Weekly Marriage Tips

I love this quote!  Of course, I bring my own baggage to interpreting it.  I assume, for example, that the ‘act’ being decided is a worthy one – steeped in love and courage.  But I really do agree that love, tenacity and flexibility of mind can help one approach almost any challenge.

Why flexibility of mind?  Sometimes the approach we take simply doesn’t work, no matter how tenacious we are.  At that point we need to let go of that approach and try something different.

Are you having difficulty acting on something important?  If so, what do you need to make you more certain?  And if your uncertainty is because you feel there are huge road blocks in your way, is there a different approach you might take?

No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - starts mid to late September 2018. Learn more here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

As I work with couples I am often struck by what I call their ‘filters.’  These are the attitudes they have developed (sometimes nurtured) that they bring with them to every conversation.  Common filters include:

“No” – a wariness of losing ground, so resistance to trying anything new

Resentment/blame – you’ve wronged me and only have your own best interests in mind – I don’t trust you

Anger – chronic anger is the starting place for every interaction

Parent – I can’t do anything without your permission/approval; I will get in trouble if I think or act independently

Think about these filters for a moment.  If you unknowingly carry one around, what are the chances that you’ll be able to make a breakthrough any given conversation you have?

We really are in charge of ourselves – and can only control our own behavior.  If you have an attitudinal filter, please reflect on how it might be hurting you, yourself and seek ways to open up to new ways of thinking or doing.  You will most likely benefit (the exception to this is if your are in a physically or severely emotionally abusive relationship, in which case taking down your protective filter might end in harm.)

No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - starts mid to late September 2018. Learn more here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

When I met him, my husband was an avid cyclist.  He had raced bikes in high school, and loved it still.  I was a cycling neophyte.  As our relationship deteriorated, my husband hoped I would join him, but I resisted.  It felt like ‘just one more thing’ I was expected to do for my husband.

I now wish that I hadn’t held onto that grudge for so long.

Because he finally did convince me to get interested, and gently supported my efforts – slowing down to stay with me as I grew stronger and more confident, and buying me a bike he knew I would love riding.  Now riding is a huge connector between us.  We LOVE going out together and experiencing nature or traveling around the world the ‘slow’ way.  When the weather is good enough you’ll find us sneaking out at lunch to ride or planning vacations around our shared interest.  Biking has helped us revive, and then nurture, our relationship as we explore, talk, plan and enjoy.

According to Pillemer – this is one key to long life and romantic success.  And, like us, you don’t already have to have this shared interest in place.  You can develop it later in your life and enjoy the results.

Tele-coaching groups for ADHD and non-ADHD adults start next week. Get information and register here.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins in October 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I was on the phone recently with a couple talking about how they interact with each other.  Their basic conclusion was ‘we could certainly be nicer to each other.’  As we continued talking, it was clear that both also knew HOW to communicate in a more respectful, nicer way.  Yet they were having trouble making that choice when talking with each other.

You can imagine the result.

Sometimes we ‘just don’t feel like’ being kind to our partner…but as Confucius suggests, when we stop making that effort we impact our own self and our own lives as much as our partner’s.

So, when deciding how to respond to your partner, always ask yourself “How could I be kind?”  It will improve your life.

Tele-coaching groups for ADHD and non-ADHD adults start again in April - Learn more here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Next live session begins in October 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I regularly run into adults with ADHD who equate ‘thinking about something’ with accomplishing change.  Yes, starting to think about something that hasn’t been on your radar before, such as how your moods are impacting others, is a good thing.  But the rubber hits the road in the doing.

This is also why it’s important to think about all three legs of treatment for good management of ADHD (download my free Optimizing Treatment for Adult ADHD E-book from my home page for more on this idea!)  Improving your focus with medication or exercise is great – but applying that focus to your actions is what changes your life.

Are you or your partner thinking more than doing?

Only a couple of spaces left  - Silver Spring, MD, 3/24 Learn more here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Stress impacts us all.  For ADHD partners it makes symptoms worse.  For non-ADHD partners, it makes patience and empathy hard to find.  It’s exhausting and emotionally draining.  And yet, we ‘accept stress’ with phrases such as “I’m not in control – this is how it’s done” and “I would like to have less stress in my life, but there’s just too much to do!”

