Weekly Marriage Tips

Competition between you and your partner can be fun under the right circumstances (for example, in sports you are playing) but in general, isn’t very helpful in a relationship.  It sets us apart, and one person feels pain when ‘vanquished’ by the other.

And yet in many ADHD/non-ADHD partnerships, there is a great deal of competition – over who will be in control and whose way will prevail.  You see this writ large in the parent/child dynamic, and the pain of the ‘loss’ (i.e. being in the child-like, losing role in that equation) can lead to behaviors that reflect that pain – rebellion; anger; retreat; passive/aggressive retorts; subversion and more.

Because non-ADHD partners are thinking about ‘getting things done’ rather than the pain created in parent/child dynamics, they often don’t understand these responses or think of them as irrational or immature.  Sadly, they are all too rational, even though they are not particularly helpful.  (The non-ADHD partner also suffers in this dynamic, though that’s not the topic of this tip.)

If you and your partner are trapped in parent/child dynamics, I urge you (beg you?) to act now to move away from parent/child dynamics as quickly as you can.  My couples seminar, if you haven’t taken it, can help.  So can a therapist who understands ADHD.  The bottom line is you must move away from fighting over whose way will prevail if you are going to stop inflicting pain on each other and start to thrive.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins in October.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and New Habit Group Coaching for Adults with ADHD.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Your entire day – even life – can feel harder than it must, making it feel as if you must slog through your day.

Relationships can feel like that, particularly when if feels as if everything is ‘bad news.’  One of the things that helped me greatly was learning that I had some control over my own life’s story, no matter what my partner was up to.  Just like in the news, some of that has to do with what you choose to notice and focus upon.  For example, did I notice that my husband came to the bedroom on time and gave me a hug, or did I notice that he snored after he fell asleep?  If I noticed both, upon which did I focus?  If it was the snoring I might feel resentful.  If it was the hug, I might feel comforted.

Over time I found that there was a lot of both good and bad happening in my relationship and that I could genuinely impact my own life by choosing to focus on the positive elements and notice them, while downplaying the negatives more than I might have in the past.  The shift did wonders for improving my own story and my days.

If you want to do this, try a gratitude exercise.  Grab a journal, and finish the sentence “I am grateful for…” three times each night before you go to bed.  You might write about your relationship or something else.  In so doing, you rewire your brain (over time), feel better immediately, probably sleep better (because you are calmer), and most importantly, start to exert control over your own story.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins October 2019.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

How many people have told me that by listening to what their body is telling them, they do better throughout their day?!  Many with ADHD are ‘night owls’, while many non-ADHD partners are ‘larks.’

Please don’t try to impose your circadian rhythm on your partner!

That said, this combo brings up issues with connection.  If you never see each other because you are on different biological clocks, you will have trouble remaining connected.  And, if the night owl isn’t getting enough sleep, then s/he will suffer from the problems of sleep deprivation, which include mental lethargy, an increase in ADHD symptoms, increased irritability and, in my observation, a lessened connection with one’s partner as all of the above take over.

So…do listen to your body – and not only what time of day it functions best, but also in that it needs more sleep than what you may be getting right now.

I am a guest expert on the ADHD Parents’ Palooza July 29 – August 3, 2019
 Online. Free! Register Now. 

Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

One of the great things about ADHD is having an innate ability to live in the moment.  But Goethe’s quote has a feel of ‘savoring the moment’ to it that I think can get lost in the ‘now and not now’ time zones of ADHD.  Those with ADHD are ‘in the moment’ because their brains are so attuned to instant rewards of responding to what’s immediately around them.  That’s not the same thing as slowing down and savoring.

So the question becomes – how do you learn to savor the moment more?  Mindfulness is the answer to that question.  With mindfulness training, you can slow yourself down a bit, and take a pause – long enough to up your enjoyment of what you are doing.  Mindfulness is also helpful for emotional regulation, better sleep, and more.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE session begins in October 2019.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Research suggests that, on average, we grow consistently less happy from about age 25 until about age 55, then our feelings of happiness start to improve.  At 65, there is a split – one group continues to get happier, while the other starts to become less happy (as they start to feel less relevant in the world.)

One of the factors that contributes to the rise in happiness in your 50s is that your child-rearing responsibilities (and also household responsibilities more generally) lessen.  There is less stress, and you have a lot more maturity and understanding of each other.

My husband and I have experienced what Gottman describes now that we are empty nesters, and I love it.  Less stress means that my husband actually doesn’t have to take the mood stabilizing medications he used to take (though he has found that he has to add behavioral strategies for those times when his stress does rise…so he’s still managing his emotional lability – just in a new way).  We get to ride bikes and go on adventures together – always a sweet spot for the two of us.  And it doesn’t matter as much if either one of us puts off a project, or changes our mind.  Yes, as we age, we are both more forgetful, but we are also kinder to each other.

I hope that you find a similar ‘surprise’ as you and your partner age.

I am one of the experts today on the Parenting ADHD Summit. Learn from me and 27 other Top ADHD experts. Register now for free.

The Spanish translation of The ADHD Effect on Marriage is now available. Kindle version only.  

