Weekly Marriage Tips

I know that when I entered my marriage I had subtle – and not so subtle – expectations about what my marriage would look like which were often based on unrecognized gender stereotypes.  I see this regularly with my couples:

• A woman who is distressed to be the primary earner in her family

• A man who has an ADHD-related shopping addiction

• An expectation that you would support each other, and talk things out (like girlfriends so easily do) when there were difficulties between you

• That a husband will always want sex, no matter what

• That a woman will be in charge of the household and task distribution

Pinkett Smith used a technique that I recommend to all of my couples – stop thinking about roles and expectations of what ‘husbands’ and ‘wives’ should do, and start thinking about who each of you are as people.  I’m working with a couple right now in which the non-ADHD wife is great at anticipating next steps and seeing the big picture, while her ADHD husband is better at details.  And yet she says “why do I have to be the one to anticipate all of this stuff?  Why should I lead?”  The answer is ‘because you do it so well…and aren’t you lucky that your partner has a complementary skill set?’

Thinking about your partner as a ‘life partner’ rather than ‘married to me (and therefore should do the things husbands/wives do)’ is really healthy.  Who is this person?  What does s/he do best?  What do I do best?  How do we accommodate areas of mutual weakness?  What do I love about this special person?  These are all questions you might ask, replacing less positive questions, such as “Why isn’t my husband planning dates as men are supposed to do?”

Yes, I know there is nuance, and I’m not suggesting one partner needs to always be in charge.  Rather, I’m suggesting that a great way to support your relationship is to assess what skills you both possess, regardless of gender or social expectations, and work from there.  When you see yourselves more clearly, and stop saying “ought to” and “should” you will both feel more loved.

Where are your expectations getting in your way?

What do you do best? How about your spouse? Let's work together to move from “ought to” to "more loved".  My January ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Live Seminar starts January 15, 2019. Don't delay - a better relationship starts NEXT WEEK.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Seminars and Groups

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts January 15, 2019.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship started January 3, 2019.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group both run 8 consecutive Tuesdays @ 8:30pm EDT, 1/15 - 3/5, 2019

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I remember my own years of saying ‘no.’  I felt confined.  I felt like the ‘bad guy’ in the family.  My kids even joked about ‘mean mom coming out of the glove compartment’ one day in the car when I was particularly cranky.

You don’t have to say ‘yes’ all the time, as Rhimes did for her book experiment.  But what would happen if you said ‘yes’ 50% more?

And, no, I’m not talking about saying yes to anything that puts you or your family in danger, or that will ruin you financially.  I’m not suggesting you become stupid…only more open to the possibilities that life sends your way.

Here’s what I discovered when I started to say ‘yes’ much more often.  ‘No’ was getting in my way.  ‘No’ took away my power.  ‘No’ kept me isolated.

I dare you – try it!

Say YES to a better relationship in 2019 - and beyond. My January seminar and support groups will transform your relationship. ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Live Seminar starts January 15, 2019. A support group for Non-ADHD partners starts TOMORROW January 3rd; the diminishing Anger tele-seminar starts TOMORROW January 3rd. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Seminars and Groups

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts January 15, 2019.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? The next session of How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship starts January 3, 2019.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

There are a whole lot of reason so many couples impacted by ADHD don't have good sex lives, and many of them are listed in the quote above.

Your sex life is your relationship’s canary in the mine.  Even before you know things are going poorly, your sex life suffers.  After you’ve been struggling a while, forget it!

Here’s the good news.  You can get it back.  But first you have to slay a few lions.  Focus on your relationship, learn about ADHD and it’s impact, get out of the common patterns, have enough fun experiences that you remember why you were attracted to each other in the first place.

Then you have a choice to make – start slow (outside the bedroom) and rebuild your sex life with touch and verbal affection, or ‘sandblast’ the old sex life and start over.  Either one can work.  I chose the latter.  At some point I decided – overtly – to drop the sex life baggage and focus on one thing only – having fun in bed.  No worries about ‘deep meaning.’  No critiquing my (or my husband’s) performance.  Put aside my concerns about ADHD issues.  Just sex.

