Weekly Marriage Tips

When my husband and I were struggling, NOTHING felt like a miracle.  There was little pure joy, and I spent most of my time focused on what wasn’t working, not on what was.

Let me urge you not to follow that same path!  You may not be able to get to Einstein’s ‘everything is a miracle’ right away (and ‘faking it’ won’t work!)…but you can set yourself onto the path to do so.  How?  By creating a balance – first, do the hard work to learn the skills you both need to better integrate ADHD into your lives.  This will significantly lessen the pressure on you both.  Simultaneously, actively seek gratitude and joy.  Research shows that developing a gratitude practice helps rewire your brain for the positive.

To start your gratitude practice, put a journal next to your bed, and spend up to 5 minutes every night reflecting on what you are grateful for.  Write down at least three sentences that start with the words “I am grateful for…”  Then, schedule into your calendars times to do things that bring you joy.  If you can find things you can do as a couple all the better, as it reinforces the positive nature of your bonds.  Don’t just give yourselves permission to take the time for joy…REQUIRE it as an integral part of your mutual recovery.

I’m happy to say that my husband and I are in a place where we laugh together and regularly find joy in our lives.  I, in particular, live my life very overtly in search of identifying or creating daily gratitude and joy.  As you know from my books, this isn’t how it used to be!  Take heart, by working hard together you, too, can both find joy and the miracles of every day life.

WA and MD friends, join my in-person March ADHD workshops ... Learn more here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live seminar begins in October 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

When couples seek help they are often looking to ‘fix their partner’ and/or get rid of a lot of bad stuff that is going on between them.  That’s as it should be – because living with anger, chaos and little trust is no way to be happy.

So, partners work hard, they learn to manage the anger, get the chores done, and be present in conversations, among other things.  And all that is wonderful, but it doesn’t get you to where you want to be because it is about absence of negatives.  To reach the joyful state, partners need to also include self-care, consciously cultivating their own personal well-being as well as the connections that unite them.

As you are working on your own relationship, make sure that you include time for your own personal growth and happiness – through exercise; meditation; writing; art; self-reflection – whatever brings you inner peace and a strong sense of your own worth.  The time you allocate to this is not ‘frivolous.’  Rather, it’s critically important to your success individually and as a couple.

If you'd like to feel closer as a couple, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship and if bursts of anger and rage are damaging your connection, consider my Anger Workshop starting Feb 26th. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins in the fall of 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Questions? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I love this quote, even as I fear the idea of ‘continuous struggle’ might put some of you off.  But here’s how I think about that idea:

• Managing ADHD symptoms.  This is a life-long process…and not easy!
• Nurturing your relationship.  This takes focus and persistence.  We are all busy – making the time to make sure our relationship is healthy takes a ton of effort.
• Learning how to stay calm when life throws you a curve ball.  And, yes, when ADHD is part of the picture you’re likely to have more curve balls than many.

Being our best selves, and having a healthy relationship, takes constant work.  I, at least, think of myself as constantly working to change for the better.  How about you?

Calm your relationship and diminish anger... new 8-week phone seminar starts February 26, 2018. Register here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

A human response to pain is to retreat or build a wall around oneself.  While walls can be helpful for short-term protection, they are often problematic for couples.  Because except in a few specific instances (such as physical abuse) when a couple struggles it is the result of what BOTH partners are contributing to the relationship.  In ADHD-impacted relationships the most common combination is one partner is contributing under-managed ADHD symptoms and chaos; the other partner is being overly controlling and angry in response.

But if you just wall off the anger, the ADHD symptoms don’t usually get managed better.  If you wall of the ADHD partner, the anger festers.  You take your problems to opposite sides of the wall and…then what?

Relationships – and particularly FIXING relationships – are about ‘two’ not ‘one.’  In order to fix them it is best to not build a wall, but seek ways to constructively engage, instead.

Are you hiding behind a wall right now?

