Weekly Marriage Tips

My husband’s affair partner once told him they were soul mates.  When I asked him if he concurred, he replied “That’s what she thinks.”  It made me think about the concept of soul mates and I ended up in a place very much like Chapman’s.

In my opinion, the idea that someone is ‘perfect’ for us just by being themselves, is a myth.  In the case of this affair partner, perhaps a myth placed on top of a fantasy, to justify trying to steal someone else’s husband.  It assumes a ‘happily ever after’ just by being together.  That’s just not how healthy, joyous relationships work.  Marriage research shows clearly that euphoric feelings lessen for 97% of couples after the dopamine of infatuation wears off (at between 24 – 28 months into the relationship.)  And then it becomes about overtly nurturing your connections. 

In relationships impacted by ADHD, this nurturing typically has to be even more thought through – schedule time to be together, don’t just assume it will happen (too much distraction for that!)  Make sure to keep doing new and challenging things together to connect.  Work hard to optimize ADHD treatment so that inconsistency doesn’t hurt your relationship.  Avoid falling into parent/child dynamics at all costs (this takes work by both parties!)

But with all that – you may be able to end up saying, as my husband and I do, we are with just the right person.  Is that a soul mate?  Nah, but I don’t feel I need a label beyond ‘really, really happy.’  And both of us plan on doing the work to keep it that way.

No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar or my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship teleseminar - both start September 2018. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Starts September 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I don’t agree with this fortune cookie because it diminishes the emotional pain of being wronged.  But I do hate grudges.  And I see them all the time.

As I see it, when you are wronged you have a choice to make – to experience your pain and decide what to do with it in a good way, or to hold the pain dear and turn it into a grudge.  In the first case in order to ‘let go’ of that pain you must allow it to inhabit you enough so that it can work through you in all of the phases of healing – which might include feeling anger, regret, perhaps bargaining, and depression.  But as you allow these feelings to happen, you let the pain ‘flow’ through you to a resolution or acceptance.  You might well never ‘forget’ it, but it won’t control your life.

When you ‘continue to remember it’ in the form of a grudge (implied by the fortune) you are doing something else altogether.  You are holding that pain inside you, ruminating about the unfairness of it, allowing it to grow and poison you.

Do you hold onto your pain in a way that hurts you more than it hurts others?

No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar and my Diminishing Anger workshop. Both start in September.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Next live session starts in September

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I’ve had one affair, and my husband has had two.  I’m not proud of this, but I share it with couples because it’s important to understand that this can happen, and you can recover.

In all three instances the reason for the affair was this – the person who went outside the marriage no longer felt loved or lovable and could see no way to change that.  We had tried to talk with our partner about our feelings and were shut down by vicious attack and lack of empathy.  The intense fantasy and infatuation of the affair served to rebuild our sense of being lovable.

I’m not here to justify the affairs – in fact I can say without a doubt that this is one of the worst possible things you can do to yourself and to your marriage.  If you’re contemplating this, or feeling unlovable, seek couples counseling and get your feelings out.  DON’T go the affair route.

But let me focus on the other side of Rogers’ quote, ‘the greatest thing that we can do is to help somebody know they’re loved and capable of loving.’  Compassion, generosity of spirit, giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, encouraging them to love by example…these are the gifts you can give your partner and yourself.  It can be hard to find this after years of struggle – particularly if your partner is regularly angry and/or hurtful.

But don’t give up.  In interactions with your partner, ask yourself these questions – ‘how can I be kind?’ and ‘how can I show my partner s/he is loved?’

If either of us had been doing that at the time, none of the affairs would have happened.

I comment on "regularly angry and/or hurtful" interactions in this post ... Need help with this? Registration for the Fall session of Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship is OPEN. Class size is limited, so don't delay. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Next live session begins September 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I’m not even sure I need to write much about this quote because it is so obviously relevant to the ADHD adult’s experience.  Find your place of genius, whatever it is, and encourage others to not judge you only on your ability to be on time or finish the next task today.

You’re not stupid, but you do move differently in the world.