For me, that worked.  We started to remember how to have fun.  We both started to feel appreciated.  The neurochemicals released at orgasm (primarily Oxytocin) started to help us feel more connected.

If you’re ready to improve your sex life, one good resource is Nagoski’s book, Come As You Are.  It is the best book I’ve ever read on the topic of women’s sexual health.  It wisely and compassionately encourages women to learn more about their own desire.

Connecting is critical! My January seminar and support groups will transform your relationship. ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Live session starts January 15, 2019. Support groups for ADHD and Non-ADHD groups also start in January. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Seminars and Groups

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts January 15, 2019.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? The next session of How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship starts January 3, 2019.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group both run 8 consecutive Tuesdays @ 8:30pm EDT, 1/15 - 3/5, 2019

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

“I’m never going to be good enough.”

“I’ve never been able to do that.”

“I’m a fraud and others will figure that out if I’m not perfect.  I can’t let down my guard.”

These are just a few of the comments I’ve heard from adults with ADHD who suffer from self-esteem issues.  They develop these issues over time, as people they respect (teachers, parents, partners) tell them they could do a better job if they would just try harder.

Soon, they take on the injury as their own – reopening the wound at regular intervals with negative self-talk.

If you suffer this way, consider trying one of these approaches:

• Cognitive behavioral therapy works to help patients quiet the negative voices that interfere with their lives

• Internal family systems therapy – this is a form of therapy that helps patients understand their many internal mental ideas, or ‘parts.’  In so doing, they can ‘befriend’ their parts and stop being victim to their whims

• Optimizing ADHD treatment.  Sometimes negative thoughts are around ADHD symptomatic behaviors – when you improve the behaviors with better treatment, the opportunity for negative thoughts diminishes.

Might any of these approaches work for you?

Registration is Now Open:

Interested in improving your relationship; learning new strategies to communicate better with each other; finding more love and affection…then now is the time to register for my upcoming ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples Seminar which starts JANUARY 15th.

Are you the non-ADHD partner? My Non-ADHD Partner Support Group focuses on one or two topics a week that are submitted by group members for in-depth exploration.  Participants support each other, explore their biggest issues and most pressing problems, and get expert advice from Melissa each week. Starts JANUARY 3rd. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Seminars and Groups

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts January 15, 2019.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? The next session of How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship starts January 3, 2019.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group both run 8 consecutive Tuesdays @ 8:30pm EDT, 1/15 - 3/5, 2019

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

It’s easy to disregard another person’s feelings, particularly if we can’t imagine feeling that way in the same situation.  Here are some examples from my own past:

Me:  “I’m feeling lonely and unloved.”

Him:  “But you shouldn’t.  Of course I love you.”

Him:  “I don’t (feel I) want to do that right now.”

Me:  “Well you should!  It’s important!”

The words “should” and “shouldn’t” are big red flags waving in your relationship.  Any time you hear them, back up and examine what just happened.  Because the reality is we each get to set the direction of our own lives.  NO ONE else should (!) be trying to dictate either feelings or actions.  We all define our own lives, for better or for worse.

That was a hard idea for me to wrap my mind around when I was feeling as if ADHD was stomping all over my life.  I didn’t feel at all as if I was defining my life.  But I was.  It was my choice to stay.  It was my choice to pursue my husband and demand he shape up rather than find a counselor to help us work through our differences.  Likewise, it was his choice to ignore (and then resist) me.  His choice to shut me out rather than engage.

I wish, rather than tell my husband what he should or shouldn’t do and what he should or shouldn’t feel, that I had focused on my own actions and feelings.  If we had both done so, I’m convinced we would have had far fewer years of struggle.

Are you trying to dictate what your partner should or should not feel or do?