ADHD Women's Palooza - Going on NOW, Feb 5-10. It's not just for women, but also for the partner who loves her. This is a great resource for people looking to find out more about ADHD from over 30 experts.  Melissa speaks at 10am on Feb 9. Register here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins in October 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

A lie is when we intentionally try to mislead someone. Everybody lies, at least some of the time.  My clinical observation, though I don’t have numbers on this, is that those with ADHD lie with more frequency than those who don’t have ADHD for three reasons:

• They are often embarrassed by their difficulty following through as promised, so over time develop a coping strategy of covering up mistakes to avoid feeling so unresolvedly bad
• They are under a lot of pressure to ‘prove’ themselves by performing better and hate to disappoint those that they care about.  Again, lying ‘feels better’ in the moment than arguing about why they under-performed again
• They have been told they ‘can’t’ do something they really want to do and impulsively do it anyway, then need to cover up the action

Sadly, lies undermine the trust that is the bedrock of every relationship and so cannot continue if your relationship is to be healthy.  To move away from lying, both partners need to empathetically understand WHY the lies are there and create an environment in which transparency is more highly treasured than task completion.  It has to be okay for an ADHD partner to say, for example, “I promised I would do X by Tuesday, but I’m behind, so I’m guessing it will be more like Friday.”  Ideally, that comment is embraced, not just tolerated, because honesty and owning your behaviors is critical to a couples’ success.

This brings up thorny questions about task completion and responsibilities, of course.  Because tasks DO need to get done, and that promise to do it later needs to have some basis in reality.  Non-ADHD partners fear that being ‘okay’ with putting something off means that it will never get done…and this fear is often based in the reality of what it was like to live with an undiagnosed ADHD partner.  As a result, many come to take on the role of ‘enforcer.’  That is, they believe that if they put enough pressure on the ADHD partner it will force him or her to stay on task.

Sadly, it also encourages lying.

Don't get me wrong. I’m not suggesting non-ADHD partners are responsible for their ADHD partner’s lies.  Only that environment does matter, and it makes sense to be aware of that fact.

So getting past lies isn’t just about saying ‘stop.’  It’s about both partners having a full understanding of how ADHD impacts their relationship; of the roles that they each play in the dynamics that encourage continued lying; and about developing skillful responses to ADHD in both partners.

Melissa covers lying as one of the topics in her life-changing couples seminar.  2018 live sessions will only be held in January and October, so register now for the live session that starts January 30. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

One of the awful things about ADHD – you spend a lot of time with others trying to define you – either your ADHD symptoms (which can inhibit your choices) or partners, friends and more who suggest you should behave in certain ways.

Here’s an aspect of treating ADHD that we rarely talk about – good ADHD treatment opens the doors for you to be you. For example, if you need to stay engaged in an important conversation or with a task at work you can do so if you have good treatment in place.  Before treatment you were ‘victim’ to whatever your ADHD brain might tolerate, and staying engaged was much harder…perhaps impossible.

With those additional options you are able to make choices that better reflect who you wish to be as a person.  That means you get to define who you are, rather than have your ADHD define you.  You can move through the world with greater confidence in your ability to follow through on decisions and choices.

When people with ADHD ask me whether treatment will change them I usually say “I hope so! I hope that it will allow you to be exactly who you wish to be, without the chaos.”  With good treatment you can still be silly, or creative, or fun, or even chaotic.  But you can also be more attentive, organized, etc.  Don’t let the ‘other’ of ADHD define you.  Optimize your treatment for ADHD.

To find out more, go to my home page and download my free e-book on optimizing treatment for ADHD.

Join me and many other ADHD experts for the free online ADHD Women's Palooza..... Feb 5-10. My talk is on 2/9 at 10:00am EST. Register here.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins in the Fall of 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

“My husband looks at his phone at dinner, rather than talking to the kids.  He says he has to always be available for work…”

“My wife is a news junkie – she would much rather be on her tablet than talk to any of us.”

“My husband has started to flirt with his ex girlfriend online.  Now, even when he’s in the bathroom I wonder if he’s texting her.”

“The phone is always there.  And no matter how important the conversation, if it buzzes, my partner has to look.  I hate that.”

I cannot tell you how many couples I’ve worked with who find that electronics are hurting their relationship.  Often, it’s the phone, and often it’s an ADHD partner who simply can’t put it down, and can’t resist the temptations it provides. 

