Weekly Marriage Tips

My emails end with a quote that I created many years ago:

There is no such thing as ‘do over’ in a marriage.  There is only ‘do better.’

As much as we might like to go back and change our past in general…or even a specific decision we made, we simply can’t. Furthermore, we cannot change our partner’s behaviors, either in the past or in the present. We can only control our own behaviors today and tomorrow.

It can be hard to learn this lesson. Really hard. But the past is the past. Do you let it leak into your present, too?

It makes sense to grieve what you have in your past together, and sometimes couples can benefit by grieving together. Acknowledge that grief, then seek ways to heal – with forgiveness, behavior changes today, and more. With time, you should be able to accept where you are, and start working on ‘changing your ending’ for the better.

I have had the honor to have seen many, many couples change what seemed like an inevitable ending, even as some couples are not be able to do so. It starts with acceptance of where you are, an assessment of where you wish to be, and taking a path from one to the other.

What things are you doing – specifically – to change your ending? 

NEWS and EVENTS:

STARTING OCTOBER 14 - Emotions and triggers course - How do you calm emotions that get quickly out of control?  How do you keep a partner engaged when triggers lead to avoidance and escape?  Don't be held hostage by emotions and triggers.

STARTING OCTOBER 20TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration OPEN! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now! 

The ADHD Effect is Healthline’s pick for the 10 Best ADHD Books of 2021

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I know this feeling and, whether you are a person with ADHD or a person without ADHD with an ADHD partner, I'm guessing you know it, too.

Will my partner explode?  Denigrade my request?  Become immediately defensive?  Tell me what I'm supposed to think instead of listening?  Not being sure, or experiencing a lot of unexpectedly emotional responses from your partner, can make one cautious about what one says.  You might measure whether to say anything at all.  But being shut down by a partner's anger, defensiveness or reactiveness is really hurtful to you and your relationship.

What do you do?  First and foremost, understand that while keeping the peace may be expedient in the short-term, in the long-term it's toxic for you.  This means that the issue needs to be addressed.  I'm not talking about keeping quiet about annoyances here - that's part of being respectful.  I'm talking about serious issues that can't be discussed because of fear of a partner's response.

A counselor can help open up communication between partners.  So can having the partner who is reactive or easily triggered take on this emotionality as a target symptom.  Sometimes reactiveness can be lessened through ADHD treatment or, for either partner, therapy.  

Because this is such a big issue for so many couples, I also sponsor an emotions and triggers course for one or both partners.  The next session starts October 14th, and it could be a good way to start to engage with this issue, too.

Whatever path you choose, please make sure that you take care of your own needs to be heard and respected by not continuing to take 'walking on eggshells' as the norm in your relationship.

NEWS and EVENTS:

STARTING OCTOBER 14 - Emotions and triggers course - How do you calm emotions that get quickly out of control?  How do you keep a partner engaged when triggers lead to avoidance and escape?  Don't be held hostage by emotions and triggers.

STARTING OCTOBER 20TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration OPEN! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now! 

The ADHD Effect is Healthline’s pick for the 10 Best ADHD Books of 2021

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Not surprisingly, I’m a big believer in couple’s counseling.  Not because I do it, but because issues couples face are about what both partners contribute to the relationship.  Relationships are the ultimate ‘tapestry’ created by every action each partner takes, every day.  And, as O’Connor notes, ‘we don’t accomplish anything alone.’  Yes, you can improve your life by changing your own behaviors and attitudes.  But to truly, thoroughly, thrive you have to do it together.

Having trouble getting your partner to fully engage?  Remember that tapestry, and how each thread added makes you both stronger.  Start with target symptoms or target behaviors, add positive threads in those areas, and perhaps sooner than you imagine the cloth of your relationship will begin to feel more colorful and stronger.

STARTING OCTOBER 20TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration OPEN! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now! 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

"So, I just wanted to tell you I read your tips every week. I’m a non ADHD husband. I love my wife. She has the best heart ever. This Aug will be 30yrs of marriage. I have my faults.

I have recently become aware of just how much ADHD has impaired my wife’s ability to mentally hear verbal communication and to formulate verbal communication back. But communication in print helps.  So texting helps a lot. But sometimes during emergency emotional moments there is no time for texting. The true bonding emotions must be conveyed immediately. If we rely on verbal communication at those times my wife is handicapped to express herself and her words often come out saying things she didn’t mean. That is, if words come out at all.

This can be very difficult for both of us. The big question is how can we successfully express our feelings so we can unite during trialsome times? 

We are trying just two things. First look each other in the eyes when we talk. Second, communicate through touch.  If you can’t formulate the words right away say it through loving touch. Show your heart to your mate when you feel you just can’t say the right words. This stop so many wrong conclusions during the silent critical moments someone needs to express their feelings, but can’t." 

This week’s quote… So, in the heat of a moment if you feel you caused pain accidentally in your relationship… say your feelings of re-bonding with touch first. This has been a new break through for us….Just two simple things. Look each other in the eyes when you speak and communicate through touch as a first feelings responder. Works miracles

- Non-ADHD partner, James, in an email

NEWS and EVENTS:

September 3-4, 2021 - Sizzling Hot Marriage Show: 21 Experts Register here

September 13-17, 2021 - Finding Love Summit: 20+ Experts including me. Register here

Starting October - Non-ADHD Support Groups, Almost FULL. Register here.

STARTING OCTOBER 20TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration OPEN! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now! 

