Weekly Marriage Tips

Here’s another way to put this idea.  Whatever you bottle up inside you festers.  You move from fear to resentment, and from resentment to outright hostility unless you address that resentment.  Or if the emotion is anxiety, you might move from mild anxiety to stronger, to outright panic.

Pain and negative emotions are best managed by allowing them to flow through you.  By acknowledging those emotions – noticing them – and also understanding that they need not be permanent.  The more you expose them to the light, the more likely you will be to be able to understand their underpinnings and respond in ways that weaken their power over you.

One way to do this is to use a therapist who understands the pressures of ADHD (I have a resource page that may be of help).  Another is to create interactions between you and your partner that help bring issues to light.  That might be a weekly ‘emotions’ meeting; it might be couples counseling; it might be doing a daily exercise in which you complete the sentence “The most important thing you need to know about me is…” while the other person simply listens and learns. (This last is a great way to speak your anxiety before it takes you hostage.)

Whatever your method, please consider how you might be able to bring negative emotions to light in a constructive way and stop being a victim to their festering inside you.

NEWS and EVENTS:

STARTING MARCH 12, 2022 - LIVE ADHD EFFECT ON MARRIAGE Seminar  REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN. If you wish to be notified of future live seminars, please put your name on our seminar notification list.  The next live seminar will begin in the Fall of 2022 

ONGOING - Self-Study version of The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS MARCH 12, 2022. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Could there be anything healthier for a relationship than thinking of every setback as an opportunity to learn?!  This sort of forward-thinking attitude is how we grow, and it has the chance to move you into new…and better…territory in your relationship.

The old zero-sum idea of win or lose just doesn’t fit when you are talking about two people who are supposed to be partners.  It also doesn’t support the sort of experimentation that couples impacted by ADHD must use to find out what works for them.  Some common opportunities to learn:

• You start taking ADHD meds for the first time and the effect is underwhelming. While that’s disappointing, you learn you need a higher dose or different medication.
• You set up a verbal cue and then your partner blows past it during an emotional moment.  You learn that the two of you need a more unusual word, or perhaps a different approach.
• You start tracking a behavior you want to change and realize you do it more than you thought.  You learn that you need to take your partner’s complaints about it more seriously, and you need a real plan to create change.
• You start an exercise routine and learn that you feel energized after about 30 minutes.  (Yep, that’s a win…couldn’t resist!)

What setbacks could you be learning from?

STARTING TOMORROW - JANUARY 19, 2022 - LIVE ADHD EFFECT ON MARRIAGE Seminar Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now! My 8-session seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 19, 2022

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

There are some things about my life, and about my partner’s behavior, that I simply will never fully comprehend.  I’m not sure he will, either.  As a person who seeks to not only understand, but share that understanding with many thousands of others, this presents a conundrum.  Do I continue to try to understand, or do I just accept?

The reality in my own situation is that the chaos created by the contradictions in my life (affairs vs. loving each other; paying attention sometimes but not others; lying vs. truthfulness; joy vs. secrets; completion vs. feelings of emptiness) is not fully distillable.  And one of the things that I have to come to terms with is that I will likely never really understand all the chaos.  Yes, ADHD and responses to ADHD play a role, for sure.  But we are none of us just about the ADHD in our relationships.  We are complex, mixed up, happy, fearful, proud, shamed, honest, dishonest.  We have histories of complex attachments and abandonments that we bring with us.  Love and failure.

I like to joke that I often make a soup that I call ‘meal of the week in review.’  A day in my life is more like ‘all of my life in review.’  What I strive for is to be able to add color and healthiness and great ‘vegetables and meat’ to that soup as I move forward.

You don’t have to understand it all to succeed.  But you do need to grab your life with gusto and LIVE IT.

STARTING NEXT WEEK - JANUARY 19, 2022 - LIVE ADHD EFFECT ON MARRIAGE Seminar   Give each other the gift of love!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 19, 2022. DON'T MISS IT!

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

One of the things that always confounded me with George was the fact that he so closely linked ideas that I had to him as a person.  Once he told me “You showed me you didn’t love me by telling me you didn’t like having so many bikes in the garage.”  Huh?!  The fact that I complained that I didn’t like not being able to get my car in the garage because it stored at least 15 bikes, 40 spare wheels and lots of other assorted stuff didn’t have anything to do with love…it had to do with stuff that he wasn’t using but had trouble getting rid of.

