Weekly Marriage Tips

One of the most interesting conversations a person with ADHD can have with his or her partner is about how each partner’s brain functions.  Often, the other person’s brain is completely foreign in quite unexpected ways.

And some of the descriptors are wonderful.  I’ve heard ‘popcorn brain’ (how descriptive!!); “like having faulty windshield wipers in a rainstorm – sometimes very clear, but often blurry” and “like the Library of Congress with no card catalogue” to name a few.

If you have ADHD, please consider sharing what your brain feels like.  If you’re married to someone with ADHD, please ask.

Want to learn more? A User's Guide to the Brain

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration is open for the next live session, starting January 6, 2020, is now open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Dr. Ruth has seen a whole lot!  The quote above was in response to being asked what she’s noticed has changed over the years.  It makes me sad.  While I don’t idolize the days when people stayed in relationships no matter how miserable they were, I do think that the siren call of an imagined ‘other’ damages many relationships these days.  How can a normal person compete with an imagined, ‘wonderful’ partner?

What does it mean to ‘be realistic?’  To me it means looking to see who you really are by examining both your own thoughts, and your actions.  You can think you are kind…or efficient…or warm, but if your actions don’t consistently support that, well, then actually, you’re not.

In the same way, you should examine who your partner really is, not the imagined partner you thought you had when you got together.  Some would say that means ‘lowering your standards.’  I would argue that means ‘right sizing’ your expectations, which provides an opportunity to simultaneously look for the positives you may have missed in your disappointment at the gap between reality and your imagination.

And that leaves the opportunity for appreciation, and love.

Want more? Read Love is a Verb and Falling in Love.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration for the next live session, starting January 6, 2020, is open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

These days, whenever I am asked to provide ‘tips’ at a baby shower (and I’m going to more and more due to the age of my kids’ friends) I always write the same thing.  Remember that your partner always comes first.  I’ve seen WAY too many couples lose their way at the birth of their first child, when they are simultaneously hit by sleep deprivation; a change in the structure of the adult relationship to include a third person; oxytocin overload in mom; new work/life balance issues and a TON more logistical issues to stay on top of.

It’s hardly surprising that partners lose track of each other with this sudden increase in pressures.  You might think ‘we’re fine – let me get this other, new stuff under control, first.’  But, actually, it’s not so temporary.  More like a ‘new normal’ and things aren’t going to settle down.  With kids, particularly young kids, there are always surprises, some chaos, and a ton of logistics.  So putting your partner aside temporarily actually often results in putting your partner aside for much longer than you realize.  ‘Divide and conquer’ ends up just being ‘divide.’

To keep your relationship healthy, you MUST make time for each other!  Time for just the two of you, every week, when you are together in a way that reminds you to remember what is special about your partner.  That might be doing connecting activities together.  That might mean talking over a cup of coffee in the local bistro.  It might mean an afternoon spent in bed while your parents take the kids for the day.

Just as long as it’s not chores.

Do you and your partner make each other enough of a priority?

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts January, 2020.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

If I have one regret about my past, it is that I spent way too much time trying to improve my world (and my husband’s role in it) and not enough time savoring my days.  This is understandable – some days I felt I was barely holding things together, and my time with my husband could be very hard.  It didn’t feel as if there was much to savor.

And yet…once I started thinking with gratitude and seeking things for which I could be thankful I realized that when you are frustrated and angry it obscures the good that is actually also present in your life.  You focus on the hard stuff and forget there is also good.

I strongly recommend taking 3-5 minutes each day to focus just on the good stuff.  What are you grateful for?  It can make your whole day feel (and be) different.

How to Find Gratitude in a Struggling ADHD-Impacted Relationship Read more.

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar started October 21, 2019 - but there's still time to join...

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session started October 21, 2019 - still time to join

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

O’Connor meant that you can overcome obstacles, such as those she faced, if you work at it.  But there is another way to think about this.  Your actions ALWAYS influence your destiny.  If you choose to cling to your anger or frustration, your days will continue to be hard, and your partner will pull away from your negativity.

If you are a struggling partner with ADHD and refuse to try to manage symptoms that you and your partner have determined are destructive, your destiny will most likely be one of friction and trouble with your partner.  Further, you may well end up in the child role in parent/child dynamics.

In relationships, I find that you can’t just ‘go along and see what happens,’ at least not when you are already in a relationship that is struggling.  Just the action of ‘hanging back’ will influence the destiny of your relationship.

What this means is that you must think about where you want your relationship to go, and what you want it to feel like today, and then DO what it takes to make it that way.  Every. Single. Day.

Are you taking those actions?

My Upcoming live seminar starts October 21st and non-adhd groups start TODAY!  Learn more.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts October 21, 2019.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

How defensive are you?  Your partner?  If you’re struggling in your relationship, your answer could be ‘very!’  Defensiveness shows up as quick trigger anger.  It shows up in explaining why you are right and your partner’s recent critique is wrong.  It shows up as blame.  It shows up when you feel a victim, even though your partner is calmly trying to present his or her point of view to you.

Gottman describes defensiveness as ‘self-protection’ but it is self-protection in the very short term.  Defensive responses end conversations or make them worse.  They allow you to blame your partner rather than self-reflect in a way that could help you both.  Repeated defensiveness encourages your partner to stop engaging with you.  And you can’t love someone if you can’t engage with them positively.  

