Weekly Marriage Tips

I love it when people come to me with ideas about what I write and say!  Not only does it provide me an opportunity to improve what I offer others, but it also helps me see things in a new way.

Recently a seminar participant wrote me to suggest that saying one of my key suggestions could be improved.  He argued that ‘trying’ is not the same thing as ‘doing’ and that for those with ADHD this distinction is particularly important.  It’s easy to confuse ‘thinking’ with ‘doing’ when you have ADHD, particularly if you have symptoms that interfere with follow through.

I completely agree.  Good intentions, which could be other words for ‘trying,’ just aren’t as compelling as changed habits of ‘doing.’

This is why I encourage couples to set SMART goals that can be measured objectively and are bound by time.  You can measure “I’m going to do the dinner dishes 5 times this week” and determine concretely if you met your goal or not.  You cannot measure “I’m going to try harder to do the dishes.”

And for non-ADHD partners, in particular, it’s the doing that is where the relief is.

With all that in mind, I’m thinking of updating my saying to more accurately reflect what I meant…which really was about creating change.  What do you think?

Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS start back at the end of February.   More information is here.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

When we struggle it’s easy to focus on all that is wrong.  All that we don’t have.  All the stressors.  How unfair it is that our bodies aren’t as perfect as we had hoped.  That life is harder than we dreamed.

Those living with ADHD, or living with a partner with ADHD, know what it’s like to have a long-term challenge that needs to be managed, just as Fox has with his Parkinson’s.

Fox has had many years to learn how to manage his Parkinson’s – probably more than you’ve had to learn how to manage ADHD.  And Parkinson’s is degenerative, while ADHD is not.  But there are many parallels, and that’s why I was so struck by Fox’s focus on gratitude.

Gratitude is like a deeply dug well of positives from which we can draw the energy to persevere.  It is the understanding that it’s not about perfection, but about mindfully paying attention to the beauty found around us and within us.  It’s about having an argument with a partner, then being able to sit quietly and be grateful that you have 2 wonderful kids; that beauty is as close as your local woods; that your home is warm and cozy; that you had the energy to accomplish 3 of the 5 things you had hoped that day.  

Gratitude is about perspective.  And with perspective, there is room to nurture optimism.

I urge you to take a little bit of time every day to be grateful for the good in your life.  Write down what you are grateful for in a journal by your bed, or in your daily paper calendar.  You will be amazed by the shift this practice creates in your life.

If you have ADHD and you want your partner to get some insights into your brain, this is the episode you want to share!

Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with me to support you during the COVID-19 crisis.  More information is here.

Thurs, Feb 11 - 1:00 - 2:30pm EASTERN
BREAK
Thurs, Feb 25 - 1:00 - 2:30pm EASTERN
Tues, Mar 2 - 7:00 - 8:30pm EASTERN

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

In my couples’ seminar I teach several types of structured conversations that couples can use to slow down their communication and really hear each other.  One of them is called a ‘learning conversation,’ the point of which is to ensure that what is being said is clearly heard.  As part of that, I ask the listener to recap what they heard the speaker say in the words that were spoken, plus say what they heard between the lines.

Much of communication happens between the lines – the assumptions we make, and the filters we hear our partner’s ideas through.  So, verbalizing the ‘between the lines’ assumptions can really help couples understand why they are miscommunicating.

But another aspect of why this conversational style is so interesting is that it forces you to stop listening in order to formulate a response.  Your only job as listener in a learning conversation is to accurately hear what the speaker is trying to tell you.

It’s harder to do than you might think!  Most of us listen as Covey suggests – so we can reply.

Try this experiment with your partner:

1. One person, as speaker, says 4-5 sentences about an emotional idea that is important to them
2. The other partner, the listener, recaps in his/her own words what they heard in words, plus what they heard between the lines
3. The speaker determines – is that what I was trying to say?  If so, great!  If not, what did the listener miss?
4. Go back and forth until the communication of the speaker is clearly understood…then change roles.

Listening in order to hear is an important skill that can be practiced and honed.

Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with me to support you during the COVID-19 crisis.  More information is here.

Mon, Feb 1 - 5:00 - 6:30pm EASTERN
Tues, Feb 2 - 3:30 - 4:30pm EASTERN
Thurs, Feb 11 - 1:00 - 2:30pm EASTERN
BREAK
Thurs, Feb 25 - 1:00 - 2:30pm EASTERN
Tues, Mar 2 - 7:00 - 8:30pm EASTERN

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Perhaps it’s our exhaustion, but I don’t know very many people who have created resolutions for 2021. Or maybe it is that the world seems so out of our control these days.  Which got me thinking (of course!)  What DO I have control over, and how can I make just a little shift in my world for the better?

So, I thought I would share some ideas that you might be able to use, too.

365 days of “I love you” – This is, actually, our resolution for 2021.  It’s both serious, and very silly.  Which makes it a great resolution for this particular time.  We’re having fun with it, too.  This morning George piped up “I love you!” and then laughed and added “You snooze, you lose!”  He beat me to it on day 5 and it was a lovely, funny, affectionate way to start the day.

A place/way to re-energize – If there is one thing we all really, really need this year, it’s resilience and a way to re-energize.  How to get that?  Here are some ideas:

• Create the perfect, inviting place to sleep.  This is ours – we’ve added a Tallalay latex topper to our bed so we can’t wait to get into bed. (If you do this one, make sure to get a Tallalay topper, as Dunlop latex smells like the inside of a truck tire!)

• Develop a ‘takes-me-away’ exercise routine.  George does this, riding his bike about 5 days a week.  It resets his mood, tires him out so he sleeps better, and makes him stronger.  I’ve known a lot of people who chose to run regularly.

• Deep breathing/meditation/yoga routine – some couples do this together first thing in the morning to energize their day

• Mindful gratitude routine – learning to appreciate what you do have can keep you feeling and acting in more positive ways all day long

Separate the person from the opinions/behaviors – Your partner will do some things you don’t like.  You can either decide you don’t like your partner, or you don’t like your partner’s behaviors.  The former leaves you (and your relationship) little room for recovery or growth.  The latter allows you (and your partner) to focus on changing the behavior while appreciating the person.  This is where all relationships grow, advance, and thrive.  Within this distinction between person and behaviors there is room for insight, grace, appreciation and forgiveness.  And, perhaps most important of all, when you don’t like the behaviors, but appreciate the person, the two of you can be on the same team – in the struggle together.

2021 is going to be another tough year. But there are some things, very close to home, where we still have some influence.  Do you have the energy to make a simple pledge to get your year going?

Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with me to support you during the COVID-19 crisis.  More information is here.

Tues, Jan 26 - 6:00 - 7:30pm EASTERN
Wed, Jan 27 - 11:30am - 12:30pm EASTERN
Mon, Feb 1 - 5:00 - 6:30pm EASTERN
Tues, Feb 2 - 3:30 - 4:30pm EASTERN
Thurs, Feb 11 - 1:00 - 2:30pm EASTERN

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

It’s easy to guess where perfectionism comes for those with ADHD.  If you have trouble staying organized or sorting through information, it would only be logical to want to get everything right to get started.  This would seem to lessen your chances for failure.

If details often escape your attention, or you’re conscious that others do work more easily than you, it would be logical to want to make sure everything is ‘just right’ before you turn it in.  This would seem to lessen the chances you’ll be criticized.

The problem with this logic is that the outcome that this effort is aimed for – making sure you or your work is acceptable – becomes harder to attain because perfectionism takes so much time and effort.   It’s exhausting – not leaving brain space for other important work or family activities.  And missing a deadline in seeking perfection is still missing the deadline.

Further, perfect is almost impossible to attain – for ANYONE.  If you feel it’s your job to be perfect in order to pass muster, you are constantly going to be frustrated and feel ashamed that you can’t be.  Wouldn’t it be far better to strive for ‘good enough’ and then move on?

Okay, I know perfectionism is insidious and not easy to deal with.  But I put this out as food for thought.  If you have a perfectionist in your family, consider having some overt conversations about your joint priorities – ‘perfect’ might not be as important as ‘together time.’  And seek to reinforce those instances of ‘good enough’ as being wonderful (dare I say ‘perfect’???!)

In our household, the definition of ‘perfect’ is, actually, ‘good enough.’  The balance this creates in our lives because we don’t waste time getting everything ‘just right’  is what we seek.  For both of us.  Could you have that, too?

THERE IS TIME. YOU CAN STILL REGISTER FOR MY COUPLES SEMINAR. My live seminar started yesterday, January 13th. Yet should you chose to listen together to yesterday's recording and jump in on the second live session January 20th - you will have ample opportunity to improve your lives together. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. My live session started, yet still accepting registrations.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Isn’t it fun to anticipate doing something fun?  As you think about how great it’s going to be, don’t you become more eager for it to happen?  Isn’t that eagerness a motivator?

This is what Ramsey is talking about when he’s talking about tricking your brain to do things.  The long slog of planning a complicated trip can be managed better if you envision what it’s going to feel like to actually be on that trip once the planning is over.  The trepidation you feel at having a delicate conversation with your partner can be steadied when you envision what it will feel like to be through the conversation after your partner has listened to you and you are no longer be in such a dark place.

Doing a task you don’t love can be made easier by both gamifying it and thinking about the appreciation your partner will show you.

Of course, this latter suggests one element of using your brain to think about reward - that there is a reward coming.  This is one of the reasons why each partner’s responses to the other are so important.  The ADHD brain is reward-focused.  It tends towards those things that feel good.

Bottom line – one way for ADHD partners to motivate is to remind themselves and visualize the reward to come.  Non-ADHD partners can help the process along by creating rewards for tasks well done.

Don’t be shy with your ‘thank yous’!

REGISTRATION FOR THE JANUARY, 2021 COUPLES SEMINAR IS NOW OPEN. Let's put 2020 behind us and enter 2021 excited. Many couples who had lost hope have gained the specific skills needed to improve their lives together. The first session starts January 13, 8pm EST.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts January 13, 2021.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Are you a people pleaser?  When your partner asks you to do something, do you say ‘yes’ and pretend to agree even if you would prefer to say no?  Even if by saying yes you feel resentful?

If so, that’s probably not in your best interests.  Yes, it feels better in the moment because you avoid a confrontation.  But on the other hand, the other end of that habit of agreeing too much could be chronic resentment that your partner was too demanding.  It could be you start to imagine your partner is ‘making’ you do something you didn’t want to, even though you are complicit by agreeing when you don’t want to.  Or perhaps  you don’t end up actually following through, since you weren’t really invested, and then are faced with your partner’s anger or resentment about your lack of action.

Perhaps not following through happens a lot in your relationship.  And you lose your partner’s trust.  That’s really hard to repair, and it feels awful.  If your partner doesn’t trust you s/he is much more likely to monitor what you’re doing, making you feel small and disrespected.

Phew!  That a lot of bad stuff that happens when you say ‘yes’ when you don’t really mean it.

I bring the consequences of agreeing when you don’t actually agree forward because they need to be seen.  While it feels good to say ‘yes’ if you want to avoid conflict…it’s not good for your relationship.

What would be better?  Respectfully expressing your own opinion, and having both partners develop the skill set necessary to negotiate the differences of their opinions without rancor.  It would take practice, but you could do it!

Are you saying ‘yes’ too often instead of ‘let’s talk’?

STARTING THIS WEDNESDAY JANUARY 13, 2021 - REGISTRATION OPEN FOR COUPLES SEMINAR.  Many couples who had lost hope have gained the specific skills needed to improve their lives together.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts JANUARY 13, 2021.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Mental health professionals like myself have been working overtime during the COVID pandemic.  SO many couples are struggling right now!  And many, thinking they just can’t stand it anymore, are considering divorce.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t get divorced.  Just perhaps not right now.   As Pearson suggests, it’s not a great time to make those sorts of far-reaching decisions, (unless the circumstances are extreme, such as physical abuse.)  Some of the stressors that are making us feel really bad right now include:

