Weekly Marriage Tips

This is the speech that was given the day of my high school graduation, and I am struck that Knowles’ advice for life is very much advice that I would provide couples as they traverse their relationships.

There is much to reflect upon in his words, and I thought I would simply put them out there and suggest you spend a few moments thinking about how they might apply to you.

NEWS and EVENTS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE Seminar Starts Sept 14, 2022

Only 2 spots left! MEN ONLY - Non-ADHD Partner Support Group - seven Monday evenings: Starts Sept 12, 19, Oct 3, 10, 17, 31, November 7. 7:00PM EASTERN. Led by Melissa. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS September 14, 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I talk in my couples seminar about specific types of interactions that help support couples impacted by ADHD.  I teach how to set up a good verbal cue (one of my favorite tools!); how to use a learning conversation to discuss tricky emotional topics; what a conflict intimacy conversation can do to help build connection; how to give a meaningful apology.

Couples usually do better when they take advantage of these tools.  But they are tools – and in order to improve with them, we must practice them.  I see the results in my practice – those couples who become more comfortable with, and adept at, using these sorts of interactions not only stumble less often, but recover much more quickly if there is an issue.

I urge you to embrace the tools that can improve your relationship – and train yourselves in using them effectively so that you can, indeed, rise to meet your expectations.

REGISTRATION OPEN:

I offer several of these relationship-building tools in my Fall ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE Seminar - Starts Sept 14, 2022 Register Now!

Non-ADHD support groups (many are full). Learn more

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS September 14, 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

It’s hard living with another person, almost by definition.  And so, there are lots of things that seem, well, annoying.  In ADHD-impacted relationships, the repetitive nature of symptomatic issues…and the hurt that symptoms and responses to symptoms can create – may make living together even harder, moving from annoying to painful.

One way to address this is to focus first on addressing the things that are really, truly important to you.  Things that you absolutely, positively must have in order for you to feel you are living a life you want to live.  (To not have that would be a tragedy.). For many people the ‘must haves’ include things such as making sure you feel loved and safe, taking care of loved ones, and treating each other with respect. 

Once you’ve identified what’s really important, it’s easier to see what’s an inconvenience – perhaps that includes dishes stacked by the sink; getting somewhere on time; differences in opinion about your favorite hobbies; how much time you spend at work.

When you encounter something that is annoying, label it as such and remind yourself that it will pass.

What are your ‘absolutely, positively must haves’?  And can they help you learn what you can let go?

NEWS and EVENTS:

REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN - ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE Seminar Starts January 11, 2023 Register Now!

MARK YOUR CALENDAR - The next Non-ADHD Partner support groups will start January 2023.  Registration will open November 2. Learn More

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 11, 2023.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Are you on your cell phone in most of your free time, watching video clips or reading the news?  Is the first person you pay attention to the one who just texted you, or the person standing in the room with you?

Intimate relationships are struggling under the weight of all the many things there are in the world that tug at our attention.

And yet…life is the sum total of what we pay attention to.  Could there be any truer statement?

And so, it makes sense to think about the way you want your life to be, and the person you wish to be remembered as.  Is your attention aligned with your dreams and desires?

If you are always on your electronics, are you sure you wish to pay that much attention to cat videos, electronics tutorials, news headlines, and Facebook posts?  Or, perhaps, do you focus all of your attention on your children, in essence ignoring your partner and your relationship with your partner?

How might you better align your life with your actions?

NEWS and EVENTS:

REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN - ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE Seminar Starts in less than a month - Sept 14, 2022 Register Now!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS September 14, 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I rarely see a couple in which only one person is contributing to their problems.  In fact, as far as I can remember, I’ve NEVER encountered one! But I have most certainly run into couples in which one or both partners is convinced their issues are their partner’s fault.

This denial about one’s own contributions to your issues is what leads to divorce, not ADHD.  That’s because as long as even one of you is stuck in blame you are unable to carefully look at – and take responsibility for – those things only you can improve.  Without both of you working for change, not enough can change.

If you’re still feeling that your partner is the real problem, perhaps it would make sense to ask yourself some questions:

• Can I be angry and hurtful to my partner?
• Does resentment I may carry bubble up or explode?
• Am I consistently kind to my partner?
• If I have ADHD, have I fully examined its role in my life and the lives of those I love?
• Do I show my partner my love in ways my partner understands?

Be honest with yourself.  What might you learn?

NEWS and EVENTS:

REGISTRATION OPENS AUGUST 10TH - September 2022 Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups. Register Here Starting August 10.

REGISTRATION OPEN NOW - ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE Seminar Starts Sept 14, 2022 Register Now!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

RESOURCES

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS September 14, 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Lots of people lose themselves in their ADHD-impacted relationships.  What do I mean?  Perhaps you anticipate a volatile or negative reaction so keep from speaking up.  Perhaps you feel you are walking on eggshells.  Perhaps you feel forced to do things you don’t wish to do because of your relationship.  Perhaps you put up with verbal abuse…or verbally abuse your spouse.

That’s all losing yourself in your relationship and it’s the hallmark of an unhealthy partnership.  In order to thrive, you must feel free to be your best self.

