Weekly Marriage Tips

I think of my work as a catalyst for couples as they take their own marital journeys.  My opinion being that what my husband and I went through was completely average for couples impacted by ADHD and by laying our learning bare we can hope to speed up that journey for others in a similar position.

But you still have to go through it, with your own discoveries.  And with your own approaches to solving your own issues.  I can suggest, for example, that putting aside some of my fears and baggage about my sex life (admittedly complicated after some affairs) and just deciding to enjoy myself again worked well for me.  I was able to set aside my fears until they could be healed over time by my more positive experiences.  But not everyone will be able to do that…or want to.

I invite you all to share your own experiences, journeys and questions with me and others at our website forum or through contacting me directly.  This is a journey we have all made and you don’t have to make it alone.

Starting April 6th - My Noon Non-ADHD Partner Support Group has availability. 7 sessions. The next sessions after April will begin in the fall of 2020. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session starts Fall 2020.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I wish my husband and I had known all we know now about ADHD in relationships back when I first got married.  We would still probably have struggled, but our relationship would have been so much stronger.

But, as the proverb notes, the second best time to plant a tree is now.  And that is what my husband and I do.  We take time and effort to enjoy every day.  Better yet, we make sure to connect every day in some way.  Lots of times that biking or hiking together – which not only connects us, but provides a sense of emotional peace (which is the case with all aerobic exercise).  But our living in the now also extends to being open to whatever the other person wants to try.  That could be a surprise dinner out, a new movie, time with friends, a visit to a museum, doing a puzzle, going to…well, just about anything.  It might be something as small as putting stamps on holiday cards (something I asked my husband to do the other day and was grateful he did.)

Trees grow strong with water and sun.  So does your relationship.  Every day.

Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with Melissa to support you during the COVID-19 crisis.  Learn more

Tuesday, May 19 7:45pm to 9pm EST and Friday, May 29 2-5:30pm EST

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session starts Fall, 2020.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

What would happen if you and your partner identified the one thing that you wished the other would stop, and then each acted to eliminate that thing?  That one thing that hurts your heart more than anything else?

Doing so won’t be easy, because if it were, you would already have stopped.  Few genuinely want to hurt their partner, even if they are frustrated or angry.  So you might need help.

Let me give you a quick example:  In my relationship my ‘stop request’ of my husband was his quick spurts of anger that came out of the blue for me.  He stopped those with the help of medication for his ADHD and anger.  Many years later, when his stress levels were lowered, he stopped the medication and controlled it with mindfulness and (jointly) some effective verbal cues set between us.

His ‘stop request’ for me was to stop telling him what to do.  This took quite a while as I had to learn how to adjust to thinking of him as equal in our relationship in spite of his lack of follow through due to ADHD symptoms. (It helped that he improved his follow through somewhat, as well as got rid of the anger spurts!)  My ‘treatment’ included a lot of reading and self-reflection; some counseling; and learning a lot more about ADHD so I could differentiate between defiance/stubbornness and ADHD symptoms.  I also spent a good deal of time thinking about – and working on- reconnecting.

Most struggling couples have at least one ‘stop in the name of love’ requests in them.  Perhaps a counselor could help you both define yours, and act on it.

During the COVID-19 crisis I will be offering free office hours - for individuals and couples with questions about how to navigate relationship issues during social distancing, stay at home orders and all else that comes with our upended times.  It's a difficult time for many, and it is my hope that I can provide meaningful support for those with relationship questions. Learn more.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts Fall, 2020.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Do you agree with Brooks’ definition of joy?  I’m not sure I would have done so 20 years ago.  But I just spent a recent long holiday weekend with both of my children, their partners, my husband, my father and his partner.  And my joy is exactly what Brooks describes.  

It is the years of giving to both the others in the family and (importantly) to myself that provides such pleasure – okay, joy – as I sit listening to the laughter and comments of those I love most.  Hear the excitement of some, empathize with the struggles of others, even take a brisk walk.  A knowledge that I have given the best I can give to all concerned to help them (and me) be strong and loving people.  My giving was not always perfect, but that is okay because I am only human.

It is not the specific path I chose (staying with my husband through horrible struggles and more) that results in today’s joy.  It’s the attitude – one in which I chose to be the best me I could be, even when times were hard.

This is not a call to stay with your partner or to leave your partner.  It’s a call to look inside yourself and find your best self.  Be proud of that person.  Live as that person.  Do the loving, caring things that person would do – including for yourself.  On this path I hope that you will find joy as I have.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts Fall, 2020.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Ned Hallowell talks about the mirror traits of ADHD how something that feels negative sometimes can be positive at others.  Example:  An unfiltered ADHD brain that sees many things at once can be a distraction from a spouse or task that needs doing.  Or it can be the basis of outside-the-box and creative thinking.

More examples:  Hyperactivity may lead to stress.  Or it can be seen as being high energy and lots of fun.  Being in the present moment can be about having difficulty planning for the future…or it can be someone who is amazingly responsive to what is happening right now.

A good bit of living with ADHD is about understanding that ADHD traits can be positive when in the right situation, and that looking for the positive helps offset the problems that ADHD also presents.

