Weekly Marriage Tips

“It never occurred to me that there could be some logic behind his habits, not just sheer laziness…”
- Jancee Dunn, in her article for RealSimple Magazine entitled “How to live with a messy person and not go insane”

I smiled when I read this article because Dunn’s husband probably has ADHD, even though that was not stated in the article.  But I had somewhat mixed feelings about Dunn’s amazement at discovering that her husband effectively uses piles to ‘store’ things.  Same thing happens at our house (in both our offices, though only one of us has ADHD.) 

The article was amusing, the moral of the story being “don’t assume your partner thinks or acts like you do.”  But I also have to wonder…would it have even been printed if the title had been “How to live with a neat freak and not go insane?”  Our society does have a bias towards being efficient and very organized.  This can be a good defense against chaos… until it gets in the way of your relationship.  I’m glad Ms. Dunn figured out that her husband’s way of doing things isn’t the end of the world just because it’s different than her own.  I just wish it weren’t a news-worthy surprise that people do things differently…

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

“People think love will help you surpass any obstacle, but it doesn’t.  Relationships are hard work.”
- Diane Rehm

Why don’t we tell people this before they get married?  And could we really prepare the uninitiated for the very real work that being in a committed relationship entails?  But the hard work – done consistently and with love – can pay huge, huge dividends.

And that is why I have my ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples Phone Seminar, my Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship self-study course, my books and all the rest.  If you’re willing to put in the effort, it helps to have the tools and knowledge you need to succeed.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Live session starts October 2016 and self-study available for download if you can't wait that long - this 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship and Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship - a 7-session self-study seminar will get you going with critical information, tools and weekly exercises to regain your closeness, dreams, friendship…and yes, improve your love life!

Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

“Emotions are tunnels.  You have to go all the way through the darkness to get to the light at the end.  And if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you’ll get where you want to go….”
-Emily Nagoski

Do you ever feel as if your emotions are all around you, and all encompassing? Perhaps overwhelming?  I like the analogy of emotions being like tunnels because it supports what Nagoski suggests – that taking a series of small but forward-moving actions is what can lead to a good outcome.

The reverse is also true – if you put on the brakes and stop in the middle of the tunnel you will remain in the dark.  For better or worse, you must traverse the length of the tunnel to get out of that dark place and be healthier.  (Some call this ‘completing the cycle of emotions.’)

Fear, anxiety and overwhelm are three emotions that sometimes make it hard to feel as if we can put one foot in front of the other…and yet we need to find the courage to do so.  Just one small step at a time – acknowledging the emotion; accepting that it is okay and normal to feel that emotion; sharing it with someone who cares; going through a pain cycle; and various ways of healing are all ways to traverse this tunnel.

Are you putting the brakes on in your most important emotional tunnels?  If so, are there small steps you might take to start moving forward in your healing process again?

If you feel caught in the "middle of the tunnel", consider taking my live ADHD Effect In-Depth couples seminar given by phone, starting in October or as a self-study course. It is a unique and excellent resource for changing your relationship for the better…and creating the joy you thought you had lost. Read the testimonials here - it really does change lives for the better!

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 and the self-study is available for download if you can't wait that long - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship; and Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship - a 7-session self-study seminar loaded with critical information, tools and weekly exercises to regain your closeness, dreams, friendship…and yes, improve your love life!

Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

“…for Americans, “desperately wanting to be happy is linked with lower psychological health.”  (“in collectivist societies, happiness is linked with social endeavors…spending time with (others)…in the US, chasing the best career, buying stuff are expected to lead to happiness”)”
-From a study recently published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General

Americans have an interesting approach to pursuing happiness – chasing the best career, buying televisions no matter how little money we have, going on ‘retail therapy’ jaunts and the like.  Yet repeated research studies demonstrate that beyond a certain income (about $75,000 a year per household) having more money, and what it can buy, are not correlated with increases in happiness.

In my work, what correlates with improvements in happiness have to do with our relationships – with partners, family and friends.  As I look back on my own marital and family history, I wish I had spent less time organizing and more time simply focusing on creating joy with those I love.

If that feels impossible to you because you are struggling so much with your partner, I suggest you consider taking my live ADHD Effect In-Depth couples seminar given by phone, starting in October or as a self-study course. I don’t suggest this to have you spend more money…but rather because it is a unique and excellent resource for changing your relationship for the better…and creating the joy you thought you had lost. Please take a moment to read the testimonials here - it really does change lives for the better!

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Live session starts October 2016 and self-study available for download if you can't wait that long - this 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship and Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship - a 7-session self-study seminar will get you going with critical information, tools and weekly exercises to regain your closeness, dreams, friendship…and yes, improve your love life!

Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 -Please follow us for tips and resources.

“I believe that when a student does not understand his or her condition (in other words, his or her label), this can lead to a self-assigned label: “I have ADHD.  I can’t focus well enough to do math.  I’m stupid.”  This is more disabling than the terms ADHD or LD.  My work in schools supports my view that stereotype threat, and the stress it causes, can be countered with positive self-attributions related to the disability label.”
- Jerome Schultz, ph.D. in ADDitude Magazine

Schultz brings up a critically important point – the stereotypes we attach to the label of “ADHD” can be crippling.  We stuff a great person into a negative box and pretty soon everyone believes the negative stereotypes, including the person with the ADHD.

