Weekly Marriage Tips

How many people have told me that by listening to what their body is telling them, they do better throughout their day?!  Many with ADHD are ‘night owls’, while many non-ADHD partners are ‘larks.’

Please don’t try to impose your circadian rhythm on your partner!

That said, this combo brings up issues with connection.  If you never see each other because you are on different biological clocks, you will have trouble remaining connected.  And, if the night owl isn’t getting enough sleep, then s/he will suffer from the problems of sleep deprivation, which include mental lethargy, an increase in ADHD symptoms, increased irritability and, in my observation, a lessened connection with one’s partner as all of the above take over.

So…do listen to your body – and not only what time of day it functions best, but also in that it needs more sleep than what you may be getting right now.

I am a guest expert on the ADHD Parents’ Palooza July 29 – August 3, 2019
 Online. Free! Register Now. 

Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

One of the great things about ADHD is having an innate ability to live in the moment.  But Goethe’s quote has a feel of ‘savoring the moment’ to it that I think can get lost in the ‘now and not now’ time zones of ADHD.  Those with ADHD are ‘in the moment’ because their brains are so attuned to instant rewards of responding to what’s immediately around them.  That’s not the same thing as slowing down and savoring.

So the question becomes – how do you learn to savor the moment more?  Mindfulness is the answer to that question.  With mindfulness training, you can slow yourself down a bit, and take a pause – long enough to up your enjoyment of what you are doing.  Mindfulness is also helpful for emotional regulation, better sleep, and more.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE session begins in October 2019.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Research suggests that, on average, we grow consistently less happy from about age 25 until about age 55, then our feelings of happiness start to improve.  At 65, there is a split – one group continues to get happier, while the other starts to become less happy (as they start to feel less relevant in the world.)

One of the factors that contributes to the rise in happiness in your 50s is that your child-rearing responsibilities (and also household responsibilities more generally) lessen.  There is less stress, and you have a lot more maturity and understanding of each other.

My husband and I have experienced what Gottman describes now that we are empty nesters, and I love it.  Less stress means that my husband actually doesn’t have to take the mood stabilizing medications he used to take (though he has found that he has to add behavioral strategies for those times when his stress does rise…so he’s still managing his emotional lability – just in a new way).  We get to ride bikes and go on adventures together – always a sweet spot for the two of us.  And it doesn’t matter as much if either one of us puts off a project, or changes our mind.  Yes, as we age, we are both more forgetful, but we are also kinder to each other.

I hope that you find a similar ‘surprise’ as you and your partner age.

I am one of the experts today on the Parenting ADHD Summit. Learn from me and 27 other Top ADHD experts. Register now for free.

The Spanish translation of The ADHD Effect on Marriage is now available. Kindle version only.  

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

This is a variation of something going around the internet, but the idea is a good one.  It ties into my idea of giving your ‘best self’ to your relationship.  None of us is perfect (by a long shot!) but we can try hard to contribute our ‘best selves’ to our relationship.  And then, once you do – loving your partner with everything you have – it’s easier to see what sort of relationship you have.  Or don’t have.

What happens if ‘everything you have’ isn’t good enough for your partner?  My first response would be to talk to your partner about what you do offer, and how you do love them…and request that they consider the positives.

You might also seek counseling.  Because if one partner – doing the absolute best they can - is ‘not enough’ for the other partner, then that may end your relationship. You may simply not be well matched.  You may need a professional to see if the ‘you’re not enough’ statement is actually true.

How do you tell when you are giving ‘everything you have?’  I think each person knows inside themselves if that is the case.  Have you genuinely engaged?  Have you taken your partner’s concerns to heart and tried to respond in a loving way?  Have you sought professional help?

Where are you on this journey?

Are YOU giving ‘everything you have?’ My Non-ADHD support group series begins June 17, 2019 and they Fall '19 session of the Couples Seminar starts in October.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Too often, when seeking answers to difficult questions or situations, couples find themselves in opposition to each other, rather than on the same team.  You argue, and feel as if you are right, and your partner is wrong.  That’s an ‘or’ conversation.  It’s either your way OR my way.  We have a lot of that going on in the national conversation right now, too.

Think about how different that is from believing that you both have good ideas – or even the right to hold those ideas - even if you don’t agree on all aspects of those ideas!  That’s an ‘and’ conversation.  There may be a solution in combining parts of your idea AND my idea.

Next time you disagree, I encourage you to overtly seek the ‘and’ in your conversation.  It is very often there, though sometimes to find it you have to look underneath the superficial topic of conversation.  For example, you might be arguing about the kids’ bedtime.  Underneath that, there is an ‘and’ – you both want the best for your kids.  If you start there it changes the conversation, as well as your feelings about the conversation.  Suddenly, even though you disagree on the details, the conversation feels more productive and you are more likely to get to a place that you can both live with.

When could you seek ‘and’?

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next session starts in October 2019.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Curiosity is a really great thing in life, and also in your relationship.  As O’Connor suggests, there is a great deal to be gained from being curious about the world around you.  I would suggest that there is just as much to gain by being curious about your partner and his or her opinions.

So much so, in fact, that I teach couples a conversational technique called ‘Curiosity Conversations.’  In a curiosity conversation one partner starts with a topic in which they are interested – perhaps 5-7 sentences about their feelings or concerns.  The questioning partner then asks a series of open-ended (only!) questions to find out more.

Some examples: “Why do you feel that way?” or “What do you think is underneath that feeling?” or “What’s most important about that for you?”  The partner who is the ‘speaker’ can also ask open-ended questions, such as “What do you think about this?” or “How does what I’m saying strike you?” and “what are you feeling right now?”

