FINDING ADHD STRENGTHS.  IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP, REGISTER NOW!  (P.S. - I RECORD ALL LIVE SESSIONS SO IF YOU MISS ONE YOU CAN LISTEN TO IT LATER TO 'CATCH UP' AGAIN!)

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Happiness is not a one-size-all proposition.  You must define what it looks like for you and then make a conscious effort to access whatever gets you to your unique definition of joy…it’s up to you to start behaving your way to happiness.”

- Dr. Phil

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When I work with couples about creating joy and intimacy in their relationships one of the suggestions I have is that they create an “intentional relationship” with each other. By this I mean that they consider who it is they each wish themselves to be (not their partner, but themselves), where it is they wish to go as that person, and then start acting their way to that destination.  I was delighted when I saw Dr. Phil’s similar advice.

There are some things we most certainly do NOT control – our partner’s behavior being a prime example.  But we control much more than we often assume.  You may not be able to control whether or not your partner flips you the finger, for example, but you most certainly can control your response.  Will you flip back?  Will you stay angry for 5 days?  Will you calmly note his disrespect, and then talk with him later about your feelings when he’s not feeling so negative?

Our conscious decisions about how we respond to our partners – and how we seek joy – make a big difference in the course of our days.

© 2014 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Be the person your dog thinks you are.”

- posted on Facebook
 

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As you might imagine, this quote was accompanied by a picture of a Golden Retriever looking at you happily and hopefully (with its tongue hanging out - what else?!)

Sometimes, great relationship advice is pretty simple!

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“I learned a great deal by observing a variety of leadership styles.  The most basic lesson is this:  Effective leadership is based on persuasion, not on hierarchy or on one’s position on an organizational chart.  Leadership is most effective when you bring cooperative work to bear on solving hard problems.”

- Clayton Spencer, President of Bates College

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Perhaps the hardest problem I ever had to face was how to fix my struggling marriage.  And I chose the “wrong” way to do it – pushing and pushing my husband to change what he was doing.  After years of failure with that method I finally learned to “lead” a different way – by trying to persuade my husband when there is something to be concerned about, and by “bringing cooperative work to bear” when we have a hard problem to solve.

And this method works!  First, it’s respectful and he responds to that.  Second, the problems are ours, not mine alone.  Only with his cooperation and buy-in will we ever really solve them.

Are you using Spencer’s leadership advice? 

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REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN FOR MY LIVE PHONE SEMINAR FOR COUPLES IMPACTED BY ADHD.  THIS COURSE HAS HELPED MANY COUPLES IMPROVE THEIR RELATIONSHIP.  MORE INFO AT THIS LINK.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov