Weekly Marriage Tips

I tell people “choose people over stuff” and I mean it in exactly the way Angelou wrote about it.  How you make people feel – your partner, your kids, your extended family and friends…THAT is what people will remember.

What does this mean?  It means connecting beyond mere words.  Engaging emotionally.  It means leaving some stuff undone.  It might mean, as it has in my own family, changing around your work schedules a bit to spend more time with family (both my husband and I have now done this).

For those with ADHD, the gift of attention – and specifically attention that connects you to others rather than just doing something together – is particularly tricky.  Those whom I’ve observed have been most successful are those who teach themselves to drop what they are doing when an opportunity to connect with their partner and children comes along, and those who learn to listen well.

Could you improve your connections by doing the same?

 

I'm an experts TONIGHT, February 25th, 8PM EDT on the Women and ADHD Palooza. Free. Online. My topic: The Just Right Relationship.  Learn more about this free resource.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. THE NEXT LIVE SEMINAR WILL BE GIVEN IN THE FALL OF 2020

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

One of the trickiest parts of the life cycle of a marriage is the introduction of children into the family.  For some reason we do a great job at telling people about the wonder, and a really terrible job of preparing them for how physically and emotionally demanding it will be.

Tons of hormones and possibly post-partum depression issues.  Lack of sleep (which exacerbates ADHD symptoms and crankiness in both partners.)  A sudden shift in the dynamics of the relationship (how many men have felt left out of the mother/child relationship, and miss their wives when they have less time for their partner?)  For many, there are new financial pressures, too.

The broader community knows about these issues – we just don’t talk about it enough.

Perhaps it is time to create your own pre-baby ritual.  Get some friends and family to ‘straight talk’ about the speed bumps they encountered when their children were born.  And perhaps spend some time with your partner – celebrating your last moments as a twosome for the next 2 decades.  The celebration will be worth it.

 

Looking for a great Valentine's gift for your partner? Register for my live seminar. Starts February 18th. Learn more. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts February 18, 2020.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I feel sad that Cather’s quote held true for me.  When things were calm in my relationship it was easy for me to understand intellectually that I needed to treat my partner better, but hard for me to internalize emotionally that I had to really commit to DOING so.  Then, when really stormy times came – times that were emotionally horrible for us both, and in which our marriage was immediately threatened, it became clear that I only had one path if I wanted to keep my marriage alive.  I HAD TO treat my husband more kindly.

For all of you who, in your anger and resentment, are struggling with implementing the ideals of respect, kindness, empathy and validation, I hope that you will learn from my experiences.  While some things are easier learned in that storm, it is an emotionally hard place to be.  Instead, believe me when I tell you that you have no choice other than to work together, as a couple, to treat each other kindly and with respect.  Otherwise, you will not thrive.

Why not do it now, while you are still speaking to each other and willing to work together, rather than wait for that storm to come?

 

February is the month of love! Starting February 18th - Session 1 of my Live Couples Seminar: Optimizing ADHD treatment; Understanding the differences between you - and 7 more sessions after that! My Non-ADHD Support groups, both am and pm, start Feb 17th. Don't Delay, registration is NOW OPEN for all courses!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. 

ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts February 18, 2020.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I loved being sent this message, because it really speaks to one of the biggest benefits of getting an evaluation to see if one or both of you might have ADHD.  If you do end up with a diagnosis you finally have an explanation for what’s been going on in your relationship!  And a much more direct path to improving how you are together.

By naming ADHD – and also by acknowledging that responses to ADHD are really important – the two of you can finally be on the same team, working together to find the life, and the love, you thought you had lost.  What could be better?

 

REGISTRATION IS OPEN! Is your relationship in trouble? The next live session starts February 18, 2020. My highly acclaimed, 8-session phone seminar, ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

 

 

ADHDmarriage.com offers many free resources including: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.... Plus How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD.

 

Seminars:

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar provides hope, information and the tools you need to move to thrive in a healthier, happier relationship. The live session starts February 18, 2020.

Questions? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Are you suffering because you are held hostage by your past?  If you’re not sure, here are some examples:

• You feel you can’t work on issues you’ve had with your partner because your partner will let you down again – he always has in the past.
• Things are going better, and your ADHD partner has been significantly more organized for the last 6 months.  But then she makes a big mistake.  Rather than view the mistake through the positive lens of the recent improvements, you are triggered back to the ‘bad old days’ of constant under-performance and stop noticing the positive.
• You are the ADHD partner in the above example.  When you make a mistake you think to yourself I knew it – I’m never going to be able to do this!

