Weekly Marriage Tips

More than likely, when you generate negative responses from your kids, there are two things going on. First, kids with ADHD often hear neutral comments as criticism because they are hypersensitive to negative feedback. Second, there may well be an underlying message that you are not saying directly, but they are hearing loud and clear, like, “You messed up again,” or “I feel like I can’t count on you.” Even when our intentions are good, we say things in a way that sounds judgmental or accidentally puts our kids on the defensive. We don’t mean for that to happen, of course—but we all do it. So when your child responds negatively, you may get triggered in return . . . and a vicious cycle continues.

Changing your tone starts with shifting your expectations and becoming aware of the unintended messages you are actually sending—so that you can choose the messages you want to send. For example, consider classic parent statements like “Why can’t you just . . . ?” “Why don’t you ever remember to . . . ?” “When are you going to . . . ?” and the most famous one of all, “How many times do I have to tell you?”

From Parenting ADHD Now

Those in relationships impacted by ADHD know instinctively how relevant this idea is for adults with ADHD and those who love them.  You don’t mean to communicate ‘you are broken’ to your ADHD partner, but every time you remind, nag, cajole, critique, or ‘educate,’ you do just that.

I was reminded of this one day after a few weeks of being annoyed that my husband wasn’t pulling his weight around the house (and asking him to do so) when he suddenly turned to me and said “If you dislike me so much, why are you even married to me?!”

I was so stunned that the moment became etched in my brain.  As a rule of thumb, when non-ADHD partners ‘parent’ ADHD partners, the result is that no matter how nicely you try to say it, the message received is still the same – you are ‘less than’ you could be.

Becoming more aware of this connection helped me vow to get out of my parenting role forever…and I have.  It was hard work, but more than worth it.  And as I stepped away from parenting, my husband finally had the room to grow into taking the responsibility I had always wanted him to have.

NEW! Monthly check-ins for past seminar participants .. Have you completed my couples' seminar? Could you use a check-in? Registration for my 6 month live check-in is open. Ask advice from me and each other. To maximize your benefit, signup for a specific time slot so you don't have to attend the whole call. STARTING AT 7:30pm EASTERN TIME. Starts June 4 - learn more.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Nope – my partner DEFINITELY shouldn’t be responsible for making ME happy.  That’s my job.  He plays a role, of course – I’m not happy if I don’t feel loved.  But it’s my job to be loving and open to reciprocal love my husband sends my way.  Still me in the lead on making my own happiness.

One way we create happiness together is with rituals of romance, sharing of dreams, making time together.  For us, it’s making coffee for each other and eating many meals together (I cook, he cleans).  We dream of, then take, adventurous vacations…bike rides…time to be with our kids.  We have ‘date night’ whenever he returns from a long business trip in order to reconnect.  We tell each other we love each other most every day, and are both grateful for where we are today.

You probably know from my history that it didn’t used to be this way…at all.  We had no romantic rituals, didn’t even like each other (or ourselves) at times, and lost out ability to dream together.

If you’re where we used to be, take heart and start with something small.  Tell your partner you love him or her (better yet, tell them you adore them, if it’s true.)  Share what you’re grateful for.  Do something small, but thoughtful, like make coffee, and deliver it with a kiss.  I know of one couple in which the man puts his wife’s towel into the dryer to warm it up for her, then gives it to her as she gets out of the shower. Romantic, right?

These small indications of caring really add up.  It’s how we started to repair, and got us onto a road of wondering – just wondering – if we couldn’t go even ‘bigger and better’ and start dreaming together again.

NEW! Monthly check-ins for past seminar participants .. Couples can ask advice from me and each other in these live call-ins. There will be half hour slots for which couples who have an issue they wish to discuss can register (opening consecutively) so that if they don't wish to listen to all of the call they don't need to, with a 4 couple limit per half-hour slot. Registration is for 6 months, STARTING AT 7:30pm EASTERN TIME. Starts June 4 - learn more.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Starts September 25, 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Meditation is a form of mindfulness that encourages calm, emotional regulation, and internal strength.  And all of these qualities help when you are trying to break old patterns and replace them with new.

For me, meditation took the form of a journal that I wrote on my computer (password protected, of course!) to help me explore myself.  Who was I?  Who did I want to be, and why?  And how would that person act?

The habit I most wanted to change was that of parenting my husband.  To change it, I had to think clearly about my own values and hold myself to behaving in a way that was consistent with those values (which parenting was not.)

No matter what form of ‘meditation’ you select – moving meditation, yoga, journaling, mindfulness meditation or any of the other options – creating a practice of reflection and calm can be a life saver.

More on unlearning habits ... We are what we repeatedly do.  And becoming reliable on the mundane allows time to “repeatedly do” what’s really important - connect and enjoy each other. Read more here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins in September 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I love this quote!  Of course, I bring my own baggage to interpreting it.  I assume, for example, that the ‘act’ being decided is a worthy one – steeped in love and courage.  But I really do agree that love, tenacity and flexibility of mind can help one approach almost any challenge.

Why flexibility of mind?  Sometimes the approach we take simply doesn’t work, no matter how tenacious we are.  At that point we need to let go of that approach and try something different.

