Weekly Marriage Tips

While Panepinto is talking about using this question with ALL of your relationships, it certainly is important within our primary relationship!  People sometimes ask how I know what to say to others.  The answer to that is I try hard to think about what the other person’s experience is – and particularly that experience with me.

So when many years ago when my husband said ‘If you dislike me so much, why are you married to me?’ my first instinct was to deny that I disliked him.  But, instead, I tried to think “WHY would he say that?  What’s his experience?”  It also helps to ask questions and be ready for the answers.  ‘Why are you thinking that?’ or ‘Can you tell me more about that?’ can be very helpful questions.

But if you want to preempt all of that, just ask ‘What is it like to have a relationship with me?’ regularly…then respond compassionately, as needed.  If you’re not intrepid enough to actually ask the question because you fear the answer, then start reflecting on the work you need to do to change that.

What’s it like to be in a relationship with you?

Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with me to support you during the COVID-19 crisis.  More information is here.

Tues, Nov 17,   1:30 - 2:30pm EASTERN time
Wed, Nov 18,   7:30 - 8:30pm EASTERN time
Mon, Nov 23,  2 - 3:30pm EASTERN time
Mon, Nov 23,   7 - 8:15pm EASTERN time

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session starts early 2021.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I’ve worked closely with Ned Hallowell and he has a wonderful take on ADHD.  He says it’s a ‘gift that’s hard to unwrap,’ and he used to get taken to task by people who claimed he was being Polyanna-ish to ever think of ADHD as a gift.  What he was saying was really this – ADHD can bring with it lots of difficult stuff (or, as he says, ‘having ADHD sucks’).  But if you only dig into what’s hard, you will never be able to build on your strengths.  And for all of us, it is our strengths that lead us to who we will be and what we will do with our lives.

In the video below, Hallowell talks about his morning with ADHD – including some pretty average moments of ADHD-ness that may make you laugh in recognition.  Own your ADHD, he urges, and more.

Video on the positive and negative traits of ADHD

The 2020 VIRTUAL INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE ON ADHD is going on NOW November 5-7, 2020

Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with Melissa to support you during the COVID-19 crisis.  More information is here.

Wed, Nov 11,   7 - 8:30pm EASTERN time
Thurs, Nov 12,   2:30 - 3:30pm EASTERN time
Tues, Nov 17,   1:30 - 2:30pm EASTERN time
Wed, Nov 18,   7:30 - 8:30pm EASTERN time

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I remember quite distinctly sitting down with my husband one day and saying, “I have to say that I don’t really like you right now…and I don’t like myself much, either.”  He replied, “That’s interesting, because I don’t like you much, either, nor myself.”

This is what can happen when your relationship becomes really distorted in your fights around ADHD and responses to ADHD.  I had become a person who was critical, contemptuous, angry and frustrated.  My husband had become defiant, angry, mean and rude.  Our relationship was a mess.

I read Nierenberg’s quote and it looks like blame – the other person is messing with your head and you become someone you don’t like.  But in our situation (and others I’ve seen) it’s about both partners and how they interact.  The solution to the issue is to:

1. Name it and acknowledge it

2. Take responsibility for fixing your side of the problem

3. Replace the poor behaviors with those that more accurately reflect your own positive values and bring you more in line with your best self

It’s not about blame.  It’s about taking responsibility.  For me, that meant addressing the core issues at my own frustration and how I was expressing my very real pain and anger.  I had to learn to be much more constructive and stop parenting.

For my husband it meant he had to take managing his ADHD much more seriously, so there was greater stability in our relationship and so that he wasn’t as prone to fast, destructive rages.

Both people have to contribute to the solution, else nothing changes.  But once you do, you’ll find that you can once again become someone of whom you are proud…and whom you like.

Are you and your partner ready for this shift?

My latest article in Psychology Today, Managing Political and COVID Stress Near the Election. It's going to be a rough few weeks, filled with anxiety.

Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with Melissa to support you during the COVID-19 crisis.  More information is here.

