Compassion

ADHD & Marriage News - March 12, 2019

Quote of the Week
“Compassion isn’t about solutions. It’s about giving all the love you’ve got."
- Sheryl Strayed
Compassion
I will readily admit that there have been times in my marriage when I did not feel ANY compassion towards my husband. He was being horrible towards me – why give him something back that felt ‘soft,’ such as compassion? So, instead, I gave as good as I got. Hounding him, berating him, withholding affection, trying any way I could to move him into a place of greater action and responsibility for our family.
As you all know, this approach failed miserably. Not just for me, but for every single person I’ve ever seen try to use it. And, sadly, that’s pretty much every person I’ve ever consulted with.
One of the reasons to get well-educated about how ADHD – and responses to ADHD – impact relationships is that understanding provides room for feeling more compassion and empathy towards your ADHD or non-ADHD partner. It’s really hard to have ADHD. And it’s really hard to live with someone who has ADHD. Over and over again I’ve seen relationships soften as people have learned the ‘whys’ of how their relationship functions…as well as ‘how’ to address the issues. Finding room for compassion is an important base or building block creating a new, and better, love together. Being compassionate may feel like weakness if you are in a relationship war. But it is actually a place of strength and building. I found that I had to dig deep to find all the love I needed to go there…but that when I did, good things happened to both me (I was back on track to being the person I wanted to be) and to my husband (who felt more heard and respected and therefore started improving his own behavior.)
Do you have the love in you to seek compassion for your ADHD or non-ADHD partner’s situation?
Live Couples' Seminar - The ADHD Effect In-Depth - starts March 26th, exactly 2 weeks from TODAY. Don't delay...
"Your emotional intelligence, patience, and the way you handle the questions before, during, and after your presentation are really nothing short of amazing. Thank you for helping improve our lives...!"
"I'm finding the sessions are saving my marriage and want to thank you."
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
Seminars and Groups
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts March 26, 2019.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? Check out How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group both run 8 consecutive weeks.
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
![]() |
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
Are You a Victim of ADHD?

ADHD & Marriage News - March 6, 2019

Quote of the Week
“If you think of yourself as a victim then you have given control of your life to another person."
- Condoleeza Rice, talking about what her parents taught her
Are You a Victim of ADHD?
Rice was speaking about the issues she experienced growing up in a racially-segregated south, but I think her words are also very relevant for couples impacted by ADHD.
I’ve talked with many non-ADHD partners who think they are victims of their partner’s ADHD behaviors. That they must take over all of the responsibilities for the family because their ADHD-impacted partner won’t or can’t, for example (not true, btw, but an understandable assumption.)
I’ve also talked with plenty of ADHD partners who suggest they are victims of ADHD and ‘can’t do anything about it.’
While I understand the temptation to feel that way, do you want to give all that control to the ADHD??? This seems irrational to me, particularly when research shows that treatment of adult ADHD can result in a ‘normalization’ or ‘significant improvement’ of symptoms in up to 80% of adults who have it. My own consulting practice demonstrates that couples working together can balance out responsibilities and live well with ADHD.
The problem with the victim mentality is that it leads you to paralysis and inaction. “I’m a victim and I can’t do anything about that” means you will make no progress, just stay in a pool of resentment. So if you are feeling that way, try to move yourself out of that state by trying these approaches (demonstrated to work):
- Get fully educated about ADHD – there is lots of scientifically accurate information available at my site and other places. Consider my couples seminar (starts March 26th), in which you get to ask me all of your questions, as well as get the latest information
- Optimize treatment for ADHD. The free treatment e-book on my home page can get you started.
- Look for your strengths…and strengthen them further. This is a great way to get away from feeling like a (weak) victim.
- Get professional help from someone who understands ADHD and can, in turn help you understand yours better. That might be a therapist or coach – good recommendations for both are in my ADHD-savvy professionals section.
- Start a gratitude practice – this will help you look for the positive in your life. Use a journal and once a day finish this sentence three times: “I am grateful for…” Reflect a bit on those things if you can. Read more on gratitude here.
NO ONE needs to be a victim of ADHD. Please use the resources available to you to get out of that horrible and restrictive place if you are in it.
Upcoming ADHD Resources:
- My couples seminar starts March 26th
- Next Non-ADHD support group series starts March 20th
- Free webinar with me and ADDClasses.com: Balancing ADHD and Non-ADHD needs. Access it for free until 3/23
- ADHD and Women: 30 experts including me
- Parenting ADHD Children: Calm and Connected: Parenting the Child You Have© 7-Session Workshop Series begins March 14th
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Seminars and Groups
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts March 26, 2019.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? Check out How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group both run 8 consecutive weeks.
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
![]() |
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
Happiness and All That

ADHD & Marriage News - February 28, 2019

Quote of the Week
“Happiness is a choice and a set of skills."
- Mary Pipher, psychologist and author of Reviving Ophelia
Happiness and All That
My mother passed away in 2008 and, soon after, my father chose a partner who is the most intentionally happy person I have ever met. It has been a wonderful experience to observe how she absorbs bad news, thinks about how she wants to respond, and then takes action to create a happier path. When I saw this quote it reminded me of her. Without a doubt she chooses to be happy rather than sad or angry, and she applies a set of skills she has been honing for a lifetime.
What are those skills? Here are a few:
- Actively looking for the positive every day
- Taking responsibility for creating your own happiness and putting boundaries around that so that others can’t ‘steal it away’
- Reflecting on what you love to do and pursuing it – so that your life is filled with activities that make you happy
- Exercising (which is a mood stabilizer) and getting outdoors whenever possible (also a mood stabilizer)
- Connecting with others every day
I don’t wish to suggest that this is a Pollyanna-ish approach to life. She doesn’t shy away from addressing the problems she faces. Instead, her view is that she wants to live her life in happiness, and in spite of any issues, she is going to work hard to help that happen.
Could you do the same?
Learn Happiness skills!! - The next Non-ADHD support group series begins March 20th and the Spring session of my Live Couples Seminar starts March 26th. Don't Delay!
Are you parenting a challenging child? Gain insights, tools, and strategies to manage your child's ADHD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, and Executive Function challenges. Learn more.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Seminars and Groups
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts March 26, 2019.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? Check out How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group begins March 20th and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group will start soon.
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
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Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
The First Time

ADHD & Marriage News - February 7, 2019

Quote of the Week
“When is the last time you did something for the first time?"
- Darius Rucker
The First Time
One of the hardest parts of struggling in your relationship may be that as the two of you work hard to try to fix things, you spend a large amount of your time focused on your problems. It may be, in fact, that you’ve forgotten to have fun together.
Yet marital research would suggest that one of the better ways to connect with each other is to do something ‘new and challenging’ together. (Hint – going out to dinner may be fun, but it doesn’t qualify as ‘new and challenging!’) Other research suggests that you need five positive interactions for every negative interaction you have in order to have a healthy relationship. Having some fun can help you create that ratio.
I’ve long talked with seminar participants about trying to lighten up their lives a bit to remember why they love each other. Some of the things they’ve added to their lives that were ‘new and challenging’ include: Learning to rollerblade at Venice Beach, CA; taking dancing lessons together; trying out camping and more. The fact that these are energetic, and often outside, helps, too.
What could you do – for the first time – that would help connect you and your partner? Think about it, then go have some fun!
Need more loving suggestions? My phone Seminar for Couples Impacted by ADHD starts March 26th. This is my premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples. The 8 Sessions help Rebuild Trust, Deal with Anger, and Tap into Joy and Hope. Registration is Open.
Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group starts Feb 18, 2019
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Seminars and Groups
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts March 26, 2019.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? Check out How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group both run 8 consecutive weeks.
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
![]() |
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
Stop Watering the Weeds

