Weekly Marriage Tips

I was struck by this quote because the idea of listening to another with a humble heart to genuinely understand their experience is so relevant for ADHD-impacted relationships.  You and your partner are exceptionally different.  Not just because of the ‘typical’ factors, such as upbringing, gender, or education level, but because your brains function differently.  You experience the same events through completely different lenses.

In my seminar I urge partners to believe their partner’s explanations of what they are experiencing.  To resist discounting experiences that just don’t feel ‘rational’ or ‘real’ because they are so different from their own.  If, for example, a non-ADHD partner says “I feel invisible…” don’t tell the person they aren’t.  Rather, ask yourself ‘what would that feel like?’  If an ADHD partner says ‘I don’t know why I don’t get the bills paid on time’ don’t judge that statement but, again, ask ‘what would that feel like?’

As you go through this opening up to your partner’s experience remember that this may not be easy.  It doesn’t feel comfortable to understand an experience that may be so foreign to you.  Yet…well worth it.  The empathy you develop for that experience can help you both feel better heard and lessen friction between you.

Could you do a better job of listening with a humble heart to understand another’s experience from their perspective, not as we imagine we would feel?

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I learned the lesson that Jordan is speaking about back when I had cancer. For me, and to many cancer survivors, the question becomes how do we make each day count? Connection is vitally important, but so is living with purpose and joy. At the time of my most recent cancer we were recovering from an affair, and it became more clear that ensuring my own happiness is my responsibility. 

We are all responsible for our own joy. Our partner is a factor, but they are not responsible for making us happy. Connection - with a partner, or with other family members or friends whom we love - is a big part of happiness and joy for many. But that’s not the only factor.  We all get to define what brings us joy. For me that includes helping others, the act of creating and exploring things (art, music, new ideas), and making sure that at the end of each day I can say I had a day that I spent well. 

What brings you joy?  Do you have enough of it?  If not, what can you do to change that?

Read or listen to my interview on ADHD and the struggles to develop friendships with Nikki Kinzer 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. DATES FOR THE FALL, 2021 SEMINAR HAVE BEEN SET AND REGISTRATION WILL OPEN AUGUST 1.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

“In our era it is not enough to be tolerant.  You tolerate mosquitos in the summer, a rattle in an engine, the gray slush that collects at the crosswalks in the winter.  You tolerate what you would rather not have to deal with and wish would go away.  It is no honor to be tolerated.  Every spiritual tradition says love your neighbor as yourself, not tolerate them.”  -Isabel Wilkerson

Sometimes I hear from people that they have grown to tolerate their partner or their relationship and that this is an improvement over where they were before. But as Wilkerson and Morgan point out, tolerating is not enough. There is an inherent imbalance in tolerating your partner that must certainly come through in your interactions and ‘between the lines’ communication and attitudes. A better goal would be to be satisfied or happy, or to learn how to thrive. It should not be to have a relationship that's tolerable.  You – and your partner – deserve better.  Put another way, how would you feel if your partner simply tolerated you? Would you feel appreciated? Would you feel loved? Would you feel happy? 

How would you describe your situation? Is it just tolerable or are you onto the path to something truly better? 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources on ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. 

ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. TENTATIVE DATES FOR THE FALL SEMINAR HAVE BEEN SET AND REGISTRATION WILL OPEN AUGUST 1.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

For many years, I have suggested that ADHD partners should stop trying harder and, instead, try differently. Recently one of my seminar participants suggested that it isn't about trying, but rather about doing. 

He is right, of course. There is a space between intent and action which is very meaningful in relationships impacted by ADHD. While I stick with ‘Don't try harder, try differently’ because it's memorable, the idea behind the saying is ‘don’t be afraid to try the ADHD way, rather than the non-ADHD way.’ But really, Yoda was right . When it comes to relationships, it’s ‘Do or do not, there is no try.’ 