Are you having difficulty acting on something important?  If so, what do you need to make you more certain?  And if your uncertainty is because you feel there are huge road blocks in your way, is there a different approach you might take?

No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - starts mid to late September 2018. Learn more here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

As I work with couples I am often struck by what I call their ‘filters.’  These are the attitudes they have developed (sometimes nurtured) that they bring with them to every conversation.  Common filters include:

“No” – a wariness of losing ground, so resistance to trying anything new

Resentment/blame – you’ve wronged me and only have your own best interests in mind – I don’t trust you

Anger – chronic anger is the starting place for every interaction

Parent – I can’t do anything without your permission/approval; I will get in trouble if I think or act independently

Think about these filters for a moment.  If you unknowingly carry one around, what are the chances that you’ll be able to make a breakthrough any given conversation you have?

We really are in charge of ourselves – and can only control our own behavior.  If you have an attitudinal filter, please reflect on how it might be hurting you, yourself and seek ways to open up to new ways of thinking or doing.  You will most likely benefit (the exception to this is if your are in a physically or severely emotionally abusive relationship, in which case taking down your protective filter might end in harm.)

No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - starts mid to late September 2018. Learn more here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

When I met him, my husband was an avid cyclist.  He had raced bikes in high school, and loved it still.  I was a cycling neophyte.  As our relationship deteriorated, my husband hoped I would join him, but I resisted.  It felt like ‘just one more thing’ I was expected to do for my husband.

I now wish that I hadn’t held onto that grudge for so long.

Because he finally did convince me to get interested, and gently supported my efforts – slowing down to stay with me as I grew stronger and more confident, and buying me a bike he knew I would love riding.  Now riding is a huge connector between us.  We LOVE going out together and experiencing nature or traveling around the world the ‘slow’ way.  When the weather is good enough you’ll find us sneaking out at lunch to ride or planning vacations around our shared interest.  Biking has helped us revive, and then nurture, our relationship as we explore, talk, plan and enjoy.

According to Pillemer – this is one key to long life and romantic success.  And, like us, you don’t already have to have this shared interest in place.  You can develop it later in your life and enjoy the results.

Tele-coaching groups for ADHD and non-ADHD adults start next week. Get information and register here.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins in October 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I was on the phone recently with a couple talking about how they interact with each other.  Their basic conclusion was ‘we could certainly be nicer to each other.’  As we continued talking, it was clear that both also knew HOW to communicate in a more respectful, nicer way.  Yet they were having trouble making that choice when talking with each other.

You can imagine the result.

Sometimes we ‘just don’t feel like’ being kind to our partner…but as Confucius suggests, when we stop making that effort we impact our own self and our own lives as much as our partner’s.

So, when deciding how to respond to your partner, always ask yourself “How could I be kind?”  It will improve your life.

Tele-coaching groups for ADHD and non-ADHD adults start again in April - Learn more here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Next live session begins in October 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I regularly run into adults with ADHD who equate ‘thinking about something’ with accomplishing change.  Yes, starting to think about something that hasn’t been on your radar before, such as how your moods are impacting others, is a good thing.  But the rubber hits the road in the doing.

This is also why it’s important to think about all three legs of treatment for good management of ADHD (download my free Optimizing Treatment for Adult ADHD E-book from my home page for more on this idea!)  Improving your focus with medication or exercise is great – but applying that focus to your actions is what changes your life.

Are you or your partner thinking more than doing?

Only a couple of spaces left  - Silver Spring, MD, 3/24 Learn more here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Stress impacts us all.  For ADHD partners it makes symptoms worse.  For non-ADHD partners, it makes patience and empathy hard to find.  It’s exhausting and emotionally draining.  And yet, we ‘accept stress’ with phrases such as “I’m not in control – this is how it’s done” and “I would like to have less stress in my life, but there’s just too much to do!”

I’m here to tell you that for most of us this is simply not true.  Once your basic needs are met, you do have some options for reducing stress.  Here are just a few tactics:

• Times during the day without electronic connections

• Learn to say “no” when others ask you to add to your obligations

• Meditate and exercise

• Ruthlessly cull your ‘to do’ list

• Set time aside for people and relationships, rather than chores

• Hold your partner at the end of the day (or beginning)

• Say ‘thank you’ and ‘I love you’ regularly

What stress could you eliminate?

Work with Melissa in-person... Silver Springs, MD March 22-24 and London in May. Learn more.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Next live course begins in October, 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

One of the more common ‘mistakes’ that couples make is that they forget to actively nurture their connections.  As Rogers points out – sustained love doesn’t just ‘happen’ – you really have to work at it.  And ‘struggle’ is just the right word to choose…because sometimes it really IS a struggle!  Your partner pulls some boneheaded move and you have to look inside yourself to find patience or empathy with her.

Part of that struggle is finding the balance between letting things go and focusing enough attention on the most important items so that both of you feel heard and attended to.  Many older couples will tell you that they finally figured out that ‘sweating the small stuff’ wasn’t a great approach…but sitting down, when it’s really important, and learning how to gently but firmly speak your mind is.

We don’t land in a relationship knowing how to create that balance.  That’s all part of the struggle – taming your baser instincts to find ways to accommodate the needs you both have so that you both feel cared for.

WA and DC folks - see Melissa live - Learn more.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins in October 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.