- Lack of our normal routines that create structure and joy

- Way too much together time – every flaw gets magnified

- Children who are struggling with mental health issues related to their own social situations and schooling

- Significantly more financial strain for many

- Being kept apart from other family members who may sustain us

- Fear – of COVID, of political machinations, health and more

This situation, with these compounding factors, is temporary.  Someday, most of us who haven’t been impacted by the death of an immediate family member will have a more ‘normal’ life back.  That will be a better time to make a decision about your relationship.  And in the meantime, consider getting professional help or joining a support group if you need it to get through this horrible time.  Be creative about how to stay connected to others and have some ‘me’ time, too.

Head and heart working together really is the best way to make decisions about your life and family.

7 session Non-ADHD Support Groups - registration is now open for January groups. Get support during these difficult times, build bonds with others who share your concerns, and learn new ways to live better in your ADHD-impacted relationship. Don't Delay - These groups fill quickly.

LIVE Couples' seminar - Registration is open. The first session begins January 13, 2021.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts January 2020.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

It’s easy to confuse intentions with actions, particularly when either of you is still learning about an important aspect of your relationship.  You might intend to not critique, but still be doing it.  You might intend to finish a project, but it remains unfinished.

Intentions are an important first step to making progress, for if you don’t intend to do something then you won’t purposefully be able to ‘do’ or create change.  But intentions are only the first step.  The rubber hits the road when you DO rather than just THINK or PLAN.

Imagine your partner says “I didn’t intend to get angry” or “I intended to stop work at 6.” Remember to acknowledge and commend the intention because that’s still that useful first step.  “I know you didn’t mean to get angry at me and appreciate that.”  But more needs to be said to help change intention to action.  “Though you didn’t intend to get mad, my experience was still that you were mad at me.  So nothing has changed in my experience, despite your intentions.  I’m asking you to take it a step further and do whatever it takes to change intent into actions.”

This is particularly tricky if there are things you, yourself, are doing where intention and action don’t match up.  Make sure to hold yourself to the same standards when it comes to taking action on your intentions.

Where could you do a better job of taking those important intentions and acting on them more consistently?

LIVE Couples' seminar - Registration is open. The first session begins January 13, 2021.

Non-ADHD support groups - Registration will open for Jan and Feb groups on Dec. 15. Mark your calendar - they sell out quickly.

Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with Melissa to support you during the COVID-19 crisis.
Tues, Dec 15, 7-8:30pm EASTERN time

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session starts January 2021.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I regularly am asked “why did my ADHD partner get so upset when I started to talk about what s/he hadn’t done yet?  It’s the truth…!”  Perhaps so, but that ‘truth’ lands like a criticism or, as Thomas notes ‘…a form of violence.’  This is because your partner has ADHD and a long emotional history with similar issues.  That ‘truth’ that seems so easy to you may activate feelings of shame, defensiveness, anger and lack of power in your ADHD partner.  

Thomas asks that we combine truth with love.  How?  One example - it’s loving to know that your comment may hurt your partner, even if it wouldn’t hurt you, and think before speaking.

It also helps to set up systems for tracking whether things get done, hence my support of regular task meetings.  In those meetings it is the ADHD partner who monitors his or her own progress and makes plans to assure things get done as needed.  This is much kinder than being monitored by another.

Another element of ‘truth with love’ is believing what your partner says when they tell you how they feel.  Validate his or her feelings, even if you don’t understand them or agree with them.  (If you don’t know what validation means, I talk about it in more depth in my couples’ seminar.)

What’s the loving truth your partner most needs to hear from you?

LIVE Couples' seminar - Registration is open. The first session begins January 13, 2021.

Non-ADHD support groups - Registration will open for Jan and Feb groups on Dec. 15. Stay tuned - they sell out quickly.

Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with Melissa to support you during the COVID-19 crisis.  More information is here.

Tues, Dec 8, 6:30 - 8pm EASTERN time
Wed, Dec 9, 11am - 12:30pm EASTERN time
Tues, Dec 15, 7 - 8:30pm EASTERN time

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session starts January, 2021.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.