Weekly Marriage Tips

I love this idea, and it reminds me of all the things I used to do that made me uncomfortable.  I did them because I thought I should, and because I couldn’t think of any alternatives that seemed to work.  Here are just a few:

• Hide feelings because I thought my partner wouldn’t like them

• Take on too much work because my partner didn’t engage with it

• Accept my partner’s disrespectful comments, writing them off ‘because he was angry’

• Wait way too long to get professional help

I wish I had chosen to stick up for myself more.  Not by judging my partner but by doing the opposite – engaging with him in a positive, non-parenting way.  Insisting that he figure out how to treat me and everyone else in the family with respect.  Listening to his anger and believing what he said, then trying to do something about it rather than resist.

I don’t owe it to my husband to take on his moods, behaviors and negativity any more than he owes that to me.  But I DO owe it to both of us to engage thoughtfully, honestly about my feelings and desires (NOTE that I do not say ‘needs’ here…most of what we ask for are desires or wants, rather than truly needs.)

If you’re feeling uncomfortable with your relationship don’t sit back.  Respectfully request engagement or make changes in your life that address your issues.

Are you feeling uncomfortable with your relationship? - STARTING OCTOBER 20TH - The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration OPEN! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now!

Listen to one of my most detailed interviews on ADHD: love-bombing, emotional dysregulation, procrastination, planning, kids, treatment and much more. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

What does it mean to ‘care too much’?  Carroll gives us some clues – it’s the sort of caring where you see a specific outcome for another person, and you do your best to direct them towards that outcome.   People do this all the time in their relationships.  We expect our partners should change…and in very specific ways.

This is often done with the best of intentions.  You genuinely believe that your partner will be better off if they do things in a ‘better’ way (hence the judgmental part of Carroll’s comment.)

But you are not alike, and your ‘better’ way might not be better for your partner or, perhaps, for your relationship (for example, if your partner feels belittled by your approach or requests.)

One path is to let go of trying to direct your partner in a specific direction.  That frees you to make requests of your partner because they are important to you, while acknowledging your partner’s agency.

Are you caring too much?

STARTING OCTOBER 20TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration OPEN! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now! 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

This woman’s experience in modifying her internal story to become more empowered didn’t change her partner’s behaviors, though she notes that he was doing that himself.  But it dramatically altered her experience.

I urge you to read what she says again, and ask yourself ‘Do I have a chance to better control my suffering?’

STARTING OCTOBER 20TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration OPEN! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now!

Read my latest article in Psych Central 7 Practical Tips When You’re Dating Someone Who Has ADHD

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I remember feeling so confused about my relationship.  Why couldn’t we do better?  Was I doing something wrong?  Why didn’t it seem that others were having the same struggles?  Why is my partner treating me so differently?  These thoughts, which both George and I experienced, turn out to be common for couples who don’t know that ADHD is part of their relationship.

One of the wonderful things that we didn’t have the benefit of – but that you do – is knowing that many other couples experience the exact same issues.  In fact, one of the marvels of ADHD in adults is that because the symptoms are the same (by definition – else you don’t get diagnosed with ADHD) the experiences couples have are often very, very similar.  In other words – it’s not the two of you as people, it’s that you are experiencing ADHD-symptomatic behaviors AND the very human responses to those behaviors that the other partner expresses.

Learning this, by hearing the questions and experiences of others, is incredibly powerful.  You are not alone, and if you’re not so sure of that I hope that you will take advantage of the offerings I provide at my website to start the process of beginning to heal.  If you want a place to start, how about my video of three couples who’ve repaired their relationship?  

STARTING OCTOBER 20TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration OPEN! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now!

Join me for the ADHD Parents Palooza – Understand the nuances of parenting ADHD. Starts Monday, July 26, 2021. Free. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Does the idea of putting others ahead of yourself sound familiar?  How about saying “I should just do X because it’s too much of a hassle to get my partner to do it”?

If so, there’s a word for that – co-dependency.  It’s when you don’t support yourself in a way that helps you thrive and, instead, subjugate yourself to the needs of others around you.  While it may be expedient at first, over the long-run it can make you feel less than, depressed and invisible.

Parent/child dynamics is one example of co-dependency in ADHD-impacted relationships.  One partner under-performs and the other person compensates for that at cost to themselves.

One of the best resources for understanding and getting out of co-dependency is an ‘oldie but goodie,’ Melodie Beatty’s book, Co-Dependent No More.  If you think you struggle with these issues, I urge you to read it.  It, combined with information about how to manage ADHD issues, will start you on a path to a healthier relationship.

STARTING OCTOBER 20TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration OPEN! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now!

Join me for the ADHD Parents Palooza – Understand the nuances of parenting ADHD. Starts Monday, July 26, 2021. Free. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Upheaval in our relationship ‘universes’ come in many forms.  As examples:

• One partner decides they don’t wish to put up with disrespectful conversations anymore and leaves the room whenever the other partner escalates into rage
• One partner starts to talk about possibly leaving the relationship for the first time
• The birth of your first child
• The discovery of an emotional or physical affair
• For some, the diagnosis of ADHD

The fear and emotional turmoil that these turning points may create do not, however, spell doom for a relationship.  In fact, many times they signify opportunity.  Boundaries that help one reinforce a sense of self-worth can be empowering and greatly improve a relationship where boundaries are too weak.  Openly talking about one’s discontent can begin a much-needed conversation with a counselor.  Allowing that it’s hard to add a third being into your relationship can help you create a more mindful approach to new parenthood, etc.

