Weekly Marriage Tips

I was recently listening to a podcast done by Dr. Edward Hallowell and his wife, Sue, about what it is like to live with an ADHD partner.  They started laughing about how much energy and imagination Ned’s ADHD brings to their relationship (“He has a million ideas every day.”)  They also spoke about her being the ‘brakes’ in the relationship, something that Ned admits he both admires and resents in the moment.

Okay – I totally get this conversation.  My not-so-beloved nickname used to be ‘The Voice of Reason.”  This was particularly true when we had young kids and I was worried about their safety.  But I also have to admit I used the ‘brakes’ more often than just in critical situations.  It was a way to ‘keep things under control.’

Non-ADHD partners often tell me they resent being the ‘bad guy’ in the parenting dynamic.  And, frustratingly for them, I sometimes tell them to stop being the bad guy if that’s how they feel.  Here’s what I mean:

• There are genuinely times when you MUST put on the brakes.  Your child is unsafe or unhealthy, or that pool will never, ever actually fit into your back yard…In these times, own those brakes!  Feel GOOD that you have the ability to think logically and create some order!

• There are many other times when brakes aren’t actually needed, even if you feel nervous or out of control.  At those times, embrace the imagination.  Get down on the floor and play make-believe with the whole family rather than cook dinner (go out later – chores are simply chores.)  Take that overnight camping trip as a date and see what happens, rather than worry about the kids (they’ll be FINE at Grandma’s or a friend’s!)  Well, okay, bring bug spray!  

There are MANY more examples of when non-ADHD partners don’t really need to apply the brakes – where flexibility is actually the more ‘relationship-friendly’ choice.

If you resent being the ‘bad guy’ or the brakes person, take a look at whether or not it might be more logical to run with either partner’s imagination.  You may be surprised where it can get you.

Vote for me, please! I've entered the #ADHDAwarenessMonth professional video contest. Please watch, learn and vote, once per day. It's just for fun, but a great way to show your ADHD support. Thank you!

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next Live session starts early 2019.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I love this idea of limitless compassion!  If you think I’m writing about compassion towards those with ADHD, I’m not.  I’m talking about compassion towards a partner who is struggling – and that would be both of you.

It’s painful to me when I hear a non-ADHD partner say something that has this not-so-hidden message:  “ADHD is my partner’s issue.  When s/he fixes it, then I’ll start working on the relationship again.”  Or when I hear an ADHD partner say something like “It’s not my ADHD, it’s my partner’s anger and nagging that is the issue.”

But what happens if you ‘become’ your partner, just for a moment?  It’s really HARD to have ADHD.  Imagine not being able to follow through easily on what you really wish to do – simply because your mind wanders off!  Or not being focused enough on a conversation to remember it.  Imagine not believing you are worth anything because so many people have told you you’ve failed.  Imagine trying really hard and not getting anywhere.

It’s not just hard to have ADHD.  It’s also really HARD to live with someone who has unmanaged or undiagnosed ADHD.  Imagine losing trust for your partner because s/he rarely does what s/he promised.  Imagine the loneliness of feeling as if your partner doesn’t know you exist anymore because s/he is so distracted.  Imagine giving it your all and not getting anywhere.

Compassion is an important ingredient to addressing the problems the two of you face.  To build compassion, I suggest two specific steps:

• In every interaction, as yourself “How can I be kind?” and choose your responses accordingly

• Ask your partner about his/her experience and believe what s/he says, even if it feels hurtful or hard.  Ask questions if you don’t understand the details.  In this way it becomes easier and easier to ‘see’ your partner’s side of things.

Need help building compassion, taming anger and renewing intimacy? .... take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - starts in TWO DAYS - September 26, 2018.  Don't Delay, the next live session begins in 2019. Find the love and joy you thought you had lost forever.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts September 26, 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Sometimes when I work with couples I find that one or both partners are grieving about the fact that their relationship is not like other relationships.  I think this is a healthy thing – when one or both of you has ADHD you don’t have a relationship that resembles those of many of your friends.  Coming to terms with that idea – and understanding the patterns that ADHD encourages between you (so you can avoid them!) is critically important.

