Weekly Marriage Tips

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Supervisors don’t want to hear about problems or disabilities – they want to hear about solutions.”

- Dr. Kathleen Nadeau in a speech about ADHD and the workplace

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This was part of a speech Dr. Nadeau gave in Toronto at CADDAC about work and ADHD.  But it reminded me also of couples.  Like your supervisor, your partner doesn’t want to hear about problems, disabilities or frustrations.  Or, more accurately, ONLY hear about them.  Yes, you need to identify your problems – not hold them in.  But after that, your partner wants to hear about solutions.

Like in the workplace, a good way to develop a solution is to be proactive.  Create a plan and discuss it with your partner as something to be reviewed and, possibly, improved.  And, also like work, all good plans have a way to measure their success.  In relationships, this means set objective goals.

And beware.  “Reasons” you didn't get to do something often sound like excuses and won’t get you very far if they are used over and over again.  If you don't meet your objective goals, use it as a learning opportunity to change your approach next time.  "I'll just try harder" typically doesn't work as well as "how can I do this differently to make my approach better?"
 

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Relationships aren’t about finding the right person – they’re about being the right person.”

- Toronto subway sign for the Kabbalah Centre
 

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I was intrigued by this subway sign.  And it made me think about what each of us contributes, each day, to our relationship.  We don’t have control over everything – for example, we don’t have control over our partner.  But we do control much more that we often assume.

You are given about a million chances a day to “be the right person” in your relationship.  Are you taking them?
 

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Trying to motivate yourself with fear is like screaming at a child, ‘Do something, dammit!’”

- Martha Beck

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DISCOUNT FOR TIPS READERS ONLY!  TAKE $25 OFF THE LIVE COUPLES COURSE STARTING APRIL 9TH.  USE COUPON CODE TIPS0413 AND DON'T FORGET TO CLICK ON "APPLY."  Go to this link for details and/or registration.  

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.”

- Maya Angelou

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© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Our culture, grounded in empirical science and the European Romantic tradition, sees material wealth and/or the perfect love as the keys to happiness.  That’s why so many relationships disintegrate over monetary arguments or the accusation “you stopped making me happy!”

- Martha Beck

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• Constructively express what you want and need from your partner in positive terms.  Be patient, consistent and persistent in this effort
• Start looking to yourself to see what you can do to improve your own health and happiness.  You might consider diet, exercise, sleep, new hobbies, strengthened connections, to name a few
• Note and applaud any positive steps your partner makes.  Don’t be stingy in this effort, but don’t fake it, either

Ultimately, YOU are responsible for your own happiness.  These steps will both make you feel happier with yourself, and help you continue to press your case for what you need.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Chains do not hold a marriage together.  It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years.”

- Simone Signoret

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© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.”

- Leo Tolstoy
 

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REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN FOR THE LIVE COUPLES SEMINAR STARTING APRIL 9.  MORE INFORMATION HERE.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

- Maya Angelou

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It’s been a number of years since my husband and I almost divorced.  What I remember most from that time, now, is how I felt.  Alone.  Angry.  Hurt.  Bitter.  These feelings (and years of struggle) led me to behave in ways that made my husband feel as badly as I did.  I also remember that one of the biggest breakthroughs in our recovery came when I finally realized that I could no longer feel good about making my husband feel awful.  That I needed to behave in a way that made me feel proud of myself.  Though I continued to express what I needed, I no longer nagged or yelled or belittled him.  In other words, I decided it was no longer okay to make him feel bad.

He noticed.  And, finally, he started listening to me about what I needed and wanted.

I think that Angelou is talking about just this type of experience – we are all responsible for behaving in a way that makes us feel good about ourselves, and does not make those we love more distressed.  You don’t need to give up asking for what you want – only ask for it in a way that takes the feelings of those you love into account.It’s been a number of years since my husband and I almost divorced.  What I remember most from that time, now, is how I felt.  Alone.  Angry.  Hurt.  Bitter.  These feelings (and years of struggle) led me to behave in ways that made my husband feel as badly as I did.  I also remember that one of the biggest breakthroughs in our recovery came when I finally realized that I could no longer feel good about making my husband feel awful.  That I needed to behave in a way that made me feel proud of myself.  Though I continued to express what I needed, I no longer nagged or yelled or belittled him.  In other words, I decided it was no longer okay to make him feel bad.