ADHD & Marriage News - January 31, 2019

Quote of the Week
“Getting past the disappointment about what I THOUGHT my marriage would be - that was hard."
- woman posting in the forum at ADHDmarriage.com about learning to be herself again
Stop Watering the Weeds
I have been in this same place – I envisioned a marriage that would resemble the hyper-focus courtship that I had with my husband. A life-long experience where my husband was always attentive and empathetic, where we explored the world every day, and he even continued to love cooking. It was a shock when the hyperfocus wore off, and I was dropped into the distracted, lonely days of my early marriage.
It is important to know yourself when you get to this place, rather than get lost in your relationship and disappointment. This ‘getting lost’ is much easier to do that you might think. You single-mindedly dedicate yourself to making your relationship better, or ‘improving’ your partner (as I did) and suddenly all of your interests, friendships and even happy feelings have been over-run by your problems and plans for improvements. That’s ‘lost’ in your relationship.
You need to know yourself in order to have the strength of voice and intention that allows you to re-find happiness from within. Strength to understand that your partner is free to choose his or her own path (whether you like it or not). Ready to try your hardest and see what happens.
It’s healthy to grieve for the relationship you thought you had, but don’t. Then, take some time to accept where you are and (very importantly) seek out what is good. Okay, so you don’t have what you thought you would have. But, what DO you have? What’s still great? What can be built? Where’s the untapped potential? All of those questions come after you’ve reached acceptance.
Yes, it might be hard, but it’s a great way to move forward.
Ready for acceptance? A support group for Non-ADHD partners starts February 18th.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Seminars and Groups
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? Consider my How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group.
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
![]() |
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
Your Social Network is Important!

ADHD & Marriage News - January 23, 2019

Quote of the Week
“I argue that the most powerful thing you can do to add healthy years is to curate your immediate social network,” said Mr. Buettner, who advises people to focus on three to five real-world friends rather than distant Facebook friends. “In general you want friends with whom you can have a meaningful conversation,” he said. “You can call them on a bad day and they will care. Your group of friends are better than any drug or anti-aging supplement, and will do more for you than just about anything."
Your Social Network is Important!
Dr. Ned Hallowell likes to talk about pruning the naysayers – that it’s okay to move away from who bring you down. We all have enough trouble keeping our lives together as it is!
Parker Pope’s article talks about the science of having positive people in your life based upon the work that Dan Buettner, a National Geographic Explorer who has been studying longevity in Japan, has been doing. In a nutshell, having strong, supportive connections adds years to your life unlike just about anything else.
This is a problem for ADHD-impacted couples. Those with ADHD split their attention between many things and may have trouble making the repeated connections with others that sustain long-term, deep relationships. Further, distracting social networks can lead to a lot of distracted, shallow ‘touches’ with others but little depth.
Non-ADHD partners often tell me they feel isolated by the struggles they are experiencing and by the fact that few outside their relationships understand. Or, as one woman recently wrote me – ‘friends and pastors do not believe we have as serious a problem as we have. He is so likeable and charming.’ And, trying to deal with household responsibilities, depression and anger often subsumes even one’s most important social relationships.
If this is happening to you, it’s time to reverse course. Think of this as ‘treatment’ for yourself. Reconnect with your best friend. Call him or her and get together. Connect with others who ‘get’ ADHD. (You can do this in my support groups and seminars.) Pair away the people who ask of you, but give little.
Think of it as the life-extending, critical activity that it is, and put it ahead of other tasks that ‘seem’ more important due to deadlines. Most often, they aren’t.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Seminars and Groups
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next Live session starts March 26, 2019.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? Consider my How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group both run 8 consecutive weeks.
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
![]() |
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
ADHD Doesn’t Cause Divorce