Registration for the September session of Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship is OPEN. Class size is limited, so don't delay.. Learn More

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Next live session begins in September.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Whether you have ADHD or not, if you’re struggling in your relationship chances are pretty good that you feel overwhelmed by the challenges ahead of you.  And the human response to overwhelm is typically to ‘freeze.’  It feels impossible (or perhaps hopeless) to move ahead.

So don’t think about the ‘huge’ project ahead of you.  Think about one small thing you can do today, that could make your own life better.  Focus on you, not your partner.  Perhaps that’s self-care – investigating local area yoga classes so you might try one next week.  Perhaps that’s writing an email to your partner to say you’re sorry about something that just happened in just the right words.  Maybe it’s making that doctor’s appointment you’ve been dreading.

In themselves, these are small things.  But any are the first step on the larger journey to healing.  And tomorrow, you can take another small step.

What step will you take today?

NEW! Monthly check-ins for past seminar participants Ask advice from me and other past participants. Signup for a specific time slot so you don't have to attend the whole call. Starting MONDAY, 7:30pm EASTERN TIME, June 4 - learn more.  

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins September 25.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Do you feel heard and seen in your relationship?  If not, I’ve got a simple, but very effective routine for you and your partner.  I call it my ‘See and Be Seen’ exercise and it goes like this:

Pick a time each day to spend 5-10 minutes asking and answering the three questions below.  Set an alarm as you get going so you can make it a routine and do it every day.

1. Tell your partner something you appreciate about who s/he is or what s/he did THAT DAY

2. Ask your partner ‘what’s the most interesting or significant emotion you experienced today?’  (Don’t judge or rebut…just listen to the response and get to know your partner’s experience better)

3. Tell your partner something you appreciate about him/her IN GENERAL

Reverse roles.

Simple, but effective.

NEW! Monthly check-ins for past seminar participants  Need a refresher? My 6 month live check-in helps you and your partner freshen up your relationship. Starting Mondays, 7:30pm EASTERN TIME, June 4 - learn more. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live series starts September 2018.  

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Sometimes I hear ADHD people claim that they will never be a good partner because of their ADHD.  This lack of hope and insight always saddens me, for the vast majority of adults with ADHD can manage that ADHD really well when they optimize their treatment.  And then it becomes not about ADHD, but about partnership.

Parent/child dynamics can interfere in ADHD-impacted relationships making it impossible to be partners.  But this isn’t about ADHD – it’s about ADHD AND responses to ADHD.  It’s about misinterpretation of symptoms, and poor coping strategies being used by both partners.  When full blown, parent/child interactions create both enslavement and war.  Horrible!

Rebalancing the power in relationships is what getting rid of parenting and child-like behaviors is all about.  ‘Parents’ learn to stop believing that ‘pushing’ and ‘dictating’ are the best way to get things done while ‘child-like’ ADHD partners stop giving up their autonomy and power to another…taking responsibility for being reliable enough in the relationship.  It is then that partners can negotiate – on equal terms – the give and take of a genuine partnership.

If you’re experiencing parent/child dynamics, it’s time to figure out how to move beyond this enslavement.  Consider taking my couples seminar, The ADHD Effect In-Depth, for help.

NEW! Monthly check-ins for past seminar participants .. Has it been a while since you took my course? Consider registering for my 6 month live check-in. Ask advice from me and other past participants. Signup for a specific time slot so you don't have to attend the whole call. STARTING AT 7:30pm EASTERN TIME, June 4 - learn more. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins in September 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

More than likely, when you generate negative responses from your kids, there are two things going on. First, kids with ADHD often hear neutral comments as criticism because they are hypersensitive to negative feedback. Second, there may well be an underlying message that you are not saying directly, but they are hearing loud and clear, like, “You messed up again,” or “I feel like I can’t count on you.” Even when our intentions are good, we say things in a way that sounds judgmental or accidentally puts our kids on the defensive. We don’t mean for that to happen, of course—but we all do it. So when your child responds negatively, you may get triggered in return . . . and a vicious cycle continues.

