Weekly Marriage Tips

It’s hard to hear someone when they tell you they are unhappy with something you’ve done…or not done. And it’s hard to hear a partner tell you that your emotions, or what you just said, hurt. Critiques are common in relationships impacted by ADHD, and they hurt.

What to do? If you just hold your thoughts in, then it eats away at the relationship and pops out as resentment or chronic anger. Yet, if you provide constant negative feedback, that deflates the positive energy the relationship might have.

It’s a balancing act, for sure! 

Here are constructive ways to provide feedback so that ‘the bad things don’t keep happening,’ as Roy notes:

• Comment on patterns, not individual incidents. That keeps the conversation at a higher level (less likely to spark defensiveness) and also keeps the number of incidents of feedback smaller. “I’ve noticed you’ve had trouble following through on things over the last 2 weeks, can we talk about this?” is more constructive than 7 different critiques about poor follow through
• Remember that you need 5 positive comments to offset every 1 negative comment – so seek the positives and speak up about them!
• Consider creating a specific time for feedback or issues you are confronting – this frees up the rest of the week to be a critique-free zone
• Talk about yourself and your feelings, rather than about something your partner has done
• Use ‘soft starts’ and make sure you have your partner’s full attention before getting into the core of what you wish to say
• If you know what you are speaking about is a sensitive topic for your partner, consider giving a pre-amble. Something like “I know what I want to talk about is a difficult topic for you, but it’s important to me and I’m hoping you’ll be able to stay open to what I have to say. I am not trying to hurt you – rather, I’m trying to express my feelings.”

These are a few ideas that can help the two of you remain honest with each other, and keep smaller or repetitive issues from becoming big ones.

Because this is such a big issue for so many couples, I also sponsor an Emotions and triggers course for one or both partners. Starting October 14th this is a good way learn how to engage with feedback.

NEWS and EVENTS:

STARTING OCTOBER 14 - Emotions and triggers course - How do you calm emotions that get quickly out of control?  How do you keep a partner engaged when triggers lead to avoidance and escape?  Don't be held hostage by emotions and triggers.

STARTING OCTOBER 20TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration OPEN! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now! 

The ADHD Effect on Marriage is Healthline’s pick for the 10 Best ADHD Books of 2021

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

‘Tantrum’ is a word that I hate to use about adult behavior, but unfortunately in the emotional dysregulation that can come with ADHD, it can sometimes be apt.  I’ve seen grown men jump up and down in one place, face red, with fists balled up.  It’s not pretty.  And it is a tantrum.

I chose this quote because it speaks to a common response to tantrums that doesn’t typically work – trying to calm someone down once the tantrum has started.  At that point, the person’s logical thinking has been hijacked, and calming them is almost impossible.  Instead, you must let the angry partner calm down and make sure everyone (including yourself) remains safe.  The calmer the other partner is, the less fuel for the tantrum ‘fire.’

A better strategy is to create a verbal cue to use before the tantrum starts that keeps emotions from escalating.  I review how to do this in my couples seminar.

I have also recently written a blog post on extreme emotions that provides interesting info on the biology of emotional dysregulation and on RSD. 

If you have wild outbursts in your relationship, I hope you review these resources.

NEWS and EVENTS:

Registration for the next live session will open up in the next week or two.  In the meantime, the self-study is available.

Registration for the January non-ADHD support groups will open up on December 8.

To all Veterans: Thank you for your service!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

RESOURCES:

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Detachment in relationships is often misunderstood.  People think it means not engaging, perhaps losing interest in a partner.  But what it really means is engaging only in constructive ways and focusing on those things that you do and should have control over. 

This can be hard in ADHD-impacted relationships.  Many non-ADHD partners spend a lot of time thinking about how they would like their partner to behave (I’ve been guilty of this) rather than thinking about whether or not it’s their role to do so.  It’s hard to separate the “what would feel good to me” from the “what is my partner’s right to decide to do.”  This is, in part, because if your partner decides not to do something (or wants to do it, but forgets) it feels as if the burden then lands in your lap.  Or that something hurtful will soon happen.

That may be so, but that doesn’t change the landscape here.  Even if the result isn’t ideal, that doesn’t change your partner’s right to choose how they will lead their own life.

The way to manage this, then, is to live more in the present moment and to constantly ask yourself…is this REALLY mine to manage?  Doing this can be humbling and feel very uncomfortable.  But it puts the burden on effort on the person who actually has that burden – the ‘do-er.’

The result might be that each partner takes more personal responsibility…since the buck actually does stop with them. It might be that the couple comes to a better understanding of the strengths and weaknesses of both partners and works that into their routines.  It might be that the couple goes to counseling to work through issues around boundaries…and there are other options.

