Weekly Marriage Tips

“Greatness is making the most of the gifts and talents you were born with to achieve your dreams, and creating the maximum impact on the people in your world with those talents.  It looks different for every person, though.  There are a million ways to be great.”
- Lewis Howes, author of The School of Greatness

We are all born with gifts and talents of one sort or another.  I like this definition of greatness.  It’s not about accomplishments (getting into Harvard; making a million dollars) – it’s about achieving your own dreams…whatever they are.  Maybe that’s making the most interesting chamber music; raising happy, confident children; building a community garden where none existed before.  These all are forms of ‘greatness’ and each and every one of us has the right to define what ‘great’ is for us.

When couples struggle they often lose track of their dreams, gifts and talents.  Have you lost sight of yours?  And what might you do to get back on track to finding your own personal greatness?

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 

Please also review my Relationship Self Study course.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

“Feel free to disagree with somebody but don’t just try to shut them up.”
- President Barack Obama

Some ways of shutting people up are really obvious – bullying, yelling, and venting, to name just a few.  Others, though, are much less obvious.  One area that I run into quite frequently with the couples I work with is unspoken threats.  These include:

• The likelihood of an angry response
• Potential disapproval or scorn
• The possibility of rejection or turning away

Censorship, or shutting someone up, has no part in a healthy relationship.  Both partners should develop a skill set that allows them to share their ideas and feelings constructively, and to listen to their partner’s opinion non-defensively.  That is the best way to negotiate your differences.

Make no mistake – these are skills that need practice.  How about you?  Do you need practice being open with your partner when both speaking and listening?

The ADHD partner support and coaching group start date is now November 10, at 9:00am Pacific time (12pm eastern time). 10 weeks, 75 minutes each. For adults wanting ongoing coaching and community for managing ADHD. The structure will include a balance of learning tools and checking in to hear success stories and share discoveries. Dial in access from anywhere makes it easy to attend.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts Jan/Feb 2017 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. If you'd like a reminder email before registration, contact Melissa.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

“You didn’t choose the brain chemistry you were born with, you didn’t choose the family or the culture you were born into, and you don’t choose what your body does today in response to…stimuli.  What you can choose is how you feel about all of that – and you can choose your partner.  And feeling okay with it is what makes the difference…”
- Emily Nagoski

Nagoski is talking about meta-emotions, i.e. “how you think about how you think.”  I didn’t choose to have some anxiety, or to be someone who thinks like a manager.  But I can control how I think about those qualities – and my opinions about them have changed quite dramatically over the years as I’ve come to know myself better.  For example, I didn’t used to think much about anxiety…now I actively control it (through mindfulness).  I accept that it’s part of me, and that sometimes it serves me well, but I don’t particularly wish to have my anxiety running the show in my various family relationships.  

I used to embrace all aspects of my managerial temperament.  But then I started ‘managing’ my husband.  That didn’t work well (at all!)  So now I have a different opinion of my tendency to manage.  It’s usually great for work, but not great for people.

I like both parts of me (though the anxiety can be pesky!) – they are part of what makes me who I am, in all of my complexity.  What has helped me get to this place of self-acceptance has been a lot of self-reflection and learning.

How do you feel about all that you were born with that makes you who you are?  Would reflection help you be more accepting of all of yourself?

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

“Our culture idealizes only the harmony phase (of relationships).  Just once I would like somebody to say, “Oh, there’s Harvey and Shirley.  They’ve been married 47 years.  Of course they separated at one point for nearly a year because they were so pissed off at each other, and periodically they fight like cats and dogs, but they always find their way through it.  Aren’t they a cute couple?”  But you’re not going to hear that.”
- Terry Real

Okay, I admit it.  My partnership closely resembles Harvey and Shirley’s, and so I laughed when I read this.  But in spite of my laughter, it’s a serious topic.  We put so much value on the “harmony phase” of relationships that many of us have quite unrealistic views of what a relationship should look like.  It’s hard work.  You fight.  Sometimes you don’t like what’s going on, or what your partner is doing…or even your partner!  You are different – there is bound to be friction.  And with the stresses of financial commitments, raising kids, work…even more friction.

