Weekly Marriage Tips

I sometimes talk with couples about the importance of the ‘relationship environment.’  In doing so, I’m advocating for a healthy set of interactions in which each partner contributes their ‘best self.’  Goodall’s quote underlines why this is so important.  What we nurture wins.

If you set up an environment that is full of lies, conflict and resentment, then that is what will grow and take over.  If you set up an environment of curiosity and openness, then you will provide the opportunity for good things to happen.

We each contribute to the relationship environment.  It’s why I encourage people to focus on what they have control over - themselves – nurturing and contributing their ‘best selves’ to the relationship…whatever that best self looks like.  Since you cannot change your partner, being and living as that best self creates the greatest impact on your relationship.

Maybe your partner won’t join in that effort and never gets there.  But at least you will know that you did your personal best, were the person you wanted to be and who lived in alignment with your values.  And, at that point, you can make a judgment about continuing in the environment you have, or moving on.

Are you contributing your best self?

NEWS and EVENTS:

STARTING JANUARY 11, 2022 - Non-ADHD Partner Support Group, RETURNING PARTICIPANT GROUP (Only for returning participants) 10:00am, A 7-week session 

STARTING JANUARY 19, 2022, LIVE ADHD EFFECT ON MARRIAGE Seminar 

ONGOING - Self-Study version of The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS JANUARY 19, 2022. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Shame is something that many adults carry around with them, hidden inside, and it may impact many of their decisions.  Non-ADHD partners often unwittingly reinforce or trigger those feelings of shame, particularly when enmeshed in the struggles around parent/child dynamics.  Since shame – the “I am bad” sense of oneself – is so difficult to feel, the most common response that I see is for the ADHD partner to retreat from the partner who triggers those feelings.  Or, alternatively, to attack that partner in an effort to get them to disconnect.  Neither leads to the kind of bond that nurtures your relationship.

It is well worth it, then, to take a long look at when feelings of shame surface and/or are triggered.  You can do this with careful observation of self and partner, as well as with a verbal cue the two of you use to alert a non-ADHD partner when they are unknowingly setting up feelings of shame.  Over time, you can both learn to move away from those interactions and change how you communicate around particularly difficult topics.

In addition, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a good mode for exploring and working through shame.  CBT helps you examine the stories you tell yourself (including “I am bad”) and build new ones that are both more accurate and more healthy.

Are the two of you being held back by under-the-surface feelings of shame?

NEWS and EVENTS:

DECEMBER 3 - 5, 20-21 - ADHD Couples Palooza starts THIS Friday December 3-5, 2021. ADHD Couples’ weekend is NOT to be MISSED, and registration is free! My airdate is December 3rd. 

DECEMBER 8, 2021 - 12 - 1:pm EST, FREE Webinar How To Engage a Resistant Partner - Couples often struggle to engage productively with each other, especially when one or both have ADHD. It's not that they don't wish to be happy together, it's just that they're wary because of chronic frustration and anger; under managed ADHD; emotional hurt; and power struggles which contribute to a build up of resentment and resistance. Melissa Orlov and Ari Tuckman talk about the basis of resistance and offer approaches for productively engaging one's partner.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Next Live Seminar starts January 19, 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Holidays, particularly if there is family around, can be a stressful time for many couples.  The stress often has to do with having more people around, and having a lot more stuff that has to get done as a result.  Here are a few simple ideas for lessening the pressure:

• Share the load with many.  If you have many people coming to dinner, make it pot luck so you don't get stuck with all the work.  If everyone is staying there, and your kitchen is too small, consider purchasing some pre-made ingredients such as Costco mashed potatoes and pies or a smoked turkey (we are doing this on our turkey day!)

• Get outside.  Make sure to recharge your batteries at some point during the day with a nice walk or outside activity.  It can help you de-stress.  Make sure younger kids get outside, too, so that they can burn off some energy.

• Don't pack in too much.  Just because your mother used to decorate the Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving doesn't mean you have to.  Look inside yourself and try to set aside things that you don't genuinely care about for a few days.

• Make sure there are plenty of non-alcoholic options available.  The party can still be fun, and things might just be less likely to get out of hand.

• Remember to laugh.  No one will remember that the potatoes got burned, but everyone will remember if they laughed and enjoyed themselves.  For perspective, there are VERY few true crises around holiday dinners that have to do with the logistics of the dinner itself.  They are almost always interpersonal.  So laughter goes a long way.

• If you have ADHD...make an extra effort to step up and check in.  If you are married to someone with ADHD, make an extra effort to coordinate rather than manage, and maintain flexibility. 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I remember feeling alone in my relationship, particularly early on.  I had expected a continuation of the high-velocity interest that had been part of our dating relationship but, instead, was being almost completely ignored…my husband was too distracted, even as he loved me.  As you know by now, we did not at that time know about his ADHD. So that loneliness truly did feel like a curse.  It made me feel sad, confused and, eventually, angry.