ADHD & Marriage News - January 16, 2019

Quote of the Week
“If you don’t take responsibility for your mistakes, you never grow up. You never learn…taking responsibility and forgiving yourself and others are two of the critical things about getting old."
- Jane Fonda
ADHD Doesn’t Cause Divorce
When you think about forgiveness you may think about forgiving other people. But equally – perhaps even more – important is forgiving yourself. To do this, you need to get out of personal denial and acknowledge that there is something that needs forgiving. In ADHD impacted relationships it’s not just ADHD – it’s also responses to ADHD that creates the problems. In my case, for example, I was so angry about his symptomatic behaviors that I treated my husband horribly for a number of years. It feels horrible to admit that I was an emotional abuser. And yet…I was.
My husband also had many areas where he could have done much better by me – angry, dismissive outbursts; affairs, and more.
The only way to heal from this sort of emotional pain is to: BOTH own what you have done; acknowledge your poor behavior with your partner; apologize to him/her; and forgive yourself.
In my case, and perhaps in yours, I can honestly say that I responded to undiagnosed ADHD symptoms as most people do. I tried hard to fix things and did the best I could do in the situation. I now understand the effect of ADHD and responses to ADHD on us both…but that doesn’t mean my behavior was okay. It was still emotional abuse and there is no justification for that.
Forgiving yourself – and your partner – is critical to moving forward. Having your partner forgive you, and him/herself is equally important.
Or, as I like to say, ‘ADHD doesn’t cause divorce, denial does.’ If either of you stay in denial of your own impact on your partner, you are unlikely to find the love you seek.
If you or your partner need to learn more about how to deal with ADHD and responses to ADHD, one of the best resources available is my live couples seminar – which is started YESTERDAY JANUARY 15. No, it's not too late to join us - sessions are recorded so up to 2 missed sessions are OK. Details are here. Let me do the work of helping you both overcome denial and improve your lives together.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Seminars and Groups
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session started January 15, 2019.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? Consider my How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group both run 8 consecutive Tuesdays @ 8:30pm EDT, 1/15 - 3/5, 2019
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
![]() |
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
Married vs. Life Partners

ADHD & Marriage News - January 9, 2019

Quote of the Week
“We have all these expectations. “Oh, this is what a husband is. This is what a wife is.” I started dissolving all the ideas and expectations (when I changed from moving from ‘married’ to ‘life partners.’)"
- Jada Pinkett Smith
Married vs. Life Partners
I know that when I entered my marriage I had subtle – and not so subtle – expectations about what my marriage would look like which were often based on unrecognized gender stereotypes. I see this regularly with my couples:
• A woman who is distressed to be the primary earner in her family
• A man who has an ADHD-related shopping addiction
• An expectation that you would support each other, and talk things out (like girlfriends so easily do) when there were difficulties between you
• That a husband will always want sex, no matter what
• That a woman will be in charge of the household and task distribution
Pinkett Smith used a technique that I recommend to all of my couples – stop thinking about roles and expectations of what ‘husbands’ and ‘wives’ should do, and start thinking about who each of you are as people. I’m working with a couple right now in which the non-ADHD wife is great at anticipating next steps and seeing the big picture, while her ADHD husband is better at details. And yet she says “why do I have to be the one to anticipate all of this stuff? Why should I lead?” The answer is ‘because you do it so well…and aren’t you lucky that your partner has a complementary skill set?’
Thinking about your partner as a ‘life partner’ rather than ‘married to me (and therefore should do the things husbands/wives do)’ is really healthy. Who is this person? What does s/he do best? What do I do best? How do we accommodate areas of mutual weakness? What do I love about this special person? These are all questions you might ask, replacing less positive questions, such as “Why isn’t my husband planning dates as men are supposed to do?”
Yes, I know there is nuance, and I’m not suggesting one partner needs to always be in charge. Rather, I’m suggesting that a great way to support your relationship is to assess what skills you both possess, regardless of gender or social expectations, and work from there. When you see yourselves more clearly, and stop saying “ought to” and “should” you will both feel more loved.
Where are your expectations getting in your way?
What do you do best? How about your spouse? Let's work together to move from “ought to” to "more loved". My January ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Live Seminar starts January 15, 2019. Don't delay - a better relationship starts NEXT WEEK.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Seminars and Groups
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts January 15, 2019.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship started January 3, 2019.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group both run 8 consecutive Tuesdays @ 8:30pm EDT, 1/15 - 3/5, 2019
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
![]() |
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
Say Yes