Our relationship has been imperfect but there has always been a deep core of love that has held us together through it all.  At times that core was pretty deeply buried – we knew it had to be there, but had real trouble finding it.

I wonder, sometimes, how much my old expectations that my relationship would be all about that ‘harmony phase’ impacted our lives together.  I so badly needed my husband to CHANGE so that there would be more harmony…never wondering whether my expectations were either healthy or realistic.  I’m guessing, though, that if I had had a better picture of marriage being as much about negotiation of your difference as celebration of what you share, things could have been easier.

Do you err on the side of ‘idealizing the harmony side’ of relationships?

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

“Rage not against yourself but against the culture that lied to you.  Grieve not for your discrepancy from a fictitious “ideal” that is at best arbitrary and at worst an act of oppression and violence; grieve for the compassionate world you were born deserving…and did not get.”
- Emily Nagoski  

Though Nagoski was writing about how tragic it is that our culture has led so many women to hate their bodies and hide their desire, I find this quote equally relevant for those who have ADHD.  In another time or culture – one in which efficiency was not quite so highly prized – we would be much better able to focus on the positives of ADHD.  Characteristics such as:

• The ability to think openly and creatively
• Thinking fast on your feet
• Empathy
• Energy and perseverance
• Quick responses to danger 

Yet somewhere, even though many exceptional entrepreneurs and thinkers may well have had ADHD, we have created an ‘ideal’ that more closely resembles that of a more organized partner.  Is it because our lives are so hectic and we still believe we must, therefore, control them?  (Talk about illusions!)

Just as it makes me angry that so many women have been led to dislike their bodies, so too does it anger me when I hear those who insist on focusing on the negative side of ADHD.  ADHD may or may not be a ‘gift’ but every person who has ADHD has many positive qualities.   Time and time again I see how families become happier when everyone is more compassionate about the difficulties of having…and living with…ADHD.

How might you be more compassionate?

Starting Tomorrow! Mindfulness Made Easy - a 4 week intro to mindfulness developed specifically for couples impacted by ADHD. The first session begins June 7th and is limited to 20 couples. Learn more here.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

“What we want to help the children with is, just because you feel sad or happy or depressed doesn’t mean that is who you are.  We want them to know, I am really sad right now but I’m not a sad person.”
- Goldie Hawn

I was struck by how relevant this quote is for partners with ADHD.  A diagnosis can provide the ‘aha’ moment but it also provides a label.  They get access to a whole new world of tools they can use to manage their ADHD symptoms, yet too often fall prey to believing that how they feel then – perhaps incapable or ‘less than’ – means that they really are…and always will be…those labels.  

Yet that is far from the truth.  Research suggests that 70-80% of adults can find a treatment that will help them significantly manage their symptoms – allowing them to thrive and showcase whomever they really are…creative or spontaneous or funny or smart or insightful or empathetic or…

They are not “ADHD people.”  They are only people who may have been hindered in the past by an overlay of undiagnosed symptoms.  

Introducing! Mindfulness Made Easy - a 4 week intro to mindfulness developed specifically for couples impacted by ADHD. The first session begins June 7th. Learn more here.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free   downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.                      
 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!                                                                    

  - Please follow us for tips and resources!                                      

“The grass isn’t greener on the other side.  It’s greener where you water it.”
-Lisa Arends, author of “Lessons from the End of a Marriage”

I don't have to interpret this one much.  If you are thinking that having an emotional or physical affair, take this quote to heart.  Unless you fix the underlying issues that you, yourself contribute to your relationship, you are likely to repeat your mistakes again in the ‘greener pastures’ of your future relationship.

So why not focus on ‘watering’ the grass you already have?  Nurture your partnership with the energy, passion and positive spirit you are considering expending on an affair partner and amazing things might well happen.