This technique isn’t for every conversation, but the idea of being curious is.  You can always help move your conversation forward, and help your partner feel heard, by asking open-ended questions and learning more about what’s really going on.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

In my opinion, ‘hopeless’ is one of the saddest feelings we can have.  And sometimes, when ADHD is in the picture, both ADHD and non-ADHD partners can go to this dark place.  It usually has to do with the repetitive nature of the struggle.  Perhaps you have ADHD and you’re working really hard to manage it, but struggling to make things stick.  You wonder whether or not you’ll ever get things ‘well enough’ managed.  Or you just can’t seem to get your partner to be more understanding.

Perhaps you don’t have ADHD, but are impacted by your partner’s ADHD.  Hopelessness in that situation often comes from feeling that ADHD will always impact you, and in inconsistent ways that are hard to anticipate.

You both want the struggle to just stop, yet it seems as if it just pops back.

When I’m feeling that way (and I do, sometimes, so you aren’t alone) I try to walk away from the hopelessness and turn towards self care.  I know that the hopelessness is temporary…and that I will feel relief the fastest if I don’t wallow in it.  Thinking ‘this, too, shall pass’ helps me find hope again.  And as it ‘perches on my soul’ I feel I am, once again, ready to take flight.

Next time you’re feeling hopeless, remind yourself that this feeling is fleeting, and seek out something that restores you.  ADHD may be repetitive, and you may be faced with a similar feeling in the future, but as you heal they become shorter and much further in between.

Above, I offer advice for both partners. If you don’t have ADHD, hopelessness often comes from feeling that ADHD will always impact you, and in inconsistent ways that are hard to anticipate..... My Non-ADHD support group series begins June 17, 2019. Submit your topics & I'll choose 1-2 per week for in-depth exploration. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I recently saw Scott Kelly speak about his experiences growing up.  He struggled in much the way many with ADHD struggle (he says he most likely has ADHD) – difficulty in school, trouble paying attention.  Things didn’t come easily to him.  He failed some of the first navy tests that he needed to pass in order to become a pilot.  Some in authority suggested he try something else.  But he had a passion for flying, and kept at it.

He has other qualities often associated with ADHD, too – he’s a dreamer.  He’s intrepid and personable.  He perseveres on that which genuinely interests him.

One of the most important parts of succeeding with ADHD is engaging with what you have a passion for and persevering.  It provides direction, and the reward that fires up the ADHD brain.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

For a long-time, research has suggested that having your child take ADHD meds wouldn’t improve his or her school performance.  And, if you just read this introductory sentence, you might conclude that this was still true.

It turns out, the point tha Barkley next makes is that it is likely that researchers got this result because they re-tested academic performance soon after meds were started.  This misses the point – it takes time to acquire new knowledge and for that acquisition to be reflected in academic outcomes.  A large-scale longitudinal study recently showed something completely different.  That over time (years, not weeks or months) treating ADHD significantly improved academic performance.

I take away two lessons for couples here.  First, bad science means bad research results.  Be careful to get your information from a source you trust to have fully vetted study methodology (this is generally NOT the press!)  Second, just as it takes time for the effects of treatment to show its benefits in school settings, so too does it take time in relationships.

Or as one seminar participant who has been taking my courses for a while recently put it “it’s a process that take a while.”  Think of it as a journey.  This makes sense.  Your lives are complicated.  Identifying what needs to change and which ADHD-friendly ways you will use to make those changes takes education and thought.  Learning new habits is hard, and making them stick takes time.

I don’t lay this out to discourage you, rather just the opposite.  You may not see change right away, but if you both stick with it, chances are good that in time, you will.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Seminars and Groups

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? Check out How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group both run 8 consecutive weeks.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

There is a lot of food for thought in this quote, and the issue that she brings up – that women may actually like self-criticism because it provides a benefit for them (motivation) is reinforced by the fact that our culture generally gives us permission to criticize ourselves, while punishing us for praising ourselves or being too outspoken.  I’m speaking in generalities here, but certainly I’ve experienced that and I bet many of you have.

Whether you are a woman with ADHD or a woman married to a person with ADHD, I think that it’s important to challenge these cultural norms.  We need all of the strength we have to live in – and love in – a relationship complicated by the presence of ADHD.

It’s too easy to be self- critical…and because this is so acceptable, no one is going to tell you you shouldn’t be.  But I would like to urge you to replace that self-criticism with self love, instead.  What does that look like?  For women with ADHD that means getting to know that you have fewer limits than people have told you, and that with great management of ADHD you can FLY!  It means getting the sleep you need.  And not being embarrassed to learn about your limits – you DON’T have to do it all!  You don’t have to be perfect – being loving is better.  And, in spite of what I’m writing here (which is suggesting a direction) you get to choose how to take care of yourself in this world.  Finding ways to be your best, most-true-to-your-values self, no matter what anyone else tells you.

For non-ADHD partners, self-kindness means understanding that you can’t control your ADHD partner’s behaviors, though you can influence them.  It means taking time away from the chaos – mentally or physically, as needed.  That might mean adding a meditative or gratitude practice, or taking a vacation with friends.  Paying attention to your own health, not just everyone else’s.  Seeking the positive at every turn.  Finding ways to be your best, most-true-to-your-values self, no matter what anyone else tells you.

And, for all – what, besides self-criticism, motivates you?  Answer that question and strengthen that area of your life.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Seminars and Groups

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next Live session starts October, 2019.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship could be the answer.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.