Are you the Non-ADHD Partner? Find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group - starts in January.

Do both of you need help better engaging? My live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts in January too!

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Seminars and Groups

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts January 15, 2019.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? The next session of How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship starts January 3, 2019.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group both run 8 consecutive Tuesdays @ 8:30pm EDT, 1/15 - 3/5, 2019

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Abuelaish founded Daughters for Life after an Israeli tank shelled his home in the Gaza Strip and killed his three daughters.  I cannot imagine the pain in this event nor how you keep yourself from becoming bitter.  His response – to create good – is inspiring.  He became an advocate for peace via empowering and educating women in the area to end the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

I also think his premise – that hatred and war only create losers – is relevant for struggling relationships.  Rages, criticisms, attacks, frustration all lead into negative downward spirals of problem-response-response---and harden us from being able to be compassionate.

How do you get out of a relationship ‘war’ if you are in one?  First, get educated about ADHD and responses to ADHD.  (My couples seminar is a great place to start if you haven’t taken it yet.)  Next, focus on yourself.  You can’t control your partner, but what can you do to seek compromise?  To find the positives?  To experience more joy?  Finally, you can decide that you no longer wish to fight.  Instead of engaging, set up a verbal cue to de-escalate disagreements.  Politely walk away.  Be careful to be sensitive when bringing up difficult conversations.

You must come to a mutual understanding if your relationship is to survive, let alone thrive.

What are you most often at war about, and how might you de-escalate the situation?

Need help ending the "war"?  My couples seminar PLUS a special series for couples who have completed the couples seminar - both start in January 2019. Also starting in January are support groups for ADHD and Non-ADHD partners, and my anger workshop.  Is it time to thrive?

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts January 15, 2019.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? The next session starts January 3, 2019.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I have been in this same place – I envisioned a marriage that would resemble the hyper-focus courtship that I had with my husband.  A life-long experience where my husband was always attentive and empathetic, where we explored the world every day, and he even continued to love cooking.  It was a shock when the hyperfocus wore off, and I was dropped into the distracted, lonely days of my early marriage. 

It is important to know yourself when you get to this place, rather than get lost in your relationship and disappointment.  This ‘getting lost’ is much easier to do that you might think.  You single-mindedly dedicate yourself to making your relationship better, or ‘improving’ your partner (as I did) and suddenly all of your interests, friendships and even happy feelings have been over-run by your problems and plans for improvements.  That’s ‘lost’ in your relationship.

You need to know yourself in order to have the strength of voice and intention that allows you to re-find happiness from within.  Strength to understand that your partner is free to choose his or her own path (whether you like it or not).  Ready to try your hardest and see what happens.

It’s healthy to grieve for the relationship you thought you had, but don’t.  Then, take some time to accept where you are and (very importantly) seek out what is good.  Okay, so you don’t have what you thought you would have.  But, what DO you have?  What’s still great?  What can be built?  Where’s the untapped potential?  All of those questions come after you’ve reached acceptance.  

Yes, it might be hard, but it’s a great way to move forward.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Seminars and Groups

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts January 15, 2019.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? The next session of How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship starts January 3, 2019.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group both run 8 consecutive Tuesdays @ 8:30pm EDT, 1/15 - 3/5, 2019

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

There are two types of walls I would like you to consider.  The first is the wall you build up to avoid incremental pain.  Your partner has hurt you with ADHD symptoms – or with angry responses to ADHD – and you can no longer engage.   You put up a wall and retreat.  Ironically, once behind this wall it is almost impossible to improve your situation because you must engage with your partner in order to change your interactions.  You will continue to suffer.

The second kind of wall is reflexive defensiveness.  This wall is typically learned over time in a difficult relationship.  This wall is the instant trigger or an inability to open oneself up to listen.  Every interaction devolves into a frustrating battle and you feel more and more attacked.

Nagoski has it exactly right.  Ultimately, walls don’t help you.  The only way to find joy in your life is to be willing to engage – something that you cannot do from behind a wall.