This may be an element of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria for some, and one insight into why partners with ADHD may be so easily triggered.

In the bicycle case, it wasn’t my actions that made him feel bad, just my opinion.  I rode bikes with him often, left my car (not his) in the driveway to accommodate his bike passion, and learned not to comment often.  (Yes, sometimes the fact that bikes he hadn’t ridden for 10 years took precedence over my comfort did bug me and I did complain…I am human after all, but…largely not.)

It may be helpful for you and your partner to have a conversation around any links there might be between ideas and people.  Because they are not the same, and being able to clarify that good people can still disagree without being bad people is an important idea. 

NEWS and EVENTS:

New Year - Renewed Romance! 

STARTING JANUARY 19, 2022 - LIVE ADHD EFFECT ON MARRIAGE Seminar 

"This course gave my husband and me the breakthrough we so desperately needed."

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 19, 2022. 

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I am not sure I need to say a ton about this quote other than to encourage you to do everything you can to remain respectful with your partner and express your feelings in a way that reflect the good person you wish to be.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS:  May the good times and treasures of the present become the golden memories of tomorrow. Wishing you lots of love, joy, and happiness.

5 Tips for Having the Happiest Holiday Ever

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS JANUARY 19, 2022. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I always admire those partners who are out trying to understand why their lives look the way they do.  And I am honored to be able to help people understand the ins and outs of The ADHD Effect on their relationships.

I feel happiest when I glimpse that ‘aha’ moment when a partner says “Wow, this explains so much!  And I need to start taking responsibility for my own part.  I finally feel hope again that I have the ability to impact what’s going on.”

Some partners are resistant to searching for understanding because it feels threatening – as if opening up to new ideas might lay all the blame for relationship ills at their feet (never true) or because it might be frightening to confront the impact of their anger or symptoms.

If you’re in that group, have faith.  There is so much now known about how to improve relationships impacted by ADHD (and responses to ADHD) that chances are good that if you open your eyes you will end up ahead of where you are.

If you are resistant to the idea that ADHD has an impact, what is that resistance based upon?

NEWS and EVENTS:

STARTING JANUARY 11, 2022 - Non-ADHD Partner Support Group, RETURNING PARTICIPANT GROUP 10:00am, A 7-week session 

STARTING JANUARY 19, 2022 - LIVE ADHD EFFECT ON MARRIAGE Seminar 

ONGOING - Self-Study version of The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 19, 2022. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I sometimes talk with couples about the importance of the ‘relationship environment.’  In doing so, I’m advocating for a healthy set of interactions in which each partner contributes their ‘best self.’  Goodall’s quote underlines why this is so important.  What we nurture wins.

If you set up an environment that is full of lies, conflict and resentment, then that is what will grow and take over.  If you set up an environment of curiosity and openness, then you will provide the opportunity for good things to happen.

We each contribute to the relationship environment.  It’s why I encourage people to focus on what they have control over - themselves – nurturing and contributing their ‘best selves’ to the relationship…whatever that best self looks like.  Since you cannot change your partner, being and living as that best self creates the greatest impact on your relationship.

Maybe your partner won’t join in that effort and never gets there.  But at least you will know that you did your personal best, were the person you wanted to be and who lived in alignment with your values.  And, at that point, you can make a judgment about continuing in the environment you have, or moving on.

Are you contributing your best self?

NEWS and EVENTS:

STARTING JANUARY 11, 2022 - Non-ADHD Partner Support Group, RETURNING PARTICIPANT GROUP (Only for returning participants) 10:00am, A 7-week session 

STARTING JANUARY 19, 2022, LIVE ADHD EFFECT ON MARRIAGE Seminar 

ONGOING - Self-Study version of The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS JANUARY 19, 2022. Registration is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Shame is something that many adults carry around with them, hidden inside, and it may impact many of their decisions.  Non-ADHD partners often unwittingly reinforce or trigger those feelings of shame, particularly when enmeshed in the struggles around parent/child dynamics.  Since shame – the “I am bad” sense of oneself – is so difficult to feel, the most common response that I see is for the ADHD partner to retreat from the partner who triggers those feelings.  Or, alternatively, to attack that partner in an effort to get them to disconnect.  Neither leads to the kind of bond that nurtures your relationship.

