Joy Snacking

ADHD & Marriage News - March 15, 2023

Quote of the Week
“Here’s an antidote to an ever-stressful, busy, and uncertain world. Try finding and savoring little bites of joy in your day. I call them “joy” snacks.”
-Richard Sima, Washington Post (11/17/22)
Joy Snacking
Mindfulness is well known to improve mental health, but I had never thought of it in these words. And, truth be told, joy snacking sounds so much more fun than setting up a mindfulness practice!
So I started joy snacking and love it! You might, too.
What moments give you joy is personal, but here is one example of how this works. In the mornings my cat, Pepper, likes to jump in my lap as I’m finishing my breakfast. In the past I’ve petted him a little, then put him off my lap to continue with my day. Now I joy snack and spend several minutes noticing how lovely his loud purring is (and how happy it makes me!), the feel of his fur, the pleasure he shows at being with me. Sometimes I tell him “This is a great joy snack! Thank you!” Feeling gratitude in the moment makes it all the better.
There are other moments I’m much more likely to notice than before I started thinking about joy snacking. Really, these little snacks make my days sweeter. Which, of course, is the point.
What joy snacks might be in your life?
NEWS and EVENTS:
➤ REGISTER NOW for the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 9 session Seminar - It started on Monday, but you can still join us. Listen to the recording (all sessions are recorded) and then join in Tuesday March 21st.
MONDAY, March 13: Session 1: Optimizing ADHD treatment; Understanding the differences between you
TUESDAY, March 21: Session 2: Interpreting ADHD symptoms; Symptom/response/response cycles & how to interrupt them; Defensiveness & anger intro
Tues, March 28: *Break (No live lesson) – Please put in your calendars for catch up work
Tues, April 4: Session 3: Getting out of parent/child dynamics; The healing process; Setting boundaries
Tues, April 11: Session 4: NEW SESSION IN 2023! Dealing with strong emotions in ADHD-impacted relationships
Tues, April 18: Session 5: Communication strategies that work
Tues, April 25: Session 6: Getting away from fights and chore wars; Bonus video: Getting organized with ADHD–the emotional issues plus what works
Tues, May 2: Session 7: Difficult to understand behaviors: The skinny on lying, affairs, pornography, and more
MONDAY, May 8: Session 8: Rebuilding trust; the science of finding joy in your ADHD-impacted relationship
TUESDAY, May 16: Session 9: Conflict intimacy; sex and desire; setting personal boundaries; next steps
- For a more detailed curriculum, go to this page.
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTED March 13, 2023.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2023 Melissa Orlov
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
![]() |
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
Starting Tomorrow...

ADHD & Marriage News - January 10, 2023

Quote of the Week
“When your partner is in a state of disrepair, it’s a one-way street. Everybody gets this wrong. It’s not supposed to be “Well, these are your issues, here are mine.” When your partner is in disrepair, it’s like you are working at the customer-service window. Your partner says, “I want a new microwave.” They don’t want to hear that your toaster doesn’t work. They want you to fix their microwave. Later on, we can hear about your issue, but not then. The question of who’s right and who’s wrong is irrelevant. What matters is how we, as a team, are going to make this work for both of us.”
-Terrence Real
One Thing at a Time
How many times have you felt unheard because your partner responded to a complaint of yours with a complaint of their own?! And how often have you done the same to your partner? (Be honest, now!)
Yeah, I recognized myself in this quote as well as most of the couples I’ve worked with.
But as is Real’s way, this is a lighthearted example for a really important habit partners create. When your partner comes to you, it’s not about you…it’s about them and their problem. Later it can be about you.
This replying to a complaint with a complaint is a hard habit to break. One way to do it is to have regular meetings (perhaps one hour per week) set aside to talk about emotional or relationship issues. The speaker gets a chance to really talk about their issue in-depth. Learning conversations can help because they are structured. Another would be to have a verbal cue that allows the initiating partner to communicate “hey – this is about my issue right now…we’ll talk about yours at another time!” asking the other partner to listen first.
Does thinking of yourself at the service window give you any ideas?
NEWS and EVENTS:
➤ Don't Delay- Starting TOMORROW January 11, 2023 - REGISTER NOW for the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 8 - Now 9 with same price - session Seminar - . This is MY premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.
Podcast Naming Challenge!
I'm looking for some assistance coming up with a great name for a podcast with fellow ADHD relationship expert, Susan Tschudi. Not surprisingly, the podcast will be all about ADHD and relationships - primary partnerships as the focus, but also family, friendships and more. The tone will be friendly, with lively and informative conversations between Susan and me about important topics, plus regular guests, useful tips, and some topics based specifically in the real stories of struggling couples.
Can you help us create a great, catchy podcast title? If it helps, our initials happen to combine into MOST (Melissa Orlov and Susan Tschudi).
Please use this contact form to send your ideas (all are welcome!) by January 15. And thanks in advance for sharing your creativity with us!
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 11, 2023.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2023 Melissa Orlov
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
![]() |
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
Fear and Bravery