But then…

But then, it’s important to embrace the life you DO have, and run with it.  Rather than trying to make your life look like other people’s lives, make your own life together uniquely yours and special.  As you learn about ADHD, you will (hopefully) subtract many negative behaviors that each of you contribute to your relationship.  Don’t forget that you need to ADD positives.

What will your special ‘fun’ connection be?  What are your special (private) rituals that you can create?  How do you demonstrate that you cherish the very core of your partner?

Self reflection and some idea-generating dates can help uncover your mutual dreams and make them happen.  Appreciation ‘exercises’ and time to show you care (‘attend time’ as I call it) is also important.

Bottom line – don’t waste time living someone else’s life.

Take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - starting in SIX DAYS, September 26, 2018.  

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts September 26, 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

How many times have you or your partner wanted to do something, then fallen short?  You wanted to approach your partner with less frustration, but then something happened and you were angry again.  You wanted to follow through on that project, but then you got distracted by something else.

So, how to get yourself to ‘do’ what you ‘know’ you should do?  That has a good deal to do with getting our brain to accept and create new habits.  Here are some of the most important steps:

1. Understand WHY it’s important to do this thing for YOU, not just because your partner asks for it.  This will help motivate you.

2. Set a specific, measurable goal that is bound by time.  “I will do the dishes 3 evenings this week” is a great goal.  It tells you when and what in no uncertain terms.  “I will do the dishes more often” is too wishy-washy.

3. Create a specific plan and take the time to run through it in your mind start to finish as if you were doing it.  This helps cement the plan in your body, and also helps you realize if there are problems with it – something you didn’t think of.

4. Measure your results.  If you only did the dishes 2 times, figure out why and adjust either your goal or your plan.  If you succeed, reward yourself (even an internal pat on the back is good!) and then plan to do it again.  Creating a new habit that is ‘ingrained’ takes several MONTHS of overt effort.

When my husband took over doing the night dishes it took him several tries to get it right.  He didn’t do the step of running it through his mind, so didn’t realize he had to actually clear time for his new ‘activity’.  He also hadn’t worked out what time of day he would do the darned things (night?  Next morning?)  But eventually he got it and now doesn’t think twice about this part of his life.

Is there ONE thing which you would really like to start doing with which you can use these four steps on right now?

Tame the Anger in Your Relationship starts TOMORROW, Sept 13th - Working through your anger can be hard, and is an area where partners get 'stuck' when trying to improve their relationship.  My upcoming seminar, How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship, is designed to:

• be a safer space in which you can identify and surface your feelings of anger
• teach you proven interaction and anger management skills
• provide time to practice new skills to improve interactions during class

.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar and/or my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship Seminar - both start September 2018.  Which, or both, should you consider?  Read more.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts September 26, 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Probably everyone reading this marriage tip knows what a hard road it can be to have adult ADHD – and responses to that ADHD – in your relationship.  It takes a lot of effort to create a relationship you both love to be in when dealing with distractibility and more.

But there is this weird positive side to it all.  George and I have been bound together quite closely by the fact that we have taken this hard road and not only survived the experience, but learned to thrive.  We feel joy, wonder, and even a little bit of pride that this hard road really did lead us to ‘excellence.’

Not everyone makes it, but it’s surprising how many couples really can turn around their relationship if both partners are willing to take that hard road and do all they can – as individuals – to be the best possible partner they can.

Is working through anger part of your hard road?

How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship, starting in exactly 2 weeks - Sept 13th - is designed to:

• be a safer space in which you can identify and surface your feelings of anger
• teach you proven interaction and anger management skills
• provide time to practice new skills to improve interactions during class

.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar and/or my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship Seminar - both start September 2018. What is the best choice for the two of you? Read more

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts September 26, 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

What Covey is saying here is that if you behaved yourself into a corner, you have to improve your own behavior to get yourself back out of it.  Otherwise, your credibility and trustworthiness are shot.

Or…actions speak louder than words.

