Weekly Marriage Tips

It’s no secret that my husband and I struggled greatly for many years.  And yet the other day I found myself texting “life is better when we’re together” to him as he was complaining of a hard week out of town on business.  It made me want to write to all of you and remind you that though it doesn’t happen for every couple, your life can change dramatically when you both finally understand how ADHD – and responses to ADHD - impact your relationship.  I see this transformation regularly.

How?  The most important part is getting to a point where the two of you can discuss ANY issue without either aggression or defensiveness.  Reasonably, charitably, and with respect.  The path to get there is, in a nutshell:

1. Educate yourselves well about ADHD and responses to ADHD.  Your partnership is not like those of your neighbors

2. Don’t blame your partner.  Own your symptoms, anger and other issues you contribute to the relationship.  Focus on fixing yourself.

3. To ‘fix’ yourself, use strategies known to help couples impacted by ADHD

4. Make it so you can contribute your best, most respectful self.  Seek great ADHD-savvy treatment, therapy, coaching, seminars…whatever it takes to make you a good partner in every way.  This is HARD – you don’t have to do it on your own.

5. Stay respectfully engaged, rather than disengaging.

6. Choose love and empathy over frustration.  For yourself and your partner.  Seek the positive every day.

7. As things improve, consciously make time for joy, laughter, and attending to each other your number one priority.

This sounds simplistic.  But think about your relationship and feelings…it’s not easy.  So why not start at the beginning, and learn everything you can about how ADHD impacts adult relationships? 

A great place to start... if you haven’t read them, are my two books, The ADHD Effect on Marriage and The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD.  Another good place to start is in the adult support groups - 3 different support groups start in January for couples, ADHD partners and non-ADHD partners.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

By the time many couples find me they are superb mud slingers.  They are angry, frustrated and intent on ‘telling the truth’ about the relationship.  Which, inevitably, translates into dumping on their partner.

But this misses one huge point.  The more mud you throw, the dirtier your hands will likely get.  The non-ADHD partner who screams at an ADHD partner to get his or her attention is seen as being an unreasonable or angry person rather than as just being angry at that moment…and someone to avoid.

I urge partners to ‘contribute your best self’ to the relationship because by doing so they can be viewed by their partner as a person who is worth working things out with.  Just as importantly, they will be able to look back on their behavior with pride.

Nov 10 - TOMORROW - The first of ten sessions of ongoing coaching and community for managing ADHD - ADHD partner support and coaching group. 

Nov 11 & 12 - CHADD International Conference, Costa Mesa, CA - Melissa will be presenting. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

When it comes to living in the present moment, people with ADHD are to be envied.  This is how most of them live – often to the exclusion of planning for the future or (sometimes) remembering well the past.

But what happens if you take some time to not only be in that present moment, but learn to celebrate it, as well.  And, for non-ADHD partners…let go of the other, non-present moments.

There is joy in this sort of living.  Living this way ALL the time can cause problems if you don’t have a really great support system (i.e. not paying taxes because you are too busy being in the moment doesn’t turn out well unless someone else does them for you…) and ADHD ‘living in the now’ vs. non-ADHD partner ‘planning’ is one of the main sources of friction in ADHD/non-ADHD partnerships.  The non-ADHD partner gets to pick up all the non-joyful stuff.

BUT, it is my experience and observation that non-ADHD partners don’t live in the present moment enough.  They miss lots of opportunities to celebrate life as they struggle to keep up with the never-ending ‘to do’ list and try to meet a host of commitments.

My suggestion to non-ADHD partners is to give yourself permission to celebrate the moment more often…to just enjoy what is coming at you and ‘get on board’ with some of the more fun family chaos.  Pick and choose those chores that must (truly) take you away from the joy to be had in the moment.

And for ADHD partners?  Think about creating a structure that allows you to help out more so your partner can more easily share in your joyous times.

Nov 10 - Start date for the ADHD partner support and coaching group.

Nov. 12 - CHADD International Conference, Costa Mesa, CA - Melissa will be giving one presentation on Friday and two on Saturday 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Q:  “But why should I praise him like he’s a golden retriever for things he should be doing in the first place?”

A:  It is not about bolstering a mate’s ego but about establishing an atmosphere of kindness and respect, which is ultimately a more fertile ground for affecting change.”

