Weekly Marriage Tips

Resilience is based, in part, on believing that what you need to tackle is of a size that is ‘tackle-able.’  Adan notes that both regret and anxiety make issues bigger than they are, and that amplification may impede our ability to cope.

Fearing the future, in particular, can really keep you from making decisions that are right for you in your present moment.  If I’ve learned one thing in the last decade, it’s that the future is completely unknowable.  You might have cancer, uncover an affair, be in a car accident, have the unexpected joy of a new grandchild that inspires you to move closer to family, decide to quit your job 2 years early… there are both trials and joys in that unknowable future.

So how do you make yourself more resilient today?  By looking, clear-eyed, at what your life really is like in this very moment.  Feeling anxious about money?  Okay.  Without inflating that anxiety, what’s the true picture of your finances, and what are today’s options for today’s fears?  Burned out in your job?  How do you stay calm and evaluate whether it’s time to retire or find something else?  How do your options align with your dreams and emotions?

Are you looking, mindfully, at your life and situation today, and looking at how to get the most joy you can?  Once you strip away the amplification of the future and past, there are probably small steps you can take to make today’s life better and better.

NEWS and EVENTS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Self-study Seminar Available Now!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

A gratitude practice or an affirmations practice is a great way to improve the proportion of positives to negatives in your relationship.  (Remember, Gottman suggests you need 5 positives for every 1 negative interaction…). As things start to calm before you, why not add the positive back?

Here are some ways to do that which have worked for some of my clients.

• Every evening, commit to getting together and having each of you complete this sentence, “The most important thing you need to know about me today is…”. (you might tell of an emotion, a proud moment, something you are anxious about, etc).  Don’t problem solve for your partner, just listen and validate.
• Starting a gratitude practice about your life.  Keep a journal next to your bed and every evening write “I am grateful for…” and finish that sentence a minimum of three times.  This helps reset your general emotional mindet.
• Sharing a partnership appreciation practice.  Once a day (perhaps at dinner, perhaps at bedtime) tell your partner what you most appreciate about them that particular day.
• Creating a cuddle time.  Set your alarm a few minutes earlier, or do this in the evenings.  Hold each other for about 10 minutes in a non-sexual way.  Maybe you listen to your partner’s heartbeat, or just relax into the hug.  The only rule is that if you speak it can only be of positive things.  Otherwise, stay quiet and try to relax into being with each other.

How could you fill the gaps with positive interactions?

STARTING NEXT WEEK!

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE Seminar - Starts Sept 14th 

MEN ONLY - Non-ADHD Partner Support Group - Starts Sept 12th

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS September 14, 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

This is the speech that was given the day of my high school graduation, and I am struck that Knowles’ advice for life is very much advice that I would provide couples as they traverse their relationships.

There is much to reflect upon in his words, and I thought I would simply put them out there and suggest you spend a few moments thinking about how they might apply to you.

NEWS and EVENTS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE Seminar Starts Sept 14, 2022

Only 2 spots left! MEN ONLY - Non-ADHD Partner Support Group - seven Monday evenings: Starts Sept 12, 19, Oct 3, 10, 17, 31, November 7. 7:00PM EASTERN. Led by Melissa. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS September 14, 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I talk in my couples seminar about specific types of interactions that help support couples impacted by ADHD.  I teach how to set up a good verbal cue (one of my favorite tools!); how to use a learning conversation to discuss tricky emotional topics; what a conflict intimacy conversation can do to help build connection; how to give a meaningful apology.

Couples usually do better when they take advantage of these tools.  But they are tools – and in order to improve with them, we must practice them.  I see the results in my practice – those couples who become more comfortable with, and adept at, using these sorts of interactions not only stumble less often, but recover much more quickly if there is an issue.

I urge you to embrace the tools that can improve your relationship – and train yourselves in using them effectively so that you can, indeed, rise to meet your expectations.

REGISTRATION OPEN:

I offer several of these relationship-building tools in my Fall ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE Seminar - Starts Sept 14, 2022 Register Now!

Non-ADHD support groups (many are full). Learn more

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS September 14, 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

It’s hard living with another person, almost by definition.  And so, there are lots of things that seem, well, annoying.  In ADHD-impacted relationships, the repetitive nature of symptomatic issues…and the hurt that symptoms and responses to symptoms can create – may make living together even harder, moving from annoying to painful.

One way to address this is to focus first on addressing the things that are really, truly important to you.  Things that you absolutely, positively must have in order for you to feel you are living a life you want to live.  (To not have that would be a tragedy.). For many people the ‘must haves’ include things such as making sure you feel loved and safe, taking care of loved ones, and treating each other with respect. 

Once you’ve identified what’s really important, it’s easier to see what’s an inconvenience – perhaps that includes dishes stacked by the sink; getting somewhere on time; differences in opinion about your favorite hobbies; how much time you spend at work.

When you encounter something that is annoying, label it as such and remind yourself that it will pass.

What are your ‘absolutely, positively must haves’?  And can they help you learn what you can let go?

NEWS and EVENTS:

REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN - ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE Seminar Starts January 11, 2023 Register Now!

MARK YOUR CALENDAR - The next Non-ADHD Partner support groups will start January 2023.  Registration will open November 2. Learn More

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 11, 2023.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Are you on your cell phone in most of your free time, watching video clips or reading the news?  Is the first person you pay attention to the one who just texted you, or the person standing in the room with you?