ADHD & Marriage News - March 9, 2023

Quote of the Week
“(Those who want to be braver need to remember that) feeling fear is not the opposite of being brave. It’s a necessary requirement for being brave.”
-Abigail Marsh, neuroscientist
Fear and Bravery
Marsh gave a fascinating speech I attended a couple of months ago. The topic was the neuroscience of courage. It made me think of what it takes to be brave in a relationship. To address walking on eggshells; to initiate intimacy after years of a hiatus; to ask for counseling; to reach out and repair when you also feel shame. All of these are examples of being courageous in a relationship.
Fear is often present in these situations, most notably fear of failure, rejection or anger. But believing that one must feel safe in order to address these situations may invert the order of events – for one must be courageous to address difficult topics, and thus it is likely that one will feel fear. The safety comes after the courage, and because of the courage to be open and work things through.
That said, emotional dysregulation blows up a couple’s ability to utilize either partner’s willingness to reach out courageously, because acts of bravery such as reaching out or making oneself vulnerable may turn into acts of self-destruction when a triggered partner responds thoughtlessly. It’s one of the reasons that emotional dysregulation is often a bigger issue than classic ADHD symptoms in relationships.
The good news is that emotional dysregulation can be addressed in many people either with medication, therapy or both. There is often childhood trauma at the heart of emotional dysregulation.
If you are an emotionally dysregulated partner, make it a top priority to get that under control so that you both can head bravely towards a better future together. And remember – fear is part of the courageous acts needed to turn things around – including starting the process of managing your emotions.
NEWS and EVENTS:
➤ STARTING THIS MONDAY - REGISTER NOW for the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 9 session Seminar - Begins MARCH 13, 2023. This is MY premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.
"We are in the best place we have ever been as a couple - and without your course we would never have managed that - in fact, without your course we wouldn't have managed to stay together...."
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS MARCH 13, 2023.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2023 Melissa Orlov
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
![]() |
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
The Brain Cannot Do Negatives!

ADHD & Marriage News - February 15, 2023

Quote of the Week
“You won’t be successful for very long if you try to stop yelling at work or at home. The frustration of trying to suppress the impulse to yell while focused on not yelling will likely make you yell more. That’s because the brain cannot do negatives; it must do something instead of what you don’t want to do. If you practice speaking to others respectfully, with sensitivity to their individual sensibilities, you will not yell at them and are far more likely to get cooperation from them.”
-Steven Stosny, PhD
The Brain Cannot Do Negatives!
Okay, this concept is a biggie when it comes to ADHD-impacted relationships!
How many times have you said “I’ll try to stop (fill in the blank – yelling/being late/criticizing etc)?” You try and it works for a bit, but then comes back. The idea that our brains require us to replace a bad habit with a better one is critical to creating change that works.
This is one reason why the behavioral strategies for ADHD are so helpful. Rather than just ‘trying harder’ to be on time, a tardy person might set alarms and reminders to enable a different approach. Focusing on creating a habit of alarms is proactive, as well as effective. A partner who is wishing to be less critical, must practice being more positive (i.e. the thing that replaces the negativity) to be able to employ it more easily. Verbal cues for do-overs, gratitude and appreciation practices, and thinking about what one wishes to say ahead of time are all replacement strategies shown to help.
And, as Stosny points out, the benefit is both that you are working with your brain, and that you increase the likelihood that your partner will respond positively to you.
Where in your life might Stosny’s information about how the brain cannot do negatives help?
NEWS and EVENTS:
➤ REGISTER NOW for the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 9 session Seminar - Tuesdays and 2 Mondays, 7:30pm EASTERN time.
MONDAY, March 13: Session 1: Optimizing ADHD treatment; Understanding the differences between you
TUESDAY, March 21: Session 2: Interpreting ADHD symptoms; Symptom/response/response cycles & how to interrupt them; Defensiveness & anger intro
Tues, March 28: *Break (No live lesson) – Please put in your calendars for catch up work
Tues, April 4: Session 3: Getting out of parent/child dynamics; The healing process; Setting boundaries
Tues, April 11: Session 4: NEW SESSION IN 2023! Dealing with strong emotions in ADHD-impacted relationships
Tues, April 18: Session 5: Communication strategies that work
Tues, April 25: Session 6: Getting away from fights and chore wars; Bonus video: Getting organized with ADHD–the emotional issues plus what works
Tues, May 2: Session 7: Difficult to understand behaviors: The skinny on lying, affairs, pornography, and more
MONDAY, May 8: Session 8: Rebuilding trust; the science of finding joy in your ADHD-impacted relationship
TUESDAY, May 16: Session 9: Conflict intimacy; sex and desire; setting personal boundaries; next steps
- For a more detailed curriculum, go to this page.
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS March 13, 2023.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group (few openings) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (Spring 2023 Group - April 19, 2023 - June 7, 2023 - Registration open now!) - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2023 Melissa Orlov
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
![]() |
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
A Good Man