- Jancee Dunn and Gary Chapman

I hear this ‘why should I praise him for things he’s supposed to be doing?’ question all the time!  And my answer is ‘because you can.’  And because many things our partner’s take on are harder for them than we might imagine.

It’s harder for a person with ADHD to get organized, stay on task, plan something, or remember something than many without ADHD understand.  To ‘do the things he was supposed to be doing’ takes considerable effort – for which one should get credit.

The same goes in the other direction, too.  It’s far harder to manage the anxiety, frustration and fear that living in a state of chaos over which you have little control induces (aka living with a partner with ADHD.)  Non-ADHD partners who learn how to manage these feelings (and nagging, anger and more) should be thanked and acknowledged.

Really, it’s all about creating that atmosphere of observation and respect.  You both deserve that.

Have you acknowledged your partner for his or her effort lately?

Starting in 2 Days: REGISTER NOW FOR THE ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples Seminar THAT STARTS OCTOBER 13.  Go to this page for all the details. "I am the ADHD partner (and) I am not a novice to self-help and professional modalities. Your course is the best thing I have ever encountered for actual hands on non-judgmental tools for understanding, saving, and renewing relationship with ADHD. Your presentation is superb."

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October 13, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

“We’re invariably afraid to talk about shame, and (here’s the kicker) the less we talk about (shame), the more control it has over our lives….shame sets off the parasympathetic nervous system’s protective response; we shut down rather than open up.”
- Brene Brown, as quoted in Experience Life Magazine

Brown likes to talk about the idea of ‘shame resilience,’ which I find very applicable to couples impacted by hidden shame.  Many adults with ADHD developed strong shame responses after a childhood of ‘not measuring up’ and not understanding why.  Shame resilience is the idea that if you can recognize and name ‘shame’ and allow that feeling to move through you (rather than engaging with it) this can help you reach out right at the moment when you might naturally be tempted to shut down or hide.

Think about how useful this would be!  Rather than cover up a mistake you made, you could reach out and admit you didn’t mean to do ‘X’ and move on to repair the mistake – saving lots of later bad feelings about the lie!  Rather than feel ashamed and ‘less than’ because you can’t seem to manage to put your socks in the hamper (“when even a 4-year old can do that!”) you can let that feeling of shame pass you by and then figure out a better system with the help of a coach.

Shame ‘takes control’ by shutting us down and it’s a physiological response in YOU, not something your partner makes you feel.  I urge everyone who feels shame to work with their partner on how to not only express shame, but make it ‘safe’ to do so.

Looking for a coach? Visit my Resources Page.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts January, 2017 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

“Some people care too much.  I think it’s called love.”
- A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Is there such a thing as caring to much?  I think the answer is ‘yes...’  I think you are caring too much when ‘doing for others’ (or caring for others) makes you lose your own self in your relationship(s).  When your purpose becomes all about ‘them’ and not about ‘you.’  When the things you used to love about yourself are buried under a laundry list of ‘to dos’ and ‘must dos.’

Sadly, I see a lot of partners (both men and, even more often, women) lose themselves in relationships in which ADHD went undiagnosed for some time.  In an effort to figure out how to ‘fix’ something that didn’t originate with themselves, non-ADHD partners can ‘adjust and adjust’ until there is little left of them.  Yet this approach simply doesn’t work.  It’s not until both partners know how ADHD – and responses to ADHD – are impacting their relationship that they can start to thrive again.

And, part of that thriving?  Learning how NOT to lose yourself in your relationship but, rather, care enough about yourself to remember what you love most about you.  Healthy relationships are about caring about yourself enough so that you don’t fall into the trap of ‘caring too much’ about others that you forget yourself.

New - Starting This Week: ADHD and Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups Each session is 10 weeks, meets once a week via phone and limited to 12 people.

ADHD Partner Group - Thursdays at 9am Pacific time (12pm eastern time), starts October 20.

Non-ADHD Partner Group - Fridays at 9am Pacific time (12pm eastern time), starts October 21.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. The live session started last week. If you wish a reminder when registration for the Q1 couples seminar begins, contact Melissa.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

“Perfectionists set goals that are impossible – and if they somehow manage to achieve a goal, they assume that goal must be worthless and they set another, even more impossible goal.  Which puts them in a state of perpetual dissatisfaction.”
- Emily Nagoski

There is so much truth in what Nagoski writes that it’s almost impossible to figure out how to keep up my normally high standards and write the perfect, pithy marriage tip about it…

Oh, wait!!!