There are some reasons for this electronics addiction that ADHD heightens – constant stimulation; the surprise factor – you never know what might show up; its immediacy; and lots of little squirts of dopamine that make you feel good.  These appeal to all of us – and to those with ADHD even more.

Even so, the numbers above surprised me.  Twice as debilitating as marijuana?!  Losing a night’s sleep?!  Please have a conversation about the toll that electronics are having on your family, and consider setting up some ‘electronics free’ chunks of time that happen every day or week.  A ‘no phones at dinner’ rule probably makes sense (lots of chance to connect and converse there!) and perhaps at least one weekend afternoon or evening that can be set aside for family or couple fun.

We should be at least as worried about not being available for our loved ones as we are for our work or Instagram pals. 

Want to be more available to your partner? .... take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - starts January 30th. Don't delay - Register now. Questions? Please contact Melissa.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Starts January 30th!

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Last week I wrote about lies and cover ups and creating a safe place to be honest.  Part of that honesty is being able to talk about your own concerns and questions, be that feeling badly or ashamed you did something, to wondering if you’ll ever get it right, to…you name it.

Healthy relationships are those in which partners can voice their fears as well as their triumphs, their most miserable feelings as well as their best.  As partners on either side of the ADHD/non-ADHD partnership (or ADHD/ADHD) we need to make it our job to ensure our own behaviors create a safe space for our partner.

And, because I always say this – I’m not talking about getting walked all over.  As an example, if your partner is verbally abusing you, then it makes sense to get professional help…which is a ‘safe space’ approach to dealing with conflict, rather than either retreating or fighting back.  

Get your relationship back on track - register for the January couples tele-seminar and the Tele-coaching groups for ADHD and non-ADHD adults going on now! 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

First…we all lie sometimes (even if we think we don’t!)  But many with ADHD develop a habit of cover-ups and lies as they move through childhood as a coping strategy for dealing with the embarrassment of not always being pulled together.  Covering up and pleasing the authority figure or peer who is depending upon you ‘feels’ better at the time than telling the truth and experiencing the wrath that may ensue.

The problem, however, is that over time this sets up a weakening of the brain that means that it becomes progressively harder to break the habit.  In my own household, I found that it has taken a great deal of work on MY part to create an atmosphere in which my husband felt safe to be honest with me and stop lying.  Our years of struggle didn’t help, as he was ‘trained’ to be easily triggered.

Why should I be partially responsible for helping my husband learn that honesty is the best policy? In our case, my husband simply got tired of fighting me…it was easier to ‘smooth things over’ and exit the scene than deal with me.  That makes me partially responsible for our situation.

Yep, it’s his lying and he’s responsible for fixing the issue.  But I (and you) can make it easier by creating a safe place to make mistakes and live with ADHD.

Honesty, safety, trust and lack of struggle... New Year's resolutions are dreams unless you take action: my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar and Tele-coaching groups for ADHD and non-ADHD adults start in January. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I agree with Davis – being who you are is great!  But…understand that this has ramifications in a relationship.  If you feel that it’s important to indulge your hair trigger anger and are regularly violent because you’ve ‘always been that way’, for example, you will have trouble sustaining a relationship.  You may be ‘you’ but you will be alone.

There are two versions of this ‘accept me as I am’ that I hear with ADHD couples that don’t work for me.  First, there is the ADHD partner who says ‘love me unconditionally and accept me as I am’ while taking little or no control of ADHD symptoms that make the partner’s life completely miserable.  Second, there is the non-ADHD partner who feels that controlling behaviors are justified due to chaos, and takes over everything…trampling others. (Yes, non-ADHD partners are going to think I have put that unkindly…but when you overperform in a relationship, this is what you are doing.)

Instead of the “I get to be who I get to be” attitude if you indulge in it, how about looking at what makes a good partner instead?  And, if you think that includes things like being respectful, affection, kind or level-headed…then the first place to start is with yourself.

We are all unique, and that’s part of what is great in life.  But unique is different from awful or hurtful.  Make sure you know the difference.

Are you a good partner? .... Join ADHD and Non-ADHD Tele-Support and Coaching groups starting in January. Learn more here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins in January 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Inti macy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.