To translate intention into action, I recommend that couples set SMART goals. This allows them to objectively measure their actions rather than their intent. 

So…step 1 – don’t be afraid to try the ADHD way (whatever that is for you)

Step 2 – set goals that are objectively measurable so over time you can learn what it takes to  ‘do’

Are you using SMART, objective goals and learning to do? 

In this podcast I talk about: What is ADHD & how is it diagnosed in adults; The surprising ways ADHD affects marriages and relationships; Rebuilding a relationship after ADHD has eroded it. Listen to One Broken Mom Podcast

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. TENTATIVE DATES FOR THE FALL, 2021 SEMINAR HAVE BEEN SET AND REGISTRATION WILL OPEN AUGUST 1.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

The pandemic has done more to interrupt our lives than many of us think. I've been able to continue working, but I find that there is an underlying pulse of itchiness and dissatisfaction that has crept into how I feel about my days.  I've realized that the things that I have done that brought spice and calm and energy to my life were largely put on hold during the pandemic. And connection, which Dr. Ned Hallowell calls “the other vitamin C ,” is a large part of what I yearn for. 

There are things that the pandemic brought forward that have been positive. These include the ability to slow down and live more in the moment, and an ability to nest and enjoy our homes. But, as Brooks suggests, contact with others and the ability to re energize is critical.

How will you reach out and reenergize your life? 

Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with me to support you during the COVID-19 crisis:
Wed, May 26:  12:00pm - 1:00pm EASTERN - FINAL OFFICE HOURS UNTIL SEPT.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Many adults who have ADHD feel deep shame. This is often a result of having grown up with adults and peers whom they cared about telling them that they ought to be able to do better. They've absorbed a story about themselves that they cannot, or that they are unworthy. 

I came across Lancer's description of shame while listening to a podcast and thought that the idea of one abusing oneself when feeling shame was an insightful way to think about how you are hurting yourself when engaging with shame. When you have feelings of shame, you have a robust inner critic sitting on your shoulder saying “you cannot do this! ” or “ you are not worthy!” but those ideas are just ideas. This is a story that you have learned to tell yourself. It is not reflective of reality. 

CBT therapy is one way to address the story of shame. Another is to journal and ask yourself is this story true? Or is it just a story? 

I encourage all with ADHD to question their feelings of shame and push back. You are more worthy than you think. 

Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with me to support you during the COVID-19 crisis: 

Mon, May 17:  12:00pm - 1:00pm EASTERN  CANCELLED
Thurs, May 20:  8:15pm - 9:30pm EASTERN
Wed, May 26:  12:00pm - 1:00pm EASTERN - FINAL OFFICE HOURS UNTIL SEPT.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session will start Fall 2021

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

We tell ourselves a lot of stories about our relationships that don’t always serve us well.  Some examples:

• “I’ll never be good enough for my partner” or its companion idea, “My partner will never be able to get his act together”
• “Though things are improving a bit, my partner is going to revert to the way they used to be – it’s only a matter of time”
• “My partner is just controlling by nature”

I like to think of these stories as ‘filters’ through which we see things and these filters really distort the world around us, as well as our responses.  If you’re an ADHD partner who believes that you’ll never be good enough, for example, you’re unlikely to fully engage with creating a reminder system to become more reliable.  Which, of course, may be EXACTLY what the other partner longs for.  The story prevents the progress.

If a partner is viewed as enjoying being a controlling person, rather than responding to the chaos around them, then that lack of empathy is a form of invalidation that hurts the non-ADHD partner.  It’s a form of blaming the non-ADHD partner that doesn’t acknowledge the complexity of living with undermanaged ADHD.

Mindfulness training helps people observe what is actually happening around them in real time.  Unlike the ‘now/not now’ jumping from one immediate thing to the next, mindfulness hooks you into the present moment to ask yourself ‘what’s going on here, and how can I savor it better?’  Among other things, this savoring allows you to see your partner’s (sometimes bungled) attempts at connection, autonomy or task completion for what they are – an effort to move the two of you towards a calmer, more balanced relationship.  And, importantly, it moves you away from destructive stories into the real here and now.

