Weekly Marriage Tips

Okay, this concept is a biggie when it comes to ADHD-impacted relationships!

How many times have you said “I’ll try to stop (fill in the blank – yelling/being late/criticizing etc)?”  You try and it works for a bit, but then comes back.  The idea that our brains require us to replace a bad habit with a better one is critical to creating change that works.

This is one reason why the behavioral strategies for ADHD are so helpful.  Rather than just ‘trying harder’ to be on time, a tardy person might set alarms and reminders to enable a different approach.  Focusing on creating a habit of alarms is proactive, as well as effective.  A partner who is wishing to be less critical, must practice being more positive (i.e. the thing that replaces the negativity) to be able to employ it more easily.  Verbal cues for do-overs, gratitude and appreciation practices, and thinking about what one wishes to say ahead of time are all replacement strategies shown to help.

And, as Stosny points out, the benefit is both that you are working with your brain, and that you increase the likelihood that your partner will respond positively to you.

Where in your life might Stosny’s information about how the brain cannot do negatives help?

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤ REGISTER NOW for the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 9 session Seminar  - Tuesdays and 2 Mondays, 7:30pm EASTERN time.

MONDAY, March 13:  Session 1: Optimizing ADHD treatment; Understanding the differences between you
TUESDAY, March 21: Session 2: Interpreting ADHD symptoms; Symptom/response/response cycles & how to interrupt them; Defensiveness & anger intro 
Tues, March 28:        *Break (No live lesson) – Please put in your calendars for catch up work
Tues, April 4:             Session 3: Getting out of parent/child dynamics; The healing process; Setting boundaries
Tues, April 11:           Session 4: NEW SESSION IN 2023!  Dealing with strong emotions in ADHD-impacted relationships
Tues, April 18:           Session 5: Communication strategies that work
Tues, April 25:           Session 6: Getting away from fights and chore wars; Bonus video: Getting organized with ADHD–the emotional issues plus what works 
Tues, May 2:              Session 7: Difficult to understand behaviors:  The skinny on lying, affairs, pornography, and more
MONDAY, May 8:        Session 8: Rebuilding trust; the science of finding joy in your ADHD-impacted relationship
TUESDAY, May 16:     Session 9: Conflict intimacy; sex and desire; setting personal boundaries; next steps

- For a more detailed curriculum, go to this page.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS March 13, 2023.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (few openings) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (Spring 2023 Group - April 19, 2023 - June 7, 2023 - Registration open now!) - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

In this speech Goldberg got me thinking about what makes a good man.  We are all flawed to some degree, so putting someone on a pedestal here doesn’t really help.  But here are some of the qualities I believe good people (men and women) possess.  Note that this is a personal list, and I will soon ask you to consider your own:

• Honest
• Loving, caring, kind, and thoughtful.  Willing to do the work needed to balance their own needs and desires with those of others around them, including their partner
• Accepts responsibility when it is theirs and takes action to try to address issues
• Interested in engaging, or at least willing to engage when asked
• Has a sense of purpose
• Reaches out to connect with others and make a positive difference in the world

Now it’s your turn.  How would you describe a good person?

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤ REGISTER NOW for the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 9 session Seminar - Spring (March) 2023 Live Seminar
     Begins Monday, March 13, 2023 / Live lessons are on Tuesdays (& 2 Mondays) 7:30pm ET.      This is MY premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

Non-ADHD Support groups - Registration opened today Feb 8th. These fill up quickly

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS March 13, 2023.

Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration open now) ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (Spring, April 2023 Group: April 19, 2023 - June 7, 2023)

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

I have spent quite a bit of time over the last year and a half contemplating the idea that the future is unknowable.  I thought I knew where my life was going, with a really great bucket list and a partner I loved who seemed eager to share the journey.  With effort many of you are familiar with, I thought I had been putting together my life as I wanted it, only to learn that none of us really know where life is going to take us, myself included.  In relationships, in particular, we are only one half of the ‘putting together’ and that means we have less control than we might like to think.