Then there is a completely different time to be alone – for example, when one or the other of you is on a business trip and both get to pursue whatever they wish to do.  That might be pampering oneself, working late into the night, or pulling out the photos you wanted to review but haven’t had time to tackle.

At the end of the trip, you are eager to see each other and catch up…no longer (you hope) alone.

If you feel lonely, speak up about it.  Counseling might help strengthen your bonds and remove that ‘curse.’  If you wish to have more time alone to recharge or refocus, speak up about that, as well.  It’s healthy to not always be engaged, as long as in the overall you are ‘engaged enough’ to feel satisfied and cared for.

NEWS and EVENTS:

DECEMBER 3 - 5 - First-ever ADHD Couples’ Palooza. ADHD couples have special challenges but help is on the way! Join me and register here. Free and online!

DECEMBER 8 - HOW TO ENGAGE A RESISTANT PARTNER, Improving Your ADHD-Impacted Relationship by ImpactParents. FREE WEBINAR. Attend live or get access to all recordings. Register Here. 

Registration for the ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar - starting January 19, 2022 - will open Nov. 23!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 19, 2022. 

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

It’s hard to hear someone when they tell you they are unhappy with something you’ve done…or not done. And it’s hard to hear a partner tell you that your emotions, or what you just said, hurt. Critiques are common in relationships impacted by ADHD, and they hurt.

What to do? If you just hold your thoughts in, then it eats away at the relationship and pops out as resentment or chronic anger. Yet, if you provide constant negative feedback, that deflates the positive energy the relationship might have.

It’s a balancing act, for sure! 

Here are constructive ways to provide feedback so that ‘the bad things don’t keep happening,’ as Roy notes:

• Comment on patterns, not individual incidents. That keeps the conversation at a higher level (less likely to spark defensiveness) and also keeps the number of incidents of feedback smaller. “I’ve noticed you’ve had trouble following through on things over the last 2 weeks, can we talk about this?” is more constructive than 7 different critiques about poor follow through
• Remember that you need 5 positive comments to offset every 1 negative comment – so seek the positives and speak up about them!
• Consider creating a specific time for feedback or issues you are confronting – this frees up the rest of the week to be a critique-free zone
• Talk about yourself and your feelings, rather than about something your partner has done
• Use ‘soft starts’ and make sure you have your partner’s full attention before getting into the core of what you wish to say
• If you know what you are speaking about is a sensitive topic for your partner, consider giving a pre-amble. Something like “I know what I want to talk about is a difficult topic for you, but it’s important to me and I’m hoping you’ll be able to stay open to what I have to say. I am not trying to hurt you – rather, I’m trying to express my feelings.”

These are a few ideas that can help the two of you remain honest with each other, and keep smaller or repetitive issues from becoming big ones.

Because this is such a big issue for so many couples, I also sponsor an Emotions and triggers course for one or both partners. Starting October 14th this is a good way learn how to engage with feedback.

NEWS and EVENTS:

STARTING OCTOBER 14 - Emotions and triggers course - How do you calm emotions that get quickly out of control?  How do you keep a partner engaged when triggers lead to avoidance and escape?  Don't be held hostage by emotions and triggers.

STARTING OCTOBER 20TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration OPEN! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now! 

The ADHD Effect on Marriage is Healthline’s pick for the 10 Best ADHD Books of 2021

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

‘Tantrum’ is a word that I hate to use about adult behavior, but unfortunately in the emotional dysregulation that can come with ADHD, it can sometimes be apt.  I’ve seen grown men jump up and down in one place, face red, with fists balled up.  It’s not pretty.  And it is a tantrum.

I chose this quote because it speaks to a common response to tantrums that doesn’t typically work – trying to calm someone down once the tantrum has started.  At that point, the person’s logical thinking has been hijacked, and calming them is almost impossible.  Instead, you must let the angry partner calm down and make sure everyone (including yourself) remains safe.  The calmer the other partner is, the less fuel for the tantrum ‘fire.’

A better strategy is to create a verbal cue to use before the tantrum starts that keeps emotions from escalating.  I review how to do this in my couples seminar.

I have also recently written a blog post on extreme emotions that provides interesting info on the biology of emotional dysregulation and on RSD. 

If you have wild outbursts in your relationship, I hope you review these resources.

NEWS and EVENTS:

Registration for the next live session will open up in the next week or two.  In the meantime, the self-study is available.

Registration for the January non-ADHD support groups will open up on December 8.

To all Veterans: Thank you for your service!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

RESOURCES:

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Detachment in relationships is often misunderstood.  People think it means not engaging, perhaps losing interest in a partner.  But what it really means is engaging only in constructive ways and focusing on those things that you do and should have control over. 