My very practical interpretation of what Seuss notes is that we should all speak clearly about our most treasured values and those things that we absolutely, positively must have in our relationship.  (Hint – for most of us that doesn’t include a clean house, but probably does include feeling loved.)  You must speak your truth because if you don’t, how will the world (or your partner) know about it?  That’s not the same thing as complaining about everything.

And if your partner isn’t willing to respect your most important feelings then there is significant work to do – perhaps even leaving the relationship.

I’m not endorsing ‘my way or the highway’ or being a jerk to get out of the hard work that is needed to live with another person.  I’m talking about being able to be your best self and standing up for what you think will make your life sing.  So be respectful.  Be loving.  And be you.  Respectfully, constructively, and firmly, stand up for yourself.  You deserve that.

NEWS and EVENTS:

REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN - ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE Seminar Starts Sept 14, 2022 Register Now!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS September 14, 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Bad things, reinforced, get worse.  Good things, reinforced, get better.  Pretty straightforward as a concept, and yet when it comes to our relationships, we regularly forget it.

Take responsibility for your part, and respectfully reach out to your partner to solve common problems.  Don’t hide.  Don’t berate.  Don’t control.

And make sure to work on your own issues that contribute to distrust, too.  That probably includes optimizing ADHD management as well as moving away from parent/child dynamics.

Are you in a distrust doom loop?

Registration Opens TOMORROW July 1st for the Live ADHD Effects Couples Seminar starting September 14th.  Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now! My 8-session seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - The next live session STARTS SEPTEMBER 14, 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I laughed with recognition when I read this.  I cannot tell you how many times I have seen this very thing play out for couples.

Laughter aside, though, it’s a serious issue.  Because the invalidation that these responses represent lead to a huge amount of frustration.  And to the (usually female) partner feeling unseen and unheard, building to resentment about not being taken seriously.

Matthew Fray, the author of the book being reviewed above, goes on to ask these questions…’What do you think this issue looks like from your wife’s perspective?  What are some ways to be proactive with family logistics, such as meals?...how can you pitch in without being asked?  The sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this.”’

“I got this.”  Wouldn’t you men like to be able to say that?  To see the appreciation in your wife’s eyes?  Hear a ‘thanks for helping’?  One of the best ways to overcome resentment is to be there, saying “I got this.”

That can be challenging with ADHD – but one of the best reasons to optimize ADHD treatment is so that you can reliably notice and attend to your joint needs.  To nurture your connection rather than invalidate.

Next time, listen with an open heart to your partner’s complaints about being saddled with too much of the burden of responsibility in your household.  If Fray is right, you might just save yourself a divorce.

For more on optimizing treatment for adult ADHD, download my free treatment e-book from my home page.

NEWS and EVENTS:

Registration Opens July 1st for the Live ADHD Effects Couples Seminar starting September 14th.

 REGISTER NOW for the Self-Study version of The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS September 14, 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

You may feel you have a troubled sex life.  This would not be a surprise, since the vulnerability needed for sex rests on a foundation of good will, trust and positivity.  When your relationship struggles, your sex life struggles, too.

Perel, however, is on to something.  I remember at one point thinking that my hurts and grudges were getting in my way with sex.  I thought “I wonder what would happen if I dropped the hurts and simply decided to have some fun?”  So, I tried it and things improved.  I was lighter, and we both benefited.  You, too, might be able to improve your sex life by playing more – particularly if you both decide to be ‘light’ with each other and ‘replace your bad experiences with new, fun ones’ as Perel suggests.

In the long run, your relationship – and sex life – will only thrive if you are able to heal your hurts and move your relationship into a positive place.  But letting go enough to connect sexually may well help.

Could you and your partner start playing?  What might help that happen?

NEWS and EVENTS:

Registration Opens July 1st for FALL 2022 Live ADHD Effects Couples Seminar: All Fall 2022 sessions are on WEDNESDAYS & starts Sept 14. 

REGISTER NOW for the Self-Study version of The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS Sept 14 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Are there elements of the dysregulation that are characteristic of what you are trying to change?   For example, yelling, cursing, eye rolling, feeling shut down and needing to be in your own space?  If so, you might be able to use those specific behaviors as the thing to count/measure using SMART*.  "For the next 2 weeks I will yell no more than 3 times."  If you disagree about what constitutes yelling, use your wife's definition, as she's on the receiving end.  My experience is that those who are yelling are often not aware they are doing so.

Over time, if you address a number of characteristic behaviors related to emotional dysregulation you should be able to improve the emotional functioning in your relationship.  At the same time, I would also suggest you add ‘treatments’ such as exercise, better sleep, and mindfulness training, which are also helpful in diminishing emotional outbursts.  That way it’s not just changing the behaviors, it’s changing the inputs to that lead to those behaviors.  BOTH are important.

*SMART is an effective tool for holding oneself accountable and effecting change in ADHD-impacted relationships.  It is a way of setting goals that are specific, and therefore allow you to understand whether or not you were successful in meeting that good.  SMART stands for Specific; Measurable; Attainable; Repeatable; and Time-Bound.  Google it if you want to find out more.

NEWS and EVENTS:

Registration Opens July 1st for FALL 2022 Live ADHD Effects Couples Seminar: All Fall 2022 sessions are on WEDNESDAYS & starts Sept 14. 

REGISTER NOW for the Self-Study version of The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS September 14, 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.