As I start fresh as a now-divorced woman, I might find the idea that we don’t really control our lives depressing, but instead I find Patchett’s words oddly reassuring.  She writes of coming to know one’s life in a way that makes me think of an unending opportunity to learn.  To figure out oneself as she figures out her characters.  To grow, and blossom as you go along.  To become stronger and more fulfilled.  She is not upset that she has ‘no idea’ what she is doing, only notes that many things are not knowable but can become familiar through experience.

Rather than being scary, I find the idea that ‘the future is unknowable’ is a call for acceptance – to let go of trying to control things, people’s experiences, and my own life’s specific direction in a ‘planning’ kind of way.  Instead, I’m learning to accept all the present day has to offer, be less anxious about the future, trust others to contribute what they wish to (rather than what I ask of them), and to make each of my days as interesting, connected, and positive as possible. 

If you accepted the idea that the future is unknowable and relaxed a bit more into today, what would happen?  It’s a thorny question for many people struggling in ADHD-impacted relationships. The ups and downs of life together naturally produce anxiety and a desire to either control or escape, neither of which helps your relationship.  Still, it’s a question worth asking.

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤ The March non-ADHD partner support groups will open for registration on FEBRUARY 8. These groups fill very quickly, so please go to the non-ADHD support group page to see which dates and times might work for you, then return to the site on February 8 to register.

The next groups after this set will run in the Fall of 2023, so if you want this support please don't miss your chance to register.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS Monday, March 13, 2023 - registration now open.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration opens Feb 8) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

Marsh gave a lecture this summer (’22) on the topic of what it takes to be a hero and was interested to hear that heros share qualities of humility and honesty, and put great value on others.  The person who runs to the burning car to pull out the crash victim is thinking first and foremost about that other person.

The question of the lecture was “how can the average person become more courageous?” and here is what Marsh says her research suggests:

• Don’t try to eliminate fear.  By engaging with fear you make it dominant.  Instead, acknowledge the legitimacy of fear and move past it as you can.
• Develop a habit of pushing yourself to try things that you are nervous about (without being reckless)
• Seek to develop humility and turn your focus outside of yourself
• Practice gratitude to stay in touch with the world outside of you
• Seek out experiences that instill feelings of being one of a larger world – again, this brings you outside of yourself and into a state of greater humility
• Contemplate the acts of heroes around us

There are all sorts of reasons we might wish to develop courage – courage to keep on the path we’re on; courage to step off it; and everything in between.  I hope Marsh’s thoughts give you some opportunity for reflection about your own life.

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤ REGISTER NOW THERE'S STILL TIME TO JOIN MY ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 9 session Zoom Seminar - ONLY ONE SESSION HAS HAPPENED AND IT'S RECORDED - This is MY premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

ADHD Couples Palooza - January 20-22, 2023. Registration is free! My airdate is Friday, January 20TH, "Dealing with Emotional Volatility in ADHD-Impacted Relationships"

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP.  ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

You and your partner are different, and it makes sense that you would get on each other nerves after years of living together.  Really get on each other’s nerves, at least some of the time!

Real calls this the ‘disillusionment phase’ of marriage.  Sound familiar?  The question is, what do you do with it?  Couples who are able to be kind and honest about their difficult feelings are more likely to be able to build the intimacy that gets them through these dark times. 

In my couples seminar I teach what’s called ‘conflict intimacy’ (session 9). The idea behind this form of communication is that each partner agrees to be neither aggressive nor defensive when they talk with each other, and to respect that no matter how much they disagree with what the other partner has to say, they have a right to hold that idea.  This form of communication takes practice (like any other skill) but couples who are able to master this conversational skill find their relationships deepened in spite of their differences.

When you speak with your partner, would you describe yourself as neither aggressive nor defensive?