Do you carry destructive stories (or filters) with you?

STARTING TOMORROW APRIL 21st - Managing Emotions and Triggers In Adults Group - Implement and practice emotion-management strategies so that you begin to integrate them into your life. 10 people meet virtually once a week for 8 week.

Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with me to support you during the COVID-19 crisis: 

Thurs, April 22: 5:30 - 6:30pm EASTERN
Tues, April 27:  8:15 - 9:30pm EASTERN
Thurs, April 29:  2:15 - 3:30pm EASTERN
Mon, May 3:  1:00 - 2:15pm EASTERN
Thurs, May 6:  5:30 - 6:30pm EASTERN

Note..... no sessions in the summer

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS TOMORROW APRIL 7TH

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

When you’re struggling, it’s hard to feel generous.  COVID hasn’t helped because, let’s face it, 24/7 time together can be grating.  Yet, when I think about which couples turn their relationships around, nurturing a spirit of generosity is a key factor.

Generosity towards one’s partner doesn’t just happen, particularly when things are difficult.  You have to think about it.  Build it.  Reflect on who you, yourself, wish to be.  Consciously add generous moments to your relationship.  Yet inconsistency, chronic resentment, parent-child dynamics all push back – tempting you to give in to the negative feelings and nurture those, instead.

Fight back!  The choice to nurture generosity has a huge impact in your daily life.  Here are some examples of how you might be more generous:

• Though your partner has been pretty good lately about not parenting you, she lays into you about getting the taxes done. 
  • Generous response: Rather than assume she’s reverting to old patterns, assume she had a bad day.  Assure her you are getting to the taxes on X day and ask her if there is anything else she might need.
• Your partner is working with a coach and getting more things ‘right.’  But he still makes some mistakes that are driving you crazy. 
  • Generous response: Acknowledge his progress rather than critiquing his continued challenges, and use your own gratitude journal to connect with the positive.
• You ask your partner to tell you he loves you and he responds in an unsatisfying, ‘clunky’ way that doesn’t align with what you had expected. 
  • Generous response: instead of following feelings of resentment or hopelessness, remind yourself that your partner didn’t communicate using the words you had expected, but was still trying to tell you how much they loved you.  Do some positive interpretation…and perhaps talk with them about your love language some time in the future.

Generosity in ADHD-impacted relationships comes in the form of taming negative responses, looking for deeper meaning, refraining from judging your partner’s approach, and seeking to express affection.  All of these are the basis for genuine gain for you both.

How could you be more generous in your relationship?

STARTING TOMORROW APRIL 7TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Register TODAY! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now!

Managing Emotions and Triggers In Adults Group - Starts April 21st. Implement and practice emotion-management strategies so that you begin to integrate them into your life. 10 people meet virtually once a week for 8 week.

Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with me to support you during the COVID-19 crisis:
Tues, April 13:  7:00 - 8:30pm EASTERN
Mon, April 19:  12:30 - 1:30pm EASTERN
Thurs, April 22:  5:30 - 6:30pm EASTERN

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS TOMORROW APRIL 7TH

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Here are some phrases I would love you to pay attention to: “should be able to,” “ought to” and “have to.”  Whenever I hear someone say any of them in my consulting practice, I ask the speaker these sorts of questions:

• Why should you be able to?
• Who says you ought to?
• Why do you feel you have to?  Do you really have to?  Who says so?

What asking these sorts of questions often reveals is that feelings of obligation, social pressure and a misunderstanding of the boundaries leads to paralysis and unnecessary feelings of shame and resentment.