Do you want to improve your romantic connection, share feelings, increase desire and avoid aggression and defensiveness? Who doesn't?! My new self-study course was created for just these reasons.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

“…try as I might to avoid heartache, life will continue to have its way with me. To be human is to hurt, to worry, to wonder, to suffer, to stare at the ceiling at three a.m.

And yet, if there’s one more thing I know for sure, it’s this: whatever is happening in this moment is already in the process of turning into something else. Change is continual, and for that I can be either fearful or grateful. Today, I choose grateful.”
-Katrina Kenison

If there is one thing I know for sure, it is that life is unpredictable.  You simply cannot know what might be coming next.  You can worry about that, or you can embrace it.

I thought this quote was a wonderful way to think about this concept.  Thinking about change as continual, rather than something that comes in laborious spurts, is really helpful.  Even if I am feeling ‘stuck,’ the reality is that the next moment, day, week or year will never be exactly like a similar time in our past.

And so the question becomes, where do I go?

For that, I am grateful.  Each moment, in this mindset, becomes an opportunity to learn.  An opportunity to take that change – right at that instant – and go somewhere with it…maybe even somewhere good!  Each day becomes an opportunity for meaning.  And each moment becomes an opportunity for happiness.  I can choose to move that way – in really small and painless increments – if change is continual.

Introducing: My new self-study course, created to help you and your partner improve your romantic connection, share feelings, increase desire and avoid aggression and defensiveness. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

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“Be careful when you fight the monsters, lest you become one.”
-Friederich Nietzsche

I was a monster once.  (Longer than ‘once,’ actually!)  The monster I was fighting was my ADHD husband’s inattentiveness.  The less attention he paid me, the more I pursued, intruded and yelled to get any scrap of focus he could muster.  Over time, I simply became pretty mean.

I see this happen all the time.  The ‘monster’ might be ADHD symptomatic behaviors, controlling behavior, yelling, insults or any other of a score of bad behaviors in your relationship.  And as we fight these bad behaviors, we can easily start to ‘fight back’ with similarly awful responses.

Instead, challenge yourself to NOT fight the monsters by becoming a monster yourself, but by becoming your best person and trying hard to enlist your partner to do the same.  Together, you can eliminate the monsters, rather than fight them. This takes TWO to do, but is your best hope for successful change.

I recommend that you start by identifying times when your own behaviors are monsters in your relationship.

Introducing: My new self-study course, created to help you and your partner improve your romantic connection, share feelings, increase desire and avoid aggression and defensiveness. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!                      

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“Bad emotions, bad parents, and bad feedback have more impact than good ones, and bad information is processed more thoroughly than good.  The self is more motivated to avoid bad self-definitions than to pursue good ones.  Bad impressions and bad stereotypes are quicker to form and more resistant to disconfirmation than good ones.”
-from a paper, ‘Bad is Stronger than Good,’ as cited by Nobel Prize winner (economics), Daniel Kahneman, in Thinking Fast and Slow

Sadly, this idea rings very true.  Think about how long bad feelings last and how hard they are to shake.  Now, think about how quickly great feelings dissipate and how fragile they are when confronted by something negative.

But I refuse to let my life be dominated by the fact that, for reasons of biological survival that are no longer really relevant for me, the negative dominates.  Instead, I seek to do the hard work to dispel bad feelings, and replace them with good ones at every opportunity.  Mindfulness really helps with this – consciously looking for and celebrating the small (and large) positive things in my life.  Slowing down the tempo of my life helps, too.  When I’m not stressed by being hurried, I’m much more likely to remain in a positive state of mind (the same is true of my husband, despite his love of stimulation…!  It’s a real fight for him to slow down, but he always benefits when he does.)  Less bad stuff happens to you when you take your time to savor things a bit.

Writing is also helpful when I try to shake the negative.  I can explore the bad things that have happened and, in so doing, make it less powerful. When I write, I am able to seek out ‘good self-definitions’ by exploring what makes life positive.  (Now you know one of the reasons I enjoy writing these tips – it’s therapeutic!)

Can you think of some tactics you might use to fight the power of the negative?

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You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!