Weekly Marriage Tips

Lots of people lose themselves in their ADHD-impacted relationships.  What do I mean?  Perhaps you anticipate a volatile or negative reaction so keep from speaking up.  Perhaps you feel you are walking on eggshells.  Perhaps you feel forced to do things you don’t wish to do because of your relationship.  Perhaps you put up with verbal abuse…or verbally abuse your spouse.

That’s all losing yourself in your relationship and it’s the hallmark of an unhealthy partnership.  In order to thrive, you must feel free to be your best self.

My very practical interpretation of what Seuss notes is that we should all speak clearly about our most treasured values and those things that we absolutely, positively must have in our relationship.  (Hint – for most of us that doesn’t include a clean house, but probably does include feeling loved.)  You must speak your truth because if you don’t, how will the world (or your partner) know about it?  That’s not the same thing as complaining about everything.

And if your partner isn’t willing to respect your most important feelings then there is significant work to do – perhaps even leaving the relationship.

I’m not endorsing ‘my way or the highway’ or being a jerk to get out of the hard work that is needed to live with another person.  I’m talking about being able to be your best self and standing up for what you think will make your life sing.  So be respectful.  Be loving.  And be you.  Respectfully, constructively, and firmly, stand up for yourself.  You deserve that.

NEWS and EVENTS:

REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN - ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE Seminar Starts Sept 14, 2022 Register Now!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS September 14, 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Bad things, reinforced, get worse.  Good things, reinforced, get better.  Pretty straightforward as a concept, and yet when it comes to our relationships, we regularly forget it.

Take responsibility for your part, and respectfully reach out to your partner to solve common problems.  Don’t hide.  Don’t berate.  Don’t control.

And make sure to work on your own issues that contribute to distrust, too.  That probably includes optimizing ADHD management as well as moving away from parent/child dynamics.

Are you in a distrust doom loop?

Registration Opens TOMORROW July 1st for the Live ADHD Effects Couples Seminar starting September 14th.  Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now! My 8-session seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - The next live session STARTS SEPTEMBER 14, 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I laughed with recognition when I read this.  I cannot tell you how many times I have seen this very thing play out for couples.

Laughter aside, though, it’s a serious issue.  Because the invalidation that these responses represent lead to a huge amount of frustration.  And to the (usually female) partner feeling unseen and unheard, building to resentment about not being taken seriously.

Matthew Fray, the author of the book being reviewed above, goes on to ask these questions…’What do you think this issue looks like from your wife’s perspective?  What are some ways to be proactive with family logistics, such as meals?...how can you pitch in without being asked?  The sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this.”’

“I got this.”  Wouldn’t you men like to be able to say that?  To see the appreciation in your wife’s eyes?  Hear a ‘thanks for helping’?  One of the best ways to overcome resentment is to be there, saying “I got this.”

That can be challenging with ADHD – but one of the best reasons to optimize ADHD treatment is so that you can reliably notice and attend to your joint needs.  To nurture your connection rather than invalidate.

Next time, listen with an open heart to your partner’s complaints about being saddled with too much of the burden of responsibility in your household.  If Fray is right, you might just save yourself a divorce.

For more on optimizing treatment for adult ADHD, download my free treatment e-book from my home page.

NEWS and EVENTS:

Registration Opens July 1st for the Live ADHD Effects Couples Seminar starting September 14th.

 REGISTER NOW for the Self-Study version of The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS September 14, 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

You may feel you have a troubled sex life.  This would not be a surprise, since the vulnerability needed for sex rests on a foundation of good will, trust and positivity.  When your relationship struggles, your sex life struggles, too.

Perel, however, is on to something.  I remember at one point thinking that my hurts and grudges were getting in my way with sex.  I thought “I wonder what would happen if I dropped the hurts and simply decided to have some fun?”  So, I tried it and things improved.  I was lighter, and we both benefited.  You, too, might be able to improve your sex life by playing more – particularly if you both decide to be ‘light’ with each other and ‘replace your bad experiences with new, fun ones’ as Perel suggests.