My point is this – detachment leads to healthier relationships by placing the responsibility for a person’s actions with that person – where it belongs. 

Do you have healthy detachment in your relationship?  And if not, would trying to live in the moment help?

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session started October 20, 2021.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

There is an old saying that the opposite of love is not hate…the opposite of love is indifference.  This idea fits nicely with Freeman’s words.  Anger, resentment,  living together because you can’t think of anything better to do…these all create connections and bonds.  Yet they are not necessarily love.

I’ve been giving a good deal of thought lately to what the word ‘love’ means, and I am convinced that it includes caring for, and accommodating another person’s desires in your life…demonstrating your passion for another (I’m not talking sexual, though that’s good, too) and being genuinely eager to be with that person.  And, of course, the reverse.  Love is a choice that you BOTH make each day to be engaged, vulnerable with, and interested in your partner and your life together. 

I would be interested in hearing from you all.  What does love me to you, and how do you sustain it?

STARTING TOMORROW OCTOBER 20TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Don't Miss this Opportunity to Repair Your Marriage and Learn to Thrive! 

Get Notified of Upcoming Events Here

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

What standards to you have, overall, for the quality of your relationship?  How are you measuring its value?  I’ve seen some couples change and adapt until things feel calmer, but they still don’t have what they want.  I’ve seen people ‘convince’ themselves that having a partner who really doesn’t pay adequate attention to them is okay.  I’ve seen others ‘settle’ for something that might be ‘good enough’ but doesn’t really feel like love.  It becomes a relationship that is expedient, but often without joy.  Eventually, these sorts of adaptations may lead to a sense of emptiness and sadness.

Look – we only have one life to live.  Figure out what is unique and wonderful in your relationship, in yourself, and in your partner.  Examine your most deeply held values and expectations about what a relationship must be for you.  Then look carefully at what you have.  With help, can you get there from here?  Are there specific issues that you thought you cared about, but really don’t?  Are there others that you’ve said don’t really matter, but which still eat away at you?  Are you at risk of setting your aim too low, and achieving your mark?

NEWS and EVENTS:

STARTING WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 20TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. DON'T DELAY! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now! 

Dr. Hallowell’s Wonderful World of Different podcast just launched. Listen on Spotify. 

My Secrets to Lasting Love on the Sizzling Hot Marriage Show

Have you ever heard “I feel like I have another child”? I talk about common maladaptive dynamics between couples and how ADHD impacts relationships. All The Therapies

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

RESOURCES:

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS NEXT WEEK - October 20, 2021. 

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

When you’re struggling in your relationship it’s all too easy to focus on the problems you face, rather than celebrating the strengths in each of you and in your relationship. Yet John Gottman, one of the top marriage researchers in the country, points out that healthy relationships have about 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. Many of you are not currently meeting that ration, and I get it.

Can you look inside yourself to find a spirit of unity, hope and charity to celebrate what is good? If you’re struggling to figure out how to do that, consider keeping a gratitude journal in which you complete the sentence “I am grateful for…” at least three times a day (I used to do this before going to bed). When you see something positive, mention it. When you have a chance to say “I love you,” do it.  

We are all human and none of us always meet even our own ideals, let alone those of others. It helps when we seek grace and express it.

Are there ways you could seek out and celebrate the positives in your life and relationship?

NEWS and EVENTS:

STARTING OCTOBER 14 - Emotions and triggers course - How do you calm emotions that get quickly out of control?  How do you keep a partner engaged when triggers lead to avoidance and escape?  Don't be held hostage by emotions and triggers.

STARTING OCTOBER 20 - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration OPEN! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now! 

OCTOBER 15-18 - Telesummit just for men with ADHD - 15 experts in the field of ADHD. My presentation: Rebuilding Trust. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

My emails end with a quote that I created many years ago:

There is no such thing as ‘do over’ in a marriage.  There is only ‘do better.’

As much as we might like to go back and change our past in general…or even a specific decision we made, we simply can’t. Furthermore, we cannot change our partner’s behaviors, either in the past or in the present. We can only control our own behaviors today and tomorrow.

It can be hard to learn this lesson. Really hard. But the past is the past. Do you let it leak into your present, too?

It makes sense to grieve what you have in your past together, and sometimes couples can benefit by grieving together. Acknowledge that grief, then seek ways to heal – with forgiveness, behavior changes today, and more. With time, you should be able to accept where you are, and start working on ‘changing your ending’ for the better.

I have had the honor to have seen many, many couples change what seemed like an inevitable ending, even as some couples are not be able to do so. It starts with acceptance of where you are, an assessment of where you wish to be, and taking a path from one to the other.