I’m here to tell you that for most of us this is simply not true.  Once your basic needs are met, you do have some options for reducing stress.  Here are just a few tactics:

• Times during the day without electronic connections

• Learn to say “no” when others ask you to add to your obligations

• Meditate and exercise

• Ruthlessly cull your ‘to do’ list

• Set time aside for people and relationships, rather than chores

• Hold your partner at the end of the day (or beginning)

• Say ‘thank you’ and ‘I love you’ regularly

What stress could you eliminate?

Work with Melissa in-person... Silver Springs, MD March 22-24 and London in May. Learn more.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Next live course begins in October, 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

One of the more common ‘mistakes’ that couples make is that they forget to actively nurture their connections.  As Rogers points out – sustained love doesn’t just ‘happen’ – you really have to work at it.  And ‘struggle’ is just the right word to choose…because sometimes it really IS a struggle!  Your partner pulls some boneheaded move and you have to look inside yourself to find patience or empathy with her.

Part of that struggle is finding the balance between letting things go and focusing enough attention on the most important items so that both of you feel heard and attended to.  Many older couples will tell you that they finally figured out that ‘sweating the small stuff’ wasn’t a great approach…but sitting down, when it’s really important, and learning how to gently but firmly speak your mind is.

We don’t land in a relationship knowing how to create that balance.  That’s all part of the struggle – taming your baser instincts to find ways to accommodate the needs you both have so that you both feel cared for.

WA and DC folks - see Melissa live - Learn more.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins in October 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

When my husband and I were struggling, NOTHING felt like a miracle.  There was little pure joy, and I spent most of my time focused on what wasn’t working, not on what was.

Let me urge you not to follow that same path!  You may not be able to get to Einstein’s ‘everything is a miracle’ right away (and ‘faking it’ won’t work!)…but you can set yourself onto the path to do so.  How?  By creating a balance – first, do the hard work to learn the skills you both need to better integrate ADHD into your lives.  This will significantly lessen the pressure on you both.  Simultaneously, actively seek gratitude and joy.  Research shows that developing a gratitude practice helps rewire your brain for the positive.

To start your gratitude practice, put a journal next to your bed, and spend up to 5 minutes every night reflecting on what you are grateful for.  Write down at least three sentences that start with the words “I am grateful for…”  Then, schedule into your calendars times to do things that bring you joy.  If you can find things you can do as a couple all the better, as it reinforces the positive nature of your bonds.  Don’t just give yourselves permission to take the time for joy…REQUIRE it as an integral part of your mutual recovery.

I’m happy to say that my husband and I are in a place where we laugh together and regularly find joy in our lives.  I, in particular, live my life very overtly in search of identifying or creating daily gratitude and joy.  As you know from my books, this isn’t how it used to be!  Take heart, by working hard together you, too, can both find joy and the miracles of every day life.

WA and MD friends, join my in-person March ADHD workshops ... Learn more here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live seminar begins in October 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

When couples seek help they are often looking to ‘fix their partner’ and/or get rid of a lot of bad stuff that is going on between them.  That’s as it should be – because living with anger, chaos and little trust is no way to be happy.

So, partners work hard, they learn to manage the anger, get the chores done, and be present in conversations, among other things.  And all that is wonderful, but it doesn’t get you to where you want to be because it is about absence of negatives.  To reach the joyful state, partners need to also include self-care, consciously cultivating their own personal well-being as well as the connections that unite them.

As you are working on your own relationship, make sure that you include time for your own personal growth and happiness – through exercise; meditation; writing; art; self-reflection – whatever brings you inner peace and a strong sense of your own worth.  The time you allocate to this is not ‘frivolous.’  Rather, it’s critically important to your success individually and as a couple.

If you'd like to feel closer as a couple, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship and if bursts of anger and rage are damaging your connection, consider my Anger Workshop starting Feb 26th. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins in the fall of 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Questions? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I love this quote, even as I fear the idea of ‘continuous struggle’ might put some of you off.  But here’s how I think about that idea:

• Managing ADHD symptoms.  This is a life-long process…and not easy!
• Nurturing your relationship.  This takes focus and persistence.  We are all busy – making the time to make sure our relationship is healthy takes a ton of effort.
• Learning how to stay calm when life throws you a curve ball.  And, yes, when ADHD is part of the picture you’re likely to have more curve balls than many.

Being our best selves, and having a healthy relationship, takes constant work.  I, at least, think of myself as constantly working to change for the better.  How about you?

Calm your relationship and diminish anger... new 8-week phone seminar starts February 26, 2018. Register here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.