STARTING IN ONE WEEK:

➤ Begins January 11, 2023 - the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 8 - NOW 9 session - Seminar - NEW SESSION IN 2023 - Dealing with strong emotions in ADHD-impacted relationships. 

This is MY premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. Register and learn more.

For a detailed curriculum, go to this page.
- Recordings will be accessible after each live lesson in case you miss any.
- NOTE: If you're not available for most of these live lessons, you can register today for the self-study seminar option: access the material now and start at your own pace!

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 11, 2023.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD

Downloadable chapters of my books

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues

A large number of blog posts on various topics

Referrals

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

One of the very difficult dynamics in relationships impacted by ADHD are those around emotional dysregulation in both partners.  If you fear how your partner will respond, then you start revising how you approach that partner – distorting your ability to express your feelings and needs.  After years of this, you may feel as if you have lost yourself in your relationship when, really, what you may be is co-dependent.  You’ve put someone else’s responses ahead of your own needs.

I’m talking about a chronic condition, not about daily gifts of caring you might give to your partner.  Co-dependency is about avoidance of asserting your needs to appease another or avoid conflict, and about supporting behaviors (such as alcoholism, addictions or physical abuse).  Giving the gift of love is about getting your needs met AND being able to do special (healthy) things for your partner because you care.

If you wish to explore co-dependency more, try Melody Beatty’s The New Co-Dependency or try reading a good book on creating better boundaries, such as Boundary Boss by Teri Cole (one of my favorite books for couples impacted by ADHD.)

NEWS and EVENTS:

Speaking of giving the gift of love, consider enrolling in my Live Seminar! Now, 9 sessions!

➤ REGISTER NOW for the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE  8   9 session Seminar - Begins January 11, 2023. This is MY premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

9 regular sessions of a live lecture and Q&A

Access to recordings of the live lectures and Q&A

2 BONUS pre-recorded video lessons: Medications overview; Better organization with ADHD

Optional homework and readings*

3 surveys to collect ALL questions not asked in the live Q&As

3 sets of insightful written answers to your questions

Wishing you a healthy, happy Holiday Season!

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 11, 2023.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

Have you ever noticed how the thing you want to most forget is the thing you can’t stop thinking about?  Or how if you dread running into someone on the street and think about that you find your dread growing?

This is, in part, because of how our brains work.  If you think about something that is intensely emotional for you, your brain experiences it as if you are going through that thing – making it more real for you, rather than helping you let it go.  What you resist, persists.

Counselors sometimes talk about letting difficult emotions flow through you – advice that I have found very useful.  Acknowledge the grief or fear that you feel – name that it is there – without resisting it and making your mind dwell on it.  Think to yourself – this is something I am feeling and it makes sense that I am feeling it.  As an emotion, it will eventually die down again.

Another approach is to stop engaging with the emotion and creating a plan for when the emotion shows up again that will allow you to move on.  For example, if you fear running into someone you know on the street, don’t focus on that fear but, rather, on your plan to hold your head high and walk on by.  Knowing how to address the event, should it happen, allows you to address or move away from the fear rather than resist it.

In a practical sense, if you resist hearing your partner’s point of view they will likely feel dissatisfied and come back at you later to try to get you to listen better.  Though not always easy, it is simpler to listen and reflect the first time around, avoiding the frustration and anger that may come with your resistance.

Are you resisting in ways that make your situation worse?

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤ The March non-ADHD partner support groups will open for registration on FEBRUARY 8. These groups fill very quickly, so please go to the non-ADHD support group page to see which dates and times might work for you, then return to the site on February 8 to register.

The next groups after this set will run in the Fall of 2023, so if you want this support please don't miss your chance to register.

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins Monday, March 13, 2023.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

What Beatty is talking about here is creating good personal boundaries.  Knowing what your values are, and acting in accordance with those values.  If you must have respect in your relationship, for example, then it’s not ‘okay’ to be disrespectful to your partner.  Further, you would not wish to be treated disrespectfully and might choose to refuse to interact with a disrespectful person, instead.