Are you hiding behind a wall?

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts in January 2019.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

If you have ADHD, Covey’s comment is critically important, and very hard to pull off.  ADHD means that you often get distracted from what you are doing, that it’s hard to stay organized, and that you have trouble focusing on what’s important, vs. what feels good at that very moment.

But if you don’t schedule your priorities, as Covey suggests, you will lose track of your partner.  How many times have you heard “we just grew apart” about a couple that ended up divorcing?  Most likely, they forgot that their most important priority was each other, not their projects, chores or work.

Your partner is most likely your number one priority.  Do you have a schedule of time to ‘attend’ to each other?  If not, you need to start.  Literally.  Write things into your schedule, and stick to them!  Consider any of the following:

• Every other week date night – schedule them all (including a regular babysitter), and alternate who plans

• Saturday or Sunday afternoon couple time, during which you pledge to have an adventure or do something together you both agree you such as go for a hike and chat

• Breakfast together without the morning news or paper

• Nightly dinner sitting at a table, with no cell phones in sight

• Parents’ morning.  You both stay in bed, and kids have special permission to watch TV or play video games and eat protein bars for breakfast…as long as they don’t disturb you

• Monthly parent play dates – partner with close friends who have kids of similar ages.  Once a month one set of parents takes all the kids for 2-3 hours, freeing you up to do…whatever you wish (hopefully, fun and some sort of focusing on each other.)

And here’s one more tip – while you are scheduling each other in, don’t get too hung up on who ‘leads’ on this.  You both win when you are together, having fun, and remembering what you love about each other.  If the more organized partner has to initiate the discussion about what to do, so be it.

January will be the start of 4 groups: Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar, my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship Seminar, ADHD Support Group - New Habit Group Coaching  and a Non-ADHD Support Group.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts January 15, 2019.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

One of the mistakes I made earlier in my marriage is that I tried to ‘improve’ my husband.  In my mind, he did a whole lot of things wrong, and if I could only show him how to do them better, he would be ‘saved’ from his own worst instincts.

It didn’t work.  And, in retrospect, I am amazed by the amount of hubris it took to even think that way.

Later, I learned to effect change in my own life in a different way – by having faith that my husband could, if he were genuinely interested, be different with me.  That he could – and perhaps would – find a path that was ‘right’ for him, and also excellent for me.  I needed to communicate my dreams for me – for us – and work with him to create a better future together.  One that took his desires and approach into account in equal amounts to my own.

I learned to trust that if he wished to be a great partner, he could.  For him, that meant taming the parts of his ADHD that got in the way of his being a good partner to anyone, including me.  That’s not impossible, but it does take a lot of effort and he had to decide, from deep inside himself, that he really wanted to do it.

And, if he didn’t wish to be a partner whom I adored, then I had the ability to move on.  In essence, I stood firmly in my hopes that he was actually the compassionate, caring, fun man I thought I had married and that he could get back to being that person if I, too, contributed my own ‘best self’ to our relationship.

It took a long time to get there and, ironically, one of the most helpful tools for me was coming to grips with the idea that I was NOT a victim.  I made choices every day that directly impacted what my life looked like…including how to behave towards my partner, how to respond when I felt lonely or ADHD started to take over, what tasks to take on, how compassionate to be towards him and others…whether or not to seek to hold onto love or to give in to resentment.

You cannot save your partner from him or herself.  And you cannot force your partner to change.  You can only hold onto your dreams and values, treat your partner with compassion, support his or her attempts to live his/her best life, and see what happens.  It’s not easy, but the result – that each of you ‘own’ your own life and make it what you genuinely want it to be, is worth it.

Free ADHD expo. Watch me and my husband George. This is the first time that we have been on video together! "3 Things You Need to know about ADHD and your Relationship with Melissa and George Orlov". We join many, many ADHD experts for free advice, tips and offers - register now. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next Live session starts early 2019.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.