P.S.  (I hope you understand this is meant to be humorous!  I like my marriage tips and hope you enjoy them, but I am no perfectionist!)

October is ADHD Awareness Month - REPAIR YOUR MARRIAGE AND THRIVE! 

Join me October 13 for the start of my very popular The ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar; October 2 for the free TADD Talks; October 7 in the free online ADHD Awareness Expo.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October 13 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

“When you understand your own emotions and triggers, you can learn to be present in difficult situations and not let your emotions control you.  This allows you to have a better ability to try to understand what other people are experiencing, which brings you deeper intimacy, trust, and love.”
- Lewis Howes, author of The School of Greatness

In my Rebuilding Intimacy in Your Relationship self-study course I talk about the idea of ‘self-intimacy,’ or (put another way) learning how to recognize and label your own emotions.  This is the basic building block of all other types of intimacy.  If you recognize and understand your own feelings and emotions, you are better equipped to address them constructively – perhaps engaging to heal them or, at other times, NOT engaging, but letting them pass by.  In addition, it is helpful to your partner in understanding how best to respond to you.  Saying “I’m mad” isn’t nearly as helpful to your partner as being more specific and saying “I’m feeling unprepared, embarrassed, and resentful.”

Further, being able to accurately assess your own feelings does, over time, make you more able to appreciate similar feelings in your partner when he or she shares them with you.

Are you self-intimate?

October is ADHD Awareness Month: REPAIR YOUR MARRIAGE AND LEARN TO THRIVE! Join me in The ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar which begins October 13th, and in the free online ADHD Awareness Expo October 2-8.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October 13, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

“When stress goes up, cognitive ability goes down.”
- Jerome Schultz, Ph.D. in ADDitude Magazine

You may not be aware of this, but stress has a huge impact on the expression of ADHD symptoms.  The more stress, the worse ADHD gets.  Sleep deprivation also makes symptoms worse.  In fact, increased stress impacts everyone, not just those with ADHD.

This has some implications for couples:

• If at all possible, get a good ADHD treatment plan in place before having kids.  Sleepless nights and the stress of learning new routines tends to make ADHD symptoms worse after the birth of a child.  A good treatment plan can help you stay on top of this (NOTE: if you are a woman, don’t take ADHD meds during pregnancy!)
• Let your partner know if you are under more stress than usual. It can help him or her be more empathetic to changes they may see in your mood or mindset and may encourage them to respond positively to your need for time to de-stress.
• Though many with ADHD have sleep-related problems, it’s still important to create a good sleep routine.  Experiment with ‘sleep hygiene’ techniques to make sure lack of sleep isn’t a factor in your relationship.  Non-ADHD partners should make sleep a top priority, too – ABOVE ‘getting things done.’
• Make stress-reducing activities a part of your everyday lives.  Meditation, mindfulness, taking breaks, walking and all forms of aerobic exercise are all known to reduce stress.

The next live ADHD Effects In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts October 13th! "Thank you for such a life-changing seminar. It was the best and most effective money and time we ever spent."

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October 13, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

“My husband watches four different sporting events on three different devices while messaging with friends on four different continents.  All this multitasking yet he can’t get the baby’s bottle.  Thankfully, I think it’s adorable, and I’m glad that he’s such a loyal friend.  When we embrace each other’s crazy, we can be who we really are, and our love has an infinite space in which to expand.”
-Dana Fox

I applaud Fox for her selfless support of her husband’s multi-tasking habits.  It’s great that she says “we embrace each other’s crazy.”  On the other hand, I couldn’t help noticing that she only mentions one baby.  What might happen to this relationship with the addition of another child or two?  Only time will tell, but if I had to advise this couple I think I would suggest that they continue to embrace each other’s crazy…and make sure that they get enough ‘attend time’ with each other (and without the baby!) so that they don’t lose track of what they so love about each other.  That might mean just a little less time multi-tasking with pals on the sofa and just a little more time with Dana. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts in one month - October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.