With treatment and effort people with ADHD really can learn to manage their ADHD.  And with the right sorts of toolsets, couples impacted by ADHD really can do much, much better.  But it is MUCH easier if you are willing to forgive your past together and move ahead thinking about today and tomorrow and not letting your past drag you down.

The most effective way to do this is to change your mindset from We’re never going to get this to We did the best we could do with the tools we had…but now we have better tools and are learning how to do better.

With good ADHD treatment and ADHD-friendly strategies for both of you, you really can leave your past behind!

 

I am one of the experts at the ADHD and Middle School Summit. Learn more about this free resource.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts February 18, 2020.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

The older I get, the more I realize just how precious each day is.  And how much faster each day speeds by!

When it comes to marriage, I think it’s important to understand that time is the one precious resource that you can never, ever get more of.  You may choose to retreat from your partner or from your problems.  It is a common coping strategy, but I urge you to make it only a very short-term one.  Instead of continuing to retreat, seek help from a professional, from a course, from books that can provide insight and inspiration.  Even if you are tired of all of the work and the struggles you face, remind yourself that you will never get this time back again.  Your life is precious.  Your time is precious.  Your connections with family are precious.  If ruptured, they need to be fixed.

Towards that end, here are some of my favorite resources for making your days and life better:

For couples:

• My couples seminar is the best resource available for couples impacted by ADHD who wish to create change, not just learn about their issues.

• My books, The ADHD Effect on Marriage and The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD provide a great overview, great tools and food for thought.

• Dare to Forgive can help you start to move away from the stranglehold that negative feelings about your past together creates.  When you forgive your partner and yourself you are more likely to be able to move forward.

• Working with a professional who understands ADHD.  See my Resources Page for specific suggestions.

For parents of children with ADHD:

• Parenting ADHD Now! is the best book out there for parents of kids up to about age 15.

• ImpactADHD.com provides parent coaching and educational programs for parents of complex kids, including ADHD

• I Always Want to Be Where I’m Not by Wes Crenshaw is targeted to young adults ages 16-30 to help them understand living their lives with ADHD

For adults with ADHD:

• My couples seminar is a game changer for many, as is getting an evaluation (if you haven’t had one) and starting to optimize treatment for ADHD (see my free treatment e-book on my home page for more on this)

• Mindfulness training can help one manage ADHD – The Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD is one resource for this.  There are also courses you can take in person that are more generally about mindfulness (Google some in your area).

For non-ADHD partners:

• I now offer non-ADHD partner support groups, please contact me here if you wish to be put on a notification mailing list when new dates are posted for these group

• Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beatty is very useful for addressing parent/child dynamics

• The Dance of Anger is useful for starting to address non-ADHD partner anger in women

You can find many more resources at my website, ADHDmarriage.com.  Please explore it, and send me questions if you have them.

 

Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with Melissa to support you during the COVID-19 crisis.  More information is here.

Tuesday, June 9 7:30 - 9pm EASTERN time

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts Fall 2020.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Are you suffering because you are held hostage by your past?  If you’re not sure, here are some examples:

• You feel you can’t work on issues you’ve had with your partner because your partner will let you down again – he always has in the past.
• Things are going better, and your ADHD partner has been significantly more organized for the last 6 months.  But then she makes a big mistake.  Rather than view the mistake through the positive lens of the recent improvements, you are triggered back to the ‘bad old days’ of constant under-performance and stop noticing the positive.
• You are the ADHD partner in the above example.  When you make a mistake you think to yourself I knew it – I’m never going to be able to do this!

With treatment and effort people with ADHD really can learn to manage their ADHD.  And with the right sorts of toolsets, couples impacted by ADHD really can do much, much better.  But it is a MUCH easier if you are willing to forgive your past together and move ahead thinking about today and tomorrow and not letting your past drag you down.

The most effective way to do this is to change your mindset from We’re never going to get this to We did the best we could do with the tools we had…but now we have better tools and are learning how to do better.

With good ADHD treatment and ADHD-friendly strategies for both of you, you really can leave your past behind!