Monday, October 26,   7 - 8:30pm EASTERN time
Wed, Oct 28,   3:30 - 4:30pm EASTERN time
Wed, Nov 4,   4 - 6pm EASTERN time
Thurs, Nov 5,   1 - 2:15pm EASTERN time
Wed, Nov 11,   7 - 8:30pm EASTERN time

THE 32nd Annual International Conference on ADHD - November 5-7, 2020 - Virtual. Q & A and all speakers. Learn more and register.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

McChrystal’s quote, from an article on leadership, is very relevant for couples struggling with ADHD who are still blaming their partners, while believing they are doing okay.

I hear this from both parties.  ADHD partners may claim they are making great progress, but confuse thinking about or learning about ADHD with making measurable, effective change.  They complain they are leading but their non-ADHD partner is still stuck.  For those who fit this profile, I suggest you use the SMART goal setting and measurement system to get an accurate view of just how much progress you are making in your execution.

Non-ADHD partners may claim they are making good progress on being more constructive, while forgiving or justifying their continued parenting behaviors and anger responses.  While anger and frustration are understandable, real leadership is about consistently expressing those feelings more productively (i.e. not venting, for one!)

It helps both parties when both recognize progress while also recognizing that more work needs to be done.  Give up a sense that you are leading and lay out (and follow) a specific plan to demonstrate what you will make happen.  That’s leadership, when recovering from marital struggles with ADHD.

Do you have your improvement plan in place?  Could you synopsize it clearly to your partner?  Is it measurable?

Final Non-ADHD Partner support groups for 2020 - both start next week on Thursday, Oct 29.  One runs at 11:30am eastern time and the other runs at 7:30pm eastern time.  Learn more

Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with Melissa to support you during the COVID-19 crisis.  More information is here.

Monday, October 26,   7 - 8:30pm EASTERN time
Wed, Oct 28,   3:30 - 4:30pm EASTERN time
Wed, Nov 4,   4 - 6pm EASTERN time
Thurs, Nov 5,   1 - 2:15pm EASTERN time

more hours.....

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Even if you are struggling, there are many positive emotions that you can access to help you get through the harder moments.  Here are just a few that I’ve seen recently in couples I’m working with.  They often focus around appreciating what you already have, or creating new things that you can appreciate:

- Evaluation of, and appreciation for, improvements that have come with the start of ADHD medication

- An early ‘Thanksgiving’ done in September for a family that couldn’t be together in November due to COVID.  They created a completely new ‘holiday’ focused on being together and having fun to celebrate life.

- Riding a bike and appreciating fall colors (okay, that’s us!)

- A couple who spent their anniversary reminiscing about the positive ways they connected when they were younger and saying thank you.  They held hands while doing this

- A couple who takes 5-10 minutes every night to complete the sentence “What you need to know most about me today is…” and shares something personal.  The other person listens, perhaps questions, and says thank you

- A couple who does yoga together to slow down and connect a bit at something fun

- A couple who has started taking walks around their property to talk.  The non-ADHD partner (who is the more conversationally dominate of the two) doesn’t speak for the first 5 minutes to allow her partner more time to share himself with her.  They both enjoy this change.

These moments of good have all been intentionally created by these couples for the purpose of creating positive emotions and connection between them.  What positive moments might you create, either for yourself or your relationship?

Join me at The 32nd Annual International Conference on ADHD, November 5-7, 2020 - It is virtual this year with plenty of opportunity to ask questions of the speakers.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Learning disorders and ADHD can lead to teasing from other kids at school, or comments that encourage low self-esteem.  “Why can’t you multiple 4 x 5?  What are you, stupid?!” does not make a fourth grader feel good about herself and be a blow to self-esteem.

That’s where knowing your strengths comes in.  Everyone is ‘lopsided’ – we all have some things we do better than others.  People with ADHD can be particularly lopsided if their symptoms are under-managed.  But we all have things we do well and that can make us proud.

For this young woman, it is ANYTHING creative, plus exploring the world.  For my husband it’s everything technical.  For me it is synthesizing information.  For another person I know it’s playing the drums.

We should ALL be identifying our strengths and be ready to remember we have them any time someone attacks one of those vulnerable, we-don’t-do-that-so-well places.

What are your strengths?  Your partner’s?