Parenting and child-like behaviors in the parent-child dynamic are great examples of disordered boundaries.  Non-ADHD partners typically ‘give too much’ rather than ‘learn when not to give.’  ADHD partners in child roles ‘take advantage’ of their partner’s skillset rather than take responsibility for finding an ADHD-friendly way to engage responsibly.  Parent-child dynamics hurts both partners as it engenders resentment and hurt, and diminishes you both.

The issue is hard to overcome, but must be addressed to have a healthy relationship.  That means:

• Recognizing your part in the dynamic and vowing to take responsibility for not giving or taking too much
• Seeking each partner’s strengths and finding ways to utilize them in partnership
• Optimizing treatment for ADHD
• For many non-ADHD partners, letting go of having most things (but not all) just as you imagine they should be – creating space for a new, ADHD-informed approach, too

Are you giving too much, or taking too much? If so, there are two books I can recommend for creating healthier boundaries - Boundary Boss (general) and Codependent No More (a greater focus on addiction and alcohol). Both are written with women in mind, but provide useful information for both genders. 

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤ REGISTER NOW for the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 8 session Seminar - Starts in ONE MONTH - January 11, 2023 - Wednesdays* @ 8:00pm Eastern Time (*exception: Session 4 is a Tuesday). This is MY premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 11, 2023.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (Registration open for Jan-Mar 2023 Group) - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

I heard these two quotes in a podcast and thought they provide excellent food for thought.

“You can only follow one or two things at a time.  We think we can do six or seven.  But our brain is actually switching back and forth really, really rapidly.  When we do this, we perform our tasks much less competently.  It looks like a small effect, but when I looked at the evidence, I was amazed at how big an effect it is.  If you are interrupted, it takes you on average 23 minutes to get back to the level of focus you had before you were interrupted.  But most of us never get 23 minutes, so we are constantly working at this diminished level.  If you get text messages, it diminishes your brain power for the main thing you are trying to focus on by 30%.  That’s a staggering amount of brain power and attention that most of us are hemorrhaging most of the time… Tech is designed to hack our attention.  It arrived at a moment when our attentional immune systems were already compromised.  We now live in an attentionally pathogenic culture …”

And

“We sleep 20% less than we did 100 years ago.  You can appear to be awake and functioning but whole parts of your brain are asleep.  Being half asleep turns out to not be a metaphor….”

-Johann Hari, “Stolen Focus”

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤ REGISTER NOW for the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 8 session Seminar - Begins January 11, 2023- @ 8:00pm Eastern Time.  This is MY premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

Build Habits that Last - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar with Melissa Orlov. January 25, 2023 - March 15, 2023 (Wednesday evenings) - Registration now open!

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 11, 2023.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (Register now for the January - March 2023 Group) - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

I spend a lot of time thinking about relationships…too much time, according to the (excellent) therapist with whom I’m currently working.  Because sometimes the only way to get through pain is simply to FEEL, not think.

Moving through the emotions associated with relationship trauma is a messy process – pain, sadness, grief, regret, more pain…mixed with conviction, surprise, gratitude, joy…up and down and, sometimes, completely surprising.  It’s a roller coaster of extremes, but well worth riding.  I’ve found that if I experience these emotions in my body rather than just think about them, they can provide me with directions – ‘go here’ and ‘don’t keep doing that.’  ‘Find a new way to engage because the old one is too painful,’ etc etc.

Understanding one’s life (and ADHD’s role) is immensely important.  But just thinking and trying to understand doesn’t move you far enough.  Experience is the best teacher.  Put another way, a good cry can be cathartic…and leave you feeling empty.  And then the question becomes, what do you want to fill that emptiness with?  What feels right?  It’s a great question to ask.

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤ REGISTER NOW for the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 8 session Seminar - Begins January 11, 2023. This is MY premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 11, 2023.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Registration now open. Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.