ADHD & Marriage News - February 8, 2023

Quote of the Week
“What the society needs is not strong men, it's good men. And good men are not cruel on purpose. (These days) we are elevating a version of manhood that is completely inverted…”
-Jonah Goldberg, ex Fox anchor
A Good Man
In this speech Goldberg got me thinking about what makes a good man. We are all flawed to some degree, so putting someone on a pedestal here doesn’t really help. But here are some of the qualities I believe good people (men and women) possess. Note that this is a personal list, and I will soon ask you to consider your own:
- Honest
- Loving, caring, kind, and thoughtful. Willing to do the work needed to balance their own needs and desires with those of others around them, including their partner
- Accepts responsibility when it is theirs and takes action to try to address issues
- Interested in engaging, or at least willing to engage when asked
- Has a sense of purpose
- Reaches out to connect with others and make a positive difference in the world
Now it’s your turn. How would you describe a good person?
NEWS and EVENTS:
➤ REGISTER NOW for the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 9 session Seminar - Spring (March) 2023 Live Seminar
Begins Monday, March 13, 2023 / Live lessons are on Tuesdays (& 2 Mondays) 7:30pm ET. This is MY premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.
Non-ADHD Support groups - Registration opened today Feb 8th. These fill up quickly
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS March 13, 2023.
Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration open now) ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (Spring, April 2023 Group: April 19, 2023 - June 7, 2023)
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2023 Melissa Orlov
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
![]() |
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
‘No Idea’ is an Opportunity

ADHD & Marriage News - February 1, 2023

Quote of the Week
“Putting together a novel is essentially putting together the lives of strangers I’m coming to know. In some ways it’s not unlike putting together my own life. I think I know what I’m doing when in truth I have no idea.”
-Ann Patchett, These Precious Days
'No Idea' is an Opportunity
I have spent quite a bit of time over the last year and a half contemplating the idea that the future is unknowable. I thought I knew where my life was going, with a really great bucket list and a partner I loved who seemed eager to share the journey. With effort many of you are familiar with, I thought I had been putting together my life as I wanted it, only to learn that none of us really know where life is going to take us, myself included. In relationships, in particular, we are only one half of the ‘putting together’ and that means we have less control than we might like to think.
As I start fresh as a now-divorced woman, I might find the idea that we don’t really control our lives depressing, but instead I find Patchett’s words oddly reassuring. She writes of coming to know one’s life in a way that makes me think of an unending opportunity to learn. To figure out oneself as she figures out her characters. To grow, and blossom as you go along. To become stronger and more fulfilled. She is not upset that she has ‘no idea’ what she is doing, only notes that many things are not knowable but can become familiar through experience.
Rather than being scary, I find the idea that ‘the future is unknowable’ is a call for acceptance – to let go of trying to control things, people’s experiences, and my own life’s specific direction in a ‘planning’ kind of way. Instead, I’m learning to accept all the present day has to offer, be less anxious about the future, trust others to contribute what they wish to (rather than what I ask of them), and to make each of my days as interesting, connected, and positive as possible.
If you accepted the idea that the future is unknowable and relaxed a bit more into today, what would happen? It’s a thorny question for many people struggling in ADHD-impacted relationships. The ups and downs of life together naturally produce anxiety and a desire to either control or escape, neither of which helps your relationship. Still, it’s a question worth asking.
NEWS and EVENTS:
➤ The March non-ADHD partner support groups will open for registration on FEBRUARY 8. These groups fill very quickly, so please go to the non-ADHD support group page to see which dates and times might work for you, then return to the site on February 8 to register.
The next groups after this set will run in the Fall of 2023, so if you want this support please don't miss your chance to register.
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS Monday, March 13, 2023 - registration now open.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration opens Feb 8) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2023 Melissa Orlov
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
![]() |
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
The Courage of Everyday Heroism