Changing your tone starts with shifting your expectations and becoming aware of the unintended messages you are actually sending—so that you can choose the messages you want to send. For example, consider classic parent statements like “Why can’t you just . . . ?” “Why don’t you ever remember to . . . ?” “When are you going to . . . ?” and the most famous one of all, “How many times do I have to tell you?”

From Parenting ADHD Now

Those in relationships impacted by ADHD know instinctively how relevant this idea is for adults with ADHD and those who love them.  You don’t mean to communicate ‘you are broken’ to your ADHD partner, but every time you remind, nag, cajole, critique, or ‘educate,’ you do just that.

I was reminded of this one day after a few weeks of being annoyed that my husband wasn’t pulling his weight around the house (and asking him to do so) when he suddenly turned to me and said “If you dislike me so much, why are you even married to me?!”

I was so stunned that the moment became etched in my brain.  As a rule of thumb, when non-ADHD partners ‘parent’ ADHD partners, the result is that no matter how nicely you try to say it, the message received is still the same – you are ‘less than’ you could be.

Becoming more aware of this connection helped me vow to get out of my parenting role forever…and I have.  It was hard work, but more than worth it.  And as I stepped away from parenting, my husband finally had the room to grow into taking the responsibility I had always wanted him to have.

NEW! Monthly check-ins for past seminar participants .. Have you completed my couples' seminar? Could you use a check-in? Registration for my 6 month live check-in is open. Ask advice from me and each other. To maximize your benefit, signup for a specific time slot so you don't have to attend the whole call. STARTING AT 7:30pm EASTERN TIME. Starts June 4 - learn more.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Nope – my partner DEFINITELY shouldn’t be responsible for making ME happy.  That’s my job.  He plays a role, of course – I’m not happy if I don’t feel loved.  But it’s my job to be loving and open to reciprocal love my husband sends my way.  Still me in the lead on making my own happiness.

One way we create happiness together is with rituals of romance, sharing of dreams, making time together.  For us, it’s making coffee for each other and eating many meals together (I cook, he cleans).  We dream of, then take, adventurous vacations…bike rides…time to be with our kids.  We have ‘date night’ whenever he returns from a long business trip in order to reconnect.  We tell each other we love each other most every day, and are both grateful for where we are today.

You probably know from my history that it didn’t used to be this way…at all.  We had no romantic rituals, didn’t even like each other (or ourselves) at times, and lost out ability to dream together.

If you’re where we used to be, take heart and start with something small.  Tell your partner you love him or her (better yet, tell them you adore them, if it’s true.)  Share what you’re grateful for.  Do something small, but thoughtful, like make coffee, and deliver it with a kiss.  I know of one couple in which the man puts his wife’s towel into the dryer to warm it up for her, then gives it to her as she gets out of the shower. Romantic, right?

These small indications of caring really add up.  It’s how we started to repair, and got us onto a road of wondering – just wondering – if we couldn’t go even ‘bigger and better’ and start dreaming together again.

NEW! Monthly check-ins for past seminar participants .. Couples can ask advice from me and each other in these live call-ins. There will be half hour slots for which couples who have an issue they wish to discuss can register (opening consecutively) so that if they don't wish to listen to all of the call they don't need to, with a 4 couple limit per half-hour slot. Registration is for 6 months, STARTING AT 7:30pm EASTERN TIME. Starts June 4 - learn more.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Starts September 25, 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Meditation is a form of mindfulness that encourages calm, emotional regulation, and internal strength.  And all of these qualities help when you are trying to break old patterns and replace them with new.

For me, meditation took the form of a journal that I wrote on my computer (password protected, of course!) to help me explore myself.  Who was I?  Who did I want to be, and why?  And how would that person act?

The habit I most wanted to change was that of parenting my husband.  To change it, I had to think clearly about my own values and hold myself to behaving in a way that was consistent with those values (which parenting was not.)

No matter what form of ‘meditation’ you select – moving meditation, yoga, journaling, mindfulness meditation or any of the other options – creating a practice of reflection and calm can be a life saver.

More on unlearning habits ... We are what we repeatedly do.  And becoming reliable on the mundane allows time to “repeatedly do” what’s really important - connect and enjoy each other. Read more here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins in September 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.