He noticed.  And, finally, he started listening to me about what I needed and wanted.

I think that Angelou is talking about just this type of experience – we are all responsible for behaving in a way that makes us feel good about ourselves, and does not make those we love more distressed.  You don’t need to give up asking for what you want – only ask for it in a way that takes the feelings of those you love into account. It’s been a number of years since my husband and I almost divorced.  What I remember most from that time, now, is how I felt.  Alone.  Angry.  Hurt.  Bitter.  These feelings (and years of struggle) led me to behave in ways that made my husband feel as badly as I did.  I also remember that one of the biggest breakthroughs in our recovery came when I finally realized that I could no longer feel good about making my husband feel awful.  That I needed to behave in a way that made me feel proud of myself.  Though I continued to express what I needed, I no longer nagged or yelled or belittled him.  In other words, I decided it was no longer okay to make him feel bad.

He noticed.  And, finally, he started listening to me about what I needed and wanted.

I think that Angelou is talking about just this type of experience – we are all responsible for behaving in a way that makes us feel good about ourselves, and does not make those we love more distressed.  You don’t need to give up asking for what you want – only ask for it in a way that takes the feelings of those you love into account.______________________________________________________________________________________

NEXT LIVE COUPLES SEMINAR STARTS JANUARY 7TH.  SIGN UP HERE.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Get in the habit of saying what you want rather than what you don’t want.”

- Diane Sollee
 Director, Smartmarriages.com

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SIGN UP FOR MY LIVE COUPLES COURSE THAT STARTS JANUARY 7 - RIGHT NOW REGISTRATION IS LOW, SO IT LOOKS AS IF IT WILL BE A SMALLER (AND MORE PERSONAL) CLASS THAN NORMAL...INFORMATION ABOUT THE COURSE IS AT THIS LINK.

© 2012 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Build time into your schedules to be together for mini-conversations:  15 minutes together after work to talk about your challenges at work, a morning walk to talk about goals and hopes or meet for lunch or call during the day just to chat.”

-  Dr. Stephen Covey
   The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families

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You don’t need to constantly be together, but a little bit of time together each day is very helpful for feeling connected.  Many couples find that they actually have to create a routine of connection to make this happen.  Examples in my own household include:  my husband and I spend breakfast together – he makes coffee and I make breakfast; we try to eat dinner together; if one of us is out of town we either email or talk via phone to catch up; we try (but don’t always succeed) to go to bed at the same time and read in bed a bit.

These are mundane types of connections, but they give us plenty of time to feel the reassuring warmth and presence of our partner as well as make sure that if something really important comes up there will be multiple times in the day when we can connect around it.

Connecting this way over the busy holidays may be hard, but it's still worth asking the question - When do we normally connect?

You don’t need to constantly be together, but a little bit of time together each day is very helpful for feeling connected.  Many couples find that they actually have to create a routine of connection to make this happen.  Examples in my own household include:  my husband and I spend breakfast together – he makes coffee and I make breakfast; we try to eat dinner together; if one of us is out of town we either email or talk via phone to catch up; we try (but don’t always succeed) to go to bed at the same time and read in bed a bit.

These are mundane types of connections, but they give us plenty of time to feel the reassuring warmth and presence of our partner as well as make sure that if something really important comes up there will be multiple times in the day when we can connect around it.

When do you connect? You don’t need to constantly be together, but a little bit of time together each day is very helpful for feeling connected.  Many couples find that they actually have to create a routine of connection to make this happen.  Examples in my own household include:  my husband and I spend breakfast together – he makes coffee and I make breakfast; we try to eat dinner together; if one of us is out of town we either email or talk via phone to catch up; we try (but don’t always succeed) to go to bed at the same time and read in bed a bit.

These are mundane types of connections, but they give us plenty of time to feel the reassuring warmth and presence of our partner as well as make sure that if something really important comes up there will be multiple times in the day when we can connect around it.

When do you connect?______________________________________________________________________________________

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A SPECIAL NOVEMBER DISCOUNT OF $50 OFF THE RECORDED COUPLES' SEMINAR HERE!

© 2012 Melissa Orlov