ADHD & Marriage News - January 17, 2023

Quote of the Week
“You learn to overcome fear by slowly building new habits of exposing yourself to it a little bit at a time. You start small and practice staying calm. This is the basis of behavioral therapy. You train yourself to be calm on cue, then get little doses of what affects you.”
-Abigail Marsh, author of The Fear Factor: How One Emotion Connects Altruists, Psychopaths, and Everyone In-Between
The Courage of Everyday Heroism
Marsh gave a lecture this summer (’22) on the topic of what it takes to be a hero and was interested to hear that heros share qualities of humility and honesty, and put great value on others. The person who runs to the burning car to pull out the crash victim is thinking first and foremost about that other person.
The question of the lecture was “how can the average person become more courageous?” and here is what Marsh says her research suggests:
- Don’t try to eliminate fear. By engaging with fear you make it dominant. Instead, acknowledge the legitimacy of fear and move past it as you can.
- Develop a habit of pushing yourself to try things that you are nervous about (without being reckless)
- Seek to develop humility and turn your focus outside of yourself
- Practice gratitude to stay in touch with the world outside of you
- Seek out experiences that instill feelings of being one of a larger world – again, this brings you outside of yourself and into a state of greater humility
- Contemplate the acts of heroes around us
There are all sorts of reasons we might wish to develop courage – courage to keep on the path we’re on; courage to step off it; and everything in between. I hope Marsh’s thoughts give you some opportunity for reflection about your own life.
NEWS and EVENTS:
➤ REGISTER NOW THERE'S STILL TIME TO JOIN MY ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 9 session Zoom Seminar - ONLY ONE SESSION HAS HAPPENED AND IT'S RECORDED - This is MY premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.
ADHD Couples Palooza - January 20-22, 2023. Registration is free! My airdate is Friday, January 20TH, "Dealing with Emotional Volatility in ADHD-Impacted Relationships"
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2023 Melissa Orlov
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
![]() |
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
Normal Marital Hatred

ADHD & Marriage News - JANUARY 4, 2023

Quote of the Week
“The disillusionment phase (of a marriage) is critical. It’s the stuff of intimacy. It’s the collision of your imperfections and how we handle it. Our culture doesn’t equip people to deal with that disillusionment. It’s rough. It’s dark. I’ve run around the country for 20 years, talking about what I call “normal marital hatred” and not one person has ever come backstage to ask what I meant by that.”
-Terrence Real
Normal Marital Hatred
You and your partner are different, and it makes sense that you would get on each other nerves after years of living together. Really get on each other’s nerves, at least some of the time!
Real calls this the ‘disillusionment phase’ of marriage. Sound familiar? The question is, what do you do with it? Couples who are able to be kind and honest about their difficult feelings are more likely to be able to build the intimacy that gets them through these dark times.
In my couples seminar I teach what’s called ‘conflict intimacy’ (session 9). The idea behind this form of communication is that each partner agrees to be neither aggressive nor defensive when they talk with each other, and to respect that no matter how much they disagree with what the other partner has to say, they have a right to hold that idea. This form of communication takes practice (like any other skill) but couples who are able to master this conversational skill find their relationships deepened in spite of their differences.
When you speak with your partner, would you describe yourself as neither aggressive nor defensive?
STARTING IN ONE WEEK:
➤ Begins January 11, 2023 - the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 8 - NOW 9 session - Seminar - NEW SESSION IN 2023 - Dealing with strong emotions in ADHD-impacted relationships.
This is MY premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. Register and learn more.
For a detailed curriculum, go to this page.
- Recordings will be accessible after each live lesson in case you miss any.
- NOTE: If you're not available for most of these live lessons, you can register today for the self-study seminar option: access the material now and start at your own pace!
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 11, 2023.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD
Downloadable chapters of my books
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues
A large number of blog posts on various topics
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2023 Melissa Orlov
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
![]() |
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
The Important Person