If you have ADHD, getting your actions to be the right actions at the right time can be a difficult problem!  Even so, it’s important to get your behaviors in order because this is the bottom line for your relationship.  Talk and good intentions don’t cut it.  Either you act like - and are - a good, loving partner who cherishes and supports your relationship…or you’re not.  ADHD partners can certainly do this, but they have to get the ADHD issues under control first.

Cognitive behavioral therapy can help.  Coaching can help (see my recommended coaches page.)  Making sure you optimize your treatment is critical (download my free e-book from the home page.)  Taking time to ‘attend’ to your partner and training yourself not to cover up failures are also important tools when becoming a better partner.

And this isn’t just about ADHD partners.  Non-ADHD partners can behave themselves into problems – I sure did when I was angry and belittling to my husband.  I simply was not holding my own behavior to a high enough standard.  Instead, I nurtured my frustration and tried to force him to do better, rather than learn what was going on and how to tame my own negative behaviors.

We talked about doing better and commiserated about how hard it was.  But it was not until we created specific plans for dong better and implemented them – behaved our ways out of our problems – that our relationship actually improved.

I spend a lot of time in my couples seminar on teaching how to do this.  If you are interested in turning ideas into action, you might wish to join me for one of my upcoming sessions.  One starts September 26, and the next one will start in January, ’19. 

No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar and/or my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship Seminar - both start this month - September 2018.  Don't delay - space is limited for both!

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts September 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Int imacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I hear regularly about one partner or another being glued to his or her phone.  It seems almost a part of life.  ADHD partners can have a particularly hard time of it, as it’s hard to resist the ‘immediacy’ of a text or call.

So this tip on moving away from the phone is an interesting one.  As humans, we don’t respond so well to restrictions, particularly restrictions of things we really DO want.  We respond better to dreams and inspiration.  “I want to spend more time on my life” sounds pretty darned great, doesn’t it?

For those with ADHD, moving away from the draw of a phone may take some extra structure.  While I’m able to pretty easily ignore a ringing phone, for example, my husband is almost incapable of it.  That means that if he is going to get more time to spend on his life he actually needs to be away from the phone, or at least its draw.

Here are some simple ideas:

- Set times of day where the phone is left in a specific location NOT near you – for example the front hall or a purse

- Set ‘do not disturb’ settings for specific times that are important for family life – example might between 5 and 7pm when the family cooks and eats together or regular Friday date nights.

- Have one day a week without phones for the majority of the day (Saturday or Sunday probably works best) and leave it behind, next to your bed on its charger. 

This last tip might take some getting used to, but it could provide a whole lot of time to ‘spend more time on your life.’  On that day, you might have an automated text response such as “I will not be answering texts today but will respond to you Sunday evening after 7pm.”

Time is our most precious commodity.  You DO have a choice to not give it to others willy nilly and use your phone less often…you just have to create a system that helps you do it.

Tame the Anger in Your Relationship starts Sept 13th - Working through your anger can be hard, and is an area where partners get 'stuck' when trying to improve their relationship.  My upcoming seminar, How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship, is designed to:

• be a safer space in which you can identify and surface your feelings of anger
• teach you proven interaction and anger management skills
• provide time to practice new skills to improve interactions during class

.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar and/or my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship Seminar - both start September 2018.  Which is right for you? Read more

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts September 26, 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

When we meet someone new and become infatuated with them (the first step of any romance) something pretty incredible happens in our mind – it become flooded with lots of extra dopamine.  Dopamine is one of the neurotransmitters affiliated with the attention system in the brain.

When a person with ADHD falls in love his or her brain gets lots of extra dopamine just like everyone else and s/he is able to focus intently on his or her prospective partner.  This has a name – ‘hyperfocus courtship’ – and it feels great to everyone involved!  (I LOVED being courted by my husband.  He was incredibly attentive!) 

For almost everyone, the extra dopamine wears off between 24 and 28 months into the relationship.  At that point, the ADHD partner returns to his or her ‘normal,’ low-dopamine state.  (Low levels of dopamine is one of the reasons people have ADHD.)  Which means the ADHD symptoms show up again.