It’s important for everyone to separate out the symptoms of ADHD from the person who has the ADHD.  The symptoms simply produce an overlay of behaviors that can be changed and managed, usually pretty well.  But management takes effort, and effort is hard to sustain when you are discouraged or have low self-esteem.

Not only that, but focusing on the negatives means you often miss the positives that are right in front of you.  A distracted person might be wildly creative, for example…who says she has to conform to all the rules?

Do you put yourself or someone you love into an ADHD ‘box?’

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. A self-study version is available for those who can't wait that long.

Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship is available as a self study course. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

“I give feedback; you’re critical. I’m firm; you’re stubborn. I’m flexible; you’re wishy-washy. I’m in touch with my feelings; you’re hysterical!”
- Steven Stosny (taken from Dr. Jessica Higgin’s blog)

Isn’t it amazing how we so fully understand and forgive our own behaviors and motivations, while those same behaviors in our partners are simply unacceptable?!  I laughed when I read Stosny’s quote, and hope that it brings you a moment of pleasure…and reflection.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. A self-study version is available for those who can't wait that long.

Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship is available as a self study course. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and advice.

“…forgiveness and remembering go hand in hand, because a crime must be remembered to be repented…Forgive and forget is a formula powerfully skewed in favor of the offender.”
- Bernard Powers, professor of history at the College of Charleston, as quoted in Time

Lots of times the partner who had the affair, or lied about secretly taking out a second mortgage, or…whatever…is all for the idea of ‘forgive and forget.’  This minimizes the impact on the betrayer, while placing the burden of healing on the betrayed.  

But this approach can lengthen the healing process and hurt the person who has been betrayed.  An effective way to heal from a betrayal is to be able to ask questions, and interact with the betraying partner around the event.  Once betrayed, your world is tipped upside down.  It takes reassurance and connection (and time) to right it again.  The ‘forget’ part of ‘forgive and forget’ gets in the way of that.

So if you are a betrayer, stay engaged with your partner as constructively and patiently as long as s/he heals.  Answer questions honestly and openly.  Hug, hold and reassure.  Eliminate the betraying behavior.  Eventually, though it’s likely you’ll both never actually forget, you can end up with something better…”forgive, heal and move on.”

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 

Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship is available as a self study course. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

“Greatness is making the most of the gifts and talents you were born with to achieve your dreams, and creating the maximum impact on the people in your world with those talents.  It looks different for every person, though.  There are a million ways to be great.”
- Lewis Howes, author of The School of Greatness

We are all born with gifts and talents of one sort or another.  I like this definition of greatness.  It’s not about accomplishments (getting into Harvard; making a million dollars) – it’s about achieving your own dreams…whatever they are.  Maybe that’s making the most interesting chamber music; raising happy, confident children; building a community garden where none existed before.  These all are forms of ‘greatness’ and each and every one of us has the right to define what ‘great’ is for us.

When couples struggle they often lose track of their dreams, gifts and talents.  Have you lost sight of yours?  And what might you do to get back on track to finding your own personal greatness?

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 

Please also review my Relationship Self Study course.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

“Feel free to disagree with somebody but don’t just try to shut them up.”
- President Barack Obama

Some ways of shutting people up are really obvious – bullying, yelling, and venting, to name just a few.  Others, though, are much less obvious.  One area that I run into quite frequently with the couples I work with is unspoken threats.  These include:

• The likelihood of an angry response
• Potential disapproval or scorn
• The possibility of rejection or turning away

Censorship, or shutting someone up, has no part in a healthy relationship.  Both partners should develop a skill set that allows them to share their ideas and feelings constructively, and to listen to their partner’s opinion non-defensively.  That is the best way to negotiate your differences.

Make no mistake – these are skills that need practice.  How about you?  Do you need practice being open with your partner when both speaking and listening?

The ADHD partner support and coaching group start date is now November 10, at 9:00am Pacific time (12pm eastern time). 10 weeks, 75 minutes each. For adults wanting ongoing coaching and community for managing ADHD. The structure will include a balance of learning tools and checking in to hear success stories and share discoveries. Dial in access from anywhere makes it easy to attend.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts Jan/Feb 2017 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. If you'd like a reminder email before registration, contact Melissa.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

“You didn’t choose the brain chemistry you were born with, you didn’t choose the family or the culture you were born into, and you don’t choose what your body does today in response to…stimuli.  What you can choose is how you feel about all of that – and you can choose your partner.  And feeling okay with it is what makes the difference…”
- Emily Nagoski

Nagoski is talking about meta-emotions, i.e. “how you think about how you think.”  I didn’t choose to have some anxiety, or to be someone who thinks like a manager.  But I can control how I think about those qualities – and my opinions about them have changed quite dramatically over the years as I’ve come to know myself better.  For example, I didn’t used to think much about anxiety…now I actively control it (through mindfulness).  I accept that it’s part of me, and that sometimes it serves me well, but I don’t particularly wish to have my anxiety running the show in my various family relationships.  

I used to embrace all aspects of my managerial temperament.  But then I started ‘managing’ my husband.  That didn’t work well (at all!)  So now I have a different opinion of my tendency to manage.  It’s usually great for work, but not great for people.

I like both parts of me (though the anxiety can be pesky!) – they are part of what makes me who I am, in all of my complexity.  What has helped me get to this place of self-acceptance has been a lot of self-reflection and learning.

How do you feel about all that you were born with that makes you who you are?  Would reflection help you be more accepting of all of yourself?

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.