 

I am one of the experts at the ADHD and Middle School Summit. Learn more about this free resource.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts February 18, 2020.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

As early as elementary school I was a problem solver and manager, and it is still so.  So when confronted with the problems in my marriage, I got right to work – trying to assess the issues and solve the problems.  Unfortunately, when undiagnosed ADHD is on board, this simply doesn’t work.  In part this is because you don’t actually know what the problem is.  My husband’s ADHD was undiagnosed, so his distraction, lack of follow through, and complete disregard for the mess around him seemed as if they were about ‘not caring’ rather than ADHD.

But the other reason solving the ADHD problem doesn’t work when you aren’t the ADHD partner is, as Rohr points out, that those issues aren’t yours to solve.  Sure, they impact you – a lot.  But you cannot change an ADHD partner – and you can’t solve the problems your partner faces – only s/he can do that.

What you an do is ‘hold’ these issues.  Respect them.  Learn about them.  Be curious without being intrusive.  Support your partner’s efforts.  Be empathetic when things don’t go as you (or your partner) expect.

Am I suggesting you give up on your own dreams as you ‘hold’ the issue of ADHD?  Not at all.  I’m suggesting that the best way to get to a happy place for yourself is to be a partner around ADHD issues, rather than an adversary or a ‘fixer.’

It took me a long time to get to the empathetic place I now am with my husband, but I hope you will be able to get there more quickly now that more is known about how to live happily when one or both of you has ADHD.

Are you solving, or holding?

 

My Upcoming live seminar and non-adhd groups start in February. Don't Delay!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. adhdmarriage.com, can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ​​​​​​​  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts February 18, 2020.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Some would tell you that respect is owed in certain situations by virtue of one’s station, such as being an elder, church official, parent, or spouse.  I see it slightly differently.  I believe that respect should be the default mode.  One should show respect to every person, of every age, until demonstrated (repeatedly) they are not worthy of that respect.

This can be tricky when ADHD is at play – because some of the things that we base respect upon, such as following through on promises, are made more difficult with the presence of ADHD symptoms.

So what to do when an ADHD partner loses your respect, by not following through, or by making impulsive, poorly thought out decisions (as just two examples)?  At that point respect must be earned.  This rebuilding of respect (like trust, which is related but slightly different) can take a long time, and is based upon today and tomorrow’s behaviors.  If a partner with ADHD wants to earn your respect back, he or she must demonstrate a real desire to ‘own’ his/her ADHD and manage it to the best of their abilities.

This doesn’t mean that you will be aligned in your thinking (which is a mistake some make when they think about respect).  Sometimes I find I can respect my husband’s opinion, as well as his right to hold it, while not appreciating the actions he takes based upon that opinion.  Or agreeing with the opinion, for that matter.

Is that ‘earned’?  I don’t know.  But it’s a system that works for me.  What are your thoughts on respect?

 

Update: new dates for my Live Phone Seminar.... same seminar, just new dates. I will next give the seminar again live in the Fall, exact dates TBD but the self-study option is available at any time. There will be no seminar in the Spring of 2020. 

The new dates are: Tuesday, Feb 18, Tuesday, Feb 25, Tuesday, March 3, MONDAY, Mar 9, Tuesday, Mar 17, MONDAY, Mar 23, one week break, Tuesday, April 7, Tuesday, April 14,

My non-adhd groups start January 15th and meets BY PHONE 8 evenings at both 7pm and 8:15pm eastern time Learn more.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  
Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts February 18, 2020.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues and sharing successes and struggles. Find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

One of the best things about having some years under your belt is that you grow…and you’ve grown enough that you can actually see that growth, should you choose to examine it.

Hopefully, you’ve grown in a way that you like.  In my case, I’ve become more empathetic and much more patient, among other things.  I would like to think I’ve become more accommodating, though in my grumpier moods, perhaps not!  I can also see things I would like to improve upon, such as being able to slow down and relax better, allowing me to be easier to be with.

I look forward to continuing to grow and change.

What are you doing to become a better person?

 

Want to be a better person? See Below....

Non-ADHD Partner Support Group, starting January 15, is given by conference call and led by me.  Each session focuses on one or two topics a week that are submitted by group members for in-depth exploration.  Participants support each other, explore their biggest issues and most pressing problems, and get advice from me - and from each other - each week.

My ADHD Effect couples seminar, starting January 13, is given by conference call and also led by me.  This is my premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples.  It provides hope, information and the tools you need to move to thrive in a healthier, happier relationship. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship - ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources:

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar 

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues and learning from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.