This can be confusing – because the person with these ADHD symptoms is not behaving towards you like the person you met during that highly attentive courtship!  I know when this happened in our own relationship, I went from feeling like the sun, moon and stars to chopped liver in about the space of a week.  Turns out my husband still loved me.  His severe distraction just didn’t communicate that.

It’s important to know that this ‘switch’ is not intentional.  It doesn’t mean your partner no longer loves you.  It isn’t personal.  It’s ADHD.

The way to deal with this shift:

• Name it for what it is – a characteristic of ADHD (“low dopamine levels”)

• Internalize that the switch in behavior is not personal

• Get treatment for the ADHD – which often includes rebalancing dopamine levels to achieve better attention (often with medication)

• Set aside scheduled time to attend to each other in a romantic way 

• If you’re long past ‘hyperfocus courtship’ see if you can look back and forgive yourself and your partner for misunderstanding it at the time.

Are you struggling through ‘hyperfocus courtship?’

'Hyperfocus courtship' is one of the subjects covered in my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. Do you struggle with anger issues? Check out my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship Seminar - both start September 2018. Are you parenting a child with ADHD? I'm one of 30 experts on this free ADHD Parents Palooza. Starts August 20th. Register Now.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts September 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I went to a lecture earlier this week on the art of listening, featuring members of the Silk Road Ensemble.  It was fascinating to hear about different cultural ways to listen…with different types of ‘space’ around a person or sound (the Japanese concept of “ma’) or with your heart (taught by an Indian guru), and more.  But when I hear the quote above I knew I had to include it in my marriage tips, for this is EXACTLY my experience in our relationship.

“Turning down the energy” when things start to escalate – even a little –can be hard for anyone, but particularly those with ADHD.  But here’s where I think it is so helpful.  By thinking of this as ‘turning down the energy’ what you AREN’T doing is ‘giving in.’ What you ARE doing is becoming more effective.

In my observation, the teachers who really have the attention of their classes are those whose voices remain lowered, not the ones who speak loudly to speak over the din.  The same concept happens in relationships.  This is because the loud voice and high energy actually revs up the other person at the same time as it encourages them to ‘set’ themselves into a position.  A calmer, less energetic approach, can help the other person listen better, feel less defensive, and remain flexible and open.

Can you trust your partner to always calm down with you?  No, it won’t always happen, but at least you won’t be adding to the fight, not encouraging your partner to take a stubborn, inflexible stance.  You can always come back later, with a calm approach, to discuss the issue.  You are likely to find your partner in a calmer state of mind.

How might you ‘turn down the energy’?  And could you and your partner set a verbal cue to use this idea?

No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar and/or my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship Seminar - both start September 2018.  

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts September 2018 as does the anger course..

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

If I had a magic wand, one of the gifts I would give struggling couples is the ability to hear their partner, and be heard.  It’s incredibly important as you try to reconnect!  But it can be really hard.  Because we tend to approach what our partner says not from his or her perspective, but from our own.  This leads to defensiveness, rather than openness.

As an example, when we were struggling my husband might say “You’re always so negative about me!” and what went through my head was “That’s because you don’t do what you say you are going to do!”  A much better response would have been “Gee, I wonder why he is saying that now?”

In other words, trust that his opinion and what he is saying is TRUTH to him, and it is my responsibility to understand that truth, not to tell him why he is wrong.

This ability to listen non-defensively is actually one of the most critical characteristics of a healthy, happy relationship.  I might not have liked that my husband was telling me I was negative, but if I was honest with myself…I was.  Yes, I had my reasons, but that didn’t make being negative any more productive.

The ability to speak and listen to the truth is called ‘Conflict Intimacy’ and it’s so important that I cover it in my live couple’s seminar (next live session starting Sept. 26), my self-study Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship, and my live new seminar on anger. 

It takes practice, but I know all of you can do it.  I hope you’ll consider joining me to learn how.

No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar and/or my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship Seminar - both start September 2018.  

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts September 26, 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.