This can be hard in ADHD-impacted relationships.  Many non-ADHD partners spend a lot of time thinking about how they would like their partner to behave (I’ve been guilty of this) rather than thinking about whether or not it’s their role to do so.  It’s hard to separate the “what would feel good to me” from the “what is my partner’s right to decide to do.”  This is, in part, because if your partner decides not to do something (or wants to do it, but forgets) it feels as if the burden then lands in your lap.  Or that something hurtful will soon happen.

That may be so, but that doesn’t change the landscape here.  Even if the result isn’t ideal, that doesn’t change your partner’s right to choose how they will lead their own life.

The way to manage this, then, is to live more in the present moment and to constantly ask yourself…is this REALLY mine to manage?  Doing this can be humbling and feel very uncomfortable.  But it puts the burden on effort on the person who actually has that burden – the ‘do-er.’

The result might be that each partner takes more personal responsibility…since the buck actually does stop with them. It might be that the couple comes to a better understanding of the strengths and weaknesses of both partners and works that into their routines.  It might be that the couple goes to counseling to work through issues around boundaries…and there are other options.

My point is this – detachment leads to healthier relationships by placing the responsibility for a person’s actions with that person – where it belongs. 

Do you have healthy detachment in your relationship?  And if not, would trying to live in the moment help?

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session started October 20, 2021.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

There is an old saying that the opposite of love is not hate…the opposite of love is indifference.  This idea fits nicely with Freeman’s words.  Anger, resentment,  living together because you can’t think of anything better to do…these all create connections and bonds.  Yet they are not necessarily love.

I’ve been giving a good deal of thought lately to what the word ‘love’ means, and I am convinced that it includes caring for, and accommodating another person’s desires in your life…demonstrating your passion for another (I’m not talking sexual, though that’s good, too) and being genuinely eager to be with that person.  And, of course, the reverse.  Love is a choice that you BOTH make each day to be engaged, vulnerable with, and interested in your partner and your life together. 

I would be interested in hearing from you all.  What does love me to you, and how do you sustain it?

STARTING TOMORROW OCTOBER 20TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Don't Miss this Opportunity to Repair Your Marriage and Learn to Thrive! 

Get Notified of Upcoming Events Here

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

What standards to you have, overall, for the quality of your relationship?  How are you measuring its value?  I’ve seen some couples change and adapt until things feel calmer, but they still don’t have what they want.  I’ve seen people ‘convince’ themselves that having a partner who really doesn’t pay adequate attention to them is okay.  I’ve seen others ‘settle’ for something that might be ‘good enough’ but doesn’t really feel like love.  It becomes a relationship that is expedient, but often without joy.  Eventually, these sorts of adaptations may lead to a sense of emptiness and sadness.

Look – we only have one life to live.  Figure out what is unique and wonderful in your relationship, in yourself, and in your partner.  Examine your most deeply held values and expectations about what a relationship must be for you.  Then look carefully at what you have.  With help, can you get there from here?  Are there specific issues that you thought you cared about, but really don’t?  Are there others that you’ve said don’t really matter, but which still eat away at you?  Are you at risk of setting your aim too low, and achieving your mark?

NEWS and EVENTS:

STARTING WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 20TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. DON'T DELAY! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now! 

Dr. Hallowell’s Wonderful World of Different podcast just launched. Listen on Spotify. 

My Secrets to Lasting Love on the Sizzling Hot Marriage Show

Have you ever heard “I feel like I have another child”? I talk about common maladaptive dynamics between couples and how ADHD impacts relationships. All The Therapies

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

RESOURCES:

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS NEXT WEEK - October 20, 2021. 

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

When you’re struggling in your relationship it’s all too easy to focus on the problems you face, rather than celebrating the strengths in each of you and in your relationship. Yet John Gottman, one of the top marriage researchers in the country, points out that healthy relationships have about 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. Many of you are not currently meeting that ration, and I get it.

Can you look inside yourself to find a spirit of unity, hope and charity to celebrate what is good? If you’re struggling to figure out how to do that, consider keeping a gratitude journal in which you complete the sentence “I am grateful for…” at least three times a day (I used to do this before going to bed). When you see something positive, mention it. When you have a chance to say “I love you,” do it.  

We are all human and none of us always meet even our own ideals, let alone those of others. It helps when we seek grace and express it.

Are there ways you could seek out and celebrate the positives in your life and relationship?

NEWS and EVENTS:

STARTING OCTOBER 14 - Emotions and triggers course - How do you calm emotions that get quickly out of control?  How do you keep a partner engaged when triggers lead to avoidance and escape?  Don't be held hostage by emotions and triggers.

STARTING OCTOBER 20 - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration OPEN! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now! 

OCTOBER 15-18 - Telesummit just for men with ADHD - 15 experts in the field of ADHD. My presentation: Rebuilding Trust. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.