Weekly Marriage Tips

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“ • Forgiveness is giving up the wish that things could be different
  • Don’t let your fear of today rob you of a fun life
  • If you’re not here now, where the hell are you?
  • I’ve never been a fan of the good ‘ol days.  For me the best day has always been this one."

- From “Ready to Say Goodbye,” an article on Valerie Harper’s living with her diagnosis of terminal cancer,  People Magazine, 3/18/13

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What’s the most important advice you provide when you are near death?  These bullets are some of Valerie Harper’s ideas on that topic.  In them she shares great wisdom, made the more emotional because of what she faces.  I thought they might inspire you, too.

Having a terminal illness focuses you on what's important, but you don't have to be ill to take her advice.  Life is shorter than we imagine, and we owe it to ourselves to forgive and to do what we can to create joy and happiness for ourselves.

Are you living today in a way that you'll never regret?

IF YOU ARE CONSIDERING JOINING MY UPCOMING COUPLE'S SEMINAR, PLEASE SIGN UP AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE.  I WILL BE SENDING OUT THE TREATMENT CHAPTER OF MY NEW BOOK AS PRE-READING FOR THE FIRST SESSION.  FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS EXCELLENT SEMINAR AT THIS LINK.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“I’ve been working on myself quite a bit lately – I think I had lost myself a bit for a while.  Perhaps when I’m more myself my wife will like me better.”

“That is a good thing to do.  Are you spending time sharing the new, better you with your wife?”

“No...”

- recent conversation between me and my cousin

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I loved that my cousin was sharing his experiences with me.  But I have to admit that I gave him a gentle push towards sharing his discoveries and energy with his wife.  That way she gets to see the positives, too.  I suggested that he shouldn't indulge yet in big talks about therapy or his goals, just start creating some happier moments together as a couple.  She will enjoy being with the 'new' (or 'old' depending upon your point of view!) him.

If you are working on improving yourself, don't forget to share the good qualities you find in yourself with your partner!

DON'T FORGET - THE NEXT COUPLES SEMINAR STARTS ON JANUARY 28TH.  GIVE YOURSELF A NEW YEAR'S GIFT OF A BETTER RELATIONSHIP FOR THE TWO OF YOU!

© 2014 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“I’ve learned to see the outcome of any effort as either success or education.  Both are invaluable."

- Martha Beck

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I think this is a critical concept for all couples, and particularly for those with ADHD.  Effort is the key idea here – and experimentation.  Every time you try something different to address a problem that you have, you learn something.  Sometimes you learn that you just solved the problem!  Lots of times you don’t, though.  In that case, learn from what didn’t work, and make a new plan.  THAT’S how you make progress learning to manage ADHD and ADHD-impacted relationships!

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“My wife and I got into the habit of griping about the day’s frustrations as soon as we got home from work.  After a while, though, I realized that if you discuss only problems with your partner, there’s a good chance you’ll develop a problem relationship.”

- Dr. Phil

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My husband used to be late coming home from the office – he had a lot to do…work and traffic don’t always make it easy to get to family dinner.  It used to make me angry, though, so when he walked through the door there was often a negative interaction between us.  Either “you’re late again and didn’t call” or a defensive response on his part “The traffic was terrible…” and anticipation that I was about to complain (that’s the nice word for it!)

That’s simply a bad way to start your evening, and you both deserve better than that.  We solved our problem, when the kids were younger by having a regular dinner time that he made when he could.  He missed the fun when he didn’t eat with us, so he tried to make it as much as possible.  The real benefit, though, was that clarifying that what time he arrived was his responsibility, not mine, helped us both be more even tempered when he did arrive – we had happier evenings.

P.S. So did the kids.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“I like hiring (inexperienced engineers because they are) unsullied.  I want people to think they are pioneering something.  I want us all to be fresh, know nothing and be willing to experiment on something new.  I’m very keen on wrong thinking.”

- Inventor James Dyson

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I laughed out loud when I read this, trying to imagine a speech in which he says “I’m very keen on wrong thinking” in a sort of British accent…!  Lovely!  But think about the idea – fresh thinking brings creative new ideas.  When I work with couples I encourage them to have an “old relationship” and a “new relationship.”  The latter is the one that starts after they’ve found out about ADHD and learned new things about it from my book and from starting to work on their relationship in new ways.  The reason I do this is I want them to think of their new tools as an opportunity for a fresh start.  To try things that haven’t worked in the past in a new way that reflects their new understanding…to be open to experimenting with fresh (maybe weird) ideas.  That’s SO much better than bringing your past hurts forward and assuming you’ll continue to fail because you have in the past!