Worse, defensiveness keeps you from listening (and learning) and from being listened to.  You start to argue over who is right, rather than how to respond.  You end up as adversaries, rather than partners.  You can’t examine the issue at hand and resolve it because you aren’t on the same team.

Thinking objectively about yourself, could you become less defensive and more open to your partner?

Filling Up Quickly! My Upcoming live seminar starts October 21, the non-adhd support groups start October 15 and the Continuing Course starts October 16.... Don't Delay! Learn more.

Thrilled to be one of the books recommended by HuffPost "15 books all couples should read, according to marriage therapists"

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts October 21, 2019.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

You can read a million books and still not be able to act or change.  Knowledge is critical – without it we are ignorant, and when ADHD is involved knowledge is indeed power.  But knowing is not everything.  In order to succeed, you must also be empathetic and think with your heart.  It is when you start doing this that your partner understands, inside him or herself, that there is a deep well of love upon which change can be made.

What happens if you have a partner who is not easily empathetic?  Sometimes this is too ingrained, either physiologically or habitually, to change.  But often I observe couples who have an non-sympathetic partner whose lack of empathy is based upon feeling besieged or attacked.  It’s not safe to be empathetic in the relationship.  Once the other partner in the relationship starts behaving more kindly, it may become safe enough to risk warmth and empathy.  And, indeed, I’ve seen just this happen many times.  It can result in real breakthroughs.

What does this mean for you?  I would urge you to look inside yourself and ask if you have hardened against your partner.  If so, consider ways to become more welcoming and warm.  That might include a gratitude journal, counseling, meditation, developing conflict intimacy skills, or just plain listening with an open heart.

Don't Miss Out: My Live Seminar and non-adhd groups start in October. Learn more.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts October 21, 2019.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Regret and grief are two emotions that many people I work with feel.  Most commonly I hear grief and regret expressed about:

• Lost time.  What if I had known about ADHD sooner?

• The loss of an imagined relationship.  I thought I was going to have a fairy tale relationship, but mine is so hard!

• Missed time with kids.  My partner and I fought so much we didn’t get to enjoy our kids as we could have

I’ve felt these sorts of feelings myself, and know that they can hold you hostage if you can’t work through them so you can move forward in a positive way.  To do so it can help to understand two things.  First, you yourself made decisions that got you to this place.  It does not make sense to blame your partner and doing so can make it hard to move on.  I chose to marry my husband, I chose to stay with him when I first saw that our relationship would be different than I had anticipated, and I chose to fight with him rather than seek counseling when my kids were younger.  So part of the responsibility for where I was (and its resulting grief) lay at my own feet.

So, okay, you played a role in getting to where you are.  How do you deal with grief? When ADHD is involved, it can help to tell yourself “I/we did the best I/we could given the information we had at the time.  We didn’t know about ADHD or responses to ADHD and we behaved in an understandable, human way to the pressures upon us.  But now we know differently, and we can do better.”

Once you have that mindset the world of possibilities can open back up and you are back in charge.  You are no longer imprisoned by your feelings about your past.  Instead, you can ask yourself “what do I need to do to make my life better?” and “where do I wish to go in my life?”

Is there an opportunity for you to move forward by letting go of regret or moving through your grief?

Registration is Open: My live seminar and adhd and non-adhd groups start in October. Learn more.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts October 21, 2019.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I had the privilege of spending a day with Special Ops personnel and their families recently and was struck by this senior military pastor’s comment about how useful some ADHD characteristics are for what their unit does.  “We look for people who are quick on their feet, who excel under pressure and in high-adrenaline situations, and who can take in a whole lot of information around them all at once.  So we do end up having quite a few soldiers with ADHD.”

These families have special stressors most of the rest of us don’t experience – long deployments that leave only one parent at home and 100% in charge, readjustment upon a soldier’s return, the mental health issues such as PTSD that may come with repeated deployments and combat experience, and the transitions between the ‘band of brothers/sisters’ experiences when in the field vs. the family and spouse. ADHD (which is often undiagnosed) makes things even harder.

I am grateful for the service these men and women provide our country, as well as for the ADHD that helps them serve so well and hope that I will have more opportunities to try to help them navigate the ins and outs of ADHD.

Thank you to any of you reading this who are in, or have been in, the military.

My Upcoming live seminar and adhd and non-adhd groups start in the fall. Learn more.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts October 21, 2019.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

If you are an adult with ADHD, do you sometimes cover up mistakes you make rather than expose them to your partner?  Do you feel despair when you feel you’ve disappointed your partner again?

I run into this frequently – a man will explain that he covered up a mistake (i.e. lied) because he couldn’t stand the idea that he was going to disappoint his wife, whom he treasures, yet again.  A mother will talk about the agony of having her kids upset about her tardiness driving them to places they need to be…and having her husband add to her pain by reprimanding her.

I’ve seen in my own relationship that my husband can bear my anger (when it’s expressed constructively) but can shrivel in pain if I say I’m disappointed (and then, to fight that pain, will become angry with me.)  Before I understood that connection I did not realize how important it was for me to consider exactly what – and how – I responded to his mistakes.

I urge you consider finding a calm time with your partner to talk about your own feelings about disappointment and pain.  You both have them, and it could be a very constructive conversation.  As you do this, remember that it is healthy to feel grief about where you are, too.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session starts in October 2019.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-groups - start in October 2019 and the ADHD Support Group starts September 10, 2019.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.