Are you looking for ADHD thorns or roses?  And can you live with the idea that a rose is beautiful in part because it has both?

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session starts Fall, 2020.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

We all know how uncomfortable it is to be on the receiving end of yelling.  Either you want to run away or your rage at the injustice of that yelling boils over.  That’s the ‘fight or flight’ instincts setting in.

But there is another part of yelling that we don’t think about as often.  That is the part that Smothers was referring to – where your own yelling interferes with your own understanding.

It has been my experience that yelling is not just a release of anger, but a red flag that says “something needs attending to here!”  We all have a right to our anger – just as we have to all of our feelings – but why are you yelling?  What do you need to hear that you aren’t able to in that moment?

You won’t be able to ask yourself that question right away.  But later, when you have time to reflect, what might you discover?  It is when we are brave – when we ask “what do I need to hear coming from inside myself or from my partner?” – that we learn and grow.

What do you need to hear?

Is there hope?  This video may help you answer that question. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session starts Fall 2020.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Most people who have ADHD wish they didn’t.  That makes sense, as it definitely complicates your life, even if you learn to live well with it.

But the reality is that you DO have it, and so what now?  Strayed has exactly the right idea.  How do you play the hell out of your cards?

• Learn all you can about your particular version ADHD.
• Seek your strengths and find a job that fits those strengths
• Surround yourself with people who are positive about you and support you
• Be with a partner who gets you and appreciates you, even if the ADHD sometimes is a pain
• Optimize your treatment for ADHD so that YOU are in control – NOT the ADHD

Some good resources to help you with doing this include:

• My free treatment ebook, found on my home page.  Take the concepts, such as target symptoms, to your doctor
• My couples seminar, which can help you and partner do better in your relationship…or, if you don’t have time for that, my books
• May We Have Your Attention, Please? Is a new book by Laura MacNiven that helps you identify your strengths and befriend your ADHD

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts Fall 2020.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I tell people “choose people over stuff” and I mean it in exactly the way Angelou wrote about it.  How you make people feel – your partner, your kids, your extended family and friends…THAT is what people will remember.

What does this mean?  It means connecting beyond mere words.  Engaging emotionally.  It means leaving some stuff undone.  It might mean, as it has in my own family, changing around your work schedules a bit to spend more time with family (both my husband and I have now done this).

For those with ADHD, the gift of attention – and specifically attention that connects you to others rather than just doing something together – is particularly tricky.  Those whom I’ve observed have been most successful are those who teach themselves to drop what they are doing when an opportunity to connect with their partner and children comes along, and those who learn to listen well.

Could you improve your connections by doing the same?

I'm an experts TONIGHT, February 25th, 8PM EDT on the Women and ADHD Palooza. Free. Online. My topic: The Just Right Relationship.  Learn more about this free resource.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. THE NEXT LIVE SEMINAR WILL BE GIVEN IN THE FALL OF 2020

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

One of the trickiest parts of the life cycle of a marriage is the introduction of children into the family.  For some reason we do a great job at telling people about the wonder, and a really terrible job of preparing them for how physically and emotionally demanding it will be.

Tons of hormones and possibly post-partum depression issues.  Lack of sleep (which exacerbates ADHD symptoms and crankiness in both partners.)  A sudden shift in the dynamics of the relationship (how many men have felt left out of the mother/child relationship, and miss their wives when they have less time for their partner?)  For many, there are new financial pressures, too.

The broader community knows about these issues – we just don’t talk about it enough.

Perhaps it is time to create your own pre-baby ritual.  Get some friends and family to ‘straight talk’ about the speed bumps they encountered when their children were born.  And perhaps spend some time with your partner – celebrating your last moments as a twosome for the next 2 decades.  The celebration will be worth it.

Looking for a great Valentine's gift for your partner? Register for my live seminar. Starts February 18th. Learn more. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts February 18, 2020.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I feel sad that Cather’s quote held true for me.  When things were calm in my relationship it was easy for me to understand intellectually that I needed to treat my partner better, but hard for me to internalize emotionally that I had to really commit to DOING so.  Then, when really stormy times came – times that were emotionally horrible for us both, and in which our marriage was immediately threatened, it became clear that I only had one path if I wanted to keep my marriage alive.  I HAD TO treat my husband more kindly.

For all of you who, in your anger and resentment, are struggling with implementing the ideals of respect, kindness, empathy and validation, I hope that you will learn from my experiences.  While some things are easier learned in that storm, it is an emotionally hard place to be.  Instead, believe me when I tell you that you have no choice other than to work together, as a couple, to treat each other kindly and with respect.  Otherwise, you will not thrive.

Why not do it now, while you are still speaking to each other and willing to work together, rather than wait for that storm to come?

February is the month of love! Starting February 18th - Session 1 of my Live Couples Seminar: Optimizing ADHD treatment; Understanding the differences between you - and 7 more sessions after that! My Non-ADHD Support groups, both am and pm, start Feb 17th. Don't Delay, registration is NOW OPEN for all courses!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. 

ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts February 18, 2020.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.