ADHD & Marriage News - January 2, 2019

Quote of the Week
“The very act of saying yes is not just life-changing, it is life-saving. The years of saying no were, for me, an easy withdrawal from the world. A way to disappear.
Saying yes is courage. Saying yes is the sun. Saying yes is life…"
- Rhonda Rhimes, author of A Year of Yes
Say Yes
I remember my own years of saying ‘no.’ I felt confined. I felt like the ‘bad guy’ in the family. My kids even joked about ‘mean mom coming out of the glove compartment’ one day in the car when I was particularly cranky.
You don’t have to say ‘yes’ all the time, as Rhimes did for her book experiment. But what would happen if you said ‘yes’ 50% more?
And, no, I’m not talking about saying yes to anything that puts you or your family in danger, or that will ruin you financially. I’m not suggesting you become stupid…only more open to the possibilities that life sends your way.
Here’s what I discovered when I started to say ‘yes’ much more often. ‘No’ was getting in my way. ‘No’ took away my power. ‘No’ kept me isolated.
I dare you – try it!
Say YES to a better relationship in 2019 - and beyond. My January seminar and support groups will transform your relationship. ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Live Seminar starts January 15, 2019. A support group for Non-ADHD partners starts TOMORROW January 3rd; the diminishing Anger tele-seminar starts TOMORROW January 3rd.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Seminars and Groups
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts January 15, 2019.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? The next session of How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship starts January 3, 2019.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
![]() |
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |
The Lion…

ADHD & Marriage News - December 19, 2018

Quote of the Week
“Worry, anxiety, fear, and terror are stress – “There’s a lion! Run!”
Irritation, annoyance, frustration, anger, and rage are stress – “There’s a lion – kill it!”
Emotional numbness, shutdown, depression, and despair are stress – “There’s a lion! Play dead!”
And none of these indicates that now is a good time to get laid."
- Emily Nagoski
The Lion…
There are a whole lot of reason so many couples impacted by ADHD don't have good sex lives, and many of them are listed in the quote above.
Your sex life is your relationship’s canary in the mine. Even before you know things are going poorly, your sex life suffers. After you’ve been struggling a while, forget it!
Here’s the good news. You can get it back. But first you have to slay a few lions. Focus on your relationship, learn about ADHD and it’s impact, get out of the common patterns, have enough fun experiences that you remember why you were attracted to each other in the first place.
Then you have a choice to make – start slow (outside the bedroom) and rebuild your sex life with touch and verbal affection, or ‘sandblast’ the old sex life and start over. Either one can work. I chose the latter. At some point I decided – overtly – to drop the sex life baggage and focus on one thing only – having fun in bed. No worries about ‘deep meaning.’ No critiquing my (or my husband’s) performance. Put aside my concerns about ADHD issues. Just sex.
For me, that worked. We started to remember how to have fun. We both started to feel appreciated. The neurochemicals released at orgasm (primarily Oxytocin) started to help us feel more connected.
If you’re ready to improve your sex life, one good resource is Nagoski’s book, Come As You Are. It is the best book I’ve ever read on the topic of women’s sexual health. It wisely and compassionately encourages women to learn more about their own desire.
Connecting is critical! My January seminar and support groups will transform your relationship. ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Live session starts January 15, 2019. Support groups for ADHD and Non-ADHD groups also start in January.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Seminars and Groups
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts January 15, 2019.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? The next session of How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship starts January 3, 2019.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group both run 8 consecutive Tuesdays @ 8:30pm EDT, 1/15 - 3/5, 2019
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
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Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Questions? Contact us |