In the long run, your relationship – and sex life – will only thrive if you are able to heal your hurts and move your relationship into a positive place.  But letting go enough to connect sexually may well help.

Could you and your partner start playing?  What might help that happen?

NEWS and EVENTS:

Registration Opens July 1st for FALL 2022 Live ADHD Effects Couples Seminar: All Fall 2022 sessions are on WEDNESDAYS & starts Sept 14. 

REGISTER NOW for the Self-Study version of The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS Sept 14 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Are there elements of the dysregulation that are characteristic of what you are trying to change?   For example, yelling, cursing, eye rolling, feeling shut down and needing to be in your own space?  If so, you might be able to use those specific behaviors as the thing to count/measure using SMART*.  "For the next 2 weeks I will yell no more than 3 times."  If you disagree about what constitutes yelling, use your wife's definition, as she's on the receiving end.  My experience is that those who are yelling are often not aware they are doing so.

Over time, if you address a number of characteristic behaviors related to emotional dysregulation you should be able to improve the emotional functioning in your relationship.  At the same time, I would also suggest you add ‘treatments’ such as exercise, better sleep, and mindfulness training, which are also helpful in diminishing emotional outbursts.  That way it’s not just changing the behaviors, it’s changing the inputs to that lead to those behaviors.  BOTH are important.

*SMART is an effective tool for holding oneself accountable and effecting change in ADHD-impacted relationships.  It is a way of setting goals that are specific, and therefore allow you to understand whether or not you were successful in meeting that good.  SMART stands for Specific; Measurable; Attainable; Repeatable; and Time-Bound.  Google it if you want to find out more.

NEWS and EVENTS:

Registration Opens July 1st for FALL 2022 Live ADHD Effects Couples Seminar: All Fall 2022 sessions are on WEDNESDAYS & starts Sept 14. 

REGISTER NOW for the Self-Study version of The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS September 14, 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Actions have consequences.  If you act as if you are helpless in a relationship, not carrying your weight in household responsibilities, you may well be consigned to a ‘less than’ role in your partnership.  Even if what you think you want is respect. 

If you aggressively pursue your partner in an effort to get them to do more, you may live the consequences of that aggression – not the compliance you are looking for, but the other human response – escape from your pursuit.

If you say you really want to find a new job, but don’t update your resume or apply to any positions, your partner is likely to wonder if you really do want that job, after all.

If you love your partner but also have an affair you may end up divorced, even if divorce is not what you sought, only fun.

Others will generally interpret your actions to be representative of ‘what you’re after’ or want.  You are not in control of how others will respond to your actions, so don’t make any assumptions that they will see it as you do, and be careful about what you communicate through your actions and choices.  As the Talking Heads say…watch out, you might get what you’re after.  Or at least what others perceive you’re after.

NEWS and EVENTS:

You may find this new offering useful: Starting May 12: "Guided Support Group for Adults with ADHD & Anxiety: Confident and Calmer--a 6 week group"

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS fall 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

While Giffords here is talking about gun violence, the idea of looking towards today and tomorrow’s potential carries great wisdom.  We may feel regret: that we didn’t know about ADHD sooner; that we made certain decisions in the past we wouldn’t make today…whatever you might regret.  But that does little for us because it is in the past and we cannot change the past.  But Gifford points out we can’t control the outcome of today’s efforts, either.  We can hope that our partner will hear our ideas or complaints but not whether they will be adopted.  We can try to press our partner to use medication, for example, but our partner’s body is not ours to control and we must respect his or her decisions and autonomy.

I think it’s not just about focusing on what could be, but actually acting on what could be.  Behavioral psychology suggests that if we act in ways that reflect what we want, we are more likely to move in that direction.  So even though you can’t control or guarantee an outcome, you can still influence it.  If you want compassion in your relationship, practice it yourself.  If you want respectful behavior, be respectful (and put up firm boundaries for what happens if your partner is not respectful).

Do you have a (realistic) vision of what you would like your relationship to be, and are you focused on making that your goal today and tomorrow through your own actions?  Yep, you know me and you know I’ll tell you that you both have to be involved to make it happen.  But, remember that while you don’t have control, you may well be able to influence.