Surely if Dyson had started from “we can’t do this” we would never have a vacuum that rolls on a big ball…

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“I am not eccentric.  It’s just that I am more alive than most people.”

- Dame Edith Sidwell

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I love the positive tone of this quote!  There is so much life!  Take a moment to appreciate the eccentricities that you and your partner have…and to think about this idea – what would it take for the two of you to live your lives in a way that could make you feel “more alive than most people?”

A really interesting question!
 

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Worrying about things that haven’t happened yet doesn’t protect us from pain.  Ask anyone who has experienced a tragedy; they’ll tell you there is no way to prepare.”

- Brene Brown, in Oprah Magazine

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I talk with a lot of couples in which a non-ADHD spouse is quite worried that bad things are going to continue to happen with the ADHD spouse.  The worrying itself becomes an issue for the couple because it means that the worrier is always on alert to any possible issue.  Since the ADHD partner is aware of that, he or she becomes particularly tense and worried as well.  This means that even a small mistake or slip that might not become very big in most circumstances can escalate quickly because of the tension created by the anxiety lurking nearby.

Try alleviating this worry by focusing on the present – has my partner been a good partner this week?  Have I been a good partner this week?  Today?  If not, what can either of us do better?  And what’s the most constructive way to talk about it?  It can also be very useful to focus on finding the positives in what is happening.  If you have to focus on something, wouldn’t it be better for you both if you spent your time trying to find the positives than spending your time anxiously awaiting the next problem?

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it!”
- My mother

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I never completely bought this idea…Somehow it seemed my mother always said it when she was mad at me and wanted to shut me up!  But maybe that was a youthful interpretation – for the real thought is ‘be respectful at all times.’  And that is just plain good advice.

In my couples course I talk about respect and how each person must hold him or herself to a high standard in terms of treating a partner with respect.  Think about the last 48 hours - were you completely respectful?  Even when you were upset?  If not, think about how you might have been able to do better.  It will help your relationship!  And, to clarify MY take on Mom's advice...  You can (and should) say things that are difficult even if you aren't in agreement with your partner.  Better to air it than to let it fester.  Just always do it respectfully.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Most marital arguments cannot be resolved.  Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind – but it can’t be done.  This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage.”

- John Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

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Think about the arguments you and your partner have had in the last two weeks.  How many of them are spats you’ve had before?  Most, I bet.  Some research suggests that about 70% of fights are unresolvable for just the reasons that Gottman suggests – they result from legitimate and lasting differences between you.

Instead of fighting, think of yourselves as negotiating a “work around.”  Assume your differences of opinions will last – if that's the case, what do you do right now so that you can move on with your lives?  Given the figures, creating work arounds is how you’ll “resolve” your differences most of the time.

So, thinking about the last two weeks – is there an ongoing fight that might benefit from negotiating a work around?

© 2013 Melissa Orlov

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“To compensate for being unable to fit into the conventional roles and behaviors expected of women, I styled myself as an eccentric renegade. This allowed me to save face and cope with my seeming inadequacies and bafflement about how to fit in with my gender. It was like I had a secret agenda—so secret, in fact, that even I wasn’t aware of it. Right up to my ADHD diagnosis, I’d been walking a tightrope, trying to meet social expectations while also pretending I didn’t care about them. Secretly, I wanted to prove that I could get a house, a husband, a career, a life. I was going to show ’em—but I’d do it my way.

Finally, after I learned about ADHD and gradually began to discover my own values and what was truly important to me, I could drop the veneer of renegade. Then, just as it clanged to the sidewalk, bounced once, and wobbled, I could snatch it up again to wear it with authenticity and pride. Recognizing the trap and springing free was both liberating and invigorating. I began to let myself be me.”

- Zoe Kessler, from her new book ADHD According to Zoe
 

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Kessler’s new book gives an inside peak into what it’s like to be a person with ADHD, and her insights are terrific.  How many people with ADHD identify with her idea that being a renegade (or a class clown, or an eccentric) is a way to cope with seeming inadequacies and bafflement on the inside while putting on a good face on the outside?

I hear this idea from those with ADHD with some frequency.  Particularly moving are comments from those who have experienced success at work or home who tell me that they feel like an imposter or fraud - constantly concerned that they will be ‘discovered’ and suddenly lose…wife, job, status, friends…you name it.

By learning about ADHD and how she relates to her ADHD, Kessler can now be proud of who she is, instead of hiding.  This acceptance is something I wish for everyone with ADHD.  If you want to hear some of Kessler’s stories about how she got there, grab a copy of her book, ADHD According to Zoe.

© 2013 Melissa Orlov