Intimate relationships are struggling under the weight of all the many things there are in the world that tug at our attention.

And yet…life is the sum total of what we pay attention to.  Could there be any truer statement?

And so, it makes sense to think about the way you want your life to be, and the person you wish to be remembered as.  Is your attention aligned with your dreams and desires?

If you are always on your electronics, are you sure you wish to pay that much attention to cat videos, electronics tutorials, news headlines, and Facebook posts?  Or, perhaps, do you focus all of your attention on your children, in essence ignoring your partner and your relationship with your partner?

How might you better align your life with your actions?

NEWS and EVENTS:

REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN - ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE Seminar Starts in less than a month - Sept 14, 2022 Register Now!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS September 14, 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I rarely see a couple in which only one person is contributing to their problems.  In fact, as far as I can remember, I’ve NEVER encountered one! But I have most certainly run into couples in which one or both partners is convinced their issues are their partner’s fault.

This denial about one’s own contributions to your issues is what leads to divorce, not ADHD.  That’s because as long as even one of you is stuck in blame you are unable to carefully look at – and take responsibility for – those things only you can improve.  Without both of you working for change, not enough can change.

If you’re still feeling that your partner is the real problem, perhaps it would make sense to ask yourself some questions:

• Can I be angry and hurtful to my partner?
• Does resentment I may carry bubble up or explode?
• Am I consistently kind to my partner?
• If I have ADHD, have I fully examined its role in my life and the lives of those I love?
• Do I show my partner my love in ways my partner understands?

Be honest with yourself.  What might you learn?

NEWS and EVENTS:

REGISTRATION OPENS AUGUST 10TH - September 2022 Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups. Register Here Starting August 10.

REGISTRATION OPEN NOW - ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE Seminar Starts Sept 14, 2022 Register Now!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

RESOURCES

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS September 14, 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Lots of people lose themselves in their ADHD-impacted relationships.  What do I mean?  Perhaps you anticipate a volatile or negative reaction so keep from speaking up.  Perhaps you feel you are walking on eggshells.  Perhaps you feel forced to do things you don’t wish to do because of your relationship.  Perhaps you put up with verbal abuse…or verbally abuse your spouse.

That’s all losing yourself in your relationship and it’s the hallmark of an unhealthy partnership.  In order to thrive, you must feel free to be your best self.

My very practical interpretation of what Seuss notes is that we should all speak clearly about our most treasured values and those things that we absolutely, positively must have in our relationship.  (Hint – for most of us that doesn’t include a clean house, but probably does include feeling loved.)  You must speak your truth because if you don’t, how will the world (or your partner) know about it?  That’s not the same thing as complaining about everything.

And if your partner isn’t willing to respect your most important feelings then there is significant work to do – perhaps even leaving the relationship.

I’m not endorsing ‘my way or the highway’ or being a jerk to get out of the hard work that is needed to live with another person.  I’m talking about being able to be your best self and standing up for what you think will make your life sing.  So be respectful.  Be loving.  And be you.  Respectfully, constructively, and firmly, stand up for yourself.  You deserve that.

NEWS and EVENTS:

REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN - ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE Seminar Starts Sept 14, 2022 Register Now!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS September 14, 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Bad things, reinforced, get worse.  Good things, reinforced, get better.  Pretty straightforward as a concept, and yet when it comes to our relationships, we regularly forget it.

Take responsibility for your part, and respectfully reach out to your partner to solve common problems.  Don’t hide.  Don’t berate.  Don’t control.

And make sure to work on your own issues that contribute to distrust, too.  That probably includes optimizing ADHD management as well as moving away from parent/child dynamics.

Are you in a distrust doom loop?

Registration Opens TOMORROW July 1st for the Live ADHD Effects Couples Seminar starting September 14th.  Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now! My 8-session seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - The next live session STARTS SEPTEMBER 14, 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I laughed with recognition when I read this.  I cannot tell you how many times I have seen this very thing play out for couples.

Laughter aside, though, it’s a serious issue.  Because the invalidation that these responses represent lead to a huge amount of frustration.  And to the (usually female) partner feeling unseen and unheard, building to resentment about not being taken seriously.

Matthew Fray, the author of the book being reviewed above, goes on to ask these questions…’What do you think this issue looks like from your wife’s perspective?  What are some ways to be proactive with family logistics, such as meals?...how can you pitch in without being asked?  The sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this.”’

“I got this.”  Wouldn’t you men like to be able to say that?  To see the appreciation in your wife’s eyes?  Hear a ‘thanks for helping’?  One of the best ways to overcome resentment is to be there, saying “I got this.”

That can be challenging with ADHD – but one of the best reasons to optimize ADHD treatment is so that you can reliably notice and attend to your joint needs.  To nurture your connection rather than invalidate.

Next time, listen with an open heart to your partner’s complaints about being saddled with too much of the burden of responsibility in your household.  If Fray is right, you might just save yourself a divorce.

For more on optimizing treatment for adult ADHD, download my free treatment e-book from my home page.

NEWS and EVENTS:

Registration Opens July 1st for the Live ADHD Effects Couples Seminar starting September 14th.

 REGISTER NOW for the Self-Study version of The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS September 14, 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.