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

This is a variation of something going around the internet, but the idea is a good one.  It ties into my idea of giving your ‘best self’ to your relationship.  None of us is perfect (by a long shot!) but we can try hard to contribute our ‘best selves’ to our relationship.  And then, once you do – loving your partner with everything you have – it’s easier to see what sort of relationship you have.  Or don’t have.

What happens if ‘everything you have’ isn’t good enough for your partner?  My first response would be to talk to your partner about what you do offer, and how you do love them…and request that they consider the positives.

You might also seek counseling.  Because if one partner – doing the absolute best they can - is ‘not enough’ for the other partner, then that may end your relationship. You may simply not be well matched.  You may need a professional to see if the ‘you’re not enough’ statement is actually true.

How do you tell when you are giving ‘everything you have?’  I think each person knows inside themselves if that is the case.  Have you genuinely engaged?  Have you taken your partner’s concerns to heart and tried to respond in a loving way?  Have you sought professional help?

Where are you on this journey?

Are YOU giving ‘everything you have?’ My Non-ADHD support group series begins June 17, 2019 and they Fall '19 session of the Couples Seminar starts in October.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Too often, when seeking answers to difficult questions or situations, couples find themselves in opposition to each other, rather than on the same team.  You argue, and feel as if you are right, and your partner is wrong.  That’s an ‘or’ conversation.  It’s either your way OR my way.  We have a lot of that going on in the national conversation right now, too.

Think about how different that is from believing that you both have good ideas – or even the right to hold those ideas - even if you don’t agree on all aspects of those ideas!  That’s an ‘and’ conversation.  There may be a solution in combining parts of your idea AND my idea.

Next time you disagree, I encourage you to overtly seek the ‘and’ in your conversation.  It is very often there, though sometimes to find it you have to look underneath the superficial topic of conversation.  For example, you might be arguing about the kids’ bedtime.  Underneath that, there is an ‘and’ – you both want the best for your kids.  If you start there it changes the conversation, as well as your feelings about the conversation.  Suddenly, even though you disagree on the details, the conversation feels more productive and you are more likely to get to a place that you can both live with.

When could you seek ‘and’?

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next session starts in October 2019.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Curiosity is a really great thing in life, and also in your relationship.  As O’Connor suggests, there is a great deal to be gained from being curious about the world around you.  I would suggest that there is just as much to gain by being curious about your partner and his or her opinions.

So much so, in fact, that I teach couples a conversational technique called ‘Curiosity Conversations.’  In a curiosity conversation one partner starts with a topic in which they are interested – perhaps 5-7 sentences about their feelings or concerns.  The questioning partner then asks a series of open-ended (only!) questions to find out more.

Some examples: “Why do you feel that way?” or “What do you think is underneath that feeling?” or “What’s most important about that for you?”  The partner who is the ‘speaker’ can also ask open-ended questions, such as “What do you think about this?” or “How does what I’m saying strike you?” and “what are you feeling right now?”

This technique isn’t for every conversation, but the idea of being curious is.  You can always help move your conversation forward, and help your partner feel heard, by asking open-ended questions and learning more about what’s really going on.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

In my opinion, ‘hopeless’ is one of the saddest feelings we can have.  And sometimes, when ADHD is in the picture, both ADHD and non-ADHD partners can go to this dark place.  It usually has to do with the repetitive nature of the struggle.  Perhaps you have ADHD and you’re working really hard to manage it, but struggling to make things stick.  You wonder whether or not you’ll ever get things ‘well enough’ managed.  Or you just can’t seem to get your partner to be more understanding.

Perhaps you don’t have ADHD, but are impacted by your partner’s ADHD.  Hopelessness in that situation often comes from feeling that ADHD will always impact you, and in inconsistent ways that are hard to anticipate.

You both want the struggle to just stop, yet it seems as if it just pops back.

When I’m feeling that way (and I do, sometimes, so you aren’t alone) I try to walk away from the hopelessness and turn towards self care.  I know that the hopelessness is temporary…and that I will feel relief the fastest if I don’t wallow in it.  Thinking ‘this, too, shall pass’ helps me find hope again.  And as it ‘perches on my soul’ I feel I am, once again, ready to take flight.

Next time you’re feeling hopeless, remind yourself that this feeling is fleeting, and seek out something that restores you.  ADHD may be repetitive, and you may be faced with a similar feeling in the future, but as you heal they become shorter and much further in between.

Above, I offer advice for both partners. If you don’t have ADHD, hopelessness often comes from feeling that ADHD will always impact you, and in inconsistent ways that are hard to anticipate..... My Non-ADHD support group series begins June 17, 2019. Submit your topics & I'll choose 1-2 per week for in-depth exploration. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I recently saw Scott Kelly speak about his experiences growing up.  He struggled in much the way many with ADHD struggle (he says he most likely has ADHD) – difficulty in school, trouble paying attention.  Things didn’t come easily to him.  He failed some of the first navy tests that he needed to pass in order to become a pilot.  Some in authority suggested he try something else.  But he had a passion for flying, and kept at it.

He has other qualities often associated with ADHD, too – he’s a dreamer.  He’s intrepid and personable.  He perseveres on that which genuinely interests him.

One of the most important parts of succeeding with ADHD is engaging with what you have a passion for and persevering.  It provides direction, and the reward that fires up the ADHD brain.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.