It is well worth it, then, to take a long look at when feelings of shame surface and/or are triggered.  You can do this with careful observation of self and partner, as well as with a verbal cue the two of you use to alert a non-ADHD partner when they are unknowingly setting up feelings of shame.  Over time, you can both learn to move away from those interactions and change how you communicate around particularly difficult topics.

In addition, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a good mode for exploring and working through shame.  CBT helps you examine the stories you tell yourself (including “I am bad”) and build new ones that are both more accurate and more healthy.

Are the two of you being held back by under-the-surface feelings of shame?

NEWS and EVENTS:

DECEMBER 3 - 5, 20-21 - ADHD Couples Palooza starts THIS Friday December 3-5, 2021. ADHD Couples’ weekend is NOT to be MISSED, and registration is free! My airdate is December 3rd. 

DECEMBER 8, 2021 - 12 - 1:pm EST, FREE Webinar How To Engage a Resistant Partner - Couples often struggle to engage productively with each other, especially when one or both have ADHD. It's not that they don't wish to be happy together, it's just that they're wary because of chronic frustration and anger; under managed ADHD; emotional hurt; and power struggles which contribute to a build up of resentment and resistance. Melissa Orlov and Ari Tuckman talk about the basis of resistance and offer approaches for productively engaging one's partner.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Next Live Seminar starts January 19, 2022.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Holidays, particularly if there is family around, can be a stressful time for many couples.  The stress often has to do with having more people around, and having a lot more stuff that has to get done as a result.  Here are a few simple ideas for lessening the pressure:

• Share the load with many.  If you have many people coming to dinner, make it pot luck so you don't get stuck with all the work.  If everyone is staying there, and your kitchen is too small, consider purchasing some pre-made ingredients such as Costco mashed potatoes and pies or a smoked turkey (we are doing this on our turkey day!)

• Get outside.  Make sure to recharge your batteries at some point during the day with a nice walk or outside activity.  It can help you de-stress.  Make sure younger kids get outside, too, so that they can burn off some energy.

• Don't pack in too much.  Just because your mother used to decorate the Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving doesn't mean you have to.  Look inside yourself and try to set aside things that you don't genuinely care about for a few days.

• Make sure there are plenty of non-alcoholic options available.  The party can still be fun, and things might just be less likely to get out of hand.

• Remember to laugh.  No one will remember that the potatoes got burned, but everyone will remember if they laughed and enjoyed themselves.  For perspective, there are VERY few true crises around holiday dinners that have to do with the logistics of the dinner itself.  They are almost always interpersonal.  So laughter goes a long way.

• If you have ADHD...make an extra effort to step up and check in.  If you are married to someone with ADHD, make an extra effort to coordinate rather than manage, and maintain flexibility. 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I remember feeling alone in my relationship, particularly early on.  I had expected a continuation of the high-velocity interest that had been part of our dating relationship but, instead, was being almost completely ignored…my husband was too distracted, even as he loved me.  As you know by now, we did not at that time know about his ADHD. So that loneliness truly did feel like a curse.  It made me feel sad, confused and, eventually, angry.

Then there is a completely different time to be alone – for example, when one or the other of you is on a business trip and both get to pursue whatever they wish to do.  That might be pampering oneself, working late into the night, or pulling out the photos you wanted to review but haven’t had time to tackle.

At the end of the trip, you are eager to see each other and catch up…no longer (you hope) alone.

If you feel lonely, speak up about it.  Counseling might help strengthen your bonds and remove that ‘curse.’  If you wish to have more time alone to recharge or refocus, speak up about that, as well.  It’s healthy to not always be engaged, as long as in the overall you are ‘engaged enough’ to feel satisfied and cared for.

NEWS and EVENTS:

DECEMBER 3 - 5 - First-ever ADHD Couples’ Palooza. ADHD couples have special challenges but help is on the way! Join me and register here. Free and online!

DECEMBER 8 - HOW TO ENGAGE A RESISTANT PARTNER, Improving Your ADHD-Impacted Relationship by ImpactParents. FREE WEBINAR. Attend live or get access to all recordings. Register Here. 

Registration for the ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar - starting January 19, 2022 - will open Nov. 23!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 19, 2022. 

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.