October is ADHD Month - Check out these Free resources:

Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with Melissa to support you during the COVID-19 crisis. 

Monday, Oct. 12:  7 - 8:30pm eastern

Office hours will start up again the week of 10/26

11th Annual ADHD Awareness Expo. October 1 - 31, My presentation: You and Your Partner Are Much More Different Than You Think!

TADD Talks - October 1 - 31, 18 minute presentations on a variety of ADHD subjects.

34th Annual ADHD Conference - November  5 - 7, online this year. Top ADHD experts and opportunity for Q & A. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

When I felt most desperate in my relationship it was like a thick fog of misery.  I knew something was wrong, but didn’t know what, and couldn’t figure out how to see to fix it.  I behaved poorly – badgering and even verbally abusing my husband.  I became a person I just didn’t like and wasn’t proud of.

I hear many similar stories, and when one feels this way there are two paths – double down, parent more, badger more, and try to push your ADHD partner into change.  This makes sense because it’s hard to get a person with ADHD to focus…putting on the pressure helps focus effort, but it doesn’t create a healthy relationship.  So while it’s logical, it’s not healthy or helpful.  You can’t hate…or push…your way into love.

The second option is to learn more about ADHD in adult relationships.  To build empathy, as well as an effective toolkit that both partners can use to improve things.  This can be hard, particularly if you’re frustrated and feeling hopeless, but it is through kindness and a generosity of spirit that we build love with a partner.  It’s also where we remind ourselves of our own worth and learn, once again, to love ourselves.

I’m not suggesting that being kind is all that it takes to repair a relationship hurt by ADHD and responses to ADHD.  There are other factors, such as getting out of parent/child dynamics and optimizing treatment for ADHD that are really, really important.  But it is only through seeking a loving path that we can build love rather than destroy it.

Are you pushing from a place of anger or hate or are you seeking to understand and build love?

Is it time to introduce more love into your relationship? My LIVE ADHD Effect on Marriage Couples Phone Seminar starts NEXT WEEK on September 16, 2020. 8 sessions, plus one bonus.  If you or your partner has ADHD, you probably have tried to work on improving your relationship, but may not have been successful. Traditional counseling does not address the effects of ADHD, leaving you frustrated and incredulous that you have gotten to this point and haven't been able to make things better. I provide understanding and concrete ideas to help couples re-balance their relationships. Learn more.

Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with Melissa to support you during the COVID-19 crisis.  More information is here.

Friday, Sept. 11:  9 - 10:15am eastern

Monday, Sept. 14:  12:30 - 2:00pm eastern

Thursday, Sept. 17:  3 - 4:30pm eastern

Monday, Sept 21:  4 - 5:15pm eastern

Thursday, Sept 24:  7 - 9:00pm eastern

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts September 16, 2020.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I’ve talked about parent/child dynamics a lot because it’s such an important factor in why relationships impacted by ADHD struggle.  Part of the reason for this struggle is fear.  For ADHD partners, that fear is about whether or not they will ‘fail’ yet again when they try to fulfill the promises they’ve made.  Whether they will be loved or criticized, instead.  Whether they will be appreciated, or perhaps belittled.  Fear that they are unlovable.  If you are an ADHD partner in a parent/child dynamic situation, life feels like a minefield.  It’s hard to move forward.

There is a different set of fears driving non-ADHD partners.  Fear that things will always remain chaotic and never get better.  Fear about not having control (since ADHD plays a role, and it’s not your own ADHD).  Fear of financial or health crises brought about by ADHD partner carelessness, lying or worse.  Fear that one’s partner isn’t capable of paying enough attention feel loved the way you had hoped you would.

Fear is a powerful emotion – and tends to send people into primitive responses such as fight, flight or freeze.  It is when you name these fears, allow that they can exist AND that you can start to improve the situation that progress is made.  By accepting the duality of your situation – yes, it’s okay to fear AND it’s smart to use what’s known to help couples impacted by ADHD – that you make progress.

What are the fears that you hold onto that need naming?

October is ADHD Month - Check out these Free resources:

Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with Melissa to support you during the COVID-19 crisis. 