Examples from my practice:

1. An ADHD partner says “I should be able to clean out the basement on my own,” even though the task feels completely overwhelming to her…so she has left it sitting there for 3 years and feels great shame about that.  Her husband is furious, too.
2. A non-ADHD partner says to his husband, “you ought to be able to remember to call me if you’re going to be late getting home,” even though that ADHD partner doesn’t have a good scheduling system in place.  Both partners are frustrated by the miscommunications.
3. A non-ADHD woman says, “if you don’t call your parents to talk with them about this family issue, then I will have to.”  She harbors great resentment about her husband’s lack of action, while he resents her insistence he do something he does not wish to do.

The questions to ask yourself and your partner are, as Pal indicates, ‘given your current situation - and all that you know about ADHD - are you the best person for the job?’ and ‘’should I/we use our knowledge of ADHD to make this thing happen?’  

The resolutions for the three couples above were as follows:

1. The woman hired a trusted cleaner to work with her.  She decided what to keep, while the cleaner managed getting rid of it.  This solution used the expertise of both individuals at their best.
2. Both agreed that it was desirable to be in better touch around this topic, so the ADHD partner created a more robust reminder system.  The ADHD partner was the best person for this job.
3. I advised this couple that the relationship with the ADHD partner’s parents was primarily the responsibility of the ADHD partner, not the spouse.  In this case, the spouse was over-stepping her bounds and was not the best person for the job.  She needed to acknowledge her partner’s rights, and stop nurturing her resentment that his opinion did not align with hers.

You may be the right person for the task ahead…or you may not.  It’s always helpful to ask this of yourself.

Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar, via webinar, starts April 7, 2021. This seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with me to support you during the COVID-19 crisis:

Mon, Apr 5:  4:00 - 5:00pm EASTERN
Wed, Apr 7:  5:00 - 6:00pm EASTERN CANCELLED
Tues, April 13:  7:00 - 8:30pm EASTERN
Mon, April 19:  12:30 - 1:30pm EASTERN
Thurs, April 22:  5:30 - 6:30pm EASTERN

Managing Emotions and Triggers In Adults Group - Starts April 21 - 10 people that meet virtually once a week for 8 week. Implement and practice emotion-management strategies so that you begin to integrate them into your life. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Free resources for couples impacted by ADHD: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session starts April 7, 2021.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.   

There is no such thing as 'do over' in marriage...there is only 'do better.'

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

The majority of differences between you and your partner will never be ‘resolved’ in a way that puts you in total agreement on the issue at hand.  That’s to be expected – you are quite different from each other, and both of you have the right to your opinions and ways of thinking.

Committed adult relationships are an exercise in practicality, as well as nurturing affection.  As Albright points out, fantasizing about a harmony that is out of reach doesn’t really work.  It leads to disappointment instead of satisfaction.  Conversely, focusing on constructive outcomes leads to genuine affection.

Those negotiations are the ‘give and take’ of adult relationships.  Think of them as ‘work arounds’ that acknowledge you both have an equal voice and that accommodate you both.  Any individual negotiation might lead to one partner’s way being preferred, of course, but over time you both are ‘seen’ and ‘heard’ in these constructive outcomes.

To get to these outcomes, focus on these things (taught in my couples seminar, btw):

• Developing conflict intimacy, learning conversation and other communication skill sets that allow both partners to express their feelings and needs without being judged
• Looking for the ‘and’ in situations to see if there is a way to have part of what one partner wants and part of what the other partner wants (vs. either/or)
• Managing anger outbursts which might make the relationship unsafe for good communication
• Moving away from parent-child dynamics which rarely allow for an equal ‘give and take.’

If you’re not satisfied that the outcomes of your disagreements are constructive, which of these might be a good starting place?

The ADHD Effect In-Depth - webinar seminar - April 7, 2021 is the start of my 8-session live Couples' Seminar.  Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship?  This seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with me to support you during the COVID-19 crisis.

Mon, Apr 5:  4:00 - 5:00pm EASTERN
Wed, Apr 7:  5:00 - 6:00pm EASTERN

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.  

ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session starts April 7, 2021.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.