The discovery of an affair, though intensely painful, can cause couples to reassess what they want (or don’t) in their relationship.  ADHD…well, knowing ADHD is present creates the opportunity to change so, so much…

Upheaval can be terrifying.  As you experience it, I urge you to look for where your opportunities may lie.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I was struck by this quote because the idea of listening to another with a humble heart to genuinely understand their experience is so relevant for ADHD-impacted relationships.  You and your partner are exceptionally different.  Not just because of the ‘typical’ factors, such as upbringing, gender, or education level, but because your brains function differently.  You experience the same events through completely different lenses.

In my seminar I urge partners to believe their partner’s explanations of what they are experiencing.  To resist discounting experiences that just don’t feel ‘rational’ or ‘real’ because they are so different from their own.  If, for example, a non-ADHD partner says “I feel invisible…” don’t tell the person they aren’t.  Rather, ask yourself ‘what would that feel like?’  If an ADHD partner says ‘I don’t know why I don’t get the bills paid on time’ don’t judge that statement but, again, ask ‘what would that feel like?’

As you go through this opening up to your partner’s experience remember that this may not be easy.  It doesn’t feel comfortable to understand an experience that may be so foreign to you.  Yet…well worth it.  The empathy you develop for that experience can help you both feel better heard and lessen friction between you.

Could you do a better job of listening with a humble heart to understand another’s experience from their perspective, not as we imagine we would feel?

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I learned the lesson that Jordan is speaking about back when I had cancer. For me, and to many cancer survivors, the question becomes how do we make each day count? Connection is vitally important, but so is living with purpose and joy. At the time of my most recent cancer we were recovering from an affair, and it became more clear that ensuring my own happiness is my responsibility. 

We are all responsible for our own joy. Our partner is a factor, but they are not responsible for making us happy. Connection - with a partner, or with other family members or friends whom we love - is a big part of happiness and joy for many. But that’s not the only factor.  We all get to define what brings us joy. For me that includes helping others, the act of creating and exploring things (art, music, new ideas), and making sure that at the end of each day I can say I had a day that I spent well. 

What brings you joy?  Do you have enough of it?  If not, what can you do to change that?

Read or listen to my interview on ADHD and the struggles to develop friendships with Nikki Kinzer 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. DATES FOR THE FALL, 2021 SEMINAR HAVE BEEN SET AND REGISTRATION WILL OPEN AUGUST 1.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

“In our era it is not enough to be tolerant.  You tolerate mosquitos in the summer, a rattle in an engine, the gray slush that collects at the crosswalks in the winter.  You tolerate what you would rather not have to deal with and wish would go away.  It is no honor to be tolerated.  Every spiritual tradition says love your neighbor as yourself, not tolerate them.”  -Isabel Wilkerson

Sometimes I hear from people that they have grown to tolerate their partner or their relationship and that this is an improvement over where they were before. But as Wilkerson and Morgan point out, tolerating is not enough. There is an inherent imbalance in tolerating your partner that must certainly come through in your interactions and ‘between the lines’ communication and attitudes. A better goal would be to be satisfied or happy, or to learn how to thrive. It should not be to have a relationship that's tolerable.  You – and your partner – deserve better.  Put another way, how would you feel if your partner simply tolerated you? Would you feel appreciated? Would you feel loved? Would you feel happy? 

How would you describe your situation? Is it just tolerable or are you onto the path to something truly better? 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources on ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. 

ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. TENTATIVE DATES FOR THE FALL SEMINAR HAVE BEEN SET AND REGISTRATION WILL OPEN AUGUST 1.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

For many years, I have suggested that ADHD partners should stop trying harder and, instead, try differently. Recently one of my seminar participants suggested that it isn't about trying, but rather about doing. 

He is right, of course. There is a space between intent and action which is very meaningful in relationships impacted by ADHD. While I stick with ‘Don't try harder, try differently’ because it's memorable, the idea behind the saying is ‘don’t be afraid to try the ADHD way, rather than the non-ADHD way.’ But really, Yoda was right . When it comes to relationships, it’s ‘Do or do not, there is no try.’ 

To translate intention into action, I recommend that couples set SMART goals. This allows them to objectively measure their actions rather than their intent. 

So…step 1 – don’t be afraid to try the ADHD way (whatever that is for you)

Step 2 – set goals that are objectively measurable so over time you can learn what it takes to  ‘do’

Are you using SMART, objective goals and learning to do? 

In this podcast I talk about: What is ADHD & how is it diagnosed in adults; The surprising ways ADHD affects marriages and relationships; Rebuilding a relationship after ADHD has eroded it. Listen to One Broken Mom Podcast

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. TENTATIVE DATES FOR THE FALL, 2021 SEMINAR HAVE BEEN SET AND REGISTRATION WILL OPEN AUGUST 1.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.