Thursday, October 1:  4 - 5:15pm eastern

Monday, Oct. 5:  10 - 11:15 eastern

Wednesday, Oct. 7:  8:15 - 9:30pm eastern

Monday, Oct. 12:  7 - 8:30pm eastern

11th Annual ADHD Awareness Expo. October 1 - 31, My presentation: You and Your Partner Are Much More Different Than You Think!

TADD Talks - October 1 - 31, My presentation is on October 3: 5 Things ADHD Adults Can Do to Connect Better

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

How often did I say to myself things such as:

• ‘if my husband isn’t going to do X, then why should I do Y?’

• ‘why should I say thank you when he doesn't do the dishes like he’s supposed to? What about his recognizing my hard work?!’

• ‘he just hurt me…I don’t really care if I hurt him back…’

Chances are, you’ve at least had those thoughts, too.  The problem is, the person who is hurt by these thoughts is you AND your partner.  When you withhold generous feelings or stop showing appreciation you are cutting off your partner.  The more you cut off your partner, the less connected you are.  That hurts both of you.  And is no way to get the affectionate, loving relationship you want.

ADHD has never been ‘corrected’ or improved by punishment or revenge.  Ever.

I know why I thought those things – I was exhausted.  Frustrated.  Angry.  But still, that sort of revenge (and did my husband even notice it, anyway?!) was digging a grave for our marriage instead of building the affectionate relationship we wanted.

I tell partners – both ADHD and non-ADHD partners – not to let your struggles and frustrations turn you into a person you don’t like or respect.  Don’t let your frustration keep you from showing appreciation when it’s due.  Or saying thank you for the effort your partner puts in.  Don’t cut your connections as ‘revenge’…you are only digging two graves when you do so.

My Live Seminar Starts THIS WEDNESDAY

If you've been thinking about taking my couples seminar, given by phone, the Fall session starts this week on Wednesday evening (9/16) at 8:00 pm.

It's a great seminar that has helped many couples - the details are at this link, including dates, overview and registration. I've tried to make this seminar as easy to take as possible, because I'm dedicated to getting you the information and tools that can help you change your lives together.  So it's by phone.  I answer all of your relationship questions during the seminar (ALL of them...I promise).  I record the sessions so if you miss one you can listen later.  And I offer a full, 100% refund up to the third session so you can try it out and see if you like it with no risk.

I really want to give you the tools to improve your relationship. Learn more. Questions? Please contact me. Melissa

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts Sept 16th, 2020.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I would never tell anyone they shouldn’t be angry.  Anger in itself isn’t threatening – it’s simply a signal that something needs to be attended to.  But how we hold on to and express that anger is a different matter.  There are constructive ways to express what makes us angry, and destructive ways.

Sadly, anger in ADHD-impacted relationships can become pervasive and chronic.  When it does, it’s physically toxic to the person who holds it.  The stress chronic anger and frustration create quite literally shortens your life.

It is a common mistake to believe that by using your anger (for example, bullying your partner to do something) you can solve the issues created when ADHD is present.  When either of you hang on to anger, and use it to create change, you not only send the recipient into fight or flight mode (commonly expressed as defensiveness) you also prevent yourself from healing.

As Stosny notes, you cannot both be chronically angry and heal.

Your healing is important.  I urge you to utilize healthy ways to express angry feelings calmly and, perhaps, work with a professional to help work through anger, resentment, and more.  For a good starting place, consider reading Harriet Lerner’s Dance of Anger or taking my couple’s seminar.

LIVE Couples Phone Seminar with Melissa Orlov - The ADHD Effect on Marriage - 8 sessions, plus one bonus, starts September 16, 2020. If you or your partner has ADHD, you probably have tried to work on improving your relationship, but may not have been successful. Traditional counseling does not address the effects of ADHD, leaving you frustrated and incredulous that you have gotten to this point and haven't been able to make things better. I provide understanding and concrete ideas to help couples re-balance their relationships. Don't delay, it starts September 16th. Learn more.

Online course for adults with ADHD - MAY WE HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE? starting September 23, 2020. Learn more

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts September 16th.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.