What things are you doing – specifically – to change your ending? 

NEWS and EVENTS:

STARTING OCTOBER 14 - Emotions and triggers course - How do you calm emotions that get quickly out of control?  How do you keep a partner engaged when triggers lead to avoidance and escape?  Don't be held hostage by emotions and triggers.

STARTING OCTOBER 20TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration OPEN! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now! 

The ADHD Effect is Healthline’s pick for the 10 Best ADHD Books of 2021

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I know this feeling and, whether you are a person with ADHD or a person without ADHD with an ADHD partner, I'm guessing you know it, too.

Will my partner explode?  Denigrade my request?  Become immediately defensive?  Tell me what I'm supposed to think instead of listening?  Not being sure, or experiencing a lot of unexpectedly emotional responses from your partner, can make one cautious about what one says.  You might measure whether to say anything at all.  But being shut down by a partner's anger, defensiveness or reactiveness is really hurtful to you and your relationship.

What do you do?  First and foremost, understand that while keeping the peace may be expedient in the short-term, in the long-term it's toxic for you.  This means that the issue needs to be addressed.  I'm not talking about keeping quiet about annoyances here - that's part of being respectful.  I'm talking about serious issues that can't be discussed because of fear of a partner's response.

A counselor can help open up communication between partners.  So can having the partner who is reactive or easily triggered take on this emotionality as a target symptom.  Sometimes reactiveness can be lessened through ADHD treatment or, for either partner, therapy.  

Because this is such a big issue for so many couples, I also sponsor an emotions and triggers course for one or both partners.  The next session starts October 14th, and it could be a good way to start to engage with this issue, too.

Whatever path you choose, please make sure that you take care of your own needs to be heard and respected by not continuing to take 'walking on eggshells' as the norm in your relationship.

NEWS and EVENTS:

STARTING OCTOBER 14 - Emotions and triggers course - How do you calm emotions that get quickly out of control?  How do you keep a partner engaged when triggers lead to avoidance and escape?  Don't be held hostage by emotions and triggers.

STARTING OCTOBER 20TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration OPEN! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now! 

The ADHD Effect is Healthline’s pick for the 10 Best ADHD Books of 2021

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Not surprisingly, I’m a big believer in couple’s counseling.  Not because I do it, but because issues couples face are about what both partners contribute to the relationship.  Relationships are the ultimate ‘tapestry’ created by every action each partner takes, every day.  And, as O’Connor notes, ‘we don’t accomplish anything alone.’  Yes, you can improve your life by changing your own behaviors and attitudes.  But to truly, thoroughly, thrive you have to do it together.

Having trouble getting your partner to fully engage?  Remember that tapestry, and how each thread added makes you both stronger.  Start with target symptoms or target behaviors, add positive threads in those areas, and perhaps sooner than you imagine the cloth of your relationship will begin to feel more colorful and stronger.

STARTING OCTOBER 20TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration OPEN! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now! 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

"So, I just wanted to tell you I read your tips every week. I’m a non ADHD husband. I love my wife. She has the best heart ever. This Aug will be 30yrs of marriage. I have my faults.

I have recently become aware of just how much ADHD has impaired my wife’s ability to mentally hear verbal communication and to formulate verbal communication back. But communication in print helps.  So texting helps a lot. But sometimes during emergency emotional moments there is no time for texting. The true bonding emotions must be conveyed immediately. If we rely on verbal communication at those times my wife is handicapped to express herself and her words often come out saying things she didn’t mean. That is, if words come out at all.

This can be very difficult for both of us. The big question is how can we successfully express our feelings so we can unite during trialsome times? 

We are trying just two things. First look each other in the eyes when we talk. Second, communicate through touch.  If you can’t formulate the words right away say it through loving touch. Show your heart to your mate when you feel you just can’t say the right words. This stop so many wrong conclusions during the silent critical moments someone needs to express their feelings, but can’t." 

This week’s quote… So, in the heat of a moment if you feel you caused pain accidentally in your relationship… say your feelings of re-bonding with touch first. This has been a new break through for us….Just two simple things. Look each other in the eyes when you speak and communicate through touch as a first feelings responder. Works miracles

- Non-ADHD partner, James, in an email

NEWS and EVENTS:

September 3-4, 2021 - Sizzling Hot Marriage Show: 21 Experts Register here

September 13-17, 2021 - Finding Love Summit: 20+ Experts including me. Register here

Starting October - Non-ADHD Support Groups, Almost FULL. Register here.

STARTING OCTOBER 20TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration OPEN! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now! 

The ADHD Effect is Healthline’s pick for the 10 Best ADHD Books of 2021

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.