NEWS and EVENTS:

The Foundations in Habit Development (FHD) Group Coaching - September 27, 2022 – November 15, 2022 - is designed to help solidify the changes you have started to make and want to firm up. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar with Melissa. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS fall 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Have you ever apologized for crying in front of another?  Have you sought to put your pain aside so you didn’t have to deal with it?  I have, for sure!  And yet, the only way to really deal with pain is not to move past it but to actually move through it.  You have to acknowledge it, feel it, shake hands with it, and allow it to flow through you.

If you don’t, the pain stays within you and colors the parts of your life that are supposed to be the wonderful spots, too.  How could it not?  If it’s there, it’s there, set aside or not.

This presents an issue if you are a non-ADHD partner, who finds that some of the pain comes from living with the repetitive symptoms exhibited by a partner with ADHD.  To deal with this, both partners need to be involved.  The ADHD partner needs to work to manage the ADHD symptom expression as best s/he can. Simultaneously, the non-ADHD partner benefits from understanding what in their interactions is a ‘given’ and what is the result of expectations and a lack of understanding of what ADHD is all about.  Better understanding ADHD, responses to ADHD, and what I call the ADHD Effect can really help you determine whether or not this is the best right relationship for you both.  And if it is, how to thrive in it.

I urge you to confront the pain you feel, assess your expectations relative to your actual situation, and put the full court press on managing ADHD symptoms.  Somewhere in that mix is where your relationship sweet spot probably exists.

NEWS and EVENTS:

Happy Easter! Happy Passover! Happy Spring!

My 15 Tips for Better Follow-Through Treating Your ADHD in Psychology Today

ADHD Coaching - Foundations in Habit Development  September 27, 2022 – November 15, 2022 - REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS fall 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

“When I say self-care, I’m not talking about planning a spa day or getting a mani-pedi.  I mean giving yourself plenty of space and support.”

-Terri Cole, Author of Boundary Boss: The essential guide to talk true, be seen, and (finally) live free

I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately to the idea of self-care, in part because I don’t particularly go for spa days (too expensive!!). But also because as I age I see just how important it is to take care of oneself physically and mentally.  This idea of giving oneself space and support turns out to be quite effective.

Here’s what I’ve been doing on the physical side of things:  getting plenty of outdoor time, riding bikes, hiking, walking and even eating outdoors; slowing down my weekends to include less scheduled time (I still have more to do than I need!); saving time for some fun art and music projects; taking the time to eat plenty of healthy food.

On the mental health side of things, I’ve been talking with a professional, spending lots of time with family and friends, and watching far less violent tv.

Dr. Ned Hallowell likes to talk about ‘the other Vitamin C – connection’ and I agree with him.  My life, with all of this slowing down and connecting with others, feels far more balanced and vibrant than it did before I started overtly giving myself time and space to nurture that which is important to me.

Are you giving yourself – and your partner – enough space for self-care?

NEWS and EVENTS:

How to successfully co-parent when one or both parents have ADHD. Join me, April 14 for Parents with ADHD MasterClass.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS FALL 2022. 

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

When your partner is angry at you it’s tempting (and perhaps human nature) to want to be angry back.  But, as King noted, darkness cannot drive out darkness.  You’ve likely noticed that not much actually changes when the two of you are yelling at each other.

This fits with marital research done by John Gottman and associates, which demonstrates that more important than how you argue is actually how you repair as a couple.  The steps of repair are that one person makes a ‘bid for repair,’ which might be an apology, holding of a hand, a smile, an affirmation or some other ‘bridge maker.’  Importantly, the next step is ‘accepting that bid for repair.’  One partner might apologize, but if the other partner doesn’t accept the apology (or smile, or touch, etc) then the repair is not complete or effective.

You may not have thought about the importance of repair in your relationship but I urge you to do so now.  What works for the two of you?  What smooths things so that you can reconnect, or at least more calmly discuss your differences?

News and Event

Did you miss the ADHD Women's Palooza? There's still time for the special pricing.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session FALL 2022. 

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.