The ADHD Effect is Healthline’s pick for the 10 Best ADHD Books of 2021

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I love this idea, and it reminds me of all the things I used to do that made me uncomfortable.  I did them because I thought I should, and because I couldn’t think of any alternatives that seemed to work.  Here are just a few:

• Hide feelings because I thought my partner wouldn’t like them

• Take on too much work because my partner didn’t engage with it

• Accept my partner’s disrespectful comments, writing them off ‘because he was angry’

• Wait way too long to get professional help

I wish I had chosen to stick up for myself more.  Not by judging my partner but by doing the opposite – engaging with him in a positive, non-parenting way.  Insisting that he figure out how to treat me and everyone else in the family with respect.  Listening to his anger and believing what he said, then trying to do something about it rather than resist.

I don’t owe it to my husband to take on his moods, behaviors and negativity any more than he owes that to me.  But I DO owe it to both of us to engage thoughtfully, honestly about my feelings and desires (NOTE that I do not say ‘needs’ here…most of what we ask for are desires or wants, rather than truly needs.)

If you’re feeling uncomfortable with your relationship don’t sit back.  Respectfully request engagement or make changes in your life that address your issues.

Are you feeling uncomfortable with your relationship? - STARTING OCTOBER 20TH - The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration OPEN! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now!

Listen to one of my most detailed interviews on ADHD: love-bombing, emotional dysregulation, procrastination, planning, kids, treatment and much more. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

What does it mean to ‘care too much’?  Carroll gives us some clues – it’s the sort of caring where you see a specific outcome for another person, and you do your best to direct them towards that outcome.   People do this all the time in their relationships.  We expect our partners should change…and in very specific ways.

This is often done with the best of intentions.  You genuinely believe that your partner will be better off if they do things in a ‘better’ way (hence the judgmental part of Carroll’s comment.)

But you are not alike, and your ‘better’ way might not be better for your partner or, perhaps, for your relationship (for example, if your partner feels belittled by your approach or requests.)

One path is to let go of trying to direct your partner in a specific direction.  That frees you to make requests of your partner because they are important to you, while acknowledging your partner’s agency.

Are you caring too much?

STARTING OCTOBER 20TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration OPEN! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now! 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

This woman’s experience in modifying her internal story to become more empowered didn’t change her partner’s behaviors, though she notes that he was doing that himself.  But it dramatically altered her experience.

I urge you to read what she says again, and ask yourself ‘Do I have a chance to better control my suffering?’

STARTING OCTOBER 20TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration OPEN! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now!

Read my latest article in Psych Central 7 Practical Tips When You’re Dating Someone Who Has ADHD

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I remember feeling so confused about my relationship.  Why couldn’t we do better?  Was I doing something wrong?  Why didn’t it seem that others were having the same struggles?  Why is my partner treating me so differently?  These thoughts, which both George and I experienced, turn out to be common for couples who don’t know that ADHD is part of their relationship.

One of the wonderful things that we didn’t have the benefit of – but that you do – is knowing that many other couples experience the exact same issues.  In fact, one of the marvels of ADHD in adults is that because the symptoms are the same (by definition – else you don’t get diagnosed with ADHD) the experiences couples have are often very, very similar.  In other words – it’s not the two of you as people, it’s that you are experiencing ADHD-symptomatic behaviors AND the very human responses to those behaviors that the other partner expresses.

Learning this, by hearing the questions and experiences of others, is incredibly powerful.  You are not alone, and if you’re not so sure of that I hope that you will take advantage of the offerings I provide at my website to start the process of beginning to heal.  If you want a place to start, how about my video of three couples who’ve repaired their relationship?  

STARTING OCTOBER 20TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration OPEN! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now!

Join me for the ADHD Parents Palooza – Understand the nuances of parenting ADHD. Starts Monday, July 26, 2021. Free. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Does the idea of putting others ahead of yourself sound familiar?  How about saying “I should just do X because it’s too much of a hassle to get my partner to do it”?

If so, there’s a word for that – co-dependency.  It’s when you don’t support yourself in a way that helps you thrive and, instead, subjugate yourself to the needs of others around you.  While it may be expedient at first, over the long-run it can make you feel less than, depressed and invisible.

Parent/child dynamics is one example of co-dependency in ADHD-impacted relationships.  One partner under-performs and the other person compensates for that at cost to themselves.

One of the best resources for understanding and getting out of co-dependency is an ‘oldie but goodie,’ Melodie Beatty’s book, Co-Dependent No More.  If you think you struggle with these issues, I urge you to read it.  It, combined with information about how to manage ADHD issues, will start you on a path to a healthier relationship.

STARTING OCTOBER 20TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration OPEN! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now!

Join me for the ADHD Parents Palooza – Understand the nuances of parenting ADHD. Starts Monday, July 26, 2021. Free. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Upheaval in our relationship ‘universes’ come in many forms.  As examples:

• One partner decides they don’t wish to put up with disrespectful conversations anymore and leaves the room whenever the other partner escalates into rage
• One partner starts to talk about possibly leaving the relationship for the first time
• The birth of your first child
• The discovery of an emotional or physical affair
• For some, the diagnosis of ADHD

The fear and emotional turmoil that these turning points may create do not, however, spell doom for a relationship.  In fact, many times they signify opportunity.  Boundaries that help one reinforce a sense of self-worth can be empowering and greatly improve a relationship where boundaries are too weak.  Openly talking about one’s discontent can begin a much-needed conversation with a counselor.  Allowing that it’s hard to add a third being into your relationship can help you create a more mindful approach to new parenthood, etc.

The discovery of an affair, though intensely painful, can cause couples to reassess what they want (or don’t) in their relationship.  ADHD…well, knowing ADHD is present creates the opportunity to change so, so much…

Upheaval can be terrifying.  As you experience it, I urge you to look for where your opportunities may lie.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.