ADHD & Marriage News - December 22, 2022

Quote of the Week
“Co-dependency is also about the other person’s responses becoming more important than your own needs. In your mind, that other person becomes more important than you.”
- A therapist I know
The Important Person
One of the very difficult dynamics in relationships impacted by ADHD are those around emotional dysregulation in both partners. If you fear how your partner will respond, then you start revising how you approach that partner – distorting your ability to express your feelings and needs. After years of this, you may feel as if you have lost yourself in your relationship when, really, what you may be is co-dependent. You’ve put someone else’s responses ahead of your own needs.
I’m talking about a chronic condition, not about daily gifts of caring you might give to your partner. Co-dependency is about avoidance of asserting your needs to appease another or avoid conflict, and about supporting behaviors (such as alcoholism, addictions or physical abuse). Giving the gift of love is about getting your needs met AND being able to do special (healthy) things for your partner because you care.
If you wish to explore co-dependency more, try Melody Beatty’s The New Co-Dependency or try reading a good book on creating better boundaries, such as Boundary Boss by Teri Cole (one of my favorite books for couples impacted by ADHD.)
NEWS and EVENTS:
Speaking of giving the gift of love, consider enrolling in my Live Seminar! Now, 9 sessions!
➤ REGISTER NOW for the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 8 9 session Seminar - Begins January 11, 2023. This is MY premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.
9 regular sessions of a live lecture and Q&A
Access to recordings of the live lectures and Q&A
2 BONUS pre-recorded video lessons: Medications overview; Better organization with ADHD
Optional homework and readings*
3 surveys to collect ALL questions not asked in the live Q&As
3 sets of insightful written answers to your questions
Wishing you a healthy, happy Holiday Season!
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 11, 2023.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2022 Melissa Orlov
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
![]() |
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
Resistance

ADHD & Marriage News - February 1, 2023

Quote of the Week
“What you resist, persists.”
-Al-Anon
Resistance
Have you ever noticed how the thing you want to most forget is the thing you can’t stop thinking about? Or how if you dread running into someone on the street and think about that you find your dread growing?
This is, in part, because of how our brains work. If you think about something that is intensely emotional for you, your brain experiences it as if you are going through that thing – making it more real for you, rather than helping you let it go. What you resist, persists.
Counselors sometimes talk about letting difficult emotions flow through you – advice that I have found very useful. Acknowledge the grief or fear that you feel – name that it is there – without resisting it and making your mind dwell on it. Think to yourself – this is something I am feeling and it makes sense that I am feeling it. As an emotion, it will eventually die down again.
Another approach is to stop engaging with the emotion and creating a plan for when the emotion shows up again that will allow you to move on. For example, if you fear running into someone you know on the street, don’t focus on that fear but, rather, on your plan to hold your head high and walk on by. Knowing how to address the event, should it happen, allows you to address or move away from the fear rather than resist it.
In a practical sense, if you resist hearing your partner’s point of view they will likely feel dissatisfied and come back at you later to try to get you to listen better. Though not always easy, it is simpler to listen and reflect the first time around, avoiding the frustration and anger that may come with your resistance.
Are you resisting in ways that make your situation worse?
NEWS and EVENTS:
➤ The March non-ADHD partner support groups will open for registration on FEBRUARY 8. These groups fill very quickly, so please go to the non-ADHD support group page to see which dates and times might work for you, then return to the site on February 8 to register.
The next groups after this set will run in the Fall of 2023, so if you want this support please don't miss your chance to register.
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins Monday, March 13, 2023.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2023 Melissa Orlov
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
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Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |